Talking, but she's "kinda sorta seeing someone"

Hey everyone,

A couple of weeks ago I took a plunge and decided to message a girl I found on Instagram who's friends with my best friend's fiancee. I thought she was ultra cute, seemed to have some similar interests, and I wanted to get to know her. I have never met her and had never messaged a random girl on social media before so I wasn't expecting a response

So I messaged her saying she seems pretty cool and that I'd like to get to know her better and surprisingly, she replied. We spoke for several days and on Valentine's day, I asked her to join me for a coffee date sometime during that upcoming weekend. She replied "perhaps sometime, but I'm kinda sorta seeing someone right now and seeing where it goes and I don't like to mess around when I'm dating someone." I said I've gotta respect that and don't want to step on anyone's toes, but to let me know if anything changes and she'd like to go.

I figured that would be the end of our conversations unless something changed, but later that evening she resumed the general conversation.

It's now been almost 3 weeks since we started talking. We talk about pretty much anything and the conversation is fun and simple. She seems like someone I'd really like to get to know, but what's my next step?

Am I just burying myself in the friendzone? Should I just keep doing what I'm doing, wait it out and hope she eventually says something? Should I ask about just meeting up to hang out without it being a date so we can see what it's like if we meet up in person? Should I tell her how talking to her every day is just making me want to meet her more? Ugh.

I haven't asked for her number. All of our conversation has been through there. One of my friends suggested that she probably isn't seeing anyone and was saying that because I was just some random guy she doesn't know and she wanted to take some time to make sure I wasn't a creep. He's probably wrong on that, but like... isn't it kind of weird that she keeps a conversation going with a guy who messaged her to try asking her on a date if she doesn't want to or is actually seeing another guy?

Thanks in advance!

She's made her situation clear.

She also likes the attention, so is keeping you close enough to keep you interested, but far away enough to actually never progress anywhere. She knows she can keep you orbiting around her.

What you need to do is stop always being 'there'. Carry on with life. Meet other girls. Stop all these convos as it's clear you want more. She doesn't right now.

If things end with the other guy and she reaches out to you, great. If she doesn't then you stopped wasting your time on her.

In a few months drop a 'Hey hows it going? So you married yet?' or similar to get a smile and find out her situation.

In the mean time, as I mentioned, carry on with life!

What are you getting out of this relationship with her? After 3 weeks of talking you're already in the friend zone. The answer is to tell her the same thing you did the first time -

"Hey, I think you're great and I'd love to take you out on a date to get to know you better, but I understand you're in a relationship right now and can't do that. So, let me know if that changes in the future and maybe we can revisit this if I'm still single. Good luck."

Pull the same stunt she did. Tell her you’ve started seeing a girl and this girl is the jealous type so you’re probably going to have to back off on the text messages, at least for a while until you see where things go with the new girl.

Then see how she responds.

I doubt she’s seeing someone she’s probably living with him or a bf because if she was just seeing she would probably go out....

I’d ghost her and see what she does

Most girls who are “seeing” someone usally don’t even disclose that until after a date or something because then they have an idea of what’s going on

Here’s what I normally do and it works about 75% of the time but it usally goes into a fwb situation

Me: hey let’s go get a drink I know the place

Her: well I’m seeing someone

Me: oh that’s great I’m glad it’s not serious

Me: what time are you going to be ready so I can get my car washed?

But thats all assuming the conversations good and all

Isn't it kind of weird that she keeps a conversation going with a guy who messaged her to try asking her on a date if she doesn't want to or is actually seeing another guy?

Not if she's keeping you around as Plan B. If Plan A works out, you likely won't hear from her that much anymore.

I doubt she is lying about seeing someone. My guess is that she is indeed dating someone, but isn't sure where it's going so she's not yet ruling you out completely.

I would ease off on all the chatting unless and until she is available to make a plan to meet you in person sometime. Otherwise, you're just filling her time when her first guy is busy.

It's now been almost 3 weeks since we started talking. We talk about pretty much anything and the conversation is fun and simple. She seems like someone I'd really like to get to know, but what's my next step?

I feel like you're already firmly in the friendzone at this point. If you can get comfortable being just friends, then pursue the situation as such. I think that if you can't date someone, being their friend is still better than not knowing them. But that's only if you can keep your feelings in check, which you have to decide for yourself whether you can do that.

eek, sorry I totally forgot to get back on here. Been busy moving into a new apartment

Anyway, update for anyone who's curious or has anything further to contribute, we've still be talking every day. A lot, and the conversation is consistently fun and I think she's been opening up. We've set a date to meet up, but she did say let's not call it a date at this point to "keep things casual and feel no pressure"

So yeah, we're meeting up, not what we'll do yet since I guess I don't wanna give off a date vibe even though she knows I wanna date her. 1 step at a time, I guess. I don't mind going slowly one bit - I actually prefer it. I know I'm probably heading straight for the friend zone in this, but we'll see.

If she's kinda sorta seeing somebody else but is agreeing to meet up with you yet refusing to call that meeting a date one of two things is going on:

1. She's using you as an ego boost

2. She has very little integrity because she's sneaking around behind the back of the other guy. Remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

If she's kinda sorta seeing somebody else but is agreeing to meet up with you yet refusing to call that meeting a date one of two things is going on:

 

1. She's using you as an ego boost

 

2. She has very little integrity because she's sneaking around behind the back of the other guy. Remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

Both are entirely possible. Part of me wants to believe what my friend suggested - that she said she was seeing someone because I came on too strong in asking her out after just a few days of talking on instagram and not even knowing eachother. I'm probably just being naive and hopeful lol.

I was thinking of asking when we meet up what the situation is with that... like if this other guy really is seeing her, asking if they're still seeing eachother.

Both are entirely possible. Part of me wants to believe what my friend suggested - that she said she was seeing someone because I came on too strong in asking her out after just a few days of talking on instagram and not even knowing eachother. I'm probably just being naive and hopeful lol.

 

I was thinking of asking when we meet up what the situation is with that... like if this other guy really is seeing her, asking if they're still seeing eachother.

You've already messed up and haven't set appropriate boundaries. If you would have sent the message I first recommended, it would have forced her hand to either come clean that she's no longer seeing somebody, or to discontinue contacting you if she was.

Instead, you have shown her you have no problem going out with a gal who is presumably dating somebody else, and you have also put yourself in the incredibly weak position of going out with a woman under the pretense that it's not a date. I don't honestly understand what your approach is here, but it is godawful in my opinion.

Don't orbit.

She's not interested in you romantically and her relationship with the "kinda sorta" guy may work out into "definitely", so don't waste your time thinking you can machine interest by faking her out in the friendzone. It won't work. If she wanted to be with you, she'd make the crystal clear.

IMO she's very interested....but is being cautious. She does want it to turn into a date, don't kid yourself....she only said that to make sure you didn't have expectations of anything going anywhere. Charm the pants of her. You already have her emotionally.

You're already friend-zoned. But you're "freshly" friend zoned which isn't as bad as it is after cement hardens. None-the-less, she is seeing somebody, so drop it,...don't be an "Orbiter", or the guy that lingers around another guy's girlfriend hoping he'll "get a chance". I'll add some comments below and make a few points you can do better with the next one.

I asked her to join me for a coffee date sometime during that upcoming weekend.

Kudos for asking her, but you did it in a weak way,...in two ways. Let me explain:

1."Coffee Dates" are Friend Zone Dates. They present you as a "buddy" rather than presenting you as a "romantic prospect". All dates need to be more at night and in a context that is clearly romantic. If they don't think of you as a romantic prospect right from the start then you are always clawing your way up hill from that point. Coffee Dates also imply that you weren't gutsy for something more risky,...you were fearful. Trust me, they smell your fear like a porta-potty at a drunken carnival.

2. You weren't specific on the day/time/place. That makes you look scared and unsure of yourself. It is always best to be specific. Don't worry if they can't make the day/time/place you suggested,...if they really want to spend time with you they will give you a counter offer or indicate in some way that they want you to try again later.

She replied "perhaps sometime, but I'm kinda sorta seeing someone right now and seeing where it goes and I don't like to mess around when I'm dating someone."

See said she was seeing someone without you even asking that question. She is not kinda-sorta seeing someone,...she is flat out seeing someone. She was just trying to be respectful and gentle with you. Respect the fact that she was concerned about your feelings.

I said I've gotta respect that and don't want to step on anyone's toes, but to let me know if anything changes and she'd like to go.

Good response. But now live congruently with that response and don't chase her around, look for ways to be near her, or keep chatting with her on the phone/text or social media. She'll spot you in a heartbeat as an "orbiter" trying to linger around for a "chance" later.

I figured that would be the end of our conversations unless something changed, but later that evening she resumed the general conversation.

 

It's now been almost 3 weeks since we started talking. We talk about pretty much anything and the conversation is fun and simple. She seems like someone I'd really like to get to know,

 

Am I just burying myself in the friendzone?

Welcome to the Friend Zone!!! The chit-chat will evaporate as soon as she figures out you are just trying to "hang on" in hopes of getting a chance with her later. Then she will ghost you.

Should I just keep doing what I'm doing, wait it out and hope she eventually says something? Should I ask about just meeting up to hang out without it being a date so we can see what it's like if we meet up in person? Should I tell her how talking to her every day is just making me want to meet her more? Ugh.

1. No
   
2. No
   
3. And absolutely not
   

I haven't asked for her number.

...and you won't.

Some of that I'm sure you didn't want to hear. But you need to hear it. You need to change your mindset. You are approaching this from a scarcity mindset (thinking girls are hard to find) and without the confidence that women "should" want to be with you because you're worth it. This is exactly where I was when I was younger. I know all the tricks because I used to do them,...until I finally got my act together.

You get past some of that by practice. The only way to get practice is to go on a lot of "simple" dates without being "outcome focused" and worrying if you are going to "get the girl" or not. Just follow the principles I mentioned above. You never know, you might even actually find one you really like along the way.

IMO she's very interested....but is being cautious. She does want it to turn into a date, don't kid yourself....she only said that to make sure you didn't have expectations of anything going anywhere. Charm the pants of her. You already have her emotionally.

Thanks for your reply! Part of me really thinks this is the case.

My best friend's fiancee said that back in high school, this girl definitely didn't seem to be the kind of girl who'd be willing to meet up with some random guy from the internet. This girl has told me she's blocked plenty of creeps who have messaged her, but she didn't block me after I asked her out pretty much right away without knowing her. She tells me some details about her day and funny or crappy things that have happened in her day and asks about mine. She's opened up to me about some crappy things that have happened in her lifetime. I think that's all progress!

Lots of good info that I did read and appreciate.

Thanks for your detailed reply! Idk, establishing some sort of friendship (or at least getting to know eachother before actually dating) has led to better relationships in my life than the ones where I met a girl and immediately started dating. I feel that's rare these days and that most girls want a guy who sees them and automatically goes into "I must date you and will accept no less" mode, but maybe she also prefers to get to know someone before dating. I mean, we've never met and I'm nothing but some random guy who messaged her on social media lol. The most gorgeous girl in the world could message me on social media and ask for a date and I'd be like umm... let's talk and get to know eachother a bit first. I'm not afraid of dating her, I don't feel like I'm portraying that I am, and I'm pumped to meet her, even if it's not officially a date, to see how we get along in person.

And I did end up getting her phone number a couple of weeks ago, I forgot to mention. She was having wifi issues at home so I sent her my # and she texted me and we've been texting since then instead of through instagram.

Not getting my hopes up too much, but still being optimistic that maybe slow and steady will win the race.

...now just waiting for the text saying "I can't meet up, the guy I've been seeing isn't cool with the idea." LOL

Pull the same stunt she did. Tell her you’ve started seeing a girl and this girl is the jealous type so you’re probably going to have to back off on the text messages, at least for a while until you see where things go with the new girl.

 

Then see how she responds.

This guy gets it

If you think the so called guy she's "seeing" is fictitious, have a drink with her but do get the truth out of her.