Just realized I love her... after 2 months of NC

[mikeraw]

Hello,

 

I'm new to this forum and I am embarrassed to only have joined it after finding myself in this current situation. I will greatly appreciate ANY advice from anyone on this forum, but keep in mind that this is someone I really want to be with again and I simply need to either crash and burn, or get her back.

 

FIRST, A LITTLE PERSONAL BACKGROUND:

 

I'm a 27 yr old engineer, tall, physically (well, reasonably) attractive, talented, and very cultured. But before anything I'm a male in his prime and until recently wanted to be as much of a womanizer as I could. I was raised to be a good guy and a complete gentleman, and I think that's the reason I was never extremely successful with women. For the past year, however, I have disregarded most of what my parents instilled with me in terms of treatment of women and my success witn women has skyrocketed since then.

 

MY CURRENT SITUATION:

 

On Saturday, June 9, 2007 I met a gorgeous girl at a club. I was coming down some stairs and we made extremely brief eye contact. I walked away from my friends and headed in her direction. I was drunk. Wasted. (Weeks later, she would tell me that she liked my aggressive, self assured attitude she noticed at that club.) Yet I don't know how I did it, but I got her number. I also told her that on Monday I had to go overseas for business, so I could only see her on Sunday (because I assumed that that original spark, that connection, would fizzle if we waited a week to meet.) Sure enough, we met up on Sunday. I had a couple of beers, she didn't drink anything because as a nurse, she had to work the graveyard shift that night. After about 2 hours we kissed and she went to work and I went to keep partying with my friends.

 

While I was in Mexico we IM'd each other like little kids at all hours of the night/day, exchanged pictures, and spoke of our desire to see each other again ASAP. I got back to Houston that Friday completely and utterly exhausted. I called to tell her that I might not be able to go out but she told me she really wanted to see me and quite honestly so did I. We hung out, we kissed, I went home with her, spend the night at her house (no sex) and then saw her again on Sunday night. We got along great, etc, etc... We became intimate soon afterwards.

 

At this point, I considered her just another conquest, someone to keep seeing for physical gratification. I went out of town for business and still kept in touch. I went out with other girls on the side, but I was with her throughout all this. We argued because she was too clingy, too needy, and I needed my space. At the end of July, I went to visit my terminally ill father in Central America. We left after having argued. While I was in my country I realized that this girl had always been an angel to me (it's true, she went out of her way for everything), while I treated her like crap. Not once did I take her out to dinner, for instance.

 

While in my country, I resolved to start being a better person to her. She had a trip planned to Vegas for the day I returned. So I wouldn't be able to see her until early August. Assuming that things would be as they always were, I went about my womanizing ways. When she got home she told me she didn't want to see me again. That it was over, etc. I said "FINE" and we didn't speak again. I called a few times to try to fix things and wrote her emails a few times as well. Nothing. I'm a proud person. I didn't insist.

 

Last week, starting around Monday, September 17, I started thinking about her all day. On Thursday night I went to a club I knew she liked, hoping to see her. We met while we were both going in, no line, so it was brief. Simple "hi, bye" greeting. I saw she was alone with her girlfriends. I went around womanizing, I don't think she saw anything.

 

On Friday, hungover at work, I just got up frmo my desk and went to her house. Her sister opened the door, I went in, saw her standing in the living room, grabbed her forearm and took her to her room to talk. (Same decisiveness I had displayed before). I poured out my heart like I've never done, told her I loved her, missed her, etc. I tried kissing her a few times, got close, but couldn't. She told me she didn't know what to say. To give her time to think about things. Not to pressure her. So I was walking out of her house, we briefly kissed on the lips.

 

She worked on Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night. On Saturday, September 22, I turned 27. I called her and told her it was my bday, that I didn't want to hear any bad news on my bday, and not over the phone. We set up lunch for this Sunday, September 23. On my bday, I went out, got wasted, hooked up with a couple of girls, etc. I got home that night and noticed a new email on gmail. Luckily I didn't check it and I went to sleep. Sunday morning, the same day we had agreed to have lunch, I checked it. She told me she had gone to visit her ex of 4 years to Michigan the previous weekend and that they were getting back together and that she was moving back to her home state of Wisconsin in January.

 

At that moment, I showered, got dressed and raced to her house. She opened the door and I spent about 30 mins telling her how I missed her, lvoed her, every second = eternity, etc... She blew off every attempt I made of kissing her, accusing me of drinking too much, etc. She then told me that she needed time to think. I asked how long. "I don't know, about a week". I told her time is something we didn't have, what with she moving and all. She told me not to pressure her. I left.

 

I called 2 hours later leaving a pathetic message on her phone about how much I missed her. No answer or reply. I went out on Sunday during the day. At night I texted her saying "Good night. I love you". To this day, Sept. 25, no reply.

 

MY PLAN OF ACTION:

 

Since I was such an ass to her, I never really payed attention of where exactly she worked. I know it's an ICU in a local hospital. So I've been adviced to give her a week. On Saturday or Sunday I'm going to deliver flowers to her work aiming for a couple of hours before she gets in.

 

I expect a thank you call or email... I don't expect a miracle, I expect something more along the lines of "thanks, but no thanks".

 

QUESTION:

 

How do I get her back? She says she's getting back with her ex of 4 years. Might be true, might not. But nothing is impossible, so I intend to go down swinging. So I need advice. Please... I ahve already tried the no contact thing. For 2 months! And the way I see it, the fact that she broke up with someone after four years makes it look more like a virtual divorce than anything else, so I still have a chance. In my mind, I think.

 

I still have to do a little detective work to find out exactly what ICU she works in, etc... Might look like a stalker, so if you can think of anything that can facilitate me finding this info, I would appreciate it. I prefer to send her flowers at work so that she can be flattered in front of her friends. My original plan was to send them to her apartment.

 

Please, someone advice me on how to get this gorgeous girl back. Thanks to all in advance!

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Sorry man, not to be mean, but you make me think of the type of guy that helps women relize their previous long term relationship (marriage, engagement, boyfriend) was not all that bad.

 

I dont have alot of experience in this area, but I do not think she will come back to you and stay with you.

[KittenMoon]

Please, someone advice me on how to get this gorgeous girl back. Thanks to all in advance!

 

The way you've described yourself, I hope this girl runs, and runs fast. Being with a manipulative, fickle womanizer is no woman's dream.

 

You wanna get and keep any decent girl? Get a handle on yourself and give up this course of action. Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing- but stick to woman who are cool with this lifestyle.

[mikeraw]

These are the words of a destroyed man. A person filled with shame and regret. Someone willing to right his wrongs. You're right that I've acted like a jerk with this girl, but I am willing to do anything to get her back. It was all a matter of timing... Everything from a busy business schedule to an impending family tragedy screwed up my way of thinking.

 

I've had my fun now I want to make things right with this angel that I treated like nothing more than a sex object.

 

I need her back in my life. I have trouble going to sleep thinking of this girl and every waking second I have to restrain myself from calling her in order not to seem annoying and desperate. I already lost all dignity this weekend by literally kneeling and kissing this girl's belly and telling her that I love her.

 

Please look past the a**hole that I descrbied and realize that I was not the person that treated her bad.

[KittenMoon]

Why is it you only wanted her so much after she rejected you?

[Spinderella]

You havent just acted like a jerk to this woman, you have acted like a jerk to ALL women by the sounds of it.

Even when you were in the midst of telling her you had changed you were going out and womanising.

Please dont now start stalking the poor woman.

[mikeraw]

The reason I went into detail about how I've been womanising lately is precisely because up until recently I hadn't been very successful with women because women want a bad boy, someone they can't tame, whereas I was brought up to be a good husband, not an untameable rebel.

 

In my 27 yrs I've only had one serious girlfriend. We went out for 3 years in our early twenties, but before that, we had been BF and GF when we were 13... stayed together on and off for the the next 7 years before she finally succumbed to my courting. I guess I grew on her... like a fungus. Anyways, when we broke up I was devastated for 2 yrs, and being the proud person that I am, I never pursued her and during those 2 yrs I always regretted not even trying to get her back even though I was completely devastated.

 

After that relationship I decided to get as much tail as possible and that's what I've been doing until now. Until this girl creeped into my heart recently. She's not physically perfect, so it's not a superficial desire. It's just me trying to be a gentleman to her. I WAS NOT RAISED TO TREAT WOMEN HOW I TREATED HER. I FORCED MYSELF TO BE A JERK TO HER. I was scared to get hurt again like that other, only GF I've ever had.

 

You girls know more about love than me. I'm cpletely ignorant in these matters. I merely wish to make this girl happy just as she made me happy.

[mikeraw]

The reason I forced myself to be a jerk to women is because that's what women want. I know I should aim for the middle ground but I went to the extreme in order to do what any normal guy in his mid-20's: get as much tail as possible. All my friends that got married early envy the fact that now, during their prime, they can't do the things I do.

 

Can you not realize that during the course of one of my regular hook ups I happened to meet someone worth changing for?

[Spinderella]

Sorry, its just that, being a woman, phrases like "get as much tail as possible" make me feel just a little bit queasy

Clearly you dont know the first thing about women and how to respect them.

[mikeraw]

I came here humbly asking for help, not to be judged. I deserve this judgement, but look past it, please, and help me out here a little. Have you never run into a repentant soul?

 

I do know what women want. I'm a total mama's boy, but I can't project that image if I want a woman's respect, can I? The reason I've dated so much in the past year is precisely because I know how to treat a woman... I've even dated 48 year olds and they always express the wish that I could date their daughters.

[reboot]

You say things like

I called her and told her it was my bday, that I didn't want to hear any bad news on my bday, and not over the phone. We set up lunch for this Sunday, September 23. On my bday, I went out, got wasted, hooked up with a couple of girls, etc.

with no more feeling that an alley cat would have.

 

You need to leave this girl alone and let her find a decent guy.

[Spinderella]

... I've even dated 48 year olds and they always express the wish that I could date their daughters.

 

I can see why they wanted rid of you, but passing you off onto their daughters is a bit much.

[mikeraw]

Talk about adding insult to injury. It's my fault, I think. I'm not thinking clearly and coming off as an arrogant jerk. I'm not, I promise. I'll be back later.

[Spinderella]

Ok, I think Kitten moon has made a good point about you only loving her when she rejected you. Are you sure that this rejection hasnt triggered the inadequacy issues you had before.

I think you may be starting to realise that while being a cocky arrogant jerk may get you alot of "tail", when it comes to being the kind of guy a woman loves, respects and wants to care, and be cared for by, you need to be a real and honourable person.

You cant fake this, its obvious at some point, even if not at first.

[norajane]

I've had my fun now I want to make things right with this angel that I treated like nothing more than a sex object.

 

Sometimes you can't make it right. Some women draw the line when they're fed up with crappy behavior and then you can't do anything to fix it. Consider this a lesson learned.

 

I need her back in my life.

 

It's not all about you and what you want and need. Just because you 'need' her, doesn't mean she's required to forgive you and let you back into her life.

[KittenMoon]

The reason I forced myself to be a jerk to women is because that's what women want. I know I should aim for the middle ground but I went to the extreme in order to do what any normal guy in his mid-20's: get as much tail as possible. All my friends that got married early envy the fact that now, during their prime, they can't do the things I do.

 

Ok, so you're saying you didn't want to be a jerk, but you think that's what women want, so you enacted that to "get tail" because that's what you should be doing as a 20-something, and obviously it must be because all your married friends are jealous... etc etc.

 

I can't even begin to explain everything that's really f-ed up about your statement.

 

But it boils down to this: What is it that YOU want?

 

Because you should not be doing anything other than what will get you there.

 

If it's a respectable, loving woman, you're obviously doing it wrong. If it's the alpha male idolization of all your poor, shackled married friends, then by all means, keep wracking up the numbers. If it's "tail"- you're getting it, end story.

 

You sound like you're falling under the spell of society's and others' expectations. You need to figure out what matters to you, and if that's not what you think the world says you should want, to hell with it. In relation to this girl, it sounds like SHE knows what she wants, and it's definitely not a womanizer. Think on it.

[madgun68]

Mike,

 

Before you go about trying to get her back, I think you need to think a little harder about whether or not you really do want to win her back for the right reasons or not. I say this because even just a few days ago you say you were out hooking up with other women.

 

You barely know her. Why are you chasing after an unknown? Being honest, I bet if you let in half the women you claim you're hooking up with, you'd likely realise that you could have felt the same about, had you let them in far enough.

 

What I'm wondering here, is what occured that turned her away? Did she find out what you've been doing? If this is the case, I think you're better off just letting her go. If she has trust issues with you this soon in, that's going to be very difficult to change because she just doesn't know you well enough. If you won her back, she'd likely run at the drop of a pin.

 

Give it thought.

[Trialbyfire]

Sometimes you can't make it right. Some women draw the line when they're fed up with crappy behavior and then you can't do anything to fix it. Consider this a lesson learned.

 

It's not all about you and what you want and need. Just because you 'need' her, doesn't mean she's required to forgive you and let you back into her life.

Exactly. It's about what she needs now. You've had your shot and blew it.

[Mike1966]

Mike,

 

You've been railed on enough so I won't go there. A couple of things.....

 

I'm sort of like you described yourself initially............I was raised with manners, nice guy, knew how to treat a lady......I'm tall, handsome, physically fit.............and, when I was younger, I'm talking very early twenties, I went through a period of being a little wild with girls, but, I never committed to anyone and didn't treat them badly.

 

I guess where I'm headed is, the fact that you loved this girl, yet several times went for other girls, makes me really think you need to re-evaluate who you are and what you want.

 

Stop thinking about getting this girl back. Don't make changes for her, make changes for you, because you know they're right, not based on whether or not you will win her back because then it will probably only be temporary anyway.

 

I can tell you this, I understand what you say about women being drawn to a confident man and there's nothing wrong with that. However, some women seem to be drawn to men who treat them badly, or they view the man as a "fix up project". I can tell you, IMO, these women weren't worth meeting in the first place.

 

There are many woman out there who long for a man to treat them with love and respect. Start looking for the right type of woman, treat them right with no head games and there's no telling what great things could happen!

 

Stop being someone who's just out to "get the girl", that's only temporary and you won't be attracting anyone of value anyway....IMO.

 

Again, make changes in yourself because they're who you WANT to be, because you know that it's the right way to be. If you're making changes to win a girl back it won't work anyway. It's got to be sincere.

[mikeraw]

I understand what all you guys are criticizing and that I've been a jerk. I didn't love her at the beggining. I just didn't give her enough attention. Nothing special made her stop seeing me. She just dropped off the radar.

 

Mike1966, appreciate your words. I've gone 4 years without a GF. I've been wanting to settle down for a while now. In hindsight, this girl is perfect and I want to be with her.

 

I'm asking for the best suggestions to get her back. People are taking her side and justly so. But there's no need to protect her from me or my actions. I'm not a psycho and I am very proud. But I do want her back and am willing to do anything.

 

Any helpful (towards me) suggestions?

[jmargel]

Mike.. that's the problem. You keep asking how to get her back like it's a game or something. Perhaps you don't want her, it's just that you don't want anyone else to have her.

 

If she is so important to you and you love her then that should mean above EVERYTHING else you would want her to be happy. If she is happy with her ex, or another man then you should be happy for her. That is what love is about.

 

There is no recipe that you can follow to get her back into your arms. The best thing you can do is to just let her know that you come to accept and regret how you treated her and that this is not an indication of future behavior by you. That you are working on yourself. Also that her happiness is the most important thing to her no matter if she is with you or someone else. And that you will leave her be, but will be willing to listen anytime she is willing to talk.

 

Then let it go. Start working on yourself and start setting short-term goals for yourself. You haven't quite matured enough emotionally and still quite confused from your posts. This is a huge learning experience for you.

[Trialbyfire]

Mike.. that's the problem. You keep asking how to get her back like it's a game or something. Perhaps you don't want her, it's just that you don't want anyone else to have her.

 

If she is so important to you and you love her then that should mean above EVERYTHING else you would want her to be happy. If she is happy with her ex, or another man then you should be happy for her. That is what love is about.

 

There is no recipe that you can follow to get her back into your arms. The best thing you can do is to just let her know that you come to accept and regret how you treated her and that this is not an indication of future behavior by you. That you are working on yourself. Also that her happiness is the most important thing to her no matter if she is with you or someone else. And that you will leave her be, but will be willing to listen anytime she is willing to talk.

 

Then let it go. Start working on yourself and start setting short-term goals for yourself. You haven't quite matured enough emotionally and still quite confused from your posts. This is a huge learning experience for you.

More excellent advice.

 

Listen up Mike. Let's pretend you get her back and then realize she wasn't what you wanted in the first place. What would you do then? Dump her like a hot rock again? Neglect her?

 

What guarantees does she have that you won't revert?

 

Think about her.

[mikeraw]

I don't want this to be a learning experience and I don't want her with anyone else. You have to be selfish in these things because if I don't think of my own well-being, then who will? The girl? Come on. She's basking in the glory of a conquered and dominated heart. Just one more notch in her belt.

 

She made me happy and I'm sure that I could make her happy. I only have good memories of that relationship, everything that I did on the side didn't have anything to do with us because she didn't find out. It sounds cold, but it's the truth. The reasons that she distanced herself completely have to deal mostly because I didn't do her every bidding, didn't cuddle all the time with her after sex. Check out the first item:

 

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/20955254/

 

I also couldn't really be with her physically because of my travels and her schedule.

 

No matter what, I'm going to pursue her. Why is it that of all the girls I've seen lately, this is the only one that I feel anything for? I know I have to learn a lesson, but not with her, not like this. Nothing is impossible and I merely ask for help to get her back.

 

I've always believed that women are smarter than men. I'm sure that a girl in this position could eventually prevail. May I please receive some advice on how to do this, no matter how Machiavellian it is?

 

A friend of mine that just saw this forum says that it's good that I get a 3rd person's opinion. She also tells me that a cold look at my case makes you guys bashing me right. But my friend knows that I'm agood person. Can you work under that assumption?

 

Thanks.

[reboot]

Read jmargel's post again VERY carefully. That's about as good as advice is going to get in your situation. It's up to this girl to decide if she wants to be with you, it isn't about playing games and tricking her into it. Tell her how you feel and let her decide.

 

Honestly,

I don't want her with anyone else

This really sums it all up doesn't it? I'm personally pulling for the ex.

[norajane]

She's basking in the glory of a conquered and dominated heart. Just one more notch in her belt.

 

Is that what you really think of her? Then you are never going to win her over.

 

Dude, you were the one that treated her badly, now she's not interested in going for another round. She's not sitting around gloating about another notch in her belt. She's trying to protect herself from being another notch in yours...again.