Sicken by his choice in someone else

My ex BF he is 31 I am 36..decided to end a perfectly good thing for grass is greener syndrome with an 18 year old girl who just graduated highschool..Now Im dealing with the loss of him fairly well, what makes me so sick and depressed is that he chose to be with a niave lil girl and is taking advantage of her and ruining her life for his sick needs..They have been together for 6 months and she now lives with him (at his parents place) and she drives his car cause she has none, basically she is running from her family and they are against it also. I cant believe his parents allowed an 18 year old girl to move into their home with their 31 year old son that she barely knows. I know he is not a winner and I am better off, since he has a prior felony record a drug problem and is collecting unemployment. I contacted this girl and tried to give her advice but she is clinging onto him so bad.

What do you all think is goin on here for him..to leave me for a teenybopper and for her to want such a loser for a boyfriend...Any chance this could work..I feel so sick and horrified!

Honestly, none of this is your concern anymore. You are effectively meddling in his life at this point. The best, and most constructive thing you can do now is focus on yourself and leave him and his current life choices in the past. Your credibility to this girl will be too low to make a difference and what his parent's allow him to do is their decision. He doesn't sound like a very stable partner, so be glad you are free of the situation and know you will find someone better once you evaluate and discover why you allowed yourself to be involved with him in the first place. Best wishes...

Ugh....

I won't lie, also being 31 you do get the fantasy of hooking up with girls that are young like that but there is no way in hell I would ever choose to be in a relationship with an 18 yr old. Hell, 25 these days seems to be pushing it.

I think the guy sounds like an idiot and clearly is just interested in getting some young vagina but really, nothing you can do. He'll probably get bored/frustrated by her immaturity and then bolt and she'll be complaining about him.

Yup, I know the feeling. My ex is 33 I'm 39 he got caught cheating on me with a 23 year old who he is now marrying.

Well the good news for you is you no longer have to be with an immature 31 year old who still lives with his parents.

This is no longer your concern. He gets to make his choices in relationship partners from here on out, and if 18 y/o girls are the thing for him, so be it. You sound bitter and jealous talking about why she would be with a loser as you too were with that loser and still try to insert yourself into his life and business. Leave this guy and his girlfriend alone.

He was in my life a very long time and I had no idea he had eyes for teens when I have a daughter her age..thats why I am so creeped out! Not jealous...I am smart, sexy, good looking and have my crap together as a grown woman so no need to be jealous..I am sick any guy would go after a teenager right out of highschool..and yes he had issues but love was more important at the time..now looking back he was a loser and still is and I dont want him back...i feel so sorry for this lil girl who's whole life is just beginning and he is ruining it because she is so desperate to be free from her parents that she jumped in to the first guy with a car and a bed for her to sleep in! I am merely asking other grown ups what they think of men over 30 trying to have lifelong partners with teens???

Men your husband's age who date recent high school grads often have serious domination and control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But they also often want to be with women they perceive as less savvy, who they can more easily manipulate. Sometimes they also hope to make these young girls dependent on them financially. This may or may not be true in your husband's case. In any event, he has shown himself to be someone with serious character flaws. Years down the road, when this is less fresh, you may look back and conclude you're well rid of him. So sorry you had to go through this.

He wasnt my husband..I never would marry him until he got his crap together which he never did so I am okay he is gone..I am pretty much over him..I dont miss him at all..its just instead of finally getting on his own 2 feet and being responsible..he rather just use some Innocent little girl with the brains of a newborn to accept his never changing ways..I just dont see how any man could be happy longterm with a girl that partys all the time and not lived life yet.

Men your husband's age who date recent high school grads often have serious domination and control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But they also often want to be with women they perceive as less savvy, who they can more easily manipulate. Sometimes they also hope to make these young girls dependent on them financially. This may or may not be true in your husband's case. In any event, he has shown himself to be someone with serious character flaws. Years down the road, when this is less fresh, you may look back and conclude you're well rid of him. So sorry you had to go through this.

Bluz73, You have the story of my life. My ex BF was 30 when he left me for a girl he met in Vegas that just turned 18 last year. Not long after he got engaged to her, he want on a relentless pursuit to get me back and I fought hard to say no way...just for my self esteem's sake.

Unlike what the other poster said, you don't sound bitter or jealous.You sound HURT.

Also,you sound like someone who wants to get some kind of understanding on what the hell happened to the guy you knew. Thing is....he HAS shown you who he is. Believe him.

Like other posts have stated. Don't try to rationalize their relationship too much and ESPECIALLY don't try to talk to the new GF. She will not listen.

Don't make their life your business anymore. It isn't...thank goodness!!!!

Definitely express yourself here on LS anytime you need to talk or have questions and don't hesitate to get some insight from your friends and family that love you.

Like ADF stated, Just the fact that your ex dumped you at all shows character flaws...even if the other girl was 30 herself. Don't contact him never ever again. Get your revenge by not giving a damn what he and his teen does in their lives. Keep looking your best everyday, laugh with friends, do great at work and/or school and don't dwell too long on what was. Trust me...it DOES get better!

BTW: I managed to get back in the dating pool with some hits and misses but it sure feels good to be a happy me again! You will get here too!

This is no longer your concern. He gets to make his choices in relationship partners from here on out, and if 18 y/o girls are the thing for him, so be it. You sound bitter and jealous talking about why she would be with a loser as you too were with that loser and still try to insert yourself into his life and business. Leave this guy and his girlfriend alone.

Jeeez Louise speaking of sounding bitter. Looks like somebody hit a sore spot there.

Jeeez Louise speaking of sounding bitter. Looks like somebody hit a sore spot there.

I seriously wondered that myself, ilovecake.

bluz73, Also don't accept any calls from your ex WHILE he is still with the GF because it wouldn't be genuine.

My ex begged me to wait for him when he returned from duty in Afghanistan after Christmas last year. I couldn't believe it. Here he was STILL engaged and he is sober as a priest asking me that. He pleaded with me for nearly 2-3 hours and said that he "has a plan" of breaking up with his new fiancee' when he gets back. Not to mention the texts, phone calls and e-mails earlier in the months beforehand to win me back.

IMO, your ex just burned a bridge by dumping you..period. Your job now is to leave him right where you found him.

Not your problem. Just be glad you got away from him...he is clearly a SICK person.

I think of it this way. I and probably most women who have been left for someone much younger were obviously too mature and sophisticated for the guy. He's with a child because now he feels like he has the mental upper hand. He can relate to someone who’s biggest responsibility in life is making sure they TiVo American Idol.

The first week my ex and I broke up I would look at his facebook or myspace and he would have status updates like “finally, total inebriation”. I never once stopped him from partying but he would always tell me how much he would like to quit drinking and I would just say I would do everything to support him. Never did I lay a guilt trip on him about it. Obviously though he knew he was too much of a loser to be with me so he had to find someone 16 years younger who can drink him under that table. I saw her facebook pictures once and in every one of them she’s either standing by a keg or has a plastic beer cup in her hand. I’m sure the wedding will be much like a frat party.

I agree. It's not your problem or concern. What your ex is doing has been done for centuries. If a young pup looks an old dog's way, he's gone. Just be glad you weren't married when this happened. Was he looking at your daughter that way - probably. I hate to say it but I certainly would think that if I had an 18 year old daughter. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what I say.

..I just dont see how any man could be happy longterm with a girl that partys all the time and not lived life yet.

Because he isn't in it for her brains.

 

Unlike what the other poster said, you don't sound bitter or jealous.You sound HURT.

Also,you sound like someone who wants to get some kind of understanding on what the hell happened to the guy you knew. Thing is....he HAS shown you who he is. Believe him.

 

LovelyDaze..Thank you for understanding what I am going thru..I am hurt but not jealous cause the girl he chose has the body of a 12 yr old and how they say 18 yr olds are smokin hot well she is not hot at all she is a lil girl...Besides looks this girl just graduated HS and is now working fulltime while he plays xbox all day collecting unemployment and weening off methadone from a pain pill addiction so I am not jealous whatsover..I may be 36 but I get carded all the time and could pass for 21..This guy had some kind of serious hold on me over the years although he had many flaws he genuinely was a sweet loving man, but not someone I could ever spend my life with he was like a drug and I am withdrawling from him.

I just cant believe his parents smart successful people would allow such a situation to arise in their home. The way I see it she needed a free meal ticket from her parents and car to drive and he needed a sex buddy and someone to be at his maturity level. I am so much beter off..I just have been trying to come to the understanding why he would give up someone with success, that cooked for him, fullfilled his sexual needs, had my own car and apartment for a lil girl...it is the answer I wont ever get. Soon as this happened he changed his cell number and email addresses to avoid me and my questions and I am hurt he was a coward ad not the man I thought I knew

LovelyDaze..Thank you for understanding what I am going thru..I am hurt but not jealous cause the girl he chose has the body of a 12 yr old and how they say 18 yr olds are smokin hot well she is not hot at all she is a lil girl...Besides looks this girl just graduated HS and is now working fulltime while he plays xbox all day collecting unemployment and weening off methadone from a pain pill addiction so I am not jealous whatsover..I may be 36 but I get carded all the time and could pass for 21..This guy had some kind of serious hold on me over the years although he had many flaws he genuinely was a sweet loving man, but not someone I could ever spend my life with he was like a drug and I am withdrawling from him.

I just cant believe his parents smart successful people would allow such a situation to arise in their home. The way I see it she needed a free meal ticket from her parents and car to drive and he needed a sex buddy and someone to be at his maturity level. I am so much beter off..I just have been trying to come to the understanding why he would give up someone with success, that cooked for him, fullfilled his sexual needs, had my own car and apartment for a lil girl...it is the answer I wont ever get. Soon as this happened he changed his cell number and email addresses to avoid me and my questions and I am hurt he was a coward ad not the man I thought I knew

Sounds like his parents are pushovers anyways. Why is there 31 year old son still living at home anyways. Hes on easy streeet, and they are allowing it. Be glad hes gone, and dont even let it bother you who he is seeing...he obviously has issues...that much is very clear. The girl sounds like she had terrible taste in men (granted being young and naive) she will figure it out soon enough, or get bored and leave him because face it shes young and he is twice her age.

This guy had some kind of serious hold on me over the years although he had many flaws he genuinely was a sweet loving man, but not someone I could ever spend my life with he was like a drug and I am withdrawling from him.

 

If you are 36 and he had a serious hold on you with all his problems, imagine how he has a hold over a naive 18 year old. He is a drug to her also. She will undoubtedly grow up and move on from him as time moves on.

 

I just cant believe his parents smart successful people would allow such a situation to arise in their home. The way I see it she needed a free meal ticket from her parents and car to drive and he needed a sex buddy and someone to be at his maturity level.

 

 

His parents did that because they love him. Blood is thicker than water. But, if they truly loved him they would kick him out and make him be a man.

 

I am so much beter off..I just have been trying to come to the understanding why he would give up someone with success, that cooked for him, fullfilled his sexual needs, had my own car and apartment for a lil girl...it is the answer I wont ever get. Soon as this happened he changed his cell number and email addresses to avoid me and my questions and I am hurt he was a coward ad not the man I thought I knew

You are right you do deserve better. You have your stuff together so don't worry about what he is doing. It is pretty easy to figure out why he did what he did (he couldn't past up a chance for some young arse) he's too cowardly to face you. As far as not being the man you thought you knew, you knew he was a drug addict, didn't like to work and is bascially a moma's boy. You didn't lose anything but now have a chance to find a real man. Some would question why a woman like you were dating such a man yourself.

There are two sides to this. It's okay to be disgusted by your ex's choice. You're entitled to feel whatever you feel.

But...

You have to analyze why you're interfering and if there's personal gain involved, then action shouldn't be taken, since the welfare of the 18 year old, isn't uppermost in your mind.

You are right you do deserve better. You have your stuff together so don't worry about what he is doing. It is pretty easy to figure out why he did what he did (he couldn't past up a chance for some young arse) he's too cowardly to face you. As far as not being the man you thought you knew, you knew he was a drug addict, didn't like to work and is bascially a moma's boy. You didn't lose anything but now have a chance to find a real man. Some would question why a woman like you were dating such a man yourself.

Bingo. Get on with your own life and find a partner that suits you... Just don't meddle in his life anymore. As long as you continue to involve yourself in his life you are just doing yourself a disservice.

This situation strikes me to the core not only cause he is my ex love but because My 19 year old neice is now dating a 32 yr old man and I am sickened even more by what these guys are trying to do by ruining lil girls futures!

I am not meddling in his life I havent talked to him in 4 months..His gf contacted me a month ago via myspace (which i now deleted) We had a converstaion to the degree which I told her exactly what happened and to find out he lied to her and even dumped her after a month because he was confused about his feelings for me. Then when I caught onto his lies he had no other choice but to stay with her cuz I was done. I am just trying to find out the logic of all this..What is the point in dating her if its goin to end eventually.

As for me being the smarter wiser woman why I was with him..well lets see he loved me and treated me well..he went from no college to college..full blown painpill addiction to treatment program...from no job to a manager job...So I was seeing he was changing and my love brought the best out in him then he gotlaid off from his job and met her so now he is back to square one!

You have to let it go, doesn't matter what is going on, it is his choice to do this and that's all you need to focus on. Forget about advising the girl, she is 18 but neither naive or innocent, she knows what she is doing and quite frankly it is not your place to play "mom" to her to teach her right from wrong.

Move on and try to heal from this experience, and stop focusing your energy on them. Have comfort in knowing that this will never ever work out long term, in a few years when she feels trapped and like he "stole her youth" and she wants to be out partying and enjoying life as most 20 somethings do, he will be the first to be cast aside. The more she will push for freedom the more he will control, this will be their demise.

He will get his own punishment, which will be based on his stupid choice. For now things will be great, but it will come down hard in time. I guarantee that. It's text book.

What is the point in dating her if its goin to end eventually.

As for me being the smarter wiser woman why I was with him..well lets see he loved me and treated me well..he went from no college to college..full blown painpill addiction to treatment program...from no job to a manager job...So I was seeing he was changing and my love brought the best out in him then he gotlaid off from his job and met her so now he is back to square one!

I just realized this isn't even posted on the "Dating Section" I don't even know how I ended up here but oh well since I am here responding to this post anyway I'll continue....

Your take-away note from this experience should be never be the woman to nurse a man back into completeness, you will ultimately be seen as the "mother" who got him back on his feet but his attraction for you will dissolve in the process and once he is all cured and standing straight on his own two feet your job will be done.

It doesn't surprise me he went for someone extremely young and who he probably feels he doesn't have to try as hard to impress. With you he felt challenged to change and improve, and now that he has achieved that he can kick back with this 18 yr old he can share everything that you have taught him and use what you have done to make him a better man, to their benefit.

Either way never choose a fixer-upper for a mate, it's just not worth the work as you now know the hard way.

[quote name=Twenty-ten;2708799 Either way never choose a fixer-upper for a mate' date=' it's just not worth the work as you now know the hard way. [/quote]

This goes for both genders. I had to learn that the hard way.

This goes for both genders.

Absolutely!

All the lessons we learn in relationships are the hard way, there would be nothing to learn if it didn't hurt unfortunately.