Is There Anybody Out There??

[trublu70]

Hi, I am fairly new to this discussion group. I have read many entries and decided to post here. I have been with the same guy since I was 16 and we were free-basers from 22 until 24. We are still together. I had an awesome paying job for 16 years. I was very funtional with my addiction. I bought a house and many material things. Then we had two sons. By the time the kids were 7 and 3 he was dabbling again. Now his DOC was crack. I was in being co-dependant and waving my victim flag for a couple of years then I jumped on-board for about 6 months and joined him..I LOST almost everything that mattered and decided to STOP. I have used AA as my 12 step even though it should of been NA but the stuff can be applied in either situation and AA is available every day where NA is once a week and I need more than that. I had to depend on him for three years because I LOST my job and was working my recovery. Now I have started over from the bottom at entry-level and have been clean for over 2 years.We bought a new house and things were ok for 5 months, until he woke me up with a line which soon led to smoking. I am lost again. I have been scared to bring it up with him for fear that it will happen again. We have no level of communication except physical and drugs. I still love him.(Am co-dependant on him) We have been together 21 years and we are both recovering addicts so I am NOT trying to place the blame on him. It is just that I realize now that we are straighter that we have nothing in common besides our old partying ways. We have different ideals and goals. It is so scary. We have 2 beautiful children who deserve better.They are 12 and 8 now. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and Depression but when I lost my job I had to stop getting the anti-depressant I was on. I am in a funk and can't believe I did that crap again..I thought I was OVER that. I am not sure what I am asking for except advice and maybe me to vent a little. I know for my kids sake I don't want to go back to that life. I am just in a state right now where I hate my life and am not sure how to go about changing it. I have been dealing with it for 21 years. I feel like I am the only one STUPID enough to be my age and dealing with this kind of situation. Obviously I have some means. I have an Internet connection and a phone and a roof over my head. What is my problem? ok Thanks. Would like to talk more..Maybe one of those sposers that post on here?

[Touche]

Hi, I am fairly new to this discussion group. I have read many entries and decided to post here. I have been with the same guy since I was 16 and we were free-basers from 22 until 24. We are still together. I had an awesome paying job for 16 years. I was very funtional with my addiction. I bought a house and many material things. Then we had two sons. By the time the kids were 7 and 3 he was dabbling again. Now his DOC was crack. I was in being co-dependant and waving my victim flag for a couple of years then I jumped on-board for about 6 months and joined him..I LOST almost everything that mattered and decided to STOP. I have used AA as my 12 step even though it should of been NA but the stuff can be applied in either situation and AA is available every day where NA is once a week and I need more than that. I had to depend on him for three years because I LOST my job and was working my recovery. Now I have started over from the bottom at entry-level and have been clean for over 2 years.We bought a new house and things were ok for 5 months, until he woke me up with a line which soon led to smoking. I am lost again. I have been scared to bring it up with him for fear that it will happen again. We have no level of communication except physical and drugs. I still love him.(Am co-dependant on him) We have been together 21 years and we are both recovering addicts so I am NOT trying to place the blame on him. It is just that I realize now that we are straighter that we have nothing in common besides our old partying ways. We have different ideals and goals. It is so scary. We have 2 beautiful children who deserve better.They are 12 and 8 now. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and Depression but when I lost my job I had to stop getting the anti-depressant I was on. I am in a funk and can't believe I did that crap again..I thought I was OVER that. I am not sure what I am asking for except advice and maybe me to vent a little. I know for my kids sake I don't want to go back to that life. I am just in a state right now where I hate my life and am not sure how to go about changing it. I have been dealing with it for 21 years. I feel like I am the only one STUPID enough to be my age and dealing with this kind of situation. Obviously I have some means. I have an Internet connection and a phone and a roof over my head. What is my problem? ok Thanks. Would like to talk more..Maybe one of those sposers that post on here?

 

First let me welcome you to LoveShack. I think you will some great support here. I don't really have any advice to offer you but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I know all about addiction. I've battled an alcohol problem for many years. It's an ongoing battle to not let it take over my life.

 

I think it's really a HUGE accomplishment that you were able to get help and stopped for a couple of years. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for not supporting you in this. If you beat this once, you can beat it again. But I'm afraid your husband either has to support you in this and not use around you, or he must go. Seriously. Why would he jeopardize your sobriety like that? Obviously he's not taking your best interests and those of your kids to heart.

 

You really need to have a serious talk with him. There's no way around that.

[trublu70]

First let me welcome you to LoveShack. I think you will some great support here. I don't really have any advice to offer you but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I know all about addiction. I've battled an alcohol problem for many years. It's an ongoing battle to not let it take over my life.

 

I think it's really a HUGE accomplishment that you were able to get help and stopped for a couple of years. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for not supporting you in this. If you beat this once, you can beat it again. But I'm afraid your husband either has to support you in this and not use around you, or he must go. Seriously. Why would he jeopardize your sobriety like that? Obviously he's not taking your best interests and those of your kids to heart.

 

You really need to have a serious talk with him. There's no way around that.

 

I appreciate the welcome. Truly kind. We cannot talk about it because if I bring it up he will THINK about it. This is one of the few things we have in common and I do NOT want this partying lifestyle back. Thanks for caring..

[trublu70]

First let me welcome you to LoveShack. I think you will some great support here. I don't really have any advice to offer you but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I know all about addiction. I've battled an alcohol problem for many years. It's an ongoing battle to not let it take over my life.

 

I think it's really a HUGE accomplishment that you were able to get help and stopped for a couple of years. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for not supporting you in this. If you beat this once, you can beat it again. But I'm afraid your husband either has to support you in this and not use around you, or he must go. Seriously. Why would he jeopardize your sobriety like that? Obviously he's not taking your best interests and those of your kids to heart.

 

You really need to have a serious talk with him. There's no way around that.

 

I know..I was also an alcoholic for MANY years. I have traded one addiction for another. I have ADD and I depression runs heavily in my family.I want to say thank you for talking about your ALCOHOL addiction. I know how hard it can be. I cannot talk to him about this. He is an angry person and will whip out the blame you brush... Our whole life has been my fault. I tried to go swimming with my kids last week with a girlfriend and he was so mad. He doesn't even want me to have friends that are girls. I am 37 years old too.Geez.

[Touche]

I know..I was also an alcoholic for MANY years. I have traded one addiction for another. I have ADD and I depression runs heavily in my family.I want to say thank you for talking about your ALCOHOL addiction. I know how hard it can be. I cannot talk to him about this. He is an angry person and will whip out the blame you brush... Our whole life has been my fault. I tried to go swimming with my kids last week with a girlfriend and he was so mad. He doesn't even want me to have friends that are girls. I am 37 years old too.Geez.

 

You're welcome and I don't mind talking about my addiction at all.

 

As for your H, in my view, he's abusive. My ex-H was the same way. I couldn't go out with girlfriends either. Needless to say, I had to end that marriage. You can't grow with a man like this, trublu. I really don't know what to say because I think he's like an anchor around you.

 

I can't imagine my H waking me up and saying, "Here have a drink, honey!" He supports my efforts to not drink. And when I fail, he doesn't beat me over the head with it.

 

So what if he gets mad? You have to stand up to him. Tell him that you're going to live your life the way you see fit. He can come along with you or you will leave him behind.

 

Can you get back in the AA or NA program? I think you can better deal with your H and those issues if you can get clean first. It could very well be that you've outgrown him. I hate to say that. You CAN both start fresh though with new interests and hobbies if he could get on the same page with you.

 

I know this is so complicated. Maybe you can get better advice from another member but in the meantime, you have my support and prayers. Vent away all you need to.

 

I think talking about this and questioning it all is a great first step for you. And by the way, don't feel badly that your 37 and still dealing with addiction issues. I'm almost 46. It's a life-long problem to be dealt with for some of us. You sound like a good person to me.

[trublu70]

Thanks SO much.I am GRATEFUL to know that I am NOT alone at (37)My age. He is incredible emotionally abusive. He has dragged me down for years. I have like a sparate place in my functioning reality that I keep him. Then I talk to him in front of people in the other 3/4 place. I work at a grocery store now and I have had other women tell me how there first marrige was a learning experience and there 2nd was a fairytale.My 1st is definately a learning experience and a NIGHTMARE...Only I hang in there because I only want to be married ONCE!!!

[trublu70]

He jepordized my sobriety because he was 18 when we met.. It is all either of us KNOW!! I have taken him to a marriage counselor and he onlyu went once. So it turned into a ME counselor.. I went for a year...until ins ran out..

[Touche]

Thanks SO much.I am GRATEFUL to know that I am NOT alone at (37)My age. He is incredible emotionally abusive. He has dragged me down for years. I have like a sparate place in my functioning reality that I keep him. Then I talk to him in front of people in the other 3/4 place. I work at a grocery store now and I have had other women tell me how there first marrige was a learning experience and there 2nd was a fairytale.My 1st is definately a learning experience and a NIGHTMARE...Only I hang in there because I only want to be married ONCE!!!

 

I understand the part about only being married once but at what cost? Is it worth it? You only have ONE life, trublu. Why throw it away like that? And do your kids see the abuse? It's not good for them at all.

 

And by the way, yep my first marriage was a nightmare of the first order. And yes, I learned a LOT from it. My second one is a dream come true. We celebrated our 12 year anniversary in June and this Fall it will be 13 years since we met. I'm so glad I had the guts to leave the first one or I would have never known such happiness.

 

Please think about that. And think about your kids. This really can't be good for them. You really should try to change this situation.

 

And of course, you're not alone. Please keep checking your thread because I have a feeling you will get a LOT of support from others who are or have been where you are now.

[luvstarved]

Hi,

 

I don't have any advice really but did want to welcome you.

 

I am very sorry you are struggling with this addiction. I have also had issues with alcohol in the past, and did a lot of drugs when I was in college.

 

Is your husband sober at this time? I wasn't really clear on whether you are clean for two years or if you HAD BEEN clean...and now in relapse state.

 

Either way, I am sure you know too well what this addiction has cost you and will cost you (I believe the price goes up with time, does it not?) if you give in to it.

 

When I was about your age, I fell into heavy drinking following a relationship's ending. I thought it would kill me. I had two small children whom I was somehow managing to take decent care of, but emotionally negligent. One day I was lying there, drunk at like 10 in the morning...and I thought, I'm either going to accelerate this behavior and let it consume me or I am going to give it up and get my life back. Die or live, in other words.

 

Anyway, I went into rehab. I gave it up. I had always been a drinker, but only in that extreme for about a year. I know you have been struggling a lot longer than that and with a different, possibly even more addictive drug (I just don't know...) so I am not really comparing, just trying to empathize as best I can.

 

Your husband does not sound like he has the capacity to be any kind of positive influence or support in helping you to create a different life for yourself and for your children. If that is true, then you really owe it to yourself and your children to get him out of your life.

 

Vent here. Call hotlines. Talk to a doctor or mental health professional or clergy.

 

You are in a worse position than someone trying to go it alone. You are trying to make a go of it with basically someone trying to thwart you on the one hand (your H) and others who SHOULD be able to depend on YOU for THEIR support (your children) and it is all keeping you in a position where you cannot really get to where you need to be or fully be what you need to be for them.

 

First things first. GET ANY HELP THAT YOU NEED!!!! Don't be afraid to ask. There are numerous resources. You are not really good for your children until you are good for yourself, so remember that while selfishness is not a virtue, self-care CERTAINLY IS.

 

We're here...with best wishes, prayers and open hearts and ears. Keep posting.

[trublu70]

Thanks LS. I went back to my AA group yesterday. I think my husband and I have underlying issues that have probably been there all this time but we refuse to (or just are not ABLE to) discuss. Why else would ANYONE try jeopardize anothers sobriety. Am going to try to work towards a solution to this.

We have been clean for years.. (Except for that one slip) I thought that it was in the past. I guess I should of been stronger. It was like a blip on the radar though. At least a month behind me. It had absolutely no effect on my ability to care for my children..I am pretty functional. Even when I was strung-out I cared for them pretty well physically. I am just too old to go through this again and it was on my mind. I am not able to compartmentalize this due to the guilt I feel. Sometimes I HATE being a female...LOL.

I also know that my sons are older now and the things that you can hide froma small child are not the things you can hide from developing boys of 12 and 8. They are really great kids too. I am lucky to have them. I thank GOD every day... I will let you know how things go. For now, I am back in AA. Not sure what to do with the H but I know we have to talk about this so it doesn't happen again and really through our wierd relationship into an uproar. Maybe you are right about the being apart thing but I am being honest when I say that we have been together through bad and good times for 21 years and I don't know if I am ready for that to be over. Thanks for sharing with me LS.