i cheated,he wants out now what?

i need some serious help! i have been w/my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and i am truly inlove w/ him . i plan my whole life around him and my two kids (not his). he and i were supposed 2b moving to miami later this month and we had been planning this since may. well he was not working and i was feeling underappreciated so i started talking to a guy "friend" at work about my problems. he made me feel better and we talked all the time. soon our frieldly talks became flirty and then he would say things that my boyfriend didnt like how he thought i smelled nice and im beautiful and he liked my body or whatever. he was always full of compliments. i was not physically attracted to this guy but the conversations escalated and we would talk late at night when he was working the over night shift. he called my house and my boyfriend found the # on the caller id. i lied about it of course and sd i didnt know who it was. that guy and i hung out after i got out of wk one afternoon n he started masturbating in front of me. he came n i cleaned it up. 2 days later on july 4th night my boyfriend was still not into me and we went to sleep. i woke up around 4 and called that guy. i went to his house and we talked. we talked 4 a long time. i knew i shouldnt have gone. i kept thinking about my boyfriend. then i started feeling bad bcuz the other guy kept saying u r gonna lv me here n not hang out w/me n stuff.so then it ended up he did the same thing as b4 but i gave him oral sex that lasted a min.i started crying and felt like i wanted to die. then my boyfriend kept calling my cell phn over n over. finally after i left i answered n he asked me where i was. i paused 4 a while and started crying. ilied. he knew i lied bcuz he passed by this guys house 2x while i had been there. well 2weeks later he finally learns the whole truth. the phone calls the text msgs and the guy told him bout hte oral sex. i love this guy so much. i dont know y i was so selfish. y was i so vulnerable. he wants 2 leave but i dont want it 2 be over. what should i do?

"well he was not working and i was feeling underappreciated so i started talking to a guy "friend" at work about my problems." First, why didn't you just talk to your bf and tell him how you felt, instead of going to someone else?

"he made me feel better and we talked all the time. soon our frieldly talks became flirty and then he would say things that my boyfriend didnt like how he thought i smelled nice and im beautiful and he liked my body or whatever. he was always full of compliments. i was not physically attracted to this guy but the conversations escalated and we would talk late at night when he was working the over night shift. he called my house and my boyfriend found the # on the caller id. i lied about it of course and sd i didnt know who it was."

Why did you lie to him about it? He is your bf whom you love so much, there should be no secrets,lies,etc..

"that guy and i hung out after i got out of wk one afternoon n he started masturbating in front of me. he came n i cleaned it up."

"2 days later on july 4th night my boyfriend was still not into me and we went to sleep"

Maybe he already suspected something??

.

"i woke up around 4 and called that guy. i went to his house and we talked. we talked 4 a long time. i knew i shouldnt have gone. i kept thinking about my boyfriend."

Im sorry, but if you kept thinking about your boyfriend, you would never have went there to begin with..

"so then it ended up he did the same thing as b4 but i gave him oral sex that lasted a min.i started crying and felt like i wanted to die."

It shouldnt have gotten as far as him jackin off, you should have felt just as bad when that happened...Actually, should have never went there to begin with...

"well 2weeks later he finally learns the whole truth. the phone calls the text msgs and the guy told him bout hte oral sex".

So, the guy you messed around with told your bf what happened,etc?? You should have been honest to begin with to your man to begin with....What did this guy get out of telling him, if he did??

"i love this guy so much. i dont know y i was so selfish. y was i so vulnerable. he wants 2 leave but i dont want it 2 be over. what should i do?"

I feel bad...For you man....Mine cheated on me, and it destroys a person..Its not right, but i do believe in second chances...Have you and him seriously talked about it, why it happened, all the details, ya know?? I think if it were me in yer position, i would be doing any and everything i possibly could to prove to him that I want him and only him..that you love him, and made a mistake...Stay away from the other guy..Don't even talk to him, its not fair to your man....Prove to him that you won't cheat again, and that he can trust you...It takes time, but Im sure if you try hard enough and work at it, things could be alright....

Good Luck to you...

i think she knows she shouldn't have done that stuff but we're trying to solve this dilemma. just sit down with ur guy and tell him how u really feel and tell him that u wanna be able to talk to him about your problems and not run to someone else

eyehatesmilin:

First of all, let me commend you on your life. What you are going through is no easy task. I mean, you have to raise two little kids, a big kid, with a shift job. I can only imagine the stress and strain on your body and soul! No wonder why you are in this situaiton!

I am not saying that your actions are justified (if I were the boyfriend I would do the same), but it also pains me to see how you are being taken advantage of and left you totally confused. Whilst you bring this upon yourself, I do not believe the fault is entirely yours.

Consider this:

1) Why would a co-worker so understanding

a) Jerked off in front of you, and

b) Told your BF about the deed after you turned him down?

2) Your BF ...

a) Why is he unemployed, and

b) Why did you feel underappreciated (since he's not working he should

at least be taking care of the kids and the house for you ... pitching in,

so to speak)

Methinks both are taking advantage of your situation. One is "leaching" off you and doesn't care about your situation and do whatever he can to help you out. At the very least he should make himself useful. On the other hand, your co-worker friend sees a potential rift in your relationship and is trying to close in for the kill. What he did to you confirmed my belief. I think that, a woman of your will and strength, should deserve someone more worthy than any of these two combined.

Perhaps you should see this as a blessing in disguise. Remember the song "I will survive"? You have shown considerable strength accepting the responsibility (the kids and your big kid) and held on to them as long as you are able. I think you can definitely survive this.

Best of luck, and smile (you'll never know, it does wonders even in the worst of times)!

BW.

maybe if you really loved him and wanted to "plan your life" around him you wouldn't sleep around? who wants to be with a woman who will sleep around on you because things get tough? i was married to a woman like that, divorced her, and Praise God she is gone. I pray for him that he has the strength to continue to push you away until you finally go away because you are a cheater, and if you are doing it now you will do it later. no man, or woman, in their right mind that isn't a swinger wants to be with an adulterer/adulteress for the rest of their life.

i dont believe in that once a cheater always a cheater thing. if u honestly think that after seeing his face that day that i would ever want to see that look in his eyes again u must be off. i didnt sleep around with this guy. it was in fact the biggest mistake i have ever made in my life. i have tried to talk to him but it is just him having the thought of me being w/ that guy that turns his stomach and he doesnt know if it will ever get out of his head. the b/f wasnt working bcuz the jobs are tight around here. his car was broken and so we were sharing mine. even if he had not found out that day, it still would have been the end.if i really wanted to hangout w/ this other guy i could have. i had nor have any desire to see him again. if anyone has been cheated on and gave a 2nd chance, how long was your grieving period and did it take 2 start to regainn trust 4 that person.

ezragizzein

New Member

Registered: Aug 2004

Location:

Post: 4 | Quote:

why do you beat around other little details carla? if you are really seeking advice then mention everything instead of making me out to be the cause of the whole incident. ive told her and ive tried leaving several times in the past. she never wanted me to go but i told her if im making her situation that bad that i can just leave and she wont have to worry about me. she always insisted on me staying with her at her house. it was her idea for me to move in with her in the first place knowing i didnt have a job then even but finally i did because i been going over to her house so much and had been staying with her all the time but i still refused even to this day to move my stuff in, i only had a few things like clothes and movies and stuff over there. she would hide my keys, she would hide my other personal stuff so i couldnt leave, and she would threaten to slash my tires-which she finally got around to doing because i tried to leave after i found out recently she cheated on me. even 2 weeks or so while she was right in the middle of talking heavily to this guy before i had any idea about him we had an argument and i was seriously on my way out. i was gathering my stuff and everything but she kept taking everything and putting it back and finally i calmed and we talked about it and i ended up staying which i very much so regret now. so everything was seemingly a bit stable then. i continued looking for a job because i knew how everything was and it wasnt like i didnt even make any effort to get a job but everyone i think knows how hard it is to find work right now at this time. maybe i could have tried even harder to find a job but i did make an effort and had several job interviews and applied at several places but it just wasnt working out for me. so me and a friend decided to start a lawn mowing service just to help ends meet. this was all going on during the month she was talking to the guy by the way. so i did begin to have a source of some kind of income, i mean it wasnt much but it was good for me to get by temporarily. i did this and continued looking for permanant work at the same time. i finally called the place that i used to work at about a week before i suspected her of anything and asked for my old job back and they said theyll see what they can do. so i keep mowing yards until i would hear something and i continued applying at other places and one day i come home while she is gone and i notice the unusual number on the phone that called 3 different times. next i check the redial and notice that she dialed the same number back. so then i start to suspect something. welll after that we all know what happed as carla mentioned in her post. she, in any way she could, did everything for me to not find out what really happened. she got her sisters and friends to lie to me and everything. but as time went on everything slowly unfolded because of me going out of my way and making my own efforts to find out what really happened because i knew she was lying and she would never tell me the whole truth because she knew if i found out what she did that there would be no way i was going to stay with her. its really weird that someone would want to keep someone around even after the other person finds out about what happened and the still want to keep them around. i mean she had many other options to choose from that might have helped her situation. and doing what she did! how the **** is that helping anything? how is that making stuff between me and her any better, wither i find out about it or not? the move to miami, we called that off 3 months ago because i knew i wouldnt be able to do it because of my financial situation. we at first postponed it until early next year and then the whole idea kinda just started to fade anyway. so that does not in any major way play a part or lead up to what ended up happening. back when we first started hanging out, about 6 months after we started talking and she was really liking me alot and we were what she called "exclusive" with eachother, she goes and hangs out with the guy she was with before me 2 different times and she is at his house for an hour or longer both times. this is a guy she used to have sex with and she really liked but he didnt want a relationship with her before so they werent really a couple for very long. a month or so after that guy is when she met me and started talking to me. she hated this guy from what she told me, he was such a big a**h*** and she and her friends couldnt stand him. so what the **** after shes been talking to me for 5 or 6 months does she need to go and hang out at this "a**h***s" house for. she tells me she went to get her stuff that she left at her old job which is where he worked to and where they met. all she had to show for that was a ****ing gay ass little calender. what a ****in important calender that must have been. and i ask why she was there for so long and why she had to go 2 times and she says- "we were just talking". remember this is a guy she used to have sex with and everything and she really liked at one time. wow thats weird that when i first caught her at this other guys house recently after i call her out on her first big lie about it she tells me she was there just talking to him because they were friends. **** that i didnt think even back then that she had any business at that guys house so i didnt care too much about my and hers relationship after that. so i dont believe that this recent time is the only time she has done this even though she denies that anything happened back then just like she denied that anything happpened at first a month ago but turns out something did. but anyway over time we became very close and she eventually tells me shes in love with me knowing before that i wasnt that kind of guy, that i wasnt into being like that. but she doesnt want to let me leave. and several times i tried to leave, all the way from the time she went to her old "friends" house back then when we were hanging out up until the past few weeks. i know if i really wanted to i could have but a part of me didnt because i did like her alot i just didnt like things that she did. i have been cheated on by other girls in the past that i liked so i really dont carry much trust for anyone in my life. but anyway this is everything i know almost except some other stuff about carlas past that tells me how everything that has happened between me and her isnt much of a suprise but i am not going to mention any of that because there is really no reason to. so anyone with advice, what do you think i should do? i honestly dont want to have to wake up everyday and see her and always know in the back of my head what she has done.

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yea i went and got stuff from this guys house but that was all. ishouldve not gotten it or even better asked him to go w/me but i didnt think about it.i thought me telling him was enough.i didnt really know that he thought that about me until later.but that i guess has alot to do w/ it now. the whole time he was all ****ty and only giving half-ass to this relationship was bcuz he thought i has cheated on him w/ that dude.we talked bout lie detector tests and all that. he wants me to mention that they can be inaccurate and that i brought that up. but i know 4sure that I DID NOT mess around on him until that dumbass mistake i made recently. he had been cheated on in the past and assummed that i was that way. 4 the whole beg of our relationship he'd be like yea girls are sluts. they r all that way. i do have problems w/ body image bcuz ive had 2 kids n i feel like he doesnt like my body sometimes. so we wouldnt have sex or kiss or cuddle-all bcuz he THOUGHT that i had cheated on him b4. since he doesnt tell me this i assume he is not attracted 2me. i had been through this b4 w/my ex hubby.he made me have this way of thinkin like if we arent doin it then yea u make me sick. so when my b/f did that iwould ask him whats up n hed be like i dont wanna.ok y did he not tell me if it was such a bfdeal? this all built up. me giving him my all. of course ididnt want him 2 lv. i figured we could wk it out.i figured hed get a job or calm down on the daily drinking.i wanted 2 help him. but in the end all i did was hurt him.its all blurry now. that whole month. but u cant take it back.i have 2 live w/this 4ever.he could never marry me ( even though we dont do that) bcuz of what i did. this is something though im sure that i would never do again. i told my daughter bout it cuz he and i were arguing a lot, and that hurt. she really likes him. i hurt telling her how slutty her mom was. that is not something i ever want to dod again. if i could only have 3 people in my life those 3 are the ones id choose. they make me happy.

Originally posted by eyehatesmilin

yea i went and got stuff from this guys house but that was all. ishouldve not gotten it or even better asked him to go w/me but i didnt think about it.i thought me telling him was enough.i didnt really know that he thought that about me until later.but that i guess has alot to do w/ it now.

 

FROM MY POST EARLIER--> she tells me she went to get her stuff that she left at her old job which is where he worked to and where they met. all she had to show for that was a ****ing gay ass little calender. what a ****in important calender that must have been. and i ask why she was there for so long and why she had to go 2 times and she says- "we were just talking". remember this is a guy she used to have sex with and everything and she really liked at one time. wow thats weird that when i first caught her at this other guys house recently after i call her out on her first big lie about it she tells me she was there just talking to him because they were friends.

Originally posted by eyehatesmilin

yea i went and got stuff from this guys house but that was all. ishouldve not gotten it or even better asked him to go w/me but i didnt think about it.i thought me telling him was enough.i didnt really know that he thought that about me until later.but that i guess has alot to do w/ it now.

 

FROM MY POST EARLIER--> she tells me she went to get her stuff that she left at her old job which is where he worked to and where they met. all she had to show for that was a ****ing gay ass little calender. what a ****in important calender that must have been. and i ask why she was there for so long and why she had to go [color=darkred]2 times and she says- "we were just talking"[/color]. remember this is a guy she used to have sex with and everything and she really liked at one time. wow thats weird that when i first caught her at this other guys house recently after i call her out on her first big lie about it she tells me she was there just talking to him because they were friends.

eyehatesmilin:

I don't believe this ... my recent ex (as of a couple hours ago) told me the same jerk-off story. They went a little further (but not all the way). I told her perhaps it's really time to give each other some space and time. She agreed.

Strangely, I don't feel jealous, sad or disappointed. In fact I was relieved that she trusted me enough to tell me. The strange thing is that, despite this, I think we will still be very close to each other for a long time.

Like, she is one of those exes I don't mind inviting to my wedding, and I will gladly go to hers!

and ... YES ... I am single again! (Austin Powers theme song playing in background ... maybe not so upbeat)

BW.

wow,bm, im sorry to hear bout that.i guess that u guys know what u want 2 do more or less. i know 4 sure that i wanna b w/ my bf but he is still unsure. he knows that he loves me n everything, but he also hates knowing what i did. i know that u are hurt, but do u think that u can 4give her or even see her past the whole cheating thing or will tha always b in the back of your head when u look at her or think about her?

wow,bw, im sorry to hear bout that.i guess that u guys know what u want 2 do more or less. i know 4 sure that i wanna b w/ my bf but he is still unsure. he knows that he loves me n everything, but he also hates knowing what i did. i know that u are hurt, but do u think that u can 4give her or even see her past the whole cheating thing or will tha always b in the back of your head when u look at her or think about her?

eyehatesmilin...............

What a big mess! Now both of you are on here airing your dirty laundry....to you I say you should have NEVER tried to "make" him stay with you, you deserve to have someone love you and be by yourside by of their chosing without you having to persuade them..

Also since you cheated why hang on...the relationship didn't make you happy so let go, let him move on, you move on and learn from mistakes.....

thats obviously easier sd than done. he n i are talking about stuff which in way is very therapeutic. he has never talked to me about so much b4. i cant say its the best but i like that we are talking. im glad that we are still doing that. the thing is i dont wanna let him go. all the things that were wrong b4 r right but with one big f-up in the way.

Lady, I hope this guy is smart enough to leave you. You seem like a friggin nutcase. You hide his keys and slash his tires because he wants to end the relationship? Yeah...you're real stable, babydoll. Then after all that crazy BS, you end up giving some guy a bj and watching him jerk off? Oh, that's classy. So he has to put up with that crap, plus your two kids that aren't his? Psh. Ezra, oh my brother, you need to RUN. Hope she doesn't try and chloroform you as you walk out the door. I wouldn't put it past her.

he had been cheated on in the past and assummed that i was that way. 4 the whole beg of our relationship he'd be like yea girls are sluts. they r all that way.

Good job proving him right...

in case u missed their other thread-cheating-my g/f on 2 1/2 yrs cheated on me- she also mentioned that she hid his keys when he tried to leave and drive drunk. not end the relationship. he sd he left many times and came bk on his own. is she a nut for loving the man so much. of coursse he had nothing to do w/ it either. u think its ok to treat your gal like poop bcuz u assumed that she did something but didnt come out and ask her. it seems like they both have some problems there. but nothing that cant be worked out. she doestn want 2 let go. he couldnt let her know how he felt and treated her crappy. she cheated and is ultimately sorry. that she did that doesnt mean shes a slut. she made a mistake that she regrets and that shows she feels remorse and really, truly cares 4 her b/f. she is willing to take lie detector tests and give her everything to him, that shows love not @craziness@. so buddy u should reread the whole thing and pay closer attention b4 u make some smartass uninformes remark. they are asking 4 help and all u do is bash.

Maybe it's just that neither you nor your boyfriend are mature enough to have a committed relationship.

Wow noseyrosie, you don't sound like eyehatesmilin at ALL.

Pathetic.

Originally posted by eyehatesmilin

wow,bw, im sorry to hear bout that.i guess that u guys know what u want 2 do more or less. i know 4 sure that i wanna b w/ my bf but he is still unsure. he knows that he loves me n everything, but he also hates knowing what i did. i know that u are hurt, but do u think that u can 4give her or even see her past the whole cheating thing or will tha always b in the back of your head when u look at her or think about her?

Sorry, eyehatesmilin, I was outta town for two weeks and am now catching up on my internet messaging

To be quite honest, the whole thing didn't really bother me at all. She has been very honest and open with me with other things as well, and that's part of the reason we are still in talking terms. I didn't see the whole incident as a "fault" so there was no blame or forgiveness involved (at least on my part). We just realised that the relationship would not work, whether the incident occurred or not. The fact that it happened made us think more.

I have to admit it would be quite tricky if I do want her back. In theory I have to really keep this thing in the past and never bring this up again. The truth is, that it will. Every future argument will be an opportunity to bring up the past. I know women do that a lot, but I am not sure about guys.

BW.