Are you kidding me?

[BannaBee57]

I decided to post this on Second Chances because it wasn't getting much action over in Coping

 

Sorry, it's a little long. But, I've got to get this out, and need input in a bad way!

 

So, tonight I went to my fav. kareoke bar to rock out with a group of my friends (including the new guy I'm interested in).

 

Who do you think shows up there? My ex of course! He was alone and made up some lame excuse that he saw my best friend (his cousin's wife) had posted a bulletin on Myspace about where we would be tonight. He claimed he wanted to see her sing and "make a fool of herself". What?

 

This man is not a bar hopper by any means, so I find it almost appalling that he decided to come out to the one bar we were at, knowing full well that I would certainly be in attendence (as my friend and I go out together every Friday).

 

Well, I saw him as a went up to get a drink; he was just standing by himself at the door looking like a lost puppy. I had been preparing for this day (though I didn't think it would be so soon) so I just walked up to him and said "hey, what brings you here?". He told me he had nothing else to do and read my friends bulletin so he "decided to stop in and thought we were 'at the point' where we could hang out together". I don't know how he got this impression but I said "that's cool". Then I went to get my drink and sat down to watch the singers. He stayed and kinda sat in the corner of our table for about 20 minutes talking to my friend. All of a sudden he got up, said "bye" to my friend and left!

 

I asked her what they were talking about and she said he asked how I was doing and said that I "looked good" (I've lost 30 lbs). So, I asked her what she told him and here's where the sh*t hits the fan. She said that I was "working though it"!! This is right after I told her to say I'm doing "great" if he ever asks about me! I can not believe she did this to me! All she had to say for herself was "Well, it's the truth. I wasn't going to lie to him". Then, she told me he left because he felt it was too uncomfortable for me! Really? I wonder why.

 

Then, about 1 minute later he calls me. I know I shouldn't have answered but I couldn't help it! I picked up and right away he is like "I know you're busy but could you call me tomorrow? I'd like to talk to you about some stuff". I said, "It's fine, I'll go outside and you can tell me what you need to right now". So, he procedes to apologise for showing up unannounced and freaking me out and then let out this stream of crap I didn't need to hear..."he didn't know if I was OK yet or not, my happiness is so important to him, worrying about me has caused him anxiety, he wants us to be able to be friends especialy since we have all these mutual friends, he wants to know if he did the right thing by leaving me and a 'sign of that would be if I'm happy', and Jessie never tells him anything about me so he doesn't know how I am blah, blah, blah". It was such a load of sh*it!

 

Well, I tried to play it cool and acted like I was really moving on. But, inside I just wanted to scream "No, I'm not OK and you have just ruined 3 months of hard earned sanity on my part"! But, we chatted a bit, I tried to stay away from the relationship and just talk about new stuff in my life but he just kept bringing up how bad he felt about the whole situation and that he should have called sooner to see how I was doing. He even said something like "I just feel like we are so distant now, for all I know you have a new boyfriend"! He ended it when he started to hear me shivver (Minnesota winters) but said he'd call me in a few days to talk more.

 

 

A little background: He broke up with me almost 4 months ago and we've had very very low contact since. We were together for 2.5 years and lived together for 9 months before the official breakup. We only talk once a month about how much I owe him for the phone bill. I did not cry/beg him to stay with me when we broke up, but told him in a card that I still loved him and wanted to work things out. So, we didn't fight or cheat or anything but, it's not like we're friends, even though I still want him back and think about him constantly The thing is, he's a very blunt person and I think if he wanted me back he would have come right out and said it but, he could have been intimidated by all the people/guys there?

Here's a more detailed history if you'd like to read it...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97806/

 

 

What do you guys think this was all about? Was he really "just stopping in and wants to be friends" or was it something more? Help me stop over-analyzing everything!

[Jane Doe]

Well it sounds like he's remorseful. How do you feel? Would you consider getting back with him? If you feel in your heart that you're better off apart, stop talking to him. Having any conversation with him at all will only open up old wounds. At this point it's too early to tell if he was sincere of it he was just feeling you out and trying to boost his ego and/or ease any guilt he's been feeling.

 

By the way, congrats on the weight loss. How did you do it?

[fjk82]

Okay I just read your OLD post and the 1 thing that keeps coming back into my head is the comment he made about wanting to find someone he can/wants to marry and how that isn't you..Ouch! That hurts and that would have killed me..

 

About the situation last night..If he didn't want to see you, etc there would have been NO WAY he would have showed up there especially knowing you would be there. To me that shows he is thinking of you, wants to see you, etc. Im sure he felt uncomfortable HIMSELF and that is why he left but its easy for him to say I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable so I left that is BS hes the one that felt funny. He wanted to see you and then he calls as soon as he leaves the bar? Come on girl to me it souns like he misses you..If he is still feeding you the lines of friendship only and your heart wants more then you need to stay in NC..Just like you are telling me..Keep going out with your girls, keep dating and wow AWESOME JOB on losing 30lbs!!! tell me your secret

[miss snoopy]

Hmm.. you need to be careful. As I posted some time ago, I was privy to my ex's emails so I know how he treated his ex before me and he insisted, almost to the point of begging her, on remaining "friends" with romantic undertones which kept her (and still keeps her) hanging on, just in case... and in the meantime he started dating others, initially casually, then me seriously.

 

He could be missing you, wanting to touch base, regretting his actions... but don't do anything because this is slowly shifting to you being in the driving seat - use it well. I'd just continue NC or LC as if this never happened, effectively treating him as a stranger who may/may not be interested in starting a relationship with you.

 

As Jane Doe said, it also depends on what you want. If you want him back just play it like you did when he was chasing you at the start, when you were a happy, single, independent person who never gave him more than a second's thought (as of course you weren't in love with him as you didn't know him!)

 

Aaargh exes! Why can't life be simple and straightforward with them?

[BannaBee57]

Thanks for the suggestions ladies!

 

I do still want him back and feel as though we could really make it work if only we could try again. I wonder if he is realising that he won't have it easy finding someone better than me. He hasn't dated since the break up to my knowledge even though he was ready to get out there and look for Ms. Right when we had our final talk. He doesn't have many friends or a social circle so I imagine it's been hard for him (he even told me he's been lonley).

 

Gosh, I was doing so good and now I've been a crying mess all day talking to my sister and friends. They think he was trying to feel me out last night to see if I would welcome any sort of friendly contact with him. I just still can't get over why my friend said I was "still working through it"!

 

I just keep going back and forth in my head about it. If he wanted me back would he have said something then or was he feeling me out to see if I was receptive? Or was he just trying to be friendly? Was he intimidated by the other guys so felt he had to leave? I'm over-analyzing, I know.

 

I've decided that I won't call him myself but if he calls I'll be nice and positive. If he doesn't call I will let our mutual friends know that they can invite him out with us some night in a few week just to show him that I am not opposed to seeing him. Then, depending on how he acts around me I will decided if he wants me back or just wanted to touch base. Either way I'll be letting my fellow LSers know all about it.

 

By the way, I lost the weight very easily...by not really eating anything for about 2 months after the breakup and then joining a gym last month to tone up. It felt so good to know that I was lookin' pretty smokin last night too! Oh, I was wearing some sexy high heels so I was a bit taller than him...it was funny!

 

So anyway, how does my plan sound? Any feedback helps.

[phoenix21]

Hi BannaBee57.

 

I know what you mean about over analyzing things. I tend to do the same. I think you're doing great focusing on yourself. I know it's not easy because I have my moments myself. I've been broken up for almost 3 months. About a month ago, I decided to just leave her alone completely. She's been showing to my church the past 2 weeks and I don't know what she's trying to do. I don't want to think about it too much and over analyze it.

 

I don't think it's a bad plan. I'm trying to figure out what I should do. Whether I should try to attract my ex back after a period of NC or just continue with NC and hope she comes back on her own. I've read that you have to try to attract them back to you, but only after a period of NC and improving on yourself.

 

Just remember, action speaks louder than words.

[BannaBee57]

Thanks for your input Phoenix.

 

When you say "actions speak louder than words" does that mean you think him showing up last night meant more than him saying he wants to be friends and left because he thought I was uncomfortable? Ugh, I'm so confused!

 

I hope things work out for you though. I think the idea of letting them be and trying to improve yourself is the best plan. That way if they come back you will be in a better position to think the situation over and if they don't return then you will be in a better position to move on and find someone new!

[phoenix21]

BannaBee57

 

It's obvious that he went there to see you. Why he wanted to see you is anyone's guess. Try not to think about it too much because it's going to drive you crazy. I do the same and I know it's easier said than done. My ex has showed up at my church the past 2 weeks and I don't know why because she can easily go to another church. My guess is that she's checking up on me, but for what reason, I don't know.

 

When I say action speaks louder than words, I mean you always want to look at their action, especially in situations like this. There was a period in my situation that most of the things I ex said didn't match what her actions were. Try to pay more attention to the actions than the words of you ex, but at the same time, don't over analyze it. Try to keep it simple.

[daphne]

Banna,

 

I agree with Snoopy. Been there, done that. My ex came around looking very puppy dog like and contrite. He was trying to make sure I hadn't gone too far and couldn't live without him. He still left in the end though, which was shortly after his puppy dog act.

 

If he wants you back he'll say it in no uncertain terms. If you pursue this you're going to have to ask the tough questions such as why he has changed his mind now. He said he couldn't see himself marrying you and that's pretty blunt truth. That usually doesn't change and I'm afraid he's only coming back around because he's lonely. If he knew he had made a mistake he'd have told you.

 

I'm sorry but I don't really see this as having a fairy tale ending. I think he's scared and lonely.

[D-Lish]

He absolutely came there to see you. No doubt in my mind about that... and I think you know that too. Why he wants to see you is something only he can tell you.

 

Is this a friend group that he was involved in before you guys got together?

 

His motives for why he wanted to see you are anyone's guess. It's possible he's having second thoughts... it's possible he's lonley. Just be patient and wait for him to call. It seems positive he wants to talk about "stuff", so wait for him to call, don't push it with him.

 

In the meantime, just keep focusing on yourself.

 

I too lost 40 pounds on the "divorce diet" about 5 years ago. Then I lost a few more on the "break up diet" a few months ago. If I get my heart broken again I'm going to fade away to nothing! It's good you are staying healthy by undertaking a gym program.... it's not healthy to simply "not eat" (I speak from experience!)

 

Good for you.

D

[BannaBee57]

Thanks again for your responses girls. I know if he wants back in I won't just let him waltz through the front door. We'll have to have some serious conversations!

 

It's just so strange how I feel now that this has actualy happened. I used to think "if he would just call me I would feel so much better". Now that we have talked I actualy feel worse. I don't know what he wants and my emotions are just everywhere. I'm actualy kind of angery that he thought it was OK to show up/call me and disturb my healing process just to appease his own guily (if thats what he was really doing). I don't want to get any hopes up so I'm just telling myself that he really did want to know how I am and now that he knows I'm still alive he will just fade away again. The ony thing is, the last words he said to me were "OK, we'll talk soon then". I'm not expecting anything...that's for sure.

 

To answer your question D-lish, the people I was out with were ALL my friends. He didn't even know most of the people there and he never went to bars before anyway, so it was so weird seeing him at one! The only person there that he knew apart form me was his cousin's wife who he doesn't even like.

 

Yeah, I just weighed myself today and I'm actualy at the weight that my drivers licence says! Pretty soon I'll be living a lie The "not eating" thing was only for a few months and wasn't really intentional...I just couldn't do it. But, I'm back to my old self now, scarfing down anything in site. I'm just going to the gym now so I feel OK about it. Thanks for your concern though

 

We'll I 'll keep everyone posted on if he even calls or not...

[D-Lish]

Well B,

 

It's obvious he's wanting something. Yeah, it does suck to have your healing process interrupted. Somehow, even though we have had very little contact, my ex has the power to do that to me. It's either his friends e-mailing wanting to get together, or his brief lapse of judgment during otherwise solid periods of NC where he showed up on my doorstep one night and I turned him away.

 

WTF? He nees to make up his mind, or back off and leave you alone to get on with your life.

 

The fact that he showed up when they were your friends that were out, is testimony to the fact that he went there to see you. One would think it would be appropriate to follow up with that phone call he promised. How long has it been since that night? A couple days?

 

It does bring back feelings of pain and anger and confusion. But I can tell you, that after my ex showed up and intruded on my life I felt devastated again- like I was back to square one. But that didn't last long, I bounced back pretty quick.

 

I think it's a rite of passage for a female to go through that not eating stage. We are affected physically by heartbreak- The stress congregates like a million butterflies in our stomaches! I don't think I ate for months following my divorce! I was all fainty and zombie like for such a long while. But we snap back. I used to over eat when I was stressed, now for some reason the thought of food makes me ill when I'm upset. It's not so good though- I have no boobs anymore!

lol.

 

You seem to be doing well- especially prior to this set back. Just keep in mind that this man really hurt you once before. I think you're in a position to say no to him if he doesn't make a concrete decision over what he really wants. Telling someone "you're not the girl I see my myself marrying" is a pretty freakin' devastating thing to say to someone who loves you. Who knows what he's been thinking about since that time. Sometimes people change their minds after an opportunity to take space and really think about what they want.

 

Regardless of the outcome, you seem to have the emotional tools necessary to get yourself through this. If he's not prepared to come back and give it his all- there is someone out there for you that will.

 

Keep us posted!

D

[Searching]

Any number of things might be going on in your ex's head. The important point is that it's not in your best interest spending a whole lot of time trying to figure it out. Keep doing what you're doing by putting on a strong, confident exterior- even though you may feel a little differently inside. If you two are meant to be together- it will only happen by a strong effort on his part to earn you back. Let go of any thoughts of controlling the situation and let it play out. You'll know soon enough if he wants back in. Keep your expectations low.

[gonetildecember]

Let go of any thoughts of controlling the situation and let it play out.

 

I understand what you mean Searching but its so hard to do that.

 

I've tried countless times to "encourage/force" a reconciliation.. but it will only make things worse when it doesn't work... Just keep your head up..sounds like he did go intentionally to see you.. maybe he's still working things out.. but at least it looked like he missed you..

 

Just take things slow.. try not to let it consume you.. but I wish you luck.

[BannaBee57]

Thanks again you guys

 

This all went down on Friday night so I guess I wouldn't expect a call from him for a few days...maybe a week or so. But, if he doesn't call I'm just going to pretend like it never happened. I let him know it was OK to call me or hang out with our mutual friends together so we'll see what happens. Either way, I think I will look like I'm the one who came out on top because I wasn't the one sniffing around and calling, it was him. At least I can tell myself that

 

The only thing I keep replaying in my head is when he said "If you're happy and OK then it's a sign that I made the right decision". I shouldn't have even responded to that but I got weak and said "Well, even if I wasn't it wouldn't really change anything, would it"? He didn't really answer that at all...just kind of hummed and hawed. From what he saw, it was obvious that I was "happy and OK". I was having a really good night! So maybe he saw what he needed to see and now he'll disappear again. Who know?

 

I just wish it never happened.

[gonetildecember]

Thanks again you guys

 

This all went down on Friday night so I guess I wouldn't expect a call from him for a few days...maybe a week or so. But, if he doesn't call I'm just going to pretend like it never happened. I let him know it was OK to call me or hang out with our mutual friends together so we'll see what happens. Either way, I think I will look like I'm the one who came out on top because I wasn't the one sniffing around and calling, it was him. At least I can tell myself that

 

The only thing I keep replaying in my head is when he said "If you're happy and OK then it's a sign that I made the right decision". I shouldn't have even responded to that but I got weak and said "Well, even if I wasn't it wouldn't really change anything, would it"? He didn't really answer that at all...just kind of hummed and hawed. From what he saw, it was obvious that I was "happy and OK". I was having a really good night! So maybe he saw what he needed to see and now he'll disappear again. Who know?

 

I just wish it never happened.

 

Maybe he did just need to see.. but then again.. i know when i am having trouble just coming out and saying how i feel or what i want.. i ask questions like that hoping that the other person will respond with ...u know.. well what if im not okay.. which leaves room for him to feel more confident about what he wants to say... DOES THAT MAKE SENSE lol.. i dunno.. maybe there was more to his question.. but leave it up to him.. dont say anything... if its meant to happen he will initiate contact again.. keep ur head up sweetie.. good luck

[Ukwizard]

Hey, Banna. Nice photo. I`d take you back any day. lol

 

Yeas, you are right in reading into this scenario. I can`t give a comment on your ex`s intentions, but he`s made a concious effort to go out. If he`s not the out going type. Then his actions is definitely speaking louder than words.

 

The fact of the matter is your ex is still thinking of you. The advantage here is that you are still on talking terms. My ex, and I have stopped talking altogether.

 

You seem really important to your ex now. As soon as he leaves he calls you. I think he`s going through a lonely phase. He`s going through some emotional problems himself.

 

When your with him, always be polite. Don`t question, or analyse everything he says or does. Be fun, be happy, and be the one he`s attracted to.

[BannaBee57]

Hey UKWIZARD

 

Thanks for getting back to me and thanks for the confidence boost...it's an old pic but I haven't changed much

 

He hasen't contacted me since that night. I was really friendly on the phone, so I don't think I said anything pressuring or mean. My friend, who I mentioned earlier, went out with some work friends to the same bar and invited me, but I didn't go. However, the ex went with them (need I remind you that he almost never goes out, especailly to bars). I wonder if he thought I'd be there, since I'm usually at that bar every Friday doing my karoake thing.

 

I also wonder if he thinks the ball is in my court for making contact again now that he has made the initial move. My sister thinks this is the case. He did say "you can call me any time". My sis thinks I should ask him to help me set up my new computer next week since he always helped me with this kind of stuff in the past and he loves to fiddle with computer type things.

 

So, should I give him a call sometime or just pretend the last contact never happened and wait for him to contact me again (if he ever does)?

[gonetildecember]

Tough Question, i know we're supposed to be all about sticking to NC, but he might be waiting for u to make some sort of move.. u know, maybe his contact was to test the waters..

 

this is gonna sound really funny, but i remember.. i was in a similar situation with one of my ex's and he changed his msn name to "i have no idea how to write an essay- can anyone help" (i always used to help him).. so i msg'd and said.. what kinda help were u looking for.. and he told me later on that he actually put it up hoping i would respond.. so.. what im getting at... although its somewhat childish, is you could do something like that (since u said he always used to help) and see if he offers..

 

just an idea lol

[BannaBee57]

Hmm. I guess I could post a Myspace bulletin or something...

 

Good suggestion GTD. Thanks!

[Ukwizard]

Hey Banna,

 

Yeah, you are right again! You`ve not chnaged at all. I ve seen you in your halloween costume. Aw! You are so cute. I m not usre why your ex won`t take you back right away. You are a very atractive woman.

 

Be strong Banna, and like I said above. You are indeed a VERY attractive woman. You can have any man you want, but I m not sure why you stil want your ex back.

 

My ex said i had my chance. She`s going out dating YET again!! This is her 8th boyfriend in 24 months. I feel down, but yet I hope to apire to be the best boyfriend my ex ever had. I was the longest out of all the men she dated, at a puny 7 months.

 

Anyway Banna, the halloween costume you have on. You remind me of Nicole Kidman. I have to say - you have the sweetest smile, and thats to die for.

 

Take time with your ex. I think, he`s having a chnage of mind. I mean come on. He`s not the outgoing type. He goes to a bar by himself? He bumps into you. Talks to you, and then proceeds to call you after a `accidental meeting`.

 

All the signs tell me that he wants you back. Hold on though! I don`t know your ex, and what his real intentions are. Whatever they may be. Don`t act any different. Let him come back to you. It will take, time and patience. This will be a test for you, and what ever you do, don`t jump to any conclusions, and dive right back in to you ex. He just needs some time to sort his feelings out. So don`t go chasing after him yet.

 

Give it a couple of days, and weeks to see if he come around.

 

Remember. If you let go of something, and it doesnt come back. It was`n yours to begin with!!

[BannaBee57]

Awww, thanks again UKwizard! Now I feel all pretty

 

You know how it is though...I guess I still want him back because he's so familiar and I probably really just love the idea of him at this point...who knows

 

OK, so I won't contact him now. I'll give it a little while to see what his intentions are, but now I can't get the thought out of my head that he thinks it's my turn to do the contacting now I'm so confused.

 

If he doesn't make any contact maybe I'll give him a call after Christmas to see how he's doing?? Hmmm, he's still got some of my nice Christmas ornaments too. Oh well, maybe I'll get them back someday.

[BannaBee57]

God, I really wish I hadn't run into him at the bar that night because it really interupted my healing process. If only he hadn't called after I think I'd be doing OK.

 

My friend just called to tell me that the guy I've been hanging out with a lot lately just messaged her on Myspace asking her if she thought I'd be interested in a relationship and how he should proceed. I told her to write that he should "take things really slow and don't expect too much out of things right now". The sad thing is, if I hadn't seen or talked to the ex that night I would be telling her to write "Go for it!".

 

I'm so confused...I just want to move on, but I can't. He gave me too much hope with that phone call. I really want to call him, but I know it won't help. He would have contacted me by now if he really wanted to.

 

Sorry guys, I just needed to rant and let it out a little