New here, pregnant, and feeling dumped.

Hello all

Obviously, I'm a newbie to this forum, but I'm glad I found it...I've got terrible relationship issues but yet somehow I'm really good @ dishing out good advice to others, so I look forward to giving my 0.02 to anyone.

As briefly as I can put it; I'm currently 7 mos preg w a man who I've only been w for 9 months. Needless to say this was a little bit of an oops, but none the less something that we were both initially very excited about. Of course, I am still very excited, be it now very stressed as the clock ticks closer, but him.......not too much. We were so inseperable in the beginning (which led to this whole baby thing), but in the last few months he has bcome more distant literally every day, and more obviously. I'll admit, he's had a job change, a huge decrease in income, and subsequently more of a financial strain, which has altered the time he's had available for me. No longer does he make ANY time for me be it time together or phone time. He frequently picks and chooses which texts to respond to and often takes his time. He no longer makes time for phone conversations. He has in every sense of the words - checked out. On top of it, he's a party boy who loves chicks; I have terrible thoughts run thru my mind @ night. On top of that, I'm pregnant and have a slew of hormones in my body which amplify my emotions and make my decision making skills almost non existant with this.

Its now been 3 days w no communication, which is the longest we've gone. I'm trying to keep up will power to continue, but its hard to cope for me. I've tried several times in the past of starting convos w 'wth is going on w us; are we together or not?!' to which he avoided answering straight up. I again asked him 3 days ago, right before we stopped talking, and his answer was 'I'm here with for you the baby'. I don't know how to take that. I also want to add that I admittidly have been a needy, whiney person to him, which has not helped in not pushing him away. I sent him a text last night mentioning some blood work I had done that I got no reply to. I'm not sure what to do from here as things are serious...there's a baby involved. I'm taking his behavior as his slow exit out, but that's unacceptable to me. He needs to know what an effing coward he is being, but I think it would be useless to mention. I am dying for advice; my friends and mom don't like him too much, so they respond w a happy 'good riddance', so their advice isn't too helpful

I'd love some honest words-thanks guys.

so you got pregnant by someone after only knowing him for 2 months? well that's unlucky and while I don't condone what he is doing I can't say I'm surprised. I'm guessing he is feeling trapped

You're telling me...I never expected this to be a forever thing, and I feel ashamed in my judgement, but I can't go back now.

does your comment about judgement mean you got pregnant on purpose?

Oh Lord no!!! Judgement in terms of who I bring babies into this world w. Things were night and day between then and now; and wouldn't have put myself in the position to even get knocked up if I had any inclination he would've behaved like this.

You're gonna have to start preparing yourself for the possibility that he actually might not be around for the baby. You can't make him be interested, or involved - he has to make that choice on his own. With or without a father, you will have to focus on being the best mom to this child you can possibly be.

Hello all

Obviously, I'm a newbie to this forum, but I'm glad I found it...I've got terrible relationship issues but yet somehow I'm really good @ dishing out good advice to others, so I look forward to giving my 0.02 to anyone.

 

As briefly as I can put it; I'm currently 7 mos preg w a man who I've only been w for 9 months. Needless to say this was a little bit of an oops, but none the less something that we were both initially very excited about. Of course, I am still very excited, be it now very stressed as the clock ticks closer, but him.......not too much. We were so inseperable in the beginning (which led to this whole baby thing), but in the last few months he has bcome more distant literally every day, and more obviously. I'll admit, he's had a job change, a huge decrease in income, and subsequently more of a financial strain, which has altered the time he's had available for me. No longer does he make ANY time for me be it time together or phone time. He frequently picks and chooses which texts to respond to and often takes his time. He no longer makes time for phone conversations. He has in every sense of the words - checked out. On top of it, he's a party boy who loves chicks; I have terrible thoughts run thru my mind @ night. On top of that, I'm pregnant and have a slew of hormones in my body which amplify my emotions and make my decision making skills almost non existant with this.

 

Its now been 3 days w no communication, which is the longest we've gone. I'm trying to keep up will power to continue, but its hard to cope for me. I've tried several times in the past of starting convos w 'wth is going on w us; are we together or not?!' to which he avoided answering straight up. I again asked him 3 days ago, right before we stopped talking, and his answer was 'I'm here with for you the baby'. I don't know how to take that. I also want to add that I admittidly have been a needy, whiney person to him, which has not helped in not pushing him away. I sent him a text last night mentioning some blood work I had done that I got no reply to. I'm not sure what to do from here as things are serious...there's a baby involved. I'm taking his behavior as his slow exit out, but that's unacceptable to me. He needs to know what an effing coward he is being, but I think it would be useless to mention. I am dying for advice; my friends and mom don't like him too much, so they respond w a happy 'good riddance', so their advice isn't too helpful

 

I'd love some honest words-thanks guys.

It sounds like he wants to do the right thing by this child, but that he does not want to be your boyfriend and does not see you being his girlfriend or wife.

I would start emotionally distancing myself immediately if I were you, and I would also get a paternity test to hold him accountable for child support.

Dealing with a pregnancy is a very emotional time and if it's not in ideal circumstances it can be really difficult. He's probably feeling trapped, you're probably feeling misunderstood, unappreciated, potentially abandoned and afraid, on top of feeling swollen and uncomfortable, and your hormones are amplifying all of it.

It does sound like he's doing a slow exit. He wants out, but he's trying not to be the bad guy, and half-assing that.

It's hard, because it's natural for you to want to feel protected and coupled right now, but if I were you I would back away from him for now...he feels every thing you do towards him as pressure. Enfold yourself in your friends and family for support. Don't continue to count on this guy as a supportive boyfriend. While that would be the ideal, it's not an ideal world. Don't have any big confrontations with him right now either, not until your hormonal state settles down, if you can help it. You don't want to lose control and you don't want him to snap and do a runner. Just--try to emotionally distance yourself from the father, and get centered by spending time with family and preparing for your newborn.

Talk to a lawyer and find out what procedures you'll need to go through in your area to file for child support, and what the general guidelines are on custody agreements. Get your ducks in a row, try to be very businesslike and fair and think of everything in terms of what is best for the child. Figure out, if you haven't already, how you will be taking care of the newborn--figure out how you will do it without his help, if need be.

It's hard to imagine right now but when your baby is born it will be much easier to distance yourself from this guy, the baby will take so much of your time/concentration/heart.

This is very unfortunate and I am sorry you have to go through this. You need to prepare for him to not be there for you as it sounds like he is slowly pulling away and checking out of the relationship.

What do you mean it was an oops?

Were you not using birth control? If not, you wanted a baby.

What do you mean it was an oops?

 

Were you not using birth control? If not, you wanted a baby.

Actually we were, but there were incidents where none was used. This pregnancy was not planned, but we both knew the w our behavior it was a possibility - hence why I said "Judgement in terms of who I bring babies into this world w. Things were night and day between then and now; and wouldn't have put myself in the position to even get knocked up if I had any inclination he would've behaved like this."

Sorry to hear what's going on. I can't read his mind so I really don't know what to tell you for sure except what I tell any woman. Be prepared to support yourself. He may be depressed and not handling the changes in his life well and he may be planning to leave, or he may stay and stuff will be great.

What ever happens try to remember two things.

one is that you are the mom and you need to be willing and able to support yourself and the baby without anyone's help.

two is that he is the father and even if he snubs you, pissed you off and runs off, he's still the parent and you can't just cut him outta the baby's life if he leaves you.

Thank you Brainy...I've already started to mentally prepare myself for diong it alone. I already have 2 other children that I support on my own - and for all those judgemental, they're both w a man who I was married to for 8 years, but it didn't work w us - so I know I'm capable of it. I have no intentions of keeping him fromthis baby; I will encourage it as my XH is very much involved w my other 2, but that's if he wants to participate.

The ending of my marriage was the only other time I've had to deal w a serious relationship coming to a close, and I was a basketcase while I was getting over him. IDK that I have the coping skills in dealing w the end of this thing, and in such a cold way...who does that? Who just shuts everything down like that w out being honest? I don't comprehend it, which just makes it harder for me. IDK how to deal w this guy just ignoring me and ending like this.

IDK that I have the coping skills in dealing w the end of this thing, and in such a cold way...who does that? Who just shuts everything down like that w out being honest?

Someone that does not want kids. Its not that hard to figure out.

You also imply that he isnt honest, as if he is lying to you. What has he lied about?

I dont think you are following me what I said earlier. You, were not, on birth control of any kind. Therefore you wanted a baby. If you did not want a baby you would have chosen birth control.

No, I totally understand what you're talking about in terms of birth control...I do side work w pregnant teen girls; believe me, I get what you're saying because I've said it before myself. However, I'm a grown as$ woman, and I just wish I had used better judgement :/

With 'honesty' I mean - I can only assume that these last couple weird and distant months has been a slow fade for him; how damn difficult is it to be truthful to someone you're with? 'Hey, I don't want to be w you for XXX reasons' isn't that difficult.

No, I totally understand what you're talking about in terms of birth control...I do side work w pregnant teen girls; believe me, I get what you're saying because I've said it before myself. However, I'm a grown as$ woman, and I just wish I had used better judgement :/

 

With 'honesty' I mean - I can only assume that these last couple weird and distant months has been a slow fade for him; how damn difficult is it to be truthful to someone you're with? 'Hey, I don't want to be w you for XXX reasons' isn't that difficult.

For some people it is, I think a lot of men especially get really tongue tied around high-stakes emotional issues, and this is about as high-stakes and emotional as they get. He might be really struggling with this himself, wanting to be a provider and father, but feeling depressed, confused. He might just be an immature jackhole. We don't know.

Yes, you should have used better judgement, as you had only been with this guy two months. But he was there too and now here you both are. As has already been advised, all you can do is try to prepare for the baby, and prepare yourself for the very possible eventuality of being a single mom. Good luck.

Thank you Stung - he doesn't reveal the 'true' him too often, so I can't for sure say what he's feeling. I do believe tho that he may feel a lot of pressure and smothering on my end. I think his intentions are good, but the idea of having a baby may be too much right now; and dealing w a demanding pregnant GF may just prove to be too much to handle.

Thank you Stung - he doesn't reveal the 'true' him too often, so I can't for sure say what he's feeling. I do believe tho that he may feel a lot of pressure and smothering on my end. I think his intentions are good, but the idea of having a baby may be too much right now; and dealing w a demanding pregnant GF may just prove to be too much to handle.

My husband had a hard time dealing with me sometimes when I was pregnant and we had been together for years beforehand, we knew each other well and were already committed to each other. A relationship foundation of only two months is just not rich/deep/strong enough to withstand this kind of upheaval, most of the time.

There's a possibility of adding a framework later, yes. And maybe that will happen and be wonderful for all of you. But it's not wise to count on it, at this juncture.

Get an attorney and you'll have a nice child support payment for the next 18 years... don't let him get away with it... they'll garnish his wages and you'll have a nice little extra cash flow... Do it now, b4 he disappears and they can't locate him.

My husband had a hard time dealing with me sometimes when I was pregnant and we had been together for years beforehand, we knew each other well and were already committed to each other. A relationship foundation of only two months is just not rich/deep/strong enough to withstand this kind of upheaval, most of the time.

 

There's a possibility of adding a framework later, yes. And maybe that will happen and be wonderful for all of you. But it's not wise to count on it, at this juncture.

Its never easy to deal w a pregnant woman! I absolutely agree that @ 2 months there's NO foundation strong enough to make it through something like this. There is always the possibility that something more could happen, but I'm definitely not holding my breath or having the expectations for it. As much as it could happen, there's just as much of a chance that it won't, and quite frankly, its not my intention to have this baby with any sparkle of hope that it'll keep him around. Initially tho, he made it very clear to me that no matter what he'd stick around for the baby, but I guess I'll find that out in due course.

Alex-I may sound naive, but I trust him being financially responsible. Should I have the baby and nothing more between us progresses, I will work on child support, but IDK...I do trust him in that dept.

So I actually went against what I thought was the wrong thing to and I texted him to tell me up front what was going on. He replied that we both know it hasn't been working for months; that he still has feelings for me but it won't work w us.

I'm truly hurt. I can't put it in words. I know this should now be in the break up section but I'm in no mood to re-tell my story. I'm glad I know now and I can leave him alone, but I'm soooo hurt by this and its not @ all what I wanted. Even more so because I can't just leave him alone...I'm going to have his baby soon. IDK how I'm going to deal for the now and it will be hard.

sorry to hear things went that way. IM me if you need anything and you don't want to post in public. I've been there a few times.

 

The ending of my marriage was the only other time I've had to deal w a serious relationship coming to a close, and I was a basketcase while I was getting over him. IDK that I have the coping skills in dealing w the end of this thing, and in such a cold way...who does that? Who just shuts everything down like that w out being honest? I don't comprehend it, which just makes it harder for me. IDK how to deal w this guy just ignoring me and ending like this.

Maybe a guy who believes, rightly or wrongly, that his gf deliberately agreed to have sex w/o bc being used because she was hoping to get pregnant and perhaps use the pregnancy to trap him into marriage. (Is that what happened with your first marriage?) It's kind of silly to respond that you were using bc but then "clarify" by saying that you weren't "always" using it. You obviously must have known that you risked getting pregnant if you only used it intermittently.

You yourself characterized the pregnancy as "oops". Yeah big "oops."

You: "Oops I'm pregnant honey what are we going to do about this?"

Him: "What you mean "WE," kimo sabe?"

No, I totally understand what you're talking about in terms of birth control...I do side work w pregnant teen girls; believe me, I get what you're saying because I've said it before myself. However, I'm a grown as$ woman, and I just wish I had used better judgement :/

Actually I have to believe you knew exactly what you were doing. You took a calculated risk. You had unprotected sex with a guy you'd only been really seeing seriously for two months, iow a pretty casual boyfriend. "Oops." The pregnancy served to cement the relationships as you intended. Initially it would have forced the two of you closer together. However the bf began to grow resentful as the realization that you had just committed him to you for 18 years started to sink in.

It was a worthwhile chance for you to take because who knows? Maybe it would have worked; maybe you could have suckered this guy into marrying you or something for the kid's sake (IDK, maybe you still can? Keep trying.)

Then you would have had a nice step dad for your first two kids as well. Good deal for you, no?

But you always knew if things didn't work out that way you can still get CS from this guy, you would get another child out of it, and worst case scenario is you raise three instead of two, get CS from two baby daddies instead of one, and go back out on the hunt for Victim #3.

With 'honesty' I mean - I can only assume that these last couple weird and distant months has been a slow fade for him; how damn difficult is it to be truthful to someone you're with? 'Hey, I don't want to be w you for XXX reasons' isn't that difficult.

Why don't you go first? Be honest about why this whole thing went down this way and what your true intentions were before demanding honesty from the bf. His reasons are rather obvious. You played him and he doesn't like it one little bit. Now he's stuck with CS for 18 years.

Actually I have to believe you knew exactly what you were doing. You took a calculated risk. You had unprotected sex with a guy you'd only been really seeing seriously for two months, iow a pretty casual boyfriend. "Oops." The pregnancy served to cement the relationships as you intended. Initially it would have forced the two of you closer together. However the bf began to grow resentful as the realization that you had just committed him to you for 18 years started to sink in.

 

It was a worthwhile chance for you to take because who knows? Maybe it would have worked; maybe you could have suckered this guy into marrying you or something for the kid's sake (IDK, maybe you still can? Keep trying.)

 

Then you would have had a nice step dad for your first two kids as well. Good deal for you, no?

 

But you always knew if things didn't work out that way you can still get CS from this guy, you would get another child out of it, and worst case scenario is you raise three instead of two, get CS from two baby daddies instead of one, and go back out on the hunt for Victim #3.

 

 

 

 

Why don't you go first? Be honest about why this whole thing went down this way and what your true intentions were before demanding honesty from the bf. His reasons are rather obvious. You played him and he doesn't like it one little bit. Now he's stuck with CS for 18 years.

She may well have played him, but he played too. He's just as much as fault as all the blame that you're laying on her.