Finally wrote THE letter. What do you think?

[niceguy27]

Well, I think I joined everyone else on here that wrote out a letter. I wanted to share it. We have talked about things a couple times but only shortly. She is bad with expressing her feelings. So this is kind of a last puke for me on everything that I didn't get to cover with her. I am tossing whether or not to just tell her this stuff or mail it to her. I would like some advice on what to do with it.

 

Oh and FYI...She is not with anyone else like I had previously thought. She just flat out doesnt have time to get caught up in anything. I just recently found that out. So here it is and thanks for bearing with me:

 

 

Let me ask you something? Do you still smile when you think about me? Do you feel comfortable and at ease when you think back to us? Do you ever compare me with others when you’re out? Do you think back to all the good times we had together? Do you wish that things could just be back to normal without the pressures? I sure do. And I bet anything that you do too. Why do we still think that? Because you and I shared something that most people will never have. If we’re mad, we are mad. If we’re stressed out, we don’t have to put on some stupid fake smile for each other. We were able to just be ourselves. Completely and wholly be ourselves. We got along great and we made each other into better people. We made a great team you and me. Do you remember that letter I wrote a few months back? It talked about the ways you made me smile. If you read that letter again and switch it around, I can almost guarantee that you still feel the exact same way. Your feelings may be hidden but they are not gone.

 

 

 

This past month has been quite the roller coaster for both of us. There are a few things that I have had time to think about the last month or so that I should of said before. Having this time has allowed me to look at it in a new perspective. So here is the BIG LETTER that you have probably been wondering about whether or not was going to come.

 

 

The first thing is if you don’t care so much about me, then why do you keep running away from your feelings? I know that you have all this stuff on your plate right now but I can also see that you are torn as to what the hell you should do. One part of you wants to open up and come back but the other part is fighting to do just the opposite. Do you think I don’t know this? ***, I know you will probably never admit that. I keep thinking “What is she trying to prove here? Why is she testing herself like this?” You shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone, ever. You are ambitious, beautiful, passionate, goal driven, and smart as hell. You are getting by and doing things on your own. So I am confused as to why you what you need to prove? I can see that is what you are doing. And it is hard on you. You have to put on this fake smile and front for everyone to see that you are doing ok. I know you well enough to know that you are just boiling inside and want to explode. All the crap you have to take from roommates, friends, school, and everybody else. All you want to do is focus on school and get through it. But now you have to deal with all the stupid drama of shallow people. You don’t really have a release for that stuff anymore and you’ve withdrawn inside yourself being angry and stressed all the time. Think about all this crap that you have to deal with and not being able to just be yourself. To not be able to come home and just flip on the t.v. and study in peace or to have a nice quiet place where it’s just you and your own thoughts. So I understand how you feel right now.

 

 

Secondly, I am confused about the way you look at this whole thing. I know you think that if you give in just a little bit, things will come rushing back to what they were. All the pressures and commitments of a relationship come flooding back. Do you really think that I don’t know that’s how you look at it? And would you really think I would expect that or try to have that back if we started talking again? I’m not blind. I know you better than that! I know that you are purposely trying to hold yourself back from your feelings. You have built this up so big that you think it has to be all or nothing with you and me. And that if it doesn’t live up to that, you feel that you are letting yourself or me down. Like you are afraid that if it’s too good to be true, something must be wrong so I just need to end it now. Nobody can predict what the future holds. To run and cut things off will not solve anything. You are still going to be torn on what to do with what you feel. I know you are trying to avoid me and everything about us by shutting off like that. You may have “checked out” a while before we broke up because you assumed that there was nothing else to be done so it was just easier than trying to face up to the situation. That still doesn’t hide how you really feel.

 

 

So why run from these feelings you have? Those are real. You don’t have to be so scared of them. I know you are hiding them from yourself. You are putting too much pressure on yourself to be different and “by yourself.” I see it when I look or talk to you. I can tell in the tone of your voice. I don’t know any other way than to just tell you so I am just going to say it. Drop the covering up how you feel and quit being so scared of what tomorrow brings. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the B.S. that you end up freaking yourself out. I can’t stress this enough. I know you Kara and I understand that you are at your breaking point. Nobody knows you like I do. You are doing everything against the grain and that is why you are so stressed and unsure of what to do. It is going against everything you are. Having time to yourself lately should show you what this world is really like. If you looked at it through that perspective, things would be a whole lot easier. Why not just enjoy today and not be so concerned about tomorrow?

 

 

Something else that I have learned is that I know I don’t “need” you in my life like I maybe came off as before. Not in a bad sense but a good one. It’s not healthy to “need” someone to make you happy. Being apart from you has made me see that I may not need you but I want you and I want to be part of your life. I want to share and enjoy the closeness that we had. I love having you as a part of my life. We just “fit” together so well. The only thing that went wrong was that we both relied too much on each other when we were together. More of me than you. I didn’t take the time I needed to with my friends and myself. I revolved too much around you and lost my some of myself by doing that. I needed time to get back to myself to where I was when we first met. Back to making decisions based on what I want and not what others want me to do. That is when I saw what I had been doing and how I had been acting recently.

 

 

**** this is the main reason for writing you this. I have to apologize for being so focused on “us” the last few months of our relationship. I lost sight of some things and that made me push you and act like the way I did. I am sorry for that. After having this time apart I look back now and all I think is, “Jesus! What a putz I was being!” I fought and **** over the stupidest things sometimes. It was because I had tried so hard to please everyone that I had some hidden anger about it and took it out on you. Remember how much fun you and I had together? Hanging out, partying, going to new places, and experiencing the world together. We had fun no matter where we were. I lost sight of that because I worried so much about making you happy that I forgot to make myself happy in the meantime. That made me focus all the more on you and I forgot to just have fun when we were together. There is no other way to really tell you this. I can see now with a lot clearer head that it was me pushing you away. Instead of cutting loose, having fun, and just enjoying things, everything was oh so serious all the time for me. It’s all hindsight now but I can see where things had started to go wrong. When you were starting your summer you just wanted to have fun and enjoy it. I understand that I put all this pressure on you and on us that you just couldn’t take it anymore. That is why I think you pulled away and I forgot to just have fun. That is where I lost you. And for that I am sorry.

 

 

So what is so wrong with trying again? Maybe not trying in a relationship sense but trying to get back in touch with each other. You still continue to do what you want. I still continue to do what I want. We won’t have to deal with all the bull*** that comes along with trying to please everyone all the time and not being able to be ourselves. I know you keep telling yourself that you’re not sure. Or you met someone else. Or you want to be single. Whatever the case may be we know now what to do and what not to do. We’ve had time apart from each other to clear our heads a little bit. Making it into some big, drawn out, heavily invested relationship again is the wrong thing to do. You know me better than that. And you know us better than that. There is a middle ground that can be found with you and me. You are worried that if you start to talk or hang out with me that I am going to want to go full force back into us. In no time flat, you think there will be this big, heavy investment of a relationship to worry about. And that is not what you want right now in your life. I know you are focused on school. But you also cannot forget about what YOU want too. Please yourself before you please others! Remember that advice. Remember the security and the feeling of knowing you had someone to lean on and talk to when you were stressed. Someone you could vent to and also someone who could make you forget all the bad things and put a smile on your face with a thoughtful text or a surprise gift or dinner. My point is quit thinking that it has to be 100% all the time with us or 0%.

 

 

I’ve given time to both you and me. I have given this A LOT of thought. This is something that I needed to say. I don’t know how else to get it across to you. We never really sat and talked for more than a few minutes about us. Never any real reason was given. If nothing comes from it then fine. These were some things that needed to be said that didn’t get said when we had talked a while ago. Why? I think I was too blinded to be able to admit that what I was doing was not right and I wasn’t being the person you fell in love with before. I tried to “fix” whatever was broken and couldn’t see the other reasons why things fell apart. Only after this time apart have I been able to look back and realize this. These are just some unfinished feelings that you need to hear from me.

 

 

You know how you feel about me. The sense of knowing that you are yourself completely when you are around me. No faking, no fronts, not lying to yourself. Remember the passion? The knowledge that you could open yourself up completely to me in every way? You also know how I feel about you. Nobody else can tell you otherwise. No amount of talking or persuading can change your mind. I know this. You have to follow what you feel is the right thing to do. So be honest to yourself and follow what you feel. If it means going our separate ways then so be it. If it means not speaking and just moving on, then that is how it has to be. I needed you to hear this from me. I just never had a chance to tell you this stuff before.

 

 

 

I’m not expecting a phone call or anything from this. If things change then nothing has to be said. There will be no discussions about the past or what will happen in the future. No labels, no expectations, nothing. We just enjoy the moment. Have fun and take things like we did when we first met. There will be no direct talks or opening up of feelings (as I know you have a hard time with that). You have to remember that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There are compromises. We can both have the best of both worlds. This time around though, we know exactly what path to take to get us there. We know what went wrong. We have some time to look at this a little different than before. Don’t turn away from this. Trust what you think is right and I will honor whatever comes from it.

 

 

I have given you some breathing room and I hope you have had time to see whether or not you want to see where things go. Whether or not that includes me at all in your life is up to you. I have given everything I can to work with you on this and you know exactly how I feel and where I stand on things.

[Bosiell]

You have obviously put alot of time and feeling into this Niceguy. Very nice letter.

 

I know you have mentioned this in the letter itself to a fashion, but it is very important I feel that you do not let your expecations get carried away.

 

Good luck my friend.

[niceguy27]

Once she gets the rest of her things out, all physical connections will be cut. I want to get all this out before that happens. Afterwards, its up to man above to decide my fate.

[Bosiell]

Afterwards, its up to man above to decide my fate.

 

Him and more importantly, you.

[reboot]

Still ignoring all the advice I see.

 

Oh well, we all have to walk our own path and I ignore most of the sound advice I'm given also.

[niceguy27]

I was waiting for your response!

 

I dont think I am going to mail it. I have had it stamped for a few days now just sitting on my table. It has all my unifinished feelings and stuff wrapped up in it and I wanted to get it all out. Like I said, a final upchuck of my feelings.

 

I know I should man up to her and call it all off without a care in the world. But would of, should of, could of gets us all.

[reboot]

And it's way easier said than done isn't it?

[too old for this]

Hate to be negative but I doubt they'll even read all of it.

[Sanslatete]

I wrote a similar letter, put my soul into it but it didn't change a thing. She's become a heartless bitch and probably shredded it straight after reading it. I wish you luck with yours.

[carrotgirl]

Nice Guy? I'm not a long time poster here but I wouldn't send her that letter. Mostly because it reads like you aren't telling her anything about you and your feelings almost at all. More like you're telling her how SHE feels and I bet that wasn't what you intended. Was it?

 

Carrot

[niceguy27]

yeah after reading it I took out ALL the stuff about how she feels. I dont know how she feels so why would I put that in there? I changed it up a bit and focused more on how I have been getting back to my "roots." Im not expecting anything to come of it. We never had any long drawn out talks about what happened. I only got upset in front of her once when we first broke up. I have kept my distance from her this whole time.

 

Whatever comes from it I dont know but after this ALL semblances of us are now gone and I will then worry about moving on. I have this time to be a little prepared for it. I appreciate your comments though.!!!

[carrotgirl]

That's cool. I definitely had one of those do I tell him or do I keep my big mouth shut moments. Sending good vibes for you and your letter.

 

Carrot

[Art_Critic]

Still ignoring all the advice I see.

 

Oh well, we all have to walk our own path and I ignore most of the sound advice I'm given also.

 

Agreed...

 

I also have done the letter thing and ignored the advice..

I wish I hadn't have sent the letter.. They never read them the way you want them to read.. they put their own filter or spin to it and you come out the loser...

 

Niceguy.. remember that some other guy is poking her..

You are no longer in a relationship with her.. you and she have split ways and are now going in different directions now..

 

What you wrote is very personal and heartfelt but she isn't the same person you were with and she won't read the same things into the letter that you are wanting her too..

I know you want her back.. but at the moment that isn't in the cards for you both..

Accepting that it is over.. that doesn't mean you have to forget her.. it just means she is now part of your past and not your present.

[Surfer Girl]

I sent a closure letter... I think your letter is a to long... Here is what I said...I worked as a family grief counsler for those that have passed away... So I felt somewhat compelled.... I do not regret the letter... I sent this letter on Sept 6th and have had no contact since... I feel good about the closure letter...

 

Perhaps this will be our last means of communication... Being in the business I was... I felt compelled to have some kind of closure...I know that you loved me at one time...as I did you... No regrets... I will always love you the rest of my life... Yes, I still hurt... You hold a special place in my heart...And I did not want our relationship to end.... I do realize you are in a different place and time... As I am also...I think both of us are seeing someone now and perhaps our past experience will teach us to be stronger in a relationship... I have wonderful memories and I am thankful for that...

 

I had become involved with someone... I realized I was trying to distract myself from the one I truely loved.... Since the letter I broke it off as he was becoming very attached and I did not want to hurt him.... What I realized I need this time to heal myself... We seem to travel the same roads and wave... I have been in NC since the letter and I had no response... But I felt the closure of the letter was something I will not regret... It has been over a month since the letter was sent... And I know I will not contact him again...

[niceguy27]

thanks again for responses. just to clarify that i am fairly positive that she isnt ''poking'' someone else. kind of into him? maybe. but the whoe idea is that this is the talk that we never had. things kind of ended in limbo. we talked about some stuff when we split but never this deep.

 

i know there is a chance that it wont be a magic fix all to us. but i know that i did what i could to see the big picture and make an effort with a clear head and plenty of time to think things through. i think the letter is clear and not clouded over by gushing emotions. its to the point and covers a lot of issues that we never dealt with which i think contrbuted to the split.

 

its been a little over a month and yeah, maybe this is me finding closure. once i get this off my chest i can then start to move on.

[Art_Critic]

You are doing fine Niceguy.. you are healing.. please don't mess it up by sending that letter..

 

The letter while heartfelt isn't a very becoming letter that someone you just broke up a month before would want to read..

If you both were still speaking with one another and both had a commitment to fix the relationship then a letter like the one you wrote would be something she would want to read..

 

Peace out...

[myhotrod123456789]

I too would strongly advise against sending the letter. I don't know what your dating history is, but if you have ever lost feelings for someone before, then you would know why sending this letter is not a good move. She obviously still cares for you as someone that she spent a lot of time with. And who knows, given enough time, she might start to develop feelings for you again. But this letter will not do it and will only hinder that goal!

 

She is choosing not to be with you because the feelings are not there. She is not waiting for an apology. She is not waiting to hear that you care for her. She is not waiting for anything from you. You will look back and realize that sending this letter was just giving away more of your self-respect. I am really not trying to be mean, but this is my two cents.

[funkybassplayer]

send it, otherwise it will be on your chest for ages, the things u have to say should be said to her, regardless of her if any responce, b/c you know you said all you had to. If your doing it for a responce then maybe its not time to send it, but if its to say what you have to in order for you to move forward, do it.

[niceguy27]

I am not expecting anything to come from sending this letter. Your right, she knows exactly how I feel. I changed up the letter quite a bit and took out ALL the "her feelings" parts of it. It basically sums up what I have learned during this time apart and what I believe were issues that we never dealt with when we were together. Me acting needy, putting others first and not me, being too focused on her and not the overall picture, etc.

 

All the stuff about trying to convince her WHY she should be with me was all taken out. I will repost it here if you want. Once I say these things I know I finally exhausted all my options and move on.

[niceguy27]

****, this is the main reason for writing you this. I have to apologize for being so focused on “us” the last few months of our relationship. I lost sight of some things and that made me push you away and act like the way I did. I am sorry for that. After having this time apart I look back now and all I think is, “Wow! What a putz I was being!” I fought and complained over the stupidest things. It was because I had tried so hard to please everyone for so long that I had some hidden anger about it and took it out on you and on us. Remember how much fun you and I had together? Hanging out, partying, going to new places, and experiencing the world together. We had fun no matter where we were. I lost sight of that because I worried so much about making you happy that I forgot to make myself happy in the meantime. That made me focus all the more on you and I forgot to just have fun when we were together. That made you pull further and further away. There is no other way to really tell you this. I can see now with a lot clearer head that it was me pushing you away. Instead of cutting loose, having fun, and just enjoying things, everything was oh so serious all the time for me. It’s all hindsight now but I can see where things had started to go wrong. When you were starting your summer you just wanted to have fun and enjoy it. I understand that I put all this pressure on you and on us that you just couldn’t take it anymore. Especially towards the end. I should have been there for you to be able to enjoy but instead I was too stubborn to change and see what I should have seen the whole time…You and me just enjoying life. That is why I think you pulled away and I forgot to just have fun. That is where I lost you. And for this I am sorry.

 

 

I have learned that I know I don’t “need” you in my life like I maybe came off as before. Not in a bad sense but a good one. It’s not healthy to “need” someone to make you happy. Being apart from you has made me see that I may not need you but I want you and I want to be part of your life. I forgot how nice it was to have time to myself and my friends. Instead of thinking I “need” you I see that I don’t. What went wrong was that we both relied too much on each other when we were together. More of me than you. I didn’t take the time I needed to with my friends and myself. I revolved too much around you and lost my some of myself by doing that. I needed time to get back to me. To where I was when we first met. Back to making decisions based on what I want and not what others want me to do. That is when I saw what I had been doing and how I had been acting recently. It is only now that I can look back and see that. Now that I have been back on my own, it is like a light bulb went off in my head and I see things in a completely different light. No longer do I think that EVERY single minute has to be spent with someone. No more sitting on the sidelines and not enjoying life. I know you did a lot on your own but I lost sight of that with myself. That is why at the end I seemed pushy and “needy” to you. The less I focused on myself, the more I pushed everything on you. With school and your schedule, it wasn’t fair of me to do that and put that pressure on you.

 

 

This past month has been quite the roller coaster for both of us. There are a few things that I have had time to think about the last month or so that I should of said before. Having this time has allowed me to look at it in a new perspective. So here is the BIG LETTER that you have probably been wondering about whether or not was going to come.

I have been confused about the way you look at this whole thing with me and you. I know you think that if you give in just a little bit, things will come rushing back to what they were. All the pressures and commitments of a relationship come flooding back. Do you really think that I don’t know that’s how you look at it? And would you really think I would expect that or try to have that back if we started talking again? I’m not blind. I know you better than that! You have built this up so big that you think it has to be all or nothing with you and me. I just can tell you enough that it won’t be like this. I am afraid that this is what you think. And that if it doesn’t live up to that, you feel that you are letting yourself or me down. Like you are afraid that if it’s too good to be true, something must be wrong, so you just need to end it now. Nobody can predict what the future holds.

 

 

I know you **** and I understand that you are at your breaking point with just about everyone and everything. Nobody knows this better than me. I really think that this time apart has been good. Having time to yourself lately should show you what this world is really like. If you looked at it through this perspective, things would be a whole lot easier.

I can’t promise you the world. Nobody can. Life is full of uncertainty and unknowns. Things could end tomorrow just like that. But the only thing I am sure of is do know what I can give you. I can give you honesty, compassion, friendship, and so much more ****. When things are this messed up and chaotic with life right now, knowing you have me to turn to should give you comfort and a sense of well being. You will never have to put on a front and be someone you are not with me. You can just be yourself. No trying to please everyone while your needs get left behind like it has been lately for you. Everyone wants something from you right now: attention, your time, your computer (haha) and so many other demanding things that you just flat out can’t give right now. I have no demands from you. None whatsoever. I know who you are and how you relate to things. There is no second guessing or uncertainty. I have learned what it is that I think you really want: no deadlines, no pressures, no doing things you really just don’t feel like doing. I know you are invested heavily with school and can’t afford to lessen your concentration one bit. I am not asking you to change anything. I would never ask you to put school off or lessen your concentration on it. I simply want to tell you what I have to offer this time around.

 

 

I will respect whatever decision you make regarding us. I can’t let it go without showing you that I understand now. Completely and wholly understand. I don’t see anyone else but you when I look at you. I love **** for who she is, not who she is trying to be.

 

 

I want you to be able to trust how you feel about me. The sense of knowing that you are yourself completely when you are around me. No faking, no fronts, not lying to yourself. Remember the passion? The knowledge that you can open yourself up completely to me in every way? That is why you have to trust me when I am telling you these things. You know how I feel about you. Nobody else can tell you otherwise. No amount of talking or persuading can change your mind. I know this. You have to follow what you feel is the right thing to do. If it means going our separate ways then so be it. If it means not speaking and just moving on, then that is how it has to be. I need you to hear this from me. I just never had a chance to tell you this stuff before we took this break. Like I said, I was too focused on the wrong things to be able to realize this.

 

 

I’ve given time to both you and me and I have given this A LOT of thought. This is something that I need to say. I don’t know how else to get it across to you. I was too blinded to be able to admit that what I was doing was not right and I wasn’t being the person you fell in love with before. I tried to “fix” whatever was broken and couldn’t see the other reasons why things fell apart. Only after this time apart have I been able to look back and realize this. These are unfinished feelings that you need to hear from me.

 

 

So what is so wrong with trying again? Maybe not trying in a relationship sense but trying to get back in touch with each other. You still continue to do what you want. I still continue to do what I want. We won’t have to deal with all the bull**** that comes along with trying to please everyone all the time and not being able to be ourselves. I know you keep telling yourself that you’re not sure. Or you met someone else. Or you want to be single. Whatever the case may be we know now what to do and what not to do. We’ve had time apart from each other to clear our heads a little bit. Making it into some big, drawn out, heavily invested relationship again is the wrong thing to do. You know me better than that. And you know us better than that. There is a middle ground that can be found with you and me. I think that if you start to talk or hang out with me that I am going to want to go full force back into us. In no time flat, you think there will be this big, heavy investment of a relationship to worry about. And I can see that is not what you want right now in your life right now. I know you are focused on school.

 

 

My point is quit thinking that it has to be 100% all the time with us or 0%. We can find something from all this. We owe it ourselves to do that. I owe it to you to show you what I am capable of. We can find that “spark” again. We will do new things, hang out in new places, and meet new people. Imagine if we took things nice and slow. Remember how exciting it was back then? Anticipation, the fluttering, getting nervous, and having the time of our life? That is what I want again. Starting over without ever really starting over.

 

 

I’m not expecting a phone call or anything from this. I am telling you EXACTLY what I have left to tell. Being apart has shown me to be honest with myself first and only then will I be able to be honest with others. If nothing changes then oh well. I know I gave all I could and there is nothing left for me to do but leave. If things do change then nothing else has to be said. Things will naturally pick back up. There will be no discussions about the past or what will happen in the future. No labels, no expectations, no pressures, nothing. We just enjoy the moment. Have fun and take things like we did when we first met. There will be no direct talks or opening up of feelings (as I know you have a hard time with that).

 

 

 

You have to remember that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There are compromises. We can both have the best of both worlds. This time around though, we know exactly what path to take to get us there. We know what went wrong. We have had time to look at this a little different than before. Don’t turn away from this. Trust what you think is right and I will honor whatever comes from it.

 

 

I have given you some breathing room and I hope you have had time to see whether or not you want to see where things go. Whether or not that includes me at all in your life is up to you. I have given everything I can to work with you on this and you know exactly how I feel and where I stand on things. I will respect whatever your decision is.

[Soulrelo]

Niceguy: I just joined this site this am and boy has it been helpful. Anyhow, I am in the same situation. I've written a long email to my ex and have yet to send it. It's so hard not to click the send button and I;m doing everything in my power not to. After reading a lot of the postings on this website, and realizing I'm "not alone" in this, I concur with most of the other folks. Be strong. Writing the letter gets the stuff off your chest, which was 1/2 the battle. You shared that letter with us and I think you've done more than enough.

[CaliGuy]

This is a nice letter to write, read many times, sit on it for a couple of weeks then BURN. Never send letters to an ex. This only shows them you have not moved on and are sitting around pining for them.

 

It won't change her feelings about leaving you. It will only validate them.

 

Never, ever send this. Ever.

[CaliGuy]

Nice Guy, read the book again. You shouldn't be focused on your ex at all or waste any time thinking about her. You should be hanging out with friends, working out, investing in new hobbies, etc.

[Soulrelo]

Caliguy, you are the man; great advice! I cannot believe I didn't find this website months ago. Would have saved a lot of pain, misery, "wondering", etc . . . I just went and DELETED the whining email draft I had written & edited 50 times to my ex. Made me feel like a wuss reading the drivel. Ugh.

[Art_Critic]

I just went and DELETED the whining email draft I had written & edited 50 times to my ex. Made me feel like a wuss reading the drivel. Ugh.

 

What is worse is if you save the email and then look back at it months later after the fog clears and you realize how whooped you really were..

I have done that and shook my head afterwards and could not believe I was the one who actually wrote the drivel.