Just confused...feel free to help and ask questions...

Oh man....There is so much to tell here but a girl I live with really annoys and confuses the hell out of me, see I fell for her and told her that I liked her a few months ago (she said that she didn't feel the same way and I told her that she was a flirt and an attention seeker and she got upset and told my other room mate that she was upset) and since then we have had fights, arguments, ,make up talks etc ...pretty much things what couples do but are not actually a couple.

She asks me about other girls and on occassion has been quite blunt or has picked things out about some of them, I have told her that at times she can be a bitch to me and that I don't appreciate it and when I have done that she tells me I am reading into too it too much and I tell her but you don't treat my other roomate this way and she has said sorry...she has flirted with me a lot and her body langauge has never been negative towards me, she has told me that I am a lovely guy and but she has also told me that "she doesn't have those feelings for me",I have told her the same, she got jelaous and acted wierd when my ex stayed for a few days a few months ago, she enjoys my company and we laugh a lot when we are on good terms...recently she went overseas and I got a text from her which wasn't even meant for me and I found this really odd,before she left we were getting on okay and were quite playful with each other.

I have trouble understanding the true intentions of this girl and I am thinking of asking her to move out because she does my head in?, she once asked me "what have i ever done to show you interest" and I never answered her , cos she still does it, she does the playing with her thing and all the flirty 'body language' movements I know it and I have seen it and so have my good friends.

What do you think?...I have thought about moving out myself but it's my place...

More of a background: in my eyes she has played a lot of games and has used the knowing that I like her thing against me, she has made up dramas and I have found them out to be made up dramas, she lies to me about certain things like sending blank text messages...etc...

I wish I never asked her to move in but at the same time I still like her and hate myself for it...any thoughts please?

She comes back next week and I'm not looking forward to it to be honest...

thanks for any help

anyone? please?

I don't see any reason why she wouldn't be with you since she knows you like her unless she really doesn't have those feelings for you. If she doesn't have a BF and you don't have a GF either, nothing is stopping her to be with you right? Accept the reality that she likes you but not enough to start a relationship with you now. But her feelings might change.

I think that she is the type of girl who plays hard to get... but that is just my opinion. If she does not have feelings for you enough that she can't be in a relationship with you then she should not be flirting and sending you body messages because thats not fair for her to do that to you and have you thinking that she likes you in that type of way... "she got jelaous and acted wierd when my ex stayed for a few days a few months ago"... this for me would be proof that i think she likes you but like i said i think she is a girl who plays hard to get... But i think when she gets to know you more and thinks you are a great guy then hopefully things will get better... Maybe its good that she went away so you guys can have a break from each other but maybe when she does come back things may change but who knows just see how it goes when she does come back and if things don't get better then just to be straight up you guys shouldn't live together.

She could be playing hard to get, but that usually doesn't last for an extended period of time. So how long has this been going on?? It sounds like it's been a while.

The thing is, there are some people who are just sh**disturbers, who enjoy games and like to flaunt their "power." It's kind of like a form of bullying, isn't it? I have never been able to understand people like this, and I know a few and have watched them in action, but I think that it's an emotional addiction. There has to be some kind of intense emotional uproar going on or they aren't satisfied. It doesn't even have to be their own emotions that are engaged--they can be like emotional vampires.

It's up to you to figure out if she is this kind of person or if there is some other reason. Maybe she feels that getting involved with someone she lives with or works with would be a bad idea and this is where the mixed signals are coming from. Or maybe she has been burned before and is just plain scared silly. But if you think that she is enjoying putting you through your paces, then tell her to move on.

Iluvsiamese...this has been going on for about 4 months now...

wow those replies have left me speechless...well she is back from overseas and we shared a bottle of wine together tonight which was nice, I had had a really ****ty day and I told her I must warn you I have had a really bad day and I won't be the best of company and Woman are really the last type I want to be around at the moment but I want to hear all about your trip...anyway things started off cool and then I mentioned this girl that I was supposed to have a coffee date with this week txtd me today and said it was 2 hard for her 2 find time and I said to her..'help me to understand the female species please" and she said I don't want to talk about that" ..and I said that's not fair I listen to you when you tell me stuff and she goes "well I just don't want to talk about your girl problems ----- (my name).

But later on I told her what happened and she was quick to be nasty and say mean things about this girl...and what I should h

Later on my room mate and I were talking about this gorgeous girl and she gave me this look and went all quiet and then did the dishes, while she was doing the dishes she kept looking at me as I was talking to my room mate, we decided to go to the shops and I asked the girl (roomate) if she wanted anything and it did seem to be an upset, thinking about something look...then later on she talked to me about things she knows I like and played with her hair a lot.

Does this tell you anything?

I am really not sure what to do here?...

Do I like this girl still?...yes but her games annoy the hell out of me

Do we have a lot in common and always something to talk about it?...Yes

Does it seem like there is an attraction between us?...Yes

Why does she act the way she does?

who knows?

I can see where you are confused. It sure looks like she doesn't want you to be with anyone else but if that's the case why won't she admit that she has feelings? I think that it boils down to this: either she has feelings for you and is afraid to admit it for whatever reason OR she has no feelings for you in particular but is the sort who is unable to accept you being with someone else. Some people just want to have their own personal cheering squad and want to be the centre of everyone's attention. You are in a better position to judge if she is like this.

However, whichever way it is with her, she is not being honest with you or herself. This is not a particularly good sign. Would this continue if you were in a relationship?? And how would you deal with it?? About all you can do is try to talk with her honestly, tell her that she is confusing you with her behaviour (which I think you have already done) and tell her that you can't accept game playing and you need to either get on or she has to get out. If she can't/won't stop her behaviour, then you have to make the decision whether you want to continue to put up with it and what's best for you. You might find that if she moved out, her attitude toward you would change completely. Being roommates might be muddling things. But to be quite honest, her response to your comments about her behaviour being flirtatious suggests that she knows what she is doing and is enjoying it. Add in the text messaging etc. and the pieces make a red flag. Even if you started a relationship with her, it's doubtful that the game playing would go away and might even escalate. I think that I would avoid getting involved, if I were you. What we think we want is not always good for us and can make us pretty miserable in the long run.

Originally posted by Iluvsiamese

I can see where you are confused. It sure looks like she doesn't want you to be with anyone else but if that's the case why won't she admit that she has feelings? I think that it boils down to this: either she has feelings for you and is afraid to admit it for whatever reason OR she has no feelings for you in particular but is the sort who is unable to accept you being with someone else. Some people just want to have their own personal cheering squad and want to be the centre of everyone's attention. You are in a better position to judge if she is like this.

 

However, whichever way it is with her, she is not being honest with you or herself. This is not a particularly good sign. Would this continue if you were in a relationship?? And how would you deal with it?? About all you can do is try to talk with her honestly, tell her that she is confusing you with her behaviour (which I think you have already done) and tell her that you can't accept game playing and you need to either get on or she has to get out. If she can't/won't stop her behaviour, then you have to make the decision whether you want to continue to put up with it and what's best for you. You might find that if she moved out, her attitude toward you would change completely. Being roommates might be muddling things. But to be quite honest, her response to your comments about her behaviour being flirtatious suggests that she knows what she is doing and is enjoying it. Add in the text messaging etc. and the pieces make a red flag. Even if you started a relationship with her, it's doubtful that the game playing would go away and might even escalate. I think that I would avoid getting involved, if I were you. What we think we want is not always good for us and can make us pretty miserable in the long run.

It makes me feel good to know that I have finally come to the right boards where the insight and comments are intelligent and just what I need...

I really appreciate what you wrote here Iluvsiamese ...and I think if we did talk she would bring up the "i don't have those feelings for you" which would honestly drive me insane, I know she plays games and if she did in a relationship I could handle cos at least I would know that I am the one waking up to her first thing in the morning...

But not only that whenever I do try and talk with her she gets angry, in the past I have txted her and said things like "I would appreciate if we could have a little talk when you are free" and she stormed in the door and said bascially "you always want to talk and i'm starting to get really angry" and all I wanted to say to her was "i am tired of all the bull**** between us and i wanted a fresh start", that was the time when she told me I was the one with the problem and that she didn't have those .....(yada yada) and I ended up screaming at her "Niether do I and Stop tellling me what I think and feel".

I still don't understand why she wouldn't talk about my girl problems with me and her reaction when her asked her was incredible she spoke quietly and wouldn't even look me in the eye when she said "I don't want to talk about that", yes I agree she isnt being honest with me and I don't want to ask her to move out but if she does I know it would be much better for the both of us.

I can tell you that she doesn't get the attention from me that she used to and I notice that we have little things that we play with each other about, I also sense the other room mate thinks we have a difficult realationship and he is right (he even told me so a while ago).

It does seem that we are actually in a relationship just not a physical one.

The saga continues...

I do have a girl who I get on really well with coming around to our place in a few weeks to join us for a concert so that should be interesting...

I have to disagree with you on the part about being able to handle it if you were in a relationship with her. Being able to be honest with and to trust your partner to be honest with you are essential ingredients in a healthy relationship. Given her game playing and dishonesty, I wouldn't be able to trust that I was always the one waking up with her.

These are not signs of a good relationship. When you indicate that you want to talk to her openly and honestly, she gets angry and goes on the offensive and starts a fight. She doesn't want to be honest with you. And even if you think that you could handle the game playing business, if it's driving you nuts after 4 months and you are not even in a relationship more involved than roommates, a year of such behaviour in a bf/gf relationship would be beyond it. Game playing and attention-getting, manipulative behaviour gets really tiresome after awhile. Just try babysitting some 3 year olds for a few days--or even hours! Yes, what she is doing is the adult version.

Wrt your comment about how it seems that you are actually in a relationship, just not physically, you need to rethink what you consider a relationship to be. There are alot of different elements involved and attraction on one level does not a relationship make. You need to think about what you want in each of these elements and what you are willing to accept. I can give you a couple of examples--my guy once dated a blonde bombshell. He thought he had it made but it didn't last because he was embarrassed to take her anywhere where his friends were. As soon as she opened her mouth, she lent credence to every dumb blonde joke that ever was. He is someone who values intelligence. He moved on, found another and it seemed to be working out. The problem this time? You couldn't live with her because of the games, lies and manipulation. He is someone who values honesty. In another relationship, he tells me that he fell in love with her "intellectually" but that there was no sexual chemistry. To me this is a friendship. After 6 years of wrangling which eventually deteriorated into games, lies and manipulation, they parted ways. He also values sexual compatibility. I have had plenty of experiences of my own as well. Believe me, it can take alot of kicks to the head before you recognize what you want in a healthy relationship. Head for your local library and check out some books on relationships and give alot of thought to what you are looking for.

As for the girl who is coming over, you'd best prepare for some fireworks, lol. She won't like someone else playing with her toy! Such behaviour from a roommate is ridiculous.

thanks again...much appreciated ...what I meant by the seems like we are in a relationship without the physical is all the fights and dumb little things she gets annoyed about, I have had a lot of relationships and my longest lasted for 3 years, but lately things are just odd, I guess i keep meeting or going for the wrong type of girls and I can accept that, I should do a thesis on my roomates behaviour I mean it fascinates me...tonight she was extra nice to me while she had a friend over and I noticed that she would watch me when I interacted with this girl, she was also very happy around me and would say things like "you always do that" (she thinks I mumble) but yeah whatever...so you think there will be fireworks when this girl comes around, I think the fireworks might happen sooner as I found out today that she will be at a party I am attending this weekend and there is a girl there that I have a good rapport with and like.

Everything you say is right and if you want to put it down to the Star Signs thing then it's a Scorpio (Me) and a Leo living under the same roof...do you think I should say anything to her or just sit back and enjoy the entertainment?....who is bringing the popcorn?

and yeah you are right I don't think I would handle it, we would have screaming matches over rows, but I think it's very clear that she is attracted to me but just won't admit it.

I think that you are right, but her reasoning is beyond me. Maybe it's just the thrill of the game. Here's a third option. Forget even contemplating a relationship and just enjoy playing the game with her. This way, you can focus on looking for someone who fits.

I can relate on the business of being attracted to the wrong kind of girl. I can honestly say that if I had met my current partner in any other setting, I would not have given him the time of day. I have wondered since then how many great relationships I passed up because I was too busy looking for what I thought I wanted. And then again, did I even have a clear picture of what I wanted? I doubt it. I also think that I put the emphasis on many of the less important factors. There's where the many kicks in the head come in, lol.

well here is the latest, something is up today she wouldn't look me in the eye this morning and later in the day I had to drop of some paper with some bank account details at her work and again eye contact was really fleeting but the interesting was when I handed her the paper she said "oh what's this"? )(was she expecting a love letter or something?...lol) anyways I just left...why does this damn girl stay in my head I hate it...

and why does she call during the day at home sometimes or never leaves a message?, I am so sick of the ****ing games should I just tell her straight?.

..this Woman, (actually girl cos that is how she acts) is going to send me into a mental ward...I just do not understand her...

what could have possibly changed since last night when things were fine...(well at least I thought they were)

tonight she has hardly talked to me, cooked for my room mate and not me, has spoken to me in a sharp tone and when she thinks I'm not looking her I watch her play with her hair and do all her "pay attention to me" gestures.

What did I do?, I just don't get it and what's worse is that we are both going to the same party tommorow night, I feel that she has no right to be this way to me as we aren't a couple, I need some light please because I just do not understand what the deal is.

I have lived with this kind of bull**** before but not to this extent?, please help me...

Lack of eye contact would indicate to me that she has been into mischief. Her comment tells me that she wasn't sure if you knew about it yet. Should be interesting to see what surfaces.

But, yes, if you are sick of the games, you need to be straight with her. However, don't expect her to come clean and acknowledge that this is what she has been doing. In fact, don't even expect it to stop. As long as she refuses to admit to the gaming, she will not stop as that would spoil her fun, first off and secondly, it would be admitting that she has been aware of her behaviour. I expect that the only way that this merry-go-round will stop is if you tell her to move out. But that is your decision.

What she doesn't seem to get is that if she continues, eventually you will hate the sight of her. A little game playing is one thing, but this has gone overboard. Try to put a stop to it before it reaches the point of no return.

The point of no return seems to be accelerating in it's approach. For your own peace of mind, put a stop to it. If not for yourself, then consider your other roommate. Is this a great atmosphere to call home? My guess is that the constant undercurrent of tension, even when there is not open warfare happening, is causing some discomfort. If you need to talk to him to get his slant and how he feels, get on with it. If you both agree that she has to go, then get him to back you up and do it together.

Originally posted by Iluvsiamese

Lack of eye contact would indicate to me that she has been into mischief. Her comment tells me that she wasn't sure if you knew about it yet. Should be interesting to see what surfaces.

 

But, yes, if you are sick of the games, you need to be straight with her. However, don't expect her to come clean and acknowledge that this is what she has been doing. In fact, don't even expect it to stop. As long as she refuses to admit to the gaming, she will not stop as that would spoil her fun, first off and secondly, it would be admitting that she has been aware of her behaviour. I expect that the only way that this merry-go-round will stop is if you tell her to move out. But that is your decision.

 

What she doesn't seem to get is that if she continues, eventually you will hate the sight of her. A little game playing is one thing, but this has gone overboard. Try to put a stop to it before it reaches the point of no return.

what do you mean up to mischief like when she was away or something?, cos she hasn't been out all week...and I know for a fact there are no dudes in her life, you are so right it is just not fair or me...what about the sharp tones and not talking to me though?.

Should be interesting to see what surfaces.

No kidding, maybe another text from the ex that never happened...

Her comment tells me that she wasn't sure if you knew about it yet.

wait lastly...which comment?

What I mean by "up to mischief" is that she has put a plan into motion. A new needle to see what your response will be. It's just a question of time before you find out what that is, but something along the lines of text messages that don't exist or setting you up for something. The not speaking may have to do with the fact that you haven't noticed what she has done yet and she is mad because you haven't responded. You know, the key to this whole thing is your response. That's what she is looking for.

Originally posted by Iluvsiamese

The point of no return seems to be accelerating in it's approach. For your own peace of mind, put a stop to it. If not for yourself, then consider your other roommate. Is this a great atmosphere to call home? My guess is that the constant undercurrent of tension, even when there is not open warfare happening, is causing some discomfort. If you need to talk to him to get his slant and how he feels, get on with it. If you both agree that she has to go, then get him to back you up and do it together.

yeah but he is always like she's a cool chick and you guys have a difficult relationship but you can get on, I have tried to tell him things about her but he always kind of defends her, but ultimately I am the leaseholder and enough is enough it really is I can't go to this party as these are my friends and they make me happy she doesn't.

I have tried to PM you Iluvsiamese but the function doesn't work?, I really respect and appreciate the insight and comments you offer.

Originally posted by Iluvsiamese

What I mean by "up to mischief" is that she has put a plan into motion. A new needle to see what your response will be. It's just a question of time before you find out what that is, but something along the lines of text messages that don't exist or setting you up for something. The not speaking may have to do with the fact that you haven't noticed what she has done yet and she is mad because you haven't responded. You know, the key to this whole thing is your response. That's what she is looking for.

hmmmm...wow....what could it be? I'd hate to think to be honest...but why?,how am I have supposed to noticed if nothing has happened?, I actually ignored her as much as I could as I was getting odd vibes from her and the only things I asked her were flat stuff...so I just react to the way she acts towards me...why all I really need to know is why?.

If you can ever figure out the why part, you can write a book and become rich and famous. Then she will be sorry, lol!

The only explanation I can give you is that it is a form of teasing or bullying. It's no fun to tease someone who never responds. Therefore, she is pulling a variety of stunts to try to raise a response from you. What sort of kick she gets from this and why, is anyone's guess. I have never understood the need to be a perpetual Sh**disturber. Life generally provides plenty of that for my liking without any help at all.

So your roomie thinks she is a cool chick, eh? Well, he has an unusual idea of cool. I suppose not being on the receiving end of her needling makes a difference. So the ball is in your court. It's up to you.

Is your PM function turned on?

Originally posted by Iluvsiamese

If you can ever figure out the why part, you can write a book and become rich and famous. Then she will be sorry, lol!

 

The only explanation I can give you is that it is a form of teasing or bullying. It's no fun to tease someone who never responds. Therefore, she is pulling a variety of stunts to try to raise a response from you. What sort of kick she gets from this and why, is anyone's guess. I have never understood the need to be a perpetual Sh**disturber. Life generally provides plenty of that for my liking without any help at all.

 

So your roomie thinks she is a cool chick, eh? Well, he has an unusual idea of cool. I suppose not being on the receiving end of her needling makes a difference. So the ball is in your court. It's up to you.

 

Is your PM function turned on?

I might not have been an active enough member for the PM function yet...anyways my e-mail is

I would love too stay in touch with you.

I am getting ready for a camping trip this weekend. Should be fun. My guy is into archery so we are headed for a shoot.

Just letting you know that I probably won't have time to respond until Monday.

I have no objection to keeping in touch--those of us who are sane need to stick together, lol.

cool...I hope the trip was all good... my weekend was wild here is the latest...

I walked up to her at a party and said "hey what's up I think we should talk"and she told me she was too drunk to talk and I said to her something along the lines of 'are things cool with us?" and she said 'yeah I guess', and I said 'what is that I guess?' and she goes 'stop making a big deal out of little things and I said it is a Big Deal because I am uncomfortable where I live and don't like to feel that way, and she said nothing and I said it needs to be resolved could we go somewhere private and talk? and she said nah and walked off, so I went up behind her and said in her ear 'well go and get ****ed then...I didn't even want you at this party... thanks for ruining my night.'

she stayed on, I ignored her and all through the night in the corner of my eye she did all her flirting bull**** , whispered to her friend, looked over (you know like High School girls do). and we had some interesting looks between us I also noticed that her friend would often look over to see if I was looking at them or watching me kick it with this cutie...but yeah **** this *****she is going to the ballet with my room mate!!!! and I said to him...I'm not cool with this but good luck and if you start ****ing her could you let me know because this is my house...thanks...

So I am guessing the going to the Ballet with my flatmate was the plan...wow this girl is incredible absolutely amazing...oh well maybe she set out to make me hate her because now I do and I am probably going to ask her to move out this week.

I find it kind of interesting that FOUR of her good female friends came around today...hmmmmm....

well we talked today and she told me that I need to grow up (I told her perhaps it's you that needs to grow up) and I asked her honestly if we could live together because she doesn't make me happy and I can't live with her anymore and I do see **** between us happening again, she also said that If i asked her go to the ballet she would have gone as she loves the ballet, she also told me that she thinks I still haven't got over it...(all the while pushing her hair back and giving me smirks, I mean we both didn't want to fight so you know...)

Oh and she was listening to a compilation CD i made her a while ago...hmmmm....but that probably means nothing...

oh and she knocked on my door and said "hey... are you talking to me?" and I said "yes" and then she gave me these sad little eyes and said I was just wondering...and all night she seemed to vibe off my good mood and looked in my direction a lot smiling and laughing a lot...she knows exactly what she is doing and there is no doubt that she does do it, but I swear that this girl likes me I just don't understand why she can't be upfront about it...anyways that girl is coming over this weekend so we will see what happens...oh and I asked her if one of her cute friends was single and she just gave me a stern look and said No, no she isn't sorry...