I dont think they are having sex but..

[homelyboy]

I am married to my wife for 8 years and have 2 young childern ( 15 mth old and another 3 yr old). Over the past 2-3 months she has been showing classic cheating symptoms (out at night with firends, not picking up her cell when I call, finding me boring, holding out on sex etc) Typically Thrus friday saturday she is out till 2:00 am and I look after the baby, put both of them to sleep etc

At her work place there is a younger guy she is really close friends with and very open with this relationship, I have met this guy and he comes over to our place often. He live with his parents and my wife takes my kids and is over at his place often and his parents love our kids.

Of late he has started calling on her cell very often and she is often awake late at night instant messaging ( he works nitgh shift at a computer company)

 

a few days ago my 15 month old tore open the mail and I saw her cell phone bill which had an average daily 10 calls between the two of them. I went online and noticed she was displaying all the smptoms of someone who is cheating. So I confornted her with the phone bill and she said they were best of friends and share lots of stuff. I let it go at that.

Net day I accessed her email account and saw 2 email to each other with " I love you" , 143 etc used a few times. Then there were some more emails with links to yahoo photos. In a few photos they are standing together and in some the guy has one hand over my wifes shoulder.

When I confronted here with this information, my wife confessed that she has feelings for him, but there has been no sex, kissing or any phycial contact the guy is apparently very religous and is not "that type". We had 2 aruments over this and she consitently maintains that she has feelings for him but there has been no sex. She tells me I am overreacting. Whenever I pointsome stuff out she has a quick answer. Also we have not had sex for almost 3 months and her body language towards me is very abrasive, ie squirming out of my hugs etc. This is why I thought she might be sleeping with this guy and thus not needing it from me, but I do not have any proof to confront her.

After our last argument the guy no longer call her cell, but I still feel she is meeting him behind my back. She tells me there was no sex so she only "emtionally cheated" and its no biggie, as i have no concrete proof I cannot counter that.

I have asked her to go with me for Marriage counseling and she says she does not think it worth the while.

 

Although she has confessed to "being in love" with him she shows no remorse to me for the situation as she feels she has done nothing

I am now not sure of they had sex ( she has consitently denied this) I do not want to throw my marriage with having any concrete facts, what should I do?

thx

[LakesideDream]

Be a little more resourcefull. Find her "other" cel phone.

 

Or don't. Obviously she's having an affair with this guy, it's time for you to start planning your exit stagity.

 

Sad story, we see it all to often.

[LucreziaBorgia]

When I confronted here with this information, my wife confessed that she has feelings for him, but there has been no sex, kissing or any phycial contact the guy is apparently very religous and is not "that type".

 

All she is doing by saying this is soothing your fears, and reinforcing it by saying that OM "isn't that type". She is lying to you. No guy would put that much time and effort into something like that unless he is getting something in return.

 

How to find the truth? A couple of ways:

 

1. Hire a PI if you can.

2. Get her to take a lie detector test, with a divorce resulting if she refuses.

[Ladyjane14]

Your wife is cheating on you. Because she's giving to another what was promised to YOU. You are left emotionally unfulfilled in the relationship. It doesn't really matter if she's having sex with him or not in terms of how you treat this affair. (Not to say you shouldn't be concerned about STDs though, so bear that in mind.)

 

Nothing will improve between the two of you until the affair ends. So... you have nothing to lose that's not already lost. Get yourself down to an attorney and find out where you stand legally.

 

Tell your wife she can either stop seeing this guy, (and if he's a coworker that means she needs to find a new job)... or she can pack her bag and get out. And that means her. Not you, and not the kids. The family home is just that... the FAMILY HOME. You'll need to line up some baby-sitting in case she takes you up on it.

 

Meantime, line up some marriage counseling. It usually takes a couple of weeks to get an appointment, so start now and start without her if needs be. You can call your health insurance company to see if you qualify for benefits and get a list of preferred providers if you do. Even if you have to go out of pocket though... counseling is cheaper than divorce.

[Woggle]

Yup she is cheating on you. Yet another woman playing her man.

[Lizzie60]

she is definitely cheating AND having sex with him... Come on now... do you think she goes out till 2 in the morning just to look into his eyes...

 

I am now not sure of they had sex ( she has consitently denied this) I do not want to throw my marriage with having any concrete facts, what should I do?

 

...concrete facts?? What are those? (she admits to her love for him... the cell phone, the emails)...what else do you need.. to catch her while she's having sex... I doubt you will ever do that.

 

If I were in your shoes...I would start the divorce procedures... unless you want to live like that.

[2sunny]

yes, she's cheating...

 

and by the way - what does 143 mean?

[hardcase]

I am married to my wife for 8 years and have 2 young childern ( 15 mth old and another 3 yr old). Over the past 2-3 months she has been showing classic cheating symptoms (out at night with firends, not picking up her cell when I call, finding me boring, holding out on sex etc) Typically Thrus friday saturday she is out till 2:00 am and I look after the baby, put both of them to sleep etc

At her work place there is a younger guy she is really close friends with and very open with this relationship, I have met this guy and he comes over to our place often. He live with his parents and my wife takes my kids and is over at his place often and his parents love our kids.

Of late he has started calling on her cell very often and she is often awake late at night instant messaging ( he works nitgh shift at a computer company)

 

a few days ago my 15 month old tore open the mail and I saw her cell phone bill which had an average daily 10 calls between the two of them. I went online and noticed she was displaying all the smptoms of someone who is cheating. So I confornted her with the phone bill and she said they were best of friends and share lots of stuff. I let it go at that.

Net day I accessed her email account and saw 2 email to each other with " I love you" , 143 etc used a few times. Then there were some more emails with links to yahoo photos. In a few photos they are standing together and in some the guy has one hand over my wifes shoulder.

When I confronted here with this information, my wife confessed that she has feelings for him, but there has been no sex, kissing or any phycial contact the guy is apparently very religous and is not "that type".

 

Ya whatever...she is full of shi!t man. Don't you believe it. Staying out til 2am while you stay home with your child...I know that one all too well!

 

 

We had 2 aruments over this and she consitently maintains that she has feelings for him but there has been no sex. She tells me I am overreacting.

 

There is the defense of a cheater...you are "overreacting". Even if by some fluke they didn't have sex...you wouldn't be overreacting to her simply telling you she had feelings for him.

 

You are not overreacting. Your feelings are justified and she IS lying to you dude.

 

 

Whenever I pointsome stuff out she has a quick answer. Also we have not had sex for almost 3 months and her body language towards me is very abrasive, ie squirming out of my hugs etc.

 

Yup...your powers of perception do not fail you. Don't ever distrust your gut...so far it is serving you well.

 

 

This is why I thought she might be sleeping with this guy and thus not needing it from me, but I do not have any proof to confront her.

After our last argument the guy no longer call her cell, but I still feel she is meeting him behind my back. She tells me there was no sex so she only "emtionally cheated" and its no biggie, as i have no concrete proof I cannot counter that.

I have asked her to go with me for Marriage counseling and she says she does not think it worth the while.

 

Although she has confessed to "being in love" with him she shows no remorse to me for the situation as she feels she has done nothing

I am now not sure of they had sex ( she has consitently denied this) I do not want to throw my marriage with having any concrete facts, what should I do?

thx

 

Oh god dude...she tells you she is in love with him??? And with no remorse?? What kind of cold hearted b!!tch is this?

 

I am staying in my marriage for the time being to see what happens because my wife at least hasn't done what yours has...telling you she loves someone else...and is currently making you stay home with the kids while she goes out f#cking around.

 

If she isn't willing to keep from going out and making you stay at home with the kids...then maybe you should file for divorce. I know if my wife was doing what yours is to this day, I'd be packing her bags for her.

 

She is a wife and a mother and needs to act as such. If she doesn't want to, then maybe you should make sure she isn't.

 

Maybe the first step would be to tell her it isn't a good idea for her to be going out and partying. Tell her she is a wife and mother and isn't acting like it. If she doesn't agree...then ask her to leave the house and see what she says.

[Art_Critic]

yes, she's cheating...

 

and by the way - what does 143 mean?

 

it's the numerical representation of the expression "I love you" where each of the three numbers represents the amount of letters in each of the words

[homelyboy]

Thanks for the support guys, she is implying I am a "basketcase" reading too much into things. From you alls reaplies I can see I am not a basketcase. Yesterday I asked her "did she not see that I was hurting and why cant see apologise" she replied "I have not done anything wrong, there has been no sex or any physical contact."

She is being very defiant and is just not coming out with any facts, I ask how long has this being going on? no reply.

Also I checked her cellphone account online and she called the guy

feb 700 calls

mar 496

apr 201

and those are the outgoing calls, I feel so stupid

 

Lucrezia: Sorry, I cannot afford a PI

Lady Jane: great suggestion I will look into my Medical Ins to see the Marriage conselor, if neccesary pay outta my own pocket

 

Lizzie: I cant file divorce , because it wouldnt be fair on the KIDS, they love us both and I will live a "Sham" marriage so as long as they dont have to suffer. I cant be selfish.

 

Hardcase: I have laid the law down, no calling the guy, no more partying

[whichwayisup]

She is so caught up in the fog of her emotional affair, she can't see what she is doing is wrong.

 

she replied "I have not done anything wrong, there has been no sex or any physical contact."

 

Ask her how SHE would feel if you had a female friend, one that you thought you were inlove with. Someone you confided in, liked how she made you feel. My guess is, your wife would be hurt and jealous.

 

Until your wife realizes what she is doing is wrong and feel some sort of consquence of her actions, nothing will change.

 

This guy, is he married or does he have a girlfriend? If so, think about talking to his spouse. It's a way of busting their affair and making it out in the open, it'll be harder for them to continue it with lots of eyes watching.....

 

If you can't afford a PI, just think about it - But what about borrowing $$ from a close friend or someone in your family?

[dropdeadlegs]

Different people have different definitions of cheating. It appears that your wife believes that sex constitutes cheating. So, if they haven't had sex, in her mind she is not cheating and hasn't done anything wrong.

 

During my adult years I have gone back and forth on what constitutes cheating to ME. For many years I even thought I could forgive a one time physical cheating if my partner really felt he had made a mistake. Now, I think that just about anything would be a deal breaker for me. I hear these terms "emotional affair", "limerence", today I saw "visual affair" and I don't know that they mean the same thing to everyone or have one set definition.

 

Some have said if you wouldn't do it in front of your partner, it's cheating. That may be where you wife is coming from. She hasn't hidden this friendship. She has openly admitted having feelings for him.

 

All that said, it only matters what YOU perceive as cheating, not what I think. Still, spending so much time and effort with him while you are feeling neglected, it would be a deal breaker for me.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry your kids may suffer. Only you can draw the lines you can live with, but if you don't draw them soon I suspect there will be much more suffering to endure.

[Tomcat33]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Homelyboy,[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I’m sorry for your situation it sounds like she is definitely having an affair behind your back. [/FONT][FONT=Wingdings][FONT=Wingdings]L[/FONT][/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Forget the PI, no point in getting yourself in debt for something that even if you got more proof of you are still not prepared to do anything about. A PI is only if you are thinking of divorcing or if you have doubts. But you’ve already made it clear that you would rather live a “sham marriage”than separate, so what’s the point of going to a PI?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Have you said those words about " rather be living in a sham" to her? I hope not. I would strongly advice you against that. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Which brings me to the next point, if you are not willing to do anything about what you find out then why bother finding out more? You really don’t have any bargaining power as far as she is concerned if you would not walk under any circumstances. Don’t think for a second she doesn’t know this. If she is feeling like she could do no wrong because you would never separate because of the children then what’s stopping her from doing what she is doing? Nothing. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]She needs to feel that there is a possibility that she might loose everything she has with you, including her children in order to get her to react and to take a step back from what she is doing. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]As per turning the tables on her, that won’t work either, she is in the midst of this infatuation, attraction, addiction (however you want to call it) and asking her how she’d feel if you were in love with someone else might just solicit a very hurtful answer towards you, something like “I’d be relieved since that way you could be happy too” (that’s how she is feeling right now because her own happiness is all that matters, she actually might be relieved if you found someone else) [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]What you need is a game plan. You already have proof but you should still investigate anything that seems suspicious, you have your right to do so since she created this situation. Then you need to decide what you are going to do about what you have learned. Even if it means having her move out for a little while, given what you find out, then that would give you bargaining power. She is clearly too caught up in herself to see how this is hurting you or the kids so that’s never going to make her stop. What she needs is to feel like she could be hurt where it matters most. Unless she feels this she will not stop, you are only making it easier on her to keep walking all over you. But you need to feel ready to make a move (even if it’s just to shake her up, not necessarily something permanent) in order for it to work otherwise you really have no power at all. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[Tomcat33]

Sorry about the last post not sure what happened...

 

HomelyboyI’m sorry for your situation it sounds like she is definitely having an affair behind your back. Forget the PI, no point in getting yourself in debt for something that even if you got more proof of you are still not prepared to do anything about. A PI is only if you are thinking of divorcing or if you have doubts. But you’ve already made it clear that you would rather live a “sham marriage”than separate, so what’s the point of going to a PI. Have you said those words to her? I hope not. I would strongly advice you against that.

 

Which brings me to the next point, if you are not willing to do anything about what you find out then why bother finding out more? You really don’t have any bargaining power as far as she is concerned if you would not walk under any circumstances. Don’t think for a second she doesn’t know this. If she is feeling like she could do no wrong because you would never separate because of the children then what’s stopping her from doing what she is doing? Nothing.

 

 

She needs to feel that there is a possibility that she might loose everything she has with you, including her children in order to get her to react and to take a step back from what she is doing.

 

 

 

As per turning the tables on her, that won’t work either, she is in the midst of this infatuation, attraction, addiction (however you want to call it) and asking her how she’d feel if you were in love with someone else might just solicit a very hurtful answer towards you, something like “I’d be relieved since that way you could be happy too” (that’s how she is feeling right now because her own happiness is all that matters, she actually might be relieved if you found someone else)

 

What you need is a game plan. You already have a lot of proof but you should still investigate anything that seems suspicious, you have your right to do so since she created this situation. And you need to decide what you are going to do about what you have learned. Even if it means having her move out for a little while, given what you find out, then that would give you bargaining power. She is clearly too caught up in herself to see how this is hurting you or the kids so that’s never going to make her stop. What she needs is to feel like she could be hurt where it matters most. Unless she feels this she will not stop, you are only making it easier on her to keep walking all over you. But you need to feel ready to make a move (even if it’s just to shake her up, not necessarily something permanent) in order for it to work otherwise you really have no power at all.

[Flyin in Clouds]

I am married to my wife for 8 years and have 2 young childern ( 15 mth old and another 3 yr old). ... Typically Thrus friday saturday she is out till 2:00 am and I look after the baby,

 

WTF Your wife has no RIGHT to be out at all at night, without you. She needs to come home from work immediately, have dinner with her family and take care of her kids with you. (You do not have a right to be out at night roaming around either... you guys are married...)

 

Tell her she can't go out anymore and if she does not to bother coming back. Tell her to start being a mother instead of a whore. Get some balls guy.

 

And I agree you had better talk to an attorney now and prepare for divorce by getting your affairs in order.

 

Her cell phone bill? First mistake - it's not her cell phone, its "our" cell phone. Everything is "ours" - not mine, not hers, but owned jointly. That's what it means to be married - to be one, not two individuals anymore.

 

Good luck. You'll need it.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...Lizzie: I cant file divorce , because it wouldnt be fair on the KIDS, they love us both and I will live a "Sham" marriage so as long as they dont have to suffer. I cant be selfish.

 

So you'll live the rest of your life, become a bitter old man, possibly transfer some resentment to your kids because they prevented you from finding true happiness with a good woman???

 

Yes, you can be selfish. Be happy, that is what will make your kids happy. And why would you want your kids growing up around a low life cheating woman? One that obviously didn't care much about them if she's out partying all weekend.

 

You can not sacrifice your life entirely for the sake of your kids. That is not good parenting. That is being stupid.

 

As per turning the tables on her, that won’t work either, she is in the midst of this infatuation, attraction, addiction (however you want to call it) and asking her how she’d feel if you were in love with someone else might just solicit a very hurtful answer towards you, something like “I’d be relieved since that way you could be happy too” (that’s how she is feeling right now because her own happiness is all that matters, she actually might be relieved if you found someone else)

Well I agree with Ms. Tomcat on that point. She might be relieved and encourage you to move on. Which would be a good thing for you and her kids. Let her go and find a better woman. That will help your kids the most.

 

If a woman can run out on the father of her children without a second thought just how good a mother could she possibly be? She certainly doesn't understand that ruining her children's family, depriving them of a father if the father left because he isn't going to put up with being a cuckold... well what kind of mother would that be? You are talking about sacrificing your happines for your kids. Your wife obviously didn't feel like sacrificing her happiness for her kids.

 

Are you going to allow your wife to use your love for your children as a weapon against you?

 

you are only making it easier on her to keep walking all over you. But you need to feel ready to make a move (even if it’s just to shake her up, not necessarily something permanent) in order for it to work otherwise you really have no power at all.

Exactly.

 

Guys are such wimps. Go find a honey of your own so you won't be alone. That too gives you some bargaining power.

[Mr. Lucky]

feb 700 calls

mar 496

apr 201

and those are the outgoing calls, I feel so stupid

700 calls in February divided by 28 days is 25 calls a day, outgoing only

 

There is no doubt in my mind that my son, 27 now but just 4-years old when my ex and I separated, would NOT have turned out to be the good man he is had my wife and I continued to fight, argue and savage each other every day. Children become what they see and live - getting out of my marriage was the best thing I could have done for both of us. Don't think you're doing you kids any favor by staying and being miserable. You are setting the bar very low for them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darth Vader]

Get out of the marriage, it will be better for your children, go for sole custody. Yep, she's riding OM. Since you can't hire a PI, install a good keylogger. That way you will be better able to track her activity on the Net. I'm sure she has accounts that you have no idea about. Don't let her blame you for her screwing around.

[Owl]

One thing to remember...cheaters ALWAYS lie. If she's been spending time alone with this guy, its pretty much a certainty that this IS a physical as well as emotional affair.

 

You have more than enough proof now to make it clear that she's crossed the line. You need to come up with a gameplan to save your marriage. First step means she needs to COMPLETELY let this guy go...cold turkey, end of story.

 

You need to push her in that direction...you need to get a plan for dealing with this...make sense?

 

OK..quick threadjack. Shout out to all my old LS friends...LJ, WWIU, etc...just stopping by and saying hi.

[homelyboy]

hey guys,

to everyone out there, thanks for the emotional support:

I called up a marriage counsleor and he asked me to bring everything I have (evidence wise). I wanted to access her email to print some of the pictures of them together, turns out the password to her email account has changed, I ask her what the password is, she wont tell me..... this makes me really suspiciious now, so I say you wont tell me because you dont know what the password is, your Computer Administration Boyfriend changed it for you didnt he ? and she is quite.

This is driving me crazy, her BF knows her email passwd and her husband doesnt! wtf

 

Another developement I called the OM and chewed his butt out, told him to stop seeing my wife if he knew what was good for him... That makes me feel better.

[Owl]

Get a keylogger installed on her/your computer ASAP. Don't tell her you're going to, just do it.

 

You can find decent ones pretty cheap. It'll record her keystrokes and get you that password and login information right pronto.

[raincloud]

Be a little more resourcefull. Find her "other" cel phone.

 

Or don't. Obviously she's having an affair with this guy, it's time for you to start planning your exit stagity.

 

Sad story, we see it all to often.

 

 

Yes, I found my husband's "other" cell phone. But, be prepared for what you may find on it. I am going through some tough times right now too. But you do need to be strong.

[Owl]

Or don't. Obviously she's having an affair with this guy, it's time for you to start planning your exit stagity.

 

Just because she's having an affair does NOT absolutely mean the marriage is unrecoverable...I'm an old time poster on this site...and in a happily recovered marriage. Trust me of what I speak...hehehe

[ThumbingMyWay]

Just because she's having an affair does NOT absolutely mean the marriage is unrecoverable...I'm an old time poster on this site...and in a happily recovered marriage. Trust me of what I speak...hehehe

 

 

OOOOOWWWWLLLL!!!!

 

hows things? PM me sometime....would like to hear how things are going....pretty busy at work today though...

[raincloud]

You need to push her in that direction...you need to get a plan for dealing with this...make sense?

 

 

I am in a somewhat similar situation. And all situations have their similarities and differences. What works for one may not work for the other. It's that pushing in the direction toward cutting off contact with the other person that I am having trouble confronting my husband with - coming up with my "game plan". One wrong move and everything may blow up and he will run to this OW, but then again at least I'll know and can pick up the pieces. It's the children that make it so hard.