Troubled with wife's past

[James8888]

Hi guys, I feel kind of weird writing this but I'm going to give it a shot, as I just need a little support here. My wife and I have been married for 9 years, I'm 39 and she's 36, we have 2 great kids and a really good marriage. Our sexual past has been up and down but the last few years have been really especially good. We've always been real open with each other but didn't really talk much about our past. Probably a good thing, and every forum I look at say that's true. She did hint back a few years ago that she had a dark spot in her past (about 1 summer when she was about 20 years old). Nothing too major just a time when she sort of went a little wild. Hey, we all did. When I was in college I was really wild and was always on the hunt for some action.

 

Anyway, about a year ago we started doing verbal fantasies with each other, which are great and I can say have increased our sex life immensely. We agreed that it was just fantasy so we put no opinions or faults on what we say. It is actually really refreshing and it's brought openness to our relationship that has actually brought us closer. Our biggest fantasies always seem to go to threesomes or swapping. We even talked about trying this but ultimately decided it would change things too much and wreck our marriage. Better to keep them fantasy we decided. I love the fantasies and so does she. I don't want to wreck that part of our life. She's even now divulging that she is intrigued about being with a woman. Hey, I love this idea, but only if I'm there. I'd never want her to have a lesbian affair….just too weird and it could lead to way too many problematic situations. Any way, the majority of our fantasies are MFF.

 

Now my problem. On vacation after about a bottle of wine my wife finally told me some of her past. She had a threesome with 2 guys that summer when she was 20. Now this is 4 years before I even met her. I've done a lot of things in my past too but never got a threesome...but always wanted one. I thought I'd be able hear something like this and I'd be fine with it...but it hurt. It hurt really bad. Hypocritical right...I know! Now, being a stupid guy I pressed her for information on it, thinking I could turn this into a fantasy and it'd be all good. Wrong. The night after hearing this I could hardly sleep. I'm still struggling with this and it's 2 weeks later and can't get passed this. Not sure how get on with this in my mind. Any thoughts?

 

Here's the kicker guys. I'm a Masters student studying psychotherapy/counseling. I know better then this. This is irrational thinking...all in my mind. I still don't know how to get back to where we were though. I'm having insomnia, sneaking smokes outside at night and drinking when I never used to. I guess I just need a little REBT or reality therapy from a support group to help me out here. Oh, and I do run support groups too which is why I know you can help....it's just always different when I'm the one on the couch. This is also not the sort of thing I can really talk about in a live group. I just don't know why I can't get passed this.

 

thanks:(

[norajane]

I guess you're upset because you just found out, so it seems like it just happened.

 

You have to get to the root of why it's bothering you. Like, why is this threesome more troublesome than any of the other guys she slept with before you?

[Spectre]

I'm gonna be blunt: You wanna know why you cant get past it? because what your wife did was trampy, and something usually reserved for pornstars.

 

Most guys would be turned off by the fact their wife did something like that. I consider going "wild" just partying a lot, drinking, etc. I dont know why the cliche is you have to screw a lot of people in college.

 

Anyways, basically that sums it up. People always talk about not wanting to speak about the past, and the cliche is always "its in the past, its over" but everyone is so quick to forget your past is what makes you the person you are today, so it matters. I think its kind of rude that your wife began blurting this out to you as well, unless you asked.

 

This is why I think once people are gonna get serious they should have a serious talk about their past experiences. That way 20 years down the line you dont find out something that makes it hard to look your wife in the face.

[Spectre]

You have to get to the root of why it's bothering you. Like, why is this threesome more troublesome than any of the other guys she slept with before you?

 

 

Because sex isnt as taboo as a 3some. The idea of a girl having sex with a guy is not as bad as your girl getting slammed by two guys simultaneously, which is usually reserved for pornstars.

[norajane]

Well, I don't think it was trampy. People explore their sexuality in all kinds of ways, and as long as it's consensual, I don't see what's so wrong with it.

[norajane]

Because sex isnt as taboo as a 3some. The idea of a girl having sex with a guy is not as bad as your girl getting slammed by two guys simultaneously, which is usually reserved for pornstars.

 

You're assuming it's like in porn. What if she was being sensually pleasured by two gentlemen? Who said anything about slamming?

[Spectre]

Well, I don't think it was trampy. People explore their sexuality in all kinds of ways, and as long as it's consensual, I don't see what's so wrong with it.

 

Theres nothing wrong with it, if youre into that sort of thing.

 

But theres nothing wrong with feeling bad your wife screwed two guys at the same time. call it what you will, sensual pleasuring, exploring sexuality.

 

Bottom line is that isnt a picture a guy likes to have of his wife, and it is nowhere near the same thing as sex between a man and woman. Good, wholesome girls dont have 3-somes, and at the end of the day? that is what a guy wants in a wife, a good wholesome girl.

[norajane]

Except she wasn't his wife when it happened. She was a young woman with no obligation to meet anyone else's expectations of what she should or should not be doing.

 

If she's a good, wholesome girl now, what difference does it make what she did once 20 years ago?

 

He likes their personal sexual exploration...is it just that he's jealous of what she did and he didn't?

[James8888]

I think you both are probably right here but I don't have a problem with the other past relationships at all.....just this one. Spectre said it was trampy....I think he's right. In fantasy it was all good. In reality not so much. Rember though, I was no saint....just never had a threesome. But, I would have if it would have come about. I think what I'm really struggling with here is that I dated (if you could call it dating) was sort of a trampy kind of girl in college. They were fun, mostly for the night. But I never wanted to marry one. Now I find out 12 years that I think I did. Hypocritical on part.

 

She only blurted out that she had stuff in her past. I sort of pressed. So, it's probably my fault that I know. As far as slamming...yes I'm with Spectre. In her description it was just pure lustful sex...no feeling. She said it was awesome and would recommend it to anyone. I guess I was fishing for "it was awkward and I'd only do it the one time". I guess you should be cautious what you wish for.

[norajane]

I guess it doesn't help to know that you have a double standard when it comes to the sexual behavior of men and women.

 

Like I said, the news is fresh. It'll pass.

[Spectre]

Except she wasn't his wife when it happened. She was a young woman with no obligation to meet anyone else's expectations of what she should or should not be doing.

 

Which really isnt the point.

 

If she's a good, wholesome girl now, what difference does it make what she did once 20 years ago?

 

It can change the perception of who he thought she was.

 

He likes their personal sexual exploration...is it just that he's jealous of what she did and he didn't?

 

I never saw any mention of being jealous he didnt have a threesome.

 

Really, the point remains: nothing wrong with not liking the image of your wife having sex with two guys at once.

 

You can spew this sexual exploration crap all you want, what is there to explore? Theres no secret you magically unlock by adding another penis to the scenario. Sure, experimenting with different positions, or even a member of the same sex is understandable. But another guy is, like the OP just said, pure lustful wanting to get slammed by two dudes. and yeah: that is skanky.

[James8888]

Yes, I have a double standard here. And, I hate that about myself. I thought I was above that....I really did. But, in the end I guess I'm just your typical guy here.

 

Norajane is right though, I am little jealous that she had this and never did. I'm sort of a control freak and in a twisted way always wanted to be the one more experienced. I think I am sort of twisted sexually I think. And that bothers me too. I have total mixed emotions about this. One the one hand, I'd have done it. And, I really don't blame her for doing it. She was young, free, and hadn't met me. On the other it has shown me a side of her I wasn't aware of and don't really like. I think I'm now afraid that if things ever go bad in our marriage that infidelity isn't as obscure of possibility for her as I may have thought. Now that's a stretch and goes back to my insecurities and irrational thinking again.

[norajane]

You can spew this sexual exploration crap all you want, what is there to explore? Theres no secret you magically unlock by adding another penis to the scenario. Sure, experimenting with different positions, or even a member of the same sex is understandable. But another guy is, like the OP just said, pure lustful wanting to get slammed by two dudes. and yeah: that is skanky.

 

Sorry, but there's no point debating this. Everyone has their opinions of what is and isn't skanky. Some people have these same issues about their wives/boyfriends having sex with anyone else before them, even if it's just one person. Some people think blowjobs or anal sex are skanky.

[norajane]

Yes, I have a double standard here. And, I hate that about myself. I thought I was above that....I really did. But, in the end I guess I'm just your typical guy here.

 

Norajane is right though, I am little jealous that she had this and never did. I'm sort of a control freak and in a twisted way always wanted to be the one more experienced. I think I am sort of twisted sexually I think. And that bothers me too. I have total mixed emotions about this. One the one hand, I'd have done it. And, I really don't blame her for doing it. She was young, free, and hadn't met me. On the other it has shown me a side of her I wasn't aware of and don't really like. I think I'm now afraid that if things ever go bad in our marriage that infidelity isn't as obscure of possibility for her as I may have thought. Now that's a stretch and goes back to my insecurities and irrational thinking again.

 

It's just as possible for a person who was a virgin before marriage to cheat. Maybe even more so, for they might start thinking they missed out.

[James8888]

Right again Norajane. I wouldn't want to have married a virgin. Too inexperienced and I'd always thinks she'd be wondering what she missed. I think she might be more apt to cheat than a more seasoned woman.

 

And, you're also right. To my wife this was almost half her life ago....a long, long time ago. To me, it's like it just happend. Although I know it didn't.

[James8888]

I have to check out for while guys. I'll be back tonight....that's usually when this starts to bother me more and I feel the urge of a cigarette calling. Thanks for the feedback so far. It is helping to know other's opinion.

[JamesM]

In her description it was just pure lustful sex...no feeling. She said it was awesome and would recommend it to anyone. I guess I was fishing for "it was awkward and I'd only do it the one time".

 

That is the part that jumped out at me. If she said it was okay, or it was a mistake, I wonder if you would feel different.

 

Now you wonder when you create fantasies..is she wanting to do this again?

 

I am with NJ...time will erase the hurt.

[whichwayisup]

Norajane is right though, I am little jealous that she had this and never did. I'm sort of a control freak and in a twisted way always wanted to be the one more experienced. I think I am sort of twisted sexually I think. And that bothers me too. I have total mixed emotions about this. One the one hand, I'd have done it. And, I really don't blame her for doing it. She was young, free, and hadn't met me. On the other it has shown me a side of her I wasn't aware of and don't really like. I think I'm now afraid that if things ever go bad in our marriage that infidelity isn't as obscure of possibility for her as I may have thought. Now that's a stretch and goes back to my insecurities and irrational thinking again.

 

James8+, don't let your fears, insecurities or her past ruin your marriage. She is still the same person you married, the same woman you made children with. Focus on the good things not this...It's okay to be upset, shocked, whatever, but don't let the thoughts get out of control and make you doubt her love, or who she is now.

 

Because sex isnt as taboo as a 3some. The idea of a girl having sex with a guy is not as bad as your girl getting slammed by two guys simultaneously, which is usually reserved for pornstars.

 

So if a man has a threesome with two women, does that make him a pornstar too? Or is it "COOL" and "MANLY" when it happens to a guy?

[whichwayisup]

In her description it was just pure lustful sex...no feeling. She said it was awesome and would recommend it to anyone. I guess I was fishing for "it was awkward and I'd only do it the one time".

 

James8+, did you ever have 'just sex' with a woman? Have a one night stand? Bang a woman and it really didn't mean much? If so, try to put that frame of mind into what your wife may have been feeling over 20 years ago.

 

Also remember too, sex and the mindset during the teens/early 20's is much different when one gets older, settles down and gets married.

[James8888]

Thanks for the replies guys. Would I have felt better is she had said it was a mistake? Maybe.....probably yes. Why? Not sure there. Maybe this just seems so out of character for her and that's what threw me. I know she's still the girl I married and I'm not going to let this ruin my marriage. At least I hope it won't. Tonight was better. I think just talking about this here has made me feel a lot better. Sort of like counseling you know.

 

Like with most things, I'm willing to bet this has as much to do with me as it does her. When I counsel people (funny I'm looking for counseling now) I always tell them that what you find fault in someone else it's usually what you find most unacceptable within yourself. Maybe I'm still hung up on some of the stuff I did in my past. I did bang a lot of girls in my past. I was usually a **** about it too. I'm big enough to admit that. I was a user and then I left them. I think a lot of this too has to do with me never having a 3-way. I did just about everything else. I guess I think she's got one up on me and that's hard for me to take. Now that's weak. A character flaw to be sure...but there it is staring me in the face.

 

The thought of her slamming two guys at once is still hard for me to bear but what can I do? It was a long time ago and there's nothing I can do about it now. I guess I can continue to obsess about this and have it blow up and maybe wreck a really good marriage or I can get on with life.

[Sup]

It ALMOST sounds like that you want to get permission from your wife to do this with 2 women........... That WOULD wreck your marriage, I don't recommend it, if you did that, your marriage would NEVER be the same. By the way, did you tell your wife that you never did this? Does she know you may be wanting to do this?

[whichwayisup]

Maybe this just seems so out of character for her

 

Are you the exact same person as you were when you were 20? Probably not.

 

Maybe I'm still hung up on some of the stuff I did in my past. I did bang a lot of girls in my past. I was usually a **** about it too. I'm big enough to admit that. I was a user and then I left them. I think a lot of this too has to do with me never having a 3-way.

 

Then you have issues that you need to deal with and stop putting it on your wife. She didn't do anything wrong - She was experiementing...Having fun.

 

Does she know that you I were **** about it too back then? Does she know that you were a user and then you left them? Does this upset/bug her?

 

Don't ever do the 3-some now with your wife. It will ruin your life...Leave it as a fantasy, be thankful that you have her in your life and she has you in hers. Think of your kids too! You have a good life so don't let some fantasy ruin it, k!

[whichwayisup]

I guess I can continue to obsess about this and have it blow up and maybe wreck a really good marriage or I can get on with life.

 

It's your choice. You can make things normal again or you can make things get worse...Up to you.

 

But if you come back here in 6 months saying you two are splitting up because of her past, or that you two had a threesome and it didn't work out, I'm gonna kick your butt, man! (I'm saying this with a smile on my face.)

 

IF you two DO 3-some, talk about all the positive and negative points of it. Ask yourselves this: IS afew hours of fun worth ruining your life, her life and your children's life over? Is a hotsex life worth that? Makes ya think, don't it?

[reservoirdog1]

Here's the main fact -- whatever she did 16 years ago had absolutely nothing to do with you. It was, as you say, before she even met you.

 

When it crosses your mind, try this: "I have absolutely NO RIGHT to be bothered by this. The choices she made before she met me are HER CHOICES. She is not accountable to me in any way for things she did before she met me, and she owes me no apology for any of it." Then give your head a shake (literally) and tell yourself "NO!!!" What you're trying to do is tell yourself not to think about it.

 

This is bugging you because you're just hearing about it now, even though it happened long ago. But it should be some comfort that you weren't even in the picture yet. Besides, it's only been about two weeks since you found out. Relax, spend time with her, and do nice or romantic things for her. The last thing you want is for this to f*** up your marriage.

[Adunaphel]

Maybe I'm still hung up on some of the stuff I did in my past. I did bang a lot of girls in my past. I was usually a **** about it too. I'm big enough to admit that. I was a user and then I left them.

 

This would be a *much* more troubling thing to know about your partner than he/she has had a threesome.

 

A girl who has had a threesome is not necessarily skanky (and neither is a guy).

You said it makes you feel bad to imagine her with two guy...now, honestly, is that so much different than having casual sex with someone you do not have feelings for?

 

I think norajane is right about it feeling like a recent thing since you just heard about it.

 

Concentrate on the fact that you were not even in the picture, that she had not even met you.

 

She surely would have had no threesomes if you had already been dating. Well, it's lucky you weren't because you would have probably ended up treating her badly.

 

Would you feel better if she had told you that the guys she had a threesome with had just used her?

 

This will sound ridiculous, and very far-fetched, but could it partly bug you that these guys treated her with more respect than you would have back then?