funkybassplayer Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 To all those out there. if your ex has found someone new you have to walk away and leave them to it. (even if they havent found a new person) Dont be friends, no such thing, If they move strait to another relationship after you, dont even wonder why or how they can, dont worry about what they thought of you, dont worry about things that were left unsaid. Move on, and go into no contact right away. Deleat everything, If you have thier stuff get rid of it asap, dont wait for them to contact you. This action sounds hard, but belive me you can do it. I had to do this not only from her, but her 3 kids that i bonded to in this situation. If i can do it anyone can. What this does for you? Wel it will give you huge self respect, it will help you heal, you will have your dignity in place, and you will see them for who they really are. You will go through a few weeks of hell, but you will come out the other side stronger and wiser, and you will have your self repect (hugly important). Dont give your ex the satisfaction that you will always be on the back burner, you dont wanna be, crap place to be, and you should not be. show them your strenth, show them your pride, show them that you are a class act to follow. WALK AWAY AND LEAVE THEM BE Link to post Share on other sites
smwhtshy Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Hey FBP, good post and great if you can do it. Dumpers have to work at NOT getting trapped into investing in the idea that its only a rebound for them. I did that, surfed this site for the word "rebound", and anything I found where they came back, I saved the link, and read it over and over again. All that time and energy wasted on this fantasy that they would be back, as soon as the rebound person dumped them. Ah, the things we do to keep from going crazy, when in reality we are only driving ourselves nuts. I even (embarassed to admit this) added up the time between "gettting dumped" and "rebound ends" in all the posts, averaged it out, and put a little note to myself on my calendar that day (day she returns, sobbing and begging for me back!!)......and of course, lived for that day. God, how silly...but we do it, we want to defeat the rejection, whether we want them back or not. Good advice in your post, if you possibly can fellow LS-ers, pretend they are dead, or moved to another continent, or became a nun, or SOMETHING taht will allow your mind to let go of hope, and start taking care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 I think rejection can be turned around to pride and self respect by knowing its really over, and holding your head high. Of course we all try to hold on for a little bit, maybe a month only natural, but you have to know when to just leave them be and walk away. They have another, rebound or not, it really does not matter, and thats why its best to leave these guys alone to get on with thier lives, as we have to with ours. After a while you will wish them well. i did this with my ex, i said if your happy then i am, and said that i love her enough to let her go. The last thing she ever said to me was speak to you soon. Little did she know that that was the last time she will ever hear from me. Link to post Share on other sites
mike5770 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 That could not be put better than that. The more days that go by and I stay away and not try to contact the burnt out flame I feel stronger and more in control. I also feel I am gaining all of the self respect I lost when my disasterous night happened...which I will not go into again as it is covered in all of the previous posts. Most experts say it is nearly impossible for a woman (or man) to be serious about a new relationship right after a long term relationship ends...there must be an unbonding process that takes time from the last relationship even if that person ended it. My love interest broke up with her Fioncee and a week later she shows up to the bar with the "new man" acting like they have been going out together for years and were to be married the next day. It just doesn't compute..I know when I break up with someone I love and am really in to..even a hot supermodel with great personality and compassion could not substitute for the person I loved...that takes time. So I feel rebounders are for the person to not be alone...because there are people out there that can never be alone for any reason whatsoever. I went on Vacation with my family last week and I realized just what a lucky person I am to have all of these people in my life...brothers..sisters...nieces..nephews...moms..dads...and I thought to myself, "I am one of the luckiest guys in the world regardless of the fact I have lovecrush in my life or not.." That is what is important!!! Link to post Share on other sites
London Girl Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Great post FunkyBasePlayer. I suspect my ex is with somone else now and however much it hurts there is nothing I can do but to leave him be. I know for myself that I need to be single for the time being to heal, to reflect and to rebuild my confidence before I get involved with someone else. It's so hard to forget your ex when you were both once so in love and since the break up I think where did it go wrong and start questioning how I could have done things better but if your ex can quickly move on to someone else then I know it's time for me to move on. It's been nearly four months of no contact and the breakup only seems like yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 Wise words, amigo. Link to post Share on other sites
kimba Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 I even (embarassed to admit this) added up the time between "gettting dumped" and "rebound ends" in all the posts, averaged it out, and put a little note to myself on my calendar that day (day she returns, sobbing and begging for me back!!). er, can you tell me exactly what the average came to please??? i just want to make a little note somewhere.................. Link to post Share on other sites
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 er, can you tell me exactly what the average came to please??? i just want to make a little note somewhere.................. That made me smile this mornig! He He Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 What if a whole year goes by? I recently had an ex contact me after a year of NC. He never apologized, just sent a casual email to which I responded to, then we started to email about things that have nothing to do with us, never discussing the break up which was VERY UGLY and for which I was mad at him about. He sent his last email a few days ago, I filed it away and decided not to respond, or at least give it some time so he can be in suspense seeing how he had me instanty as you said on the backburner. I am waiting for him to bring things up and apologize but in the meanitme maybe it's wrong that I"ve been responding to his emails like nothing happened... I'm pretty much over him but I want him but the bastard hasn't apologized yet. How does your theory fit in here? Link to post Share on other sites
number2 Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 great advice guys Link to post Share on other sites
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 but I want him but the bastard hasn't apologized yet. How does your theory fit in here? Well if after a year and you still feel like this, you still cant be freinds, and you could still end up at square one again. If you can be freinds, then tell him the only way you will is if he says sorry, otherwise anything else, tell him not too contact you again, because you dont wanna be on the burner, and you dont wanna risk being back at square 1 and if hes back because things havent worked out, then tell him where to stick it! The first thing he should have done was say sorry, and if it were me and wanted contact with my ex, i would not hav responded to anything less. Link to post Share on other sites
smwhtshy Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 Kimba, the average time came to about 13 weeks, or a little over 3 months. I did throw out one "1 year" response as that would have skewed the numbers to far to the right... Can you tell I haven't quite filled up the free time I've gained since the breakup..?? (haha) Link to post Share on other sites
Slippy72 Posted July 14, 2007 Share Posted July 14, 2007 Great advice FunkyBassPlayer, I knew all those things already but it's just reassuring having someone else assure you you're doing the right thing Link to post Share on other sites
skindeep Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Mike5770-you've made it! Good for you! Changing your focus to something positive, like appreciating those who love you that WANT to be part of your life are the ones who count most. I still have to remind myself when I am feeling weak, but I am definitely feeling lighter and brighter and hopeful again! If I backslide in my confidence, I rebound much more quickly as opposed to staying "stuck" in my feeling of loss. I never would have believed it if you told me (and people did) that 3 months would go by and I would be starting to feel o.k. It is a HUGE relief.....I am happy for you. FBP and other males-I am sorry for what you've suffered. I am glad that you and other men out there are open to sharing your feelings and experiences-it is important that we have the opportunity to see from a different, even fresher perspective, that guys have feelings, too! Thanks for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
skindeep Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 smwhtshy and Kimba-I have had a huge laugh this morning reading the posts between you-thanks for the humor! Good way to start the day! Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Kimba, the average time came to about 13 weeks, or a little over 3 months. I did throw out one "1 year" response as that would have skewed the numbers to far to the right... Can you tell I haven't quite filled up the free time I've gained since the breakup..?? (haha) Makes note in calendar...3 weeks passed already. 10 to go. I might plan to be away on holiday that week... or maybe I have a hair appointment. Link to post Share on other sites
Slippy72 Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 I've never thought of that. Some sort of system of tallying up the days of NC might be helpful for me. Link to post Share on other sites
wflame Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 I think this is good advice but am finding it hard to follow. my Ex and I still need to pay bills for the place we lived that makes it hard to move on. The fact she moved on the week after we moved out is not helping much with it I find it hard to think that after 3 year's she can move on so fast. but try to keep any business we have left just that and when it's done I am going away for a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 You do have to keep buieness just that, and hopefully she will have the decency to do the same in return. I had owed money to my ex, and sent a rather large cheque to her, and emailed her to let her know. It was dated end august. She never replied to let me know she recived it, so i stopped it. It was her duty to keep the buisness side going, and never did, and i ont know if she recived it, and i will not call her as i was told that she will make contact with me (due to new relationship) I will not make any more effort now, and if she wants the money she can ask. no respect deserves the same back. Link to post Share on other sites
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