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Unhappy that I'm not Unhappy that I'm Alone

johan

By johan,
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johan

johan

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I feel burnt out and asexual. I rarely feel any attraction for anyone.

 

I used to hate my life alone. I used to be hard on myself for not having a woman around. Now I feel glad I don't. I can't imagine having a happy relationship, and I don't want an unhappy one. So all my fantasies have been clouded over by reality. The romantic ideals and fantasies that used to be such a turn-on have all occurred repeatedly, and now I know where they lead. Nowhere.

 

This must be how it ends. You worry and strive, then you wise up and stop caring. Then you fizzle out. In the afterlife, whatever that amounts to, you get to look back at all the wrong turns. And you get to face the irony that you outlived the value of anything you ever did.

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2sunny

2sunny

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it's really ok to feel at peace without needing someone else to make you feel complete.

 

i have gotten used to the idea after a 20 year marriage (2 years have passed) - sometimes it feels like freedom...

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Road Rage

Road Rage

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Signs of depression Johan. You get to a point where you have no enthusiasm for anything. And a sense of hopelessness. Just recognize that is what is going on.

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Trialbyfire

Trialbyfire

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Maybe that's it. Maybe you have a preference for being alone.

 

There is much to be said for having personal freedom. You can go to sleep when you want to, do anything you want to at any given time without the unnecessary consideration for anyone else. All you have to worry about is working, eating, sleeping and playing. Not such a bad life, I guess.

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johan

johan

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Signs of depression Johan. You get to a point where you have no enthusiasm for anything. And a sense of hopelessness. Just recognize that is what is going on.

 

Who said I had no enthusiasm for anything? I'm actually pretty content with things.

 

My problem is that when I see a woman I'm attracted to, I tell the whole story in my head, all the way to the bitter end. And figure it's better just to move on. I know how relationships go. Why bother making her make me unhappy? Why sign up to disappoint her and/or to be disappointed by her? Don't we both have better things to do?

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johan

johan

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Maybe that's it. Maybe you have a preference for being alone.

 

There is much to be said for having personal freedom. You can go to sleep when you want to, do anything you want to at any given time without the unnecessary consideration for anyone else. All you have to worry about is working, eating, sleeping and playing. Not such a bad life, I guess.

 

I actually am happier when I have a woman in my life. For the time when things are good. But they always turn bad. It used to bother me. Now I feel like I've killed every fantasy I had. Now there is nothing to strive for. I've tried it every way, and every way it worked out the same.

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Krytellan

Krytellan

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This must be how it ends. You worry and strive, then you wise up and stop caring. Then you fizzle out. In the afterlife, whatever that amounts to, you get to look back at all the wrong turns. And you get to face the irony that you outlived the value of anything you ever did.

 

Hey Johan buddy. Step away from LS for a while. This place can't be helping. It's the epitome of unhappiness and injustice. What you need is a viewing of Caddyshack or something ;)

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funkybassplayer

funkybassplayer

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Whe the right woman walks past you, youll forget all you just said and think...hmmm. It will happen when it happens, but for now just do what makes you feel happy. To be happy without some1 else is something that most of us would like. I mean how many here are suffering cos they went into the wrong relationship? Theres nothing like being in a great relationship, but if it goes wrong the pain can be unbearable. But one that is worth the risk i think. What did bob marley say? no woman no cry!! says it all huh!

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underpants

underpants

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Who said I had no enthusiasm for anything? I'm actually pretty content with things.

 

My problem is that when I see a woman I'm attracted to, I tell the whole story in my head, all the way to the bitter end. And figure it's better just to move on. I know how relationships go. Why bother making her make me unhappy? Why sign up to disappoint her and/or to be disappointed by her? Don't we both have better things to do?

 

Yea, this sucks. I know, I do that too. I almost find it refreshing when I really hate the dude (and this is not healthy).

 

It is a self defeatist attitude. (just a pot calling a kettle) Easier to not act or to only act against yourself. At least you are starting to recognize.

 

All part of the process.

 

Just one grilled cheese talking to another. btw, who moved my cheese?

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Nemo

Nemo

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I used to hate my life alone. I used to be hard

That's probably why.

And you get to face the irony that you outlived the value of anything you ever did.
It's not too late. There is time. Not much of it, and it's ticking away at an alarming pace. But the good news is that there is still a small chance. Maybe small isn't the right word. Whatever. I was trying to be extra optimistic for you. Small was about as big as I was comfortable going. Having said that, it might well be as big as small. Who knows, really.
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Lizzie60

Lizzie60

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Who said I had no enthusiasm for anything? I'm actually pretty content with things.

 

My problem is that when I see a woman I'm attracted to, I tell the whole story in my head, all the way to the bitter end. And figure it's better just to move on. I know how relationships go. Why bother making her make me unhappy? Why sign up to disappoint her and/or to be disappointed by her? Don't we both have better things to do?

 

from what I read...you don't have much enthusiasm... and I don't think you are 'content' with things...

 

You have a negative outlook on being single... If you don't want to be bothered because you don't want to be burnt or as you say, sign up for disappointment...it's quite different from someone who actually enjoy his freedom and loving to be single...

 

You don't like to be single...you just don't like the idea of being disappointed... there's a huge difference.

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nittygritty

nittygritty

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Who said I had no enthusiasm for anything? I'm actually pretty content with things.

 

My problem is that when I see a woman I'm attracted to, I tell the whole story in my head, all the way to the bitter end. And figure it's better just to move on. I know how relationships go. Why bother making her make me unhappy? Why sign up to disappoint her and/or to be disappointed by her? Don't we both have better things to do?

 

 

I do this too, I think its fairly normal when your aware of what your not compatible with.

 

When I think about the men I have been in love with where I was happy in the relationship, the beginning was effortless, for the most part. I used to worry that I would never find that again but I'm okay with that now. I actually enjoy being single now and not having anymore obligations than I already do. Being able to make decisions without disagreement from a SO.

 

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the freedom you have and I think it helps ensure a better outcome the longer you take a break from relationships. You can examine your part in failed relationships and know better what you need to have from someone else for a relationship to work. If you never find a person that is compatible with what your wanting than its okay too.

 

Learning to find happiness with your life is the quest, I think. Another person can only enrich your life, they can't make you happy. You have to do that.

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AriaIncognito

AriaIncognito

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I do this too, I think its fairly normal when your aware of what your not compatible with.

 

When I think about the men I have been in love with where I was happy in the relationship, the beginning was effortless, for the most part. I used to worry that I would never find that again but I'm okay with that now. I actually enjoy being single now and not having anymore obligations than I already do. Being able to make decisions without disagreement from a SO.

 

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the freedom you have and I think it helps ensure a better outcome the longer you take a break from relationships. You can examine your part in failed relationships and know better what you need to have from someone else for a relationship to work. If you never find a person that is compatible with what your wanting than its okay too.

 

Learning to find happiness with your life is the quest, I think. Another person can only enrich your life, they can't make you happy. You have to do that.

 

 

Nittygritty, what a great post. You're so very right. A lot of us seem to think that being in a relationship means being happy. We place so much value on having an SO that we undermine the value our lives have even without one. We tend to focus on that which we want and don't have, rather than all we have accomplished.

 

Sure, Johan, nobody here looks at someone and thinks "wow, I hope I get burned". That's what love is, taking the risk despite knowing you can get burned, because in the end, you think it could be worth the risk, you know? We can all be afraid of it, or we can put ourselves out there and possibly one day be open to finding that which we say we all want.

 

And I agree with other posters, you sound more like you are unhappy/depressed than you are excited about being single. Back in the day, I got to the point where I truly was more happy alone, and I had to fight hard to allow a man into my life. Now that I have, well I'm back to the other side lol. Guess it's always one side or the other. Sometimes I wish I never took the risk and opened my heart up again, but deep down I know I had to, and have to, if I want to be with someone for the rest of my life.

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IpAncA

IpAncA

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I feel burnt out and asexual. I rarely feel any attraction for anyone.

 

I used to hate my life alone. I used to be hard on myself for not having a woman around. Now I feel glad I don't. I can't imagine having a happy relationship, and I don't want an unhappy one. So all my fantasies have been clouded over by reality. The romantic ideals and fantasies that used to be such a turn-on have all occurred repeatedly, and now I know where they lead. Nowhere.

 

This must be how it ends. You worry and strive, then you wise up and stop caring. Then you fizzle out. In the afterlife, whatever that amounts to, you get to look back at all the wrong turns. And you get to face the irony that you outlived the value of anything you ever did.

 

I'm sorry but I honestly don't know how to respond here so I'll do my best.

 

I have no idea what's going on in your brain but people who are meant to be single have a WAY different thought process then ones who are depressed and have given up due to bad experiences.

 

I wouldn't just give up but then again I'm not in your shoes. When the time is right, you'll be with someone. You don't sound like the type of person who's meant to be single because like I said, your not acting like people who are.

 

Have you considered talking to someone. I know that sounds like the answer everyone gives when they can't help but maybe that would help to clear your thoughts and get you out of this depressive hole. No one should live like this.

 

Good luck either way. :)

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nittygritty

nittygritty

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Nittygritty, what a great post. You're so very right. A lot of us seem to think that being in a relationship means being happy. We place so much value on having an SO that we undermine the value our lives have even without one. We tend to focus on that which we want and don't have, rather than all we have accomplished.

 

Sure, Johan, nobody here looks at someone and thinks "wow, I hope I get burned". That's what love is, taking the risk despite knowing you can get burned, because in the end, you think it could be worth the risk, you know? We can all be afraid of it, or we can put ourselves out there and possibly one day be open to finding that which we say we all want.

 

And I agree with other posters, you sound more like you are unhappy/depressed than you are excited about being single. Back in the day, I got to the point where I truly was more happy alone, and I had to fight hard to allow a man into my life. Now that I have, well I'm back to the other side lol. Guess it's always one side or the other. Sometimes I wish I never took the risk and opened my heart up again, but deep down I know I had to, and have to, if I want to be with someone for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks Ariawoman, I agree with you too, love is about being willing to take a risk about putting yourself out there for someone else. Chemistry or the beginning of feelings of love, can overlook a lot of flaws or incompatibilities. Some incompatibilities are deal breakers but some are only minor inconveniences.

 

I don't want to shut down that part of me and because I have to be in love with a man in order to have sex with him, eventually I know I'm going to have to be willing to take that risk of falling in love with a man, if I'm ever going to have sex again :laugh:.

 

However, I do understand Johan's feelings of being burnt and feeling asexual and for now I am finding happiness with the other areas of my life. Love is a choice but I can't force myself to love somebody and it doesn't happen when your actively looking. I still have hope but since I have already experienced that kind of love and the loss was a very painful experience for me, I know that I don't have to have it in order to be happy.

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pricillia

pricillia

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I just think that too many people are with someone just to say that they have someone...

 

I commend Johan for taking this time to talk about what he is going through in his life.

 

Wouldn't someone rather be alone then to have a relationship without true love and intamacy.

 

I know what is is like to feel alone however when you reach out to friends and family (for me mostly friends), then it isn't so bad, it gets really bad if you isolate yourself, which is what I did for a long time.

 

I do not know who wrote it or what post I read it in but I think about it everyday (well almost everyday), It could be a famous quote but I like it.

 

It went something like:

 

Love is friendship set on fire...

 

 

anyway enough rambling...

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Chinook

Chinook

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Johan, what I couldn't get my head around this morning (it was morning for me and I'd been up all night) was the idea that you run through your head how things will go without even asking for a date.

 

You're looking for perfection, an ideal. Ideals don't exist.

 

As someone else said, the only way to know what's out there for you is to take the risk. Disappointment is part of that risk and yes, sometimes it beats us down to being at the point of really not caring any longer.

 

But you know what... you have flaws too. There's some girl out there who has her flaws and you have yours and you'll accept each other despite them. It's all about building your life on reality... not on idealism.

 

That's what keeps me taking the risks :rolleyes:

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Nemo

Nemo

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Nittygritty, what a great post.

Yes, it was totally excellent. Really got down to the n... well, you know.

Love is friendship set on fire...

Oh, for a flammable friend.

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Storyrider

Storyrider

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Argh.

 

I was going to write something very cynical. It included a reference to you kicking your cat, which I'm sure you never do anyway.

 

Then I realized how unsupportive that is, not to mention nonsensical...

 

And also that deep down I desperately want to write something optimistic about love because I love being in love, and I think you probably do also.

 

Stories work out, and then they don't work out. And then they work out again. And then, after that, they don't. I think maybe the only time you have a truly happy ending is to die whilst having sex with someone, who, at the time, you believe you love, and who claims to love you. Or maybe if you're just playing chess with them when you keel over, that would be alright too.

 

Come on. You already know you can't accurately second guess the outcome of anything. Life is more complex and zany and variable than that. Things could turn out much, much worse than anything you could possibly imagine. Ha ha.

 

Or, much, much better.

 

Someone out there could need you, and because you're sitting on your *ss feeling sorry for yourself, she is waiting a long, long time for you to connect with her.

 

Also, as an aside, try not to drink too much wine at 7000 feet altitude. But I'm sure you could've told me that.

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