The Lost Guide To No Contact, V3

Who's Lost?

You are, I am. Everyone is lost in one way or another. I just got here before you did. It isn't a prize, it's just a state of being, of mind, or hopefully, a phase. These are my thoughts. I'm not a doctor, I'm not your shrink, I'm not your friend, but I am trying to help you like others helped me. I am an anonymous (or semi-anonymous) person on the internet. These are just some thoughts for you. They have been gathered from the thoughts of alot of other people on the board, and some other places on the net, mixed up in a 1 quart saucepan and poured all over this and other pages. Let them bake in your brain for awhile, you might like the taste when they are done.

No doubt the metaphors will wear on you, but try to deal with it. I think they're cute and I'm writing this so I get to have my way.

What's no contact?

"No Contact" is the practice of eliminating contact with your ex to stablize an emotional relationship and establish some boundaries. This doesn't mean being an ass to your ex. It means eliminating as much contact as possible. Playing hard to get, if you will. Letting things settle down so that you can either move on or come together in a rational, calm way.

No Contact is not something that you announce to the other person. It is something that you do, how you live your life.

Perspective?

This is written from a male perspective, no doubt the ladies will disagree with some of it, though I hafve tried as much as the testosterone will allow, to incorporate all of the feedback I have received in this version.

Did you do the dumping?

Basically, if you are trying to get rid of someone, be straight forward and honest with them. Don't try to be kind, and don't try to be mean. Honesty really works alot better. Kindness is perhaps the most cruel thing to do. Tell them the truth once you figure it out yourself. If you aren't sure, say so. Don't make up all kinds of things to make the other person feel at fault. Oh, and... your ex boyfriend is not your new girlfriend. Don't treat him like he is, he is not going to take that well. Don't try to introduce your new guy to him and pretend it will all work out. It won't and you just might get someone killed in the process. And if you were just trying to make him jealous, get the hell away from me and from him and go live by yourself, because you aren't fit for a real realtionship and you should wait until you are out of grade school.

Now the rest of this is for those that were dumped by their ex and desire reconciliation..

A quick note on the use of they and them here. Them is what I have chosen to use instead of him/her. It's simpler and friendlier than it. I will also use the ex interchangeably as I see fit.

We only dated a few months, but I love my ex

Three months is a magic number. It's built into the human brain. If the relationship only lasted 3-4 months to begin with or if your ex is less than 25 (or so) years old (or really immature) they aren't likely to be coming back. It could take a bit longer with the immature as they may lack the nerve to break up in the first place. So 3 months is a trial period. The trial is over, move on. Less than 25 yrs old, many/most people aren't looking for permanent relationships. Don't get your hopes up. It might hapopen, sure, but it probably won't.

We only dated for a long time or were married

If the relationship lasted longer than 3 months, you may have some hope. People do reconcile. Take an honest look at your situation and decide if there is truly any chance. Not hope, not desire, but an honest to goodness chance. Be honest with yourself.

If there are other factors, like severe emotional distress (recent breakup, divorce, illness, death of a loved one), insecurity (fear of success), or psychological trauma (child of divorce, mental illness, abuse, rape) your ex may just need to find themself or work through their issues. Emotional distress can cause someone to make a drastic change to try to stabilize or reset their life. Your ex may be trying to eliminate you as a stressor.

Your ex may be aware of these factors, but probably is not. Your ex may even be trying to do what is best for you while they work through their own issues. That is a sign of a good person. A good person won't tell you that they just need to go out and try a few other people so that they are sure they are doing the right thing because they are too young, or was married for so long.

My ex just got divorced or was about to and dumped me

This is classic. And it's a pet peeve of mine as this is the situation I found myself in nearly a year ago. Your ex is going thru the most confusing time of their life. There is nothing that you can do to stop this, or to control it. You have to let it happen. All you can do is let them know that you are still interested and accept whatever they throw at you.

In my case I was told a variety of things that I did that caused the breakup. All of these were later retracted by the ex or revealed to be invalid thru conversations she had with others that were related to me in one fashion or another. I learned thru mutual acquaintances and her relatives that she just needed to be single for awhile. The point of this is that when your ex is pulling away out of fear of entering another bad relationship, they will say things that are designed to distance you. They may also seek out someone else to establish a barrier between you. These are hard things to work thru and to accept. If at the end of it all, you still want them back, then you have to set all that aside and give them whatever time they need to find their way back.

If your ex was recently divorced, you may be the rebound person. If you were friends prior to that, you may have some hope yet. If not, the chance is there, but slim. Many divorced people latch on to someone close. But others just look for someone who is radically different from their ex.

There are four stages of divorce recognized by doctors: walking wounded (despair), sex is everything (desperation), 90 day wonders stage (searching), intimacy without fear (ready for a relationship). See The Divorce SourceBook Ch 8, at your local library or bookstore for more details.

Once your ex works thru the issues they are facing, they may reconsider.....or they may not. Most people remarry within a few years. Your ex might find someone else they like better in the meantime. Don't put your life on hold.

I have kids, what do I do

This is an excellent point that was brought up in a recent thread. Just remember that the kids come first. Unless your ex was abusing the kids in some form, your kids should have contact with both their biological parents, it's important. Don't try to use your kids as weapons and don't try to prevent contact with the ex. Try to limit your personal interaction, but whatever you do, do it without harming the kids or interfering with parental visitation. Don't bad mouth the ex. Kids are smarter than you think. And even if they buy your line of bull now, they will look back on it with the perspective of years and resent you for your manipulation.

Why would I want to practice "no contact"?

In many cases, emotions get the better of people, before, during and after a breakup. What we are trying to do here is to push a big fat red reset button on that problem.

People recommend no contact for two reasons, to allow you to move on (for your own good - even if that isn't what you want) or to allow your ex time to think and come back without being pushed further away.

The no contact time...

1) allows you to get over them (even if you don't want to)

2) allows them to get over you (even if you don't want them to)

3) allows you time to reconsider wanting them back, with a clear head

4) allows them time to reconsider wanting to leave, and time to miss you and want you back

5) allows you to separate more easily

6) allows you to reconcile

Attempting to accelerate this process will most likely extend it. What you want to do is break off contact and eliminate all the points of conflict that come up between you and the ex.

You are not in control of your ex's portion of this process. Do not try to be.

As my friend Mr Positive said recently, "Not to worry, it'll be fine."

Why not pursuit instead?

Pursuit is a valid tactic immediately after the breakup. You need to establish to your ex that you are not indifferent to them. But only up to a point. Sending gifts very early on to try to win over your ex is ok (if your ex is female, for men probably not), but if they tell you to stop, STOP. If they seem at all irritated STOP. Otherwise they will start to see it as a manipulation, no matter how sincere you are. At that point you are violating their space. The more you do it, the more damage you do to yourself.

If your ex is seeing someone else, they do not deserve any gifts and doing so will certainly be looked at as a space violation.

If your ex talks condescendingly to you, that's probably a bad sign. They don't respect you.

I've already pursued, did I blow it?

Nope.

But if it's been awhile since the breakup, you have pushed the ex away a bit. You're challenging their decision. They are going to rebel against that.

Are you stalking? STOP IT. It won't improve things, it'll just get you locked up or under a restraining order. STOP IT.

Talk to your friends and family

If your friends are honest with you they will tell you why they are recommending no contact. But sometimes they will recommend no contact because they think they are doing what's best for you and want you to move on. Just keep in mind that your friends may be trying to do what they think is best for you rather than what is best for your goal of getting her back.

It's hard to tell what a friend's motives are sometimes, but the end result is the same however you prefer things to work out. Sometimes they know better than you do, sometimes they just think they do, sometimes they are genuinely trying to help and sometimes they are just afraid to tell you what they really think. Then there is the friend that has their own interest at heart, but then, he isn't your friend is he?

If you are a friend advising someone else. Be honest, otherwise you are doing them a horrible disservice in the guise of trying not to upset them. (That kind of motivation is about you, not about helping them).

Understand that you are always going to hear they doesn't deserve you or they were no good for you anyway followed up by a millions platitudes like things will work out or you'll feel better soon or have a cookie. These phrases are well meaning and supportive, but offer nothing substantial. Try to have a real conversation with someone. It will help. But if they can't deal with it, don't keep talking about it or you'll alienate them and end up with no one to spend time with. Oh..and have a cookie...that helps. But not too many.

Practicing "No Contact"

Now no contact doesn't mean never talk to your ex. But it does mean that you should not pursue your ex. Doing so will push them away. Don't solicit mutual friends or your ex's family to talk to the ex. Talk to them if they are your friends, but don't give them missions, and don't ask them questions. It's best that you don't even talk to them about your ex unless they bring it up.

For instance, I talked to a mutual work acquaintance about my ex. She went to the ex and asked her if she thought we'd get back together. The ex told her no way. Later on she realized that the ex was using her to send me messages and now she has doubts that she really meant it. She says that my ex isn't ready, and that it may take time.

If your goal here is to reconcile, what you are trying to do is show your ex that you are independent and strong. You want them to see you in the best possible light. Every time you try to get them to see things your way, change their mind, or talk to you, you are pressuring them to do what you want. Everytime they see that they will run away. What you want is for it to be their idea.

What I've been doing is talking to the ex when she approaches me. The last time we chatted, she was IM'ing me all day while we worked. We had an ongoing intermittent conversation for about 6 hours. About lunch time I told her I had to go and that she could message me anytime and that I had missed chatting with her. After lunch we continued to chat. Now it's been about two weeks since she's contacted me.

What I tried to do was to make her at ease with talking to me but to let her know that I am still around. Because of the divorce issue, I feel that it is important to let her know this periodically. If she wasn't going thru that I would cut her off completely. My telling her that I've missed her, even casually, gives her power. That is something that you want to avoid doing. Women are attracted to power, not to men who give it up. But in this divorce scenario, there is some power in knowing what you want and making it clear to her. But that has to be done in such a way that it doesn't come across as whining. Generally speaking though, you appear more powerful if you are not pursuing.

If your ex sees that you are not pursuing they may have some doubts and come back to see how things are doing. This is the scouting party, coming to see how strong your forces are, get the lay of the land so to speak. This is not the time for you to undo everything you've accomplished. Don't overcommit or reveal your positions. Maintain your strong front, be polite, be strong and wait for the full force to show itself. This is war. The best way to win a battle is to never fight it. You need to absorb your enemy into your ranks and allay with him/her. So be cool, give your ex a comfortable feeling of warm fuzziness. Muddle thru the Art of War for more information.

Self improvement

So, nothing to do with your time? Stress getting to you?

Exercise.

Now.

What you don't have a treadmill?

You have shoes don't you?

You're probably sitting in a chair typing right now with your feet on the floor. That floor is a wonderful thing. It's connected to something called "the ground". The ground is an ideal walking surface. So get out there and walk.

And don't walk to McDonald's.

Aside from a little weight loss, or body development, taking a class, learning something, getting out there, or volunteering are all methods of improving yourself and your outlook on life if you are feeling a little down. But exercise is the best way. It's a great stress reliever and gets the blood pumping.

Dating

If your ex starts dating other people during this time, things get a little cloudier. They may still decide to come back. They may decide that they can't return because they were with someone else and won't be welcome.

If you start dating, you may decide that your ex doesn't matter anymore. Or you may end up hurting someone else when you take your ex back. If you don't start dating, you risk wasting your time for nothing. That may be best for you, you have to decide.

Your ex may actually be comforted by you dating other people while they do. Dating someone else will also level the playing field between the two of you and reduce possible feelings of jealousy when you get back together. If you are the jealous type, you have to put that behind you or you will destroy any hope of reconciliation when the opportunity presents itself.

The ex keeps calling while I'm trying to start no contact

Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Don't refuse, but instead defer contact. Gradually increase the time between callbacks. If the ex asks you to get back together, you need to decide if you still want that and then let them in slowly. Be careful. Don't jump back into bed right away. Set some boundaries and expectations of your own.

The ex calls after a period of no contact.

Don't reply right away. But you should reply. Wait a day the first time, wait a little longer after that. Don't be rude, be casual. Leave the ball in their court to give them a comfort zone and a good image of you. Don't play games. If you don't respond at all your ex may read that as you moving on.

Moving on

When you don't really value relationships, it is easier to separate.

No contact can also be a method for revenge against a partner who wronged you or a self defense mechanism to deal with the emotions of the breakup. The dumper may use it to avoid facing their feelings about a person they don't want to be with, or the dumped may use it as a defense.

The problem is that when you are really in love and have legitimate reason to believe the other person may come back, the longer the no contact goes on the harder it is to deal with the separation. The mental pressure to do something continues to increase.

If you are up against an externally imposed deadline (your ex is moving away, changing jobs, etc.) you are going to eventually be forced to break the no contact policy or accept that you may never see or hear from them again.

If your ex is getting married, go out and rent the movie The Graduate for ideas on how to approach her.

At some point you have to move on. You can't just sit around and pine for the ex forever. Sure, you have to do it for awhile, but not forever. You did your duty. You gave it a more than a reasonable effort. If the relationship is finsihed forever, it won't be because you didn't try.

But let's be honest here. If you can't be honest with yourself, you are wasting time reading this. So, did you cause the breakup? Was your ex justified in ending things because of something you did? Can you correct it?

So if it's time, move on. Only you can decide when.

In the meatime, date someone else.

If the ex doesn't respond "no contact" will eventually turn into peace of mind for you. You've moved on. If they come back around it will be on your terms, or the answer will be no.

It isn't fair

Yeah.

You know I used the word justified a little while ago. But, let's make something clear. Your ex doesn't not need to justify their decision to you. This is a personal viewpoint, preference, emotion, feeling or what have you that your ex has 100% control of. They do not need to provide you a justification, but if they are a halfway decent person that can cope with a little bit of face to face conflict, they will at the very least explain it to you so that you can correct it in your next relationship. If they don't offer to explain, ask. If they won't, there isn't much you can do about it.

Reconciliation...

Once the dumper tries to comes back, the rules change. If they call, then they have changed or are thinking about changing their mind (whatever they might think) and the walls are coming down a bit. But your ex may just be feeling bad about what they did and trying to get some comfort for themself.

It doesn't matter, it shows that your ex is thinking about you. Keeping your ex at a distance lets them continue to lower the walls until eventually they are trying hard to get you back. So you talk, you are civil, you can state your terms, offer to take them back, but you cannot beg them to come back.

If your ex asks to try again, and you still want to then do it. But slowly.

Letting your ex in too easily may give them the illusion that they can just come back on their terms and take what they want when they want. That's no kind of relationship. You have to let your ex into your world, but not have control of it. If they are going to come back it has to be on mutual terms, not their terms and not yours.

When in doubt

"No contact" should be considered a policy and not a rule. If you have any doubt, don't contact your ex. Listen to that little voice. Try to sit on things for a day or two before acting.

My ex sent me a long poem. We haven't talked in a few weeks, but she emails me stuff a few times a week. I respond only when she emails me. I don't initiate.

Just tell me if this is respecting her space. Again, I'm not initiating contact. She is. I want her to know my thoughts and that I'm not dissing her because I want to; it's more like letting her go with love; not anger. I just don't know if that is what the no contact thing is about. I'm fading out of her life because that's what she wants right now. But I want her to know it's not because I'm mad; it's because I care about her.

Anywho, here's a copy some of the lines of the poem and what I responded to them. The lines from the poem are are in quotations and what I wrote is in bold. I also wrote a paragraph at the bottom. I use the name Jim cause that's the name of a guy in the poem.

BTW. We dated for 9 months and have been very close friends for 2 years. We were ready to move in together in September. She's dating and so am I. We were both up front about that.

"Remember to always say what you mean."

I did.

"If you love someone, tell them."

I did.

"Don't be afraid to express yourself."

I'm not. Obviously. ;-)

"Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you."

I have. Too many times I think.

"Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name."

Yep; I'm just looking for something real.

I now realize, sometimes Jim has to experience life on his own. I care enough to

let Jim go on without me. No matter how much it pains me to do that. I just hope

that Jim knows in his heart that me letting him go is an act of love and

respect; not anger. Jim should also know that I'm fading away at his request,

not my desire. If that's the only way I can show Jim my love, then, as hard as

it is, that's what I must do. I can still keep my love for Jim alive by doing

so. Jim should also know that no matter how difficult life may get; there is

always someone who cares.

ive got a ggod question on the no contact,, ok 5 year weve been broken up for 2 months, she immediatly strted hangin out with someone else,, she was talking to him before we broke up.... probally feeding her the lines why we were arguing.. anyway i havent called or instant messaged her 1 time since we broke up,,, i was doing no contact,,

Here is the thing its been over 8 weeks ,, the longest she has gone without trying to contact me has been a week... she tried constantly right after we broke up to reach me but i refused to take her calls ,,, then finally weeks later after her instant messaging me i finally responded and she has been contacting me every since she wrote me on instant messanger 10 out of 13 days ,, the thing is the days she didnt write i wasnt home,, and she called a couple of times,, i know she is scared things will fall back into the way they were ,, and i know she is hangign otu witht his guy quite a bit they go out to the bars quite often... so do i keep the contact the same,, i was thinking about not signing on as much,,, ITs not like im not going out and doing stuff ..... she i keep the contact and see if i can get her trust back,, or should i slowy fade and make her wonder..... ?? i dont want to play game sbecause we did alot of that before ,,, but i dont need to giver her any uneccessary power either

I like what you have added to your newest version of N/C. Glad you sent me the link to kanuk's experience. I've been staying with the N/C since reading it, even made it through the bday, thanks alot it helped....Sid

Sid3,

Glad it helped. You seem more stable now.

Don't let people turn you away from that goal if it is what you really want.

Follow your heart.

Now, that said, realize that I've been wasting away my life here for 10 months while my ex has been trying to find happiness or freedom or independence or whatever it is.

Find someone else to spend time with. You don't want to end up in the same boat I'm in.

I'm finally starting to have some interest in other women.

The ex's birthday is next month. The Big 30. That oughta put some perspective on things for her. Hopefully she takes it better than I took my last birthday.

See, there I go again.

I wonder what my new girlfriend's birthday will be?

I would say the last ten months have not been wasted. I can only imagine the insight and advice you have gathered which will help you in future relationship situations. Just hearing the problems and trials of others has helped me realize why things happen, and what may be the best course of action to follow. It's good to hear that your starting to find interest in other women,dam there are so many out there! I think your only ready when you know it inside, regardless of what replies may advise, we are all unique and move at different speeds.

I am a bit more stable now. I can thank the people that have sent solid replies, such as yours with the kanut link. I try to hear everything, not only what I want to. I am going to see what the N/C does for my situation, I am not interested in other women, but like you, there is only so much effort one can put into trying to reconcile with someone that we truly love. When I have reached that point I will know. N/C does give back a feeling of control and pride, Although I was never out of control, too predictable was defenitely not advantagous, there is a reply from Dribliz that would go well in version 4 of N/C. They never will know what they have given up if you don't leave (let go) is the premise. Very true. Nice to hear from you as always Lost, Glad things are going well for you.

I am a bit more stable now. I can thank the people that have sent solid replies, such as yours with the kanut link. I try to hear everything, not only what I want to.

It's good that you have turned that corner. I've noticed some interesting things during the last year in the people that know both me and the ex.

Generally, people always recommend moving on, sometimes they add, she's no good etc, but only if they know her.

But an interesting thing takes place when they see my seriousness about this relationship. They start to realize that there is more to this than just a dating thing. Everyone gets tired of hearing about it if I go on too much. My friend tells me that she is my obsession (and his is money

But now instead of saying no way it will never happen, they maybe aren't so sure. Or maybe more accurately, they've stopped trying to tell me the things that they think will make me move on and have started looking at the situation and the people and giving real advice. Telling me to stay cool about it all and wait her out. Or telling me that she needs to grow into realization of why she is doing what she is doing, etc.

Not that that changes anything but it is kind of amusing to see people come around to my way of thinking if only a little.

And I usually get what I want in the end....thru perseverance....

Hey lost, is there any way you can manipulate those into no contact for the dumped and angry? I'd like to apply some of those to my situation-but if you know my situation you'll understand I don't have contact for a reason............

Now, that said, realize that I've been wasting away my life here for 10 months......

Au contraire!!!! I agree with sid on this one.

It appears that with each version you are refining as well as expanding the "Guide".

Perhaps the only thing you will soon be needing is a literary agent - the New York Times best seller list awaits!

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Hey lost, is there any way you can manipulate those into no contact for the dumped and angry? I'd like to apply some of those to my situation-but if you know my situation you'll understand I don't have contact for a reason............

Spock, start a thread, tell the story ask the questions, the answers will flow...

Originally posted by reasontosigh

Au contraire!!!! I agree with sid on this one.

 

It appears that with each version you are refining as well as expanding the "Guide".

 

Perhaps the only thing you will soon be needing is a literary agent - the New York Times best seller list awaits!

Well I was referring to my love life being in idle rather than my literary career.

Meanwhile the ex is in the dating/90-day wonder stage. still.

And I'm starting to look around. Albeit clumsily.

Hello

About the No Contact.. I have posted before... my ex dumped me 13 months ago over a stupid drunken kiss with another girl.. long story short... she dumped me and ive been trying ever since to get a 2nd chance.. she is very resistant... I know i hurt her very much... this is my first breakup so i didnt react the greatest... to say the least... now i havent seen or heard from her in 30 days.... the last time we met up 30 days ago was when i saw her in the street and we talked for a while.. i asked if she could give me a 2nd chance.. she said no.. why would she want to give me a 2nd chance when she is happy.. thats what she said... she doesnt want a b/f at the moment.. she hasnt been with any guy sexually since we split up... its 13 months now.. i assume thats great...

now we were together for 4 years and were on the verge of moving in together... but when we split.. i took it very very badly.. i kept ringing her and messaging her.. that she ended up changing her phone number... she has moved out of home( she was moving out anyway but was due to get a place with me ) so i dont have any way really of contacting her..

Just wondering is it too late for NC... she says she thinks about me sometimes... she talked to me and was kind of warm and we had bit of a joke but at the same time says we wont be getting back together and that we wont be arranging to hang out.. that if we see each other in the street then we will say hello but not be arranging to meet up or anything...

i really love her so much.. we had great plans for the future.. i know plans change but i reall love her so much.. and i hate it that i have hurt her bad.. 30 days ago i decided i wasnt going to chase her anymore in the hope that she may come back... if i dont chase.. i dont know.. any advise please would be great, thank you for your time

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hey lost, that guide is brilliant - btw i mentioned you in post 210 of dreamguy's "no contact worked:-

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41536/15-14

it was my little mini-guide of no contact, but it focuses on how to handle contact from your dumper, during no-contact, you have covered this in your guide, but theres a little bit more commentary thats come out of my head - you may wanna incorporate in future versions of the "lost guide to nc"

you are after all the no contact guru of this website, and reading your stuff has helped me an awful lot, so much so that i'm chipping in with some of my ideas too.

i did read on one thread you saying "its pointless" to someone writing a goodbye letter, and i think it would be good to put something about that in there too. hell its gonna turn into a book this lost guide - maybe you shouldnt put any new versions up after all, and make a mint from some book publisher instead.

i havent wrote my story on here, as it wouldn't help me get thru the break-up. recounting the story doesnt really help me at all. i have put snippets up about what has happended. and i offered some advice to someone here:-

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43750/

(its post 3)

Don't forget your towel

Hmmm,

the book thing has been suggested...who knows

When I come out the other side of this successfully I'll call it "No Contact - It Really Works!" or some such.

Until then the title is "No Contact - The biggest fool of all."

You know, I'm not waiting exclusively for her, but nothing has materialized.

I do realize that I never have completely embraced the no contact philosophy in this particular case because I've kept pictures of her around over the past year and until about a month ago, I had her on my buddy list.

No contact really means completely or it isn't that effective.

But then my goal has not been to eliminate her, but rather to wait her out.

And that right there is the difference...

perseverance

It makes the difference in your career, your education, your love life, your ability to do just about anything.

Want to do something? be persistant!

Want to move ahead in your career? persevere!

Want to start a business? Keep at it!

Decide what you want and stick to it.

(that does not mean stalking btw)

It means taking the necessary steps to accomplish your goals.

Not just wishfully thinking about them.

That's how I view my relationship.

I recall a couple conversations where my ex got upset after our breakup.

In one, we were discussing her career development. One of her coworkers suggested she get a certification that would cost her $10K+ in training and probably 5 years to complete at the end of which the cert would be useless and outdated. I told her that it was unrealistic that she'd never spend the time or master everything she needed to accomplish the cert because she just wasn't willing to put in that kind of effort. She was of course offended, because she opted to take that as a personal attack.

I was quick to point out that there were realistic ways to accomplish similar tasks that were more within her grasp and suited her available time. She could take a single class and get a different cert that would have the same effect on her career and cost her less than $500. While she accepted that, she never pursued it. Why? Because talking about doing it is what she wants to do. Actually doing it is irrelevant to her. She's already decided that it's too much work or too challenging. Or maybe it's fear of success.

You know if you actually accomplish something, you can't bitch about it any more. And bitching is so much fun.

So..what was my point...

Oh yeah, relationships are like that. When they become too much work or look like they might just really work out the way you want out pops the panic button saying "press me". So when that happens, remember Douglas Adams and "Don't Panic"

And the days just keep ticking by.....

<stream of consciousness begin>

Almost a week since my ex turned 30.

It's been two months since our last contact.

Damn but that went by fast.

I didn't send her a card or anything.

That's a boyfriends job and she fired me. (nice line, whoever said that)

One month from now will mark a year that we have been apart.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about her over the last eleven months.

Not much has changed for me in that time.

I have a different job, which I couldn't care less about.

I haven't met anyone that remotely interests me.

Everything else about my life is meaningless.

I've contacted an old girlfriend for some perspective and talked with her.

She limited contact to once a month and now we haven't had any contact for 3 months.

She walked away from me too, but with just cause. We weren't working out.

I wasn't ready for her. She's the only relationship I've had that I can look back on and say that she was completely trustworthy. Alot of regret there, but she's happy now, so I'm glad of that much anyway.

My ex is dating I guess. I have little of no contact with her or people she knows unless I reach out.

My so called friends from her work (my former work) have never reached out for even a friendly hello.

Only my old boss, who calls on holidays to keep the line of communication open in case he has future need of me.

Nice guy, great to work for, but really just business contact when it comes down to it.

So lets recap:

I hate my job

And I hate my life

Well, what do you wanna hear, man?! Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet?! Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it?! This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it?! The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason!

Yeah, and I don't even like my job.

And If it weren’t for my two kids

I’d hate my ex-wife

but I don't have an ex wife (well actually I do, but it was 18 years ago and doesn't count)

what I have is an ex-was-gonna-be-my-wife

and I don't have any kids.

but my ex did, and I got to know a couple of them pretty well

well enuf that I hate that I didn't get to see the youngest girls first steps and she's probably talking a blue streak by now too

I know I should move on

And try to start again

But I just can't get over her

Leavin’ me for him

(is that why she left, no it was cause she just couldn't face leaving another relationship and starting a new one right away. that gives me some hope, but hell you can't wait forever.)

Then he shook his head

And looked down at his ring

And he said I hate everything

Hell I don't even have a ring to look at.

I hate summer, winter, fall and spring

Red and yellow, purple, blue and green

I hate everything

I hate chartreuse alot too, but I'm not sure how to spell it and I don't want to offend anyone with that name.

I'm the reason why they don't give rifles to people like me.

I know all the tall buildings and you all just look like ants to me.

I hate this bar

And I hate to drink

Ahh but I don't drink, so I can't even drink my troubles away.

<stream of consciousness end>

OK, I'm done now.

Seriously folks, don't bother with all this.

Go out and find someone else.

If they come back, they come back.

At least you'll be doing something positive with your life in the meantime.

You've got to learn to devalue your relationships like all the people that tell you to move on do.

Forget about love, just think sex, instant gratification, no commitment, no lifetime together, live fast, die hard, and leave a good looking young corpse. Don't end up alone over 40.

Go now. Leave this board and all us loser and find a life.

Or you'll be me.

and then the phone rang..

and then the phone rang..

and then the phone rang..

well it was worth a try.

And no contact continues....

Thats the low road talking mate, nothing wrong with like you said moving on and going out with other people.....but dont lose hope that she WONT come back! What it comes down to now is the length of time we have to wait before we get to get BACK with our ex's?

How many of us have heard of stories of ex's getting back??? I know i have! Both on here and in real life! I look at the ones that takes agesssssssss (year or so) as the more positive ones! This is because enough time has gone by that people are able to look at themselves and re-think about what has happened! In my situation my ex had all these wonderful plans and step by step guide of what she wanted. Break up with me, to quit her job, sell her house, use those funds for her trip abroad, work overseas and maybe come back.......10mths have gone by since....she's broken up with me, shes quit her job...and thats where its ended! She's in a temp job (which I know she hates as its not a steady income!) she's tried to sell her house but the market has crapped itself and so rented it out for a while and she moved in with her sis. She moved back into her house now on her own (her brother moved out to his dad), she's at home alone, in a temp job and not abroad as she had hoped she would be by June 04.

What I am saying, is that nothing that anyone can say about the future WILL work step by step. In the case of our relationships or past relationships, we cant say that we WILL be together by this time next year etc.....it has to happen! Things will happen along the way that will give us hope and make us smile again! We have to be strong for those times! I know reading back on my very first thread i posted here, i'm feeling a lot better about myself since then, even though I am still single and without the love of my life!

Keep the praise, words of encouragement and BRIGHT outlook going peoples.....especially you Lost, you're a great inspiration to a lot of people in here, especially me!!! Its my turn to try and help you turn to the good side mate!

You've got to learn to devalue your relationships like all the people that tell you to move on do.

Can't agree with you there, lost. I put a high value on my relationships, and I still can't devalue my failed marriage no matter what I remember he did to me, but I reached a point where I knew I had to move on. It was a very slllooooooowwww process.

It took me two years to completely crawl out of my hole of despair. You've gone only a year, but you can do it. Keep trying something new every day. Do stuff for you. Do you exercise? I started doing aerobic and toning tapes in my house several months ago, then ventured outside for very long brisk walks, and recently joined the gym. I spend my nights there when I'm lonely at home.

Take up a hobby. I started taking guitar lessons last month, spent a grand on a pink guitar because I'm worth it, and now I play this thing all night long every night. I love music so it's a great outlet for me, but there are so many other hobbies to drown in. When you're concetrating on something you love, the rest disappears (if only for a little while).

Moving on is not easy, you have to kick yourself in the ass and realize that you can't live like this anymore. Chin up, dude. She's not worth all this. No one is, not even someone's god.

think of it this way:-

if you can get over the permanent loss of someone who you love the most, then imagine how much strength that that is going to give you in the future

How you been feeling lately Lost?

Thats the low road talking mate, nothing wrong with like you said moving on and going out with other people.....but dont lose hope that she WONT come back! What it comes down to now is the length of time we have to wait before we get to get BACK with our ex's?

Ok so here's the thing. I'm not wired like most people. I only have room in my heart for one person. I've never played the field and I've never cheated. So for 11 months now I've not even looked elsewhere. Meanwhile I get older, my options get fewer and my mood gets worse. I kick myself over and over for getting involved with her at the wrong time, because damn if I didn't know this was going to happen.

The other thing is that I have trust issues. So I need to get to know someone before I get interested. Sure I like to look at a pretty girl, but I just don't have the follow thru unless I know someone a bit first. That reminds me of a funny thing. A female friend of mine would always go on about men by asses, etc. And she would always pull out a knee jerk reaction whenever any made a comment about a woman being physically attractive. She'd say, that's the problem with guys, etc. So when my ex cut thru the wire and escaped the compound, she's telling me to go out a date someone. I said I don't really know anyone and she says just pick someone up. Find someone pretty and go out with her. I reminded her what she said about getting to know someone. Funny I said, I'm the way you say guys should be and now you're telling me I'm wrong. . . .......women.

Lastly, I've got a terribly dry sense of humor and I have to make a severe effort to not let it out when I meet someone new because I make a terrible first impression.

Friday I made a point to talk to three different girls that I work with. None of them seem very interested, but they chat. So who knows. (one's engaged, one I didn't like and the other, well, who knows.)

In reading your comments about the ex's plans, when you show some more progress and get back together, I'm thinking planning a trip overseas with her would be the ideal thing to bring you two back to where you once were and maybe fulfilling that desire of hers at the same time.

especially you Lost, you're a great inspiration to a lot of people in here, especially me!!!

Glad to help but I have the deadline of Wednesday set in my mind now. Well and another deadline of 9/4. The latter is a year from D-day. My year in hell.

Lonestar,

yes exercise....I lost 55 pounds in three months after the breakup. Since then I've gone to work a primarily desk job and I gained back 20 lbs over 2 months and another 10 over the remaining 6 months. Still down 25 from the original, but I'm back on the exercise over the last week or two and heading back down now.

FWIW, she's the only thing in my life that ever motivated me like this.

Which brings to mind this "love yourself or you can't love anyone else" crapola. There are alot of people who find their happiness by serving other people, making other people happy, or just having the close company of a special person. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact I think moany who say I don't need anyone in my life to be happy have never really experienced loneliness and are just trying to soothe their own misgivings.

So there.

Thanks.

Thanks, I broke up with my girfriend of 10 months because she would not stop calling, emailing, and then a visit or two to her exs house! now I miss her, but I know that I cant persue her knowing that the relationship between her and her ex will continue, I lost trust in her, she lied to me 3 months into the relationship, told me she was busy one Sunday and actually had made plans to go to her ex's house, last month after 10 months of being in love etc... we were not getting along too well, she tells me that her ex is in town and that she was going too visit him at his house!was I wrong in breaking up with her???? why do I miss her so???? she emailed me and told me she had cancelled with him the day she was supposed to go over, why did she agree to go in the first place knowit would hurt me??? , I told her it was over between us???

Lost, you're a lot like me, we seem to have a lot of things in common from the time we both broke up to how we are with females etc. I too dont cheat and am only a one woman man. We all get older and our options do decrease, however, rather than just 'older' you also get wiser? I think that a lot of people get the impression that, if you go out on a date with a woman, you HAVE to take it that bit further and seek the relationship part as well? This could be nothing farther than the truth! The idea of going out on a date, is to firstly find out a little more about that person one on one! There are so many times that you may fancy a particular person, only to find out on the date that they arent the person you thought they were? They may slurp their soup or they dont laugh at your jokes? Whatever? What I am saying is that use this dating to get your feelers out there!

I found that I needed to get over the part that it is ok to go out with someone from the opposite sex just as friends? Nothing more! They say the best relationships start out as friendships! Well, take a 'friend' out for a drink or a meal? Dont expect more than that! Part of growing and improving is to expanding your mind and looking at things at a different point of view....you get to kill 2 birds with one stone then! You're not lonely and at home AND you're growing your mind too!

I have LOTS of plans i wish to fulfill if I was to ever get back with my ex LOST, and yes going overseas together would definately be one of them! But step by step......I still haven't heard back from her even though she said she would be finished with her Uni work last wednesday and would call me about catching up! But Im not letting that worry me. I went out on a date last Friday night and having a second date this friday with the same girl. Does she compare to my ex? Not in the slightest, but Im enjoying the female company! Try it out mate......go out on a date with a female!

that first post was excellent and i cut and pasted it into word and then printed it out to put on my fridge. it also caused me to rethink and retool the scathing birthday email i was gonna send him on monday. my birthday was a few weeks ago and i can't just NOT send him something saying i remember it's his birthday but at least it's not gonna be as venomous as previously written. and no one laugh that i have saved in a draft and constantly seem to rework that little birthday email every day for the past week. at least i get my venom out and DON'T send anything i know i'll regret later.

Kit!

Absolutely spot on! I was thinking just the same on Saturday just gone when I went out on a date with a nice girl. Yes she didn't compare with my ex at all in terms of the passion I felt for the ex. But I immediately subconciously removed all these comparisons, and decided to enjoy the day to the fullest.

It was a beautiful day as well, and we met up in the afternoon and sat in the glorious summer weather and chatted all day long. It was not something that I would normally do with my buddies. We'd probably be getting lashed up in some beer garden somewhere. And thats not exactly constructive for the health and emotional well-being. So it was really refreshing and enjoyable.

The girl I dated is in no rush to jump into a relationship, and has stated all along that she is happy to have male company as friendship. It made me realise that I'm exactly the same. I've changed a lot in the last couple of years in that I don't need sex to keep me alive.

I think we tend to focus on trying to get into a new relationship to take our minds off our ex. But if we're honest with ourselves, we can make ourselves realise that its not the be all and end all. If we look around us, there are plenty of opportunities for dates with women who we could be just friends to start off with, and then maybe who knows?

I think we all need to take chill pills and look around us in a relaxed frame of mind. Stop the eagerness to find that special person, as they often arrive when we least expect them to.