Does separation work?

I have been posting my situation in :wife says she is lost", and I was just wondering if a separation does work. I really feel like I am the one that is going to be played the fool in all of this. By that I mean, I am the one waiting for her to come back to me. Everyone that knows are story tells me that she will walk all over me if I just let her leave, and take her time for the 6 months that she wants. I want to give her the "space" she need, but i also don;t feel that it is fair for me to wait for her to decide if her job or our marriage is more important.

She says that she needs the 6 months, and she feels that she will come back to me. but how do I really know; the joke will be on me if she does not!

she actually told me (after my persistance on puttin a percentage on her coming back to me) that the percentage was 70 -30 that she would come back!

Am I really being a fool by waiting for her?

thanks all!

Mine worked.. I'm divorced

I think there is no hard and fast answer to that question..

Every situation is different and the outcome can be affected by something that has emotions involved.

I'm of the thought that a separation is nothing more than a way for 2 people to divorce and not kill one another.

I do know that people reunite after a separation.. so I'm not saying it won't work..

I think you need to follow her actions while going thru the separation

Ie: if she starts dating lots of guys right away.. it most likely will not work.. but if she doesn't date anyone and works on rebuilding the marriage then you might have a shot..

Hope I helped..

she says she just needs some time on her own to be "independent"?! But when I ask her what that means she says she just needs time to manage her life on her own. I ask her if she will consider herself married during that time and she says yes. and she says she is not doing this to find someone else or date anybody, it is just for her. it still does not make sense to me, and I am really confused about all of this.

aS I said she says she will come down and visit me and I will go up and visit her 1-2 times per month. and we were also going to keep the same bank account during all of this.

... I was just wondering if a separation does work.

It depends on the type of separation & the couple.

Reading the other thread, I assume that what you have in mind is a trial separation. Unfortunately, I also sense that your wife has other motives, but that is another issue.

The purpose of a trial separation is to provide sufficient emotional space for one or both of the partners to resolve his/her personal issues that are causing the relationship problems. Often, the personal & relationship problems have gotten so entangled that they are inpossible to distinguish. The ultimate objective is to heal the rifts & strengthen the relationship.

For a separation to be successful, both have to be commited to saving the relationship, & making the requisite personal changes. It does need to be controlled, with quality time together essential to avoid losing the coupleness.

Unfortunately, for some, it is merely a means of attempting to exit the relationship, & for whatever reason he or she simply cannot make a clean break by being honest & above-board with the other person. I hope this is not the case here.

_________________________________________

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you limes, make margaritas.

she says she just needs some time on her own to be "independent"?! But when I ask her what that means she says she just needs time to manage her life on her own. I ask her if she will consider herself married during that time and she says yes. and she says she is not doing this to find someone else or date anybody, it is just for her. it still does not make sense to me, and I am really confused about all of this.

 

aS I said she says she will come down and visit me and I will go up and visit her 1-2 times per month. and we were also going to keep the same bank account during all of this.

This post came through while I was writing my previous one.

So it appears her motives are consistent with the spirit of a trial separation. I would advise, however, that you both agree to controls.

There are a number of good books with some very useful information for this. In Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Drs Bruce Fischer & Robt Alberti, there is a section called "Healing Separation," which includes a sample separation agreement. An excerpt is at this link:

http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/disorders/separation.html

You should defintely have something like this in writing, to be sure that there are no misunderstandings with your expectations of each other.

One other thing, I strongly recommend that you start couples conseling, if you have not already done so. Not only to help work through your individual issues, but the counselor also can provide control, acting as a referee of sorts. Doing so will greatly improve the chances of reuniting again.

Thank you very much for the link.

I sent a link to my wife of this and she is all excited and saying this is what we need. I am still not sure. She has nothing to lose in this, as it is her coice, and I have everything to lose. I want to make a monetary stipulation with this :healing separation" if I decide to do it. Do you think it is possible? That way she is putting something on the line if she decides not to come back.

Also, is it worth buying the book for this one section? Does it go into much detail on the healing separation?

Thanks again, I truly appreciate it.

From what I heard, most separations lead to divorce.

Thank you very much for the link.

 

I sent a link to my wife of this and she is all excited and saying this is what we need. I am still not sure. She has nothing to lose in this, as it is her coice, and I have everything to lose. I want to make a monetary stipulation with this :healing separation" if I decide to do it. Do you think it is possible? That way she is putting something on the line if she decides not to come back.

 

Also, is it worth buying the book for this one section? Does it go into much detail on the healing separation?

 

Thanks again, I truly appreciate it.

You're welcome. I hope it proves helpful.

My advice about monetary or other stipulations is that you discuss them in the presence of the counselor. My original point was that you should have a written agreement, so that you have a clear understanding of your expectations for each other - time length of separation, whether the time can be extended, quality time together, professional counseling, finances, child care, etc.

These are all important issues. Achieving the obective of a separation (that is, repairing, strengthening, & restoring the marital relationship) could be impaired by unresolved disputes that escalate into arguments. The specific stipuations are what you both agree to, & would make a good communications exercise.

The theme of the book is getting past the pain of a divorce, & most of the text is devoted to this subject. The healing separation subject matter is in 2 of the appendices, one discussing the concept & the other with a sample separation agreement.

The book is probably available at your public library, if you do not wish to purchase it. Look for the latest edition.

_______________________________________________

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you limes, make margaritas.

Mine worked.. I'm divorced

 

Ha ha ha.

capt-

i've posted to you before we are so in the same boat its ridiculous...

wife needs space...isnt "in love"..the worst she says she feels "nothing"..we are trapped ...obviously there's lots more, but what my wife is feeling is same as yours. i keep finding that in my heart i don't beleive her that she just wants to have space..however, she keeps saying things about things that arent going on until next yr(???!!!) that indicate she expects to work things out..

we dont have a counselor or therapist, and i have everyone of the books variousl posters have recommended and she wont look at them>she says i read too many books..anyway..dont want to tromp on your thread--i have my own tale of woe!!

but if it helps you to know there are others in the same boat and for what its worth it is just as confusing to me --there is no set outcome and i bet there are lots of separations that work out great...i'm guessing there is some self-selection on these boards-ie - when things work out people are LESS LIKELY TO POST!!!

i really really wish you (And your wife!) the best outcome

BTW- Art critic...LOL....

In my case we are separating because we are getting a divorce.

i too have a wife asking for space(took her space by moving out),not knowing what she wants, loves me but not in love with me and theres an x in her head too,from what i have been reading this last week some seperations work and some dont, YOU cannot do anything, it will be her choice. i my case this last week has been hell but enlightening as i have begun steps to live my life for me first marriage second,both of you need help, work on yourself, talk to friends, keep posting good luck, dennis

my soap opera http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t75470/

thanks trickynj99!

Are scenarios really do sound the same. My wife also mentions things that are going to happen next year, like she knows it will work out , but she just needs some time apart. This doesn;t make any sense to me!?

We just switched counselors and went to our first session with the new one today. This one is much better thatn the first. The firt one was saying that prayer was the answer and that seemed to be it. Hey, that is great if you believe, but my wife nor I do, so it made it kind of tough.

Lat Friday we had a real heart to heart talk and at the end of it, she broke down into an anxiety attack when I kept asking her why she was doing this adn she could not say why. just that she did not know. I said that wasn't enough- that you don;t break up a marriage when you are not sure. Well at the end she finally said she wanted to try to work things out and we set some goals and things for each of us to do. So far so good.

Today she told me during our counseling session that her job may not move but she may be able to stay at home and have to travel up to the other city 3-4 day s per week. I have to say that is not much better than her leaving all together. She is still runnig to her job and avoiding the issue of trying to fix her marriage.

I do have to say about reading the books - my wife says the smae thing to me - You read too much!! adn of course she never reads any of them. she even bougt a book for herself when this whole thing started and has only read 1 page. Oh well.

Best of Luck to you.

capt..

keep posting...its like a journal and you lay stuff out there and its kinda like a free therapy session for me anyway..

we are now really into XMAS and the kids are excited and last nite we watched rudolph on tv and one level it was all very nice..

you said something in your last post that is sticking withme and helping..

that was ...

"that you don;t break up a marriage when you are not sure"

this is our current trap...we are both nice decent people and except for a couple knockdown drag out fights, we are very respectful and helpful to each other...for me that's almost enough for her it apparently isnt..

lately tho i have been feeling more and more bitter because i am looking hard at myself and thinking i deserve somebody who really cares about the US and the ME...my wife has always cared most about how the world views her ..its a subtle point, she's not selfish, she's actually very generous, but i'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what she gives me(she's very attractive for one) and what she has done for the US part of our marriage..

so as i think about our upcoming separation i almost can't wait because i'm interested to see whether her eyes open up to the reality of what our marriage (ie she is in control, her husband let that happen because he was trying to appease her, he's hanging on by a thread)...i also want to test my own feelings of how i will handle a changed relationship with my kids..i am very afraid of this but i feel i need to know..

i wish i could communicate all this is a loving way to wife, i have tried she is simply 0% receptive to almost anything i say so i have given up..

good luck to you guys too

capt -

Good luck to you. Although you are going through hell, I agree with Scott - assuming she is being honest with you, it doesn't sound like your wife is trying to exit. I hope for the best for you.

...i also want to test my own feelings of how i will handle a changed relationship with my kids..i am very afraid of this but i feel i need to know..

tricky - how old are your kids? Mine are 6 and 8, and although I know this is going to be hard for them, I can tell you that my bond with them, my love for them, and my pure joy at the privilege of being their father has not diminished, but if anything has grown stronger (or I just appreciate and feel it more in my more emotional state these days.) Having said that, I am very careful not to use them as an emotional crutch ("come give me a hug, Daddy's feeling sad...") - they don't deserve that burden.

Not knowing what your relationship was like with them before, it's hard to say, and who knows what the future will hold, but my gosh, I just feel so powerfully connected with them now, in a very positive way.

Trimmer

Your note was very nice to read..my kids are 11 and 9 both girls...i am very connected to them now..i wake them up in the morning and put them to bed at nite..more than anything if we split up i will miss this

i also will not demonize my wife altho it will be rough i have very high hopes that our kids feelings will be spared and they won't miss the current chill surrounding our family

i really appreciate you sharing your experience and i will chalk one up for the side of good

thnx

I was separated for 8 days before my wife jumped on the OM. there is nothing you can do except work on yourself and marriage its ALL up to them as to what they will do. Be supportive to their wishes, I'd be very weary of other motives she may have but I married a liar just dont get your hopes up, be careful, Dennis

tricky - I don't want to hijack capt's thread here, so I'm going to post some followup comments over in your "profile of a wimp" thread (yeah, I don't like that title either... ) Check it out over there...

Cap,

I would echo Phrek's thoughts just a bit. Everybody's situation is similar and different in their own regards, so never look at one path and expect the same outcome. I was on this site 4 months ago, thinking things would be great after a few months, as my wife moved out, all the while buying books, watching Oprah and Dr. Phil, and reading webisites to "save our marriage." You have no idea what I'd pay for 5 minutes alone with Oprah. My wife even made us a marriage counseling appt., and then cancelled it because she didn't like the lady when she talked to her on the phone, never to reschedule. We had plans to date and get back to basics. I had my hopes up and was under every impression that things were going to be better than ever after a month or two, as she assured me.

A week after our separation she sent me an IM to let me know that she kissed some guy at a bar the night before, and everything went out the window including the books, the dates, her ring, my dignity and sanity (but not Oprah). She later told me that upon advice from her friend, she was letting me down easy with all of this stuff. She is still messing with me daily, swapping between love letters and death threats.

My advice would be to stay the course, be strong but kind (confident humility, as I've heard it best explained), and be cautiously optimistic. Moreso about your personal future than your marriage. This is the hardest part, but worth it if you can do it. I'm trying still. The script remains unwritted, and who knows how it will end. But if you do things right, you will never go back and say "aw man, if I had only done X, Y, or Zed" no matter the outcome. All I know is that you will hit many lows and the occasional highs until resolution, and that ride is the hardest part of all this crap.

good luck

Just read the original post and not the rest so sorry if someone already cover this but...

I therapist I saw before I separated told me that if you could fix a marriage while living in the same house it would be pretty hard to fix one when you are apart.

My wife and I separated because we were not getting along. Our lives had moved in different directs over the past few years etc. etc. Once we separated our lives are now moving apart at light speed.