Trouble coping with his new gf. Is it a rebound? Soooo sad :(

[Starlight Starbright]

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. I am shocked and sooo deeply hurt. This might get long . . .

 

The thing is, I SHOULD have known better. My ex was so incredibly emotionally unstable throughout our relationship. I was making 3 times more money than him and had a higher degree. This made him VERY insecure. He would always say "I don't understand why you need me." He also had inherent trust issues. Had repeatedly cheated on his last girlfriend, but I was led to believe this was because she was a b**ch. I asked him why he had dated her for 2 years, and he said "I guess because I could get regular sex from her while I was in school." After he broke up with her, he knew I liked him alot and said he liked me too, but insisted on staying single. He kept saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. He just wanted to be single. What made him change his mind about me? I finally had sex with him a year after we started hanging out. That changed everything, he started pursuing me and two months later we were a couple. We were both 25.

 

Once he started dating me, he fell for me pretty hard. Combined with his insecurities and his trust issues, this led to many many problems. He was an incredibly jealous boyfriend. But the thing was, I was an awesome girlfriend to him. I helped him build up his life and figure out that he wanted to go back and get a second bachelor's degree and then go to law school. I even took him to Europe as a bday present and paid for everything (there was no way he could afford it). It was his first time doing anything like that and he said it was the best time of his life.

 

However, his jealousy slowly started to get to me and I became more and more depressed. This affected our sex life, as I was often upset with him. I also had a thyroid problem whisch contributed to the problems with sex. But still, he kept saying "Don't worry about anything, we're going to be together forever." Haha. I was so stupid.

 

So, this January, after almost 2 years together, out of the blue, he breaks up with me. The first thing he says "i just feel more confident than ever. I feel like I can get any girl that I want. I've been checking out other girls, and its just not fair to you" He said that he just wanted to be single and unrestricted. He just wasn't ready to be in his last relationship in life. I cried and begged and then finally accepted it. By the end of the breakup, he was sobbing and when I asked him if he was still in love with me he sobbed "I'm still f****ing in love with you, ok?"

 

I was soooo devastated. When I talked to him in the weeks following the breakup, he said he was missing me alot and pretty depressed. Specifically, six weeks after the breakup, he said "I still can't handle seeing you right now" when we discussed meeting up to exchange stuff. He seemed pretty adament about remaining friends with me, because "he missed my brain." I told him that I could not be friends with him for a very long time. I asked him again why he did it and he said "because I felt smothered by our relationship and I just want to be single right now." I replied "If you meet a girl in 2 weeks that you really like, would you get in a relationship with her?" and he said "Nope" right away. I've been pretty much NC since then.

 

Now I find out from his best friend/roommate, "Eric", that just 2 months after our breakup (meaning in early April), my ex got into another relationship! I don't understand!!!!!!!! How do people DO this kind of stuff?

 

This girl moved into the empty room in their house a week after our breakup. That's how my ex met her. So, they live together. Eric told me that my ex has TOTALLY changed since he started dating this girl. She has no car, no job (well, she has an internship), no money, and no friends (she just moved out here from Texas). She's totally lazy. So she's the opposite of me (although we kind of look alike). He drives her to and from her internship. He spends ALL his time with her. Eric says that my ex has pretty much pushed everyone else away - which is weird because he NEVER used to pick me over his friends. Eric said he thinks my ex is with her just out of convenience, but I still don't get it. The other twist is that this girl is the ex girlfriend of Eric's other best friend. My ex was friends with this guy too! He KNEW that Eric's friend still had feelings for her, so in the beginning of the relationship, my ex and this girl kept it a secret from everyone, even Eric. Isn't it serious stuff to break the guy code of never taking your friend's ex? I know he's violated the code two other times in the past, with one of his other best friends.

 

Lastly, Eric confessed that my ex told him that he missed me about 2 weeks ago. Eric advised him to call me, to which my ex responded "she won't talk to me." Which I won't (he tried to find out how I was doing by email a month ago and I was vague and wished him all the best and shut the door on further communication). Also, my ex apparently called his new girlfriend by MY name to her face last week and she slapped him in response. I KNOW he misses me. I know part of him still loves me. I keep thinking this HAS to be a rebound - he is trying to prove something to himself. Especially since he jumped into this relationship sooo fast.

 

Here's my analysis: him telling me he felt "smothered by our relationship" meant that he felt tired of feeling inadequate. He had admitted to me how insecure he was with me, and that he used to worry alot about the relationship. So all throughout the relationship, he worked his butt off to try to improve himself - getting raises at work ,taking community college pre-req's for the second bachelor's program, becoming an EMT, renting a room in a nicer house. Once he had finally build up his self-esteem, he dropped me. And it sucks because i helped him get to that point. I was his financial and emotional safety net. That's why he told me he felt "more confident than ever" when he dumped me. Now he's trying to prove he can be "the man" in a relationship and I bet he likes to feel needed. I read that alot of times people on the rebound will change their behavior in trying to fix unresolved issues in their past relationship. I also read that alot of times the friends wont approve of the new rebound (Eric hates her, he says she is too lazy and needy).

 

Since this was my first relationship/first love, I still don't get it. I know everyone is going to say, forget about him, he isnt worth your time, and believe me I am TRYING, but I have never met anyone that I've gotten along with more than him. I am sad because now I know that I could never get back with him after hearing this latest news, but still I can't help but wonder. . .

 

Does this sound like a rebound? We were together 2 years and totally in love. He even kept telling me he was still in love when he broke it off with me (although he admitted that his feelings had changed from the beginning, which I am guessing meant that the infatuation had worn off).

 

Even though he is 27 right now, I know he is just too emotionally immature. Do guys like him EVER grow up?

 

I know sexual infatuation governs his relationships. If someone is like that, do they ever change?

 

I keep beating myself up over the fact that I neglected our sex life. And now I keep thinking that he will probably prefer this girl by default just because of the sex. Our sexual chemistry was awesome in the beginning of the relationship, but like I said, because of a thyroid problem and some depression, my sex drive was pretty low throughout the second year of the relationship. Will this fact alone make him completely forget about me, even if he loved me? This is the part that I have the hardest time dealing with, because its the only part of our relationship that I know I messed up in.

 

I guess if he really is only capable of sexual infatuation, then my answer is that he really is over me and he now probably thinks he is in love with this new girl. But, if he really did love me, and I truly am the better girlfriend/girl for him, will he probably eventually realize it? Especially since he is already missing me now, don't you think as this rebound disintegrates, he will realize the mistake he made? (seriously, they LIVE together and she depends on him for EVERYTHING - that is going to get very suffocating very fast).

 

Please, any insight would be so greatly appreciated. I KNOW I shouldnt care. I haven't posted on here for a long time. But . . . I just, well I'm curious to hear what all of you have to say.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[corazoncito]

I'm sorry that you're going through all this. I'm kind of in a rush, and I'm hoping some of the other posters will chime in about how, in the end, it doesn't matter if it's a rebound or not. He took without giving and made you hurt and depressed. It's the best thing that he is out of your life now. And you're not a bad person because he was the one to end it.

 

What I do want to say now is that you need to stop talking to Eric about what the ex is doing. You're just torturing yourself. Also ask him not to speak to you about it. Even if everything Eric is telling you is true, it's not making you feel better. In fact, I think it's making things worse.

 

Take care of yourself and do something fun this weekend, something to totally take your mind off the ex.

[InvisibleTouch]

Hi

 

Sorry to hear of your confusion.

 

First off, you doing No Contact (NC) is absolutely the correct thing to do so dont doubt that aspect of where you are at. By doing this you have cut off the one thing that this guy doesn't appreciate but needs the most - a support system. Corza is right, stop talking with his mates.

 

Secondly, he doesn't love this other girl. Sex is never enough to form the basis of any healthy relationship. However, his sex drive may be something that he is trying to rationalise by leaving you and going with her. You have identified that too and I agree.

 

Thirdly and most importantly, the girl he is with at the moment is not good (she slapped him?). I cant be sure but I would say that she is controlling him like he controlled you. So in essence he is now in a situation where he will learn the hard way about what relationships are really about. By that i mean he needs to be mistreated in order to see your true value. He misses you for sure but there is no way on this earth that he has anything for you at this point in his life so dont let him back in.

 

Finally, dont worry about your thyroid problem and the effects it has on your sex drive. You posses the magical ingredients to make a healthy relationship work and that is something you should take great strength from.

 

You have done nothing wrong accept fall for an emotionally unavailable void...

[Starlight Starbright]

Thank you both. I know you are right. I told Eric yesterday that I no longer wish to discuss anything about my ex or his new gf.

 

Invisible Touch, I think you were dead on about the support system thing - I was his biggest support, and now that I've been practicing No Contact, he is starting to realize it. He sent me an email today, and it pretty much is aimed at manipulating me into letting him know that he has not lost his support system. Please look at my new thread if you get a chance. It's titled something like "Incredibly manipulative email recieved from ex".