Is it over like he says it is?

[Newtotheblogthing]

My ex has a new girlfriend and I am losing mind. Here's the background.

 

We broke up (technically) in late April after 3 years togther. I went away for 2 months and had minimal contact with him. I knew he was devastated but he waited for me to return and I still wasn't sure if I wanted to get back together with him so I kept him at arms length. We still talked and texted everyday and saw each other twice which was very emotionally. "He is so in love with me" etc.. I am still in love with him as well.

 

Well, a month ago, I start to make more of an effort in the hopes that the time apart has done both of us some good. We make plans but something seems off. But he still calls and we text all the time. Well, 3 weeks ago we meet for dinner and he tells me he is seeing someone. I become hysterical, he is crying, then he switches to anger and tells me how hard it was for him while I was gone. He would call my voicemail to listen to my voice. He was devastated. Now he is moving on. My sadness actually made him angry.

 

Since then I realize it's the girl he mentioned who was all over him and she happens to be his next door neighbor. Two weeks ago after he had been drinking he tells me to come over. So I did. We made love and he tells me again he loves me and that he had been waiting for this etc.. The next day he feels guilty as his new girlfriend lives next door and she was there.. I am now completely devastated as I am not his priority and he is frustrated by my inability to move on. I am needy, I know it.

 

So what is going on in his head? Is she a rebound? Is he really moving on? What do I do? Will he miss me and eventually realize it?

 

I texted him today and asked him to tell me he doesn't love me and is not in love with me. I have yet to get a reply.

 

Any thoughts? I know I need to cut contact but I am going CRAZY!! Please help.

[Newtotheblogthing]

I reallly don't know what to do? I keep thinking that I am going insane and can't read the writing on the wall. Would he really be over us so quickly?

[Diplok]

The best thing to do right now is to cut all contact. You may not want to hear this but the truth is, he is in a new relationship. Only he knows if this is a rebound or not but he must come to that conclusion on his own. Give him some space. If he comes back to you then it's up to you to give him a chance or not. If he doesn't then hopefully you will have used your no contact time to better yourself, to indulge in your hobbies and make new friends.

[oppath]

I want to be as compassionate as possible because I know you are hurt, but it sounds like (1) you initially dumped him. (2) You kept him at arms length when he wanted you back. He started moving on, dating others, and now you've decided "ok, I do want him back" because you can't face the reality he has moved on.

 

I know you are hurt. But this back-and-forth game hasn't been fair to either of you, especially him. You broke up with him. The most compassionate thing you can do for him is to let him move on, so he can find the relationship he deserves, the one you could not give him. If you care about him, let him go.

 

Also, you need to move on to. That means letting him go so you can heal.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Thank you both for your replies. It is true I broke up with him and I do feel it's selfish to all of sudden play the victim if you will. I agree with both of you. It's just crazy how you know what the best thing is but bringing yourself to do it seems almost impossible. No contact is the only way to heal and I guess see if we were meant to stay friends or more. I don't want to let him go because I am afraid. But I have to regardless of whether he loves me or she's a rebound.

Thank you so much for you help. (although I sound together right now I could do a 180 in about 10 minutes. I will review these posts to help me remember why I need to do everything to heal and move on)

P.S Thanks for the link.

[oppath]

the fact that he is moving on doesn't mean he does not care for you, value you, or love you, and that your relationship in any way is diminished. It simply means that he is getting on with his life. Yes, it hurts for you, but if you love him, you would let him move on. You acknowledge this, which is good.

 

You too need to move on. Cease the contact and heal.

[Newtotheblogthing]

So I have regressed a bit. I sent a text implying that I am letting him go. I don't want to let go.. either way, I am going to stop now and have no contact from now on. Secretly, I want him to realize a couple weeks from now that he misses me. Is it normal to feel this way? Again, I hate to be repetitive but it's insane the way my mind works. I feel crazy. Moments of clarity, then text messages to share the clarity which are really ways to get a reaction.

[bestadvisor]

Moments of clarity, then text messages to share the clarity which are really ways to get a reaction.

 

You're so not over him yet, but he's clearly moving on. Every day that passes by, his new relationship grows stronger and stronger and the memories of you and him become more and more blur. Time to move on.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Of course I am not over him. We were in love for 3 years. I never really let it go. Still havent but I am trying. let me also tell you guys that although we were technically broken up in April, we both assumed essentially that it wasn't really a break up. That in the end we would get back together. Or something. I don't know. It really only seems like a month for me. We made love two weeks ago. So no I am not over it. I am sure you are right though.

[oppath]

I'll give some advice to you. I know, breakups are complicated and confusing and you can't make them this simple. But if you breakup with someone, you should cut the cord, and the reason should be "I'm not sure we are the right people for each other to continue this relationship. I feel confused, and since I feel confused, I need to change the status of our relationship, because it means we aren't right for each other and it wouldn't be fair for me to keep dating you even though I love and care for you, because you deserve the chance to heal and move on with your life so you can find the person who can give you the relationship you deserve. I don't feel I am that person and I am not sure my feelings will ever change back to being that person, so I need to let you go."

 

Of course, that sounds kind of impersonal, and it is not that simple, but if you are breaking up with someone, always assume it is permanent. Cut the cord. For the sake of the person you are dumping, it is not fair to leave any wiggle room or doubt. Otherwise, you should suggest couples counseling before bailing on the relationship. Work through the issues and feelings together before bailing. If you breakup, it is broken. And if you dump someone, understand it is selfish to give mixed signals, to give false hope, to not let that person move on.

[illusions]

I believe it is normal how you are feeling, but sadly I wouldnt be too hopeful on his wanting you back. The longer you believe that the longer I think you will feel pain over this.

[Mitch R.]

Would he be over you so quickly? Unfortunately that's not an answer that can be cut in stone.

 

My ex moved on pretty quickly. She Emailed me around the 1st of the month and asked to come over. Once she was here, she told me that she was dataing someone. She said that she's not sure about the relationship and whether it's a rebound along with alot of other strange conflicting messages. She then called the next 2 days but I didn't go see her. She didn't want to take the belongings that I'd gathered up, which again I thought was odd. I didn't hear from her for a few days and got sick of seeing the items so I dropped them off where she's living (while she wasn't there).

 

So, in this example, I don't know what she's thinking. I emailed her this past Sun. She said that she hasn't called because she feels guilty talking to me and feels like she's cheating but knows she's not.

 

I replied asking her for bit of face to face time to put closure on our relationship. She then called and asked what I wanted to talk about. I told her that I wanted to put closure on things so I could move on. That's when the monologue began, and I think I got a few words in after this. She basically brought up numerous resentments that she'd been hanging onto for almost a year, and that the breakup was totally my fault. I acknowledge my part in it, but don't own the fact that I'm totally to blame. She also mentioned between blows that she'd been thinking about me for the entire past week since we'd last spoken?

 

About a half hour later, I called back and asked if I could get my chance to speak. She said she was on the phone, that it'd be impossible to talk to her on the phone that night, and to email her.

 

So, I'm putting together an email with what I want to say. I'm going to write/revise it for about a week and then send it.

 

My point here is even with this, I have no idea whether she's playing games with me or preventing closure or what. The bottom line is I'm moving on and am going to close it.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Thank you guys again for the feedback. This is just hard and as usual, the first thing I thought about this morning is him.. and of course his new gf as I know what she looks like because I did some snooping a while back. I guess this is all irrelevent but I feel like he is hanging on to me in some ways. Such as not giving me the "it's completely over, I don't love you" text. He also knows that i have his email password and I asked that he change it. He still hasn't. Again, it's irrelevent right? I have to take the initiative on my end of things.. I still love him. He was my life. I guess I am caught up in jealousy right now as well. My ego is hurt because he has a new gf and she couldn't be less like me. I didn't know what I wanted.. time to figure that out on my own.

 

Anyway, Mitch R. I also think there are games to keep us around and possible prevent closure even if they think they want it. I agree WE have to close it on our end. What happens after that is out of our hands..

 

I also think I don't like the fact that this time around I didn't have control. He made a decision to date this new person and I was now cut off. That's not pleasant.. So I feel like both the dumper and the dumpee..

 

Oppath: thank you. Very helpful advice.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Update: So it seems my mood had shifted dramatically.. A friend of mine who I had been briefly involved with has come back around and I know rebounds might not be the BEST way to move on but I am going to go out, be social and have a good time. As long as I am honest with him about my situation, I should do it right? Who says you can't date right away. If it helps my mood and my self esteem is there any harm in it?

[mental_traveller]

Of course I am not over him. We were in love for 3 years. I never really let it go. Still havent but I am trying. let me also tell you guys that although we were technically broken up in April, we both assumed essentially that it wasn't really a break up. That in the end we would get back together. Or something. I don't know. It really only seems like a month for me. We made love two weeks ago. So no I am not over it. I am sure you are right though.

 

You dumped him, so you should take responsibility for your actions. That means you decide now do you want him back or not. If so, then swallow your pride, tell him you made a mistake, and ask for him to take you back. If you do not want him back, then do him a favour and cut contact. It really is that simple.

 

You say "it wasn't really a break up". That's false - a break-up is very real, even if you think you will get back together again. Next time you should think harder before making that break. Saying you need a few days or weeks to think is not the same as saying "adios" to someone who was in love with you for years. IMO you totally underestimated the impact this break would have on him & the relationship. Try not to make the same mistake in future.

 

Out of interest, why did you choose to break up?

[Newtotheblogthing]

Thanks for the post. Quite honestly, there is much more to the story. I chose to get sober (he has since cut out everything but alcohol, I think). We had a "tumultous" period and I literally had to "go away" for two months to get my life back on track. I had to do it without him and he supported the decision but I was not sure whether "We" were part of the problem. I was not sure if continuing the relationship would help or hurt my situation so I did what I had to for myself. I declined visits while I was "away" and when I returned was not ready to resume the relationship as it was. I wanted to see if he could make the necessary changes as well. I was selfish but for good reason. i wasn't callous but I definately could have handled things better. I should have cut the chord if I was unsure but I found it very difficult as I do love him. I still love him. I put my need first, which was wrong.

 

Unfortunately, he had a very hard time with my decision to limit contact. One day he understood because he wanted me to build my foundation but then he would call me drunk and I wondered if anything was really changing in his life. I cannot do that for him and I guess I wanted him to try for me. That's not fair either.

 

Yes, I was very selfish. I did not want to let him go. He has been there through some very ugly times. Note: not all of them were due to my "problems" he was right there with me but when you are dealing in issues such as these it's easy to blame your partner.

 

Some people can work through it but you have to be on the same page and I was hesitant. I needed to evaluate and I should have done that on my own without mixed signals.

 

It's complicated. Very codependent and probably for the best but mistakes or not, it's HARD. I often forget what led to my going "away" and I romaticize the relationship.

 

In hindsight and with all of the replies it is clear that I chose to be selfish about it. There was never a definative, "we're over" and I just kept holding on when I should have made a decision. I was afraid of a lot. My new sobriety but ultimately of losing the person I am still in love with. Sadly, I took the wait and see approach. It wasn't right and it definately backfired.

 

Does this give you a little more insight into the dynamic or have I completely confused you? P.S I have five months for anyone who is friend of Bill W.

[jaelynne52]

I just read your story, and I sort of feel like maybe I'm on the receiving end of what you did in my own relationship. My ex broke up with me, and at first made it sound like he was doing it for him, and that there was a possibility of us getting back together once he had some stuff sorted out. He was very adamant that he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, and possibly not ever, but then he would tell me he had doubts, and that he still loved me, but worried that it wasn't enough.

 

We had a talk last night, and I told him I'm going NC. I said that it's too hard to see him and hold out hope that things will work out when I see him slowly letting go of hope more and more. He has a lot of stuff he has to work out on his own, and he acknowledges that, and he said he doesn't think a relationship would ever work out between us unless both of us changed quite a bit. I agree with him. He told me I deserve better than him, someone who can share the love that they feel with me, and so I'm going to give myself time, and then see if I can find that someone.

 

Now I feel like he didn't want to be with me for whatever reason, but he didn't want to entirely let me go either. I feel like he wants the good without dealing with the bad, and I resent him for it. But listening to your story, and how you dealt with things, what you thought, has made me not be so angry. I wanted to thank you for giving me that, even if it was indirectly. I feel for you.

[Newtotheblogthing]

I appreciate your reply and I feel for you. Somedays I feel like the dumper and the dumpee. Just because I initially made the break doesn't mean I processed the feelings that go along with the loss of a relationship. I am doing that now. I love this person, I still hope for a reconciliation but maybe in time that won't be the case. I don't know.

 

Your ex sounds confused as well. NC might be a good idea. Truthfully, the minute that happened with mine, I freaked. I am not saying it's right but I couldn't seem to make a decision either way and it was made for me. That was the moment I had a large amount of regret.

 

Also we were not healthy together in the end and unless I knew with certainty that we were both committed to changing, I couldn't go back. I couldn't risk it. My life so to speak was at stake. I have faith that if it's meant to work out it will. Well, at this moment I do. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

 

I am glad I could help in some way.

[jaelynne52]

I told him Tuesday night that I no longer want to see or hear from him. It seemed to take a huge burden off of my shoulders. I'm sad, probably more sad now then I was before, but I no longer feel like it's my responsibility to hold on to our relationship. It gave me a huge sense of empowerment too, to know that I could make that decision.

 

He tried to talk me out of it, saying that we've made progress and while he doesn't want to get back together, he wants to keep working on problems with me. I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I think maybe there's a bit of regret on his part, but I'm going to try to no longer think of what he's going through, and just focus on what I need to go through.

 

It's good that you were able to realize that your life was more important than your relationship with him. I hope that things continue to feel better for you each day, and I'm glad that I could share your story, just a little. I'd like to continuing hearing about your progress!!