Seperated month and a half and pissed!

[jesslindy]

Hello All,

 

Let me start by saying that I have read alot of posts on here and there are alot of good things being said and it feels good to see there are other men out there that have the same thing happening to them. Even though I am not stupid enough to think I was the only one it still feels good to read it.

My wife left our house almost 7 weeks ago after a measly 14 months and it doesn't seem like anything can be done about it. She left because she was angry with me for trying to make a stand for our marraige. We had been fighting for several weeks about how we would get our marraige back on track. I had said repeatedly we just need to try at the same time, and make a stand together to make it better. I love my wife to no end and she says she loves me as well. We have a wonderful baby boy that is 20 months old. He means the world to me.

All my wife has ever really said to me is she doesn't think she can be emotional with me. Granted I havent always been there, but she has pushed me away and blamed me for not being there just as much as I haven't listened. I have always admitted what I have done wrong and I truly want to make it better. I don't think she has that capability. After my wife left I have been emotionally destroyed and it has made her go away even further. In some sick way seeing me hurt and show anger over this seperation has made her run away instead of trying to be there for me. I have since come to the realization that I have to do anything I can to check my emotions and try to make it better a different way. Maybe just trying to have fun with her would soften her up for a little real progress. Any thoughts?

I just can't understand how my wife can completely check out and use all of her problems against me. The stakes are too high. Child, money, house, marraige, love.

We have been to marraige counseling for about 5 weeks now, and she is now saying it is done. We never got the counseling off of the ground. She has little by little started shutting down during the entire process. She has now completely shut down and is starting to act cold. It is not her. I feel like she has no support system and all she wants is to be happy but isn't willing to go through the pain it will take to really work through the issues so we can get there. She has no relationship with her parents, and always blames them for her problems. While my mother loves her very much and is so upset because she has shut down with my Mother as well. I have no idea what to do. I know she loves me and I certainly know I love her. She is my world and I desperatly want to have her back.

I am willing to do anything to make this right and all she can do is speak in generalities and quite frankly none of it makes a whole lot of sense to all of our onlookers.

 

Signed,

 

Super confused.

[Gunny376]

There's a key on your keyboard that reads, "Enter" it would make reading your thread earier if you would use it between paragraphs.

 

With that said? Leave her alone! Don't call her, send flowers, write her, zilch, nothing, nadda. She's mad, and everything you say and do can and will be used against you. She's stressed out about life, ~ and she's focusing everything that's wrong in and with her life on you!

 

Doesn't matter what, someone spills coffee on her at MickeyD's ~ you're to blame. It rains on her parade ~ your to blame! She's incapable of taking responsiblity for her problems and life ~ so she's projecting them on you!

 

Personally? IMHO? I think this is the way she is, and will always be. Even if you manage to get back together with her, you'll always be the source and cause of any and all trouble. You'll always be in the wrong. Everything you say or don't say will be wrong. Everything you do or don't do will be wrong. Everything that goes wrong in her life will be because of you. I was discussing this with a friend of mine today at work, who's been married for 32 years, and his wife is the same way. He told me: "I'm p****-whipped, but now I so seldom get sex ~ I'm just whipped!

 

Is that really the life that you want ~ with someone that can't be pacified, satisfied, happy? You're not responsbile for her happiness ~ she is. You're not to blame nor responsible for all her problems, just your martial ones and the ones that you helped created with her.

 

So your not the most emotional man around? Guess what? You're a man! Its not your fault that she can't understand that men and women are different. Its her responsibility to learn that.

 

So now she's left, handing you your azz as she walks out, and you become emotional over it. And, now she hates it because you're suddenly in touch with your emotions? Before you weren't emotional enough, but now your a wimp because your emotional.

 

Don't you see this for what it is? Can't you see this for what it is? Its manipulative and controlling ~ just the female version of it? Being manipulative and controlling isn't a man thing ~ nor is a woman thing ~ its a human thing. Its freaking insecurity ~ the problem isn't you, the problem is her!

 

Of course she's going to bail on MC, it just feeds her insecurties about herself. This isn't about you, nor your marriage my friend ~ this is about her running from herself! She's not running from you, and she's not running from her marriage, ~ she's running from herself ~ something that one just can't do.

 

She's a drowning woman ~ and she's trying to drag you down with her in her depression, her anxieties, her in-securties. She's got "Mommy and Daddy" issues. She's got self esteem issues. She's trying to make you feel like crap about yourself because she feels like crap about herself! Misery loves company, Bro!

 

The best thing you can do is cut your loses and move on! Its not about what you've got to offer her, but what she's got to offer you!

 

Its a fool's errand to run after someone begging them to let you love them!

 

In effect? You chase after this gal what you're saying is:

 

"Please, please, please let me love you! Please let me hang on a "lover's cross" for you! Please let me be your whipping boy for all your problems, sorrows, and misfortunes in life! I will suffer un-bearable shame, humilation, disrespect, just to prove my love for you!"

 

FORGET THAT!

 

How about:

 

I deserve someone that loves me for me?

 

I deserve someone that cares about me?

 

I deserve someone that gives a damn about me?

 

I deserve someone that puts me first front and center, and who I do the same for, and who actually gives a damn about me?

 

I deserve someone who respects me?

 

I deserve someone that is honest with me?

 

I deserve someone that is "straight up" with me?

 

I deserve someone that calls me on my BS because they "love" me and respects themselves, me and most importantly us!

 

I deserve someone that rides with Mr Reality, and keeps it "Real"

 

I deserve someone that can and will tell me to f*** off when I'm wrong but still love me!

 

And on, and on and on!

[jesslindy]

Well, thanks for the insight Gunny. I read almost every post on here in the last couple of days, and this "man-up" theory, seems to work more often than not. And even if it doesn't, it will still make dealing with my issues alot easier and it sounds like it is the best shot at fixing anything.

 

The huge thing that I did learn from your reply Gunny is, that no matter what happens, get back together not get back together, if we do get back together I cannot fall into her acting the same way. She really needs help with her issues, as do we all, but if she doesnt really try, I dont want to be with her anyway. Not in the long run. That was a huge thing to learn. Hard, but huge.

 

I have started the "man-up" theory yesterday. I told my wife that I will always be there to listen, to take her out, that I am here to love her. I also told her that I understand why she left and I dont want her to feel bad about breaking up our family. She knows I love her, she knows I am there. Thats all I can do. I have got nothing to lose. If she truly loves me she will see this new kinder softer but strong man, and she will have no choice herself.

 

Someone tell me if I sound like a complete jackass. Dont get me wrong, this is still very hard. Hardest thing ever, but this seems like the way to go. At least I hope so.

[Ladyjane14]

I have started the "man-up" theory yesterday. I told my wife that I will always be there to listen, to take her out, that I am here to love her. I also told her that I understand why she left and I dont want her to feel bad about breaking up our family. She knows I love her, she knows I am there. Thats all I can do. I have got nothing to lose. If she truly loves me she will see this new kinder softer but strong man, and she will have no choice herself.

 

Someone tell me if I sound like a complete jackass. Dont get me wrong, this is still very hard. Hardest thing ever, but this seems like the way to go. At least I hope so.

 

No... you don't sound like a "jackass", BUT... (you knew that "but" was coming, didn't ya? ).... you do sound a little, teensy, bit like a doormat. All that "always be there to take her out", and "here to love her"... those are things you do for a WIFE. You don't do those things for a wayward wife.

And that whole "don't want her to feel bad about breaking up the family" thing... Hell dude, she NEEDS to feel bad about that. She's not even trying.

 

Two things...

 

First, print off Gunny's post to you above and put it in your wallet. When you're feeling bad, drag it out and read it.

 

Second, here's Michelle Weiner Davis' list of 180's from Divorce Busting:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

People sometimes don't appreciate what they have until it's gone. 180's will keep her wondering about you. They'll make you INTERESTING. And... they'll put your feet on the path to healing, just in case things don't work out.

 

It sounds to me like she's already made up her mind. Unfortunately, if that's the case, there's NOTHING you can do that will change it. Your best bet is to do your own thing, stand back, and see if she changes it for herself.

[jesslindy]

I am going to dinner with my wife tonight and I am not really sure why she agreed to do it. She has seemed to respond a little to a couple of sweet things (nothing big) I did for her before I made my first post and got all the "leave her alone advice".

 

Now I am confused because that seemed to work a little bit, but I also know I have no idea what this dinner could be like on her end.

 

Is it possible to do a combination of both?

 

One of my employees at work suggested I just try to remind her of why she fell in love with me. Be the strong, funny, crazy, sweet person she once new. She also said my story is exactly what she and her husband went through and the only reason they are together today is because he was persistent in showing her those things.

 

Dont get me wrong, I really think this whole "man-up" thing is a much better solution, but if I am getting results with some sweet things, is that ok too?

 

I am going to my counsler by myself with all of the appointments I have scheduled as of now, and I will not stop going. I'd like to understand why I can be distant. I'd like to understand why I can get angry at some of the smallest things. I want to be a better man, but a huge part of me wants to be a better man for my wife as well. But I now realioz ethat if she doesnt beleive me and doesnt care than there is nothing I can do about it.

 

My wife has been sending me mixed messages during this whole process and this dinner thing is one of them. Thats the frustrating part.

 

With all that being said, I am a strong willed person and I can have as much confidence as I need at any time. I just wish I got on here a couple of weeks ago and started this stuff earlier. I would have done less damage towards my wife with all of my pity and pain and suffering. I felt more horrible than I ever have in my life about anything. This just sucks. But I'm Ready.

 

Please let me know any thoughts you may have.

 

Thank you very much to those who have read and posted. It helps alot to read these things.

[Ladyjane14]

If your wife left you because of problems stemming from YOU... then 'yes', clean yourself up and show her the guy she married.

 

If she left you because of problems stemming from HER... she's going to have to work them out before she can be an acceptable partner to you anyway, so you "move on" until and unless she gets the job done.

 

Bottom line... you need to figure out which one of you has the major malfunction. And that's the person needs to kiss some butt and work out their issues until they're in good standing again.

[Gunny376]

Manning up isn't being a macho azzhat. Its being able to take whatever life throws at you, its getting knocked down, and getting up again over and over. No self pity, no begging, whinning, crying, feeling sorry for yourself. Its looking at the wife as she's walking out the door, and saying well if that's your choice I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it, and then doing it and getting busy living your life.

 

What I sense here is that you need a sense of balance in your life. Yea, you've got to have a balance and what it took to get her is what it takes to keep her. You've got to date your mate. You've got to consistently be fun ~ if your not fun and having fun ~ at least some of the time a woman's just about going to leave your azz everytime ~ eventually.

 

Its like the song ~ "Girls just want to have fun" All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I don't have the time right now, and I'm going to go back a re-fresh myself on your original post, but what's happen is that slowly over time you and the misses have prioritized everything else in life but you and her and your relationship, and now you've entered into a martial comma.

 

I'm not saying the marriage is dead, but your definately in a martial comma, rather it can revised or not remains to be seen. For right now? Both of you need to leave each other the Hell alone and get some IC and get your heads together, maybe once you've done that perhaps some MC, figure when and where this thing jumped the track. Keep posting, and do some reading. LJ, I and others can offer you some most excellent titles. Right now you need to be working on you.

 

That's something your going to have to do anyway. Especially if this thing goes to diivorce. If you don't your azz is going to be sitting down at the old folks home talking about your first, second, third, and fourth X-wives.

 

What you and the wife should be doing is pulling back and re-grouping. And like I said leave her alone. The more you pursue her the faster she's going to run. You've got to give her the gift of missing you. If she chooses to move on ~ so be it!

 

NEXT!!!!!! There's no shortage of women ~ that is once you've got your head together.

 

Another thing, quit being so hard on yourself? What did you know about being married? What college level classes did you take before you got married? What training did you have? What pre-martial couseling did you have? What books did you read?

 

OJT in marriage like combat is one hell of a lousy way to learn my friend. There's "news your ass could use" before going into the fray.

 

Learn damit, and the single thing you need to learn is about yourself, who you are, what your about.

 

The wife's got issues she needs to be working on ~ like Life just isn't fair, and things happen, and you're not the source of all her problems and misery in life. In for a penny ~ in for a pound, if she's not in it 110% ~ dump her, and go find yourself someone who is.

 

Where did you get it in your head that she's the best that you can do, all you get, and all that you deserve? And don't talk to me about love! What's love got to do with it? There's lots of folks that's getting beat up and killed because of love. Used and abused ~ just as many men as there are women. Before you can expect someone to respect you, you've got respect yourself!

 

Confidence? You need to work on that ~ because its in the toliet. Re-read your post, this little gals leading you around like a bull with a ring in his nose. Someone wants to leave me, I'm going to be like Jmargel ~ "You want to leave? OK, but understand? There's no coming back ~ ever!" Life's too short to be playing these games ~ either your ass is in or your ass is out, either way? I'm moving on!

 

Who died and made her God, and in charge of your life anyway? When a woman leaves you, all it means is you've got to get off your dead azz and go find you a new one, or two or three (or twenty)

 

 

Damn tha' bad luck!!!

[jesslindy]

Well, my wife and I went to dinner and had some drinks on Saturday night for about 3 hours. It went as well as it could of I guess. I didnt bring up any "hot topics", and she started to talk to me a little bit. She softened up a little bit and started to laugh. She has always told me I was funny. I didnt tell her I love her, I was confident and funny. She seemed uncomfortable for a bit, but thats to be expected I guess. I didn't talk about our marraige at all, and she started to ask me about the counseling and said she didn't think she was going to go. I said that was fine but I was still going to go.

 

I bought the book Divorce Busting that Lady Jane had talked about. I read it over the weekend. Pretty good book. It made alot of sense. I think I am going to see if there are any counselers that practice her methods if my wife decides to go back. My current counseler might be ok for IC but she really could have done a better job with the two of us in hindsight. It just seems like the counseler could have smacked me around a little bit and told me to stop losing it. She just kind of let us sit there and bicker and didn't give us any concrete plans.

 

The funny thing about all this is my wife doesnt want to be divorced. Thats a fact. Shes told my Mom. Shes told me even. Yet she cant do her part to get this working. I am not trying to make her sound bad, but right now she is very frustrating. Shes the kind of person, just like I am that would respond to the Divorce Busting book. I think I might just leave it out on the table, and she will see it tomorrow. Maybe she will read it. On saturday when she came by the house before we left she was trying to see what it was on the table, but I had it upside down and the binding away so she couldnt tell. Stupid game I know, but I wanted to see if she had some interest or if she was going to ask me about them.

 

Thanks for listening, and all of the advice.

[Ladyjane14]

Don't give your tools aways to your wife, JL. 180's won't work if she thinks you're playing games, and often enough that's exactly what a wayward will think.

 

Instead, maybe you could share with her Dr. Harley's concepts from the marriagebuilders web site. Print off the article on "Why Women Leave Men", so she knows you understand what she's looking for. Read up the Basic Concepts section with particular attention to Love Busters, or read a copy of the book. It's the same name.

 

Harley offers some pretty good tools, and unless you're dealing with an infidelity situation, there's no reason not to share the wealth. That said, I wouldn't share the "Plan A / Plan B" information with a cheating spouse. If she was cheating, you'd be giving away your game plan.

[Gunny376]

Don't make the mistake of confusing that which your wife has issues with, her problems with yours. Don't worry about her problems and issues that she has.

 

She got to work on those ~ and you've got to work on yours. Regardless of wheather you get back together. To come out of this bigger, better and stronger equiped a new skill set in dealing inter-personal relationship, be that with your wife.

 

Marriagebuilders, and DivorceBusting is but the first step. You should committ yourself to adding additional "tools" and honing them to a razors edge. Committ yourself to reading a minimum of one book every six months about relationship, communication, marriage.

 

Marriage~relationships (not just romantic - intimate ones) require tender care and nuturing.

 

The phrase "The more you learn the more you earn" doesn't just apply to earning a living.

 

In the future you absolutely must priortize your S/O, the majority of your time ~ that is to say that the majority of your time, effort, and energy goes toward priortizing your spouse ~ before your friends, your job, your career, your hobbies. Fail to do so? And it will go to Hell in a handbasket, quick, fast, and in a hurry like. That's not to say you can't your own personal outside intersts ~ notice I said the majority of the time. Once they become secure in the knowledge that they're your number #1 priority they will require less and less validation and reassurance.

[jesslindy]

Well, I haven't really spoken to my wife except for a few brief phone conversations.(She Called me). I have a horrible feeling today that this is over. I am going to continue to stay positive, and do all I can. I went to therapy today without my wife. It felt ok. We just talked about what I should do if this does go forward to divorce, and I told her all of the stuff I was reading and she said to keep it up and that's what I should be doing. I am going to go back, but I am starting to think there is not a whole lot that this lady can tell me. I'm not that impressed with her.

 

I am so tired of feeling this way. This whole thing to me just feels so ridiculous. I have been married for 14 months and we had some really basic marital issues and now this is it. Pretty stupid sounding huh?

I used to think I was so lucky for meeting my wife, now I feel unlucky because I decided to marry a girl that cant make it past 14 months. I am so angry. More angry than I have ever been in my life. With all of the resources out there to try and save a marraige, and my wife cant figure even a litlle bit of it out. Fu***ing Ridiculous.

[notspiritual]

feel unlucky because I decided to marry a girl that cant make it past 14 months.

 

My wife did not make it past 10 months. Even more ridiculous. I know how you feel.

[sumdude]

My wife did not make it past 10 months. Even more ridiculous. I know how you feel.

 

Mine made it a whole 21 months Woo Hoo We were together a total of 7 1/2 years, married the last 21 months. Ruined a perfectly good relationship with a wedding.... or so it seems

[jesslindy]

Well my wife and I have talked a few times in the last week. She has called me a few times. I have been doing alot of 180's and we have gotten along pretty well. We haven't really talked about anything important.

 

She went out with some of our mutual friends the other night. They didn't talk about anything that has to do with our seperation.

 

I am closely coming to the realization that my wife is not going to change. I dont think she has any interest in gooing back to IC. She said she was going to but hasnt made an apppointment that I know of. I think she has been telling her friends that I don't know that I filed for divorce. Why would she do that?? That one doesnt make any sense to me. She is probably just trying to make herself feel better about the situation. So sad.

 

My son is sitting next to me right now, and all I can think about is how sorry I am for him. He doesnt deserve this. It all seems so tragic. A father who loves him, a mother who loves him, and his parents love each other(suppossedly), and this cant work.

 

She admits her problems, Ill give her that, but is making no choice to change or get help to understand. I cant beleive she is going to throw away her marraige and family because she is upset with herself. There should be a law against this. A judge should grant her nothing and tell her to go get her head right for the sake of every poor sap that gets involved in the roller coaster called my STBXW.

 

I am sick. I am physically sick. I hate this. It sucks. I need some sleep. I am like a walking zombie during the day. Oh well, gotta go to work. Thanks for listening.

[jesslindy]

Well, my wife and I have gotten long really well lately. Nothing really important has happened, but we are getting along great none the less. She hugged me after lunch and told me she missed me. She squeezed my arm lovingly as she said good bye the other day. I haven't gotten excited about either, I think it's important not to get too excited about anything like that. She also told me she was going to make an appointment with the counseler for herself. FINALLY!!

 

I have been going to my counseler as well and reading alot of books. I started exercising more, mainly so I could maybe get some sleep. I signed up to get my skydiving license, something I have always wanted to do. I am trying to find a buddy to go to Vegas with me soon. Been there way too many times but its always fun.

 

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has taken the time to type me a couple of lines. It has really helped to get book ideas and personal experiences. It seems to be helping this along a great deal. Thanks alot.

[Gunny376]

Well, my wife and I have gotten long really well lately. Nothing really important has happened, but we are getting along great none the less. She hugged me after lunch and told me she missed me. She squeezed my arm lovingly as she said good bye the other day. I haven't gotten excited about either, I think it's important not to get too excited about anything like that. She also told me she was going to make an appointment with the counseler for herself. FINALLY!!

 

I have been going to my counseler as well and reading alot of books. I started exercising more, mainly so I could maybe get some sleep. I signed up to get my skydiving license, something I have always wanted to do. I am trying to find a buddy to go to Vegas with me soon. Been there way too many times but its always fun.

 

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has taken the time to type me a couple of lines. It has really helped to get book ideas and personal experiences. It seems to be helping this along a great deal. Thanks alot.

 

(Said in my best L.A ~ Lower Alabama Accent!)

 

Ya'll know what ya'll call that thar? That thars' what ya'll call "Manning-up" That thar's what you call "sucking it up!" That thar's what ya'll call hacking it!

 

Being prepared for the worse, hoping for the best!

 

Identifying your weaknesses, and seeking self improvement!

 

Moving on with your life!

 

Working on you just to find and make a better you!

 

You ROCK Jess! Your 5X5 and 6X6! Live life large! Live life well! Live life too its top! Life's too freaking short! Lakesidreams knows what I'm talking about!

 

Get busy living ~ or get busy dying!

[Ladyjane14]

 

I have been going to my counseler as well and reading alot of books. I started exercising more, mainly so I could maybe get some sleep. I signed up to get my skydiving license, something I have always wanted to do. I am trying to find a buddy to go to Vegas with me soon. Been there way too many times but its always fun.

 

Great news, JL.

Isn't it amazing how the same tools which make you more attractive and interesting to your wayward mate... can also take you down the path to self-healing.

:bunny:

[jesslindy]

Well my wife came over last night because we had some friends in town, and she acted really "tired". Probably because she really didn't want to be there. I don't know why she even came over. It was a joke. I stayed straight positive the entire time and acted like I was happy to have her there but she made it completely impossible for anyone to have a good time.

 

So this morning she called me complaining about money, and I stayed very calm and collected and told her that I respected her decision to seperate and I do not want to divorce but I cannot enable her to leave me. She said she understood but was still obviously very mad.

 

Just to clear up why she was asking me for money. The day after she told me out of anger that she was done trying(not sure she ever did try), she went to the atm and took out our max allowable 200.00 and spent a bunch of money on her debit card from our joint bank account . When I called to ask her about it she didn't answer my voice mail so I went to the bank on my lunch hour and closed the account. Then I called her and left her a voice mail that I didn't feel I had a choice but to close the account because I had alot of our bills to pay and I couldn't do that if she continued to spend our money. She called me back and said she took the money because she thought my first order of business would be to go to the bank and clean it out and close it. I told her that I had no intention of doing so. She believed me and I apologized. So now we have different bank accounts and she is feeling the pinch.

 

Oh well, I pay our sons day care and all of the medical bills and all she has to pay is her car, insurance, cell phone bill. After that and her rent if she decides to get an apartment, there wont be a whole lot left for her. Too bad I guess. Too bad so sad, until she divorces me and takes my azz. Well see. She was really pissed this morning. But it was from nothing that I did so I cant help that.

 

Im rockin on. With or without my wife. F'in A.

[jesslindy]

Well I'm quickly learning this is like a roller coaster. Up Down Up Down. Crazy.

 

All my wife can think about is money right now. She's so mad at me because she has no money. That is so ridiculous. I pay the equivalent of 650 dollars worth of bills that she would have to pay if we were divorced and with my child support. If she thinks she is getting more than that shes crazy. With what we make and the time we would split up our son she would actually get less. I've already looked into it. One week its hugs, next week its anger when I have done nothing wrong. Crazy.

 

Im getting lots of mixed signals, thats what makes the 180s and the patience hard. But I can do it. I have already proven to myself that I can.

 

I think my wife may be emotionally cheating. Not real sure, but just a hunch. It is at the point where I could be totally wrong. It just makes sense that she might be, because of all of the different reactions.

 

I know what you are all going to say, still a doormat. That is so not the truth. If my wife comes home it will be a long and narrow road and one that will be hard to travel. There will and must be lots of apologizing, self-examination, crying and what ever else needs to happen for her to be a better person for me.

 

A couple of posts back I said she had decided to make an appointment with the counseler and she has not done so. I asked her about it tonight to see if she had, and she said she didn't have the money even after I told her I would pay for it. I don't feel bad about paying for that because I do love her and it would be a very important step in reconciliation. Crazy.

 

To everybody out there that reads this and finds themselves in a similar situation, take the advice your given. It works. I've made more progress in the last weeks with my wife and myself than I ever did going to some counseler that just lets me act like an idiot. If nothing else you will come out a much better person.

 

On another note, I had a hands-down for sure opportunity this weekend to hook up with a girl that will not leave me alone since I have seperated with my wife. You should have heard some of things that were said to me. For another category I guess. I chose not to do so. Why you ask? I dont want a safety net. I don't want to make a stupid mistake. I want my wife and how the hell would that help. I'm proud but my boys are blue. If you get any urges you cant suppress with hard liquor, than use your hand. Thats a joke by the way.

 

Thanks for listening!!

[Hurt & Alone]

that she has post partum depression? Have you looked into this? Sounds like this could explain the way she is acting. Woman suffer from this after child birth, in most cases it will go away on its own however, there are individuals that if not treated the depression gets worse.

[jesslindy]

Yes I have looked into this. In fact most of the books Im reading now are about depression. There is no doubt in my mind she suffers from depression. Post pardum, maybe. She has only given me one idea that might be the case. When we were on vacation, she felt she was being a horrible mother because our son would not leave her side and she couldnt take it. I tried very hard to help, and told her she is a wonderful mother and she just took a nap during our family dinner for the night. This was a huge vacation with all of her family. Our son was not adjusting to the cabin and lake and wasn't happy at all. She has seemed lately to not deal well with the seperation issues our son has been showing. That hurts alot to watch. He is just turning two, and becoming his own litlle man, and I dont think she deals with his new "attitude" well. Of course I would never bring this up, I think she knows about it and if she would just get herself into counseling it might come out. I am confident her problems are not about me. (Although she wont tell you that). Im a well adjusted person and our marital problems are so miniscule and so fixable. Thats how I know.

[Gunny376]

Steady as she goes Mister ~ steady as she goes.

 

I see in your latest post that you're hoping for the best, but are prepared for the worse should it come.

 

Balance! That's what I see in your posts! You'vr got your head about you. You're not being cruel, but your not being a doormat either. You're being there for you son and the wife ~ in so much as she will let you!

 

IMHO? The balls in her court. A person shouldn't have to beg to let someone love them.

 

As far as the money? That's her problem ~ not yours! She had a roof over her head, food in the fridge, lights turned on, clothes on her back! But Nooooooooooo! that wasn't good enough!

 

Tough love brother, nothing but tough love!

 

There IS life after divorce! I'm 10 months away from being debt free. I can already quit my job and live off my retirement from the Corps. I don't have everything that I want, but I've more than got everything I need.

 

It was funny to me? I've struggled and fought for so long against the "Storms of Life" that I didn't realize I had broken through to the otherside! That I had come to the otherside of it all! I was like a madman, a Berserker, a Spartian the otherside of the Persian line covered in blood, with acres of dead behind me?

 

I had to have a friend of mine to point it out to me?

 

"Chill out ~ you made it, your on the otherside of it! The otherside of the Storm! You've got it made! You've no longer a reason to fight against the World! You've no longer a reason to be pissed off at the World, hating it and everyone in it! YOU'VE conqured your demons!

[jdp1955]

I have been in your situation for the last 5 years. Always thought things would turn the corner, but in reality, she is now just kind of friendly, but nothing more than that. She doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't act married. The blaming continues. She probably had a boyfriend for a couple of years and probably still has some contact.

 

Although she was the one who left first, it looks like it will be up to me to finish off what I never wanted to happen.

 

Nothing I have tried has worked....counseling only made things a little better....but she never really has wanted things to improve. Unfortunately, there were just enough positive interactions to make me think that one day we'd be ok.....now I wonder if she did this just so her little life wouldn't be disrupted.

 

Bottom line. When she left the home March, 2002 I should have sold the house and filed for divorce. Create the reality...but I never did because she led me on and now I am stuck in a loveless marriage unless I now want to suffer through a huge mess.

[Gunny376]

I have been in your situation for the last 5 years. Always thought things would turn the corner, but in reality, she is now just kind of friendly, but nothing more than that. She doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't act married. The blaming continues. She probably had a boyfriend for a couple of years and probably still has some contact.

 

Although she was the one who left first, it looks like it will be up to me to finish off what I never wanted to happen.

 

Nothing I have tried has worked....counseling only made things a little better....but she never really has wanted things to improve. Unfortunately, there were just enough positive interactions to make me think that one day we'd be ok.....now I wonder if she did this just so her little life wouldn't be disrupted.

 

Bottom line. When she left the home March, 2002 I should have sold the house and filed for divorce. Create the reality...but I never did because she led me on and now I am stuck in a loveless marriage unless I now want to suffer through a huge mess.

 

I feel ya! Bro!

 

Kind of like setting your clock for 12 Hundred and awaking up at 24 hundred under "fire" a "s***** and a gettin! When it was YOU that set the ambush ~ that got ambushed!

 

Divorce?

 

Not for the weak-minded, not for the weak-hearted? Make damn sure you eat your Wheaties!

 

Always protect your flanks and rear, and watch your front!!!!!!!

[jesslindy]

Just got off the phone with my wife, she started to talk about the relationship and all she could say was she didn't "think" she could fix it. She didn't "think" she could move back in. She is so confused. Although she will tell you that she isn't. She acts like she has made up her mind but never talks in absolutes. Everything is think this or maybe that. Tough to deal with none the less. Oh well, looks like I'm headed down the big "D" road. Only because my wife cant get her head out of her azz and get some therapy. She has every major symptom of depression and she told me today she hasnt been taking her meds. She told me she doesnt feel she needs therapy. She says shes happy, yeah she probably is because she has done nothing to face her demons and suck it up. So sad. Shes lost. Its just so sad how a person can be so smart and so dumb at the same time. I'll just back off like I have been doing. Never know I guess.

 

Today was an extremely hard day for me. One of the toughest ones yet. I felt like punching something all day. I hate this. I want my wife back so badly. F%&K! F%*K! F*$K!

 

Later