First time in a LDR - How to cope?

[Phumfeinz]

I've been in Canada for three months, and I got back on the 19th. The reason I went was to meet a girl I've known for nearly 2 years now on the internet.

 

Well, the trip was fantastic. This girl is everything I could ever want, and I just feel... so complete, so content around her.

 

The problem is, I'm back in England, and she's still in Canada. Having to say goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Thinking back on everything we did, how good we were together, how much fun we had... it makes me cry.

 

It still feels like she's in the room next to me, and I can just walk in there and touch her, smell her.

 

But I can't.

 

I feel like I'm in a dream... I keep expecting (and embarrasingly enough, TRYING to) wake up and find her next to me in bed. I was there for three months... it was my life. And now I'm back here, alone. Everything I know and love has been torn away from me. I've never been so sad before.

 

The plan is either A) She is going to come over here on a working holiday visa early next year, or B) I'm going to there on a working holiday visa early next year.

 

Either way, we won't be seeing each other for at least 6 months.

 

This is the first time I've ever been in a LDR. And it's also the first time I've actually been in a proper relationship, so this is really hard.

 

So, to people experienced in LDRs... how do you cope? How do you make it easier to wake up every day, to go about your normal life? How do I make the next 6 months go by easier?

 

Much thanks, all help is greatly appreciated.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Congratulations on the new relationship, Phumfeinz.

 

What you're experiencing is normal after spending a longer time with a new BF / GF. Sort of a withdrawal symptom, and it takes a while for your life to get back on track.

 

But it will. Give it another week or two. You two communicate regularly, I hope. That's the most important part of a long distance relationship. Don't let that falter.

 

The other important thing in a LDR is to keep it all in perspective. While I understand that you miss each other a lot, you also have to go on with your daily life. You can't dwell on the fact that you're apart and let it stop you from enjoying your life where you are.

 

You two live on different continents - so be prepared that it's that much tougher to be in the relationship. I mean, I've seen people shun a relationship because the other person is an hour's drive away.

 

But you can certainly make it, if you both want to. Both is the operative term here.

[knaveman]

See, I'm a little different from This Too Shall Pass, I think if you found something good and have nothing holding you back, go for it. You only live once, make it a good one. Take a few risks in your life and do something irrational. Be happy.

 

I have two friends who moved from the south to Washington (state). The guy moved here first for another girl, they broke up and then several years later he met a girl from college in Alabama and she moved up here for him. They're not married yet but they are happy and have a great relationship. I admire them both for what they did and would like to think I would do the same.

 

Especially if you're young. You have time to make mistakes and learn from them. IMHO.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

See, I'm a little different from This Too Shall Pass, I think if you found something good and have nothing holding you back, go for it. You only live once, make it a good one. Take a few risks in your life and do something irrational. Be happy.

 

I have two friends who moved from the south to Washington (state). The guy moved here first for another girl, they broke up and then several years later he met a girl from college in Alabama and she moved up here for him. They're not married yet but they are happy and have a great relationship. I admire them both for what they did and would like to think I would do the same.

 

Especially if you're young. You have time to make mistakes and learn from them. IMHO.

 

Knaveman, you're a bit off the mark, there. The OP is not asking whether he should go for a LDR. He's asking how to deal with the long periods of being alone.

 

I would also encourage them to take the step to be together, once they feel confident enough about the relationship.

[dead.girls.dont.cry]

LDR's are tough.

just make sure that you can talk to her regularly.

maybe it would be cool if you got a webcam so that she can see u and she could get one also so u can see her.

(if you dont have a phone plan that allows you to call her without getting charged big time with bills, just get a mic and hook it up to your computer)

i usualy send like..hand written letters, drawings, mix cds...like little things to remind you of her and that she loves you.

 

hope that helps ya.

[Phumfeinz]

So apparently I got this whole thing wrong...

 

I was talking to her on msn last night, mentioned my plan about going over there on a working holiday visa beginning of next year, in case she couldn't come here on a working holiday visa, and well, have a look for yourselfs.

 

(She's in italics, me bold)

 

 

 

i dunno..:S

 

all this talk of coming over at christmas, or for a year to work, or or or.. it's making me antsy, making me fidget. i don't want it to be this forced

 

it's not forced... it's just a means of seeing you again

 

i know, but you just got back.

 

I wouldn't even be coming over to Canada till at least february

 

that's still really soon! i need my life for a bit. So all this talk of .. i don't know.

 

my main worry is that during that time, you'll meet someone, and not bother with me anymore

 

and if i do.. life goes on. i cried when you left, <my name>, but when i got back to the car i was ok. i love you to pieces, but you need to be happy on your own. i might just come over on a visitors visa

a visitor visa? how come?

 

because a year, two years, is a long time to be with someone when you hardly know them.

 

i just.. i wanted to tell you, but i wasn't sure how, that i went on a date. It felt good.. i didn't feel boxed in. i needed it. And i'm sorry.. i wanted to be honest with you because i love you.

 

Being free to do whatever without worrying about someone else.. felt really good.

 

anyways, I needa go.

 

And to tell you.. he wants to go out again.. so i think i will.

 

 

 

There's a lot more than that, but some of it was quite personal, and other parts didn't really have much to do with it.

 

It's just... weird. She's talking as if we never met, as if the past 3 months we lived together didn't even happen. It really confuses me. She was telling me how much she wanted to come over, how she'll try to get here at christmas, and now I'm back here she's saying she doesn't want to meet again for at least a year.

 

What really hurt was when she said 'a year, two, is a long time to be with someone when you hardly know them'. We talked for a whole year before I went over, and we lived together for 3 months! You get to know someone pretty darned well when you live with them for that amount of time. I feel like a stranger to her. Just the next random guy on the internet.

 

And then she tells me she went on a date with someone. I hadn't even been gone a week and she was dating. And to make me feel even better, she told me it went well and they're going to go on another one.

 

She just seems like a completely different person now. I feel like I was something to toy with, to have fun with. And now I'm gone, she doesn't care anymore. She even said if she does meet someone, life goes on. Yet she is still adamant about us meeting again.

 

Sigh

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Oh cr*p. This was sudden, eh, Phumfeinz.

 

Unfortunately, this seems to be yet another "out of sight, out of mind" occurance. It's been just one week since you left, and she already went out on a date.

 

It is better that she told you - you could've not known, ever. But don't buy the bull that she "still loves you".

 

If she indeed said all the things you just wrote, I'd say forget about her. She is really not worth it, and sounds completely immature - and mean - in the way she's broken the news to you.

 

This isn't going to work. Cut your losses and move on.

[Phumfeinz]

It's just... so weird.

 

We got along famously when we were together. I mean... really, really goddamn well.

 

I wish so badly that I could forget about her, but she is my first love. My first proper relationship.

 

This hurts

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

It's just... so weird.

 

We got along famously when we were together. I mean... really, really goddamn well.

 

I wish so badly that I could forget about her, but she is my first love. My first proper relationship.

 

This hurts

 

I'm sorry about this. I can imagine how rotten you'd be feeling.

 

Now for the advice that's been repeated endlessly on LS:

 

The bad news is that you'll have to go through the entire breakup cycle - it's not a pleasant state to be in.

 

The good news is that you WILL get over it.

 

Your goal is to:

 

A) Lessen the contact with her, and eventually reach the point where you have no contact with her at all. This is really important.

 

B) Keep yourself busy and meet other people. I know you're hurting, but the best antidote is to meet somebody new.

 

Good luck, and hang in there.

[Phumfeinz]

I think it would be a lot easier if it was clear-cut that she wanted to break up with me. You know, if she actually said 'I don't want to see you again.' But the thing is she says that we will meet again, that she will come over to see me. She still tells me she loves me.

 

I've not spoken to her at all today, which would be the first time since... well... we met on April 11th.

 

Wow, that's pretty amazing, come to think of it.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Like I said, don't buy the "I still love you". Ask yourself if it still makes sense to you - I bet it doesn't.

 

It's kaput. Over. Done. And it's for your own good - you don't deserve all this nonsense.

 

You'll be fine, just stay strong.

[Lyssa]

Hi Phumfeinz,

 

I agree with This Too Shall Pass!! She is not worth your time anymore. How she could have gone on another date, really gets to me! The part where she said, when she got back to her car and she was okay was way bit too much for me. If you spent 3 months (which is pretty long for me!) with someone and claims you love him then how can it be okay after you went off on a plane?? I think that clearly says something is wrong with that girl!

 

You deserve someone else! It's not worth buying the cam now, sweetie. Forget her. I bet you, she will come after you after she gets bored of the other guy. Again that will only say that she's not really in for a commitment/relationship.

[dead.girls.dont.cry]

i kinda know how u feel.

this is somewhat like what im going through.

dont worry, give yourself time.

and if she doesnt want u...then thats her friggin problem.

find someone better.

its really gonna suck....but life does go on. and eventualy you will recover.

[Phumfeinz]

We finished today. Or rather, she finished with me. She has a new boyfriend. I haven't been gone two weeks and she has a new boyfriend. It's like he was lined up or something. His name is Aaron, I've never heard of him before. Where did he come from?

 

She said, in a nutshell:

 

all i wanted to say is that i don't know how long it will take you to get to the point where i need you to be, to be in a relationship with you. Aaron is at that point. And while i love you and i really DO hurt deciding this.. This is what i need. You probably won't see the reasoning, and i'm not trying to hurt you. It never was, and it will never be my intention. This is just the way things go.

 

i never meant to hurt you. But this is how i feel, and this is how my life has gone. i'm not a bad person, Jake. i'm really not. i just knew, even when you were leaving, that you're not my "forever" person. i knew it for a while, even though i didn't really admit it

 

Maybe one day we'll meet and be friends, but we're not supposed to be more.

 

 

 

 

Strangely enough I haven't cried, and I don't feel completely heartbroken over it. Sure I'm gutted. She was my first love, and I really expected us to be together forever. It hurts like hell when I think of our time together. Just simple things, like watching TV together, doing the shopping. And when I see photos of her I nearly break down.

 

But... me and a friend are planning to go to Australia next year, so I at least have something to aim for. To look forward to.

[BlueEyedSarah]

It's just... so weird.

 

We got along famously when we were together. I mean... really, really goddamn well.

 

I wish so badly that I could forget about her, but she is my first love. My first proper relationship.

 

This hurts

I know how you feel. I have been talking to a guy on the internet for 3 years, have stayed with him for 6 months (soon to go home to England on 11th August) and it has not worked out with us. We are both two very diffrent people in very diffrent worlds. Just stick friends with the girl, its good to have a cheap place to stay for vacations if you ever decide to go to Canada again for holiday . You will get over her in time, just take it easy, go out and do other things, don't dwell on her so much.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Oh, so you got the word from her. Well, it's just as well. Dragging it on wouldn't have served any purpose.

 

It seems like you're handling it well, Phumfeinz. Good. Hope you feel better and better. The trip to Australia is probably just what you need, too.

[Phumfeinz]

Yeah, but she still seems intent on stringing me along:

 

i did, do, want to come see you again. But i had a feeling it wasn't going to be in a romantic way. i do love you. But i know you're not someone i'm meant to stay with.

 

 

Why? Why would she still want to meet me again if it's not on romantic grounds? If we do meet again, it's not going to be strictly friendship. We have a bit of history, there's no way we could remain as friends.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

These sorts of dialogues (what your ex is saying) make me want to knock my head against the wall. Because they don't make any sense.

 

Seriously, do yourself a favor and cut off contact with her. Don't waste your time and hers.

[Phumfeinz]

She's made little sense since I've been with her.

 

I know this is for the best, because she's done so many things that are just plain out of order. Like saying she didn't want to meet for a year because she wanted to enjoy being on her own again, then getting a boyfriend a week later.

 

There's so much more, and I know I'll be better off without her.

 

But there's that small part of me that loves her madly and wants more than anything to be back with her again. And when she says things like 'I do want to see you again' it just messes me up even more.

 

You're right about the no contact thing. I'm going to try my best to not talk to her.

[Replicant]

She's made little sense since I've been with her.

 

I know this is for the best, because she's done so many things that are just plain out of order. Like saying she didn't want to meet for a year because she wanted to enjoy being on her own again, then getting a boyfriend a week later.

 

There's so much more, and I know I'll be better off without her.

 

But there's that small part of me that loves her madly and wants more than anything to be back with her again. And when she says things like 'I do want to see you again' it just messes me up even more.

 

You're right about the no contact thing. I'm going to try my best to not talk to her.

 

Her game is like switching tracks without derailing the train she is still on for the ride. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. No different than someone having a backup or plan B in effect only you are at a greater distance in this case. To obviously be there in presence to provide the aspects of what she liked about you when and if she needs it and her current boyfriend can not provide that. Regardless of whom she was in the past, this is who she is now.

 

Relationships 10 minutes away from each other, or 1 hour away even break up over the same reasons mind you so you can see that parallel, only it seems as much more time is seemingly invested into LDR's so like in your case or others i've read got completely blindsided. Showing it's harder to have seen it coming. I suppose you can look at it in the sense it happened sooner rather than later where much...much more time and money gets invested into such relationships.

 

Why waste more time on such selfishness, drop her like a bad habit.

[Andrea1234]

these kind of relatioships are very hard, but you can make it work if you think something great can come out of it, my bf lives in the same state as me, and its hard because we want to be together more then anything,