Phone Sex, Porn and the Internet in Relationships

[Jersey Shortie]

Why do people feel like looking at porn while in a relationship is okay, but having phone sex with someone you don't know or talking sexually with strangers over the internet is off limits? Porn is a visual stimulator used to get off to other people. Phone sex and internet chatting is a verbal stimulator used to get off to other people. As long as you aren't taking it any further then just getting off sexually, I don't undestand why there is this double standard that porn is okay but other sexual outlets aren't.

 

If my boyfriend is going to look at porn because he is more visual, I think I have the right to use more verbal outlets to get off on because I am a woman and more verbal.

[Jeffrey]

Because one deals with REAL people maybe? it's rather impossible to take porn further while it's quite easy when you're talking to a real person.

[Lennox]

Unless he's wanking to anime porn or something, it's involving other people too. A live person posed for the pictures with the understanding that someone was going to wank to it. Contrary to your assertion, habitual wankers can and do take it to higher levels once the excitement of pictures fades and they need more stimulation.

 

Jersey, there is no real difference between you having phone sex or internet sex with someone and your boyfriend wanking to porn. You both are using people other than each other as a sexual outlet. The only difference I can see is that your boyfriend thinks it's ok for him to do but not you. I guarantee you that if you got a huge vibrator and started masturbating to pictures of men with horse c*cks, he'd feel a bit insecure and raise objection to that too.

[Jersey Shortie]

"Because one deals with REAL people maybe? it's rather impossible to take porn further while it's quite easy when you're talking to a real person."

 

 

Actually both deal with real people. And lets add strip clubs to this because guys always make excuses for that and those are real people right infront of you. Oh but that's okay right because your a guy and guys just can't be happy with one woman. So they need to drag down their woman because they are selfish.

 

 

 

 

 

"Jersey, there is no real difference between you having phone sex or internet sex with someone and your boyfriend wanking to porn."

 

I agree. But while alot of men are okay with their wanking it off to porn of perfect looking woman that no real womancould ever live up to, men would freak if women were having phone sex or whatever to meet their verbal needs.

 

 

 

 

" I guarantee you that if you got a huge vibrator and started masturbating to pictures of men with horse c*cks, he'd feel a bit insecure and raise objection to that too."

 

 

Again I agree.

 

 

How come men even bother with relationships? It's more then obvious men just like their porn of fake women with fake breasts that their SO can't compete with. Men should just jack off to porn and forgo relationships because I don't really think men know what should go into a relationship or really care about their woman while in one.

[norajane]

The difference is with phone/internet sex there are men who are interacting with YOU.

 

With porn, those women are not interacting with him at all. It's not personal in any way.

[sll004]

It is a on a personal level if he is using porn to satisfy himself. It is like cheating with your eyes and your mind. If you are in a relationship you should use your partner as your means for sexual gratification, not some dirty internet site used to lure weak men that cant control their urges.

[Jeffrey]

Really now, the 'cheating with your eyes and mind' doesn't jive with me. it's just eye candy and no emotional connection. I suppose there could be SOME MEN who would WISH there could be an emotional connection or that they're so fixated with a porno girl that little else crosses their mind, but that's highly unlikely and anyone who would fit that category would probably be cheating/chasing with someone else.

 

There's nothing at all wrong with fantasy/fantasizing in my point of view and I would see the 'cheating with your eyes and mind' as a sure quality of insecurity.

 

No offense intended, just my $.02

[Lennox]

Jeffrey, do you think that the OP's desire for mental stimulation and her partner's desire for visual stimulation to be equal? If so, then you're being consistant with your opinion. Anything else smacks of double standards for men and women. The old "man is a stud and a woman is a whore" if they have sexual experiences is outdated and a myth. Another myth is that women are incapable of having sexual experiences without emotional attachment involved. Phone sex or internet cam sex does not necessarily result in physical cheating taking place, nor does it mean it has even a sliver more emotional attachment than a man wanking to porn. Whether it indicates insecurity is questionable really. That's called blameshifting and the partner that does not partake in wanking to porn does not always own that. If a person's sex life suffers because they are expending their time and energies wanking to porn, then there's a real problem and it's not the insecurity of the partner that's being cheated out of a sex life that is the cause, it's the compulsive behavior.

 

Jersie, not all men wank compulsively to porn. There are real men out there that enjoy having sex with real women. There are guys out there that found a great deal of relief that they did not have to depend on their hands solely anymore to satisfy their sexual needs. It's a sifting process, you need to discard the ones that wank compulsively immediately and move on to the next. You know in your heart how much is acceptable to you so throw away the ones that don't meet your expectations. There are many men out there that would love to meet a woman like yourself that really loves sex to the point where you don't want to be cheated out of one iota of a sex life due to porn. How many men out there are married to women that don't like sex or just use it as a reward? How many of them would have liked to have met and married you instead? I bet a lot. There's also guys that love to be as verbal in bed as you do.

[norajane]

If my boyfriend is going to look at porn because he is more visual, I think I have the right to use more verbal outlets to get off on because I am a woman and more verbal.

 

If your bf was having phone sex and chatting with strangers for internet sex, would you be ok with that? Would that be worse in your eyes than him just looking at pics and wanking?

[Pink_Tulip]

Jersey- I agree 100% that it is a total double standard for men to say going to strip clubs is ok, but women chatting anonymously in sex chat rooms is not. People will always try to justify their habits.

 

But I think this topic is unnecessary. If you have a moral or religious issue with porn, you need to find a man with the same belief system as you, rather than get into a pissing match with a man who indulges in porn. It is a losing battle, and not fair to anyone involved.

 

I am not sure whether or not you are currently in a relationship and this is an issue, maybe you could expand on that a bit? If so, I'd strongly suggest ending the relationship and finding someone more compatible to you. If a man believes porn is OK, that is most likely not going to change. And then you are going to end up like many women on this board talking about how your SO keeps promising not to look at it, yet you keep catching him. What a miserable life.

 

If you go to church, most have singles groups where you can meet single men who, obviously, would share your beliefs. Otherwise, you are going to have to really look at the type of men you are meeting and dating. If you are consistently attracted to men with an opposing moral or religious belief system than yours, you need to stop dating immediately and be very introspective about why that is.

 

Contrary to what many will tell you, there are many men who don't engage in porn for many reasons. Since you have an issue with it, you need to find like minded men, and discuss your beliefs early on in the relationship. If they agree, great, if not, move on. If you wait too long, and you all have fallen in love, they will make promises they can't keep, and it will ruin the relationship. And this is true of many issues, not just porn. If you have strong beliefs in politics, money, child rearing, etc., find someone with the same beliefs and TALK about it. Trying to change someone will not work, and only serve to cause resentment.

[Jersey Shortie]

"... it's just eye candy and no emotional connection."

 

Actually, men like porn because of the way it makes them feel..that is both sexually and on a certain level, emotionally.

 

 

"There's nothing at all wrong with fantasy/fantasizing in my point of view and I would see the 'cheating with your eyes and mind' as a sure quality of insecurity.

 

No offense intended, just my $.02"

 

 

Of coures I am insecure. Men like jerking it off to perfect looking girls that real women just can't compete with. Hello, yes that is going to cause some amount of insecurity and doubt in your parnter about where you stand in their life.

 

I hate when men say.."oh your just insecure". If was masturbating to men that made millions and millions of dollars and were all 6'2 + and then turing to my man and saying I loved him , I wonder if he would really believe it.

 

Because actions speaks louder then words. And men's actions with porn says to me that all men care about is having their cake and eating it too and not even bothering to think about how porn can make your woman feel less like a woman and less like a person you care about.

[sll004]

I totally agree JerseyShortie!! Why do men think they have the right to have their cake and eat it too without any regard for how it make thier partner feel in the relationship? Im sure if women used every chance they got to look at men who were amazingly well built and attractive that the man would feel a little bit less of a man dont you think?

[whichwayisup]

"Because one deals with REAL people maybe? it's rather impossible to take porn further while it's quite easy when you're talking to a real person."

 

 

Actually both deal with real people.

 

Yes, but one is on video/dvd and the other is "live" (phone/online/webcam). There is a difference!

[Pink_Tulip]

Yes, but one is on video/dvd and the other is "live" (phone/online/webcam). There is a difference!

 

What if the man is going to strippers? Does that make a difference? Can't get more live than someone grinding their, what is the LS word- moo moo? into your groin!

[Guest]

express their sexuality....for example: lets say i can home and the wife told me she just suddenly felt horny and she masturbated...would i be upset? nope. i would feel lucky she could tell me. same deal but that she wanted to watch a video, would i be upset? nope. i would ask what it was she watched and whether she enjoyed the freedom to try new things. lets say, she did these things and fantasied about being 'part' of what was going on in the video, would i be upset? nope. i would ask her what was it that she discovered about herself. lets say she went further and actually cybered with someone, would i be upset? nope. if she was only in fantasy land, not a biggie. if she was 'talking' and getting to know someone and having feelings - THEN DUH! YUP.

 

lets say, she engaged in phone sex, would i be upset? yes and no. i would ask why she didn't tell me and why she wanted to try that and if it was with someone she was getting to know...then DUH! YUP. as for wanking to porn, i don't think everyone can do it....i think u need the combination of finding something that u actually get excited about and understanding what it is that excites u and sharing that info with your partner. the best thing i have ever experienced relating to that is being with someone you love and trust and having them be totally fearless with you and being a part of their life. and, one last thing, there are times u share stuff like that and times you don't - masturbation is a private matter and you should never, ever, disrespect the person. whenever a lover has told me they have done that, i respect their privacy and give them trust and respect....i would never, ever invade such a private moment...everyone masturbates...some do it together, some do it alone...some do both...but always show respect

[Mrs. Emo]

Jersey, after reading your posts here, I don't think the real issue here is that you really care about or are concerned with

Why do people feel like looking at porn while in a relationship is okay, but having phone sex with someone you don't know or talking sexually with strangers over the internet is off limits?

 

I'm not even convinced that you are into the phone sex/cybersex thing because you really enjoy it as a verbally stimulating rather than visual masturbating tool. I think you are doing it to prove a point w/your bf and try to make him feel as hurt and upset as you are, which I can't blame you for doing.

 

I don't think we women can expect men not to enjoy looking at beautiful naked women doing whatever, but personally, I have always felt that once you are in a relationship and the guy is still getting porn magazines and viewing porn on the web and especially masturbating to it, just isn't right.

 

Of course, some women have no problem w/any of that and that is great for them. Personally, I feel I should be the one turning my man on and making him orgasm...not pictures/thoughts of other women. And of course, like Jersy said, we feel like there is no way we can stack up to these picture perfect women. So of course we think "I'm not good enough to get him excited".

 

I think it is very disrespectful and hurtful for a partner to continue with that type of behavior once they know how lousy it makes the other person feel.

[Jersey Shortie]

"I'm not even convinced that you are into the phone sex/cybersex thing because you really enjoy it as a verbally stimulating rather than visual masturbating tool. I think you are doing it to prove a point w/your bf and try to make him feel as hurt and upset as you are, which I can't blame you for doing."

 

 

Well you would be right. I am just trying to make a point.

 

 

I am just so sick of hearing guys defend porn as this great wonderful thing. When do men defend the women in their lives and stick up for them instead of sticking up for the porn?

[Trimmer]

...men's actions with porn says to me that all men care about is having their cake and eating it too and not even bothering to think about ....

 

Oh but that's okay right because your a guy and guys just can't be happy with one woman. So they need to drag down their woman because they are selfish.

 

How come men even bother with relationships? It's more then obvious men just like their porn of fake women with fake breasts that their SO can't compete with....

 

When do men defend the women in their lives and stick up for them instead of sticking up for the porn?

 

Why do all women generalize about men and porn? Why are women always so angry about this topic? I don't get it, why does every woman in the world have the same opinion about men and porn? (I really hope your sarcasm alarm rang out there...)

 

Wow, Jersey, what did someone do to you to make you assume that all men are the same?

 

Why do people feel like looking at porn while in a relationship is okay, but having phone sex with someone you don't know or talking sexually with strangers over the internet is off limits?

Who cares what other people feel like? The question is, have you had a good, clear communication with your SO about what your mutual expectations and limits are? And if you can't agree in a given critical area, then it's time to move on - hopefully before you commit your lives to each other.

 

In answer to your original question, without defending or advocating the use of either "passive" porn (pics, video, written stories) or "active" porn (phone sex, chat, email, lap dances, affairs...) I do believe them to be different, which I infer you do not.

 

My personal boundary is that (two-way) interaction with a sexual component (even if "only" verbal/mental/visual) with a real person outside my relationship is unacceptable. So for me that puts lap dances and stuffing bills into a stripper's G-string in the "unacceptable" column. This boundary as I've defined it is what I expect of my partner, and I expect it to apply exactly the same way to myself. I would prefer that you not pass judgement on what works for me in my relationship, as long as I have not deceived my partner, and in return, I will not complain to you if I have trouble finding someone who shares my views. Deal?

 

Now if you feel that the full spectrum of porn is unacceptable, that's great, just please don't wank on everyone else, claiming that you are the voice of reason, presuming to speak against what all men think. The important and very valuable thing you need to do with your opinion is to apply it within your own relationship - don't you owe it to yourself to communicate this opinion clearly to a prospective partner, so that you can spend your life with someone who shares your values and boundaries?

 

So in the end, what is really your issue? Let's admit that there are at least some, maybe a lot of, men out there whose opinions about porn you don't agree with. Can we assume that you are not going to change their minds? So what is worth spending your energy on? What are you still upset about? Is there an issue of porn use in your current relationship that is causing you distress, or are you concerned because you are not in a relationship, and are having trouble finding someone who shares your values (thus exacerbating your feelings of irritation towards men in general...)?

[insomnie]

The difference is with phone/internet sex there are men who are interacting with YOU.

 

With porn, those women are not interacting with him at all. It's not personal in any way.

 

Exactly.

 

The verbal equivalent to porn would be a pre-recorded phone line you call to listen to a guy say dirty things.

[Pink_Tulip]

Exactly.

 

The verbal equivalent to porn would be a pre-recorded phone line you call to listen to a guy say dirty things.

 

Interesting comparison. So, would the guys here who do watch porn be OK with their wives calling such a phone line?

[Jersey Shortie]

"Why do all women generalize about men and porn? Why are women always so angry about this topic? I don't get it.."

 

 

 

Because it is a very hurtful topic if you are a woman and makes women feel less important, less feminine, less attractive to their mates.

 

 

 

"I would prefer that you not pass judgement on what works for me in my relationship..."

 

Of course I am going to pass judgement. We all pass judgement one way or another. And if it works for you, fine. But I think that is a crappy way to treat your partner.

 

 

 

"What are you still upset about?"

 

 

I thought I was pretty clear. Porn and how men love it at the price of the *real* woman in their life.

 

 

I'd like to hear a response to Pink-Tulips question too. And I would like to know why men defend porn and stick up for the porn over the real woman in their life. Because I don't see anyone answering that.

[Christy_06]

i agree completely

[Pink_Tulip]

I'd like to hear a response to Pink-Tulips question too.

 

The deafening silence indicates to me that yes, it would bother men quite a bit to find out their wives are getting off to recordings of men talking dirty. But since that admission would be very hypocritical, better to just remain silent.

 

So, Jersey, as I said before, find someone with the same values and beliefs about porn that you have, and let all this go. It will only drive you insane.

[CynicalP]

The deafening silence indicates to me that yes, it would bother men quite a bit to find out their wives are getting off to recordings of men talking dirty. But since that admission would be very hypocritical, better to just remain silent.

 

So, Jersey, as I said before, find someone with the same values and beliefs about porn that you have, and let all this go. It will only drive you insane.

 

 

My wife is into books on tape, some with some erotic overtones, I guess that would be equivalent to a prerecorded message. Doesnt bother me in the least. Actually romance novels where usually considered the female version of porn since, generally speaking, it appeals to women emotionally and mentally.

 

Somehow I dont think just prerecorded messages would really appeal to most women since the messages would be so impersonal that it wouldnt make the woman listening feel special or unique. Which I think women find important in their sexual relationships.

 

Someone mention strip clubs being equivalent to porn which I think is totally different and not comparable. A strip club experience is way more interactive considering it involves phyisical contact and active flirtation. I can understand wives and girlfriends getting insanely angry at their men for visiting strip clubs. Definately a more interpersonal experience then some some guy sitting alone and handing it to himself over some 2D images.

 

Also Jersy I would add that you shouldn't compare yourself to the vacant, highly airbrushed, eye candy the porn industry sells for the sexually frustrated. It's not reality you are trying to comparing yourself too. No one can compete with unreal expectations.

[Lennox]

Cynical,

It's really apples and oranges comparing men using porn to women reading romance novels. Imagine how you would feel if your wife was masturbating with a huge vibrator to pictures and videos of men with unusally huge horsec*cks. Now imagine that she shows you she's not physically attracted to you because she's conditioned herself to respond to the aggressive stimulation that a huge vibe has and the pictures of the abnormal men. Her sexual attraction towards you wanes. Oh she still loves you and wants your company, and everyone in the world can tell you it's not about you, but how would you feel about it? A bit insecure?

 

Any woman on here that has loved a man that is a porn addict would probably give their left ovary to have their husbands read romance novels instead!