No Contact - A Fresh Perspective

I am currently in a no-contact situation as a dumpee. However I have been on the other side of the fence as well, as a dumper. Its a bit of an unusual situation to be in, as I am learning from the mistakes from the ex that I dumped, and putting them into practice right now as a dumpee.

And I have to say that all the advice about no-contact is spot-on. Dumpees MUST accept the no-contact philosophy. It is the only way. No doubt eveyone has already read the reasons why. Pushing them away etc, using no-contact for yourself to move on etc. It is usual stuff that has been mentioned earlier, so I won't repeat it all. Here are some useful threads that have been written about the no-contact policy:-

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=21638

(theres a lot of sense written in this article, but i think it goes off skew when it says "if you start to see signs that your ex may be coming back, such as if they sleep w/ you" which frankly is a vast JUMP in more ways than one, but don't discount a lot of sensible stuff that written elsewhere in the same article)

or this one:-

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=41853

While those articles are written with perhaps the intention to make you feel ever more hopeful about getting your ex back. You must always realise that the chances are they won't, and no-contact is simply a method to damage-limitate.

faux, in post 2 of this thread:-

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43750/

endorses this viewpoint

No contact may actually encourage your ex to move on, but you cannot ever lose faith in this policy, because a "contact" policy will encourage your ex even more so, to move on. Dumpees will forever doubt the no-contact principal, its natural human reaction to believe that you have the power to influence a situation. You don't have this power as a dumpee. You cannot change someone else's feelings. You know this because you know nothing will ever change YOUR feelings, other than YOU. Being dumped is probably the only situation you will ever encounter where your actions cannot influence the outcome to your benefit. And being helpless adds to the frustration.

When we feel helpless, we don't know which way to turn. And the easiest option we feel is to pick up the phone and call that person who we still believe is our confidante - our ex. They are no longer that person - they have, like it or not, become the very opposite. The key is to realise that there are plenty of other options to choose if you need someone to talk to. Try not to choose family, as they will build up a picture of someone who you believe will still be part of your life.

The most important thing to do is to regain direction. Thinking about the ex confounds our emotions, the lack of direction becomes ever more so. We literally do not know which way to turn. No contact actually eases this process, it helps you find direction. The lack of contact with your ex DOES make you think less and more less of them. (and will make them think more and more of you) It helps you see life without them, it helps you focus upon yourself, and what it is exactly that you want from this one life that you have been blessed with.

There have been posts by people on this website, wondering whether they have left it too late to adopt no-contact. IT IS NEVER too late. My ex who I dumped was further and further from my thoughts each time she begged and pleaded. I just resented it and it WAS pushing me further and further away. I knew how she felt, she didnt have to tell me.

The wierdest thing of it was that I was totally unsure of where i wanted my life to go, and her pushing was forcing me not just to make a decision about her, but i felt as though she was pushing me to make some life decisions that i was not simply ready to take. Its not all about wanting to meet other people and make out with them to see whether there's any better out there. Now I am in the dumpee role, I fully appreciate this.

i actually find myself now crying over the ex who i dumped, FOURTEEN MONTHS on from the time that i dumped her, simply because she has convinced me, through 3 months of not contacting me, that she will never contact me again. it may take me another 12 months to realise that she is the one i want to be with. who knows? we are all lost where affairs of the heart are concerned.

As a dumpee you must make yourself totally absent from their life. The no-contact policy extends to not making yourself available to when they contact you. One of the biggest threads on this site is called "No contact DOES work, ex has called" Dumpees are too eager to believe that what they are doing in the no-contact philospophy will stretch to a few weeks. And we think that we have results when the ex makes contact. But its not a result, its just a reminder that the ex thinks and still cares about us - not a bad sign - but nothing you should re-joice over and think that all your hard work in the no-contact policy has reaped dividends.

The process can actually take months and years, and you should never set any time frames. I think that this is a burning issue where dumpees are concerned. We pre-occupy ourselves with thoughts of "how long will this process take?". But people please remind ourselves that a lifelong partner will occupy 40+ years of our life. 5% of this time is 2 years.

Just remember that NO-CONTACT is always your friend. It is helping you, AND it is helping your ex think about you more and more. A little philosophy I have always drawn comfort from is this:-

Which of the two quotes are correct? :-

"absence makes the heart grow fonder"

"out of sight, out of mind"

the answer is that they are both correct, they both work equally alongside each other. but DO NOT despair, because if you look at the statements more carefully, you will realise that one of those statements refers more to love than the other. LOOK AGAIN. have faith everyone. the best will come out for us all.

What a great post.

I second that!

How are you feeling during your no contact though? How long has it been, and do you think your no contact will be effective towards reuniting with your ex?

Its been three months now, but I wasn't exactly dumped at first and in the first month I did a bit a pleading and begging. Until I was told for sure that it was over. But she did say that she still loved me, but wasn't sure what she wanted (She was divorced Sep 03, after being in a 7 year marriage). So I did an email the following day that accepted her decision, while pointing out about some of her misgivings she supposedly had about me were not true. I implied the no-contact thing in the email ("I'm so sorry this has ended, I'll always think about you, I'll leave you alone to get on with your life, and I'll try and get on with mine")

Since then I have stuck by no contact, and about 2 weeks after that she IM's me to ask how I'm doing, I wasn't online at the time, so I made sure she was offline before I responded alike (I'm doing good, hope you are too).

Another 2 weeks passed and she IM's me asking me how i'm doing, but "hopes to get the chance to chat with me soon", so i left it a few days, and responded when she was online (doh!) I hadn't wanted that to happen, but she's always "invisible" so sometimes I couldnt tell, and she responded immediately "hey there", we chatted for a couple of hours online, but no relationship talk happened, and it was all too polite and false.

That was almost 4 weeks ago now, and nothing since. We are LDR so I guess its easier, as I'm not going to bump into her. I'm a bit paranoid about her possibly stumbling across this website, so I try not to give out too much stuff.

But in my case I guess that the no-contact has more or less helped me try to get over her, and I am thinking less and less of her now. If you had said to me 2 months ago that I would have been thinking of her less and less, I would have been horrified at the thought, but I know now that that is a good thing in the healing process.

This site has helped me a great deal through the no-contact process, and although I don't think my ex will come back now, I do not at all regret doing no-contact. It has helped me recover. It is the best way to go. I don't think that had I done things differently, i.e kept contacting her, that it would have given me a better chance of getting her back.

Its the most dignified way that dumpees should handle the situation, and your image to your ex will remain a happy one. Let it always stay that way, and move on gracefully.

I am trying so hard to not contact her, it has been a week and I have not heard a word from her. the day after we broke up my friend got involved in the mix and threatened to let he kids know that she had cheated on their dad, I told him under NO circumstances was he to do that and I let her know her secret is still safe. I told her that my life at that point was over (meaning I was num and very hurt, though I never thought of taking my life to her it may have sounded like it)

My daughter who is 11 did email her and ask her why she dumped me becasue 2 weeks prior to our breakup she told our minister that I was the most kind and gentle , warm and caring man that she had ever met and that she knew she would never find a better man that me. She never replied to my daughter either.

Her reason was that I had tried to come between her and her family, I just gave advise to them on intervention and maybe having the brother in law commited for drugs and alcohol abuse. He ended up in jail and i said that if they would have at least looked into what I suggested maybe he would not be in jail today. She also said that I was too insecure, and i was after I had proposed to her and she said yes then 2 days later said no, she gave me the reason that she just wanted to make me feel better while she was out of town on business.

We had been seeing each other daily and 1 month from turning me down she said she "I love you but I only want to see you on weekends, so yes I was insecure, and my ego was pretty crushed and she said she was tired of stroking it as well.

I dont know if I will ever hear from her again, I still care and have lost 10 lbs in one week, what do you think, was my insecurities justified, should I have got out after the proposal turndown.

Her track record before me was very hazy, she had an affair on her first husband, the affair ended a year later after her divorce and within 1 month she was married to a completely different man, should I have gotten involved? Should I let go and walk away or run away?

I am trying the no contct and it is hard. It makes me hyperventilate to think we will never talk again. I am in a LDR and we never broke up, he left me in limbo. He ignores my calls/emails. He is going thru child cust and divorce. No excuse though. What if I never talk to him again. I have even asked for him to IM me to tell me it's over and he will not? I would rather know then be lost? What should I do? I have no choice I guess but to move on? I have not called in 4 days now and we have not talked in 2 weeks! He has done this many times to me and I forgice when he calls and says he needed space. I cannot this time. Are you sure I will think of him less????REALLY??? It sucks

Beth, I am going through the same type of situation...he wouldn't end it, even though I so much as put the words in his mouth for him and all he had to do was agree, but then he is ignoring my messages.....YOu said that this has happened to you before...how long did his silence last? and how do you really know that it is over this time if he has done it before...I had met the man of my dreams...I do not really doubt his feelings for me...but he has alot of personal stuff going on and I did not do a good job of giving him space when he first asked for it..i.e. I reacted very emotionally and took it as a personal rejection....suggestions...I am thinking about sending him a card by regular mail to say that I realize that I did not give him his space when he asked for it and that my emotional reaction added to his burden and that I know that right now, he needs to concentrate on his own mental health and cannot be responsible for my emotional well being and that I am ok and moving on, but wnated him to know taht I will be thinking about him and hoping that things get better..opinions on this move?!

It sounds to me that your ex is really confused and does not know what she wants. I think that if you let a period of time elapse without contacting her (a week isn't enough, maybe a month would be a good general rule). Then this will give her the time and space that she needs to figure things out for herself. In this time you need to focus on yourself, and try to stop thinking about her. Yes it is extremely hard, I do know as I'm in that situation myself, although I'm a little further down the path than you are (its been 4 weeks now for me with no contact).

I know what you are going through, I spent the first month after the break-up sobbing every time I came home from work. But in this time, I have realised, without being aware of it on a daily basis, that these emotions that I am feeling have calmed down, with no contact. I understand that time is actually healing me, and it will do for you. Yes I still crave for that phone-call or that email, telling me that I was the best thing ever and she wants us to try again etc. But I spend less time checking my answerphone or my email now, and time has been my friend in that respect.

I have by no means handled the situation perfectly, I have hit out at friends and family, snapped at them. But at least I've done it to them and not the ex. I always wonder whether she will call, but I don't ask people whether they think she will, because they can't say yes and they can't say no.

All that I know is that 3 weeks after she broke it off, she contacted me. This was after no contact at all from me. And she did again 2 weeks later, and we spoke. But it was nothing to rejoice over, she wasn't telling me that she wanted us to try again. So the question "will she ever contact me again" is not quite the question to be asking. She may well contact you, but only if you leave her alone, like I did.

Stringfellow, I think that you should let it go in terms of not-contacting her for now. Give it a month, DO NOT contact her at all in this time. Only then can you take stock of things and make your own decisions about your ex. I'm not too sure about the proposal u-turn, maybe she just had second thoughts, I wouldnt focus on that too much. If I was you I would concentrate on embarking on a path that will help you take your mind off your ex. You are too eager to find out stuff too soon, you need to let things be for a while. When you start thinking about her, put it off and tell yourself that you will think about this later.

And one other thing that I do know is that women hate insecure men. I think I came over as a little insecure to my ex. The only way I can reverse this, is to make myself realise that I do not need to be with anyone (am getting there), and to NOT beg or plead for my ex back, or tell her how much I have missed her etc etc. It doesn't work, and IT NEVER works if you were perceived as insecure by your ex, as contacting them, demanding answers, telling them you've missed them etc etc, will just re-inforce this belief she has of you being insecure. Stay away from her, and those opinions that she has of you may possibly change.

Nothing that YOU can do will change how she sees you. It can only come with time, and no interference. Stick with it string, and please stop looking for answers, the answers will come in time, with absolutely no effort required by yourself.

Well I do not know that this time is different. One time it was a week and one time it was 2 and once it was 2 months! I would think that if he really wanted it over, he would just do as I asked and tell me it's over? I do not get it! I need to know! I think that if you send the card it is a sweet thing, but I must say I have tried that....I wanted a reaction and all I got was more heartbroken. I hope that becasue he is ignoring me does not mean he does not love me. I know he does, but I am taking this so personal. I know it is his mess to straighten out, but I feel like, "what is worng with me". I guess he handles stress different than I do. I am also very emotional. he is not. He hides his feelings and deals with them on his own. He reaches a point where he has worked thru it all and then contacts me. Except this is not who I want to be with. I need to be with someone who can show me I am needed and I can be there for him. It sounds weird, but I want him to call me only to know he cares. My friends know his pattern too. They say he wants to deal with the stress, but not lose me and will not break it off becasue it is comfoting to know I will be there when he needs me! What about when I need him! I chased and emailed and texts for about 2 weeks and not one reply! It hurts and that is why I decided no contact. I cry so hard sometimes I feel like I may die. All I want to do is sleep so that I can stop thinking. I even started taking Lortab which is a paiin killer I have from surgery. I look at my phone all the time. I check my mail, etc. Just hoping that he will call....funny thing is,befor this happened, I want to end it....no he has left me in limbo(I bet on purpose) just so he can come back. I know in my heart he loves me and i hope he did not lose his son in the custody battle, but how would I know? How can someone I have loved for 2 years just stop everything and not miss me!!!!! I want to scream...back to your letter....figure out why you want to send it--for a reaction? Or you really are going to let him be?? If you have tried and he ignores, I guess we both should assume we arew moving on and if they contact us, we can work from there?

How old are you guys and when was the last conv you had? How long has it been since you talked? And does he call you back if you leave a message? Sounds like now that he ignores, you are looking at yourself to see what YOU did wrong. You did nothing. DO not be sorry for being emotional. It seems like out guys have similar way s of coping. Being alone. It is just how they are-nothing to have to do with you or how much they love you. I replied above too.

We are in almost the exact same situation...my bf is dealing with legal issues and that is the source of his stress, not sure about yours, but I COULD HAVE WRITTEN your post.....I blame myself all of the time..i.e. if I was super beautiful, great, the best thing ever, he would never risk losing me by doing this....funny thing, people tell me that I am pretty and a great catch...but I just don't feel that because I figure he wouldn't have left if I was.....and the checking my phone, messages...all of the time....the last time we talked was 2 weeks ago today....he had asked for space about 1 1/2 weeks prior which sent me into a panic and I reacted emotionally instead of just giving him the space that he needed...I figured he'd take a weekend to himself and then we would hang out....Monday came and I did not hear from him...so I messaged him or got him to call me by messaging him on Mon, Tues and Wed...all three days he said he "would call me"....Wednesday late pm I went to the gym and saw him talking with a couple of friends on his way out...I was so upset, I could only stay for half of my workout...I messaged him to see if he wanted to grab dinner (kind of like a test to see if he was just jerking me around), this prompted him to call me and I went off on him.....asked him if he really just wanted to break up and was just taking the cowardly way out...he insisted he cared and that this was not was he was doing...I was so upset, crying, etc....so I made an excuse that my mom was on the line and that I needed to take his call and that he could call later that night because I would be home....he didn't call.....and since that time has not responded to my messages......he is facing jail time (we are both in our 30s) and mentioned once that he didn't want to get closer to me before he leaves, but I said that he knew his situation when he met me and that this was not the way we had agreed to tackle the situation that we were going to spend time together until he left and then keep in touch and see what happened....he said he was just trying to get through right now and that he was so stressed from bad things always happening in his life...I said he and I might be the beginning of good things happening, but I have a feeling that he got scared and does not think that I would wait for him while he was in jail...because he has been cheated on more than 1x in the past....that's why I thought the card might be a good idea, I don't know if he will respond, but I do want him to know that I care and that my initial reaction is because I took things personally as a rejection, but now realize that he has all he can handle on his plate and needs to concentrate on himself....I still have the same thoughts as you....couples should tackle things as a team and not run, but I really care about him and hope that maybe he will regret his way of dealing with things and that when he gets out we might have a second chance...I know he has some self esteem issues because of his situation and might feel like he doesn't deserve me....Why do guys have to be such a pain...why can't they just let us love them....it never needed to be this complicated....

ok and I could have written yours! I have tried everything with him! I was nice, hurt, upset, sad, mean, bitchy...nothing worked. I just wantd to know that when he was thru all this drama in his life thatwe will be together. This is also long distance so I never can see him either. It was 2 wks this past tues since we spoke. I am also told I am so pretty and nice and sweet and I just want to know what I could do to make him love me again. I know there is no one else, but I want him to need me and count on me. So many times in the past 2 wks I have wanted to call him with news (good or bad) and I hang up becasue I will be heartbroken if he did not answer. I am not sure if he lost custody ( i know he lost his house) he is going thru a battle with divorce too. I guess maybe if we give them space, they will come back when they are ready? DO we wait? UGH! If I wait, I will be so hurt if he never comes around. We had our future planned and now I am so unsure of everything. He is on my mind 24/7, but I admit that I have stopped obsessing about him and do not miss him as much as soon as i stopped contact. Last time, when I stopped, he called and said he missed me. Eventhough I was texting mean stuff and nice stuff, I was still there. When I stopped he worried and asked if I still loved him. He always needs reassured! So that is what i decided. I am stopping for my own good. I have been waiting for this divorce for 2 yrs and now that it is finally happening, he shuts me out. men! I have faith that I did all I could to save us. Now it's up to him I guess? I want so much for him to call me. I pray he is ok. He has been on antidepressants and cries when he drops off his son at his moms. I wish he could count on me. I feel so unneeded. Sorry it is so long. Kinda weird though. I thought I was the only one feeling these things. Thanks for talking to me. Ya know what is sad...sometimes just to get my hopes up, when I get a call and the caller ID is unavailable and they hang up (happ 2x this week) I assume it is him (it may not be) but I just hope. I miss him. Why does he not miss me!

We will have to give each other support....you are welcome to message me directly, not sure how that works on this site....but anyways, I know what you mean about not knowing if we should move on....that's my thought about the card, if I send it, he will know I care (since he too is avoiding my calls) and in the card I will indicate (short and simple, not alot of emtional/dramatic stuff) that I know that he is doing what he is needs to do right now and that I am ok and moving on with my life.....and I will....I am not up to actively pursuing anyone else (nor do I want to!), but I have to move on and be open to the idea of other people...if he contacts me and we work it out great, but if not, I have not put my life on hold waiting and hoping for him to come back...I think that that is the happy medium, them knowing we care, but that we also need to live our lives...what do you think?

That sounds like the best thing. That way you will know you did everything right. If I knew that he did not want me, I could move on, but he has not said that. We do need to support each other. My friends do not understand and get tired of me talking about it. They do not understand. I am afraid though that this no contact thing will backfire and will will also stop thinking of me. I do not know what to do? What if he never calls again? I should prob try to move on but have a little hope that he is ok and will come back. THe last time he stopped it was becasue his soon to be ex wife somehow got a PI on him and he got scared. THey pulled his phone and crdit card record too. He got really scared. The wk prior to him ignoring me, he said he was so confused and I said "about us" and he said no about what is going on with the div. I know it has something to do with that. Also he has a crazy job too that is stressful. I hope when I was mad I did not offend him in any way. I have to believe he will ocme around. After the card you send will you do anything else? Or just wait? I do not know how to send a message thru this? DO you have email? Or then everyone would see it right? I will try and figure out the message system on this. How do you occupy your time? DO you think of him a lot?

Funny (not really), I use sleep as a way of escape too...as a way of not having to think about him for a while....it's just been the last couple of days that I have not been sleeping all day.....if I go out and do anything, it's like I am mentally exhausted and have to lay down and sleep/cry......jeez, are they worth it?! '

I think I will just start to move on down the road, maybe the right gal is out there waiting on me. I will start out as a friend, then maybe I can see what happens from there, then if the X calls I will be stronger and make her wait on me for a few days before I make contact. In the meantime I will start the healing process and if someone enters my life other than the X so be it. Afterall I poured out my heart to her and she treated me like she could care less.

I will make no contact with her not to even get my stuff back, I cant afford the pain right now and the stuff can be replaced. If what she said to the mimister that she knows she wont find a better man than me is true, maybe with time that light will start to brighten in her mind and she will see it and call, until then, I am free and will get help to heal and see what is out there to see.

Does this make and sense?

Thanks, String

I went shopping over the weekend and I love to shop...I stopped halfway thru and went home crying becasue I heard our song in a dressing room. Pathetic I know! SOngs really get to me for some reason. I guess either way I will be ok. I love him, but never want to have to beg someone to want me. But still what if we really never talk again? That is scary for me. When do we call? After how long? How can they just not miss us? Maybe I cannot understand a stressful life like his. I have never been married, have no kids and have 9-5 job. He is the opposite. I trust that God is watching over me. If he never calls, one day when I am happy with my family, I will look back and know why he never called...better things were waiting for me!

I think that after I sent him a card, I will not contact him until his b-day in October when I will send him another card and then Christmas, i.e. holildays or about once a month, no more. He goes to jail end of October and I have a feeling that at this point, he will not contact me until he gets there because he doesn't want to see me and get close and then have to deal with losing me again in addition to having to go to jail.....I will just let him know every once in a while that I am thinking about him and go on with my life. He and I did not date that long, but being summer and me being off from work and him working nights, we were together all day, every day and things went very fast...we are both divorced being the ones left and I know that we both have our wounds/fears because of this. I know that there is no guarantee that my caring will help, but at least I will know that he knew that I cared and I think that that will give me peace that I did not give up on something special.....He told me that he had only felt this way before 1x in his life...I don't want to give you my email because it's my full name and everyone will see it, but I think there is a way that you can message me directly through this place...thought I noticed that some where. Yea, I have been mean too and hope that I didn't ruin it because of this, but on the other hand, I am human and am not sure that any human could have reacted without emotion to something so out of the blue....I DID NOT EXPECT THIS AT ALL....he completely caught me off guard.

Yikes, are we twins separated at birth?! This is getting weird...I too have had to leave places and just come home and crash so I could cry...I even had to get rid of the groceries that I bought for him because they reminded me of him....but like you, I don't EVER want to be with someone who I have to beg for love, so despite the pain that this causes me, if this doesn't work out, I try to think that there is a reason and that hopefuly, one day, like you, I will look back and understand...it still hurts though and I go through strong and weak periods...feeling strong right now...am going out for a while, but promise to write you back later. Hang in there!

Thanks...have a good night and I will reply later too. At least you know why he is being distant. I have no idea what is going on. I am going to try and move on, but will always wonder if I should try to call again...time will tell. I know that if I sent a card, he would not respond. It would make me madder. the thing is, i have always been there for him and I do not get it? I guess I have to tell myself that this is how he deals. Talk at ya later!

Thanks for posting that...my ex fiance left me 6 months ago...needing "space".

Ive contacted him a few times and especially by mail... does this apply to sending letters as well?

I never get any response from him. I just need to talk to him. Because its sooo unlike him to do this.

If he has not contacted you in 6 months then you should move on, he has, yes it hurts and I know this is not what you want to hear, but if you read all of the posts here you will see it to be true. If that is you in the pic then you can have any man you desire, go find one that does want you!

JUST FOUND OUT LAST NIGHT FROM MY HAIRDRESSER THAT MY BF THAT NEEDED SPACE WAS ACTUALLY SEEING SOMEONE ELSE BEHIND MY BACK.....I DON'T WANT TO DISCOURAGE ANY OF YOU, BUT FIRST AND FOREMOST, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...THERE ARE ALOT OF DISHONEST, DECEITFUL PEOPLE OUT THERE. I AM DEVASTATED.

i don't know how no contact is helping my ex and i really can't think about it. i have to focus on me. maybe in a few months when i'm much better, i can allow myself to think about what he's been dealing with. all i do know is that the no contact thing has helped to calm me in a way that nothing else has in a long time. i can finally feel a little bit of faith in my own dignity and have a little pride in myself. no longer am i behaving like a desperate idiot that can't let it go. it's also a great source of inspiration and support to come here and read about others going through what i'm going through. it's wonderful to be able to talk to y'all and to help each other out when we need it.

just wanted to say thanks.