Do you want to marry?

Hi all,

Just wondering, those of you in an extramarital R who are expecting to be with MM/MW in a full relationship after divorce - do you want to get married to your MM/MW?

Is it something you see in your future?

I dont want to be MMs wife, I'd rather be a SO. Marriage, especially in the UK is on the demise. I believe traditional marriage to be outdated.

Your thoughts?

i think i would love to be MM's W, but i do not believe that will be a possibility because he doesnt plan on leaving the current W

I suppose I should have added "hypothetically speaking" SBT.

Its something I have pondered on, and I have never been a fan of marriage, mainly stemming from my parents marriage. However, out of all of the marriages I know (about 25 I know closely), only two appear to work. With the addition of MM to my life, I guess I disrespect the institute of marriage by my very actions and therefore in a way I suppose it would be hypocritical to all of a sudden expect marriage to become something I believe in.

With the addition of MM to my life, I guess I disrespect the institute of marriage by my very actions and therefore in a way I suppose it would be hypocritical to all of a sudden expect marriage to become something I believe in.

I am glad you posted that.

I find it a bit hypocritical for some ows to think a marriage is a reasonable goal with someone who displays cheating behaviour. Not the best foundation to build off of IMO.

Of the 2 relationships I have seen where the MM does wind up marrying the OW. Both of those relationships are what I would consider...very bad. One the H still cheats on his OW now W. The other is a dirty old man that just reeks of lewdness, and I think she cheats on him. I don't really have close friendships with either of these couples.

Are you happy as it is now? What would be your ideal arrangement? What would you do if you discovered he was cheating on you with ow?

Just curious.

Hi all,

 

Just wondering, those of you in an extramarital R who are expecting to be with MM/MW in a full relationship after divorce - do you want to get married to your MM/MW?

 

Is it something you see in your future?

 

I dont want to be MMs wife, I'd rather be a SO. Marriage, especially in the UK is on the demise. I believe traditional marriage to be outdated.

 

Your thoughts?

In my case if my ea had come to a point where Divorce was going to happen for both mm and myself, honestly looking back I don't see how I could ever be his wife, as I would not trust him at all and would probably not be able to put up with his C*** on a dialy basis, LOL!

AP:)

We have talked marriage, and yes I would marry him. If he cheated, which of coarse I would know right away,( we know all the tricks he has), I would kick his A$$ to the curb, I would not hang around if I knew he didnt love me anymore. I would not guilt him staying, (That I do know)

Hi all,

 

Just wondering, those of you in an extramarital R who are expecting to be with MM/MW in a full relationship after divorce - do you want to get married to your MM/MW?

 

Is it something you see in your future?

 

I dont want to be MMs wife, I'd rather be a SO. Marriage, especially in the UK is on the demise. I believe traditional marriage to be outdated.

 

Your thoughts?

I'd agree with you, JNRR. And because I don't believe in exclusivity, I'd see it as downright hypocritical to want to get married.

Sadly though, it might be necessary, for him to get a visa to live here, or for me to get a visa to live in his country. And, as LB pointed out on my thread, there are other practical and financial considerations that also need to be taken into account in such complex situations - though I suppose that would depend on where we live and the legal framework there.

Weird, I was talking to a colleague just yesterday (she's a lesbian) about M after another colleague had spoken to her about an A he was having with another colleague (He's married, his OW isn't) and we could think of only one example among all the colleagues we know (it's a big place - about 8 000 people working here) where the M&W are still in their original M. All the other MP are onto no 2 or 3 or 4 or 5; lots of divorced people, lots of single people in serial relationships that don't marry... Maybe this kind of environment is an extreme example, but it certainly does seem like M in the old sense (one M for life) has fallen out of fashion.

No matter the poor state of "marriage" these days (I put it in quotes because I think the individuals are at fault, not the institution itself) I still find it a very worthwhile, even noble goal.

There just is something beautiful about two people seeking to commit to one another, and I think that every woman, even those who profess to not believe in marriage, is secretly thrilled at the thought.

What I think goes terribly wrong is that people just lose sight of the big picture, start taking one another for granted, lose a sense of identity etc etc. By no means is it easy. But by all means is it worth it.

xo

OE

Not an easy one to answer....hypothetically speaking, I think maybe I would have married MM. We talked about it all the time. However, I have never totally believed in marriage. I just don't believe there is only one person out there for us - more like different people for different stages in our life time. I personally don't think human beings are meant to be monogomous (or maybe that's just me!)

BTW, I know of at least two MM/OW scenarios that ended up in happy marriages!

Yeah, I probably would have married my MM too... but I thank my lucky stars that it didn't work out that way!! :D

Hypothetically speaking, then, IF he were to divorce in future, would I ever marry him. I just don't know at the moment.

First of all he'd have to get through a divorce and live alone, process all his emotions and get himself on his feet again. We would have had to weather all those storms and come through strongly as a couple. Then we'd have to see how dating went, and whether what we had together was really viable for a 'forever' kind of relationship (I don't believe in divorce, isn't that amusing..?). And then of course, he'd have to ask me and present a good case as a man prepared to love, cherish and support me and I'd have to believe in and have faith in that.

So... ask me again in about a decade, I'd say..?

eta: Oh, I just wanted to add, that like JNRR I live in Britain, and sure enough, most couples I know aren't married and have no real intention of it. So I don't see it as a necessary goal. Although having said that, I do think I'd like to marry. But I won't be unhappy or disappointed if I never found the right man or right circumstance.

I think that every woman, even those who profess to not believe in marriage, is secretly thrilled at the thought.

Uhm, sorry to shatter your illusion on that one!

I am glad you posted that.

 

I find it a bit hypocritical for some ows to think a marriage is a reasonable goal with someone who displays cheating behaviour. Not the best foundation to build off of IMO.

 

Of the 2 relationships I have seen where the MM does wind up marrying the OW. Both of those relationships are what I would consider...very bad. One the H still cheats on his OW now W. The other is a dirty old man that just reeks of lewdness, and I think she cheats on him. I don't really have close friendships with either of these couples.

 

Are you happy as it is now? What would be your ideal arrangement? What would you do if you discovered he was cheating on you with ow?

 

Just curious.

My ideal arrangement would be to live together, sharing our life experience and not to live with any kind of secrecy.

I have very liberal views about monogamy, underpants. I believe people can love and love sometimes diminishes - that married people are not necessarily meant to be together for life. Its like a job, staying at the same company all of your life - yes, some may enjoy it and propsper, yet others may grow and change and the pieces don't fit anymore.

If my SO met another woman, I would be hurt, obviously - I'm human. But in a way, the things that I've experienced through an affair have opened up a whole new realm to understanding fidelity, even though I am on the wrong side of it. For example, MM and I have discussed that trust is more necessary to us than other couples who have not been borne from an affair. Hypothetically, if I had a crush on another person, I would tell SO and expect us to work through it.

Its natural for human responses to occur and its about sharing that, understanding that we are human and trying to not repeat past mistakes.

No matter the poor state of "marriage" these days (I put it in quotes because I think the individuals are at fault, not the institution itself) I still find it a very worthwhile, even noble goal.

 

There just is something beautiful about two people seeking to commit to one another, and I think that every woman, even those who profess to not believe in marriage, is secretly thrilled at the thought.

 

What I think goes terribly wrong is that people just lose sight of the big picture, start taking one another for granted, lose a sense of identity etc etc. By no means is it easy. But by all means is it worth it.

 

xo

OE

I agree, there is something beautiful about two people committing to each other, trying to work together, understand each other, prioritise each others needs - just share their lives with each other. But I believe marriage isn't necessarily a tool to gain that - commitment can be gained without the vows in my opinion.

I'm really not secretly thrilled at the thought of marriage. I prefer the idealism that there's nothing holding some together apart from love, understanding and hope, and that those people are bound together in commitment to one another without the piece of paper that validates it.

I would definitely marry my MM.

I am also in the UK & I know the marriage rate is falling but I still want to get married! Co habiting would not be enough for me.

We have talked about it, he actually brought it up, & we both agree that we want to get married. I would be happy to wait quite some time after his divorce though. I wouldnt be pushing him as soon as he is legally single to then marry me, but it would be the ultimate goal, yes

We could think of only one example among all the colleagues we know (it's a big place - about 8 000 people working here) where the M&W are still in their original M. All the other MP are onto no 2 or 3 or 4 or 5; lots of divorced people, lots of single people in serial relationships that don't marry... Maybe this kind of environment is an extreme example, but it certainly does seem like M in the old sense (one M for life) has fallen out of fashion.

I agree to an extent, OWoman, although I believe people expect so much from their lives these days that they set themselves up for disappointment. I dont know whether its so much that marriage is out of fashion, or that expectations have grown and marriage no longer cuts the mustard. But I agree, its definitely on the slippery slope.

Hypothetically speaking, then, IF he were to divorce in future, would I ever marry him. I just don't know at the moment.

 

First of all he'd have to get through a divorce and live alone, process all his emotions and get himself on his feet again. We would have had to weather all those storms and come through strongly as a couple. Then we'd have to see how dating went, and whether what we had together was really viable for a 'forever' kind of relationship (I don't believe in divorce, isn't that amusing..?). And then of course, he'd have to ask me and present a good case as a man prepared to love, cherish and support me and I'd have to believe in and have faith in that.

 

So... ask me again in about a decade, I'd say..?

 

 

eta: Oh, I just wanted to add, that like JNRR I live in Britain, and sure enough, most couples I know aren't married and have no real intention of it. So I don't see it as a necessary goal. Although having said that, I do think I'd like to marry. But I won't be unhappy or disappointed if I never found the right man or right circumstance.

Lol Frannie, I'll put that decade diary date into my Outlook Calendar.

Can I ask, Frannie, the reason for marriage. Is it because it feels a natural progression in a relationship to the ultimate commitment, or is it more something that has been something you've always thought that should happen?

I would definitely marry my MM.

I am also in the UK & I know the marriage rate is falling but I still want to get married! Co habiting would not be enough for me.

We have talked about it, he actually brought it up, & we both agree that we want to get married. I would be happy to wait quite some time after his divorce though. I wouldnt be pushing him as soon as he is legally single to then marry me, but it would be the ultimate goal, yes

Hi Cat, I think its really interesting that co-habiting would not be enough for you. In essence, I believe co-habitation probably the main focus of commitment anyway - mortgages, insurance documents, who puts the washing in, who gets the shopping, all of those normal day to day things.

Its strange, because I never ever have fantasised about being married to MM. Just doing normal things with him. I cant believe I fantasise about doing the washing! No piece of paper, no white dress, nothing. I'm trying to figure out if thats something that has grown from watching marriages breakdown all around me, or if its something that has come from being in an affair, or if its something in my commitment make-up.

Same here. I am 47 and have never been married. Never wanted to marry. And will never marry.

Uhm, sorry to shatter your illusion on that one!

Lol Frannie, I'll put that decade diary date into my Outlook Calendar.

 

Can I ask, Frannie, the reason for marriage. Is it because it feels a natural progression in a relationship to the ultimate commitment, or is it more something that has been something you've always thought that should happen?

It doesn't seem like a necessary progression in a relationship, no. I've had long-term live-in relationships before, and ultimately it didn't feel right to marry. Whether that was for reasons of youth, lack of desire for commitment, or fear of it, or just knowing the person wasn't right, I don't know. My parents remained married til death, they loved each other, but at the same time my mother always expressed the negative 'trapped' aspect of marriage over the positive, and I suppose that feeling/thought was a hard one to shake off.

As I've grown older, and had more experience in relationships and found out who I am, become more sure of my own mind and my own ability to not only find the 'right' person but to 'make' that relationship work... well, lets say such a commitment not only feels possible, but desirable.

I know that one can have a commitment without marriage. However, I feel that when you say to someone 'this is it, for life', it really focuses the mind! (that's how I view it, anyway... I know not everyone is the same!).

I also agree with you that love can dwindle and can be rekindled, that people do find others attractive it's inevitable, and I also think that telling your partner about that if it happens is a great way to deal with it... it's certainly what I'd do and I'd expect him to do too. I'm all for open communication! And yes, one has to be realistic, that love can dwindle to nothing, we find ourselves incompatible... and eventually part.

But I think that I'm more or less ready, at my ripe old age, to give 'forever' a try. And I know I was half-joking when I said 10 years... but I'd want to be really, really sure before I could make a marriage commitment to anyone. I'm too much of a 'perfectionist' to settle for what's there. And I will not cheat under any circumstances, it's not something I believe in doing.

How's that. I don't believe in cheating or divorce... what am I doing..?

I think that every woman, even those who profess to not believe in marriage, is secretly thrilled at the thought.

Yes, it makes me all tingly to think I could one day get married and wear myself out, dedicating my entire life to a man who eventually takes me for granted and cheats on me. Oh COULD I?? :D

Hi Cat, I think its really interesting that co-habiting would not be enough for you. In essence, I believe co-habitation probably the main focus of commitment anyway - mortgages, insurance documents, who puts the washing in, who gets the shopping, all of those normal day to day things.

 

Yes, in many ways co habiting shows a very real commtiment- joint mortgage, bills, household chores etc.

However, I do want to be married because I want that ultimate sign of commitment- I want to have a wedding where all my family & friends attend & it is 'official' that he & I are properly 100% commited and openly acknowledged as being a married couple. Being married (IMO) is the biggest sign of commitment that there is.

Also, I am catholic & so want to marry in a Church & say vows that have a religious meaning, and get a blessing for the marriage, by a priest.

If my MM did not want to marry again, it would cause problems, as ultimately I want marriage & am not content with having permanent status as co habiting.

It doesn't seem like a necessary progression in a relationship, no. I've had long-term live-in relationships before, and ultimately it didn't feel right to marry. Whether that was for reasons of youth, lack of desire for commitment, or fear of it, or just knowing the person wasn't right, I don't know. My parents remained married til death, they loved each other, but at the same time my mother always expressed the negative 'trapped' aspect of marriage over the positive, and I suppose that feeling/thought was a hard one to shake off.

 

As I've grown older, and had more experience in relationships and found out who I am, become more sure of my own mind and my own ability to not only find the 'right' person but to 'make' that relationship work... well, lets say such a commitment not only feels possible, but desirable.

 

I know that one can have a commitment without marriage. However, I feel that when you say to someone 'this is it, for life', it really focuses the mind! (that's how I view it, anyway... I know not everyone is the same!).

 

I also agree with you that love can dwindle and can be rekindled, that people do find others attractive it's inevitable, and I also think that telling your partner about that if it happens is a great way to deal with it... it's certainly what I'd do and I'd expect him to do too. I'm all for open communication! And yes, one has to be realistic, that love can dwindle to nothing, we find ourselves incompatible... and eventually part.

 

But I think that I'm more or less ready, at my ripe old age, to give 'forever' a try. And I know I was half-joking when I said 10 years... but I'd want to be really, really sure before I could make a marriage commitment to anyone. I'm too much of a 'perfectionist' to settle for what's there. And I will not cheat under any circumstances, it's not something I believe in doing.

 

How's that. I don't believe in cheating or divorce... what am I doing..?

Well the quicker you dump AB Smethwick or whatever his name is, the quicker you will be in a position to get married.

How's that. I don't believe in cheating or divorce... what am I doing..?

I think you're in pain.