I'm having trouble dealing with the loss

[serendip]

Hi newbie here...to make a long story short

 

-I met my ex 13 yrs ago...instantly there was fireworks(we were both young)

-We spent a summer together and then had a year long distance relationship

-I broke up with her b/c she was just starting college and I had just finished. My intention was to have her experience college without being tied down. While it was a good intention I realized what I did and try to win her back...by that time it was too late she was too hurt by me and I became crazy dude with the constant phone calls. It was not cool. So we didn't talk for many many years

 

-fast forward to 15 relationships and 10 yrs later...I was on my way to the airport...was late for a plane to La Paz Bolivia....and walking across the street was her

-Instantly there was fireworks, I contacted her after I got back from my trip and we spent a wonderful 10 months together...we both never been happier in our lives. She said I was her one and only true love.

-Then reailty set in....she always dreamed of working in the west coast but my career was here along with a new house I just purchased. So we decided to do the long distance thing again(she planned on coming back in 2 yrs). After I got adjusted to it...everything was beautiful...I thought.

-When I went to visit her in Christmas...I found out she was emotionally cheating on me with a surfer dude(emails and phone calls)

-I was devestated...after everything that has happen to us...given our 2nd chance and all. I never took her for granted and made sure she felt loved everyday she was with me.

-I try to work things out with her and in April I finally forgave her and we were happy again when she visited me

-But then in May the Surfer guy came back into town and she went out behind my back with the guy and lied to me about it. I was suspicious so I checked her email(she gave me the password at christmas) and found out they went out. I flipped and told her "GOOD RIDDANCE".

-Then she called and wanted to talk things over but I found out she started dating the guy right after we broke up.

 

-I became crazy guy again...I wrote fake emails pretending to be surfer dude's ex talking garbage about the guy. I wanted to screw with her head like she did with mine. It was a terrible act of revenge...and I felt so guilty I ended up telling her about it. This time she flipped out at me.

 

-It's been 4 months since we broke up and we had NC for 2 months until I came back from a trip 2 weeks ago. She wrote me a email apologizing for what she did but she can't get over the horrible thing I did and she went on saying...

 

I really had the feeling when I was with you that you were the right guy for me long term (I even told you a few times that I wanted to marry you.). You made me so happy and I loved being with you. I had the sense of security and love from you that nobody else has ever given me. I really did love you a lot.

 

-So I wrote her back a nice email apologizing for what I did and saying if she ever felt like talking...to give me a call since in her previous email she wish we could talk about things

 

She replied with...

 

i don't think I am ready to talk to you again (if ever). i am still not 100% recovered from everything and still feel somewhat traumatized and confused.

 

So I replied by saying how our situation was similiar to my neigbor and she berated me in her next email...she try to justify what she did and called me manipulative b/c I was screwing with her head

 

So I wrote her a long email(fair and balance) saying what I did wrong and saying what she did wrong...but the next day I felt bad about everything and just wrote her this

 

...just disregard my last email...there is no point in rehashing the past over and over again. We'll just end up getting each other more upset and angry with one another. Just forget about me and move on and be happy. You are a beautiful person(I truly believe that) and you deserve a great guy...someone that can give you the happiness that you deserve.

 

It's been a week and she hasn't reply. I don't know what to do...it's a friggin soap opera.

 

I still have feelings for her and I don't know what to do. I still think she has feelings for me. But I know we can never be together unless we live in the same city and go through couselling...there's too much damage done

 

and I think I care for this person too much to disassociate from the "hurt"

 

it's crazy and I was doing well with the NC until she emailed me and now I'm back to square one...obssesively thinking about things

 

...maybe I should develop a drinking and drug habbit to get my mind of things...(joking)

[Saxis]

I really had the feeling when I was with you that you were the right guy for me long term (I even told you a few times that I wanted to marry you.). You made me so happy and I loved being with you. I had the sense of security and love from you that nobody else has ever given me. I really did love you a lot.[/Quote]

 

This is a line of complete BS. If she was that serious, she wouldn't go behind your back to another fling. I heard this exact same thing when I found out my wife made out on our front porch with a guy that walked her home from the bar. 2 months later... "I want a divorce...." Right..... true love right there. You're not missing anything by not being with her. She'd just set you up for more hurt later down the road. Get yourself involved in new activities, keep yourself busy. That's the best thing that is working for me.

[serendip]

I've been keeping busy. I've even started dating...actually alot. But I'm not into it.

 

She's just always on my mind. Sometimes I hate her for what she did....sometimes I love her for all the good times we had.

 

But I know I can't fix this and most people would wonder why I would want to get back together with her after all the bad things that happen.

 

Can't really explain...it's just the thought of having found each other again after 10 yrs only to lose each other all over again. It sucks.

 

From what I gather from her mindset she doesn't acknowledge what she did as that bad(emotional cheating) and thinks I am the devil's spawn for what I did

 

So if we can't see eye to eye...we can't reconcile

[Spinderella]

i think probably you over romanticised things because you met again after ten years. it made it all seem meant to be, and made it hard for you to accept her cheating which is why you over reacted. it sounds as though she does feel bad but is also afraid of your loss of control.

what now for you though?

really you need to get over her and not be in contact with her again. stop thinking about the fact that you met again after ten years. just look at the facts of this relationship as it was the second time around, and isolate that from the first time.

was it a good relationship really? no. she cheated on you, you acted out of control in return. those are the real facts of this relationship.

once you realise that and stop romanticising it, it will be easier to get over.

[serendip]

i think probably you over romanticised things because you met again after ten years. it made it all seem meant to be, and made it hard for you to accept her cheating which is why you over reacted. it sounds as though she does feel bad but is also afraid of your loss of control.

what now for you though?

really you need to get over her and not be in contact with her again. stop thinking about the fact that you met again after ten years. just look at the facts of this relationship as it was the second time around, and isolate that from the first time.

was it a good relationship really? no. she cheated on you, you acted out of control in return. those are the real facts of this relationship.

once you realise that and stop romanticising it, it will be easier to get over.

 

You are right in that I might be over-romanticising things because of the 'fate' factor. But actually I never believed in destiny...it was my ex who did. I worked hard at the relationship...when she moved to the west coast I made sure she felt loved and never lonely. I thought we were super close until the surfer guy came into the picture.

 

when she lived here...we were super happy...we never argued and always felt happy with each other. She always told me she felt like she didn't deserve me and how fortunate it was that we found each other again. She moved b/c it was her dream job before she met me and she figured at the time that if things were really meant to be for us it would work out despite the distance and it would be a good test of the relationship.

 

Then the cheating and my inability to disassociate from the emotions. I don't know...I'm just at a lost and confused over things. The only negative thing I could say about her before she cheated on me was she could be a little selfish at times and I called her on it.

 

No matter what...it's just tough

 

I feel like I'm in a live production of 'Rashomon'....there is her version of events that occurred and there is my version of events and somewhere in between is the truth and in the middle is the broken body of our relationship.

[serendip]

My ex just emailed me this...

 

Sorry to hear about your friend. I hope he is OK.

 

in response to my previous email

...just disregard my last email...there is no point in rehashing the past over and over again. We'll just end up getting each other more upset and angry with one another. Just forget about me and move on and be happy. You are a beautiful person(I truly believe that) and you deserve a great guy...someone that can give you the happiness that you deserve.

 

Anyway this tragic event happened to my friend put things into perspective. Life is too short to hold on to resentments...or to have regrets. We got to live it and try to be happy as best as we can.

 

Goodbye

 

Do I bother responding with 'thanks'...or just leave it?

 

It's pretty tough...I was alright with not hearing from her until she emailed me 2 weeks ago. Now I feel like I'm back to square one.

[Spinderella]

i think whatever you write to her, you are hopeful for a reaction and even if you dont respond you are hoping for a reaction. i think it may be best just to be honest and after thanking her for her concern for your friend say something like "look, theres nothing i can do about how i acted back then. i was really in pain, but that doesnt make it any better. i do wish you the very best but i am going to take some time out to get over this. i would like to be friends one day, if you would too, but not yet."

then just do some mending on yourself.

at least if you are open and honest and mature about recognising your own mistakes, then you know you left things in a good way this time around. you are lucky in a way that you have been given a second chance to leave in a dignified manner. i think this will make you feel better about yourself and leaving this relationship in a positive way.

[serendip]

i think whatever you write to her, you are hopeful for a reaction and even if you dont respond you are hoping for a reaction. i think it may be best just to be honest and after thanking her for her concern for your friend say something like "look, theres nothing i can do about how i acted back then. i was really in pain, but that doesnt make it any better. i do wish you the very best but i am going to take some time out to get over this. i would like to be friends one day, if you would too, but not yet."

then just do some mending on yourself.

at least if you are open and honest and mature about recognising your own mistakes, then you know you left things in a good way this time around. you are lucky in a way that you have been given a second chance to leave in a dignified manner. i think this will make you feel better about yourself and leaving this relationship in a positive way.

 

Thanks for your advice. But I think she doesn't want me to respond thus the one line email.

 

Also she might still be angry with me or feel bad b/c in her previous email...she was berating me for I did without taking any responsibility for cheating and I sent a balance and fair reply stating what I did wrong and what she did wrong without judgement.

 

All I know is I'm confuse about things....on one hand I still have feelings for her but I know we can't get back together. From this experience, I learnt that human relationships can be so fragile...one moment you love each other so much and you feel like you are on top of the world and the next moment everything you dream, hope and love disappears. I suppose you have to enjoy the time together good or bad b/c you never know how things will turn out.

[Spinderella]

yes, you are probably right not to respond then. you know best i should think. give yourself some time to get over the confusion, thats the hard part with conversing when you are still not over it. not only does it throw up feelings but you respond with your own confused feelings. let things settle and work on settling your own emotions.

[serendip]

Yeah...have to get over the confusion

 

one moment i cared about her deeply...the next...I'm piss at her for what she did(I'm also not happy with how i reacted).

 

Even if she wrote me and told me she made a big mistake and that she still loved me...I wouldn't know what I would do

 

I'm not sure if we can ever get back together b/c the trust is completely gone in our relationship

 

I don't know if I can trust her ever again or she would trust me again

 

I just don't see her as the same person anymore and that's difficult to swallow