"By all means call on LS...

...But at least row away from the rocks".....

I was prompted to begin my own thread, by this comment:

This is an open forum, which means that anyone is welcome to respond. It also means that if you have an opinion that is unwelcome on someone elses thread, you can start your own.

in this thread:

Now, I will admit, immediately and without prompting that I can be a smart-ass mouthy, no-nonsense b1t*ch and not backward in coming forward.

And I can be harsh.

Occasionally, my straight-from-the-hip posts hit home, have a positive effect, and actually prompt the poor recipient of my tongue-lashing to affect a good change in their circumstances.

This is my objective, because I have found, more often than not, that this approach - direct, to the point and thought-provoking -is more immediately effective than cosseting, pampering and cushioning the poster with soft kindness, platitudes and 'tea and sympathy'.

(Subsequently complimentary replies, in agreement with my sentiments, would seem to bear this theory out....)

However, it is an admitted given, that on other occasions I should learn and accept the wisdom of keeping my loudyap shut.

But actually, this isn't what this thread is about (though doubtless, it's highly probable I will receive a dose of my own medicine, in one guise or another...)

But I would say - as I have done - you make any words you hurl at me, constructive and helpful, not use this as an excuse to 'get your own back' or just use the opportunity to vent your spleen and make insulting unfounded remarks just for the effect of it.

I have never posted anything with that intention.

No, this thread is actually about why, precisely, it's so difficult for people to not only to hear the truth of what I say, but why it's also so difficult to put it into practice.

The gist of my advice to people is always the same:

The duration of the grief and sadness you feel, is under your control.

The extent to how deeply your emotions affect you, how they impinge upon your life, and how they influence you - is up to you.

Everything we process mentally, begins with an evaluation, in answer to an initial perception.

If the thought process begins with a negative image or mental statement, then - unchecked - the following thoughts will follow the same pattern.

Continuing to perpetuate the sadness/anger/grief/distress/despair beyond a time when every fibre is telling you to stop - is unhealthy, and furthermore, is an indication of having abdicated the intensity and duration of what you feel, think and enact, to something outside of yourself.

We are all 100% responsible for what goes on between our ears.

That we permit outside events to influence that, is our responsibility.

I suppose the key question, is 'how long is grieving (and all emotions 'grieving' for a broken relationship, entails) healthy, before it becomes detrimental and unhealthy?

I suppose the answer is akin to that of the question,

"How long is a piece of string?"

Incidentally, the answer to that, is 'twice as long from its middle to one end"....Which is a clever response, but completely unhelpful and uninformative....

Every person is different.... every person needs a different time.... there is no 'right' or 'wrong' time-span.....

I agree, to an extent.

But - why is that?

Why should we not put a time-span on it?

Why should 6 months in one person be ok, but 6 years in the life of another, be unreasonable?

How do we measure grief?

It's intensity?

Its magnitude?

it's duration?

Why is a person right, when they say, "take your time"....

But another person wrong, when they say, "You should be over it, by now?"

Who's to say that person #1 isn't merely spouting platitudes, but person #2 has it right on the button?

Why is person 1 sympathetic, but the second, callous?

(just to try to balance my discussion, I found this article.)

In it, the author states:

Intense grieving may look like a severe depression or, what is referred to as "major depression" by mental health professionals. (. . .)

If these problems go on beyond two months with-out relief, they have gone beyond the duration of normal "mourning." It is a "major depressive episode with complicated grief." Professional intervention is needed at this point.

So Grief transforms then, to something more sinister.

But I am of the opinion - and the article would appear to bear this out - that Grief' does not remain 'Grief'. Not in a healthy, natural and commonplace sense.

'Grief', unchecked, turns to depression, because the person has reached a place where the path diverges and turns either up or down.

And they take the downturn.

It's true that depression then, needs professional counselling and support.

But it's a difficult evaluation to make when posters simply use the written medium to convey their sentiments, and are asking for support and input from basically, a whole community of unseen, unqualified, unprofessional ordinary everyday people, from all walks of life.

But I'm talking from a position of personal experience, and frankly, I know that what I advise, works.

Psychology has long utilised Buddhist methods of Mind evaluation, (through meditation and visualisation) to help people come to term with strong psychological issues, both those which are recent, acute and "superficial" (I'm not trivialising here) and those which are deeper, longer-lasting, more complex and highly clinical.

For those interested, Jack Kornfield’s A path with heart: A guide through the perils and promises of spiritual life, is a runaway best-seller that has had an enormous impact on many people, including non-meditators.

Kornfield is one of the central influences behind this movement. A successful meditation teacher and psychotherapist, he has inspired at least two other therapists to write on psychotherapy and meditation: Jeffrey Rubin, author of Psychotherapy and Buddhism: Towards an integration; and Mark Epstein, author of Thoughts without a thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist perspective are two further experts in this field.

So, if greater minds than I have attempted, through their work, to guide people in being completely responsible in the guidance, steering and directions of their own thoughts -

What makes people so resistant to changing what isn't working, to changing it to what does?

Why do people want to remain sad?

Why are people so reluctant, dismissive and condemning of seizing this opportunity to work through their process?

Why won't people believe it is possible to shed their curent state and move to a better one?

I get accused of speaking from a place where I just don't get it, or I cannot possibly understand....and that it's ok for me, I obviously haven't gone through this....

well, I have.

And I'm here to tell the tale that if I can do it, so can they.....

That was long.

Anybody read it?

I read it!

I think some of the problem you experience with giving no nonsense advise on here stems from:

The person asking for advise is still in that mourning stage where they have wrapped themselves in their emotions and are reveling in it. Some people run on the endorphins certain emotions release. We all know the initial stages of feeling in love is about chemistry. I think it is possible fresh sadness has a chemical effect too. They are still high on it and not ready to move past it.

Sharing a part of their lives and asking for help makes it SEEM like they are ready to move past it. But some people struggle with accepting that they might be part of the problem they are dealing with. They have to be ready to take responsibility for their part, but I think we can all think of a poster or two (or more ) who are not ready to take that step either.

Then there are those who have a gripe that isn't a problem they wish to solve. They have made a particular "problem" their identity. They like their soapbox. It is who they are. Who would they be if they stopped railing against men, women, gays, different ethnicities, the president, etc?

They don't know and they are not ready to find out.

Every once in a while though, you actually do get to help someone.

A few comments....and I am sure I will come up with more....

1. I have read many of your comments and (not meaning to be critical) they do come off harsh quite often. When someone comes here who is hurting, then they are extra sensitive. Pain and greief can easily lead to anger and extra sensitivity. Recognizing that, I am opposite of you...I feel it is better to explain things factually without accusations. Coming off as a "straight from the hip" person can give the newcomer a feeling of being attacked. I know...when I first came here, I had that impression from a few posters. I vowed to try to avoid giving such an impression to newbies.

2. While you may have been where some of these people have been (and as I may have been), two things must be remembered....our experiences are not like others. Our upbringings are not like others. So, our conclusions may not be like others. I feel it is important to share my thoughts and experiences, but I also know that I do not have the last word. And on your thread, I don't say I do either.

3. Whenever someone feels attacked by my post, then I do try to apologize for it. Harshness in a time of pain never helps. It may shock a person to look at another direction, but rarely from what I have seen does it actually bring an "aha" moment. After a person has been here awhile and recognizes who some personalities are here on LS, then advice can be more candid. Advice given gently can do so much more.

4. Too often we (and definitely this includes me) give advice without getting the whole picture. The person may have given it and we did not read it all closely, or the person may actually have forgotten key details. One of the best things to do before giving "Dr Laura" style advice is...ask questions. This not only helps me but it will help other posters give advice. Newbies especially do not always remember to give enough details for good feedback.

5. Everyone comes here asking for advice and feedback, but not everyone is ready to hear what you or I have to say. It always amazes me that people in certain situations expect them to be so different than the others who have been in identical situations....ie affairs. And having been on LS for a few years, I have learned that just because this new person has s story so similar to others that have posted here, this does not mean that the advice given should be the same.

Summarizing....

Kindness

Questions

Comments

And all of the above is of course my opinion. While I do think it is a very important opinion, I recognize that it is just one perspective.

I read it Tara. Some of my best friends are non nonsense b*****s who I love and respect. Your comments IMO are often spot on, but you have to accept, as I'm sure you have, that your wisdom is unpalatable and thereby ultimately indigestible by some wound licking posters. Mostly, you are puzzled, it seems, by their inexplicable refusal to move on with their lives to begin the self healing process.

You sound like my bf who has been through so much grief that his face is road worn by it, although it hasn't permanently treaded upon his heart. He speaks wisdom which I respect from someone who's lost both parents, 3 siblings way too early from disease, and a number of other life insults, and yet he still stands as tall as a red oak, positively excited looking forward to his future.

The other day I was whining to him about not getting the positive accolades from a professor that I thought I deserved. I also said that I thought I should quit school because I never seem to do what I expect I can do. The field is so much harder than I'd anticipated. He patiently listened, but after a few minutes, he informed me that this is the only game in town, showed me the pros and cons of my thinking and life options, and firmly, told me I need to get my s*** together. He said a lot more than that, but this verbal slap in the face was what I needed for a mental reset. Some people respond well to this, others sink deeper into their proverbial hole after such talk, but I appreciated it more than he could know.

Some people just can't hear you, and have already decided not to, and will only accept coddling and pats on the back. Each new insult causes them to seek more help with their wound licking, and those who know better simply have to back off, until they decided to get stitches, or sadly shake our heads as the wound becomes infectious and in some cases gangrene.

Keep up the good fight, and keep up with that thinking of yours!

Jeesh, Sally4Sara,

you said it so much better than I.

And so much more briefly!

Tole you I gotted a big yap....

And as for your final comment - That really is ever my only intention....

And sometimes, I become such an irritating itch, I hope someone gives in to the urge to scratch....

I ws just doing some research and reading on the web, and came across this little gem:

Phil has entered his home, and opens the sitting room door.

It's night-time, and the place is in darkness.... but in the light from the street lamp, Phil sees a long, semi-coiled creature, lying on the couch, head reared.

Phil, has a phobia of snakes.

And there's a great big long one, staring at him, right in front of him, on the couch.

he freezes on the spot, in sheer terror...unable to move, or say anything...

His wife, Jan, comes in behind him, and realises that Phil is in a state of sheer panic.

She takes his arm, tells him to breathe - and turns the light on.

The snake is miraculously transformed into the dog's leash, which was carelessly thrown there by Phil, on his return that morning from his early jog round the park, with the dog.

So Phil's panic and frozen state of fear were completely unfounded.

His perception and belief that he was looking at a snake, were completely baseless.

A coiled leash's speckled colour and coiling are similar to those of a snake, and when the leash is perceived in a dim area, the thought arises, “This is a snake.” As for the leash, at that time when it is seen to be a snake, the collection and parts of the leash are not even in the slightest way a snake. Therefore, that snake is merely set up by conceptuality.

So it is with what we perceive and conceive within our minds.

But sometimes, we need to be shown this, by someone else, and they need to demonstrate that our fears, preconceived ideas, views and opinions actually have no foundation, other than those we generate ourselves.

The fear (grief, or whatever emotion) is present.

The leash (cause and root of the fear, or whatever emotion) is present.

but the ramblings and stories we tell ourselves - are not real, because they are founded on an already flawed premise.....

I thought that was quite revealing.....

Thank you also to JamesM, and to EcstasyX6.

This was exactly the exchange I was hoping for, and I take all comments on board, in the spirit with which they're given.

I see and understand and also accept that perhaps my methods need refining. But how to do that, and remain 'true to what I believe'? How to effectively sugar the pill without over-doing it with the saccharine?

Do I amend my approach and risk changing the essence of my advice, or do I persevere, and accept the barbs and rebuttals?

Muwah Tara, thanks for the compliment.

That's not to say I've never felt a tiny bit of guilt now and then over the heft behind my verbal hammer. But I too don't find sugar coating to be motivational for everyone nor does every poster I read on here deserve it.

sorry, kiddo – I stalled at "loudyap," and couldn't quit laughing when I saw that word. :laugh:

however, I think the beauty of your input is that you have a no-bullshxt clause and tell it like it is. And that's great. However, not everyone appreciates direct observation like that ... and so you kind of learn to tailor the tone of your responses so that the message you want to convey reaches through their hurt and grief and sorrow and pain.

and that's not really about sugar-coating your words, but being a bit more empathetic. Frankly, when I hit that particular wall, that's when I ask the Big Guy to guide my words so that His voice of hope and love come through, not just me being a loudyap

man, I love that word!

I happened to read the exchange in the other thread Tara.

I'm not sure that you are being overly harsh, but speaking the truth of the matter. I do know that your message is never delivered with the intent to wound or belittle someone who is in pain, but perhaps to challenge them to see things in a different light.

I must tell you how often your straight shooting advice to another poster (even if I have never participated in the thread) has comforted me, and made me examine what I am getting out of playing the same old tape that is running through my head.

I think the most favorite advice that you gave someone was "there is a beginning, a middle, and an end."

I wonder how many people read a thread, never participate, maybe never even become a member of LS and take something positive from what you write? Or for that matter what any of us write?

Tara, I think you're brilliant, certainly one of the best, most wise posters here (not to mention one of the funniest!). But how to translate that great advice into something a particular poster will want to accept and consider? I understand the struggle between wanting to knock some of them upside the head and being perhaps overly compassionate; I fight that fight with my kids on a regular basis.

Nope, no answers. Though your best bet is probably being true to yourself and saying what you want to say. Because you're great.

I happened to read the exchange in the other thread Tara.

 

I'm not sure that you are being overly harsh, but speaking the truth of the matter. I do know that your message is never delivered with the intent to wound or belittle someone who is in pain, but perhaps to challenge them to see things in a different light.

Yes, but I think I really need to use a dimmer torch... this halogen spotlight I'm fond of wielding is really too powerful for some, and I really should realise that.....

I must tell you how often your straight shooting advice to another poster (even if I have never participated in the thread) has comforted me, and made me examine what I am getting out of playing the same old tape that is running through my head.

That's a good way of putting it.

I'm sorry to sound as if I'm banging the drum, but one bit of Buddhist lore is to view our own lives like a film we're directing...it's just unreal, in the sense that once it's played, there's no changing it, retrieving it or amending it. It's all played out like a soap opera, and all we can do is modify the coming scenes....

I think the most favorite advice that you gave someone was "there is a beginning, a middle, and an end."

I wonder how many people read a thread, never participate, maybe never even become a member of LS and take something positive from what you write? Or for that matter what any of us write?

That's something I really should bear in mind more often... Anyone researching 'Taramaiden', 'tell-it-like-it-is', Xena warrior princess, or even 'loudyap' might come across my posts.

And what we say has effect, in the near-, mid- and long-term scheme of things.

And whilst my intention is entirely honourable - I really don't say things out of spite, malice, unkindness or maliciousness, how people take things is still subject to their perception.... not subject to my intention.

Perception is often deception, but if that's the impression they get, then is it entirely their fault?

Hmmm.....

Aaaaww...GT.........

I'm speechless.

yup, you read it here first, folks!

(I really didn't expect that.....)

Do I amend my approach and risk changing the essence of my advice, or do I persevere, and accept the barbs and rebuttals?

I say, remain genuine and true to who you are and just accept that some folks will not agree with what you say or how you present it. While others (myself included) will appreciate and respect the brand of wisdom, the breath of fresh air, and plain ol’ common sense you have brought to these boards. You don’t have to play Mary Poppins to please the masses or, for gawd’s sakes, apologize each and every time you post something that someone doesn’t agree with.

I LIKE that you are confident and articulate in your views and not all wishy-washy. That you’re here to use your education and experience to help others rather than win some silly popularity contest. Personally, I think your uniqueness, mixed with intelligence, wit and charm (at least for me) is what makes you stand out among the hundreds of folks who post to these boards... and I’d be surprised if I were the only one reading your posts regularly, as well as learning so much from them.

Please don’t change a darn thing. You’re such a welcomed bright spot.

I agree with much of your advice, in that we're all 100% in control of ourselves and our perceptions, if we wish.

But patience and knowing when to back off are also virtues and are the flip side of the same "we control ourselves" coin. I also struggle with this and keep working at it, sometimes with success, other times...well...

As well, we cannot ever fully understand another, on a message board. What may seem common sense and no-brainers to us, might be scaling Mount Everest for others, due to foundational patterns of behaviour or stage in life.

Also, how we perceive life and enact with others within relationships, might not make another person happy.

So we, as advice givers have to ask ourselves "Does right or the right way exist?".

Tara you spout out this cognitive therapy crap wrapped up in new age bull $hit. It rains on my and other posters pity parades when we are just looking for the perpetual patty-pat-pats of poor poor you on our backs. Your post shows grievousness to our grief, a disdain to our distress, and parodies the perfection of the previous partner. I for one did not like it when it was turn on me:

GrayClouds Quote:

 

So I go on LS for a bit of understanding / support. I get this woman, who appears to be a cross between a new age Buddhist and Xena the Warrior Princess given me all this tuff love BS. Yes, I probably need it (and actually quite grateful for it but I wont tell her that) though I don't like it. She has me seriously thinking of shaving my hair (and I got a pinhead, not a totally unattractive pinhead but a pinhead none the less). The reason, because I looking for something to get me back to well enough until it gets better. As I gander into my tool box, I see have already used everything in this Sears Craftsman 120 piece set (if I am honest it is as manly of a set I will ever need.) So I am at wits end. I know hitting myself with hammer or screwing myself (or more actually someone else) back to a better place is not going to work. Full thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201198/

Grandpa was old and drank a lot, half out of his head, so lets not get into the whole man vs woman, religious vs secular, liberal vs conservative BS here. Despite this love for liqueur, he occasionally be lucid.

In one such cognizant moment, he said something to the fact there is a reason for a child to have both a mother and father. He said when a child skins his knee, and the mother is there, she with give the child compassion and mend the wound. If the father is there he tells the kid to get up and get back on the bike. A child needs both, to know he is cared for when he hurts and to know he is strong enough to get past the hurt.

LS needs both. People to comfort us in our pain and people to remind us of our strength. If your need one over the other, respond to the one you need and move the other. But understand what one wants is not necessary what the need. (But I think that old parody of his former self, mick jaggers said it more poetically)

Tara,

I seldom disagree with your underlying message(s).

What I find lacking in many/most of your posts, though, is kindness and compassion.

One can be honest, direct, on point, supportive, encouraging and helpful while still being mindful and respectful of where the other person actually is, not where we (responders to posts) believe they 'could' be or 'should' be.

How you deliver your own brand of insight and suggestions often negates the value thereof; it is often more hurtful than helpful, IMO. And then you duck behind your "good/noble/high" intentions...instead of stepping out of your own self, accepting/acknowledging your contributions to the added pain of the other person, and offering something more empathetic.

You can also become very attached to your own position/view in a single thread, and use one thread to continue expressing your opinions about some other aspect of a poster's life for which they, apparently, did/do not agree with you (even if the thread to which you're responding has absolutely nothing to do with that other area.)

It amuses me, sometimes, because how you go about it is -- most often, I find -- so "opposite" of genuine Buddhist teachings, isn't it?

I keep asking (in my head), "Tara, where is the mindfulness, and the detachment, and the compassion?"

To me, you could, if you wanted to, look at HOW you're delivering instead of what. It has nothing to do with being a "shoot from the hips, no-nonsense bitch" -- I am that, 100% But I don't alienate half as many folk around these parts, as you do.

Muwah Tara, thanks for the compliment.

 

That's not to say I've never felt a tiny bit of guilt now and then over the heft behind my verbal hammer. But I too don't find sugar coating to be motivational for everyone nor does every poster I read on here deserve it.

I think some people respond to a heavier hand just as some completely are taken aback by it and refuse to see the wisdom in the words.

TM chime in with your advice as it will be. Say it how you want to say it (of course within guidelines). Others should as well and if a poster finds solace in what others say instead of you then so be it. There are plenty of cases where the reverse is true I'm sure.

You and sally4sara are among my favorite posters here. I feel lucky I can find your messages here.

Do you really feel you offend so many?

Tara,

Like others in this thread, I enjoy reading your posts, and often you give solid advice.

But, have you ever considered you may be wrong? It is possible, right? I say this with no malice, and I fully admit that sometimes I feel that if someone would just listen to my advice, all would be right with their world. But, there is the whole square peg, round hole thing to consider.

I hope you don't take this post as an attack.

Tara,

I seldom disagree with your underlying message(s).

What I find lacking in many/most of your posts, though, is kindness and compassion.

 

One can be honest, direct, on point, supportive, encouraging and helpful while still being mindful and respectful of where the other person actually is, not where we (responders to posts) believe they 'could' be or 'should' be.

 

How you deliver your own brand of insight and suggestions often negates the value thereof; it is often more hurtful than helpful, IMO. And then you duck behind your "good/noble/high" intentions...instead of stepping out of your own self, accepting/acknowledging your contributions to the added pain of the other person, and offering something more empathetic.

 

You can also become very attached to your own position/view in a single thread, and use one thread to continue expressing your opinions about some other aspect of a poster's life for which they, apparently, did/do not agree with you (even if the thread to which you're responding has absolutely nothing to do with that other area.)

 

It amuses me, sometimes, because how you go about it is -- most often, I find -- so "opposite" of genuine Buddhist teachings, isn't it?

I keep asking (in my head), "Tara, where is the mindfulness, and the detachment, and the compassion?"

 

To me, you could, if you wanted to, look at HOW you're delivering instead of what. It has nothing to do with being a "shoot from the hips, no-nonsense bitch" -- I am that, 100% But I don't alienate half as many folk around these parts, as you do.

I think you're quite right.

I think that sometimes, although I do try to be Mindful and compassionate, without any doubt, I fail dismally.

I forget myself a good few too many times.

I curiously manifest different behaviour on Buddhist forums I frequent.

And I'm a moderator on two of them.

Food for thought.

It's all good, and I thank you.

Tara,

 

Like others in this thread, I enjoy reading your posts, and often you give solid advice.

 

But, have you ever considered you may be wrong? It is possible, right? I say this with no malice, and I fully admit that sometimes I feel that if someone would just listen to my advice, all would be right with their world. But, there is the whole square peg, round hole thing to consider.

 

I hope you don't take this post as an attack.

No, not at all. I'm very pleased you've commented....

Could you tell me what you think I'm wrong about?

"Diagnosis" of a poster's issue is occasionally a hit-and-miss affair, because either the op has not been adequately candid, or has (for many reasons) withheld information, or has obviously charged the reader with a one-sided account.

of course, it is bound to be one sided, so that's the only perspective we can reply from....

But with regard to the responsibility for the arising of emotions and responses, as gist of my posts, as I detailed in my first post here - I don't think I am wrong....

My advice may well be off-bat. I absolutely accept and own that one.

but as to the origin and manifestation of emotional feelings, I really don't think I am....

Because primarily, that's not a concept of my invention.

I hope in turn, you don't see that as complete rebuttal...

Thank you for commenting.

I think some people respond to a heavier hand just as some completely are taken aback by it and refuse to see the wisdom in the words.

 

TM chime in with your advice as it will be. Say it how you want to say it (of course within guidelines). Others should as well and if a poster finds solace in what others say instead of you then so be it. There are plenty of cases where the reverse is true I'm sure.

 

You and sally4sara are among my favorite posters here. I feel lucky I can find your messages here.

 

Do you really feel you offend so many?

Thanks!

I can't speak for Tara, but - yeah. We communicate in text on here and can't see facial expression or hear vocal tone. It makes it hard to get humor across. I love absurd humor as well and prefer letting someone's own argument beat them, so IRL half of what I say gets taken much differently than it seems to on here.

Tho, I think when I intend to offend it is pretty hard to miss.

Tho, I think when I intend to offend it is pretty hard to miss.

I think that could be said for quite a few! And I'd count myself among them.

I followed you over from the other thread. I admit, I don't have what it takes to keep posting effectively here. My wife read the things I wrote and said they come across as too imperious to digest. It's a shortcoming from being a physician. I like it when patients listen to reason and evidence.

Taramaiden, I support you 100%, and am so glad to have found a poster who nearly mirrors my philosophy on recovery from devastation. I don't know if you've read any books/research, had therapy, or anything beyond just actually experiencing the tragedies in your life, but I am amazed that different people can come to similar philosophies via different experiences.

I get frustrated when I hear the enabling "support" from posters. It's one thing to offer solace, comfort, and kindness, but another to validate someone's feelings of worthlessness as a "natural" consequence of grieving. I think people incorporate their suffering into their very identity for a time after a devastating event, and any assailment of their self-perpetuated suffering is taken as an impeachment of their very identity. Hence the hostile resistance to your wily charms.

I, for one, can't change the way I communicate. My sentences and thoughts come out a certain way. It's pretty good for my clinical practice, but it just doesn't emote enough compassion over a written anonymous internet forum, I suppose.

What EnigmaXOXO said about this not being a popularity contest is spot on. You're doing great work. I can't write anything without someone eventually getting sick of it and sarcastically dismissing it, and I'm not above calling people out on it, so I think I'll just be a fan of yours instead for a while.

I followed you over from the other thread. I admit, I don't have what it takes to keep posting effectively here. My wife read the things I wrote and said they come across as too imperious to digest. It's a shortcoming from being a physician. I like it when patients listen to reason and evidence.

 

Taramaiden, I support you 100%, and am so glad to have found a poster who nearly mirrors my philosophy on recovery from devastation. I don't know if you've read any books/research, had therapy, or anything beyond just actually experiencing the tragedies in your life, but I am amazed that different people can come to similar philosophies via different experiences.

 

I get frustrated when I hear the enabling "support" from posters. It's one thing to offer solace, comfort, and kindness, but another to validate someone's feelings of worthlessness as a "natural" consequence of grieving. I think people incorporate their suffering into their very identity for a time after a devastating event, and any assailment of their self-perpetuated suffering is taken as an impeachment of their very identity. Hence the hostile resistance to your wily charms.

 

I, for one, can't change the way I communicate. My sentences and thoughts come out a certain way. It's pretty good for my clinical practice, but it just doesn't emote enough compassion over a written anonymous internet forum, I suppose.

 

What EnigmaXOXO said about this not being a popularity contest is spot on. You're doing great work. I can't write anything without someone eventually getting sick of it and sarcastically dismissing it, and I'm not above calling people out on it, so I think I'll just be a fan of yours instead for a while.

I enjoy your posts.

And I would agree that it doesn't help anyone to suggest they wallow in it or take time to grieve etc.

My advice often runs along the same lines as TM.

Somebody has to say it. And even if that person isn';t quite in a place to have it hit home perhaps a reader is or that person will eventually.

But the only way to get over something an move on is to do exactly that.

The only problem I have with you giving advice is that you take the advice of scam artists to begin with

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