Need HLP with gaining control before NC

[hollywood24]

EDIT: I forgot to mention that this was initally a mutual break-up. But I DID initiate it.

 

EDIT: major emergency, check post 2

 

Ok, I will give you a little background so you can better understand the situation. First i will copy and paste part of a post i made for someone else. My question is at the end. You can skip to my question if you like, and if you need/want more info about what has happened to answer it, you can read the following post. Also any advice about the relationship in general will help a lot. Thanks!

 

This whole post is to give a little background info, to help you decide if the txt msg I want to send her, is good before going into NC. I have gone 1 day NC since our last talk on friday, but don't feel like it is on good enough terms to continue with NC. We went as long as 3-4 days before our 2nd talk on wednesday before thanksgiving, I called her that night for some reason, it wasnt to talk about us, but i forget why i called, she said me calling her caught her off guard, i think she said because we hadnt talked in a few days, anyone know what she meant by it?

 

"To relate to you: In the first week and maybe a little of the second week, she would call me to make sure I was ok if I was going out, and would always IM me on AIM as soon as I logged on and stuff, (this was before I said maybe we should get back together). To make a long story short, I pushed it a little to much (after asking her to get back together) and now she is scared to get hurt again (about 1 1/2 - 2 weeks into the breakup, when I asked her about getting back together, she was scared like she is now, but sounded like she was really thinking about it, then I said wait (for her sake, I didn't want her to go through so much in such a short amount of time etc..., now I'm saying we should again etc...what a dumbass) now she just wants to wait, if we're meant to be, we will someday, she still really cares about me, wants me to get a job, my life together etc (she told me she was head over heels for me, and she really really really liked me a lot from the begining, and could see us starting a family in the future). But she is very hurt. The main thing I am scared about is her finding someone else :O"

 

Now we have had some discussions about this. The first time was when I first mentioned to her about getting back together. She was crying a little saying she didnt know, she has to think about it. That is when I txt her that night and talked to her that night (i think, or it was the next day).

 

The second time was Wednesday before thanksgiving. I went over to her house, tried to get her close after I had been there for a while, and she was kinda scared, but she was giggling, saying your gonna try to get fresh with me etc. I tried to kiss her, and she said no she doesn't want this, us. Then we talked about it that night, and it was a little argumentive, and I was a little to "I'll change I miss you, said I was being stupid, etc". But we ended the night on a good note. The next day I was hurting REALLY bad, and I deleted her from my myspace, she sent me a message and said why did you delete me. I said, "I dont know, i guess im trying to forget about you." I heard nothing back. The next day (which is now friday), a day after I deleted her, and sent her the message. Well now it is night time, around 6-7. My txt msging was canceled, so I finally got it reactivated and sent her a msg saying "testing". She said "got it." i said, so what are you up to tonight. I got nothing back. So i said something, like, "or not then thats cool to lol, some other time then" turns out she didn't get the one when I asked her what she was doing cause she replied with "what?" She was gonna hang out with a guy friend who was in town from michigan who she had been friends with for 2 1/2 years, who she met at one of his concerts (not a big band) but ever really hung out. Just talked on AIM, and probably phone to. I didnt act upset by it, cause she told me the other week she was going to be hangin out with him cause he was coming home for thanksgiving. So, I called her up cause the text msgs were gettin backedup. We we very tense for the first couple mins, because she was upset that I deleted her from my friends and myspace, and thought we were cool from our talk on wednesday night, she wants everything to be cool with us. then I REALLY eased the tension by talking very calmly, and like i wasn't pissed about ANYTHING, and we talked about what happened between us again and stuff. She would tell me how she didnt want me to wait for her, and to date other girls if i want, but she wasnt ready to get back into a relationship with me and stuff. She said that she cares deeply about me, etc.

 

Now she hasn't put me in ignore mode yet. She still answered when I called, and txt her. I feel that I did not hang up on a good enough note to go into NC. I felt that I left everything in her hands, which is not good. As I was typing this, I logged onto aim and she was on. She signed off within a couple mins of me signing on. Could mean something, maybe not, but it got me thinking, which is bad of me I know. Or it sure could have been a test to see if I would call/txt.

 

Anyways, here is the txt I will send her. I haven't sent it yet.

 

"Hey.... sorry for being stupid this past week/few days. u know thats not me, and im a cool guy, thats why you like me so much . Anyways, good luck, maybe ill see u around someday, maybe not. But dont miss me to much, i know im a hottie, but jeese, gimme a break! So long"

 

Now I'm not sure if I assumed as much control there as I should/want to. It feels like it's missing something. Anything short of perfect, won't really help. I am also debating whether or not to take out the "so long." I want it to seem like, "yeah im moving on, time is running out" But not, "yeah im moving on and im glad you dont want me and I never want you, and dont txt me back."

 

I am also curious as to what happened with the guy the other night lol. We are cool grounds with her hangin with him, I didnt get jealous or anything. I did ask her if she liked him, and did she think anything would happen, and what would happen if she did. She said she dont think anything will, and she doesnt know what she would do if he tried anything like kissing her. I told her I didnt care but I was curious. I establish that all I wanted was honesty, and if she wanted see other people, that was cool with me, I just like her to be honest with me if I ask something cause its important to me for someone to be up straight up with me. Would I be able to non-chalantly ask if they did anything, like in a joking way, without it hurting the situation?

 

But this guys seems to be posting on her myspace somewhat often this past few days now, but he lives in like 4 hrs away in mihcigan sooo.....

 

All advice is much appreciated.

[hollywood24]

so i txted her this exactly:

 

"Hey.... sorry for being stupid this past week/few days. u know thats not me, and im a cool guy, thats why u like me so much . anyways, good luck with life, maybe ill see u around someday, maybe not. But whatev. But dont miss me to much, i know im a hottie, but jeese, gimme a break! Be good! so long!"

 

she responds maybe 10-15 mins later with this:

 

"Its ok sorry for being dumb too i wish you nothing but the best in everything! See u around too."

 

this is definitely not what I expected. What do you guys think?

[simon_uk]

I think she is going her own way. Sorry.

[Smung]

Hollywood,

Going to be brutal here, but it’s because I sympathize with you and want to help.

You are over analyzing things! Think about in actions not in what is said.

“Wish you nothing but the best in everything!” this little sentence is almost exactly what my ex said in a few messages to me. I will translate for you “MOVE ON” I suggest you do just that. The problem is, the more you analyze and seek meaning in the words of the ex. The more you get stuck in what if’s. It doesn’t matter in what state you go into NC. It matters that you do it and stick to it! NC does wonders for helping YOU get over the person who “Claimed” to care. The truth is that your ex didn’t care enough to work on the relationship, nor did they care enough to cut it off and not string you along.

Also, your little message came off to me as weak… Never… look weak in the eyes of an ex. It’s a huge turn off. You want to show confidence and that you’re doing just fine without the ex in your life.

Next time you feel the urge to write, text, call, etc your ex. DON’T.. Stop sit back and write your thoughts out here. You will get support from people willing to help.

Hang in there it gets much better and in no time you’ll find someone better who deserves you!

[theadventure50120]

Man , you sound like me in the first few weeks of the break up, and i can't believe i acted like this. Your trying to hard and to fast. That's never going to work. Your doing that because you don't want her to forget about you.

 

I have gone 1 day NC since our last talk on friday, but don't feel like it is on good enough terms to continue with NC. We went as long as 3-4 days before our 2nd talk on wednesday before thanksgiving, I called her that night for some reason, it wasnt to talk about us, but i forget why i called, she said me calling her caught her off guard, i think she said because we hadnt talked in a few days, anyone know what she meant by it?

Don't worry about gaining power before going into NC. Just vanish. If anything she will be wondering where you gone if you called her and texted her all the time. She doesn't want you doing that all the time.

 

This is what i did when i broke up...

 

1st day - asked if we could sort something out to make us both happy. 3rd day - poem and letter saying i missed her , made her mad and she came and got her things , i was drinking so when she came i looked ok and she looked sad. 5th day - Tried to remind her of the good times. 6th day - Deleted her from myspace , Few days later she was questioning me about me deleting her and i been busy doing things with other girls.

 

Before me deleting her i said hope you are happy with life and get the job you always wanted or something like that. I got pretty much the same reply as you.

 

None of it works , you have to stop trying. It will push her away. I found the site 2-3weeks after the break up i was a complete and utter mess if i say so myself lol. NC was hard i was counting everyday i did , now i don't , i sometimes forget how many i done. I was trying to hard. Then about 5-6weeks ago i stopped doing it , i stopped making the effort to talk to her online , i got accused of ignoring her...but , why didn't she talk to me? She wanted to be my friend she said. Blames everyone but herself

 

I made the call 3weeks ago as you know , was ok but was pointless didn't do anything. Then i vanished. With her trying to get some attention from me a week later, which she never got.

 

Go NC , don't contact her UNTIL you don't care no more , your sounding way to desperate like you need her to live I wrote alot about what happened to me because it relates to you in a way. Although i never tried to kiss her , i did try about 5secs after she broke up with me to calm her down

[hollywood24]

well, is there andthing i can say to void what I just said lol. I thought the message came off as more of, "I dont need you, I'm moving on"

 

Honestly. I will NOT find a girl as good as her, thats why I'm so pissed I ****ed thing up. I have actually known her since we we very young, as she is my twins cousins best friend. But we didn't really talk to each other ever until the last couple years.

[theadventure50120]

Yes , go NC.

 

Most girls don't like needy guys , well the ones i asked anyway. I remeber the last few words me and my ex said...it was a little argument about me wanting to spend the whole day with her , i seen her most days but it was her day off work that day. I wanted to see her to much , therefore to needy and seemed like i didn't have a life of my own. Well i didn't i forgot about all my friends , i didn't even notice it lol.

 

I don't even like talking about her now , i realize what a bitch she was

 

Someone posted after you above saying you sound desperate or whatever also , just vanish , work on yourself. Your not going to get her back with trying the way you are. The best way your going to get her back is if you don't care no more , like when you first met, remeber? I bet you didn't care what happened. Why did you break up for? did i miss it?

 

EDIT - well no not desperate he said weak lol , that's the word i wanted lol.

[theadventure50120]

Well actually i didn't talk about your text , i was talking about your actions just after the break up.

[hollywood24]

so i txted her this exactly:

 

"Hey.... sorry for being stupid this past week/few days. u know thats not me, and im a cool guy, thats why u like me so much . anyways, good luck with life, maybe ill see u around someday, maybe not. But whatev. But dont miss me to much, i know im a hottie, but jeese, gimme a break! Be good! so long!"

 

she responds maybe 10-15 mins later with this:

 

"Its ok sorry for being dumb too i wish you nothing but the best in everything! See u around too."

 

this is definitely not what I expected. What do you guys think?

 

The whole txt was to try to show here I didnt care.

 

The break up ended up being mutual. But I brought it up. It started about us both talking about differences in what we wanted or something,I said I didnt know if I was ready to give my heart away, wanted to have fun, and a bunch of really dumb stuff. She took it as a slap in the face she told me, because she was head over heals for me the whole time, and she honestly put SO MUCH into the relationship and she feels almost taken for granted. She says it almost feels like she wasted her time because we didn't feel the same (or so we thought, obviously that isn't the case now). She is kind of holding a grudge in a sense that she asks to herself, why didn't he know that he felt this way before, because we were dating for a year and not after the break-up. Basically, she is scared to get hurt from me again. I've told her that I know there is nothing I can say or do to get you to trust me again, she said it's something I (as in her) needs to work on. Which I kinda said also. She has only been hurt in relationships (breakups), and she said that it hurt the most with me.

 

That's basically what happened. I'll most likely add to it later.

 

I hope NC will still work now. I had full control the WHOLE relationship, and was trying to get it back with that txt. I was right, the txt was missing something, I got impatient and sent it like a retard.

[hollywood24]

yeah, my actions weren't the greatest, thats why I wanted to txt and try to end on a note like I didn't care. That's where the txt came in.

 

Also, I was her first time, for pretty much everything if that has anything to do with anything.

[hollywood24]

any other opinions?

[hollywood24]

So I'm starting to handle it really well. Whenever I start to think about it or feel sad, I just tell myself that she will miss me and want to come back to me. I do this for a couple of different reasons.

 

1. Telling myself she will come back makes me happy, duh

2. If she really loves/loved me she will, see pt 3

3. I know the only way she will possibly come back is for me to go NC, and while going NC I know it will help me forget about her and move on anyways even if she ends up not coming back.

 

I also picked up a myspace tracker. I'm going COMPLETE NC, not signing on to my myspace, AIM or ANYTHING. She has already checked my myspace 3 times today. Once was last night, but it was 12am so it counts as today.

 

She could be checking it for a number of reason such as to see if i have girls posting, or to see if I am still around etc. A week or two ago she to me on AIM that I hadn't been on my myspace in 2 days. So she has been keeping tabs. best thing to do is not sign on and make her wonder what I am really doing.

 

I also WILL be seeing her or a day or two before christmas no question as she will be at my cousins house as she is every holiday. I already have planned to just say hey ONLY if she says anything, and act like she's no big deal, and go back to what I was doing before and pretty much ignore her the whole night. Any suggestions? Any suggestion on if she breaks my NC earlier than that, with myspace, aim, txt or anything? I know the basic dont reply for a while and keep it short and act like she's no big deal.

[theadventure50120]

Where did you get your tracker from? What's the link.

 

My views just shot up 6 times

[hollywood24]

thespacetracker.com and myspacelog.com

[hollywood24]

i was acually thinkging about deleting my myspace entirely. i dont use it that much. When I deleted it last time she got kinda fussy about it. She didnt make a big deal but she did say something about it. Something like "whatever" in a joking way and stuff like that. When ever I would joke about deleting it before she would say something also. She was the one who got me to make one before we were dating anyways. It could take the NC one step further and possibly make her think even more? What do you guys think? Seems like it would give me a little more control in a way.