Personal Preferences in Dating: Is Our Focus too Superficial?

There seems to be quite an interest in discussing whether or not certain personal preferences are appropriate in dating.

- How much emphasis should we place on height, hair colour, weight, etc.?

- What role if any do these factors play in a successful relationship and marriage?

- In North America has our focus become too superficial?

- Is this the reason that the divorce rate is so high?

- What are the most important factors for building a long term relationship?

- What criteria SHOULD we be using to decide who to date and marry?

For those who want to explore these issues:

I have opened this thread....enjoy.

yes our preferences are too superfical many times but that is reality so we must live with it.

someone either likes you or they do not. there is not much you can do about it.

Originally posted by Topaze

There seems to be quite an interest in discussing whether or not certain personal preferences are appropriate in dating.

 

- How much emphasis should we place on height, hair colour, weight, etc.?

- What role if any do these factors play in a successful relationship and marriage?

- In North America has our focus become too superficial?

- Is this the reason that the divorce rate is so high?

- What are the most important factors for building a long term relationship?

- What criteria SHOULD we be using to decide who to date and marry?

 

 

For those who want to explore these issues:

 

I have opened this thread....enjoy.

it's whatever you want because that's how it goes.

Originally posted by GirlDown

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so discrimination is okay as long as it's not your race? what a two-faced bucket of shyt. ( not you, the idea.)

 

 

let's not forget that the word "racial" doesn't in itself mean something bad, you just take it that way. it's a description for a certain type of circumstantial situation. you hear "racial" and automatically think "discrimination."

 

if it is a racial issue, it's only because characteristics of certain races are unattractive to certain people. that's all that makes the situation racial. so what? it's not rude, it's fine and acceptable for people to like what they like, and not like what they don't. some people don't say it nicely. maybe you're discriminating againts someone's personality because they don't sugarcoat something that hurts your feelings.

 

 

so basically, it only becomes an issue because it's deemed "racial" ? please.

 

i'm so tired of the banality of this dichotomy.

By mistake I deleted my reply to this post. Here it is again.

I agree with you. Racial discrimination is just one aspect. In North America, we place WAY too much emphasis on factors that have NOTHING to do with compatibility. Then we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. What do hair colour, breast size, etc. have to do with getting along with someone over the course of several decades. A woman isn't going to look the same at 75 as she does at 25 so why do we waste so much time on things that don't matter. If we stopped automatically ruling people out because they don't meet some rigid set of physical criteria, we would be a LOT better off.

I found the list in a format that I could cut and paste. Here are the factors that have the greatest bearing on the success of a relationship over the long haul. Doesn't it make sense that we should devote the bulk of our time and energy when dating into assessing factors like these rather than focusing on superficial things.

Please note that Appearance is nubmer 12 on the list and this is the definition that is used. Note it has to do with you you FEEL about yourself and consider yourself to be attractive. Self esteem has a huge role to play in this :

I don't believe in that eHarmony mess. I could find more than half or ALL of those characteristics in an asian guy and still not want to date him because I just don't find him attractive. We might be great friends and I might fix him up with a friend if she thinks he is cute... but I won't personally find him attractive.

Well I won't comment on eharmony. I was just sharing the research that had been conducted about compatibility and agreeing with you that the focus is at times way too superficial in the dating process.

Originally posted by CurvyGurl

I don't believe in that eHarmony mess.

Neil Clark Warren is a buffoon and charlatan. What a joke, 29 dimension of compatibliity. What a frikkin' lark.

Curvy, the point is that we place WAY too much emphasis on attraciveness in North America and the definition of what's attractive is way too narrow.

Neil Clark Warren is a buffoon and charlatan. What a joke, 29 dimension of compatibliity. What a frikkin' lark

Oh really, Alpha. Then what do you consider essential for a relationship to succeed? Or, as the original poster asked:

What are the most important factors for building a long term relationship?

- What criteria SHOULD we be using to decide who to date and marry?

Originally posted by Topaze

How much emphasis should we place on height, hair colour, weight, etc.?

 

What role if any do these factors play in a successful relationship and marriage?

None......because happy, long-term marriages are successful due to both partners sharing an equal level of COMMITTMENT in the relationship.

- How much emphasis should we place on height, hair colour, weight, etc.?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has a certain idea on what "beauty" is. What is attractive to me, may or may not be to another person.

- What role if any do these factors play in a successful relationship and marriage?

Obviously, you have to be attracted to the person you're with in -some- way, shape or form.

- In North America has our focus become too superficial?

For the general population- probably, but as long as you're okay with what you believe, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

- Is this the reason that the divorce rate is so high?

No, the divorce rate is so high, probably because when things get tough, (most) people want out. It's a "fight or flight" kinda thing

- What are the most important factors for building a long term relationship?

That's different for everyone. For me it's trust and honesty.

- What criteria SHOULD we be using to decide who to date and marry?

Whatever works for the individual(s).

Race for me is a set of physical features. People of the black race have black skin and some people don't like black skin. Period. Don't date them.

If you really experienced bad racism all the guys on these online dating sites would not even bother to be interested in a friendship with you. You feel so badly hurt by people you don't know at all.

I'm not American, nor do I live there, so i cna't relaly comment on American culture, but on Western culture in general. I really don't think that attractiveness in looks plays as large a part in marriages as you think. I don't think people are marrying because of looks, I think the reasons so many marriages fail are wide and varied but the people marrying out of attractiveness is not really one of them.

If attractiveness was so important, only the slimest/muscliest, most beautiful people would get married. We all subconsciously match ourselves with someone who is of equal levels of attractivness as ourselves. Looks is what initially attracts us to a partner (especially if you don't know them) but it is personality that amkes you stay. Who is going to date someone for 2 years based entirely on how they look? I think most people find their datign partners attarctive in SOME Way - nice yes, a nice smile, nice shape generally. But they become more attractive to our eyes the more we fall in love with them, so someone talking about how beautiful their partner is, isn't talking purely aesthetics. It is coming from love tinted glasses.

Originally posted by Topaze

Curvy, the point is that we place WAY too much emphasis on attraciveness in North America and the definition of what's attractive is way too narrow.

well, TOPAZE....in this discussion we must also include intra-racial discrimination and preferences. meaning the discrimination that occurs with a race of the same people.

i constantly see successful black men (of which there are not many) with either white women of fair skinned black women.

You should also tell people that discrimination occurs within a race and that many times blacks of very dark skin are discriminated against, made fun of, and set aside by their own people. Just like blacks of light skin are treated better.

Why is it that on black TV shows almost all the women are lighter skinned with staightened hair? Or many of them are mixed race. Why is it? Cause that is what the black audience wants to see.

Yes, and they do discriminate in the Asian culture as well. I have had two individuals work for me, one from China and one from Thailand.

In China her parents discriminated against her husband because they said he was too short for her. They were concerned about his passing his shortness on to their grandchildren. They also didn't think, although he was a doctor, that he was of a social status to be marrying their daughter. They ran away to get married.

In Thailand the guys parents base who they want their son to marry by how much money the parents have and by the size of the girls lips if you can believe that.

It's everywhere, not just in North America.

I think you are right on one point. We DO tend to put too much emphasis on superficial characteristics. I don’t think that these superficial characteristics have anything to do with the divorce rate in the United States however. The reason I say this is because that argument presupposes that attractive people with nice boobies are less likely to work in a marriage thus making it more likely to end in a divorce.

I think a major problem with divorce in this country is attributable to the fact that we live in a disposable society where “if it doesn’t work, just throw it away.” Divorce is far more socially acceptable now than it was 50 years ago.

Yes that definitely is a part of it. But, if we are ruling out people based on superficial factors and not taking the time to evaluate what really counts in terms of a successful long term relationship, don't you think that's also part of the problem?

Originally posted by Topaze

Yes that definitely is a part of it. But, if we are ruling out people based on superficial factors and not taking the time to evaluate what really counts in terms of a successful long term relationship, don't you think that's also part of the problem?

As in your other forum, you continue to forget one HUGE thing!! You HAVE TO BE physically attracted to the person you are romantically involved with, otherwise you have a platonic friendship. Some things that you may be attracted to may be considered "superficial" to some, or even (gasp!!) racially discriminatory. But the fact of the matter remains that some people like big boobs, some people like ripped abs, some people like a round booty, etc. It's what THEY are attracted to. Move on with your life.

Birth control was also uncommon in the early part of the centrury, when marriages were less likely to end in divorce. Now, does this mean that these were HAPPY marriages? No. Many women actually died of exhaustion - they literally got pregnant and gave birth until their bodies disintegrated. No form of birth control, like condoms, was readily available. The pill liberated women in so many ways.

Hah. Maybe relationships lasted lifetimes back in the day because people died younger. Didja ever think of that? Why does everyone think that relationships were somehow better or stronger in the old days? My Dad grew up in the mountains, back in the 1920s/1930s....and there was a helluva lot of illegitimate children and infidelity going on.

Originally posted by Topaze

Curvy, the point is that we place WAY too much emphasis on attraciveness in North America and the definition of what's attractive is way too narrow.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Gawd. The ugly and stupid shall inherit the earth?

People are attracted to what they are attracted to. A combination of looks and personality. Are you saying that we should just all date people we find to be physically repulsive to fight the power?

It's not "the man" that's telling me that this or that guy is an ugly bastard.

No one has said anything about the good old days in this thread so I am not sure where your comments are coming from blind_otter. Please elaborate.

And another thing....the whole "Place Too Much Emphasis on Attractiveness"??

There are certain physical cues to signal health, fertility, and the ability and willingness to reproduce. Clear, smooth skin, thick hair, big shiney eyes, full lips, the hourglass figure with a specific waist-hip ratio, good teeth, good posture -- all of these things signal fertility and the ability to produce healthy offspring.

That's why we are genetically wired to respond specifically to physical characteristics. Reproduction, the genetic imperitive of ANY species, is not based, in any way, shape, or form, on "compatability" and Lord knows, the human species is not specifically monogamous and more likely to practice serial monogamy.

Evolutionary psychology people. Learn it, live it, LOVE IT.

On edit - racism isn't the same thing as "colorism" - which is practiced within races. In my mother's country, for example, women AND men with lighter skin are preferred because this means that they don't have labor-intensive jobs that cause them to be outside a lot. It was a class thing. And class consciousness is a whole other story.

Originally posted by Podna

I think you are right on one point. We DO tend to put too much emphasis on superficial characteristics. I don’t think that these superficial characteristics have anything to do with the divorce rate in the United States however. The reason I say this is because that argument presupposes that attractive people with nice boobies are less likely to work in a marriage thus making it more likely to end in a divorce.

 

I think a major problem with divorce in this country is attributable to the fact that we live in a disposable society where “if it doesn’t work, just throw it away.” Divorce is far more socially acceptable now than it was 50 years ago.

This is what I was referring to.

Originally posted by Topaze

No one has said anything about the good old days in this thread so I am not sure where your comments are coming from blind_otter. Please elaborate.

It doesn't matter if anyone has said anything about the good old days before. She's saying it now.

1. - How much emphasis should we place on height, hair colour, weight, etc.?

2. - What role if any do these factors play in a successful relationship and marriage?

3. - In North America has our focus become too superficial?

4. - Is this the reason that the divorce rate is so high?

5. - What are the most important factors for building a long term relationship?

6. - What criteria SHOULD we be using to decide who to date and marry?

1. That is a personal choice. There is no right or wrong way to answer this, as different people place differing levels of priority on physicality.

2. Attraction is important in relationships - and attraction deepens and changes according to the emotional input you have in the relationship. The more emotionally bound you are to a person, the less their physical appearance will matter, (very generally speaking, anyway). Attraction can be more than just physical, too.

3. The media would like for us to think so, but ultimately I think people stick with what appeals to them personally and not what society would have them pick as a mate.

4. The divorce rate is high, because divorces are easier to get and less stigmatized - and because the idea/mythos of marriage that is fed to us by society rarely matches what it turns out to be like in reality, so when reality bites - people are more likely to bail out these days.

5. A broad range of compatibility outside of romance/love - romance/love fluctuates, and it helps to have a solid companionship and friendship to fall back on during rough fluctuation times.

6. How willing you are to spend the rest of your life with them, if romance/love/sex were not part of the picture. Again, those things fluctuate: they fade, crest, wane, wax - and if ALL you have is romance/love/sex and that hits a low point, then you begin thinking of bailing out - because outside of all that romance, you find that you really don't like your partner as a person and don't want to spend time with them, much less the rest of your life.