Sexless Marriage For The Nth Time!!!!

[ponderingfar]

Having sexless marriage is truly heartbreaking and depressing. It is a relief that in this site there are a lot of women who can empathize with the emptiness. I am referring to sex here as consummation of love in a marriage, not the hormonal surge i admit to having once in awhile. I feel so empty living with somebody who is just a mere room mate with whom I am still with because he is the father of my children. Early on in the marriage, I thought I was going to lose my sanity for the mere fact that when I look at myself I see nothing but rejection written all over me. Also because I grew up with affectionate parents, who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, having grown up in that type of environment I would naturally feel and think that that set-up is the NORMAL one. I do not think any woman would feel right when weeks pass by, you sleep on the same bed but you dont even get into a skin to skin contact with each other, he sleeps on his side, I sleep on mine. I got married hastily due to my fear of growing old alone but I have never felt more alone from day 1 of marriage. It is not just the physical act, it is a validation...or I maybe wrong. I used to confront him about this, but after 5 years of being married, I sort of got used to it.Now I view it as something that will just tire and frustrate me, so I am pretty much getting used to the set up of once in a month or sometimes once in two months He only notices we haven't had it for weeks when his physiologic need for it presents itself and I feel that it is so unfair. I always hear women complaining about their husbands wanting to do it all the time and how they have to make up excuses just to evade having sex, but not the other way around.Do we have a problem or is it just sexual incompatibility?

[Sup]

Have you and your husband thought about going to a Doctor, or sex theripist, I dunno If they can help. Has your husband ever cheated, I'm not saying that he is. Does your husband have a disfuntion of some sort? He needs to get some meds then. Don't cheat on your husband, EVER! I hope this helps.

[twinkie28]

You're other half should get checked by a doc. He could be having hormonal issues himself (low testosterone). When a man's t-levels are in the sewer, so's his sex drive.

 

--Amy

[Topper]

Lets say he has been to the DR and The two of you have been in counseling for a long time with little on no improvement. Would you ever take on a lover? with the understanding you love your husband and would never leave him?

 

This might sound strange But might not bea bad idea. A web site that woman whose husbands won't touch could meet men in a sexless marriage. Have it a woman to woman thing. That way you don't have to worry about some guy lying about not getting any loven at home.

I had a girl friend that went to clothing exchange parties, Woman would gather cloths They no longer wanted to exchange with others. All the clothing had to be designer and very good quality. the groups were arranged by size. she has come home with some bad selections often due to the evenings hostess made excellent margaritas. that works so why not husband an dwives for short term fun?

I'm Just asking so don't shoot me if you thinks this sucks.

[Lackoluv]

Im in the same situation and it hurts. Im think im an average looking guy in my 40's(starting to bald, yuck) But in excellant shape. Women check me out all the time, but it doesnt help when my wife does everything she can to not have sex with me. And when we finally have sex she lays there like she wishes she where some where else and hardly puts in an effort.

 

I really feel unwanted, unattractive and alone. Masterbating just isnt the same as making love and doesnt feel as good.Why does this happen? I thought marriage was about taking care for each other and being there for each other totally, not just what you want to share. This has caused so many fights in my marriage that im ready to give up. I need a maricale

[ponderingfar]

Lets say he has been to the DR and The two of you have been in counseling for a long time with little on no improvement. Would you ever take on a lover? with the understanding you love your husband and would never leave him?

 

This might sound strange But might not bea bad idea. A web site that woman whose husbands won't touch could meet men in a sexless marriage. Have it a woman to woman thing. That way you don't have to worry about some guy lying about not getting any loven at home.

I had a girl friend that went to clothing exchange parties, Woman would gather cloths They no longer wanted to exchange with others. All the clothing had to be designer and very good quality. the groups were arranged by size. she has come home with some bad selections often due to the evenings hostess made excellent margaritas. that works so why not husband an dwives for short term fun?

I'm Just asking so don't shoot me if you thinks this sucks.

Topper, thanks for the post. I have nothing against people who do that but won't be able to engage in such things. Call it conservative, but over and above the fact that I do not want to hurt my kids, I do not think I can engage in it just for the sake of doint it

[ponderingfar]

Im in the same situation and it hurts. Im think im an average looking guy in my 40's(starting to bald, yuck) But in excellant shape. Women check me out all the time, but it doesnt help when my wife does everything she can to not have sex with me. And when we finally have sex she lays there like she wishes she where some where else and hardly puts in an effort.

 

I really feel unwanted, unattractive and alone. Masterbating just isnt the same as making love and doesnt feel as good.Why does this happen? I thought marriage was about taking care for each other and being there for each other totally, not just what you want to share. This has caused so many fights in my marriage that im ready to give up. I need a maricale

Lackoluv

I have found refuge on this site because my H's shortcomings is something I can't just discuss with a lot of people. Besides, I know they would just get tired of hearing my SOS. Besides, relating it to them embarasses me more than I feel embarassed for him. I know how it feels to feel so unwanted, unattractive and alone. Masturbating will take care of the physiologic need but not the emotional security of having someone you love still longing and pining for you. I failed to mention that H is ten years my senior and also beginning to bald, overweight and snores. My point is even if that is so, ironic as it may seem, why is he the one who does not have interest of being intimate with me? In all honesty, even in that aspect, he is more of a reciever than the giver, he never bothered to find out how to meet my needs. In the very few times that he needs it and it happened, he sure met only his needs.

 

I know of a lot of women who have lost interest in being intimate with their husbands. You are relatively young to experience the DRY spells. I do believe that we all need sex not only as a physiologic need but for our emotional well being as well.

 

Keep me posted, I hope things change soon. Keep on praying.

[ponderingfar]

You're other half should get checked by a doc. He could be having hormonal issues himself (low testosterone). When a man's t-levels are in the sewer, so's his sex drive.

 

--Amy

thanks Amy, would sure look into that

[LACKOLUV]

Same here, my parents were married for 44yrs before my dad past away in may. My mom is a train wreak w/o him. I cant say i would feel the same if she were to go. Sad but true, and its not cause i dont love her, i do. They did everything ( my parents)for each other, not to ssay they didnt argue, but i never sseen my dad frustrated like i am. Its all the rejection and no effort on her part. I can remember her working a 10 or 11 hr. day and i felt bad. So i went and got a bottle of wine and made dinner, made her a bubble bath with candles and took my son out for the night. I cant remember the last time she did anything for me like that. Sometimes little things go a long way. And i wasnt even looking for sex when i did this, it was compassion and love and concern. The sex would have been a nice thank you even if it was a few days later, but nothing. And venting on this site to people who understand seems to help some. I dont know,she makes me feel like im perverted or sick, like im not normal. OMG Im going to lose my mind..... Sorry

[luvstarved]

I truly sympathize with you. I wrote in here last August with the same complaint. I was active on these boards for a long time until a work project

took over my life and I am just now coming back.

 

I essentially gave my husband an ultimatum without really meaning for it to be

that. I just told him as a simple matter of fact that if we were unable to

resolve this issue, divorce was inevitable as I could not live my life like that.

 

He took it to heart and we started having sex again. The only problem is,

he's clearly only doing it to appease me. Oh he acts like it was great

sometimes, and refers later to it, etc, but when I have suggested trying

to make it better, he just either acts insulted, tells me I am being demanding

and aggressive, or similar. He has even hinted that my need for sex and

making it a "dealbreaker" issue in our marriage makes me shallow and

uncommitted.

 

Our current sex life consists of, on mornings when he is willing, him waking

me up with "ya wanna", then he maturbates until he is ready, sticks it

in and goes to town. Sometimes he will throw in a little dirty talk about

how much I want his c**k, etc, but that's about it. Then he gets up and

gets ready for work. But lately, the frequency is diminishing and there is

this elephant in the room in the mornings after some days have gone by,

and I know for a fact that he is having physical release about every other

day, whether with me or on his own.

 

I have spent enough time on this board and searching my soul to know

that I am not some kind of dirty-minded freak to need intimacy in my

life. And I do mean physical and emotional intimacy.

 

I got lots of good advice when I first posted and with that advice and

ongoing observation have come to realize that my husband has no

physical problem and is not disinterested in sex in general. The truth is,

I am certain, is that he simply prefers to masturbate. He won't admit

it as I suppose that sounds like it is some sort of perversion or at least

dysfunction. To me, it seems that it is just a simple matter that this is

the easy lazy, self-serving way out for him and I think he resents this

"pressure" to have to perform for or please me.

 

If he would admit to it, then perhaps we could work on a viable solution

together. But no, one day it is my fault, the next it's not, one day it

is just a lack of opportunity, the next it is I am too mean to him. Blah

blah blah.

 

So I admit that I am starting to have thoughts of an outside lover. I

really don't want to go there, but the thought of the current situation

being "as good as it gets" for the rest of my life just totally crushes my

spirit. I am not young anymore, I am 48, but people think I am much

younger and I still look good - last time someone guessed my age, they

guessed 32!! But time and gravity are going to get me eventually and

I am thinking maybe I need to strike while the iron is still warm if not

hot!!!

 

I hate thinking this way, but I have done everything else I can think of

to try to repair this within the marriage and nothing seems to help.

I would never have thought of this six months ago, but I guess things

change.

 

I don't know. It certainly sounds like a dangerous road, but I guess what

I am trying to say is that it is a big enough need in life that I can see

someone making this choice.

 

I am blathering because I was hoping for some this morning and didn't get it and am in a total funk over it!!

 

Anyway my heart goes out to you and I hope you find a better solution than to find someone else...!!

[ponderingfar]

I essentially gave my husband an ultimatum without really meaning for it to be

that. I just told him as a simple matter of fact that if we were unable to

resolve this issue, divorce was inevitable as I could not live my life like that.

 

He took it to heart and we started having sex again. The only problem is,

he's clearly only doing it to appease me.

 

Thanks for your input. I did so too (gave H ultimatum). That the life he wants me to live is unsustainable for me. In fairness to him, he took it to heart and increased frequence of asking for it from once in 2 months to once a month. The thing is, our life is plagued with so many issues. I too feel the same way, that he is just doing it to appease me, it bothers me that he has to force himself to try to appear like he desires me just as so I wouldn't leave but I still feel that his heart is not into it...if you know what I mean. Now he thinks that whatelse do I want from him, am I right in thinking that I deserve to be wanted and longed for voluntarily. Worse, in the few times that sex happens, getting it over and done (ending-his satisfaction) with gives him a feeling that he is being a very good husband for giving in to my luxurious want.

 

If he would admit to it, then perhaps we could work on a viable solution

together. But no, one day it is my fault, the next it's not, one day it

is just a lack of opportunity, the next it is I am too mean to him. Blah

blah blah.

That's so right! He never admitted to it as well and makes me sound like a nympho everytime I tried discussing this with him. I always tell him it is not as if I am asking for it everyday. What's worse is that in the very few times it happens he satisfies no one else but himself. I have always told him that we could not come to a solution lest he recognizes that he has a problem. I have thought of so many worst case scenarios like him being a gay - he would only laugh at this, that he no longer loves me - he swears by his mother's grave he loves me so (even his friends tell me this), that he has another woman - which is impossible since it is either he is with me or the kids, i dunno anymore...oftentimes, I have felt like this whole thing is already dricing me crazy and in fact is the reason for my mood swings. I sometimes think too that I might just be complicating matters because the answer is he is not really interested in sex. It has come to a point that I feel like barfing when I hear/see anything that has to do with it. I just don't believe in sex in marriage anymore and starting to be cynical about love and marriage

So I admit that I am starting to have thoughts of an outside lover. I

really don't want to go there, but the thought of the current situation

being "as good as it gets" for the rest of my life just totally crushes my

spirit

I feel so traumaized that thinking about abother man in my life is still not an immediate option for me. Sometimes I feel so selfish for abhoring him just because of sex, but having been in a similar situation, I know you would agree that it is not just a physical issue between married couples, it is more than that as it involves the mental and emotional well being.

What's troubling me is the "as good as it gets part", I feel that I am just watching my life wither away. This is not what I dreamt of, it would have been a different case scenario if it is a medical thing but I know that it is more of interest than medical problem though he has some ED too. Consummating love, which could have been present before and am sure is not there for me anymore, doesn't just involve making out. But even emotionally, H is unavailable, because he grew up practically alone, no parents, no siblings, only a half brother who abused him. But I find it so unfair that he is trying to make me live his pathetic life as he knows it. I don't want my children to be insensitive like him and I do not want to watch time just while away.

I feel and look so dry, who wouldn't am living an arrid life. thanks for your post, this LS somehow is a good outlet for me, while H is snoring his heart out beside me. Right at this very instant, to give you a scenario of his being oblivious, I could have a guy sneak in make love on our bed and he wouldn't even wake up from his deep slumber, I could also storm out of this house in the wee hours of the morning, meet my imaginary OM then come home and he wouldn't even notice it. Of course any of the above hypotheticals is something I can't do but I am just giving you an idea that the problem here is not just his sexual unavailability but everything else,

[Lackoluv]

ponderingfar & luvstarved Its nice and somewhat comforting to know there are women out there that have a sex drive. Im not sure if i leave her that i would get into another relationship with the fear of the same nightmare. When i meet someone is the first thing i should ask ( Do u have a sex drive? How many times a week should i expect it? Do i have to make an appointment??) LOL... Im really lost, can you tell? At 41 im not sure i even remember how to pick a lady up, never mind my crushed self esteem. I sound whiny dont i? Maybe i need to look at porn or something.

[Lackoluv]

Does anybody think it would be shallow if i were to leave my wife over lack of sex? I know my family would frown upon me. There all about "till death do us part". And a can imagine she will talk behind my back and make out as a pervert or something. She wont do counciling, ive tried.I got " If i thought we needed counciling then we would go" Some control issues....No? I think the backed up seamen is causing brain damage cause i cant seem to stop writing on this site. Is there somthing wrong with me?

[luvstarved]

pondering...it really sounds like we are truly in the same foundering boat!!!

 

Yes sometimes when I think about it, I am not spending a lot of time thinking about how hot and horny I feel, I spend much more time thinking how undesirable and rejected I feel!! I do have the physical need but it

is just a symptom of the bigger problem that my husband just doesn't

see me that way anymore. And deep down, how much more profound

can rejection be? The person who should know you better than anyone

has come to this decision that you are either not sexually interesting, or

that they just don't care that much about you. Either way it stinks.

 

And it has come to a point with me that it isn't just feeling rejected...

I also feel really resentful toward him. I find myself feeling more jealous

than I ever did before - because obviously anyone is more attractive than

me! Meanwhile, I long for him to show even a glimmer of jealousy toward

me! Up until now, I have been kidding myself and listening to his empty

assurances: I do love you, we just don't get the chance, I want more

intimacy too, BUT...etc.

 

I went to the mall today and decided to get his Valentine card. Every

other year I have gotten the flowery romantic husband card. I just

couldn't even bring myself to. What a joke. So the one I got says

on the outside "I'd like you to be my Valentine but I am not going to beg"

(it's a humor card, but it really isn't funny!)

 

Basically I just feel like running out of the house screaming today! I am

sure you've felt that way too.

 

I really don't want someone else, I want him. But I really need to be with

someone who wants me too!! It is so frustrating.

 

And yes we have other problems too, but for me, this whole lack of

romance and intimacy just makes everything else ... not worth working on.

 

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

[Road Rage]

Oh come on, you know you want me. I am looking for you;)

[karlesa]

Wish i could help you out luvstarved. I would give you the loving you deserve and need. Get counseling or get rid of him. Life is much too short. We all need to be loved and respected especially from the one you love.

[Shattered Reality]

I am with you here on this one ladies I am in the same boat, and I'm at my wits end. It does make you feel undesireable and disgusting, and after so much time I'm so resentful about it that even if he wanted to touch me I wouldn't even want it anymore. We've been married for almost 12 years.

 

He's been to the doctor and found to have low testosterone, yet he won't take the medication to fix the problem. I've begged him to go to see a councelor, but he drops the ball on that one every time too. I've talked until I'm blue in the face, only for him to have sex with me once and then go back to the same routine. The longest we went was 4 years after my youngest son was born, and we've only been intimate a total of 3 times in the past 6 years. To be honest, when I go that long in between, it hurts when we finally do it, making it an unpleasurable experience to say the least

 

While this is not by any means our only issue, it is a major one. I'm tired of having a roommate. I want a partner. This, in addition to his drinking and verbal abuse (which is by no means as severe as some people have it, yet more than I can handle anymore) has made me start to consider a divorce. I'm still in the process of trying to work things out in my head about the logistics of it all, but I am at the point that I no longer even want to try to work things out. I thought I could do it for my kids, but I think I deserve some happiness too, and if I'm not happy, it reflects back onto them as well.

 

I am dreading Valentine's day

[ponderingfar]

after so much time I'm so resentful about it that even if he wanted to touch me I wouldn't even want it anymore

EXACTAMENTO!!!

 

To be honest, when I go that long in between, it hurts when we finally do it, making it an unpleasurable experience to say the least

 

So true! Either that or we are having vaginismus. that painful feeling psychologically related.

 

I thought I could do it for my kids, but I think I deserve some happiness too, and if I'm not happy, it reflects back onto them as well.

 

That has been going through my mind how could I give them what I do not have - HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT

 

Sometimes, things are really double standard, maybe if it was the other way around, I bet this would have been used as a justification to my husband's philandering. Seriously, I think very few men would be able to stand the torment we are going through

 

thanks for your post

[ponderingfar]

I went to the mall today and decided to get his Valentine card. Every

other year I have gotten the flowery romantic husband card. I just

couldn't even bring myself to. What a joke. So the one I got says

on the outside "I'd like you to be my Valentine but I am not going to beg"

(it's a humor card, but it really isn't funny!)

I have given up on teaching him by example how to be sweet, thoughtful and affectionate. I have stopped giving him cards coz I do not think I will ever find cards conveying resentment, hatred and anger. I should be true to myself and since there isn't a single card I could find to express how I feel, I do not give him anything at all. I used to be fond of buying very beautiful and meaningful greeting cards I come across with in the first few months of marriage which expresses marital bliss and joy of finding your one true love, thinking I would be in need of them. The cards are still there stacked and starting to accumulate dust, every occasion I try to look at them and check whether I could find anything appropriate but to naught.

Basically I just feel like running out of the house screaming today! I am

sure you've felt that way too.

sure did

[riobikini]

PonderingFar,

 

You described the type of close, and (apparently) openly physical affectionate relationship your parents had -and focused on that as the type of environment you grew up in.

 

Seeing the bond between your parents -and which you believe loving sex was the key contributor- caused you to form some very important ideas about how a relationship is *supposed* to function; in specific, how lasting, meaningful, love is supposed to be displayed between partners.

 

I think that, first, *mutual attraction* starts the pairing of partners, learning *mutual respect* of each other strengthens it, and *good communication* ties it altogether, and creates *good sex*.

 

The "bonding" that happens, I believe, comes with experiencing all of the above, over time, causing the kind of closeness you saw between your parents while growing up in that particular family.

 

Throw in all the other things possible that cause each relationship to have a "uniqueness" (interests, values, background, goals, etc.) -and I think that's an excellent start on, at least, 50 happy years of marriage.

 

I wonder about two main things after reading your post: 1 -whether or not your husband had a similar example in his parents, and, 2- whether or not you have always had (or slowly developed) trouble communicating with your husband.

 

I guess I, also, may be wondering about a third possibility for the present problems: whether or not the two of you really had enough time, at the beginning of your relationship five years ago, to really get to know each other well enough to make good marriage partners.

 

I'm reading from your first post that you may have married because you felt it was simply *time* to marry due to your biological time clock.

 

If you felt "pushed" to marry someone, you may not have given yourself enough time to really look at the *type* of fellow you were marrying: maybe he lacked interest in more than just the kind of marriage you harbored as an ideal.

 

It could have been that he was simply *unable* from the beginning to have the kind of marriage you wanted.

 

He may have been lacking some of the same goals as you, having been brought up with altogether different views on marriage than you, and unable (due to the environment *he* was raised in) to learn the importance of the kind of marriage you grew up believing in -and wanting someday.

 

I also, think it's wise to look as other possibilities for the weakened interest in having more frequent sex -and other intimate time together.

 

It *could* be physical (stress, overwork, anxiety, aging, or more serious) -or as surprising as it sounds for men- it could be connected to something spurred emotionally that he's unwilling to talk to you about -or unable to express due to lack of skill with communication.

 

Or both.

 

And these are, still, not all the possibilities.

 

Whatever it is -the problem can only get discovered, acknowleged, repaired, healed, mended -and, hopefully, solved- when you take what's broken, lay it out on the table, and open up the "glue" called *communication*.

 

Someone has to *begin*: someone has to talk, someone has to listen.

 

And then you *reciprocate* that action.

 

-Rio

[luvstarved]

Well, that says a lot...and in the end, what it says is that it isn't really

about the sex at all.

 

I have to admit that when we have sex, I do get the full benefit as far

as orgasms go, and he knows how to make that happen with just the

one "tool" i.e., without any other touching, foreplay, etc. But I

have never been a big challenge that way. And in his mind, if I am

getting off, then what the hell is there to complain about?

 

So, true: it is not about sexual needs. Well, not entirely anyway.

 

It is the lack of feeling desired. It is the feeling that he is doing me

a favor. It is not being glanced at when I am changing clothes. It is

him never exhibiting jealousy. It is no foreplay. It is no afterglow. It

is not being looked at or touched during sex beyond the necessary.

It is never wanting to other than in the morning before he goes to work.

It is the tension in the room when I wake up on the expected f**k day

and he is already dressed and ready to go. It is thinking that if it were

left to him, he'd rather jerk off in the shower. It is the feeling that

he really doesn't care about my needs and resents me for having them.

It is about not being able to effectively resolve the problem because

we are not close enough to communicate honestly about it.

 

AND not knowing how to respond in these impersonal sexual encounters.

I feel like I am making an ass of myself if I act too enthused. Since

I feel like i am not turning him on in the first place, I feel like I don't

know what to do to please him more. So I more or less just lie there

anymore. ANd that seems fine with him. In our early sex life, I was

the adventurer and about an equal initiator so he knows that I am

not a prude or a dud...and I have told him that all he needs to do

is ask...which he hasn't much taken me up on, oh a BJ about once

a month. He refuses to give me oral, says he "feels differently about

it now" without being able to explain what that means, although

his bumbling words suggest that what he means is "I am already

f**king you when I don't want to, asking for more is asking too much

and I refuse to prostitute myself to that extent". OH BABY.

 

I got the "ya wanna" this morning and said no. He was perplexed. Isn't

that what she wants? So after he gets to work, he calls me - wanting

reassurance type of deal. How does it feel to want? I don't think he

WANTED the sex, I think he just felt the rejection. How does it feel

to NOT BE WANTED is more like it. Guess: he didn't like it. Yet can't

understand why I don't think everything is just rosy.

 

My husband ASSURES ME that he "wants" me and loves me and he

most definitely does not want me to leave as he gets VERY upset

and insecure at that thought. I wish we could hear more from guys

who are like that. Why do they lie about it? Are they just trying to

keep us on as mommy substitutes? I don't get it. If I felt about him

the way he seems to feel about me...well hell why would I want

him to stay? I AM trying to understand this from the other side, but

obviously I don't.

 

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[luvstarved]

I think that, first, *mutual attraction* starts the pairing of partners, learning *mutual respect* of each other strengthens it, and *good communication* ties it altogether, and creates *good sex*.

 

 

-Rio

 

Rio,

 

I agree with you 100%. Unfortunately, if you don't get past stage

one and from then on kind of coexist with growing resentments, it makes

it hard to get back on track. I don't know about ponderingfar, it sounds

like she is in a very similar situation to mine, but I have desperately been

trying to work on 2 and 3 as a prelude to 4 and while my H ostensibly is

right there with me, I can't break through his walls to save my butt.

 

We have been in counseling and last session the counselor said that

she is going to consult with a colleague but is afraid that she "can't help"

us. It appears that this is because my H plays this total deflection game

where everything is someone else's fault and he will say ANYTHING to

not be wrong. Never happened, never said it, you are delusional, the

issue you have with me is actually YOUR issue, my emotions are justified

but there is no excuse for yours, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, he also

refuses to talk about his real feelings. Can't stand me one minute, next

I am the love of his life. In counseling, he actually once said (in a

mad generous moment) that I was extremely open minded and that it

was helping our marriage, and not 5 minutes later he said that our

problem was that my thinking was rigid and unyielding.

 

Sigh.

[riobikini]

re:

 

LuvStarved: " I don't know about ponderingfar, it sounds

like she is in a very similar situation to mine, but I have desperately been

trying to work on 2 and 3 as a prelude to 4 and while my H ostensibly is

right there with me, I can't break through his walls to save my butt."

 

 

 

I realize it's the *one thing* most folks never want to hear, but these kinds of " I'm-getting-no-where" circumstances in regards to trying to "fix" the marriage, are the kind that make up one of the most commonly used reasons stated for divorce: irreconcilable differences.

 

The phrase, itself, may sound vague -but you and the original poster have described some classic situations where you find yourself backed into a corner, so to speak, -alone, and as a final option- feeling forced into having to consider divorce.

 

I'm no fanatical -or even casual- advocate of divorce, but while divorce may be a last option, I think that, in a lot of cases, it really does give both people the opportunity to "start fresh" -and though it comes with its own risks, challenges, and mega-changes, it helps to avoid compiling one serious problem upon another if you stay in the marriage and enter into an affair.

 

It's not a great option -it's actually a very sad one- but I think it's the best one, sometimes.

 

Here's the best "in closing" I can offer: if you feel the best years of your life are being seriously threatened or robbed from you because of situations like these, and you've tried all the "other things" that you can to "fix" the marriage -think very carefully how you'll feel many years down the road looking back at a life (yours) that never quite felt *satisfied* or *fulfilled*.

 

Remember how PonderingFar stated that, in effect, she acquired her ideal of marriage from her loving parents?

 

It's not only going to affect *you*, yet, *you* get to make the decision.

 

Consider how your perspective, and your choice will affect those around you who *do* love you (your children, family) -and decide whether the message from the effects of living in such a marriage is truly worth passing on to a future generation.

 

-Rio

[ponderingfar]

RIO, your post is indeed substantial...very substantial and i thank you for that...

1 -whether or not your husband had a similar example in his parents, and, 2- whether or not you have always had (or slowly developed) trouble communicating with your husband.

1. H grew up in a dysfunctional family or a lack of family to better put it. His mother is the OW of his father, he has no 100% siblings, 2 half sisters from his mom's first SO, half brother from his mom's SO2, one half sis from his dad's first marriage, one half sis from his dad's OW1, a couple of bros and sis from his dad's OW2 - hope you are still in track here. He grew up with his half bro from mom's SO2 who battered him. He grew up alone no paternal model at all. Having gone through a very complicated childhood and developmental years, I actually admire him because he was never into drugs nor into alcohol. He is actually a sports achiever and a good businessman.

2. I slowly developed communication problem with him.

 

I guess I, also, may be wondering about a third possibility for the present problems: whether or not the two of you really had enough time, at the beginning of your relationship five years ago, to really get to know each other well enough to make good marriage partners.

 

I'm reading from your first post that you may have married because you felt it was simply *time* to marry due to your biological time clock.

 

If you felt "pushed" to marry someone, you may not have given yourself enough time to really look at the *type* of fellow you were marrying: maybe he lacked interest in more than just the kind of marriage you harbored as an ideal.

You can never be more right. It was a whirlwind affair. You could just imagine my utmost shock having founf out his background. I have accepted that he could not give what he does not have and I believe that he has a deep-seated problem. You might have missed it but it was only when I got pregnant that he confessed about having 2 kids from a first marriage and resentment started from then on.

 

I hope people reading my post won't get me wrong. I admit to the fact that I should not be pointing fingers here, I am not solely blaming my H as it is my fault to have been hasty in jumping into bed with him. It is also my fault for not having given time to get to knwo if he would be able to give me the marriage I deemed ideal from the environment I grew up in, He is used to just bumping into one of his father's children, 1st, 2nd and 3rd partners talking casually. It is not really something I am used to because I would like to believe that my father has remained monogamous to my mother from 2nd grade up to the present. That is why I am getting so depressed because I know I have no one else to blame but my hasty and wrong decision.

[ponderingfar]

So, true: it is not about sexual needs. Well, not entirely anyway.

 

It is the lack of feeling desired. It is the feeling that he is doing me

a favor. It is not being glanced at when I am changing clothes. It is

him never exhibiting jealousy. It is no foreplay. It is no afterglow. It

is not being looked at or touched during sex beyond the necessary.

Exactly how I feel.

My husband ASSURES ME that he "wants" me and loves me and he

most definitely does not want me to leave as he gets VERY upset

and insecure at that thought. I wish we could hear more from guys

who are like that. Why do they lie about it? Are they just trying to

keep us on as mommy substitutes? I don't get it.

Well a guy posted in another post stating that maybe the reason why I find him boring is that I am boring myself...did't answer his post anymore, I just simply shrugged it off as somebody who does not understand a single emotion I am feeling at this point. As I have said I am not trying to put all the blame on him in fact all this time that my anger for him developed more and more, resentment turned towards myself grew too. I have oftentimes questionned my inability to attract him and turn him on.

It is really easy for other people who is not experiencing the exact same thing to be judgmental.Oh well....