Feelings for female coworker!

[uplooker80]

Ok, here goes. Please read this through, because I am hurting and need a little help. I’m not the greatest writer, but I’ll try my best. You may at the very least get a chuckle out of the situation I got myself into.

 

Almost 3 years ago, a woman was hired in our department. It is generally acknowledged that she is attractive, and I think she knows it, but she does not have a superiority complex because of it. She seems to be very down to earth.

 

I find her extremely attractive. She always tries to look nice at work, i.e. clothes, makeup and is very friendly. I’m sure she is used to getting plenty of male attention. From all appearances, she has a busy, well balanced family lifestyle.

 

She’s in her late 40's, and I never thought before now that any woman that age, happily married with children would look this good to me. To be rude about it, she is a total MILF. She is very intelligent. I am also in my late 40's and happily married with children.

 

Over the years we’ve exchanged the usual small talk at work. I have confided in her with some personal family issues, and she has done the same with me. She sent me a few unsolicited e-mails with words of encouragement for family problems I was having at the time that she perceptively picked up on. I found them very helpful and touching.

 

I have attempted to flirt with her at various times. I’m not sure what my motivation was…maybe curiosity and hormones. At first, I thought my flirtation was well received, then on a later attempt she gave an odd response that I took as a negative reaction, so I stopped.

 

When I talk to her, I usually let my guard down, and tell her more details about my problems than I should.

 

We once discussed infidelity, which was a topic of office gossip that particular day, and she firmly conveyed to me that there is absolutely no room for that in her life; she is committed to her husband 100%. She could not have been clearer on this point. Her moral fiber is very resolute.

 

What is important to note, is that up to this point, while I was attracted to her, I had no feelings for her other than liking her.

 

From reading the above, it all sounds very shallow, but in general, things were proper between us. You may get the impression that I am always after her, but that is far from the truth.

 

Here’s where the trouble starts.

 

About a month ago, she asked me about a particularly painful situation I have in my family, that she already knew a bit about, but wanted to know more as a way to help me. I completely opened up to her, to the point of tears in my eyes and I think hers as well. This was an emotional event for me. And the end result is that I think I fell in love with her right then and there. At least I think it is love. Whatever it is called, it is strong.

 

Now I think about her almost all of the time. I am jealous of male coworkers who talk to her about things not related to work. Oddly, I am not jealous of her husband. It is as if my rational side can see her as a committed married woman, with me as a committed married man, and my emotional “out of control” side sees her in isolation at work as a woman I love.

 

I was going to write her a confession, but I ended up not doing it because fortunately I took enough time to think about how stupid that would have been. (I have not completely lost my mind…yet)

 

I did however send her a small gift with a short note, careful to only say thanks for listening. She mentioned to me our boss saw her opening the gift, and was trying to figure out who gave it to her.

 

Here’s where I made what I think was my biggest mistake. This comment from her about the boss provoked me to hastily compose an e-mail telling her that I cared about her. That’s the word I used, “cared”. About an hour later, she responded with a carefully worded e-mail that was extremely guarded, and that gave no hint that she cared about me.

 

This hurt…a lot. I’m not angry with her because my rapidly dwindling rational side realizes that it was the only way she could have responded…like I said, she is very smart.

 

So here I am, still in what I view as unrequited love, that I cannot seem to control. I can only imagine what she is thinking. I understand that we will never be together; I don’t want to leave my wife and family either. I love my wife completely. If I told her any of this, I’m sure she would be heartbroken.

 

The feelings I have for my coworker are hard to live with, and my rational side knows that they are “wrong” and unproductive. This is not a moral problem, it’s a wiring problem. I thought they would have dissipated by now. I fear that I have totally “creeped” her out.

 

I have since managed to remain friendly with her, but am attempting to restrict any conversations we have to work items or small talk…and no more ill-advised emails.

 

I would like things between her and me to return to the trust we had before I started flirting with her. To her credit, she has remained friendly with me, and not hit me with a harassment complaint! I still like her very much, (like and love are two different things) and somehow want to truly be friends without me getting weird again.

 

Finally, here is the question for you, and I appreciate you making it this far. Can I do anything to kill off this “love” emotion, or is time the only cure? If I can stay clean, do you think she will ever “forget” this episode, and trust me again?

 

I almost wish she could read this story and realize it was about us, because I would like to explain myself to her, but I think that would only be another huge mistake.

[JCD]

You really don't have a choice but to be friends with her for now. Try to accept the fact that she is only a friend to you right now. If you can accept that then it will be easy to push aside your romantic feelings for her. Otherwise you'll go thru an emotional roller coaster that will damage your relationship with her. Another thing that can help you is to concentrate on your wife. She will take some thinking away from your coworker.

[uplooker80]

Well, it's been over a month, and I'm still struggling with this.

 

I have somehow managed to stop thinking about her obsessively while away from work, but when I'm at work and near her, it becomes extremely difficult. I think it is a form of proximity infatuation.

 

I still get sucked into speaking with her about some fairly deep subjects that go way beyond small talk. Often she initiates the conversations, which really throws me because I am trying keep my distance as much as I can.

 

I still suffer from this illogical jealousy of male coworkers talking to her. (yes I know that I'm pathetic).

 

I have made no more flirting moves other than that I can't help but be super nice to her.

 

I need to find a way to de-idealize her. I think that I'm emotionally stuck on some kind of ideal image of her.

 

Any suggestions?

 

My brain knows that this is an impossible situation, and I even realize that we are probably incompatible, but my heart is stuck on her.

[Curmudgeon]

It sounds as if there's transference more than love going on here. It's not unusual for people in therapy to experience it and think they're in love with their therapist because that's the person who listens to them and gives advice, support and hope. Those are powerful when it comes to one's emotions.

 

A word of caution. Company emails are NOT provate and may legally be monitored and read by the "owner" of the system. You are not only potentially jeopardizing your employment but hers as well.

 

Concentrate on your marriage and if you do need an outlet when troubles arise, find a therapist, preferably a male.

 

One last word of caution. Don't fish in the company pond!

[IaminLove]

What about your wife? If you were "happily" married with a family how could you have feelings for someone else? I am not judging just to make that clear, I am just asking.. I know from experience that when you are typing a message to someone they can misread it as being mean.. and I don't want it to seem that way at all.

[uplooker80]

What about your wife? If you were "happily" married with a family how could you have feelings for someone else? I am not judging just to make that clear, I am just asking.. I know from experience that when you are typing a message to someone they can misread it as being mean.. and I don't want it to seem that way at all.

No offence taken.

 

It baffles me as well. Like I said, this is not a moral dilema, I don't want to have feelings for this woman, it just happened, and I want them to go away.

 

I suppose no marriage is perfect, mine included, but I do consider my marriage loving and fulfilling.

 

Maybe this is just some kind of middle age crisis.

[IaminLove]

I hope everything works out for you. It is true that no relationship is perfect... I don't have much advice because I have never gone through anything like this.. but if something is making you unhappy in your marriage.. do your best to work on it and always be communicating with your wife about things that concern you.. maybe your feelings for this other woman have nothing to do with your wife.. and I am sure thats the case.. but you are hiding your feelings from her and not being completely honest with her. Honesty and Trust are very important parts of a relationship. Try to see things from a woman's point of view, maybe that will help. Anyways, I hope these feelings you are having do go away and that everything works out =)

[whichwayisup]

It baffles me as well. Like I said, this is not a moral dilema, I don't want to have feelings for this woman, it just happened, and I want them to go away.

 

You need to detach from her and don't let yourself fantasize, or think of her at all. Distract yourself, keep busy and focus on your wife.

 

People get crushes, attractions, and just because you're married that doesn't stop...But, what has to stop is feeding it, letting it grow. (excuse the pun, seeing as you're a guy, LOL!) Don't put yourself in a situation where saying NO will be difficult to do.

 

It isn't about your wife, it's about you enjoying the feelings this woman brings out in you - TOO MUCH. It's feeding the ego, making you feel and do things that you can't do since you have a wife.

 

Mid life crisis, it's possible...So, DO something wild and crazy, but do it with your wife. Spice up your sex life, GO skydiving! Bungee jumping! Something that will make your give you a rush. Buy a new car, dye your hair, I don't know, but do something that involves your wife and not the other woman.

[amerikajin]

Detach yourself from her. Just bring yourself to admit that she ain't into you for starters and that should be some cold water over your head in the morning.

 

She actually did you a huge favor by being cool with her reply. Otherwise, that would have spiraled waaay out of control.

[crazy_grl]

I think you need to tell your wife. At this point, you've done nothing wrong in that you haven't started an affair (though the main reason you haven't might be just because she hasn't been receptive).

 

Like Curmudgeon said, it's natural to develop feelings for someone you're able to confide in and who helps you. You should be confiding these things to your wife, or if they're not things you're able to tell her, they need to be told to a therapist or male friend.

 

Tell your wife so that you two can start working on your relationship before you end up doing something you'll really regret (with this woman at work or some other). Go to a marriage counselor and talk about this. Your wife will probably be upset at first, but it can potentially bring you two closer together and this problem with the woman at work will naturally fade away.

 

Or at the very least, tell a trustworthy friend or therapist. These kinds of crushes are much more appealing when they're secret and kept all to yourself. In your mind they can be pure fantasy and you don't have to think about the horrible consequences if they were to become a reality.

[dropdeadlegs]

Keep your conversations on a business level. You shouldn't be talking about anything personal based on the fact that you have personal feelings and anything she says that seems to be on your side personally may come across to you as overtures even when they aren't.

 

You seem to understand this situation form your head's point of view but are confused by what your heart feels. Keep listening to your head, at all costs.

 

I gotta give her credit for continuing to be so nice and friendly. I think I would have reacted differently. I wouldn't have made a harassment complaint but I would be staying far away just to avoid any conflict at all.

 

I don't know how to turn off feelings other than to keep your wife and family at the front of your mind. Do you keep pictures in your workspace? When you feel like emailing this woman could you email your wife or kids instead? Just a suggestion to take your mind to another place.

[freakygal78]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have an idea of what it's like - I developed feelings for a very MM last year and the emotional rollercoaster this sent me on was unbelievable. It's hard to go back to being friends after you have confided feelings to someone even if it isn't reciprocated in a physical/emotional sense. I ended up leaving the workplace but still see him in the street occasionally (I work one block down now). I think leaving so that they are not a constant stimulus is the best solution for the dissolution of these feelings. Although for most ppl, including yourself most likely, this is not a viable option. I am not sure about confiding in your wife about this as it would only serve to upset her - even if you came to some kind of resolution, she would constantly have in her mind that you still work with this woman. All I can really suggest in this situation is to keep the talk business only and try to avoid seeing her i.e. take the long way so you don't see her constantly if possible. Maybe in time when things 'settle' she will be able to go back to being on a friends basis with you. Although it is incredibly difficult to not have those feelings for someone especially when they put the red lights on to any romantic interaction, but they are still quite friendly and candid with you. In my MM's case, I think he was still getting a subtle ego boost out of having that friendly interaction with me knowing I had feelings for him. Not saying this is the case with your MW but people do sometimes give mixed signals despite their resoluteness.

 

I wish you all the best in this - it's not easy having unrequited feelings for someone (albeit unwanted!) especially when you see them everyday. ((hugs))

[crazy_grl]

I guess it depends on the W. Some would be understanding and some wouldn't. It also depends largely on how the subject is brought up. Saying "I have some concerns about our marriage. I love you and want to work out some things that are troubling me that I don't know how to deal with on my own. Would you come to marriage counseling with me?" then bringing it up there would get a different reaction than just saying, "So I have feelings for some woman at work."

 

He's been trying to just put this woman out of his mind for a month and that's gotten him nowhere. From the sounds of it, this would already be a full-blown affair if this woman was interested. Something needs to be done.

 

uplooker80, if you don't feel your wife could deal with this, then at the very least get yourself some individual and/or marriage counseling, or if that's not possible confide in a friend or preacher (if you're religious). If none of that works, then maybe you could tell your W as a last resort.

 

Oh, and though it should go without saying, stop talking to that woman.

[amerikajin]

I guess it depends on the W. Some would be understanding and some wouldn't. It also depends largely on how the subject is brought up. Saying "I have some concerns about our marriage. I love you and want to work out some things that are troubling me that I don't know how to deal with on my own. Would you come to marriage counseling with me?" then bringing it up there would get a different reaction than just saying, "So I have feelings for some woman at work."

 

He's been trying to just put this woman out of his mind for a month and that's gotten him nowhere. From the sounds of it, this would already be a full-blown affair if this woman was interested. Something needs to be done.

 

uplooker80, if you don't feel your wife could deal with this, then at the very least get yourself some individual and/or marriage counseling, or if that's not possible confide in a friend or preacher (if you're religious). If none of that works, then maybe you could tell your W as a last resort.

 

Oh, and though it should go without saying, stop talking to that woman.

 

I know it flies in the face of everything we're taught since childhood, but the reality is, honest is not always the best policy. There are some truths people just have a hard time handling. Sometimes you have no choice but to tell the truth, but I don't think he's completely crossed the boundaries of propriety just yet.

 

What he could do is explain that he feels there's something missing in the relationship with his wife and be direct about that (without mentioning the feelings for the OW). I think that's being honest enough. But if he mentions the OW, I think he's only going to create an atmosphere of suspicion and jealousy and all kinds of bad stuff could happen.

[crazy_grl]

I know it flies in the face of everything we're taught since childhood, but the reality is, honest is not always the best policy. There are some truths people just have a hard time handling. Sometimes you have no choice but to tell the truth, but I don't think he's completely crossed the boundaries of propriety just yet.

 

What he could do is explain that he feels there's something missing in the relationship with his wife and be direct about that (without mentioning the feelings for the OW). I think that's being honest enough. But if he mentions the OW, I think he's only going to create an atmosphere of suspicion and jealousy and all kinds of bad stuff could happen.

 

Yeah, I get that, which is why I agreed with the last poster who said it. At first, I was thinking about what I would want if I was part of this marriage. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't realize that attractions to other people were likely to occur or somebody who felt like they couldn't confide an attraction they were struggling with to me because I'd get jealous.

 

BUT after the other poster mentioned it, I realized that some women wouldn't want the same thing and might not understand. That's why I told the OP that he should tell his wife if he thinks she can handle it. He's the one who knows her, not any of us, so he's best equipped to decide whether he thinks she'll understand.

 

However, if quite a few more months pass by and this problem continues or if it gets closer to a real affair, then I think it's time to tell the W as a last resort before this does turn to cheating. It's safe to say that anyone would rather hear from their spouse that they had feelings which were never acted on for another person than to hear they've been sleeping with someone else. The marriage will be much more salvagable at that point than if it progresses to a mutual EA or PA.

[uplooker80]

Wow!

 

Thank you all so much for your feedback!

 

I have found that me letting this problem be aired out here helped in itself. Writing it down somewhat enabled me to analyse what was going on.

 

My head is slowly winning out over my heart. Away from her, I have less and less trouble keeping her out of mind.... at work it is a lot harder but I think I will slowly win that battle as well.

 

I'm not going to tell my wife because I know she would be devastated. I'm working on being a lot more attentive to her.

 

This whole thing caught me totally offguard. It has been and will continue to be a learning experience for me. I'm still amazed at how sudden and uncontrollable emotions can be.

 

In one sense, it has made me feel alive, because I have not had that raw punch to the guts feelings since I first met my wife.

 

In fact, if anything, I feel it will ultimately strenghten my relationship with her.

 

I knew early on that the OW was not into me, but my heart didn't know it.

 

Thanks again

[freakygal78]

I am glad the comments helped you somewhat. You are not the first nor will be the last to feel these things. Interestingly one of the things my exMM said to me was that after 8 years of marriage, it was kind a 'wicked' feeling to have someone say those kind of 'admiring comments' to him again and so I think that 'feeling' serves the ego but not the heart. Think of all the special things you have established with your wife and focus on them. I know this is the pot calling the kettle black but I know from experience it is best to leave well enough alone in the end. I am currently waiting with bated breath as to whether my latest single guy emails me back this evening. Thank the stars you are past this pathetic stage and have a loving wife you already know so well....

 

Feelings for the opposite sex whether you are single or attached will always be problematic but you just have to work on them and yourself. As long as you can find peace at the end of the day, this is what matters. All the best UL80!

[stillafool]

I certainly don't want to judge you but the truth is you had no right to go after her when she had already told you she was 100% commited to her husband. Would you want someone to do that to your wife? Yes you have a crush but since you both are married you should keep it to yourself and try to get over it. If you are getting jealous of other co-workers you may want to get your resume in order and look for another job. I think your thoughts or this woman are becoming obsessive.

[uplooker80]

Once again thanks to all

 

stillafool, your comments are a tad mean spirited, and I don’t think you really understood my situation or what I was saying, but I suppose I asked for it by posting here in the first place.

 

freakygal78, your insight was very thoughtful, and a special thanks to you for responding with empathy and kindness. The best of luck to you with your future relationships!

[stillafool]

I certainly don't want to judge you but the truth is you had no right to go after her when she had already told you she was 100% commited to her husband. Would you want someone to do that to your wife? Yes you have a crush but since you both are married you should keep it to yourself and try to get over it. If you are getting jealous of other co-workers you may want to get your resume in order and look for another job. I think your thoughts or this woman are becoming obsessive.

 

What is mean about this???? I don't believe in sugar coating what I see. I don't think it was fair of you to write her an email about your "caring" for her in the manner that you do. Especially since she already told you she was commited to her husband. You do sound as if you are obsessed with your co-worker and that's why I think you should maybe consider looking for another job. Seeing her everyday is feeding your obsession. Maybe another suggestion would be to see a therapist.

[crazy_grl]

Glad that you're doing better with this situation and that posting about it helped. If you think this will devestate your wife, then I agree you shouldn't tell her.

 

If you feel those feelings do start to creep back either for this woman or another one, consider talking about it to a real live person. Either a therapist or a friend that you know won't blow it out of proportion or encourage you to pursue her or anything. A therapist is your best bet, but I know some people are averse to going. That's why I offer the friend solution as an alternative.

 

All the best to you. Feel free to come back and post again if you need to.

[uplooker80]

crazy_grl, my apologies for not specifically thanking you as well. You also made me feel like you cared, even though, apparently to some, care is just another four letter word.

[empty906]

What's your status on this, uplooker?

[uplooker80]

What's your status on this, uplooker?

Thanks for asking empty906.

 

I'm still having lots of trouble with this, some days are worse than others. I continue to be friendly with her, and she with me, but I've kept conversations as trivial as possible. I can't stop being nice to her....it would hurt me too much and it would be very obvious on my part to suddenly make it all business only. Not only do I have this "love" for her but I like her very much as well. She's so nice *sigh*

 

I've just clued into the fact that I get most of my jealousy from when my boss chats her up, (he's her boss as well).

 

This is obviously a secondary "alpha male" problem of mine that is compounding my feelings for her. I'm hoping that this new clue helps me sort this whole mess out. I just have to find a way to get over her.

[Guest]

Thanks for asking empty906.

 

I'm still having lots of trouble with this, some days are worse than others. I continue to be friendly with her, and she with me, but I've kept conversations as trivial as possible. I can't stop being nice to her....it would hurt me too much and it would be very obvious on my part to suddenly make it all business only. Not only do I have this "love" for her but I like her very much as well. She's so nice *sigh*

 

I've just clued into the fact that I get most of my jealousy from when my boss chats her up, (he's her boss as well).

 

This is obviously a secondary "alpha male" problem of mine that is compounding my feelings for her. I'm hoping that this new clue helps me sort this whole mess out. I just have to find a way to get over her.

 

So why is it so hard to beleive you are in love again? Yes, you love your wife but you are not "in love". You do not have to leave her or tell her to still have a happy marriage. Try to have a secret affair with the woman at work and do not tell your wife. Do not stop being sexy and loving with your wife. Write the woman at work one last letter explaining everything you feel. Be prepared to be rejected of even fired.

 

It is worth it. Live in the moment and enjoy the feeling of being inlove and feeling passion again. Ignoring the feeling is not natural and it is unhealthy. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE. DO NOT STOP LOVING YOUR WIFE. Best of luck.