Flakes

[JeanQueen]

How many of you have ever had a guy or girl you were dating for more that a couple months just totally disappear on you??

 

I'm talking about someone who, until this point, you'd been seeing regularly, talking to almost daily, know each other's friends, know where they work, maybe even been introduced to their parents.

 

Do people really do this? All lovey dovey one day, making plans, kissing, etc. then they just never talk to you again.

 

I think this is happening to me and I just wanted to know why. I've went over everything and I can't see anything that I did or he did that would have turned things around so much.

 

Would anyone like to share their stories with me?

[Star Gazer]

Yes. It's happened to me - twice. I'd prefer not to rehash the details (sucky memories) but I can empathize with you. It sucks, and I've come to learn the hard way that the only reason this happens is that lame chiche that no matter how much we want it NOT to be true really IS true: "He's just not that into you."

 

Any dude who would just "disappear" like that is not worthy.

 

As a side note, I totally don't understand your signature.

[Steveto]

heh..I am sorta going through this now..but we aren't dating..just talking ont he phone and we were supposed to meet up to make it official.,..we talked for 2.5 weeks over the phone amd SMS literally every day, then boom..2.5 weeks nothing..I found out later that he phone was busted, she got sick, stress from work (she does work long hrs)..anyway long story short...I finally got into contact with her recently...it was a little awkward, not talking for so long..AGAIN she disappears..I know we aren't bf/gf, but this is ridiculous.

 

I think in most cases it is the other person that is irresponsible...Those 3 weeks of no contact made me realize that I did this to someone as well and I didn't even realize it...I was dating someone at the time and said I'm taking off to Europe..she gave me her address and I havent contacted her since..Yes, I admit, when it comes to writing snail mail or returning calls, sometimes I can just brush it aside. I don't make this a habit or anything, but if the person is important enough to me, I would make a damn good effort. Yes, I feel horrible for doing that..next time I'll think twice.

[JeanQueen]

OK, thanks guys.

 

It's just so weird going from everyday contact to nothing for 5 days. I don't get it.

 

The only thing I can think of is that he kind of had a break down or something. He's taking anti-d's and has said some things is the past like "I just don't feel like I'm where I', supposed to be" and "I you think you can deal with me while I'm going through all this then I'd like to keep seeing you". So, maybe he decided he just needed some time to himself or something. I can't really blame someone too much that's going through psychological problems because I know how that is. You just don't want to talk to anyone...no matter what.

 

Still, I would appreciate a phone call or e-mail at least. I guess he's just not the person I though he was.

 

Star Gazer:

My signature is just something my friend said that was pretty funny at the time. He was being interviewed about current events and they asked him how he felt about the AIDS crisis and then how he felt about Pres. Bush. He said he liked AIDS better.

[Freedom Now]

Yep....

 

I got involved with a flake too.

 

Funny, though.

 

He just texted me last night after two and one half weeks of NC.

 

And as far as him texting me after all this time, it just proves that he is REALLY flaky.

 

Crazy making behavior.

 

And I don't have time for that.

 

But, yes, it still hurts.

 

I honestly think he is crazy.

 

And you can't fix crazy.

 

FN

[JeanQueen]

I'm contemplating calling him tomorrow one last time. He probably won't answer, so I might leave a message. It would only be the third time I've called him in a week and it will be the last attempt I make. I don't know what to say though.

 

Something like:

 

"Hey, just thought I'd give you a ring to see if you were around. I hope you're doing OK. Give me a call if you want to talk".

 

What do you guys think?

 

I don't want to seem like I'm mad at him incase he really is having some emotional problems.

 

Ugh, I just remembered I bought him a really nice gift for us to kind of share while I was in NYC and now I guess I won't be getting much use out of it

[Freedom Now]

If you are hell bent on contacting him, I would keep it light.

 

I would say something like, "Hope you're doing well....Take care and I wish you well...."

 

I would think that saying something like that would give you closure if you need it, and would show dignity as you walk away....

 

Good luck.

 

DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM HIM.

 

You can't change a person's flakiness. Just distance as fast as you can. The problem lies with him - not you.

 

Remember that.

[Trialbyfire]

While I'm sure there are real crazies out there, I think the balance of guys/girls who do this are expressing disinterest or have found someone else. Better to know sooner than later.

[Freedom Now]

I agree TBF.

 

And the best thing to do is to distance as quickly as possible.

[Trialbyfire]

You bet FN. You contact them once and if they don't respond, it's time to move on for your own emotional health.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Many men would call me flaky. I go on a few dates with them, return thair calls, texts etc then just decide one day that I'm not that into them and stop answering calls. I don't feel like I owe any explanations at this early stage. Usually though, those were the guys that I weren't all that into to begin with but that dated them to "give them a chance and see what happens".

 

Bottom line is, if someone just dissapears within first few weeks/months of dating, they never really liked you. Even if it seemed to you like they did. People very often see what they want to see.

 

And if you get random texts afterwards, no it doesn't mean that they are interested after all. They are just horny/bored/in need of ego boost.

[JeanQueen]

Well, I don't text so I don't expect that to be a problem.

 

I guess I'll just call the one last time for my own closure then move on.

 

I'm trying to tell myself that it's not me...he's got his own problems obviously. It's just going to be rather ackward when I see him out at the bars or with mutual friends. I wonder how he'll act.

 

Thanks for your comments guys

[Freedom Now]

My guy just called a few minutes ago.

 

I let it go to voice mail.

 

He had his chance with me and he blew it.

 

Inconsistency is a big dealbreaker for me.

 

Good news is: I distanced from him weeks ago, so his contact doesn't bother me. I see it as pathetic. And his motives are obvious. He just needed an ego boost, probably.

 

And, my guy does have mental health issues. He admitted it.

 

Another red flag.

 

Plus, he is a product of a very abusive childhood so I doubt that he knows how to have a "normal" relationship. He had no role model except for an ultra abusive father....

 

Good thing he lives in another state.

 

It would be nettlesome if he were here...

 

 

Hang in there JeanQueen. Keep your dignity.

 

And you don't want someone who doesn't want you.

[Green]

never had a girl do this to me but guys ive been friends with have just gone MIA on me before, u know the falling out of friendship thing.

[lino]

Many men would call me flaky. I go on a few dates with them, return thair calls, texts etc then just decide one day that I'm not that into them and stop answering calls. I don't feel like I owe any explanations at this early stage. Usually though, those were the guys that I weren't all that into to begin with but that dated them to "give them a chance and see what happens".

 

Bottom line is, if someone just dissapears within first few weeks/months of dating, they never really liked you. Even if it seemed to you like they did. People very often see what they want to see.

 

And if you get random texts afterwards, no it doesn't mean that they are interested after all. They are just horny/bored/in need of ego boost.

 

This is a really immature way to behave. Is it really so hard to simply tell someone you're not interested in them?

[Brad_from_NJ]

I just had a woman ask me why I can't pick up the phone and call her? She pointed out that I have not called her in two weeks, she has called me a few times the last two weeks (we've been in a relationship for 8 mos., we're not kids, we're in our mid 40's).

 

I reminded her -- that the last time we had a lengthy chat two weeks ago (meaning more than a 3 minute "how are you" call), she told me that she feels "like I interrogate her every time we speak" and she also feels like she "has to account for her where-abouts all the time with me!"

 

So I asked her, "when someone says stuff like that to YOU, how fast do you pick up the phone to call them back?"

[Freedom Now]

So there are many, many reasons why people sometimes behave "flaky..."

 

Every situation is different.

 

My "flake" just called me again this morning after not talking to me for two weeks.

 

We had a very pleasant conversation.

 

No pressure on either end....just two people talking like friends...

 

It felt nice.

 

[JeanQueen]

So there are many, many reasons why people sometimes behave "flaky..."

 

Every situation is different.

 

My "flake" just called me again this morning after not talking to me for two weeks.

 

We had a very pleasant conversation.

 

No pressure on either end....just two people talking like friends...

 

It felt nice.

 

 

 

Well, I guess if it's OK with you to not talk very often then it works.

 

Were you guys seeing each other more often before he started flaking out though?

 

It would be one thing if he had always just called me sporadically every week or so, but we we're talking and seeing each other several times a week for over 2 months. If he needed some space it would have been nice to be told.

 

I'm not going to cry over this, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to. The really cruddy part about it is he was the first guy after my huge, sad break up last summer that I really felt a connection with. Now it just makes me feel sad and upset all over again.

 

Also, he wasn't just using me for sex, because that has yet to happen (though there was a lot of other mutual action). He has warts, so I was getting the gaurdasil vaccine and it takes a few months to be effective. He was OK with this and he was the one who begged me to give him a chance when he told me about it. So, I did...and now this

 

Well, I think I'll call him in a few hours. If he doesn't answer then I think I'll just put this thing to bed. It's so frustrating though. It makes me lose some faith in men...I though he was different

[Freedom Now]

Our situation was a long distance relationship.

 

We only saw each other once in person.

 

But, we talked for two solid months ALL THE TIME before we met. After that, he got flaky....

 

He called less frequently, seem detached and preoccupied, was irritable, inconsistent....

 

So, I just walked away and let things be....and sure, I was disappointed and hurt. There was a real connection. He told me adored me and wished that we were closer together and that the long distance thing was frustrating to him...

 

But I could see the writing on the wall. He was distancing. So I let him go without a fight.

 

That was over two weeks ago.

 

I honestly don't know what is in his head, but I know what is in mine:

 

I want consistency and romance.

 

So, for me, friendship is just fine.

 

I will save my heart for someone who WANTS it.

 

Have faith. There is someone who wants you and will let you know it all the time....

 

I know how you feel. I thought this guy was perhaps "The One..."

 

It sucks, but it is better to find out now before you waste anymore of your precious time...

 

I feel for you.

 

FN

 

And as a hint on how I distanced emotionally: I just realized that any man who sees me as disposable isn't worthy of me. I know that I deserve to be treated fabulously well (and I have been with other men!), so I saw it and still see it as his loss. And it's true for you too.

 

[JeanQueen]

Ugh. I just called him and left a voicemail (of course).

 

Kept it pretty light. I just said "I hope everythings OK. Give me a call if you wana talk".

 

So, I guess that ends it on my part. If he want to call he can.

 

God, I feel really sh**ty now

[Freedom Now]

If he doesn't have the decency to call you, then he isn't worth your energy.

 

His character is such that he is beneath you. Common courtesy would be in order, IMHO, for him to return the call.

 

If you don't hear from him, look at his integrity and character.

 

Not very stellar, are they?

 

He's not worth crying over.

[JeanQueen]

Thanks Freedom Now. You've been really nice and helpful.

 

I hate starting all over. I really thought it was going to lead to something more with him.

 

Time to drag myself out of bed and go out and have some fun tonight

[Freedom Now]

Remember: he isn't worth it.

 

If he doesn't have the decency to call you, see him as someone who is beneath you.

 

He is.

 

His behavior is just rude. And you deserve better.

[JeanQueen]

Why do I do this to myself?

 

While a little buzzed tonight I just drove past the bar that he goes to almost every Suday night just to see if he was there. He wasn't. So I, being the stalker that I am, drove past his house (it's only a few blockes form the bar) to see if he was there. Well, his car was in the driveway and his bedroom light was on. What the hell? I just wish I knew what he was thinking and what I did to turn him off after 4 months of near perfect times together

 

I wish I hadn't done this. Now it just puts more questions in my mind.

[NallePuh]

First of all, I'm not surprised you would drive around searching for him. If someone just disappears, of course you have a strong need to find out what happened to them. And now you know. He is at home, and doesn't contact you although he could.

 

Now, it really seems he doesn't have a strong interest in keeping contact with you. The sooner you start getting over him, the better. I had a flake and I got really hurt, that's why I advise to forget him, as much as you feel like maybe you should still wait. Even if he came back, you don't deserve to be treated the way he has been treating you.

 

The best of luck!