New Relationship

[Whyme_wtf]

I am in 40's and Divorced 10 years with two sons adult sons. I met a Divorced W online almost 40 and we hit it off so well. After 3 weeks of endless phone talks and emails and texts, she blurted out on the phone that she loved me. It was one of those slip replies like "OMG, I love you" over something we were talking about. She tried to talk her way through it by just continuing as she knew it slipped out. I stopped her and said, " you know, it is ok, I love you too. So the next conversations then moved towards talking about our feelings. We decided to meet that week and the connection was even stonger. There was no physical intimacy involved until almost a month after meeting and many dates inbetween. I felt I finally found what my I was searching for all my years.

Shortly after the first I love you's flew on the phone and even after meeting, she told me that she had a male friend that she hung out with and did things with. Ok, fine. I happened to call her one evening to say hello and she was in the car with him after being out to dinner. Unknowing, I said to call me when she could and I closed with an "I love you". She couldn't say it back. I felt this was very very odd and when she called me back I asked her about it. She then told me that this friend was actually an ex boyfriend from years back that they decided to stay as friends. That she didnt reply with an "I love You", because HE would not understand how she could say or feel this after just meeting me and just about a month. Odd I thought. When I went to her house for the first time, I noticed allot of stuff in the basement and garage that would have been his. She told me a story of how he would spend time there because he moved back in with his parents during a career change and going back to school. I asked if they were still intimate (which she could have said none of my business) but said that they had a slip 2-3 months ago. I told her my confusion on an ex still being a friend and that there was a reason he was an ex. We had a heart to heart and asked what she wanted of me. She said it would be nice if I would meet him. I said I would and it appeared to floor her. I also noticed that in the early morning (4:30am) she would pop online messenger and not reply at times to my IM's. It would go idle, then back online and idle until she went off to her work commute. I asked her about it and she said her morning routine was to listen to music and get ready for work. I said ok. Well, it all came to a head when one early morning while we were sleeping, she talked in her sleep. She said it was ok for her and her friend to have sex, because I was not around. I did not say anything about it thinking it was subconcience. The next weekend we spent the long weekend doing many things together. His belongings and presense and even she spoke of him many times including one statement she said to me that she wondered if he was wondering what she was up to. I said, well if he was wondering, he has your cell and home number, he knows your email so he would have contacted her. So on the Sunday, she asked if I wanted to look at the pictures she took on her phone. She accidentaly hit the call log and i saw his name entry sandwiched around my recent calls. I asked her about it and she said she forgot talking to him. I was hurt and told her I needed to leave and have time to think. She tried to block my car and just kept sobbing that she screwed up again.

We talked on the phone for hours and I went back the next day to talk. I find out that she lied about the morning routine and that she talked to him at times from 4:30am or until 11pm when she went to sleep. She told me that the sex slip with him was more recent (said it was just before we met but I still dont believe it) and she said months to try to distance it from when she met me. She said she would stop connection with him and I told her to do whatever she wanted and needed. I would not tell her what to do.

So several dreams later and now with another guys name in it, I asked her about this other guy. She told me her story about him and that he was a MM and they would meet for drinks and sex at times. I was floored, but it was before me. After some other things, I felt she was not being honest with me again and I took any belongings I had at her place and said that things just didnt feel right. That we needed to talk about all this and the lies. That it was and did create a trust issue (I lived 90 miles from her also).

We had a conversation one night, I told her I would stand by her and listen and not leave that night at least. She told me how she would meet the MM on Fridays or go away on long weekend once or twice a year with him. This was for 3 years now. She said the chemistry was there and that she asked if he was married and he lied to her as she knew it differently. She did not confront him, but used the situation to get some of her needs filled. She did this through the relationship with this exbf/friend as well. She showed me her cell bills and it showed how she talked to me and them and all sandwiched together. I got to see the brutal honesty of her calling these other guys after we had dates. But it also showed her travels to him on Friday night and that it lasted longer than she said. We somehow worked through this all, but it still haunts me. I stumble on stuff like his business cards, pictures from trips on her PC. I tell her that it bothers me to see it. She does not take the time to remove it. It sometimes creeps into intimate moments when I flash to a picture I wish I had never stumbled on of him coming out of the same bed I sleep in with her at times. She has lied about other things that all seem to focus around other guys in her past. It drives me nuts as the trust cornerstone was kicked out and I struggle to hope it slides back.

I love her what seems to be unconditionally based on all this working through. She does not seem to regret some of these things that hurt me or when I say things pop out, she says that "I guess you will never forget". I wished sometimes I never knew or saw the details, but that may be a blessing in disguise in the long run.

I do love her, but the damage is deep. I question the character, but I am not her judge.

Time has not healed this and I am only deeper in love. When we are together it is glorious, when we are apart for whatever reasons, I fear and go crazy at times.

Confused and glad to at least type it out. TY

[Whyme_wtf]

As an added note, yes we went to counseling to help as well.

[Cobra_X30]

Is that the best woman you can get? Surely your not that desperate?

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I'm with Cobra.

 

It seems there are so few DECENT men in this world, and you're one of the them. It's a crying shame one of the good ones is being wasted on someone who clearly doesn't deserve him.

 

I realize you didn't ask for advice - that your post was more of a vent. But being honest, I wouldn't trust this woman to take out my garbage, much less trust her with my heart and emotions.

 

Good luck to you.

[Bryanp]

Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to know what type of person she is? She has been playing you from the beginning. She is a player and has shown you constant disrespect. If you do not respect yourself then who will. I agree with the others. Surely you can do better than this. I would suggest you have yourself checked for STD's. You need to reread what you have written. You would have to be an absolute fool to trust her about anything. If you stay with her then for some reason you like this drama. Seriously I think you would have to be somewhat masochistic to remain with this woman. Surely you could do better than this. It is hard to imagine that you could do worst.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wish I knew what to say. Its apparent you need her, but sometimes the things we need are the worst things we could do to ourselves. You need her like a crack addict needs crack, and that's pretty bad. The best you can hope for is that you find a way out of this addiction, and into the life of a woman who is far more deserving than this one is.

[cj1988]

You seem like a good man, she is a player for sure and very selfish....leave her now and get out while you can.....NO LOVE is worth being with a liar !

[Whyme_wtf]

Is that the best woman you can get? Surely your not that desperate?

 

No, I am not desperate. I have tryed NC so many times, but I get sucked back in.

I am not a player and don't understand the mentality even though I see it out there and in her.

I also know that the person I am is to please and "make nice" even when I am really not ready.

I don't know how to be the bad guy and just back out and stay out.

[Cobra_X30]

No, I am not desperate. I have tryed NC so many times, but I get sucked back in.

I am not a player and don't understand the mentality even though I see it out there and in her.

I also know that the person I am is to please and "make nice" even when I am really not ready.

I don't know how to be the bad guy and just back out and stay out.

 

Players are selfish, so to understand one just imagine that you only care about yourself and that you will lie cheat and steal to get what you want.

 

Yes, I can see that you are a "people pleaser" so to speak. That you gain happiness from making those around you happy.

 

You want to end it with her... use your anger! Hold it tight an nourish it with hard thoughts. Now when she calls you focus on the good things she does... instead think only of the bad. Soon she will be just a bad memory and you can move on to a woman who truely appreciates you!

[Whyme_wtf]

You want to end it with her... use your anger! Hold it tight an nourish it with hard thoughts. Now when she calls you focus on the good things she does... instead think only of the bad. Soon she will be just a bad memory and you can move on to a woman who truely appreciates you!

Cobra, Thank you for a mantra and method to help me through. I appreciate it.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra, Thank you for a mantra and method to help me through. I appreciate it.

 

Be strong! You deserve more that table scraps. You will only be given that which you demand!

 

Best of Luck!

 

If you ever feel weak to her come back!

[Whyme_wtf]

Be strong! You deserve more that table scraps. You will only be given that which you demand!

Thanks. I feel she just really got messed up by guys in the past and now does not know how to have a "real" sustaining relationship.

She says the right words when things are nice and going good. She just does not know how to face the tough stuff and answer honestly when it counts.

I kind of know now why she cried "I messed up again" when I discovered the first lie and was leaving to think things out.

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks. I feel she just really got messed up by guys in the past and now does not know how to have a "real" sustaining relationship.

She says the right words when things are nice and going good. She just does not know how to face the tough stuff and answer honestly when it counts.

I kind of know now why she cried "I messed up again" when I discovered the first lie and was leaving to think things out.

 

You cant save her. You cant fix her. You cant teach her. These are choices she made... and only she can deal with them. If she cannot be honest with you... then she does not appreciate your support or love.

 

She will always say what you want to hear, so dont listen to her words they mean nothing. Listen to her actions instead.

 

Why do you think she said that when you left after the first lie?

[Whyme_wtf]

Why do you think she said that when you left after the first lie?

 

To suck me back into it. To continue to manipulate me.

So how do I bring it up now with her. I can't wait for the next lie. I am trying to figure out how to approach her on it and say that I just plain don't and never will trust her.

[serial muse]

So how do I bring it up now with her. I can't wait for the next lie. I am trying to figure out how to approach her on it and say that I just plain don't and never will trust her.

 

I think that's exactly what you say - that you've realized you simply don't trust her and you don't want to live that way, always wondering about the next lie.

 

Please stay strong, and find a way to break free of her - you owe it to yourself. In no way are you going to be the bad guy for taking care of you.

[Cobra_X30]

To suck me back into it. To continue to manipulate me.

So how do I bring it up now with her. I can't wait for the next lie. I am trying to figure out how to approach her on it and say that I just plain don't and never will trust her.

 

Yes, Muse is correct.

 

Tell her the truth of why you no longer want to be with her. Why?

Because she may learn from this. She will see the truth of why you no longer want her... and it will hurt.

 

I would just drop that bomb the next time you two talk. Simple, honest, effective.

[MystifiedByMen]

No, I am not desperate. I have tryed NC so many times, but I get sucked back in.

I am not a player and don't understand the mentality even though I see it out there and in her.

I also know that the person I am is to please and "make nice" even when I am really not ready.

I don't know how to be the bad guy and just back out and stay out.

 

I would end all contact and find something you really like to do. For example, hire a personal trainer at a gym. Maybe you'll meet a nice woman at the gym. Try to get involved in social functions to keep your mind off her. Find things to fill the time you spent with her in a postivie way. Then, when you least expect it, you'll find someone worth your time.

[Whyme_wtf]

Thanks MBM, I appreciate your feedback.

I am not worried about the finding somebody part or the somebody finding me. I am outgoing and involved in many things and also enjoy being with just me too.

It is the difficulty in breaking a bond with someone you care about. Like an earlier post, I just need to put the face of the hurt on when I need to.

Not easy for me as I do not enjoy hurting people even if they had hurt me. That at times is a curse to me.

[Whyme_wtf]

Well, I am writing some things down in the plans to tell her this coming weekend that I fear the trust will never be returned.

I have tried so many things and posting here has helped me understand some things better.

I see her truely as being a selfish person when the rubber hits the road. I am writing a sort of timeline of events and lies and dishonesty things to really show myself (and her if she dares ask) of the repeatitive natural of her dishonesty with me. Keeping it close will keep me mad and pissed.

I can control what little temper i really do have so I need to channel the madness into the energy I will need.

If all I think I will say goes down, she will have me boxed up and tucked away by Monday.

[Cobra_X30]

Bravo!

 

No more doormat impersonation for you!

[Whyme_wtf]

I broke contact with her this past Saturday after I told her that I do not think that I can ever trust her again. I left her house and did not go back. She started texting and voicemailing me of how terrible I was in doing this. Started telling me all the ways I was bad and would shut her out on things like this, how I feel too much, etc.

It is tough, but her reactions help me from falling back in because they keep me somewhat mad that she mudslings when I have something I am struggling with.

I have not talked to her on the phone since Saturday night which is the longest break since meeting her 14 months ago.

[Whyme_wtf]

I broke NC and had a face to face. The purpose was to give it to her in black and white face to face. All the things she did to make me hurt and not trust. So I had a list of Lies and ommisions; red flags; Points of Pain; things I have stumbled across, etc.

After me laying this all out she said nothing. Not a single word of "I will never do that again". Not a single thing other than "I know you do not deserve to feel the pain, or have done to you what was done."

All I can say is WTF?

I don't know if I did the face to face to measure her reaction so I could get more angry or what.

I have to get off this F*&K*&G rollercoaster.

I havce started a letter to just say "no more" because I can't seem to do it face to face.

Help.....

[Cobra_X30]

What were your expectations with a face to face? How did you want her to react?

[Whyme_wtf]

What were your expectations with a face to face? How did you want her to react?

No expectations, I just needed to get my feeling out so she understood the magnitude of how she treated me. Her non-reaction merely gave me afirmation of who she is and how she treats people in a selfish manner.

[Cobra_X30]

No expectations, I just needed to get my feeling out so she understood the magnitude of how she treated me. Her non-reaction merely gave me afirmation of who she is and how she treats people in a selfish manner.

 

Good! Do not let her reaction... or lack of reaction drive you to spend more time even thinking about her!

 

Let her go! NC, and start the healing process. I know your going to walk away from this just fine!