Sexless marriage

[Guest]

Hi,

I need advice. I have the reverse of the problem most people post here.

 

My husband is 17 years older than me. He's a wonderful man who constantly tells me how much he loves me and finds me exciting and attractive, but he won't initiate sex. We've been married 12 years and for the first few he did, but now he never ever does. I've told him I want him to, but it hasn't worked. I tried not initiating anything, but we didn't do anything for a couple of months and I nearly went out of my mind.

 

I don't think it's me. I'm in my 30's, have a tremendous figure and am extremely attractive (good ego too!). I constantly have other men tell me how attractive I am, to the point it's embarrassing.

 

I have a strong sex drive and always have. It didn't used to be a problem. Now he often rejects my advances too. I've tried all sorts of things, from greeting him at the door when he gets home, wearing only a thong and high heels, bought sexy lingerie, tried romantic movies, watched porn with him (which I actually hate), taken him away on romantic weekends, done candlelit dinners with his favourite foods etc and none of these things has made him do more than fondle me briefly. He always says he's too tired, so I put him on multi-vitamins. Then he had lots of energy to do things but still wouldn't initiate sex. Sometimes he'll get out the vibrator and use it on me, but he doesn't want to have sex with me. I know he's not cheating. I have no doubt in that regard.

 

Does anybody have any ideas? I'm going crazy here. I love my husband dearly, but I'm starting to fantasise about other men, one in particular who shows me a lot of attention and that scares me.

[HellenBack]

Sometimes couples are not compatible sexually...sometimes one or the other has a higher or lower libido..your's is obviously stronger that his. This is fixable... First, he should see a dr...get a physical. I am sure he knows that testosterone production decreases with age..you said he is 17 yrs older than you and you are in your 30s... mid life for him. Testosterone is what makes him "wanna" have it.. a shot of testosterone each month can do "miracles" for a sex life... If he doesnt have trouble performing once you get him going, then you know it's not ED (erectile dysfunction)...is it just "getting him going or in the mood?.

 

My husb does the testosterone shots about every other month... at one point there was some stress in his world, work and career....got the shot....WHeeeeeeweeee.. Now the shot is a regular every other month...and it's a recreational thing for us...especially a week before we go to the Caribbean, which we do once or twice a yr...nothin' better. Sex is better now than when were were 22 yrs old...we're both mid 40's.

 

I am not sure if insurance would cover the shots..my husb has a friend thats a urologist, so we only pay for the shot itself, no office visit..the shot costs $30.

 

Good luck,

Hellen

[reservoirdog1]

You need to start off by asking him what gives. Does he have no interest in sex with you? Or just no interest in sex, period?

 

If it's the first one, then that may be an unsolvable problem, at least as far as your marriage is concerned. (Based on your description of yourself, however, that sounds unlikely. )

 

If it's the second one, he may well have a medical issue in the plumbing department. And he needs to do something about it, promptly. Like talking to his doctor.

 

While sex may not be the only important part of a relationship, it's still a pretty bloody important part. He needs to recognize this, and take an active role in fixing the problem. Because that's what it is. You're in your 30s, and it's simply not acceptable to expect you to be happy with a sexless marriage until the day you die.

 

I don't know if you ever read Dan Savage's columns, but he said something in his most recent one that was right on the mark: your husband needs to understand that he can have a strictly monogamous marriage with you, OR he can have little or no interest in sex. Not both.

 

If he's completely unwilling to address the problem, then there's nothing wrong with you being blunt: "I'm a 30-ish woman with a healthy sex drive, and I need sex. More than anything I want to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with you, my husband. But if you're unwilling to even try to provide that, then there are a couple of choices. We can get a divorce. Or I can discreetly find sexual fulfillment with somebody else."

 

Don't simply start cheating on him -- you should give him every opportunity to work on fixing the problem with you. Spouses are a team, and that's what they do -- they work on the problems together. But conversely, you can't be expected to be the only one working on that part of the marriage, with no help from him. It's your life too.

[Guest]

You need to start off by asking him what gives. Does he have no interest in sex with you? Or just no interest in sex, period?

 

When we do eventually have sex, it is really wonderful. I have asked him often, but his answer is always that he is tired. Tired of what I don't know. He's affectionate, leaves me romantic notes, but just will not ever initiate anything. I will talk to him again and ask him to see the doctor, but he's always been really reluctant to go, so I think it will be even more difficult to get him to go about a 'problem down there'.

[clandestinidad]

Another possibility could be that he's depressed about something(s). When people are feeling down, or are clinically depressed, they feel tired and certainly don't feel very horny.

 

You seem very caring and like you are devoted to making this relationship work. It sounds like you're the type of person who would put in a lot of effort to try and make him feel aroused; you listed a number of things you've tried before....maybe you could try a different approach and figure out what things he might need to feel good EMOTIONALLY.

 

I believe that men have deep emotional needs just like women, but sadly they are taught to push them inside. It could be that he feels something is missing from the relationship. Or it could be that he's having a hard time with other aspects of his life. Its hard to say, because until there is an honest & open conversation between the 2 of you, its all purely speculation.

 

I do recommend, however, that you notice the loving/romantic things he does for you, and that you reciprocate them. Like the notes he writes you...try doing that for him too for a while and see what happens. Usually the ways people show their love to others are also the ways they are SHOWN love.

[Sup]

You need to start off by asking him what gives. Does he have no interest in sex with you? Or just no interest in sex, period?

 

When we do eventually have sex, it is really wonderful. I have asked him often, but his answer is always that he is tired. Tired of what I don't know. He's affectionate, leaves me romantic notes, but just will not ever initiate anything. I will talk to him again and ask him to see the doctor, but he's always been really reluctant to go, so I think it will be even more difficult to get him to go about a 'problem down there'.

 

 

Alot of men are embarrassed by this problem, and won't get help. I suggest you tell your hubby what you told us about considering another man, he may be mad, sure, but, he'll at least see that it's a wake up call for him to take action. If none of these things help, Divorce your husband before you bang another man, at least save him that kind of trauma.

[portableversion]

You mentioned porn. DOes he use it a lot?? Does he mb to it?? Maybe he's wasting his sexual energy on porn and mb.

[fairy_dust]

You may want to check if he has medical issues, talk to him about it and let know know how you feel. If anything go to the doctor and find out if there is any libido medication he can take to help him get in the mood. Hope this helps:)