boyfriend's daughter had a meltdown :(

[sunshinegirl]

My BF has a 5-year old daughter w/ his ex-wife. She has custody but he visits regularly. Yesterday we picked daughter up to spend Mem Day with us. I have known her for about 9 months (BF and I have been dating for about 4)...and she knows I'm daddy's "special friend" or whatever.

 

She's a very warm, friendly kid and we have gotten along pretty well so far. That said, I have been avoiding sleeping at BF's place when he has her overnight -- I don't want to traumatize the kid, plus our relationship is still pretty new, so, hard to know if it's going to 'stick'. Important to note that BF wanted me to stay over, was completely fine with it, over a month ago - his ex-wife has her boyfriend sleep over regularly and daughter seemed to adjust to that okay.

 

Anyway. Last night on the way home she asks if I'm going to stay over (she also lobbied for it a month ago, and I declined that time). I hem and haw; she keeps asking. I'm torn, but I say "well, maybe I will. what would you think of that?"

 

She then goes quiet and a few minutes later starts sobbing in the back seat about how she misses mommy and daddy living together, how she doesn't like having two homes, how she wishes daddy would go live with mommy again. She cries for a good 15 minutes. BF handles it pretty well but obviously it was upsetting, for all of us. (Upsetting to me for having relented on sleeping over...though it also strangely validates my initial instinct which was that I shouldn't.) BF ends up dropping me off at home.

 

Okay. In that moment I am completely sympathetic to how he must be feeling, to how she is feeling, and in total agreement that I should stay at my own place and that they should have some alone time.

 

Fast forward to today. I expected to hear from BF this morning, as we had planned to spend the day together all along. But he doesn't call, so finally at 12:45 I call him to see how things are going.

 

He says "oh, things are fine. We ended up having a play date this morning, they're supposed to be eating lunch now, can you tell?" (I can hear the girls playing in the background) He goes on to tell me that he's taking her to his parents' house later in the day, then back to her mom's house tonight. He then says "so...I'm out of commission for the day."

 

And this is where I get upset -- he has changed the entire plan and didn't bother to inform me. Didn't bother to let me know his daughter was okay this morning. Didn't think to apologize for not calling, or for changing the plan.

 

I in fact was going to tell him when I called that it was okay with me if he wanted to spend the day with her. I didn't want to complicate things, and she needs her dad.

 

But when he went ahead and did it without even letting me know...well, now I'm upset.

 

I'm not sure what the question is... maybe there are two. One is how I should think about my role and presence in his daughter's life. The other is my BF's (lack of) communication. It's a broader pattern for him, that he does not always communicate to me things he should. I get the pecking order - I understand and accept that his daughter should be his first priority. But I guess I just want to be respected enough to be kept in the loop when changing plans affect me.

 

Any suggestions on how to talk to him about this stuff?

[sunshinegirl]

Anyone? Anyone?

 

Unfortunately I've spent much of the day dwelling on what happened, throwing myself a pity party because I had a lonely Memorial Day, and now I've escalated this thing in my head to some huge issue and I'm worried I'm going to blow it all out of proportion if/when I talk to BF.

 

Could use advice on how to keep things in perspective and how best to approach the conversation: is it a (1) request for better communication in future, (2) conversation about my role in dd's life, (3) a big 'state of relationship' talk, or (4) ???

 

Thanks in advance for all thoughts/feedback.

[Lizzie60]

I'm not sure what the question is... maybe there are two. One is how I should think about my role and presence in his daughter's life. The other is my BF's (lack of) communication. It's a broader pattern for him, that he does not always communicate to me things he should. I get the pecking order - I understand and accept that his daughter should be his first priority. But I guess I just want to be respected enough to be kept in the loop when changing plans affect me.

 

First, from what I read, you are very 'mature' about your role and about his responsibilies regarding his daughter... You're right, she IS his priority and will be for many years to come.

 

In the presence of his daughter, you should let her take 'all' the place... she won't see you as a 'threat' or as an 'opponent' (I know this isn't the word I wanted but... I'm French... my English vocabulary is not as good)...but you get the idea.

 

I agree though that he should have called you... that was very inconsiderate of him to leave you standing there not knowing what was going on. You should have a 'serious' talk about his behaviour. He needs to respect you.

 

Take it really slow for a while and wait for her to 'trust' you totally to share her dad with you... she is awfully young to fully understand what is going on and it's extremely hard and painful for her not to have both her parents in the same house anymore.

 

Be patient... good luck!

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks, Lizzie. I definitely know I need to take things slow with his daughter. I've started reading some stuff about how kids deal with divorce, and what a new person in a parent's life means for a kid.

 

I am more anxious and upset over my bf's behavior, and have really worked myself up into quite a froth over it. I think I actually need to calm myself down and get some perspective, else I will blow this all out of proportion and make the situation worse instead of better when I talk to him about it.

 

Thanks for your input.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think the "talk" is easy. Keep it unemotional and to the facts. I would say something to the effect of "I'm glad D is feeling better and your were able to enjoy your weekend together. I know that this is a hard time for her and I've decided that it's best for right now that I lay low when you have her. That way she has your undivided attention and I'll have a little extra time to devote to some projects of my own. I hope though in t he future that I can count on you to respect my time enough to let me know when plans have changed, that way we can both make the most of our day. OMG, did you see Mrs Universe bust her behind?" Basically say your peice and move on, no discussion.

 

I would not be hurt by his actions, guys just don't seem to put alot of thought into how someone else might be affected by their actions or lack of. I would however "train" him not to treat me like that by my actions not my words.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks IWWH. I am in major danger of having an emotional meltdown over the whole thing, so I will use work on negotiating myself down from the ledge. I do have to remember that it was probably just an oversight on his part and not some larger statement about our relationship or my role in his life or his daughter's life. Thanks for the suggestion of how to handle it.

[sunshinegirl]

BF emailed me about an hour ago to ask if I was around tonight and if we could get together...that he could come to my house after work if that was convenient. The tone of his message made me think he has something specific he wants to talk to me about. And now my panic is in overdrive - what if he breaks up with me tonight? Maybe he couldn't stand to see D so upset, and I was the cause of it, and so obviously I have to go. That seems extreme, but I have a really bad gut feeling about what's going to go down. I replied by email to ask if things were okay b/c he sounds serious, and I have yet to hear back from him. Which is not helping.

 

What else might he want to talk about?

[annabelle75]

BF emailed me about an hour ago to ask if I was around tonight and if we could get together...that he could come to my house after work if that was convenient. The tone of his message made me think he has something specific he wants to talk to me about. And now my panic is in overdrive - what if he breaks up with me tonight? Maybe he couldn't stand to see D so upset, and I was the cause of it, and so obviously I have to go. That seems extreme, but I have a really bad gut feeling about what's going to go down. I replied by email to ask if things were okay b/c he sounds serious, and I have yet to hear back from him. Which is not helping.

 

What else might he want to talk about?

 

Don't panic just yet, but the timing of it makes me think that whatever he has to say isn't going to be good.

 

After reading the other repsonses to your thread I wanted to let you know that you have EVERY right to be upset that he stood you up yesterday without even as much as a phone to let you know what he was doing. I am a single parent (of a 7 year old) that is currently dating. My daughter is my number 1 priority but I know that that doesn't give me an excuse to treat some on I am dating badly. Just calling you to let you know he was changing his plans would have been a very simple thing to do. The fact that he didn't shows a bit of a lack of respect.

 

I don't want to add more fuel to your panic, but I think there is something up with him. Perhaps his daughter's meltdown was the catalyst to make him consider the future of your relationship and wether or not it is going anywhere. Or maybe he wants to see you tonight to apologize for blowing you off. There is really no way to know until you talk to him.

 

I hope it goes well for you tonight. Try not to panic too much.

[sunshinegirl]

I'm trying not to panic, but he's really not helping things. We're getting together at 6, but he didn't give me a single word of explanation or reassurance around what he wants to discuss - which I asked for!

 

The weird thing is that, had you asked me Saturday night how we were doing, I would have said great! We spent all day together at an outdoor concert, rollerblading, having a picnic lunch... then we drove up the coast for a romantic sunset lounge on the beach, with wine and cheese...then over to a seafood place for steamed clams...and then some pretty great sex when we got home. That kind of day is pretty exemplar of how things have been going for us for the last four months. We've definitely been in a honeymoon period, and maybe that's suddenly ended. So it seems far-fetched that he would dump me over this, but his lack of explanation/communication is making me go to the worst case scenario.

 

I'm sorry to ramble but I need to get my nervous energy out somewhere.

[StartingOver07]

Keeping my fingers crossed for you, SSG. I was going to jump in here earlier but then I saw IWWH's thread and thought she pretty well covered it.

 

I am curious about one thing, though. You say you've been dating your bf for 4 months but have known the daughter for 9. How is that?

[allina]

The tone of his message made me think he has something specific he wants to talk to me about. And now my panic is in overdrive

 

He didn't even say he had anything serious to talk to you about, so I think you may be creating scenarios in your head due to what happened.

 

Also, I'm no expert with children but I wouldn't call a 5 year old crying a "meltdown" It's a small kid, they tend to cry over anything.

[sunshinegirl]

Thank you SO07.

 

I've known my BF since last summer; we didn't start dating until the end of January. We have friends in common and he would bring his daughter to various get-togethers, so I first met her back in August or September when we were all at these big group social things. Of course at that time I was just some random adult in her daddy's circle of grown-ups, and to me she was just "that cute guy's cute kid".

 

I believe he explained my new role as girlfriend to her early on, maybe even in February. I know he prepped her for the possibility of me sleeping over in early March - something that freaked me out at the time, as I thought it was way too early to be having overnights.

 

Anyway, that's how I've known her for 9 months. Thanks for your well wishes. I've been everyone I know to cross their fingers for me. (Funny, since I've never considered myself a superstitious person!)

[sunshinegirl]

He didn't even say he had anything serious to talk to you about, so I think you may be creating scenarios in your head due to what happened.

 

Also, I'm no expert with children but I wouldn't call a 5 year old crying a "meltdown" It's a small kid, they tend to cry over anything.

 

Allina, I really hope you're right - that I'm creating scenarios in my head. He's just so darn uncommunicative sometimes that the lack of information leaves room for me to make worst-case-scenario predictions when I'm a little anxious.

 

I'm no expert with kids either, but it's hard to dismiss 15 minutes of sobbing "I miss us being a family. I miss mommy and daddy living together. I don't like having two houses. I want daddy to move back in with mommy".

 

What sucks is that you can't really say "well you know what? Your mommy is the one who cheated on daddy and broke up your family, so go cry to her!!!"

[StartingOver07]

Try also to remember some of the upset you felt about he handled cancelling your plans.

[allina]

 

I'm no expert with kids either, but it's hard to dismiss 15 minutes of sobbing "I miss us being a family. I miss mommy and daddy living together. I don't like having two houses. I want daddy to move back in with mommy".

 

What sucks is that you can't really say "well you know what? Your mommy is the one who cheated on daddy and broke up your family, so go cry to her!!!"

 

It's odd that a small child would have this type of understanding of the situation, seems complex for 5. Do you think her mom is saying things around her that could have caused this?

 

I'm not familiar with your situation but I really believe that everything will be fine when you see him. He may want to make sure you understand the situation with his child but I can't see him breaking things off.

[sb129]

SSG, my ex had a son, and I know how you feel about this, altho his son is too small to behave the way your guys daughter did.

 

One thing that my ex said was that if we ever broke up (we did, long story) he would be careful who he introduced his son to in the future, because he wanted as much stability in his son's life as possible. He worried about his ex wife introducing their son to lots of different men etc and the sone getting confused.

 

POint is, I dont think he will break up with you over this. you already know his daughter, you get on well, it will just be another disruption to her if you split, and he ends up with someone else.

This sounds like a terrible insult to you! (Of course he is with you because he likes you). It isn't an insult. honestly, I hope you understand what I am trying to say, I am so tired.

[StartingOver07]

I'm no expert with kids either, but it's hard to dismiss 15 minutes of sobbing "I miss us being a family. I miss mommy and daddy living together. I don't like having two houses. I want daddy to move back in with mommy".

 

Agreed. But Dad must surely know that this is to be expected, that likely something other than you was the trigger, that there will be good days and not-so-good days for dd, etc. Unless he's planning on taking up residence at a monastery, stuff like this may happen on occasion.

 

Personally, I am not convinced that you shouldn't have stayed over. I will confess that my first reaction was that you did the right thing to avoid a situation that might further upset dd but, in hindsight, I think it is probably not good to give dd so much power. Not in the sense of a power struggle but in the sense that I think it can be scary for a 5yo to know that she wields the power to decide whether daddy's gf is going to spend the night. That said, I am in general opposed to divorced parents having so's sleep over in front of the kids. But since mom is already doing this, I am not sure it matters if daddy does, too. I think he could have calmed dd by reassuring her of his love and suggesting that you would all play games/read stories/whatever together that evening and make pancakes in the morning, etc. Gently but firmly explain to dd that he and mommy aren't going to be one family again, etc. I don't think it helps dd to see that her meltdown stopped the action and sent everyone scurrying.

 

Sorry - I am rambling here.

 

In any case, think about this r/s in the longer view. I know that you are currently pre-occupied with what he's going to say tonight, but don't overlook what you truly want. Getting involved with someone who has children is very different from getting involved with another unattached person. (I am guessing you do not have kids.).

[Lizzie60]

BF emailed me about an hour ago to ask if I was around tonight and if we could get together...that he could come to my house after work if that was convenient. The tone of his message made me think he has something specific he wants to talk to me about. And now my panic is in overdrive - what if he breaks up with me tonight? Maybe he couldn't stand to see D so upset, and I was the cause of it, and so obviously I have to go. That seems extreme, but I have a really bad gut feeling about what's going to go down. I replied by email to ask if things were okay b/c he sounds serious, and I have yet to hear back from him. Which is not helping.

 

What else might he want to talk about?

 

Maybe he just wants to talk to you about what happened the other day and gives you an update of his situation.... Maybe he feels sorry for the way he behaved towards you... he might want to apologize. who knows?

 

What if he breaks up with you tonight? Then what, it will hurt but it's not the end of the world...you'll survive.

 

I replied by email to ask if things were okay b/c he sounds serious, and I have yet to hear back from him. Which is not helping.

 

See, I think you're bf is bad at getting back or calling back... I know I am just like him... I know I'm bad... maybe it's just a bad habit that he needs to correct.

 

Keep posting... Now I want to know what happens tonight. I will keep my fingers and my toes crossed for you...

[annabelle75]

I don't think it helps dd to see that her meltdown stopped the action and sent everyone scurrying.

 

 

I completely agree with you on this. I think he handled it badly and showed her that all she had to do was cry and she could make everyone do what she wanted. As a single mom I understand how hard it can be, but giving her that kind of control isn't healthy. Also canceling his plans to play with her the next day wasn't a good thing either. Not for her but for him. Setting a pattern where all she has to do is cry about them not being a family and she suddenly gets all of his attention will only set him up for trouble in the future.

[sunshinegirl]

Setting a pattern where all she has to do is cry about them not being a family and she suddenly gets all of his attention will only set him up for trouble in the future.

 

I thought of this too... but then thought "well, she's only 5, I doubt she cried because she was deliberately trying to manipulate the situation. Maybe we are pushing my presence too fast, and she's too young/confused."

 

Then again, I agree that she can't be allowed to run the show. So where is that line? And do I have any kind of standing to say such a thing to my BF? For me to say something like that sounds really selfish.

[annabelle75]

I thought of this too... but then thought "well, she's only 5, I doubt she cried because she was deliberately trying to manipulate the situation. Maybe we are pushing my presence too fast, and she's too young/confused."

 

Then again, I agree that she can't be allowed to run the show. So where is that line? And do I have any kind of standing to say such a thing to my BF? For me to say something like that sounds really selfish.

 

At this point if you say anything it may push him away. This is new territory for him too and he probably would be offended if you start critiquing his parenting skills. But if this becomes a regular problem, you'll have to say something eventually. As the relationship progresses adn you become more a part of their lives, you'll be in a better position to address the problem. But hopefully it won't become a regular problem.

[StartingOver07]

I thought of this too... but then thought "well, she's only 5, I doubt she cried because she was deliberately trying to manipulate the situation. Maybe we are pushing my presence too fast, and she's too young/confused."

 

Well, as a mother, I can tell you that kids have a 6th sense abut being manipulative. It is part of their nature, I think, and I don't mean that in a negative way. And even if she didn't intend to be manipulative, she will quickly learn. 5 is not too young to absorb that lesson (especially depending on what she sees from mom)

 

Then again, I agree that she can't be allowed to run the show. So where is that line? And do I have any kind of standing to say such a thing to my BF? For me to say something like that sounds really selfish.

 

I agree that this is a really fine line to walk. You haven't said enough to indicate where you stand in this r/s but my take is that you don't want to bring this up. If he hasn't come to this conclusion on his own, I am not sure he will be able to hear it coming from you, especially on the heels of a rocky weekend. Then again, maybe he's coming over to propose!

[sunshinegirl]

Then again, maybe he's coming over to propose!

 

Ha ha - so now we have theories ranging from: he's breaking up with me to he's apologizing to me to he's proposing to me. It will be quite an adventure to see what he really has to say!

 

Oh, I just thought of a fourth theory: given his general non-communicative nature, maybe he is just thinking we're hanging out for a couple of hours tonight and he doesn't, in fact, have anything specific on his mind.

 

Ugh - I will be mad if that's the case!

 

SO07 - good guess...I don't really want to bring his parenting style up. Doesn't feel appropriate. Though if he goes down breakup road, and it's because of her upset the other night, I very well may bring it up!!!

[sunshinegirl]

He broke up with me.

 

I'm in shock, I'm crying, I can't believe he did, but how is it that my gut instinct was sooo right?

[StartingOver07]

What reason did he give SG?