She dumped me but wont leave? second chance ever?

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

Ive got another thread around here somewhere, cant find it to link to, ive been offline for a week i think.

Short summary, shes 19, im 25. Whirlwind romance, 8 months, few disagreements, maybe 2 small arguments. familys each love the "future in law". We live together, engaged without formal announcement. She breaks it off about a month ago now, no clear reason other than she is too young to be settling down all of a sudden, perhaps realized shes only a teenager for a lil longer, I dont know. The generic "I love you, just not in love anymore".

Ok, rebound guy meets her when she was at a hang out with friends, then had gone to sit in her car and cry thinkin about what had happened with us. He talks to her etc, normal thing of getting a vunerable woman, etc.

Shes still honest about everything in her life, now calls me instead of all her normally close girlfriends when somethings wrong... And aside from her just seeming to be on a self destructive ride for the past couple of weeks, shes even told me this guy doesnt treat her right, etc. Hell, he told her the other day he doesnt "see them goin far" In other words, he was semi warning her hes just playin with her til he finds something new....

 

Well, she has after a week of the break up said shes gonna go move in with this friend or another, then changer her mind a few days later. I am not feeding her anymore, takin care of her, etc. The only thing shes gettin to do here is sleep on the couch, shower, play on my computer or the such. Shes rarely here anyways, stays out til 2am at least most nights, comes in tries to be quiet and go to sleep on the couch, thne get up shower leave again. Shes around for a few hours here or there, or decides to stay in and try to hang out with me or something.

And now, day before yesterday she calls while with dad for fathers day, says shes gonna move in with him in a few days. Yesterday, when i wake up to go help a friend with moving and workin on cars, she wakes too. on the way out, i asked her to try to clean in between packin if she didnt mind ( she had said she was gonna clean the whole place for me sunday). Told her if she wants to move in the afternoon or wait til the weekend, ill get my guys to help take care of movin her stuff out, etc. when i stop, she says "well, if youll give me a minute" kinda thing, that shes decided moving in with dad isnt gonna work... i kinda just stand there with a blank look, she asks "Are you dissappointed?" i just say we'll talk about it later and leave.

 

As much as I know ill miss her, living alone without roommates for the first time ever, etc. I know its best for the both of us for her to move out. To let me keep healing (everyone seems in disbeleif at how well im handling things, but i spent 3 years alone workin on myself, and im just a happy person these days, got nothin to lose really, so why worry) and get back to workin on myself, etc. And if shes ever gonna miss me or want to try again, she needs to go on out and remember what the worlds like without me, how other people, fake friends, idiot boys and the such treated and will treat her. The people who know us, know whats goin on say if she gets out on her own, she'll realize she screwed up, what she lost, etc and start tryin to come back.

 

Ive detached for the most part, avoiding contact with her best i can, without it being obvious, or seeming intentional. rarely answer my cell the first time she calls wait for her to call twice. if she texts, im busy, or give a quick reply after a while. Im not reachin out to hug or love on her etc, broken that habit finally.

I'm not sure that shes even as physically attractive to me as she was, partially cause i know shes stayin tired not takin care of her self, part because my relationship with a person alters my perception of them visually ( i notice or dont notice imperfections etc) Hell, i think shes gained weight whereas ive lost most all my extra, im getting thin and workin out again ( doesnt the dumpee normally end up the one depressed miserable and gaining weight? seems backwards, or am i just stronger than her?)

 

Honestly i dont know i would want her back, i mean i know i still do, but when i imagine her comin back in my head its bitter sweet at best. It would take a long time to trust again, have to go really slow, maybe ask her to just try being completely alone for a month to sit and figure herself out. I dont know. Like i said, i know i will want her back, even if at the moment other things tell me i dont right now. She was my dream girl, met all these criteria i had gathered in my head over the years learning what i need. Only lacked ability to fully commit i guess, though a few weeks before she had said she wanted to get my name with a 's , as in belongs to me, right below her waist... i didnt let that get done, woulda made me feel better now in a sick way, but i knew then that if things ever fell apart, shed regret it and despise me for it.

I'm seeing more signs day to day that aside from needing me in her life for one reason or another, shes gonna try to come back.

But, how could there be a second chance unless she moves out and gets a chance to really miss me, likewise, i need to get myself fully up to par again before doin anything with anyone again, even her.

I've been encouraging her to get out, askin her when shes packing, making sure she sees its not bothering me and perhaps i like the idea of her being gone so i get the place to myself. She still hasnt found a job, and i do want to be sure shes gonna be taken care of, able to pay for food, gas, doctors, etc. I know her mom or her dad would do it, should i outright tell her to get out?

I know i would love to try again if im single when shes had a chance to grow up a bit or the such, so i dont want to be a jerk, plus id still like to have her as a good friend, maybe after a lil NC we could just hang out without akwardness. We share too many interests, my friends are hers now and vice versa. Hell, a friend of mine and his godson want to go camping again soon. then went with me and my ex last time. And i'd like to get to a point where she could come along with us and just have fun without me just waiting for a sign or an opening to do something etc, or her being paranoid that im gonna try something.

 

Its still wierd for me in a few ways. i know i could seduce her or otherwise take advantage of her if i wanted, but its not in my nature, im more interested in heart and mind than the body, as theres lots of "bodies" out there i could have. we've drank at the house a few times since the break, once she started things up with me and i was too far gone to know better, but i havent done anything. last time she was a bit outa it, but i was still clear minded, i went and laid her in the bed, stripped her down for sleep (she said she couldnt sleep in what she was wearing, and i know its true from past) set out a towel and bag incase she got sick, then went up front to watch TV. She takes meds at night that knock her out sometimes really hard, ive been nice and carried her to the bed when shes passed out and i was up front doin something, threw a blanket over her then went up front to go back to playin my video game....

 

So is something wrong with me? am i too much of a gentle man with her? I admit i want her back if she gets herself together down the line, but not any time soon, and couldnt see myself leaving someone for her. But i know i need to get her out of my place and have very limited contact or NC even for a while to let go of a few things that still bother me and hold me back....

 

What do i do? What have i done wrong, what have i done right?

I'd love to hear anything on this, comments or advice, parallel anecdotes, etc....

thanks

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

small clarifications:

shes been sayin shes gonna move in with whoever, then changing her mind in a few days several times since the first few days after the break

 

my name below her waist, if not obvious, was gonna be a simple tattoo saying "myname's" .. she said it would be something that only i would see so itwould justbe her thing to me to remind me how commited she was. I do wonder if that was an attempt on her part to force her self to stay commited to me ( if my name, a rare name, was on her, shed have a hard time leaving me and finding someone new, specially that shared my name)

 

and the camping thing: we went camping twice at nice national parks during relationship, the second time was with friend and his god son. my friend and godson want to go camping again, but im not sure it would be as much fun with just us 3, but i also think it would be too akward and dangerous to take her anytime soon as just a friend sharin my tent next to freinds tent. my friends godson 13 years old, enjoyed hanging around her and listened to her like a mom so my friend and i had a few chances to go do guy things that the kid nor my ex could do, like rock climbing, caving, long hikes, etc

and we dont share a bed since the breakup, dont change in front of each other, if im in the room, she turns away tryin to hide herself, and ill make a point to obviously turn my head instead of stealin a glimpse... which is hard for me, as i know there are times in which she wouldnt care, and i still think shes hot, and im being celibate... does take willpower not to just take advantage of her being here or starting up something meaningless, but ive made it a firm decision in my mind, that if i cant have her heart, i dont want her body.

 

comments, suggestions, etc.....

[LakesideDream]

Cake eater. She is accustomed to having someone "take care of her". In this case it's supplying an address and a roof over her head.

 

She's not gonna change soon sport. Time to tell her that room mates share expenses.

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

Well,talked to her tonight and seems mom wont let her go home for some reason. now best she can say is "I dont know" says she will start giving me more money if she stays any longer, but cant say when shell be out or a minimum time shell be here.....

I know i still crave her love and her touch, hits me hard sometimes, specially tonight, she sat down next to me while i was watchin a movie and is just a foot away leanin back on the other end ofthe couch. That makes it hard. I know i could do something, start something up, or even just pull her over to lean/cuddle on me, etc but I know better, would just be too painful, to remember what i used to have all the time, what i cant have again any time soon.

I dont know what im supposed to do. I want to enjoy what i do have left with her for now on one hand, but one the other,i do konw better. I wouldnt want to ruin or spoil any chance we'd have in the future, wouldnt want to just use her like that, too much respect for her. And I tell myself its below the standards i holdmyself to, morally or the such.

 

I dont konw if i should find someone else to distract me, cause i know i couldnt actually love them anytime soon, couldnt be sure i wouldnt be outright using them. Perhaps it would be morally acceptible with full disclosure ahead of time what theyre up against, but i dont think so.

 

Any help at all? I'm having to work hard to avoid doing things i would consider morally bad actions.

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

we talked for a couple of hours, discussed a few things, let her just beopen with me the way she used to rely on me. She did say that yeah getting my name tattooed was her tryin to force herself to commit. I told her why i didnt let her follow through on that, but she says she wouldnt have resented me for it had we still fallen apart. I dont have the urge to do stupid or immoral things, but now i am remembering why i havent been able to forget her. why i cant write her off.

 

I think i can move on with my own life, but i know certain things will stay for life. things i know didnt happen with anyone else in my 25 years of life.

 

what can i do? I want to be as open with her as she is with me, but without hiding my feelings and decieving her about my caring by avoiding her, she wont get the chance to miss me....

 

I honestly would rather her be happy and healthy than come back to me.

I miss her, know I was happier with her than any other time in my life, but I do still truly love her, and I really beleive that I could die alone but be content just knowing she was ok.

 

help?

[trent25]

She is 19. Her feelings change with the wind. This will not work. She is too young. She will not even consider something stable till 23 or 24. Stop dating young girls. I have. There's only one game in town for that.

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

so what do i do? make use of her having to live here and get what i can or be respectful and try to get her to move and wait a few years?

[trent25]

Listen Bro,

 

I just got dumped by a 20 yr old. I fell in love with her, ignoring the fact that she could be gone at any minute because she was so young. The more you keep her around, the more it is going to hurt. If there is anyway, get her out of that place. Never chase a young girl. They never like to be chased. You have to let her go. She will tear your heart out slowly if you keep her around. You will fall deeper for her. She will flee. The best is to distance yourself someway. You never know, in a few years, she may come back. She may not. But it is almost impossible to keep a 19 yr old girl with you. You could be the greatest guy in the world but she will crave experience. She wants to know whats out there. Let her go. You have to stop talking to her. Limit your contact. Get out while there is a chance. This girl really affected me. She made everything stop. I became obsessed with trying to make her happy. It is the worst feeling in the world. She started dating someone two weeks after dumping me. Don't let it come to that.

[lonelybuthappy]

so what do i do? make use of her having to live here and get what i can or be respectful and try to get her to move and wait a few years?

 

Why are you so dependent.. You're better alone, she isn't worth your time. stop thinking about her.Say to yourself:" She doesn't exist anymore". Trust me, I was dumped for second time, but now is much easier because I realized she isn't THE ONE, and now I want to regain my self confidence again. In fact , I enjoy to be alone.The most important is: do not blame yourself.. Forget that, God will forgive you.

[underpants]

You are enabling her to use you. If you are happy with this arrangement then so be it. If not, then leave. These, unfortunately are your options.

 

I replied to your previous post. This apartment is in her name. Let her have the place, it simply is not worth the torture nor is it helpful to your healing when she is there....milking your care for all she can get (even if she is blissfully unaware of it). She gets to live rent free, date and party and if I recall she doesn't even work. All that, and you still take care of her. Don't be her doormat dude.

 

If I were you I would find a place...today. Sign the lease and move out. She wants to experience things, so force her hand. Let her fall on her behind a little (It's called growing up). Her parents won't take her back in, well, that is between her and her parents. By breaking up with you she has absolved you of being responsible for her. You just simply need to move on.

 

I also recall you having the option of moving temporarly to your Dad's. I know that is not ideal. None of your options are ideal, but you have to look out for yourself right now. I would suggest moving out this weekend, if not sooner and doing it when she is not there (avoiding needy drama). Leave her a letter wishing her well and since she can't seem to find a place that you have, and no don't tell her where. Then go stay with your Dad until you find a place of your own. A 20 minute commute is not as bad as dealing with living with an ex who you still clearly have feelings for. You might even find yourself more motivated to find a great place that is clear of all past drama. You need to pull way away from her, get totally off her radar for a good long while.

 

Good luck, and keep posting.

Unders

 

 

 

It seems like a very unhealthy situation, for you.

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

i am aboutto try to move everything to my name, as i do like this location, then start moving her stuff to her dads. I told her I wanted to move the rest of my stuff in, she asked what she would do with her stuff, im gonna start setting it aside in stacks or boxes and get ready to move her out, if nothing else, itll be in my name, MY PLACE, she agreed to that last night. then i can ever so subtly make it clear she needs to get out... does that seem reasonable?

She does know where both my parents live, and has the numbers to both in her phone, so i would like to avoid excess drama.

[underpants]

Well I guess if you just have to be there, then that is your choice.

 

I would just realize that she might still attempt to use you in the future. Crashing at your house, wanting to pop over unannounced, needing .....something. Just be prepared and start building some boundaries with her.

 

If you must have this place then get the lease switched today. Have her out by the end of the weekend, no later. You will have to be firm. She might even find herself a little attracted to that, but don't get your hopes up.

 

Why do you have to move her stuff to her Dad's? Does she not have a car? Does she not have arms? Can you just put boxes in her car, how is that for subtle? I just can't imagine the hold she has on you. Why do you do so much for someone who just takes it and doesn't give back??? You need to get a little mad. You are being WAY too nice and it will not be rewarded, not by her. You don't need to be a total jerk either, but it is okay to be firm and stand up for yourself and issue an ultimatium for her to leave, and stick to it.

 

It is high time she left so you can move on. It sounds as though both of you are postponing the inevitable, and each for their own reasons.

 

Get tough, be strong, you will get through this, just do it quickly.

 

Regards,

Unders

[Topper]

first you need to get real about why you want to stay. You want to leave the door open to her. in the back of your mind is some wierd fantasy that she will come begging you to forgive her and take her back. It's not going to happen.

her apt isn't the only place in town that has a good location. that's just your excuse to stay hand out and torcher yourself. You are not doing her any favors either. As long as you are her back up plan she will never grow up. the fact is the longer this goes on the more she will start to resent you. It won't be long before she will just see you as her little pussy boy. You call yourself a gentleman There is nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind the man part. be a man do the right thing. it is the right thing for you and for her. Move out find your own place. build your own life. Someday you will meet a real woman, not a spoiled child in a woman's body.

Do not sign everything into your own name. Go find your own place.

[oppath]

Dude, move out. Do not put it in your name. Here is why: the entire apartment is associated with her. It is your place, your meaning the couple, not you as an individual. If you want to delay your healing, stay there, but every time you turn the corner, you'll expect to see her. You'll be cooking in the kitchen remembering the times you cooked together.

 

My ex tore my heart out and we did NOT live together. It was hard sleeping in my bed; I bought new sheets! It helped, but memories still existed. I can't imagine had she lived there too, that would have been torture.

 

Move out. Find your own place and build your own life. You don't have to bitch her out, but she CLOSED THE DOOR when she dumped you...yet you've kept it ajar so she comes back in when something smells good from the kitchen. Move out, and let the door smack her on the ass for good when it closes.