Met up with my ex last night...

[alasia]

I've been doing limited contact with my ex for about a week now, and yesterday he started texting me - the first one was to apologise for being snappy on the phone the night before (I'd called him to check he was still bringing a parcel that was delivered to his place by mistake to work so I could collect it, and he was tired so he was a bit off with me and I ended up hanging up on him). He never apologises so I was shocked, but ignored the text anyway.

 

I got another one later on that day, asking if he still wanted me to bring the parcel (well duh of course I did...I'd only asked him to bring it about 5 times since Thursday!). I didn't have any credit on my phone so I called him from my landline. Kep it short; just said that yes I'd like him to bring it if it's no trouble, and I'd probably send my dad to collect it from him. Then I said goodbye and hung up the phone.

 

I got another message at 6pm (I was due to meet him at 9), saying he hadn't brought some of the stuff I'd asked for (*ahem* personal items) and again, I didn't reply.

 

Went to meet him at 9, absolutely dreading it (usually I'd be pleased to see him) and collected the parcel. he asked me if I wanted to stay with him on the bus (he's a bus driver by the way, and was working at the time) for a couple of hours.

I wasn't sure, but agreed and we ended up getting on really well. We chatted a bit about the relationship; he said he'd told his family that he still thinks about me and if they say bad things about me he sticks up for me (not sure how true all that is), but mostly we just talked about random stuff, like me used to.

We joked around, and when we got back to my hometown I still had 10 minutes for my bus, and he didn't have to leave for another 15 minutes; so I sat down and he came and sat next to me. He said he'd enjoyed talking to me (to which I said "see? I told you we get on!") and then I mentioned that when I thought about what I missed about him, it was mainly the sex and felt bad about that. He said he misses it too, used to love sleeping with me, etc.

I said that it was ok for him; he could go and get it whenever he wanted and he said he wouldn't want to - "you're the only woman I'd want to sleep with".

 

He ended up suggesting what I assume was no strings sex.

I said he knows that I don't do sex without feelings - he obviously does, because that's what he did the last time we slept together. He said "I did have feelings, I always do". And then he said he thought I didn't want to go home that night.

I said I had to, and he said "I'll have to come and get you on monday then". I half-jokingly said I'd be busy monday, and then he kissed me on the lips (not a proper kiss, just a kind of half open-mouthed one) and I said goodbye and left.

 

He'd asked me to give his phone one ring when I got home so he knew I was safe, so I did that then got a text message an hour later (when he was back home) saying "thanks for ringing and thanks for the talk. Night."

 

I didn't reply to that text, haven't contacted him today and I'm not planning to for a while.

I'll see if he texts tomorrow and suggests meeting up but if he does, I won't go. I'm not going to be used for sex - I'm not that kind of girl and to be honest, I can't believe he suggested it. I know I seemed up for it at the time, but I thought he would have had at least a bit of respect for me...

 

No idea why I'm telling you all this but I suppose it's just to vent, and maybe get a bit of advice, or insight into whether he really is just after casual sex? And how to handle it.

[upsetnhurt]

When I read your post I take from it that you initiated the sex conversation. Not to say that it has not been on his mind too as I do believe that's all he wants from you, yet didn't you tell him that the main part of what you miss from him is the sexual contact? You gave him an in and he jumped on it! Sit back and determine for yourself what it is that you want in a guy and then look to see if he possesses those characteristics.........

[alasia]

You know what?

 

I thought he was what I want in a guy and in most ways he is.

 

But he's proved that all he's after is sex - or that's how it seems, anyway - and I couldn't cheapen myself and the relationship by doing it.

He said he always has feelings when he has sex with me, but they're obviously not the right sort of feelings.

 

Might sound silly, but I also felt...I don't know, just a weird feeling that he was willing to 'use' me (and be used) for sex, when I'm carrying his baby. I feel like he should have more respect for me and my body.

 

The whole conversation came about because I said that I missed the sex more than anything, so maybe it was more of a physical attraction between us, then when he said "go get some then", I said I couldn't imagine having sex with anyone else while I was carrying his baby.

Then he said "would you let me?".

 

Ugh, I feel sick.

[upsetnhurt]

I didn't realize you were pregnant with his baby........your last post made me a bit ill too in how he responded to you. I think you need to step back and realize that regardless of who you thought he was, he is definitely not the one you need right now. You need to concern yourself with you and the baby and stop trying to figure himself out. Let him be alone to see what you had to offer and focus on your well being and your baby's well being. So sorry you need to go through this now. Do not lessen your values to be with him sexually........

[alasia]

I know what you mean, and I definitely wouldn't go back to him for sex. I've never had one night stands or casual sex, and I won't start now.

 

If he does contact me again I'll tell him that, and say if he doesn't want a relationship, he can't have me at all.

 

I lost so much respect for him when he said that, which is a shame because we'd got on so well and he seemed really interested in the baby (it was planned, btw); asking questions about what my doctor said when I went to see him the other day, whether I'd put on weight yet, when my next scan was etc.

 

Ah well.

[alasia]

I know there's probably not a lot of advice to give here but does anyone else have anything they can add?

 

Should I tell him I'd like to stay friends but that's it, or just start NC, or what?

[norajane]

Friends, but that's it??? NC??? What are you talking about? You're carrying his child, so how can you do NC? He is going to be a father. You need to be concered with how you two will raise this child when you're not a couple. You need to be dicussing custody, visitation schedules and child support. You need to be talking to a lawyer to get this agreement in writing. You are going to be PARENTS.

 

I'm confused by your story, about who said what to whom and when. Still, it seems like you broke up and - bad as it is - having sex after breaking up is common. This doesn't mean either of you wants to get back together, or that either of you would be happy even if you did.

 

For now, focus on your pregnancy and figure out how you are going to share responsibility for your child as parents.

[alasia]

The only reason I haven't mentioned the preganncy much on here or spoken about it to him is because I'm only 8 and a half weeks pregnant. I'm kind of waiting until the 12 week mark because at least then I know things are less likely to go wrong. As negative as it sounds, a lot of pregnancies end before 12 weeks, so I feel discussing it now might jinx it.

[lorr]

Not being funny but you have been given sound advice by other members on this site! As I've said before just because you are having his child, does not mean that he's obligated to be in any sort of relationship with you. The only thing he has to bear responsibility for is the welfare of his and your child.

I'm not being harsh but both of you need to quit playing these silly immature games and let it go.

The relationship that you've had before is destructive. Continue with NC, but obviously when baby is about to be born then he should help with childcare issues.