Looking Within - a serious ? for OW's

[HellenBack]

I have been lurking here for a while, reading and trying to understand the mindset of the OW/OM. This thread is not meant to anger anyone, or flame, however, I would appreciate honest and truthful opinions.

 

Can any of the OW's here tell me exactly why they want or remain in an affair with a MM? Is there some allure of being hidden, being a dirty little secret, a f-buddy to a man that has some serious emotional issues going on with himself? Did any of you recognize that he had some issues? I am not talking about the common serial cheater that has one affair after another, just for the fun and challenge of it. I am talking about the man that crosses the line from reality to fantasy seeking some validation and emotional stroking. A MM that has always been faithful and was a good husband and father. Whether his affair is short term, or long term, there's something very broken within this man, however, you as OW's are there to stroke his ego, listen to his lies about his life, his wife and his family. I do believe that he justifies his action with these lies...but did you recognize there? Do you think you might be confusing sex and love? Two very different things. Do you think or feel that maybe you are getting validation as well by allowing him to use you to stroke his ego? I am trying desperately to understand why you lower yourself to this level. History shows that affairs are damaging to both the cheater and his family and to the OW.

 

I have read enough and followed enough of these affairs in forums to realize that lots of OW's claim that his marriage is a seperate entity than your relationship with him, yet, the OW's seem to show competition with the BS. Jealousy on the part of the OW is abundant, yet the OW's claim it's all seperate. I don't get this. Can anyone explain this? Or is this the way that the OW justifies barging in on a relationship that she shouldn't be in? Did you criticize the BS in front of the MM? Did you tell the MM how much better you were than the BS and how you would make him happier? Did you show your competitive side or jealously?

 

When a MM says he loves you and is going to leave his wife for you, why I wonder do the OW's wait patiently, often for years. I have seen where OW's wait decades for the MM, and in the end, they never leave. What makes you believe him when his actions are not supporting his words? Do you really believe all he tells you about his wife and marriage? Do you really believe that they don't have sex? Do you really believe that they don't vacation together, parent together or have any kind of a husband/wife relationship?

 

I read this over and over that the OW's believe this, yet in the end are completely destroyed when they are thrown under the bus on d-day. Like all the bull**** the MM told you "just could't be a lie", you are completely stunned that he would shove you under that bus and walked away from you, never to be heard from again. Ow's wonder and question if they didn't mean anything to the MM for the entire affair? How could you wonder that when he just threw you under the bus, and didn't care?

 

How does it feel to wait for that phone call when it's convenient for him to sneak away to make to you? How does it feel to be alone on holidays? Special events, vacations, and any other important thing in your life? Just wondering. How does it feel to be hidden away like a dirty little secret? How does it feel to know that when he leaves your place, you are out of sight and out of mind and he goes home to his wife, professes his love to her and hopes and prays you don't call her? Do you really think he doesn't do this? How does it feel to know that his biggest nightmare that replays over and over in his head, is that he might get caught, seen, or you might get pissed off and call his wife? Does that make you feel empowered? Have you ever mentioned or threatened to make that call to his wife during the affair? Or have you called her after he dumped you?

 

Now, I would like to know why any of you OW's feel you have a right or are entitled to have sex with another woman's husband? It really doesn't matter what he told you. The fact remains that you knew he was married and could have chosen to not participate, held moral ground and kept your integrity. Why did you feel it was your place to interject yourself in someones marriage, life and future? Do you ever have guilt or remorse for hurting another woman to the depths of hell? Are you stupid, selfish or emotionally bankrupt that you can't see how wrong it is to be part of a marriage that all parties are not aware of. Do you realize that you weren't or aren't anything that special, just a quick ****, and see you later? If he truly loved you, like he claimed, he would be with you. Do you see that now? Or did you miss that idea and fact? Are you not worth more than he is willing to give you? If he wanted to be with you, he would leave his wife, he would be a man, be honest and leave. Using the excuse of kids, finances, job, the dog, whatever, doesn't have merit. We all know that when someone truly wants out of a marriage, they leave. It happens everyday of every week, of every year, and it will continue to happen. Why then didn't he make your relationship with him legitimate? If he is selfish enough to have sex outside his marriage, lie and cheat, he is selfish enough to make himself happy and leave his marriage...right?

 

In the end, when you are picking yourself up out of the gutter, where he left you to get run over by the bus that his wife was driving. How does it feel? How does it feel to know that he threw you there, he told his wife everything when he confessed. He told her personal things about you, all of which weren't too pleasant. Things you would never want another woman to know. He told her your name, where you live, where you work, what you look like naked, he told her details of the sex you had with him, he told her about the skin tag on your ass. How does it feel to know and realize that you weren't anything more than an ego stroke. Do you get it now, or are you still stuck in the idea that he did love you?

 

In the end, what did it take for you to realize what a liar he was, if in fact, you realized that? How many truly never wanted to see the MM again? How many didn't do drive bys to see what was up at their house. How many didn't call and hang up on the BS? How many just took their ball and bat and went home? How many of the OW's that have been thrown under the bus hate the BS? And, how many of you have experienced the BS coming after you? Threatening you, or harassing you...and for how long? days, months, years? Did the BS expose you to everyone person you have in your life, including your BH, if you have one, or your coworkers, your adult children, family, friends, etc? Just curious.

 

I know that this post will anger many of the OW's here. Sorry, that's not what it is meant to do. I am curious and trying to understand the OW's side. I truly want to understand how an affair plays out and how the OW feels. I truly can't imagine being one -

 

Sorry this is long. If anyone can answer honestly, and with their own honest opinions beyond flames, I would appreciate it.

 

Thanks,

Hellen

[whichwayisup]

I like your post and I hope you get some respectful answers. You posed all that you want to know in a respectful way too, so I hope those who reply do the same that you've shown in your words.

[HellenBack]

Thank you Whichway... I am trying to be diplomatic... I just have so many unanswered thoughts and questions. I don't mean to anger anyone, or hurt any OW more than they might be hurting.... just truly trying to understand.

 

Hellen

[yousaveme]

I am going to try and answer as much as I can. First thing I dont like being hidden. I hate it. I didnt look for this. I never thought I would be a "OW". Far from it actually..

 

I know everyone is tried of hearing it just happened. But I think that is the best way to describe it. I have never threaten to tell the W anything. I have never called and hung up on her. I have never even thought about anything remotely like that. I have talked to her when we were caught I never raised my voice to her. I protected him as much as I could. I hurt like no other pain I have ever gone through.

 

I do think its very easy for a BS to say if he wants to leave. Then he should not to use the kids as an excuse. Well, I guess it would be easy for the mother of the children to say. If you leave you take the kids with you. You see them everyday. When they wake up , when they go to bed and everything in between. They only thing that changes for you is HE isnt there anymore. But believe it or not there are men who love being with their kids. Some have dreams with their children that they want to fulfill.

 

As for the holidays. Yes the holidays are hard but everyday in this situtation is hard.

 

Do I feel bad I am doing this to another woman. I feel bad about the whole situtation. I am human.

 

Have I critized the BS in front of him...Yea I have. It has happen when I was upset about something ( which I dont feel I need to address here). Am I jealous of her? Of course to somepoint I guess I am. I want him with me. But I am not jealous of the life they have together. They dont have a marriage they are there for the children and basically go around eachother.

 

I can tell you that the only thing that keeps me going is what we have together. We have gone through alot. And we both know how we feel about eachother.

 

I dont know if your going to be able to get answers you might be looking for because everyones situtation is different. They arent cut and dry...

[sadbuttrue]

hellen, i dont know if i would call your questions respectful, but i think they are good questions. they made me think. i am an OW, i never intended for this to happen to me, but i realize i didnt stop it either. i do love the MM i see. i believe that love is why most OW continue with the A's. i dont know anyone who would purposefully enjoy being anyone's dirty little secret. it is very hard for me to think of his wife and kids without such extreme guilt. i know this has the possibility to ruin them, and i wish i had never done it, but at the same time i cant leave him either. i know this is wrong. he has told me that he is not leaving his family, so i know i will never win him in the end. i have told him that if he plans to stay with his wife then he really should work at making things better between them(saying this hurt me more than you can imagine, but i did, because i care about him) so that he is not unhappy for the rest of his life, even though by making things better, he would not need me any longer. of course he wants to continue the A. and yes i dread the day she finds out and comes after me with questions of why. there will be no explanation i could give that would make things better. i have no way to explain my stupidity to her.

[yousaveme]

I want to thank you for saying you dont want to hurt anyone. But this does hurt...I do care about what is going on.. I just got done with a pretty intense cry session..And seeing this brought alot of stuff up that I try and not think about. But I have to try and think about everything NOW that is happening .

 

 

Thank you Whichway... I am trying to be diplomatic... I just have so many unanswered thoughts and questions. I don't mean to anger anyone, or hurt any OW more than they might be hurting.... just truly trying to understand.

 

Hellen

[HellenBack]

Thanks yousaveme,

 

When you say that they just go around each other...do you really believe that whole heartedly? How do you know he isn't lying to you about what really happens at home?

 

I only ask this because my fwh told the OW we were roommates....so far from the truth is makes me ill. We spent so much time together, we traveled, he professed his undying love...he even renewed his vows with me, we vacationed in exotic places, we spent hours doing hobbies together...and in the end, he admitted to lying to the OW that he told her that we were roommates...totally opposite of the truth. He admitted he told her anything to keep her quiet.... I wonder if this is the norm?

 

In anycase, thanks for not flaming me, for being honest with me...I am trying desperately to understand the role of the OW and what goes through her world.

 

Thanks,

Hellen

[yousaveme]

Honestly in the beginning I thought he was fool of crap...I questioned everything. But then I saw them together. And before you ask no he didnt know I was there. I know he isnt lying because I have seen it. And have been told by others. Also I see that you are a new member so you dont know my entire story which is way too long to get into...But we did get caught so I spoke with her. She called me..

 

When i say they go around each other. They dont really communicate unless its about the kids. That marriage was created because she got pregnant...Stayed because of an unforunate event. They only continue because they dont want to screw the kids up... ( I hope im making sense)

 

She doesnt really know much about me... He protected me and continues too. She admitted this to me..

 

 

Thanks yousaveme,

 

When you say that they just go around each other...do you really believe that whole heartedly? How do you know he isn't lying to you about what really happens at home?

 

I only ask this because my fwh told the OW we were roommates....so far from the truth is makes me ill. We spent so much time together, we traveled, he professed his undying love...he even renewed his vows with me, we vacationed in exotic places, we spent hours doing hobbies together...and in the end, he admitted to lying to the OW that he told her that we were roommates...totally opposite of the truth. He admitted he told her anything to keep her quiet.... I wonder if this is the norm?

 

In anycase, thanks for not flaming me, for being honest with me...I am trying desperately to understand the role of the OW and what goes through her world.

 

Thanks,

Hellen

[HellenBack]

Yousaveme, sorry I brought tears to your world today...I am truly sorry...please know that I have had tears everyday single day for 23 months of trying to understand this...to the point that I am afraid of myself...my spirit is destroyed, my trust is gone, my world turned upside down after 26 yrs of marriage that I thought was good...in every light it appeared it was good, stable and concrete...I didn't know he was so screwed up inside...and now I realize that the OW was evil...I realize that not all OW's were evil...not out to get the BS..I realize that sometimes things happen..I realize all that...however, after 23 months, I have learned so much about the Ow in my situation, I am wondering if this is the "norm" for OW's to do the things that this OW did.... threats, lies, nastiness, control, manipulation...and a vendetta against me ..even though she didn't know me...how very sad. In the end, it's me..its me that has paid a very high price...I guess I want to understand why she did these things, why she set out to destroy me...and admits it. I didn't even know her...she wanted everything that I had with my husband, everything we worked for together...and she admits it...how pathetically sad.

 

I am sorry you had tears today...truly I am sorry...this whole affair crap is so destructive for everyone involved...at times, I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again...it's hard to bear, realize and know that the OW didn't give a **** that she was destroying another human...she didn't give a **** in the least...how sad for her.

 

My questions here are real and legitimate, I am trying to understand, trying to find the compassionate side of me that has been lost in 23 months... I am sorry for you and your tears, your wounds and mistakes....I wish the OW in my case would feel the same as I do...

 

Thank you for being honest with me...

Hellen

[sadbuttrue]

hellen, i am so sorry for the misery that was caused by your H's A. i do not think she is typical OW, if there is such a thing. she sounds very vindictive and hateful. your questions also brought tears to my eyes as well, mostly because i know a lot of the things you say are true. i would never go after my MM's wife or family, i do not want to hurt them. like i said before, i know if this all comes out they will be hurt, and i will be destroyed as well for my part in this. i know my pain could not compare to theirs, but i will be hurt too. again i am sorry you were put through hell, but not all of us are like that.

[HellenBack]

Sadbutrue,,,if you know the devastation it is going to cause to a family and to yourself...why put yourself through it,,,especially when you know the outcome probably won't be good? This is my biggest question???? Why do this to yourself? Are you not better than that? Don't you deserve someone that can love you freely and openly without hurting others, including yourself? You deserve to have an open and honest relationship, one that you are not a secret, one that he takes you in public and says to the world "this is the love of my life"... why are you doing this to yourself?

 

I realize that I can't come here to reform anyone...I just have questions....very real and sincere thoughts and questions.

 

I suspect by your honest posts that you are a genuinely good person, just involved in something that is not genuine, honest and real....I feel sorry for you and what you are going through and what you are doing to yourself...it effects your self esteem, your integrity and every moral fiber within yourself...in the end, you lose...I am so sorry for that....really I am...You deserve so much more, so much better than a lying **** head that will never leave his marriage..and if he ever does, it won't be all the bed of roses that you imagined....so much baggage, so many problems. You really deserve to love yourself more....

 

Hellen

[Fly My Pretties]

Hellen, my post count implies I am new, I'm actually not - just a new name.

 

You probably will get lightly flamed, I hope not because the BS input is invaluable to the OW who is trying to make sense of her situation - sometimes hard questions need to be asked, and answered with maturity. So often, the BS and OW are on opposite sides of the situation and never come together to share experiences. I think a forum that is open to all, and one which will sometimes have words of anger and frustration from both sides, is far more valuable than one which only soothes and encourages.

 

So I just wanted to say that, and to say that I hope it won't make you go away if you ARE flamed.

 

The only thing I wanted to add was that there are many shades of "OW". There are posters here who had no idea their MM was married, and when they found out he was, he was kicked into next week and they refused to ever see him again. In my situation, I met my DH when he was still married, but separated and living on his own. That was a strange situation in itself, because I think to his wife it still felt like he was having an affair - the first relationship either party has after separation probably feels like that to them, I don't know.

 

So I can't answer your questions because I don't consider myself to have been the OW, but the points you raise are interesting. They will be age-old I suspect, because many OW get defensive about what they are doing and their part in it. Some on this forum are highly in-tune with their situation, others are not..... just like any forum.

[Touche]

Oh, please...that OW will get hers in the end. Don't have any doubts. The person who you should be focusing on is your HUSBAND. HE'S the one who in the end really let you down. HE took those vows with you, not her. And she didn't hold a gun to his head.

 

I think you're wasting your time trying to figure OW's out. They obviously don't have the same moral code as you or I or they wouldn't have let happen what they do. Things just don't "happen." One LETS them happen. One makes CHOICES.

 

When I was single, I had a few MM interested in me. It was SO out of the question for me. Completely out of the question. I always said the same thing: "Call me when you're single." Why can't these women do that? Who knows?

 

But you're wasting your time. Different women with different moral codes. That's the bottom line for me. So you are NEVER going to get the answers you want.

 

I mean is "it just happened" the type of answer you're looking for? If it is fine. Because that's the best you're gonna get.

 

(I don't include those OW who had no clue that their guys were already married.)

 

You're healing is going to have to come from within. Forgive your husband and try to forge ahead with a new life for yourself. Your closure will not come from trying to understand an OW's point of view. It's beyond understanding for those who see this kind of thing as immoral...as I suspect you do.

 

I hope healing comes soon for you. Post and vent as often as you need to. But again, I think you're barking up the wrong tree in your quest for closure.

[yousaveme]

MY tears are my guilt, my pain not having him here. I dont know why some OW are evil..My whole world has changed in the past year. Everything i have wanted for myself. Just changed. I'm afraid also. I wake up scared everyday..I dont want to cry . I dont like it when he is home that i walk around in a fog. That I get such a terrible pain in my stomach Im sick. And I hate looking at him when he looks in my eyes and says he hates himself to see what this is doing to me. I wish I could stop all this pain. But giving up on me and him isnt going to stop it...We know will be together..But we have to do what is right for right now.

 

I have never wanted someone elses life..I dont want the life they have. He doesnt want the life with me that he has there.

 

As for is it normal for someone or should I say a OW to be that evil...I dont know. I know that isnt me. We were got caught she asked me DO YOU LOVE HIM? I lied I told her NO...that killed me...I thought if I said that to her , he would be okay...I wasnt worried about me. I was worried about him. I tried to save her some pain...I thought i was so horrible i just wanted to disappear....She answered me that she knew I loved him and that he loves me...

 

I cant give you any words that will make you feel any better. Just now that there are some OW and MM that truley do love eachother. And never planned any of this. Im sorry for your pain...

 

 

 

 

Yousaveme, sorry I brought tears to your world today...I am truly sorry...please know that I have had tears everyday single day for 23 months of trying to understand this...to the point that I am afraid of myself...my spirit is destroyed, my trust is gone, my world turned upside down after 26 yrs of marriage that I thought was good...in every light it appeared it was good, stable and concrete...I didn't know he was so screwed up inside...and now I realize that the OW was evil...I realize that not all OW's were evil...not out to get the BS..I realize that sometimes things happen..I realize all that...however, after 23 months, I have learned so much about the Ow in my situation, I am wondering if this is the "norm" for OW's to do the things that this OW did.... threats, lies, nastiness, control, manipulation...and a vendetta against me ..even though she didn't know me...how very sad. In the end, it's me..its me that has paid a very high price...I guess I want to understand why she did these things, why she set out to destroy me...and admits it. I didn't even know her...she wanted everything that I had with my husband, everything we worked for together...and she admits it...how pathetically sad.

 

I am sorry you had tears today...truly I am sorry...this whole affair crap is so destructive for everyone involved...at times, I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again...it's hard to bear, realize and know that the OW didn't give a **** that she was destroying another human...she didn't give a **** in the least...how sad for her.

 

My questions here are real and legitimate, I am trying to understand, trying to find the compassionate side of me that has been lost in 23 months... I am sorry for you and your tears, your wounds and mistakes....I wish the OW in my case would feel the same as I do...

 

Thank you for being honest with me...

Hellen

[whichwayisup]

But if posting here and asking questions is helping her get closure, then it's all good. She needs to try to make sense of what happened, and yes, the OW here can help her.

 

The replies don't have to get nasty or disrespectful and from what I've read so far, everyone has been honest and nice about their own situation and not taken offense to what Hellen has posted, and she certainly doesn't seem offended by the OW so far who have posted.

 

Sorry for your pain Hellen, I hope you are going to be okay.

[sadbuttrue]

you are right hellen, MM even tells me that i deserve better. but i fell in love with him. that is why i cant leave. i do wish we could have that type of R where everyone could know and be happy for us, but that is not going to happen, ever. dont feel sorry for me. i realize i have chosen this by not leaving. i accept the bad because there are good times as well.

[Touche]

Sadbutrue,,,if you know the devastation it is going to cause to a family and to yourself...why put yourself through it,,,especially when you know the outcome probably won't be good? This is my biggest question???? Why do this to yourself? Are you not better than that? Don't you deserve someone that can love you freely and openly without hurting others, including yourself? You deserve to have an open and honest relationship, one that you are not a secret, one that he takes you in public and says to the world "this is the love of my life"... why are you doing this to yourself?

 

I realize that I can't come here to reform anyone...I just have questions....very real and sincere thoughts and questions.

 

I suspect by your honest posts that you are a genuinely good person, just involved in something that is not genuine, honest and real....I feel sorry for you and what you are going through and what you are doing to yourself...it effects your self esteem, your integrity and every moral fiber within yourself...in the end, you lose...I am so sorry for that....really I am...You deserve so much more, so much better than a lying **** head that will never leave his marriage..and if he ever does, it won't be all the bed of roses that you imagined....so much baggage, so many problems. You really deserve to love yourself more....

 

Hellen

 

There's no good answer to these questions either. Many of them are broken women. Hell, we are ALL broken in some way. But this is the way their damaged souls are soothed. They don't feel that they DESERVE their own man deep down or they would NEVER accept half a man. Never.

 

I think you really should stop trying to make sense of their actions. There is no sense to be made of a senseless act.

[frannie]

Hello Hellenback,

 

I'm sorry you've had the experience you have had. I don't know what value there might be in your asking individuals here for explanations regarding the OW your husband was involved with. However having said that, there was another BS on here around the time I joined who asked a lot of similar questions and got some replies that helped her. Unfortunately I can't remember her name offhand, but I'll take a look to see if I can find some of the threads she was involved in.

 

My response to your posts so far is that we're all individuals and we've all become involved with MM for different reasons. The way you're phrasing everything comes from your perspective and if I had to answer all of those questions I'd be here all night rephrasing and mostly saying, 'well I don't think this applies to me' which I think would be a waste of both our times. I think if you want insight into how people can get into affairs as the OW, what they're thinking, and how it all pans out for them then maybe read some of the threads on here. People tend to be more informative when they're not being defensive, I think.

 

Best of luck with moving on from this. Are you and your H still together?

[GreenEyedLady]

HB: I am very sorry for the pain that you are experiencing...you have my heartfelt sympathy...

 

To answer your question, I didn't know that he was married...he told me he was divorced and by the time I found out the truth it was too late...I was in love with him, and I made a choice to stay with him...others would make a different choice, but that was the choice I made...

 

I am not out to destroy anyone...I do not know her...there are things about his M that are different than your situation and I won't share them because I prefer not to give out TMI, and it's not my business to anyway...I don't know anything really about her and he doesn't share too much about their R, as I said it's not my business...

 

As for lying, he lied to me in the beginning...now I judge what he says with his actions...

 

Not all OW are alone on holidays and have to sneak around...And I do not wait for phone calls...Some affairs are not as secretive as others...alot of your questions are based on generalizations and while most often are true, in some cases are not...

 

I really don't know quite what else to say...I don't think that there is anything I could say that will make you feel better or any less hurt or help you understand...all I can say is that if your H chose you, perhaps you should focus on that...we are not the OW in your situation so there's only so much you will learn from us...

 

To answer your question about remaining in a R with a MM, it's because we love them...the same answer the W's will give as to why they remain with a man who cheated on them...

 

Like I said I am sorry for your pain...I hope that you are able to forget about the OW in your situation and focus on your M and H...I hope you are able to forgive him and move forward...

 

My best wishes to you...GEL

[frannie]

I think you really should stop trying to make sense of their actions. There is no sense to be made of a senseless act.

 

I think it makes a lot more sense to try to make sense of why the SW wandered. I mean, the OW has next to nothing to lose in getting involved with a MM... the MM puts his wife, children, reputation, who knows what else on the line... and for what..?

 

I don't think I can understand a man who does that for what we're always told means 'so little' to them. Perhaps it's true in some or many cases that the OW is an irrelevance. But if so, why risk everything? And how little does he think of the wife he betrays..?

 

There are so many seemingly ridiculous things about an affair. Why the OW would get involved isn't even the most ridiculous one.

[Touche]

I think it makes a lot more sense to try to make sense of why the SW wandered. I mean, the OW has next to nothing to lose in getting involved with a MM... the MM puts his wife, children, reputation, who knows what else on the line... and for what..?

 

I don't think I can understand a man who does that for what we're always told means 'so little' to them. Perhaps it's true in some or many cases that the OW is an irrelevance. But if so, why risk everything? And how little does he think of the wife he betrays..?

 

There are so many seemingly ridiculous things about an affair. Why the OW would get involved isn't even the most ridiculous one.

 

I agree 100%. That's what I was trying to say. I think her focus is in the wrong place but if it makes her feel better who am I to say where her focus should be, right?

 

Good post though.

[norajane]

If you have been lurking and reading a lot of threads, you probably know that you would get many different answers to your questions as every situation is unique. It might not seem so in that affairs all have similar elements. But they are unique to the individuals involved, many of whom had never been in an affair before so their choices and decisions all seem unique to them - and they are...every person is unique.

 

Can any of the OW's here tell me exactly why they want or remain in an affair with a MM? Is there some allure of being hidden, being a dirty little secret, a f-buddy to a man that has some serious emotional issues going on with himself?

 

I don't believe there are many women who want to be OWs or who want to remain OWs. However, once they are in an A, it becomes difficult to separate logic from emotion, and even harder to act on the logic rather than the emotion. There is also that little thing at the bottom of Pandora's Box - hope. Most OW hope the MM they are involved with will rise above their issues and eventually make the decision to end an unhappy marriage and start fresh.

 

Did any of you recognize that he had some issues? I am not talking about the common serial cheater that has one affair after another, just for the fun and challenge of it. I am talking about the man that crosses the line from reality to fantasy seeking some validation and emotional stroking. A MM that has always been faithful and was a good husband and father. Whether his affair is short term, or long term, there's something very broken within this man, however, you as OW's are there to stroke his ego, listen to his lies about his life, his wife and his family. I do believe that he justifies his action with these lies...but did you recognize there?

 

Of course OW recognize that MM have issues. A MM that has always been faithful and was a good husband and father...why does he stray, then? There's a reason, and most MM will say the reason is because they are unhappy in their marriage. It's easy to believe, at first, that MM's issues are totally related to his marital problems, and not that he's just weak or selfish. Eventually, an OW may realize that his personal issues are bigger than the marriage problems, or may even have caused some of the problems. By then, an OW is too emotionally involved with the person to just dump him to the curb - we love our friends even if they are flawed, right? Eventually, she will see his lies for what they are, though, and at the point, she will be the one who moves to end the A.

 

Do you think you might be confusing sex and love? Two very different things. Do you think or feel that maybe you are getting validation as well by allowing him to use you to stroke his ego? I am trying desperately to understand why you lower yourself to this level. History shows that affairs are damaging to both the cheater and his family and to the OW.

 

Sometimes sex and love are confused, and sometimes they are not. Emotional affairs can last for years, and if they become physical affairs, who's to say there is no love? Who's to say whether a purely sexual affair doesn't become a love affair over time? Yes, all affairs are damaging to everyone and everyone knows that. But the damage creeps in slowly, so it's not like diving into a pot of boiling water.

 

I have read enough and followed enough of these affairs in forums to realize that lots of OW's claim that his marriage is a seperate entity than your relationship with him, yet, the OW's seem to show competition with the BS. Jealousy on the part of the OW is abundant, yet the OW's claim it's all seperate. I don't get this. Can anyone explain this? Or is this the way that the OW justifies barging in on a relationship that she shouldn't be in?

 

Men are able to compartmentalize fairly easily. To them, the marriage is separate from the affair. If it is separate to them in their minds, then, for all practical intents, it is separate. The problems in the marriage occurred before the affair, and will continue after the affair unless they are addressed.

 

Of course the OW is jealous - the marriage isn't separate to her because it is a part of the MM's life and it does affect her. That's why many of them make divorce an leaving his W an issue in the relationship.

 

And most OWs don't barge in on a relationship. The MM makes that happen.

 

Did you criticize the BS in front of the MM? Did you tell the MM how much better you were than the BS and how you would make him happier? Did you show your competitive side or jealously?

 

I would venture to guess, most OW don't criticize the W. It is the H who does that. And OW don't tell MM anything about who he would be happier with. They ask him why he stays married if he isn't happy. They ask why he is with OW if he wants to stay married. And yes, OW show jealousy and get angry and have big fights with MM about their Ws. Many OWs try to end the A's, and MM begs, and pleads, and promises to get them back.

 

When a MM says he loves you and is going to leave his wife for you, why I wonder do the OW's wait patiently, often for years. I have seen where OW's wait decades for the MM, and in the end, they never leave. What makes you believe him when his actions are not supporting his words? Do you really believe all he tells you about his wife and marriage? Do you really believe that they don't have sex? Do you really believe that they don't vacation together, parent together or have any kind of a husband/wife relationship?

 

If you've read any of the other forums on this board, you'll see that all romantic relationships have their problems. Cheating is common, promises to be more attentive or loving or affectionate are broken, porn is a huge problem, guys are neglectful in calling, they go on vacations with their friends and don't invite their girlfriends, women wait for men for years and years to propose and they never do, etc., etc. In many cases, waiting for a MM to leave his wife really isn't that much different from waiting for a single man to step up to the plate and be a good, committed partner.

 

I read this over and over that the OW's believe this, yet in the end are completely destroyed when they are thrown under the bus on d-day. Like all the bull**** the MM told you "just could't be a lie", you are completely stunned that he would shove you under that bus and walked away from you, never to be heard from again. Ow's wonder and question if they didn't mean anything to the MM for the entire affair? How could you wonder that when he just threw you under the bus, and didn't care?

 

Again, women are thrown under the bus every day by men (and vice versa) in non-affair relationships as well. This is just a different kind of bus.

 

"She dumped me with a text message after 4 years"

"We have two children and he just dumped me for his ex"

"We've been married for 6 months and she stopped having sex with me"

"He lives with me rent free and spends all his money on strip clubs"

 

How does it feel to wait for that phone call when it's convenient for him to sneak away to make to you? How does it feel to be alone on holidays? Special events, vacations, and any other important thing in your life? Just wondering. How does it feel to be hidden away like a dirty little secret? How does it feel to know that when he leaves your place, you are out of sight and out of mind and he goes home to his wife, professes his love to her and hopes and prays you don't call her? Do you really think he doesn't do this? How does it feel to know that his biggest nightmare that replays over and over in his head, is that he might get caught, seen, or you might get pissed off and call his wife? Does that make you feel empowered?

 

How do you think it feels? Of course it feels like crap. Which is why many OW push their MM to leave and end the series of deceptions. Which is why many other OWs dump the MM eventually. If you've been reading here, you know that a lot of the OW come here to get support and strength to leave MM.

Now, I would like to know why any of you OW's feel you have a right or are entitled to have sex with another woman's husband? It really doesn't matter what he told you. The fact remains that you knew he was married and could have chosen to not participate, held moral ground and kept your integrity. Why did you feel it was your place to interject yourself in someones marriage, life and future? Do you ever have guilt or remorse for hurting another woman to the depths of hell? Are you stupid, selfish or emotionally bankrupt that you can't see how wrong it is to be part of a marriage that all parties are not aware of. Do you realize that you weren't or aren't anything that special, just a quick ****, and see you later? If he truly loved you, like he claimed, he would be with you. Do you see that now? Or did you miss that idea and fact? Are you not worth more than he is willing to give you? If he wanted to be with you, he would leave his wife, he would be a man, be honest and leave. Using the excuse of kids, finances, job, the dog, whatever, doesn't have merit. We all know that when someone truly wants out of a marriage, they leave. It happens everyday of every week, of every year, and it will continue to happen. Why then didn't he make your relationship with him legitimate? If he is selfish enough to have sex outside his marriage, lie and cheat, he is selfish enough to make himself happy and leave his marriage...right?

 

While it's true that most OWs make a choice to get involved, I don't think any of them will tell you it was a good choice or the right choice or what they wanted for themselves. This is where the uniqueness of the individuals comes into play - there are different reasons and circumstances why someone crosses the line. We are all flawed human beings and aren't capable of living life perfectly. We all make mistakes of one kind or another. To dismiss the reality of our imperfect humanity or to ignore it completely, sets you up to be incapable of compassion or forgiveness and makes it difficult for you to understand how something like an affair can happen.

 

Do people not smoke even though they know it will shorten their lives and leave their children without a parent much sooner rather than later? Yes, they do, even though they know their actions will have consequences.

 

Do they become workaholics even though they are comfortable financially and rarely see their kids and family? Yes, they do, and they live to regret it one day when their kids are strangers to them and their spouses are estranged as well.

 

Do they have unprotected or imperfectly protected sex and get pregnant even though they are in no position to be a parent? Yes, they do.

 

People cross lines and take risks with themselves and their loved ones all the time. It's called making mistakes.

 

In the end, when you are picking yourself up out of the gutter, where he left you to get run over by the bus that his wife was driving. How does it feel? How does it feel to know that he threw you there, he told his wife everything when he confessed. He told her personal things about you, all of which weren't too pleasant. Things you would never want another woman to know. He told her your name, where you live, where you work, what you look like naked, he told her details of the sex you had with him, he told her about the skin tag on your ass. How does it feel to know and realize that you weren't anything more than an ego stroke. Do you get it now, or are you still stuck in the idea that he did love you?

 

Well, all affairs don't end that way. Those that do, I'm sure hurt every bit as much as any other relationship that ends badly. Of course there will be resentment and pain on the part of the OW. Yes, they ask what it was all about and whether the love was real. Most relationships involved that kind of questioning and hurt once they are over. It's not so different if he goes back to his wife, or if he never had a wife but dumps you anyway to start going out with someone new he just met.

 

In the end, what did it take for you to realize what a liar he was, if in fact, you realized that? How many truly never wanted to see the MM again? How many didn't do drive bys to see what was up at their house. How many didn't call and hang up on the BS? How many just took their ball and bat and went home? How many of the OW's that have been thrown under the bus hate the BS? And, how many of you have experienced the BS coming after you? Threatening you, or harassing you...and for how long? days, months, years? Did the BS expose you to everyone person you have in your life, including your BH, if you have one, or your coworkers, your adult children, family, friends, etc? Just curious.

 

Most of these questions don't apply to me, so I can't answer them. My MM was mostly, unofficially (not legally) separated from his wife. I ended the affair because I didn't want to deal with it anymore. We remained friends, I never contacted his wife or tried or cared to try. There was no exposure of anything. He is finally got his divorce last month and I couldn't be happier for him. I am, however, not in love with him anymore and have been in another relationship for the last 2 years.

 

I know that this post will anger many of the OW's here. Sorry, that's not what it is meant to do. I am curious and trying to understand the OW's side. I truly want to understand how an affair plays out and how the OW feels. I truly can't imagine being one -

 

Some of the language in your questions is bound to anger people - "are you stupid, selfish, or emotionally bankrupt?" is not language that indicates a mind that is merely curious and open to understanding.

[Fly My Pretties]

As to why MM risk it all, the key here is that they never believe they will get caught or lose control of the situation. It's always something that happens to other people, not themselves. Just like the OW goes into it thinking that she won't fall in love or want more of his time. In the heady first days, both think it's all peachy. It's when time goes on, and they can't untangle themselves emotionally, that they think "Why did I ever get into this".

[GreenEyedLady]

NJ: Excellent post!

[scaredinlove]

My experience as a ow and a wife who cheated on her H is that:at firstthe affair a trill and than a nightmare.You get caught in the vortex of the affair and cannot get out. It is like any addiction damaging and yet you seek it.My affair gave me the strenght to end a 14 yrs marriage which was abusive and damaging.So I did got something out of it. I don't know if half of the crap he told me was true but at that time I needed to hear it. He gave what I needed now I am dragging myself out of it, not my choice but it become so crazy that we couldn't go anymore. It is a very emotional situation and dosen't matter how much you ask yourself you can't come with the answer of why I did it.In my case was a act of despair, my affair was my drug.I had to survive that marriage and the affair help me detache myself from my abusive husband and helped me break the relationship. Why MM did it? I guess he was misarable too. I guess one day i will look back and understand, right now I am just trying to keep my head above the water.