Mixed signals from Ex -- what does she want?

Any advice for this messy situation.

Alright here is my break-up story. I had been going out with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. One and a half in the same city, and then 1 year LD. She's moving back to the city I am living in next week. We were supposed to move in together, when I totally got scared and about 2 months ago mentioned that we should maybe take a break to make sure we were doing the right thing.

While we saw each other once a month, we were become a little hostile to each other. Also, we had both mentioned that we had been getting hit on by people that we worked with, and I stated maybe we need to pursue these interests to get it out of our system before we move in together.

She was in tears for a few days calling me, asking me if I really wanted to take a break or not. I said I am not sure I need a few days to figure it out. She then mentioned not moving in right away, but when she was here we pretty much spent every night together anyways so I did'nt really see the point. I just wanted to make sure.

So I took a few days to decide what I wanted, and when I did phone her to say I don't want to have a break and maybe we should just take a little bit of time in the same city before we move in, she said No. I think it is a good idea for us to have a break I feel like I have been depending on you for too much and have'nt really been myself around you.

So at first I was like "cool we're on a break it's alright". We still called each other and asked how each other's dating pursuits were going, gave each other advice, it was like we were heading in the right direction. All of sudden one phone call a couple of weeks after the "break" she said she wanted this to be a break up, and that she did'nt think we should tell each other that we still love each other and that she can see herself being happy moving here and not going out with me. She then said she would phone me in a few days.

A few days became 2 weeks, and I knew she had taken the guy she was pursuing, to a wedding I was supposed to attend. So during this time, I went on a couple dates that were just plain bad because I realized I was only thinking of my relationship and how I wish I was talking to my ex.

So she phoned me and I told her how much of a mistake I had made by suggesting the break and that I want to be with her, and how I just needed to make sure I was doing the right thing. She said that she had been standing still all year and was finally the person she really wanted to be. She then told me to get some confidence because that wasn't her job anymore, and that I didn't want to sound like this to her.

Next call two weeks later. She phones me and right away tells me that She misses me. I ask her if that means that she's considering going out again, and she quickly says forget I said anything. She just wants to be friends, and that she does'nt have feeling's for me anymore, at least not more than friendship feelings. She than tells me she's coming up to where I live to look for a place and wants to go out to dinner with me.

So we go out and I tell her I want her back etc. and she just tells me that she can't believe she was so deeply involved and that she was ready to marry me, which scares her and that she has to move on. We walk to her car, when she starts crying and hugs me and says that she does have feelings for me when she sees me in person and that she is really confused.

Then... she says she has been sleeping with this guy she's been seeing but that he means nothing and that the last thing she needs in her life is a relationship, and that they have an "arrangement". She then proceeds to cut down the guy, tells me the sex is bad and that I am way better in bed. Then she proceeds to kiss me and then says we can't make - out so we talk for awhile and say we will hang out tomorrow, I say that I love her approach to kiss her get turned away and walk back to my car.

She calls me the next day says we can't hang out, it's just pouring salt on the wound. I get super pissed at her, and say I thought you wanted to be friends and tell her I'm just going to keep calling her til she hangs out. I grab hold of myself and don't call her. I assume that she just goes back home and I don't talk to her for three weeks.

During this time she e-mails me a couple of times and I don't reply, mainly because she's just telling me about her life as if we're just friends and everything is fine between us.

I receive a teary eyed message on my phone from her, so I call her. She tells me how she misses me, she can't believe our relationship is over and that she regrets the way she has been treating me and knows now how I must feel. She then says "i don't want to get back together though, but I've been thinking about it. "

I tell her how she literally broke my heart and how I feel so strong for her and love her and want us to try again,and that she's confusing me and then she flicks a switch.

I just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you, I still need to be by myself and that she doesn't think I should be confused because she has made it clear.

I then decided to take a 6 hour trip to where she lives and knocked on her door at 1:00am. She is surprised to see me and invites me in. I don't know what I wanted her to say I just wanted her to see me and show her how sad I am without her and that I 'm not making things up on the phone. We go to bed together in the same bed spooning and snuggling all night.

We wake up and she gets angry at me for coming,and I try to tell her that I just want her back she then tells me that she know's I'm not the one and that if we get back together we will just break up again, and that I should move on.

I haven't talked to her for a week,and know that I have to wait for her to contact me, but I feel like the n/c worked and then I blew it by not playing it cool.

Did I mess this up? Should I have hope? Any advice would be great

Sorry for the long windedness, I just had to get this off my chest.

Dude... you gave me the Tip I needed to get her back.

Here's my story.

Met that girl last year... fell in love with her on sight. I could tell she had a thing for me even if she had a boyfriend. A few months later, I'm the first to learn she broke with him... ain't that the green flag !

Took my time and we finally got together after I invited her to spend the weekend home. (early june)

We didn't do much but cuddling... even tho that was great.

we had some complications... her dad hating me, he work schedule being "on call" and both living far from eachother. So we spent the summer talkin' thru the phone.

We finally got to setup a date at the shopping mall, spent the whole day together... that was great. But when I tried to kiss her goodbye, she avoided my kiss and leaned on my chest... (K.O. Punched...)

I called her the same night and asked why... that lead to her "wanting to be alone". I don't know if it's a break or a clear dumping... but she did give me at least 2 of those dreaded lines...

It's not you, it's me.

I need time to think...

So, I tried my best to convince her to reconsider and finally agreed with her choice. (early august)

Last week she called me asking me if I'd be mad at her when we'd see eachother in college. She also asked me "How would you react if I take you in my arms ?"

my answer: "Friends don't do that" (like Red Forman in That 70's Show)

her answer: "Of course not..."

She then told me she still felt something for me.

We talked a bit more about classes and stuff, which I wasn't too interested...

Then I told her "I ain't against trying again... once you get rid of that mess in yer head"

Talked a bit more and then hanged up.

The day after, in College, I met her (I can't apply the No Contact rule in college, we can't avoid eachother on purpose... but I can still stay "cool"), told her she looked good... we ate together... talked some more...

Then I told her I'd let her read somekind of Journal I held since I'm with her...

fast forward to Tonight... What a Jerk I am... I ain't going to give her all that ammo !

Time for the man to temper his balls with die-cast steel ! eheh

I'll let her dry on most thing. When I'll see her I'm still gonna act cool but I'm never going to Invite her or anything... she'll come or end up dating a jerk. In either way... I'll still have the pride of not kneeling. I do love her, I do want us to be together again... but what good will it be if I'm still the guy trying too hard ?

Thx alot on that tip man... I'll keep you informed on my own case !

stem primarily from the girl. She is the master at giving mixed signals... This girl's actions are constantly conflicting her words. She always affirms that there is no chance to get back together with you but yet spoons with you in bed. I don't know about you, but when I spoon with somebody in bed, I'm thinkin'...gee, I think I might get some tender lovin' some time soon and not "by the way, we're not right for each other, you're not the one, etc."

Here comes my evolutionary biologist's professional opinion:

The verdict is that this girl is wack, and to fix her problems or to have another chance of any sort...you need to work on falling for another person for now. You may say that she is just confused and is battling her feelings for you internally. But guess what, that is just your male ego talking. Women evolved to be better than men in relationships, that's why they are given the divine duty to provide love and care for our offsprings (sorry if I sound sexist, but it's true!) Therefore, naturally, they know how to work it...they know how to manuever the male psyche as well as a fish knows how to swim. Your girl's subconscience is currently thinking you are not fit somehow to be her baby's daddy. She is string you along for two reasons: 1. she has spent a lot of emotional energy with you before, so it would be really hard for her to cut you cold (hence the teary eyes, etc.) Factoid: It is very common for women to require continued emotional output from their exes, even when they know there's no future (cruel huh?). 2. She is trying to prove to herself how unfit you are as the father of her potential baby by having control over you. Look, as soon as she leaves a sobbing message, you flock over like a male servant. Women don't want male servants...they want leaders of the pack. Leaders traditionally provide well in nature... and leaders usually do the picking of females. (so not to anyone's surprise, men who are dogs still get good women, it's all evolutionary biology!)

Anyway, drop her for now and go meet and fall for someone else. Your bonds are deep so she will always be around. Your mission is to look more delicious and capable than any other men in her life now. And the best way is to show her how you got it going on with other females. Get women to swoon all over you...she'll come around.

Good luck,

Draco

Thanks Draco,

Yeah , it's weird I feel like if I would've just acted non-chalant the first time she called me crying, it would somehow make her think more about us, but what I'm doing is simply pushing her away.

She just moved here a few days ago so we're in the same city again, but I made a smart decision and brought all the stuff that I had of hers over to her new place before she came so I would'nt have to see her.

Yeah some new ladies would really help, looks like I'm back in the game.

Umm, my opinion is this, She wants you on the back burner, so if it falls thru with someone else, you are there, so lets keep you not knowing what is going on so you continue to do the things you are doing and she is getting everything she wants gets you to open up and say lets make this work and then gets mad at you to make you look like you have done something wrong.

She wants what she wants and she has a back up plan in place.

She is totally playing your emotions.

If I were you I would not let it happen anymore. She sees she is controlling the situation now, think of what it may be at a later time.