is my boyfriend playing games with me?

[Lauriebell82]

hi everyone: i posted something about this awhile ago to try to get some advice. i go to college an hour 1/2 away from my boyfriend and only see him on weekends. i am currently home for christmas break so i have been seeing him everyday for a couple weeks and spending the night at his apartment. he is an accountant and he works long hours so i dont usually see him until 8 or 9 and then we go to bed at 10:30 because we both wake up early for work. he has to study for the CPA exam, and now he is saying that he isnt getting any studying done with me here. i had already told him that i would give him time to study and read or watch tv, which i have done.

 

he then gets sick of studying and asks me if i want to watch a movie or something.(maybe i distract him or something). it's like he's using me being there as his excuse for not studying. i go back to school in 2 days and i wanted to spend the last couple nights with him because i wont see him again until next weekend and then only weekends after that. so now i told him that i would stay at my parents tonight so that he would have time to study and stuff and he said that was a good idea. now i have to give up time spending with him so he can study. i know he really needs to pass his test and i understand that but i have been soooooo supportive and he has like no other free time to spend with me.

 

now i'm starting to get paranoid that he doesnt want to be with me and is just making excuses to not see me. i tried to talk to him about what i was feeling and he said i was trying to make him feel guilty which i'm not. i have no clue what to do. i'm going to hang back, although its very hard cause i havnt really spent all that much time with him since i've been home and now its going to be even less now that i'm going back to school.

 

i guess my question is: what do i do now? i really love him and don't want to lose him, but i'm afraid he is making excuses. is he just playing games with me? or am i getting my insecurities get the better of me? i need advice please help me!

[littlekitty]

Hi Laurie

 

I think this time it is your own insecurities at play.

 

He has very little spare time, and his CPA is obviously very important and will require hard work on his behalf.

 

I can relate some what to how he is feeling. He knows you don't get to see him much, because he doesn't get to see you much either! And he no doubt wants to spend time with you. However it's very easy when someone you care about is around, to find yourself distracted and end up not focusing on what you need to do. While it's sweet of you to offer to go and ready or something, you'll still be there and he may feel bad that you're there and he's essentially ignoring you. He probably wants to spend that time with you, so it's easy to just put the studying aside and do that.

 

However, if you aren't actually there, he is more forced to just get on with the job in hand and get his studying done. It's unfortunate that he has to do this over this period, but not his fault.

 

I think it's unfair to say he's using you as an excuse. If he loves you and wants to spend time with you he genuinely will find it distracting that you are there and he has to study. Offering to go to your parents was a nice and helpful idea. Now you need to suck it up and go do that without moaning about it. Continue to be supportive. He can not help that these two things have collided time wise.

 

If you had said the same things to me, I would have also felt that you were trying to make me feel guilty that I had to study for an important exam.

 

When I was seeing my Fiancé, I often let my home related paperwork slip because I would rather be spending my time with him that do that. It was stupid on my behalf, but I loved him so it was easy for me to let myself spend the time with him instead. It must be twice as hard when the women you love but don't see often is finally here, and yet you have this hugely important exam to study for.

 

I think you need to take a step back, take a deep breath and put things into perspective.

[Lauriebell82]

yeah i guess ur right..i'm just a little confused and scared because he is saying that doesn't have enough freek time to spend with me, and guys have said that they are too busy for me and stuff in the past. i just hope this is circumstances and not him pulling away from me because i love him with all my heart and i don't want to lose him.

[Walk]

I agree with Littlekitty. This is unfortunate timing, but I don't think he's trying to ditch you or anything.

 

I live with my bf, and I have such a hard time studying with him around. He's really good about giving me time and space to study, but I sit in the other room just thinking about how I'd rather be talking to him... I can't concentrate, I feel guilty, I end up cutting my studying short and spending time with my bf instead. Then I barely eek by on whatever test or homework I was supposed to have done.

 

The closer it gets to this exam, the more stressed out he's going to get. He's also probably pretty sick of studying for it, and more easily distracted then previously... When I get to that point, even the sound of my bf putting his coffee cup on the table becomes a huge distraction for me. It's because I DO want to spend time with him. Not because I could care less if he was around. If I didn't care, then it wouldn't distract me. I'd just do my own thing, and him being in the next room wouldn't even phase me.

 

Wait until after the exam is over. You will get all of next weekend to spend with him (assuming the exam is prior to that). I only get weekends with my bf because of his job and it kind of sucks, but it's do-able. I know you wanted more during this time together, but your bf needs you to give a little extra right now. You'll get it back in the long run. That's the way relationships work at times... sometimes one partner needs more then they can return for a while.. I think right now your bf needs a lot more than he can give in return.. but it's a short term situation. And at some point in time, you are going to need a lot more from him then you'll be able to give in return.

 

Long term relationship, then look long term. This is a temporary situation. Give it some time, give him his space. He'll appreciate it when the exam is finally over with.

[Walk]

yeah i guess ur right..i'm just a little confused and scared because he is saying that doesn't have enough freek time to spend with me, and guys have said that they are too busy for me and stuff in the past. i just hope this is circumstances and not him pulling away from me because i love him with all my heart and i don't want to lose him.

 

Yeah, but what were the excuses those guys in the past gave? And what were they really doing with the time apart? Usually when I've heard that in the past, then the guys were off with their buddies, or goofing off somewhere. Not nose to the grindstone, or busting butt at work.

 

You know the time he took while you were in the next room was spent actually studying. So unless he's a chronic liar or something, then he's still sitting at home studying even without you there. That isn't trying to dump you.. that's just asking for space to take care of something he absolutely must take care of.

 

I dont' think this is about your relationship. It's about what he has to get done in life.

[Lauriebell82]

he's studying def. i know he is so stressed out about this exam. there are 4 parts and he already passed 3 so this is his last part, so if he passes this test he will have his cpa and will never have to study again. the test is in about 2 1/2 weeks and i am going back to school so i will only see him on weekends. the next two weekends he has to study but he said he still wants to come up to visit me at college.

 

i'm afraid i'm going to distract him, maybe i can take him to the library to study for awhile when he is at my college, so then i wont be distracting him and i can still see him. that way he will also be away from the distractions he has at home (his video games that he plays for like hours at a time). i really want to see him the next two weekends because if i dont than i wont see him for 3 weeks!

 

so what do u guys think? is it a good idea for him to still come see me and try to get some studying done or should i just tell him to stay home and study. he said he wants to come up to see me but i can tell he's torn about the situation. i dont know what to do i'm so torn myself!!! please help me!

[ls3360]

Look again at what LittleKitty says. It doesn't look like your relationship is at risk. Be secure and help him get his studying done even if that means he possibly will not cross paths with you for a few weeks.

[Lauriebell82]

yeah it was my own insecurities..now the biggest problem is just him budgeting time with me and studying, which i'm sure is real hard. i dont know what to do to make it better for him, cause its going to be harder on both of us not seeing each other for 3 weeks. any ideas?

[Hitman10000]

The CPA isn't some simple final exam where it counts for 25% of your grade. It's something that certifies you for life to do accounting in public name. Be patient and after he passes the CPA and see what he does.

[dropdeadlegs]

so what do u guys think? is it a good idea for him to still come see me and try to get some studying done or should i just tell him to stay home and study. he said he wants to come up to see me but i can tell he's torn about the situation. i dont know what to do i'm so torn myself!!! please help me!

 

Ask him what he thinks is best for him in order to pass the exam, then be supportive of his decision.

 

It's hard not to see him for an extended period, but love truly is wanting whats best for another person and supporting their dreams and aspirations, even when it isn't easy to be so selfless.

 

If thinks that visiting you will not be a problem for him and/or his studying he will certainly want to come!

[Lauriebell82]

i realize how important this test is to him. i'm trying to be a supportive gf but it is extremely hard because he doesnt have that much free time as it is, and i feel like i am getting left out because all he does is study so i barely spend any time with him. how do i talk to him about coming to visit me? what should i say? i dont want him to feel like he has to or get in a stupid fight about the whole thing so i'm not sure how to approach it.

[ls3360]

i realize how important this test is to him. i'm trying to be a supportive gf but it is extremely hard because he doesnt have that much free time as it is, and i feel like i am getting left out because all he does is study so i barely spend any time with him.

 

Just as a point of info. There are many relationships and marriages where the couples only see each other on weekends or everyother weekend. They find other ways to share even if they can't be together in person. You aren't them and can't be held to their standards, but hopefully knowing this makes it a little easier for you.

[dropdeadlegs]

i realize how important this test is to him. i'm trying to be a supportive gf but it is extremely hard because he doesnt have that much free time as it is, and i feel like i am getting left out because all he does is study so i barely spend any time with him. how do i talk to him about coming to visit me? what should i say? i dont want him to feel like he has to or get in a stupid fight about the whole thing so i'm not sure how to approach it.

 

You would need to use whatever words would sound like you, but I would go about it like this:

 

"Hi baby. I've been thinking and I know you are busy and stressed with studying for your exam. I want you to know that if you think it would be too distracting to come visit me this weekend that I would understand."

 

I do know that 3 weeks seems like a long time not to see him. I generally only see my BF on weekends even though we live 12 minutes apart. I really miss him if for some reason we don't see each other on a weekend. I really miss him during the week most of the time. But I try to remember that life does sometimes get in the way of our seeing one another. I also try to remember that a few days or a few weeks is a short period of time in comparison to a lifetime.

[littlekitty]

Lauriebell82 you've had some great advice here. This exam is in just over 2 weeks. You just have to suck it up for that long, and then you can go back to seeing him every weekend.

 

Yes, that's not a lot of time together, but as others have mentioned, many relationships work that way for a period of time. I've had a long distance relationship myself where I only saw him at weekend, and not every weekend at that, or we'd have never had our own lives as well.

 

Three weeks without seeing him may feel like a lifetime, but it isn't. And sucking it up and dealing with it, may well insure you get to spend a lifetime together. Getting upset and unsupportive about it, may well ensure you loose him.

[Walk]

i realize how important this test is to him. i'm trying to be a supportive gf but it is extremely hard because he doesnt have that much free time as it is, and i feel like i am getting left out because all he does is study so i barely spend any time with him. how do i talk to him about coming to visit me? what should i say? i dont want him to feel like he has to or get in a stupid fight about the whole thing so i'm not sure how to approach it.

 

I liked your idea about taking him to the library. What about you driving to see him for the next couple weeks so he won't have to take time out to make the drive to see you? That'll be 5 more hours a weekend he'll have for study time.

 

Then maybe you can offer a comprimise. Maybe suggest he study from 8am-7pm on saturday and sunday, and it's "couple" time from 7-9pm. Time where CPA exam isn't mentioned or thought about and you two do something relaxing that will take his mind off the exams. Taking a break might help refresh him so he can tackle it fresh the next day.

 

That way you'll still get to spend some time with him, he won't feel guilty for not seeing you at all, and if you do it right.. he'll actually end up studying more effectively because he'll have a reward at the end of the day for working so hard.

 

Don't let your emotions cloud this so much. He's not going anywhere. Think through what would be best for him and how can you help him achieve it. Doesn't necessarily mean you have to be gone from his life.. there are other alternatives. Brain storm up a few alternatives and then present the best one to your bf. He'll appreciate that you put so much thought in to how to help him, and how to resolve the problem without putting the burden on him.

[Lauriebell82]

wow that is such great advice walk, and everyone. i'm starting a new job and i wont get paid until the next billing cycle which is in 3 weeks, so my money is a little tight right now. i'm not going to be able to afford the gas to drive home the next couple weekends and my boyfriend understands that, so he offered to come up to visit me. (we usually take turns driving back and forth to see each other, and when i get paid we will resume that arrangment).

 

he asked me if i really did want him to come, and i said yes i did, but i also wanted him to study. i took ur Walks advice and suggested that we make a study schedule so that he can still visit with me and study also. i told him i was worried i would distraact him and he said that if he was at home by himself he'd be more distracted because he was missing me. i'm trying to be supportive, this is just incredibly hard because he doesnt have free time and he has to use that to study. i'm understanding, but i really cant wait for this freaking test to be done with! i just hope i can let him study and not distract him, because its so hard..especially since when he comes next weekend i wont have seen him for 6 days.

 

any suggestions on how not to distract him?

[Lauriebell82]

well i guess now he says he's not coming this weekend at all that he needs to study. i guess he has computer software on his computer that he cant transfer to a laptop so he'd have to bring his desktop computer with him. i'm doubting his story a little bit, and now i'm upset because i'm not going to see him for like 3 weeks. i dont know what to do. i'm trying to be supportive but i'm so upset. i want him to pass his test so i guess i'm not going to see him, this is just really hard for me. i feel like he's pulling away from me. what can i do to not feel this way? right now i feel rejected and upset, it's so hard. i guess i'll let him have his space, and just do my own thing although its very hard.

 

i feel really dependent and clingy now, because he's saying he has to study. i'm trying to be supportive but this situation sucks so bad. any ideas on what to do? please help me guys!

[dropdeadlegs]

C'mon Lauriebell, give him a break. If he is still consumed with spending time away from you after the test, worry then!

 

Sure it sucks to be away from him for 3 whole weeks, but think about all the people who spend much more time apart and they survive. 3 weeks is a drop in the bucket. Don't invest all your comfort and happiness in your boyfriend or you WILL end up clingy and dependent. It's only Tuesday, don't you have any friends you can make plans with for the weekend? You don't have to be alone, you just can't be with him. Yet. there must be something you have been meaning to do, but keep putting off.

 

Consider this time to grow! Before you know it will be February and this test will be over.

[Lauriebell82]

yeah ur right..its not that i cant be away from him, i guess its my own insecurities that he has to study instead of be with me. i guess i'm just scared its an excuse, which is why i wrote this in the first place. by what everyones said it doesnt sound like it is, but i'm shaky when it comes to relationships, so i guess i just automatically assume that when my boyfriend tells me he has something else to do it means he doesnt love me or want to see me.

 

i wish i could overcome this, i just have no clue how to do it. does anyone get like this? i hope i'm not crazy and not the only one that doubts their SO. what can i do to stop feeling this way?

[dropdeadlegs]

You're not crazy nor alone. When something "changes" in what we consider to be the norm for our relationship, we can get a little uneasy. It is just easier to see that there are valid reasons for the changes when we are not emotionally involved, as I am not in your relationship.

 

Insecurities can eat us up inside. Those of us with lower than desirable self esteem often find that self esteem balance is hard to achieve.

 

Don't beat yourself up, just give yourself a break and try to make the best of it until that darn test is over with. I bet things will return to normal and all will be well. It is hard to listen to our heads instead of our hearts at times. remind yourself of the logic in the situation.

 

I have often worried about something way before it was time to worry and it stressed me out beyond control. It is hard to step back and relax but you can truly hurt physically if not careful.

 

The best advice I have is to breath. This too shall pass, and very quickly. have some fun this weekend so the time doesn't drag on.

[Lauriebell82]

well i'm glad i'm not alone. i guess i'm afraid there is some other reason why he says he cant see me the next couple weekends. over christmas break i spent everynight with him (he invited me and said he wanted me to) and i'm starting to think that maybe i took up all his time and overwhelmed him. some of the comments he made confused me a little bit, so maybe i'm thinking my instincts are correct.

 

i'm having doubts so do u guys think i should talk to him about it? maybe he didnt get enough space over break so he's using studying as an excuse. he says he wanted to come this weekend but he has to study blah blah blah, but who knows whether he means that or not. i'm debating on talking to him but i'd like to know what is going on. do u think thats a good idea or should i just wait and see what happens after his test?

[dropdeadlegs]

I hate to keep posting after your every comment, but here goes...

 

If you are uncomfortable with the way things went over Christmas break then talk to him. Let him know that you just need some reassurance, but don't come off as an insecure, needy, clingy, girlfriend. He may get defensive regardless, but if you can point out specific instances that have you concerned, communication may be the only thing that will ease your mind.

 

On the other hand, he may be under enough stress without feeling guilty about putting you on the back burner temporarily.

 

You know him best, do what you feel is best. I tend to play devil's advocate to both sides of the debate when I don't have enough info to give solid advice.

 

I wouldn't push it, but I'm not living in your shoes and if you are going crazy over this, do what you need to do to feel better. That is within your rights.

[Lauriebell82]

no ur helping me really!!! my one friend told me that i shouldnt talk to him about it cause he will get defensive and it will cause a problem. he probably needs space, he said he would miss me these couple weeks, i guess he probably wants some time to himself also. he said all he's going to be doing is studying, i dont know if thats true or not. i guess i'll just let it go and give him his space. maybe he'll miss me so much these couple weeks and it will actually help our relationship.

 

does anyone have any other thoughts..this is bothering me but i'm afraid to talk to him about it. i need some more opinions!!!

[insomnie]

I've read a lot of your posts L and I can relate to you a LOT. I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, the last year of which I became almost obsessed with how my he felt about me, where it was going, what his actions meant, and so forth. I became jealous of his friends, I look through all his excuses not to spend time with me. Perhaps the worst part, though, is that every time I got upset, I would bring it up, basically using the logic that if he loved me, he'd want to be around me given every opportunity, discuss our problems nonstop, and continuuously make it up to me for taking time off. He didn't want to be around me, of course, becuase I was so belligerent and my expectations of his behaivior were so unreasonaly high. I was just unpleasant to be around.

 

We ended up breaking up but have since gotten together. I will tell you, though, perhaps against the advice of many here on LS, that overanalyzing someone else's behaivior,and, more importnatly, overanalyzing it with HIM (via discussion every time you have a nagging doubt) WILL lead to the downfall of your relationship. No one wants their brain space invaded. That just kills the magic.

 

I say this because I have read a lot of your posts, and it sounds like your relationship is going just fine, but that you have a tendency to get worked up over any discrepancy in your boyfriend's excuses for not being with you. I know it's an LDR and that makes it tough, and that much more hurtful if you feel like he's prioritizing other people over you, but still, you gotta stop obsessing. It isn't healthy to expect someone to constantly put you WAY above everything else going on in their lives. Why? Because then his life will fall apart. Instead you should offer each other fun times and mutial support.

 

Anyway, in this particular instance, I really think your boyfriend just wants to study for his CPA without the additional pressure of having to coordinate time spent wiht you. I've studied for similar exams (actuarial) and it isn't easy. I tend to procrastinate getting started on the studying and several weeks before each exam I just want to be left completley alone in my room, free from social, familial, financial, romantic obligations so I can alternate between learning the material and chilling out by playing Starcraft by myself. Of course I would rahter not have to take these tests at all and just go about doing waht I do in my happy everyday life, but I have to, and that's the easiest way to pass. Doens't mean I don't love my bf though.

 

But anyway, back to you. I think you need to give your bf space. I think you need to realize that you HAVE to have faith that he loves you, but that that does not mean you get to expect him to always bend over backwards to fulfill all your desires. That's just not realistic. Give him space and don't think so much about why he needs it. People just do, and three weeks, especially when you know how stressed he is, isn't so long. Try to be understanding.

 

I know it's important to be honest. But, I think it's easy to talk a relationship to death. So, pick your battles. Have faith that he loves you (he does, or he woudln't be with you) and try to keep things in perspective.

[Sevenmack]

The thing is that there needs to be a balancing on both sides. Neither of them are really giving this serious thought.

 

Lauriebell definitely needs to chill: Her man isn't going anywhere and he's not cheating. The reality is that he's working towards a goal, which can take up so much time away from a long-term relationship that it can be stressful on both parties. She must realize that getting the work done sometimes means not spending as much time with her as she wants. This is real life; sometimes the ones we love aren't going to be there at our beck-and-call because they are people with their own lives outside of the sphere they share with us. She must realize that his happiness and success will also be hers.

 

At the same time, he's forgetting that in real life, you can't simply shunt aside your obligations to those about whom you care. Asking her to give up seeing him for three weeks is rather unfair. Besides this won't be the only time when his schedule will get busy and overly demanding; he will one day have children and a career, along with a wife (be it her or someone else). The fact that he's distracted by Lauriebell's presence isn't her problem. It's his problem. He can simply cure this by using self-discipline and leaving the house for the library or some other place to get his work done.

 

At this point, they need to calmly reach a compromise. She sees him less often until he completes the test; he in turn, spends a couple of hours twice a week with her having dinner without distractions. Then he takes her out for a trip together after finishing the test with no tag-a-longs, dinners with friends or other distractions.