My husband and My friend

[its only me]

sorry if this ends up wordy

 

I want some opinions on this. Am I being stupid?

 

I have been with my husband for 26 years. Married for 20 we have children and when things are good, We are very happy. To the outside world we have the perfect marrage. We both have good jobs (same company, different departments and buildings), own our own home, good cars and wonderful, well behaved children.

 

About 5 years ago I became friends with a co-worker, she is also married and has step children. We decided to go out and have her meet my husband. We all hit it off really well, and went out often during our days off. Her husband has a terrible schedule and works a lot during the times we are working. Finally after a few months of hearing about him we met. We all became very good friends, visiting eachothers houses, having our kids meet. everything was good. we call each other and send text messages to eachother. My husband to both her and her husband and visa-versa.

 

Well 3 years ago we all went away for the weekend and there was a hot tub. My husband told me later that him and my friend were touching eachother through their bathing suits. Nothing happened and after they touched briefly he moved away from her. He said they both had too much to ddrink and he didn't know why they did that. He felt so guilty that we did't go out with them for a while, but we still talked.

 

Since then we have stopped going to any place that we would be changing our clothes. His choice. If asked he just says he don't feel like hot tub or swimming ect. This is good.

 

2 years ago we went to a friends birthday party and somehow My husband and My friend ended up away from everyone and some kissing and touching happened. He said touching her breast both on her clothes and under her bra. He said that they rubbed eachother through their pants but not under. He was in a foul mood for days until he finally told me. He felt so guilty that he wanted to leave me for doing things he should not have done. He said that he pulled away again and told her he could not do this and came back inside to the party. He said again it was stupid and the drink.

 

Our friendship still there. But we didn't go out for a while with them. The calls and text still happening between all of us.

 

well. last month it happened again. We were all together at another friends house. All having a good time. Drinks and music. They ended outside in the carport. Looking at our friends boat. Why, I don't know. When everyone else left the carport, they didn't. He don't know how but they ended up kissing again. Touching her breast again, this time he bared them and kissed and sucked on them. He again touched her through her pants but this time felt her under her panties. AGAIN he pulled away telling her this is wrong.

 

He told me that night. He again felt so guilty. Again he wanted to know if i still trusted him and asked if I wanted to leave him. He claims stupidity and that when he is not drinking he is not attracted to her at all. He said that he don't know why this happens.

 

the next morning he sent her a message telling her not to call him, text him and that he did not want to see her any more. He has stopped drinking. He is making evey effort to reassure me that this will NOT happen again. I know he is feeling bad still. He has had headaches and stomach aches from all his worring about our situation.

 

We have not had contact with either my friend or her husband. They have not text or called my husband.

 

It is Really hard because no one knows of these times between my husband and her. She works in the same company as my husband and I but we don't see her during our work week. I HAVE to contact her for work reasons and afterwards she trys to text or call me. I do not respond unless it has to do with work. My co-workers thinks its strange that she is not over at our office like she use to be. My family has asked how come they don't come over any more. I just shrugg it off and say I don't know. They are busy?

 

I LOVE my husband, and I know he loves me.

Can I trust him to stay away from others.

Can I believe he will stay away from her. I have his email password and he knows I can see the phone logs and he THINKS that I can see who and when he text through the phone logs. He told me to check them if I am worried. (i have not felt the need to)

 

Tell me if you have had this happen and what you did. Or of course am I stupid for not beating them both the first time!

[norajane]

We have not had contact with either my friend or her husband. They have not text or called my husband.

 

That's a good first step. He shouldn't be having any more contact with her because neither of them can control themselves. I guess her husband has not been told of their activities?

 

It is Really hard because no one knows of these times between my husband and her. She works in the same company as my husband and I but we don't see her during our work week. I HAVE to contact her for work reasons and afterwards she trys to text or call me. I do not respond unless it has to do with work. My co-workers thinks its strange that she is not over at our office like she use to be. My family has asked how come they don't come over any more. I just shrugg it off and say I don't know. They are busy?

Don't worry about what other people are thinking or asking - it's none of their business and they'll forget about it anyway.

 

You and your H need to start some marriage counseling to work through this. I'm sure you are hurt and have anger and resentment toward him. He needs to understand how you are feeling and MC can help you two communicate about this. It sounds like he wants to try to make you feel more comfortable by giving you his passwords and all, but this is going to take some time to really work through. There's nothing wrong with asking for professional help.

[guest]

the very first time it happened she told me that she would never do anything to hurt our friendship and our marrage. I thought this was strange, because this was before myhusband told me. After he told me it made sense. She told me about her and her husband going through some rough times of cheating a few years back and how it hurt both of them and would never want that to happen to our relationship.

 

Now thinking back I do think that her husband knows. He said they are open with eachother and know it is impossible to be 100 percent faithful to somone and they understand that about eachother, and are ok with that. just not cheating. like that makes any sense!

[lorr]

It clearly seems that your husband is playing games with you. This is the 3rd time that he has gotten close with this OW, and each time you easily forgive him.

He has totally over stepped the mark, and its up to you to decide whether you can put up with it "when" it happens a 4th time.

 

Its all good you saying that you love him and he loves you, but can you really and honestly say that its "love" when he's kissing and sucking on these woman's breasts, and this woman touching and getting him aroused for both their pleasures.

 

Sorry to say but they are both fully aware of their actions, and are taking you and her husband for complete mugs.

[its only me]

Thanks for your thoughts. I was reading the response that came in. I really hope that there is not games being played here. The make up sex, well if you like waiting for it, I really don't think that is it either (once it was 6 months before he got it) As for her husband knowing, I know he does. He called me to ask me if I was ok. I told him I was not. He knows the feelings. He is jelous too. I was not Jelous. I am MAD! He said that infidelity is natural, but cheating is not. but he was ok with it all. We don't talk anymore.

[Javelin]

Few things are evident, but one statement you made I must comment on first:

 

I LOVE my husband, and I know he loves me.

 

You may love your husband, but I'm not so sure he feels the same way about you.

 

For the simple reason: It's very easy for HIM to forget about YOU.

 

When you're in a marriage the commitment is scaled upwards and if the newly developed relationship level means anything, that love has now gone towards unconditional status.

 

Want my opinion?

From what you've posted, I wouldn't be surprised if he's slept with your, 'friend.' Mistake after mistake he's gone further, pushing boundaries that are forbidden, however, his stories don't make sense. Ask yourself this, why isn't he able to stop himself before the intimacy begins? I believe there's more to this than meets the eye.

 

What you do from here is your choice, good luck.

[its only me]

I guess you need to know more. When her husband called me the next day he told me that she told him everything that has happened between them. I asked what she told him and the stories had matched. I can't believe that they had time to colaborate matching stories by the time I got a call from him.

 

He also told me he has known since the first time and if she told him about what she was doing its allgood. He said that sex is just sex and a marrage is emotional.

 

She has told me a few times how she does wish her marrage was like mine. That she would love to have her husband home and doing things with her and the kids. She envies how mine goes grocery shopping and helps around the house. Hers does not do any house/yard work.

 

I have never thought of her trying to distroy me.

[its only me]

I know she knows, but I have never talked to her about it. I have only had her say that she would never want to hurt someone in their marrage. Very general and not directly saying she was not trying to hurt mine. I have not talked to her about anything since the last incident except work. She trys to text me, and I don't answer. Ask My Husband if he heard from or seen her in passing and he has not either. He said told her not to try and she has not.

[BentSpine]

Why is your partner sucking another woman's breast when he could take you home and show the same appreciation to your breasts?

 

Either your partner does not get his sexual need fulfilled by you or you don't rock his boat when it comes to physical attraction so he looks elsewhere.

 

The good news is that you two seem to have an honest and trusting relationship.

 

I agree that it's possible to be attracted to someone else even if one is in a good relationship. If we get our needs met, we will normally not be vulnerable enough to act on temptation.

[its only me]

after the whole thing happened and we talked we were wondering if they were swingers also. If her Husband knows and its ok and we were wondering if it was encouraged. It has made us wonder if they were hoping for a switch partners thing. (YUCK)

 

She has asked my Husband if he would go for "ride" to pick up stuff, at the store, her house, at the neighbors ect. He never did. He always found someone else to ride with her. Her husband asked howcome mine never went along, they would not be that long.

 

I did ask him why he did what he did (3) times. He said he don't know. He knows he has me at home for him. He said that she rubbed up on him and how it got further he don't know. It just happened. He don't want to hurt me and that it why the friendship between all of us has been severed.

[Dadaal]

As you pointed out by yourself, they both seem to be swingers trying to seduce your husband, then the second personal will be you - funny world!! I never thought that such couples existed in this world - I better watch out for me...Funny.

[Limerent]

I would just like to bust in and say that I was wondering if perhaps your husband was trying to get you to divorce him? Not likely but anything is possible.

 

Another thing, I was also wondering if perhaps he was trying to even the emotional scale, so to speak. Meaning, he feels jealousy for you, and you can rile him up, but on the other hand, if you arent a jealous person, and dont get riled easily he might process that as feeling as if the feelings arent as equal and as strong coming from your part, therefore he creates situations in which you would have no choice but to feel strong emotional reactions and in that case, his feelings are finally equal with yours, giving him a considerable male boost.

 

I am thinking along the same lines as Erik, as far as the maneating hussy is concerned.

It does sound like an advanced sexual game of sorts, and most of it could be mental as well. Perhaps your husband is of the persuasion that the thought alone of you thinking of their interactions in a seething jealous rage puts him in a state of sexual frenzy. Perhaps she is of that same persuasion also, imagining your jealous rage while screwing her husband who is getting off on the thought of another mans mouth on her tits.

 

you never know.

 

it takes all kinds.

[TheSwordfish]

Weird story. But why not all get in the hottub and do the monster mash

 

I think you're husband is honest, wich is good. But then again, teh drinking shouldn't be an excuse.

[RecordProducer]

Apparently your husband feels awful about what he has done, he was open and honest about it, and I think it's the booze and his instinct that trapped him into a sinful behavior. He has shown remorse and things happened in a drinken state - he didn't mean to cheat on you or hurt you, although he did.

 

I believe he is not attracted to her when sober so this is not about desiring her and not loving you. I have a lot of experience with being drunk and I can confirm that I've done stupid things in a drunken state. I've kissed people that I'd never kiss otherwise and a few times I got drunk on purpose so I can have sex with guys I wasn't particularly attracted to (but I was desperate for sex so I wanted to go for it). Alcohol does change our perceptions, tastes, ability to think rationally, behave properly, and - most of all - sex makes us horny like hell.

 

When a person cheats in a heavily intoxicated state, but normally wouldn't cheat, it's 90% the substance's fault. Many people discard the influence of alsohol, but I'll explain. If a relationship has problems already, a man may not want to cheat, but under influence, the inhibitions go away, the beast surfaces, and he thinks with his dick. If someone is heavily drugged, you would understand that it's not their fault, right? Same thing with alcohol - it puts your brain to sleep and your body acts just like a brainless animal would in the same situation.

 

You need to make sure that your "friend" and your husband are never again together, especially not alone. Apparently, they go further and further every time they connect. Don't even think of re-building your friendship with her. After all, she is not your friend if she could do things with your husband.

[TheSwordfish]

Acohol is bad in a sense. But hey, I don't drink. You have a choice!

[Erik]

As you pointed out by yourself, they both seem to be swingers trying to seduce your husband, then the second personal will be you - funny world!! I never thought that such couples existed in this world - I better watch out for me...Funny.

 

I don't think it's as bad as that. Maybe you could tell them you were not interested, and they would cease and desist and you could still be friends. They are probably interesting people.

[its only me]

interesting people, ya but with their interest in my husband is what bugs me and I am Really not interested in taking part of that whole share my husband thing. I don't think that our friendship will start again. I am sure my husband has no interest in starting there again. (I asked) (not that I was wanting to be friends again)

 

as swordfish said "When a person cheats in a heavily intoxicated state, but normally wouldn't cheat, it's 90% the substance's fault. " thats my husbands thought

[RecordProducer]

as swordfish said "When a person cheats in a heavily intoxicated state, but normally wouldn't cheat, it's 90% the substance's fault. " thats my husbands thought

Do you drink, too? If yes then you know the feeling.

[Rooster_DAR]

I don't think this kind of behavior is abnormal it happens to many people given the situation your put in. This needs to be discussed between the two and boundaries need to be drawn if they feel this could be a deal breaker in the relationship. I think the longer your in a relationship and the older you get, inhibitions start to fade and both parties think about sex with other people.

 

I think it's something that's hard to dodge, but it's also very dangerous territory due to the emotional position of the human mind. Sometimes we just have to get a grip on our sexual temptations and cutting the temptations off at the source is the best way to achieve this. The again, there are couples who branch off to either cheating, swinging, or remaining faithful dependent on the decisions that are make given the circumstances.

[its only me]

We did discuss and did not want this to go further. I had him make the decision to cut off ties to her. I really think if he chose to stay in contact with her I would have left.

[RecordProducer]

I don't think this kind of behavior is abnormal it happens to many people given the situation your put in. This needs to be discussed between the two and boundaries need to be drawn if they feel this could be a deal breaker in the relationship. I think the longer your in a relationship and the older you get, inhibitions start to fade and both parties think about sex with other people.

 

I think it's something that's hard to dodge, but it's also very dangerous territory due to the emotional position of the human mind. Sometimes we just have to get a grip on our sexual temptations and cutting the temptations off at the source is the best way to achieve this. The again, there are couples who branch off to either cheating, swinging, or remaining faithful dependent on the decisions that are make given the circumstances.

Great post, Rooster. And with years, jealousy becomes a matter of vanity, not romantic love anymore, I assume. As you start desiring other poeple the less it hurts you that your spouse also desires others. I am still at the beginning of my marriage and my previous marriage lasted for a few years only, but I know this is inevitable.

[RecordProducer]

I don't think this kind of behavior is abnormal it happens to many people given the situation your put in. This needs to be discussed between the two and boundaries need to be drawn if they feel this could be a deal breaker in the relationship. I think the longer your in a relationship and the older you get, inhibitions start to fade and both parties think about sex with other people.

 

I think it's something that's hard to dodge, but it's also very dangerous territory due to the emotional position of the human mind. Sometimes we just have to get a grip on our sexual temptations and cutting the temptations off at the source is the best way to achieve this. The again, there are couples who branch off to either cheating, swinging, or remaining faithful dependent on the decisions that are make given the circumstances.

Great post, Rooster. And with years, jealousy becomes a matter of vanity, not romantic love anymore, I assume. As you start desiring other poeple the less it hurts you that your spouse also desires others. I am still at the beginning of my marriage and my previous marriage lasted for a few years only, but I know this is inevitable.

[its only me]

Now that things have started to settle down from the last incident, things are looking better for us. Things have gotten back to normal (or sex life and personal life) Someone said that he might not have been satisfied sexually or not satisfied with our marrage or wanted me to divorce him. all of this is not true. We have a very fulfilling life, in all areas. He said he did not want a divorce. (even now) and that sex that we have is all that he ever wanted. (we have always had an active (and adventureous) sex life) We talk about everything, I think that is why he was so open and honest with me about the whole thing. He said he is so angry at himself because if the tables were turned around he would be so hurt and can only imagine how I feel and that kills him inside.

[Guest]

Sometimes reflection can be very enlightening.

 

[its only me]

Today a co-worker came into the office from our administration office, She said she saw my husband leaving and the "friend" coming into the building. She said it was odd because My husband just walked by her and didn't say anything. The "friend" said Hi but got no response. he just left. My co-worker thought that was strange especially when he used to stop and talk to her even when they were both extremly busy and in a hurry.

 

He didn't say anything when he got home today. I asked if he saw her and he said "no, oh yea I did, but did not talk. Don't want to. " Told him what I was told. He hugged me and said "don't worry, I LOVE YOU! and won't hurt you again"