I'm a cheater and I'm having a hard time....

First off, I'd like to get it out of the way that I cheated on my spouse. I am not proud of it and having an affair has had far worse consequences on me than I ever imagined. I am messed up mentally from all this, and I reckon it's my punishment for doing what I've done.

While my wife and I have reconciled, it is not easy for either of us, as every day it is a battle with our own emotions and that of what occurred. I have been with her for 17 years total, 14 of which have been married. We have been seeing a counselor but Im not sure it's helping, it's not hurting, but helping is another question.

I am here searching for an answer of some sort, an understanding of the Other Woman, maybe from someone who has gone through something similar and I understand diagnosing someone without speaking to them is difficult at best. I am now 38 and the OW is ten years my junior.

My story begins in 2010 and goes to now. I pick up my daughter every day at school and in the kindergarten year I noticed a woman who while not my "type" I found attractive. Something about her caught my attention, although I never saw her look my way, I would check her out while waiting for the bell to ring and once in a wihle we'd acknowledge each other.

The OW had short jet black hair, purple streak, a pierced lip and her ears were pierced all the way around. She had tattoos on each of her feet and on the back of her neck I noticed her daughters name with a baby foot tattooed at the base. This look was not something I'd go for and yet I couldn't take my eyes off her.

It turned out that our daughter's were best friends in kindergarten and she later told me she was ecstatic about that and invited 'us' to the party solely to see me. You'd have never known it at the party, she said hi to us and introduced us to her husband.

During the beginning of the first grade year (last year), we talked a bit, began setting up play dates for the girls, and texting became more normal. We hung out as couples, met a few times a month, and I couldn't take my eyes off her body as she loved to work out, as do I, and that was something my wife didn't care for. It was during this time and probably about 6 months prior that my wife and seemed to disconnect, moreso on my part than hers, probably all on my part.

Texting increased (we live two minutes apart in the same neighborhood) and we started arriving earlier and earlier at school to pick up our kids and the time was spent talking. I didn't pick up on any flirting but I suck at that anyways.

In March of this year, she texted me and told me she thought I was hot, I told her I felt the same about her and she got excited and suggested we meet for lunch so I told her to come by and we'd grab a bite to eat before we picked up the kids. As we stood in the kitchen, she asked me what I was thinking...I told her I was wondering what it'd be like to kiss her....next thing I know, she's on my lap and we are kissing.

She looked at me and smile and said "let's have fun with this and see where it goes." Great, I thought, I've been married for 14 years, and I've been curious about other women, perfect..... The next statement out of her mouth is "I promise you, I'm not crazy."

So it started up, and everything was wow, it felt right, we would go out on mini dates during the day and I felt like a kid again, we both acknowledged the newness factor and a few weeks in, she told me she was falling for me but that I didn't have to say anything back to her. That opened the flood gates, and I fell hard for her...deeply, or maybe it was infatuation, but I truly enjoyed every moment with her, I felt alive and confident and like I had met my new best friend. I would tell her how beautiful she was and she'd tell me I was crazy, she'd say her husband hadn't called her that in years.

My wife and I had been around them when they fought, he seemed distant to her, almost juvenile in their relationship and maybe a touch verbally abusive. We talked of leaving our spouses all the time but she threw out another warning sign I ignored. She said that while she was in love with me, that we had a connection she had never had with anyone, she still loved her husband and wasn't ready to leave him....not yet. So I stupidly kept on, sneaking around to see her, and her sneaking around to see me.

We would text at night and make store runs to see each other, I work night shift and was getting maybe 2 to 3 hours of sleep a day, the rest of my time was with her. I would check my phone constantly, so much so I'd feel it buzz in my pocket even when it wasn't in my pocket. I couldn't wait to see her, I was addicted.

Three months later, we were busted, my wife found out, and I admitted to being in love with our "friend". My wife was devastated, I saw her pain but closed myself off to it. I felt distraught and mad that I lost my girlfriend but also because I was going to lose my family ...my daughter...who is my world. Yes, I was and am a selfish selfish person.

Now, the other woman's husband doesn't know, my wife chose not to say anything but during that time, we still talked for a bit, we talked about letting things cool down and being more careful and selective on how we meet. Then she texted me saying she couldn't do it anymore, her feelings of guilt were too great, even though she said she wanted an open marriage (when I asked her why she hit on me in the beginning). The same night she told me she couldn't meet me anymore that she was a bad and evil person I was flooded with texts saying she couldnt stop seeing me, she loved me, and needed to see me once more.

Then she would tell me that her husband was trying to do better (men just don't change that easily, this I know), and in the next text she would tell me that she lied, things weren't really much better. She said she had to try and make her marriage work so that she knew if it didn't she had given it her all. She even said that was what the summer was for, for us to work on our relationships. I told her goodbye and a few hours later I was flooded with more texts which I ignored until the next day. She asked if I hated her and I told her I would never hate her.

The yo yo'ing went on for a bit, she was short in her answers to me, biting my head off for trivial issues and when I defended myself she told me that she was done with me. I felt horrible, I had no closure, I wanted to know what I did that was so wrong (aside from the affair). After a couple of weeks of no contact and a bunch of mental anguish I contacted her and she told me she was happy to hear from me and then a few minutes later, bit my head off. This happened a couple of times and then all contact ceased. I was horribly distraught and sought a therapist, both for my own needs and to save my marriage as my wife was/is willing.

The problem is, I have good days and bad days but much of the time I can't stop thinking about her, knowing what I know, seeing what I've seen, even though I know that it was poison the OW affected me more than I thought possible. I realize it may be more the way she ended things is the issue more than anything else. In fact,she once told me that she envisioned seeing me at the school once again and all the emotions she once felt would come "rushing back." I don't know if if she was foreshadowing or just blowing smoke up my butt.

Fast forward to August, we had a bit of contact and she tried to get me to meet her at the store (a place we would meet at quite a bit) and I ignored it. We later spoke briefly on the phone where I was semi cold and she said it was good to hear my voice and she missed it, would play video on her phone sometimes just to hear my voice. When I asked her if she "reconnected" with her husband, she said "honestly, yes." She told me we could still go out together every now and then and have lunch and get coffee and I said "Oh really? You think so do you?"

I didn't believe it and not sure it's true but I guess it doesn't matter because in the same breath she said that she'd never have the connection with him as she did with me. We both went out of town with our families in August, and she initiated some contact, a "good morning" and whatnot and another saying it was beautiful where she was (in Austin) and she didn't want to come back. I responded with a one word answer as my therapist recommended I don't even respond and then several days later, I knew she was supposed to come home so I sent her a text saying "back?" Her response was "stalker, much?"

I went thru the roof! Livid!Hurt! We had a relationship, we spent time together, I confided in her and thought she was a friend and a simple question to see that she made it home safe and I'm a stalker?!?

Just prior to us going out of town, she told me that her husband wants her around me as much as my wife wants me around her as "things came out" and she supposedly admitted to him, after he confronted her, that she was slipping away from him to me. She even told a mutual friend that she stopped talking to us because "things got uncomfortable" between all of us which makes me think that she's lying about her husband realizing she was slipping away from him and probably told him I hit on her and she had to end our friendship, I see no other reason for her to tell him any kind of truth as she is a stay at home mom and would lose it all if he walked out as she has nothing to fall back on.

I know what I did/am doing is wrong but during that time, I was making plans on her and I starting a relationship (yeah my mistake), even though it was built on deception I wanted to try. Now I find myself thinking about her every day. I've tried to make myself hate her but it only lasts for so long and I am in and out of depression, both for feeling as I do about her and for betraying my wife.

When school started up this year, my wife kept telling me that the other woman was going to try and initiate contact, to start it back up, and I bought it. The reality was, on the first few days of school, her husband showed up with her and he's been there for pick up with her more times than he's ever been there during kindergarten and first grade years.

At the school, she acts like I don't exist, has walked by me and not said a word and it's taken everything I have not to say something. Ive been an emotional wreck ever since we stopped the affair, longing for some type of contact. I have moved the pickup point for my daughter to the other side of the school so I don't see her yet it doesn't stop me from wanting to see her.

The mornings are the hardest for me. I don't understand how she can act like she is, having proclaimed to care for me so much, telling me if I was her man she'd spoil me and take care of me, calling me hers, and now Im nothing, not worth a hello or how are you. Picking my daughter up on the other side of the school keeps me semi sane. The OW has exited her vehicle at the same time as me only to walk fast to get in front of me and I felt like it was on purpose. She wore her little white shorts and her purple t shirt that I told her I loved on her as it made her eyes stand out. Being around her at the time, it was all I could do not to break down in tears.

The whole thing sucks, I lost a friend, my wife lost her husband, we lost a couple to do things with, my daughter can no longer see her best friend outside of school and this is all because of my poor choices. I wish she'd never said a word to me about finding me attractive.

And that is where my issues are, what I'm searching for, the big WHY? I realize I was more than likely just a game to her and that pisses me off, but I don't understand why I can't get over her like she seems to have done with me.... how or why can she just act like this..... yeah, it does bother me...

She got another tattoo the night we got found out, she says it was for me, but I don't think it was , it says, "Love the Life you Live, Live the Life you Love." I see it as meaning, have your cake and eat it too.

Every day is a battle and I don't understand why I'm longing for a woman who was never mine and who seems to care so little .... I am longing to understand ....and until I do... I fear I may never be able to move forward.

Thanks for reading, I'm hoping someone out there may have some answers and yes, I know I screwed up.

She's pretty and in good shape. That's why you long for her. It's physical attraction.

You say your wife doesn't work out: is she obese, fat, dumpy, out of shape or a few extra pounds? Compared to your mistress, is your wife not as physically attractive?

I think it simply have to do with you not getting the closure you needed from this. It didn't ended the way you wanted it to or mutually. She basically ended it by calling you a stalker and started ignoring you...which had to hurt, not to mention puzzled you at the same time. Why would someone who seem to care so ginunely about you, do this, right? It's always going to be extremely hard to move on or get over things you do not understand when someone does this, without any explanation as to why.

She's pretty and in good shape. That's why you long for her. It's physical attraction.

 

You say your wife doesn't work out: is she obese, fat, dumpy, out of shape or a few extra pounds? Compared to your mistress, is your wife not as physically attractive?

Prior to and during the affair, my wife did let herself go. She went from around a size 6 to almost a size 14. I told her that I was not attracted to her physically, albeit too late, and now she's obsessed with exercise and 'not' eating. She has gone down to a size 2 and thinks she's fat.

In addition, she would tell me that the affair wasn't over, at least on the OW's end, that she was going to try and recontact me. Her theory is, the OW is on a short leash as her husband, whether she told him or not, saw the chemistry between us and now doesn't trust her, or me of course, and that she is waiting for the leash to be given some slack. Of course this built up some sort of sick hope in my head and I'm trying to reconnect with my wife but I cannot get the OW out of my head.

Before the summer she asked me to make a facebook page so she could communicate with me (I never had one, dont like them) so I made one and as soon as she blew up at me the first time she 'unfriended' me.

Also after being caught she sent my wife texts, apologizing but at the same time telling her she loved me and then telling her what we 'did'. As they were friends on FB the OW would post things to me or about me and my wife isn't dumb and caught on very quick.

I just don't understand the OW, I thought I did, I thought I found someone that I had more in common with...what I found is ......I dont even know anymore. .... someone cold, calculating, manipulative?? I meant nothing to her obviously....

No, not really, when I got into it, I didn't know what I was getting myself into, only that I was thinking of me at the time. I am now trying to cope with my feelings, my wife's feelings and everything else that came along with MY mistake(s). Thanks.

Right. So the origin had a lot to do with physical attraction - and lack of. Of course you had a sparkle with the mistress as you and her were having fun and naughty fun at that. Meanwhile, your wife was fat and unhappy. Now the party is over, people are being a bit crazy - including you. My guess is what you saw in the mistress was a sexy woman with whom you could play around. Things were off at home and you looked elsewhere. That's it.

Decide what you want from life. Your integrity may well be part of that.

i was in a similar situation the major difference being that it wasn't an infidelity situation or anything like that.

but like the OW he came one fast and was intense from the beginning; and in spite of trying to keep my distance, i fell for him. and just as quickly as that, he was the one who started getting distant and defensive.

the situation lasted 2.5 years before it ended. and yes i was left with a lot of questions and wanting closure. but over time i realized that i was never going to get it- - at least not from him.

closure really does come from within. as difficult as it will be - - i would suggest stopping with the speculation as to why she's acting the way she is. you're not going to get any answers.

i also agree with the other poster who suggested you and your wife take a breather. when trust has been betrayed like that it's very difficult to get it back. it sounds like both of you need some space. especially you- - so you can have some time to think and gain some clarity.

what you need to do is figure out what led you to this point. forget about the OW's motivations. she's history. think about yours. not hers.

if you continue to try to make things work with your wife without working on yourself you're only going to make things worse. otherwise, you're bound to make the same poor decision as betterdeal stated, again.

Right. So the origin had a lot to do with physical attraction - and lack of. Of course you had a sparkle with the mistress as you and her were having fun and naughty fun at that. Meanwhile, your wife was fat and unhappy. Now the party is over, people are being a bit crazy - including you. My guess is what you saw in the mistress was a sexy woman with whom you could play around. Things were off at home and you looked elsewhere. That's it.

 

Decide what you want from life. Your integrity may well be part of that.

Yes, I was attracted to her, physically, very much so. However, we can call it ego stroking as well as to what may have pulled me in, but I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with her, so much so that I put off doing necessary things just to spend time with her whether it was going to lunch or hanging out, it was all new and she would say we were " a cute couple" and if we ever had kids together how we'd make a "good looking kid" Blah blah blah, all the things I might wanna hear I guess.

In all honesty, I wasn't "looking", never expected it to happen with anyone, and when she first texted me and told me she thought I was "hot", I thought she was joking around and it was possibly her husband sending it to me. I was relegated to being married as it was...figured that's the way it would be, and according to the OW, she had wanted an open marriage but her H was not into it at all........it was suppposed to be 'fun' (no justification here) until she brought emotion into it as did I and then it just ended up plain ol' destructive, at least on our/my end.

While we struggle daily (and yes, separation or divorce is still very much on the table) she goes on about her daily life, living as though nothing happened, so much so that I no longer exist. It must be nice to live like that. And my integrity is shot to hell based on what I did.

Yeah, I'm not a good person, doesn't mean I'm not human and can't search for answers/reasons, selfish or not, on a personal level, I'd like to know.......need to know? want to know? Answer...yup.

Yeah, I'm not a good person, doesn't mean I'm not human and can't search for answers/reasons, selfish or not, on a personal level, I'd like to know.......need to know? want to know? Answer...yup.

it doesn't mean you can't search for reasons, but the chances you'll get any from her are slim to none. and even if she does give you any answers they're only going to lead to more questions.

you're better off searching within yourself for answers as to how you got to this point. because it doesn't sound like she's going to help you at all.

i was in a similar situation the major difference being that it wasn't an infidelity situation or anything like that.

 

but like the OW he came one fast and was intense from the beginning; and in spite of trying to keep my distance, i fell for him. and just as quickly as that, he was the one who started getting distant and defensive.

 

the situation lasted 2.5 years before it ended. and yes i was left with a lot of questions and wanting closure. but over time i realized that i was never going to get it- - at least not from him.

 

closure really does come from within. as difficult as it will be - - i would suggest stopping with the speculation as to why she's acting the way she is. you're not going to get any answers.

 

i also agree with the other poster who suggested you and your wife take a breather. when trust has been betrayed like that it's very difficult to get it back. it sounds like both of you need some space. especially you- - so you can have some time to think and gain some clarity.

 

what you need to do is figure out what led you to this point. forget about the OW's motivations. she's history. think about yours. not hers.

 

if you continue to try to make things work with your wife without working on yourself you're only going to make things worse. otherwise, you're bound to make the same poor decision as betterdeal stated, again.

And this is what I'm trying to do, even with the therapist, is work on myself, but I also believe that doing that is partly about finding answers so that I can move on. I do, however, realize that I will not receive the answers I want unless someone here has the power to figure the OW out based on experience and from my description.

It is hard right now, the ending is still rather fresh, with last contact being in early August and our daughter's going to the same school. When we were seeing each other, I had a spot in my heart for her daughter as well, I didn't want to be her father but I would have been as good to her as I was with mine. She ran up to me one day and said, "I love you Mr.X, I wish you were my daddy." That broke my heart and it took the OW off guard. The other day after I dropped my daughter off at school, the OWs daughter came out of nowhere and gave me a hug while looking up at me with her big blue eyes and it again broke my heart. I wanted to ask her how her mother was.... but didn't. I'll see the OW on the road as I'm heading to school, and it used to be she'd look over and smile or wave...and now I look over and she's staring straight ahead.

I no longer pick up my daughter in the lobby as she is there, I have moved it to a different part of the school to avoid contact but the last time I was there, as she walked out with her kid, she put her sunglasses on and in doing so, put her left hand up to the side of her face to cover it ...as if to say, I can't see you, you don't see me, you don't exist.

It seems that for every good day I have, the days where I smile and say I'm better off without her, I have three bad days where I wonder 'why' ...

I don't understand it, don't expect many to either. I am trying, but when I say I fell for the OW I mean it. I love my wife, she's a great woman, but I don't know if the 'disconnect' we had can be repaired. She doesn't want to go to therapy while I rush to it...... only time will tell and I am dealing with a whole host of emotions.

it's good that you're in therapy. that's really the first step. i honestly can't give you any reason as to why OW is acting the way she is. maybe she's realizing as you pointed out before that she needs to cut all ties with you or run the risk of losing the financial security she had with her husband.

i know it hurts like hell to be ignored like that. but she's doing what she feels she needs to do - -for herself and her daughter. all you can do is respect that and continue to work on your healing/moving on.

Yeah, I'm not a good person, doesn't mean I'm not human and can't search for answers/reasons, selfish or not, on a personal level, I'd like to know.......need to know? want to know? Answer...yup.

Hmm, I'm not big on the old childlike good person / bad person descriptors. Your integrity is shot because, well, you know why. Without being integral to yourself, you're going to feel bad.

Maybe the answer is not her but the youthful play, the enjoyment, is what you're longing for. She was just a convenient play mate - right time, right place - and you equally to her. It's the mistress, the play thing in the situation, not the person, that mattered. She said cute things - great - nice sentiment. You had a connection - wonderful. Seriously, I mean it.

But it was a moment. That's all. They come and go. When we "fall" for someone we let down all our walls, our artifices and barricades, all the egotistical things that we present to the outside world. It feels naked, and liberating. But it's a bit all-or-nothing. Grown up you or child you. That's where the whole boundaries idea comes in.

As for why it's over, well, because you guys got found out, and when it's over you tend not to continue interacting with one another. Hence she is not contacting you.

The old black and white brigade.

If you cared about that woman's daughter you would've never had an affair with her mother, who is also married. Same for your own family.

 

No need to keep lying.[/quote

 

Such a simple world you live in huh? Thanks for telling me how I was feeling and do feel, you got all the answers at your finger tips eh? It wasn't about anyone but me at the time, doesn't mean I can't care for someone or about someone. Having an affair doesn't mean one is emotionless.

 

I have no need to lie, you apparently have the need to be bitter. Thanks for your contributions.

not sure if you know abt this but there is a forum on here titled "other man/woman" you may find some of the answers you are looking for on there.

Nothing you write sounds like love. Sounds like a mix of attraction, obsession, addiction. Those can be pretty strong, heady feelings with both highs and lows. It is not easy weaning oneself away from an obsession and addiction.

You need to be fully committed to doing so and need to keep filling your time with more positive pursuits. And figure out why you needed to bring this obsession into your life. Maybe you and your wife don't take risks together anymore, don't stretch yourselves. You need to purposely steer your thoughts and fantasies away from OW and your obsession. Who cares what she thinks and feels? She sounds immature and selfish. It really doesn't matter what she feels. Anytime you waste obsessing about that is time you are still stuck in the same addiction/obsessive rut. Even if nothing seems as interesting or exciting now, make yourself think and do things that you know you would otherwise enjoy if you weren't in such a bad state. As you do more of them and manage to turn your thoughts more away from OW, they will become more enjoyable.

Just treat what you are going through like a bad addiction, because that is what it sounds like.

I fully agree, it is an obsession, the high of the excitement I felt when I was with her. I'm glad I'm not addicted to narcotics as if it was as bad as this, I'd surely be in far more trouble.

I've never really had an addiction and don't know how to treat it...it is inevitable that I/we will run into her at the school at some point. I tried to be playful with my wife in public a few days ago, she told me that she thought I was trying to make her into the OW when that wasn't even in my mind.

In addition, even though it has stopped, up until recently my wife would drill it into my head that the OW was going to try and re-establish the connection as she is just waiting for an opportunity. Despite me telling her that she was done with me and I with her, she was adamant the OW was simply biding her time so that affected my mind as well.

I fight this every day, it's difficult as I work nights and my wife works days so I have alot of idle time in which my mind plays 'what ifs' or fantasies.

Thank you for your response.

I fully agree, it is an obsession, the high of the excitement I felt when I was with her. I'm glad I'm not addicted to narcotics as if it was as bad as this, I'd surely be in far more trouble.

 

I've never really had an addiction and don't know how to treat it...it is inevitable that I/we will run into her at the school at some point. I tried to be playful with my wife in public a few days ago, she told me that she thought I was trying to make her into the OW when that wasn't even in my mind.

 

In addition, even though it has stopped, up until recently my wife would drill it into my head that the OW was going to try and re-establish the connection as she is just waiting for an opportunity. Despite me telling her that she was done with me and I with her, she was adamant the OW was simply biding her time so that affected my mind as well.

 

I fight this every day, it's difficult as I work nights and my wife works days so I have alot of idle time in which my mind plays 'what ifs' or fantasies.

 

Thank you for your response.

Sounds like that might be a real fear of your wife's - that OW will make a move and you will respond. I'd treat it as coming from your wife's feelings and fears and worries, and not that your wife has particular insight into OW.

Yes, having a lot of idle time is an absolute killer if you are trying to get over an obsession/addiction. Try to think of some strategy to deal with that, getting into another hobby, more reading, more gym time, work to widen your circle of friends, etc. Maybe your wife can help - if there is something that benefits her too (home renovation or something) so much the better.

If you are currently spending 4 hours a day thinking of OW, resolve to have that be 3 hours this week, 2 the next, etc. Give yourself that time and anything outside that time - be brutal at cutting yourself off and forcing yourself to concentrate on some other activity. Just take a concerted, focussed approach and figure out something that works for you. You will NOT be happy until you manage to let go of this obsession.

Wo,

Thank you for your responses. What scares me the most is that my wife called ALOT of things about the OW and she was spot on. It seemed since they were friends for a while, she had her pegged. As the days pass by, I think the chance of reigniting any sort of contact grow slimmer and slimmer, and as I tell my wife, if she truly wanted contact she would have done it by now and not treated me as I don't exist. I can tell my wife still believes she is acting that way so the next time she makes contact it will be exciting and new all over again (her words not mine) and that this is just a cooling off period for her and that when her marriage goes south again, she's coming back.

You can ask a hundred people and get a hundred different answers and I've been told the OW is psycho, has a personality disorder, is a 17 year old mentally, is a master manipulator and so on and so forth. Who knows and I have to get my mind right.... there's no doubt about that.

Hi Rick

Quite the situation you got yourself into, the withdraw and all the psychological effects can be grueling, painful, I don't know how many times I found myself crying in the aftermath not something I do readily that's for sure.

Someone recommended you post on the OW/OM board, I'd agree for this type of post you'll find more people who have experience in this particular area but also realize you'll probably get ripped on a bit also. Thing is coping post-A is not exactly like coping after a break-up, I suggest you wander over to that forum and start reading as much as possible.

Your wife may not be too far from wrong, I don't say that to give you hope as I think you should do the right thing in regards to everyone involved. I find it easier when I think about xmw's kids and that always gives me strength to keep myself on the right path, not saying I haven't slipped a few times but it helps big time. Thing is the A dynamic creates a lot of BIG issues around closure and due to how things need to be shut-down, etc... it often creates even more bad behavior between the APs... it's not uncommon for once the dust settles for APs to try to reconnect or maintain some form of contact, etc...

Best thing to do is to treat this like an addiction and try to stay away from the source as much as possible. That's not always easy but it'll help a ton. The second is to realize that you don't 'get over' an addiction truly, you remain many times susceptible to relapse and only time will weaken the bond you created and reduce the addictive beckoning. I've been many times 'over it' only to find that Limited Contact (LC) re-triggers things and I'm back quite quickly to where I started. Avoidance is the best tactic.

It's going to hurt, but that will fade in time and it will take some time.

Hi Rick

 

Quite the situation you got yourself into, the withdraw and all the psychological effects can be grueling, painful, I don't know how many times I found myself crying in the aftermath not something I do readily that's for sure.

 

Someone recommended you post on the OW/OM board, I'd agree for this type of post you'll find more people who have experience in this particular area but also realize you'll probably get ripped on a bit also. Thing is coping post-A is not exactly like coping after a break-up, I suggest you wander over to that forum and start reading as much as possible.

 

Your wife may not be too far from wrong, I don't say that to give you hope as I think you should do the right thing in regards to everyone involved. I find it easier when I think about xmw's kids and that always gives me strength to keep myself on the right path, not saying I haven't slipped a few times but it helps big time. Thing is the A dynamic creates a lot of BIG issues around closure and due to how things need to be shut-down, etc... it often creates even more bad behavior between the APs... it's not uncommon for once the dust settles for APs to try to reconnect or maintain some form of contact, etc...

 

Best thing to do is to treat this like an addiction and try to stay away from the source as much as possible. That's not always easy but it'll help a ton. The second is to realize that you don't 'get over' an addiction truly, you remain many times susceptible to relapse and only time will weaken the bond you created and reduce the addictive beckoning. I've been many times 'over it' only to find that Limited Contact (LC) re-triggers things and I'm back quite quickly to where I started. Avoidance is the best tactic.

 

It's going to hurt, but that will fade in time and it will take some time.

Circular,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I asked the powers that be on the board to move this thread to the OM/OW forum, it hasnt' happened yet so I don't know whether to copy and paste or to put a link in a new thread.

As far as the OW contacting me, there was a time I wanted it so badly, not that it's been a long time since we spoke or texted, but I just can't see it happening with the way she treated me. How would you justify to someone, after calling them a stalker, telling them you've reconnected, and treated them like they weren't there when you've been in the same vicinity, all of a sudden coming back? Maybe I'm being naive, but I'd think if someone truly had the feelings they said they did, they'd find a way to tell you rather quickly that they miss you or something to that effect.

I value all the opinions on here and know I still have a lot of soul searching to do. I even contacted my therapist/marriage counselor after two weeks of staying away from him as I realize I can't do this alone. There is a part of me that wants her to try and talk to me so I can put my hand up and walk away from her...maybe that will give me the control that I don't think I ever had in the affair. Then there is the part of me that worries that I will be weak and give in, BUT, I have not given in and contacted her. I have not gone to the side of the school where she picks up her daughter, Ive done good so far ...for me....

The worst part is, my wife blames herself, we got into a fight tonight as I told her she is blaming everyone, including herself, except me.

Thing is, when I take a step back and look at some of the things the OW did, I realize some of it was sick and it bothers me, but it doesn't seem to be enough for me to say F it and move on. There's a part of me that wants her husband to know what she did, but at the same time, does her child deserve to see them end as I know he'd walk out on her (or maybe he wouldn't). Sadly, I am probably thinking far more about her than she is about me and even more sadly, my wife thinks about her way too much as well.

Circular,

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I asked the powers that be on the board to move this thread to the OM/OW forum, it hasnt' happened yet so I don't know whether to copy and paste or to put a link in a new thread.

 

As far as the OW contacting me, there was a time I wanted it so badly, not that it's been a long time since we spoke or texted, but I just can't see it happening with the way she treated me. How would you justify to someone, after calling them a stalker, telling them you've reconnected, and treated them like they weren't there when you've been in the same vicinity, all of a sudden coming back? Maybe I'm being naive, but I'd think if someone truly had the feelings they said they did, they'd find a way to tell you rather quickly that they miss you or something to that effect.

 

I value all the opinions on here and know I still have a lot of soul searching to do. I even contacted my therapist/marriage counselor after two weeks of staying away from him as I realize I can't do this alone. There is a part of me that wants her to try and talk to me so I can put my hand up and walk away from her...maybe that will give me the control that I don't think I ever had in the affair. Then there is the part of me that worries that I will be weak and give in, BUT, I have not given in and contacted her. I have not gone to the side of the school where she picks up her daughter, Ive done good so far ...for me....

 

The worst part is, my wife blames herself, we got into a fight tonight as I told her she is blaming everyone, including herself, except me.

 

Thing is, when I take a step back and look at some of the things the OW did, I realize some of it was sick and it bothers me, but it doesn't seem to be enough for me to say F it and move on. There's a part of me that wants her husband to know what she did, but at the same time, does her child deserve to see them end as I know he'd walk out on her (or maybe he wouldn't). Sadly, I am probably thinking far more about her than she is about me and even more sadly, my wife thinks about her way too much as well.

You can always post there and then paste a link to the original story, nobody would have a problem with that as far as I a aware.

Oh, I have no doubt your xMW is suffering in her own way but that's the point 'in her own way'. Everyone handles grief differently but nobody avoids grief. Some people stow it away to deal with it later, some deal with it in the moment, but how people exactly show grief is up to the players. You'll find most people prefer to hide their grief from the person that directly is causing it to begin with. They'll act cold, dismissive, look at you with contempt, and above all try to show no emotion whatsoever.

You should read up on the stages of grief; denial, bargaining, anger, depresssion and acceptance. You will move through these as you progress. I'm guessing you're in the bargaining phase a lot right now, trying to figure out if there is a way to maybe kinda sorta possibly make something work even though you'd like to turn your back on her (anger).

Thing is give yourself some time to grieve and while you're at it work on reconnecting with your W and figuring out what led you to where you wound up. It's not always simple but it's worth the journey.

You can always post there and then paste a link to the original story, nobody would have a problem with that as far as I a aware.

 

Oh, I have no doubt your xMW is suffering in her own way but that's the point 'in her own way'. Everyone handles grief differently but nobody avoids grief. Some people stow it away to deal with it later, some deal with it in the moment, but how people exactly show grief is up to the players. You'll find most people prefer to hide their grief from the person that directly is causing it to begin with. They'll act cold, dismissive, look at you with contempt, and above all try to show no emotion whatsoever.

 

You should read up on the stages of grief; denial, bargaining, anger, depresssion and acceptance. You will move through these as you progress. I'm guessing you're in the bargaining phase a lot right now, trying to figure out if there is a way to maybe kinda sorta possibly make something work even though you'd like to turn your back on her (anger).

 

Thing is give yourself some time to grieve and while you're at it work on reconnecting with your W and figuring out what led you to where you wound up. It's not always simple but it's worth the journey.

I keep referring to her as the OW, I mean xMW, my bad.

I should mention, the last time we actually spoke on the phone, I told her I wasn't doing well since she just cut me off with no contact and she said "I thought I was helping you." When I told her that it wasn't helping me at all, she apologized and we spoke for a bit. That's when she started asking me questions about my marriage, 'is your wife wearing her rings?' 'have you reconnected' 'telling me she reconnected with her husband and so on, and then we move to being called a stalker a week later.

I still don't understand it, her, or any of this. I would rather treat someone civilly, regardless of the circumstances, than someone with a cold/ or no heart. I guess I'm relegated to never understanding and I won't deny it, like I said, there is a part of me that hopes for some sort of contact, be it to get revenge or to just talk....but I'm working on getting rid of that hope too.

I simply think your wife let you 2 off the hook too easily..as you still have contact with the OW. By not letting the world know..or letting this other womans husband know...your wife is not dealing with this in the most serious way. I would love to see what this "psycho" looking husband looks like...and how he would react to her having an affair with you.

As long as you still have contact with this OW...you'll never give your wife any reason to trust you. Why she wouldnt expose this is beyond me. Do your wife...daughter and yourself a favour and get with reality,,because if your wife finds out again that your still in contact with this girl...there won't be time to even think of closure at that point.

Sorry but your they typical...selfish selfish selfish guy you were during the affair still. And this only lasted 3 months???? Am I missing something here?

Holy ****, there was a post about this same thing in the breakup forum this morning. Its titled " I am being abused by a ex-girlfriend"

My question is, what are you looking for RickFox?