Is a break the right thing?

[AshleighVB]

My boyfriend (ex now?) and I have been dating for about 18 months. He is amazing - the nicest person ever. We're very different - he's quiet and reserved and I'm more outgoing and open - but we compliment each other well and have had nothing but awesome times together over the past year and a half.

 

We rarely argue or fight or even disagree very much. We compromise and do things that we both enjoy whenever we hang out. We usually hang out about 4 or 5 nights a week now, but in the beginning we took things very slow. We weren't even official for about 5 months when we first started dating! We're both 26.

 

Recently, we spent an amazing weekend together going away for his friend's wedding. We both said that it was the best weekend we'd had together so far. Then, over the next week he started to seem very distant. By that Sunday, he explained to me that he was unsure whether or not he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he needed some space to miss me and make it easier for him to answer that question. I was very suprised because we hadn't really discussed our future or marriage or any of that up until that point. I made it clear that I was not pressuring him to move forward and that we are still young and I am not looking to be married anytime soon. Then I spent the next few days giving him some time and space.

 

When we saw each other the next weekend, we had a little argument. I was beginning to feel stressed from not knowing what was going on and not hearing from him for a few days at a time - he usually calls every night!!

 

After our (very minor) argument, I didn't hear from him for five days. When we finally talked, he said he was afraid to call me because he was afraid I was angry at him and he didn't want to fight. I told him I love him and that he needs to be able to tell me when things bother him and that I am willing to listen to whatever he has to say. I told him to please explain this "space" thing to me again.

 

I know he has been super-busy at work. I mean super-busy! I brings work home with him every night and has been working a minimum of about 12 hours a day. He said that he can't figure out why his feelings have changed - perhaps it's just the pressure at work or perhaps he's just not ready to take the next step - but that his biggest fear is that his heart just isn't in it right now.

 

He said he loves me and respects me more than anything - that he has learned so much from me and has enjoyed everything about our relationship. I didn't know what to say at that point. I said, "If you're afraid your heart's not in it, perhaps we should take some time apart to think and reconvene in a few weeks." He suggested the weekend before Halloween and we agreed on that.

 

He told me he has no intention of dating anyone else during this time, but I said okay and did not make any such promises. I also suggested we set our MySpace and Facebook profiles to single - no security blankets - time apart is time apart.

 

We agreed to keep calls and e-mails to a minimum. I texted him when my plane landed for a business trip the other day and we both know we can reach each other in the case of an emergency, etc.

 

I miss him terribly. It's been three days. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? This all happened over the course of two weeks. It seems like we're throwing away the best thing we've ever had for NO GOOD REASON.

 

I'm not sure what to do next - just wait for him to call I suppose?

[LoveLace]

It sounds like the right thing to me...it sounds as though he's sincere about his reasons for needing space and the fact that it's not so he can date other people. It sounds like he just wants to be absolutely sure of himself...which is understandable. Everybody gets to that point eventually, it seems. It probably feels forever waiting until Halloween but that'll be here before ya know it.

 

Just keep complying to what you two agreed on, and once you re group, just be prepared to hear his thoughts and share yours as well. I have a feeling he misses you a lot too though...this is probably a good thing for your relationship and something that might make it stronger (despite of how it feels)...just hang in there.

[Faith4u]

You seem to have no problem with communication and he has! I think what is important is that you are compatible with him if you want him back and if you consider marrying him. Do you not feel that he is difficult to understand? He will not change that? Can you live with that caracter?

 

It feels that he wants to be apart from you the way that he has accepted so fast on the space. But don't dispear! Some people do not appreciate what they have until they loose it and I think the space is good for him especially since he is not sure what he has or what he wants.

 

No need to call him. He will. If yuo are meant to be together, he knows you want him. He knows were to find you. Good luck.

 

My boyfriend (ex now?) and I have been dating for about 18 months. He is amazing - the nicest person ever. We're very different - he's quiet and reserved and I'm more outgoing and open - but we compliment each other well and have had nothing but awesome times together over the past year and a half.

 

We rarely argue or fight or even disagree very much. We compromise and do things that we both enjoy whenever we hang out. We usually hang out about 4 or 5 nights a week now, but in the beginning we took things very slow. We weren't even official for about 5 months when we first started dating! We're both 26.

 

Recently, we spent an amazing weekend together going away for his friend's wedding. We both said that it was the best weekend we'd had together so far. Then, over the next week he started to seem very distant. By that Sunday, he explained to me that he was unsure whether or not he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he needed some space to miss me and make it easier for him to answer that question. I was very suprised because we hadn't really discussed our future or marriage or any of that up until that point. I made it clear that I was not pressuring him to move forward and that we are still young and I am not looking to be married anytime soon. Then I spent the next few days giving him some time and space.

 

When we saw each other the next weekend, we had a little argument. I was beginning to feel stressed from not knowing what was going on and not hearing from him for a few days at a time - he usually calls every night!!

 

After our (very minor) argument, I didn't hear from him for five days. When we finally talked, he said he was afraid to call me because he was afraid I was angry at him and he didn't want to fight. I told him I love him and that he needs to be able to tell me when things bother him and that I am willing to listen to whatever he has to say. I told him to please explain this "space" thing to me again.

 

I know he has been super-busy at work. I mean super-busy! I brings work home with him every night and has been working a minimum of about 12 hours a day. He said that he can't figure out why his feelings have changed - perhaps it's just the pressure at work or perhaps he's just not ready to take the next step - but that his biggest fear is that his heart just isn't in it right now.

 

He said he loves me and respects me more than anything - that he has learned so much from me and has enjoyed everything about our relationship. I didn't know what to say at that point. I said, "If you're afraid your heart's not in it, perhaps we should take some time apart to think and reconvene in a few weeks." He suggested the weekend before Halloween and we agreed on that.

 

He told me he has no intention of dating anyone else during this time, but I said okay and did not make any such promises. I also suggested we set our MySpace and Facebook profiles to single - no security blankets - time apart is time apart.

 

We agreed to keep calls and e-mails to a minimum. I texted him when my plane landed for a business trip the other day and we both know we can reach each other in the case of an emergency, etc.

 

I miss him terribly. It's been three days. Do you think I'm doing the right thing? This all happened over the course of two weeks. It seems like we're throwing away the best thing we've ever had for NO GOOD REASON.

 

I'm not sure what to do next - just wait for him to call I suppose?

[AshleighVB]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. It sucks not being able to talk to someone I consider one of my very best friends. He used to call me every night - even if it was just to say good night and have a good day tomorrow.

[Faith4u]

I know how hard this is when you are used to communicate on a deep level with someone but I am sure you are going to make better friends if he does not consider calling you and asking how you doing...

 

You see, he might want to stay apart for a while because if he calls things will roll and start over again and he does not want to give you a bad impression or a hope that he is not sure that he beleive is in at the first place. Take it easy, get busy and I am sure you will feel less empty as days go by... You will be even surprised, he will some day call just because you have stopped doing it and the moment he does you may have nothing to say to him anymore! Stay strong.

[isntitironic]

It realy seems like alot of peoples on this website don't understand the value of giving space. It really does amazing things. even if you leftthings bad. whats meant to be will be.

[LoveLace]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. It sucks not being able to talk to someone I consider one of my very best friends. He used to call me every night - even if it was just to say good night and have a good day tomorrow.

 

AAahh I'm used to the same routine! "Have a good today...I'm thinking about you...I miss you..."...ugh...I'm with ya babe. We also used to talk during lunch every day....today I was outside by myself and it was so quiet..

 

There are tons of things to do in SF...as you know I"m sure...if I was you I'd be hitting up as much as possible...

[AshleighVB]

It realy seems like alot of peoples on this website don't understand the value of giving space. It really does amazing things. even if you leftthings bad. whats meant to be will be.

 

I do understand the value of giving space. While this week and the ones leading up to it have been difficult for me, I think I've done a much better job than I did last time a boyfriend asked for space. I think that being able to go days at a time without contacting him has shown me that I truly love this person a lot and I have a lot respect for what our relationship was/is. I don't want to ruin it by pressuring him to speak with me/see me/explain what is going on - which is why I suggested the break in the first place.

 

My problem is that I was pretty sure I wanted to be in this for the long term before the break. Now I find myself missing him tons and considering what our life together would be like even more. I can't think of a single reason (other than that he may not be sure at this point) why I don't want to spend my life with this person. He is awesome and we do nothing but laugh and have fun together. He sometimes works too much, but I can live with that as long as we make time for each other when it's important.

 

I hope he's missing me half as much as I'm missing him. He always used to tell me I'm the best girlfriend ever. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[AshleighVB]

So, I've been trying to keep myself busy and go out and have a good time. I went out with my roommate tonight because I was not about to sit home moping wondering about my future on a Saturday night. I went out. I didn't drink, because I'm still recovering from last night. I swear, I met some of the stupidest guys I have ever come into contact with. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood, but if this is what I'm going to have to deal with on a regular basis if my boyfriend and I decide to call it quits for good, I think I'd rather just accept the fact that I'll rarely ever have sex again. I think I would rather eat a moldy loaf of bread than even consider hooking up with any of the guys I met tonight. Shoot me. I hope this is happening to him, too.

[LoveLace]

Ashleigh I bet he misses you too!

 

I had the same dilemma over the weekend as I had to find ways to occupy myself and keep from calling you-know-who....my problem is, I didn't get any kind of timeline...(like you and your BF said Halloween)...my guy just said let's take a break for now...I said good idea and that was it. Like you I don't want to pressure him into giving me specifics, but it sucks to sit here and think: how long is this going to take? I'm only a week into it and I'm dying, just dying to call. I"m worried he'll forget about me.

[AshleighVB]

While having a timeline makes it a little easier, it makes it scary, too. What if he doesn't call? Do I call because that's what we agreed to? Or do I wait because he's the one that needed the space to begin with?

 

What if it turns out he didn't miss me? What if he decides he's fine without me?

 

The break is making me appreciate what we had even more, and I just have to keep my fingers crossed that it's making him feel the same way.

 

*Sigh*

 

12 days to go...

[AshleighVB]

So, today is the halfway point for me - 10 days of NC, 10 days to go. I wanted to call so bad last night. To say hi, to see how his week was going, etc. We didn't leave anything on bad terms, just said we'd keep calls and messages to a minimum until the 27th. That makes it hard because I feel like if I pick up the phone and call, he'll answer and we'll talk. But I won't know what he's thinking, and he'll know that I couldn't hold out for the three weeks that we agreed on together.

 

Today I woke up with the first twinge of, "Do I really want to be with someone that can go three weeks without talking to me?" But, then again, I won't have talked to him either, and I hope he still really wants to be with me.

 

I need some positive reinforcement - this is still the right thing to be doing right? This is the best shot I have at him deciding he wants to stay together?

[katiebour]

I read both of your threads, and at the end of it the main feeling I get is that the situation is a little weird.

 

How does missing someone prove that you love them, or that a relationship is good?

 

It seems like a bit of a mind game or a test... I'm not real big on either. Based on my own experience, it seems like a break is more of a way of testing "Am I happier without you than with you?" then it is of testing "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with you?"

 

It's good that he puts paying down his debt before going on vacation- but again this could be taken as either 'he wants to make himself a better partner for you' or 'he wants to get his crap together before ending a major relationship.'

 

It seems to me like love and marriage should be based on affection, respect, communication, friendship, romance, commitment and bedroom compatibility. I don't see how a break really furthers any of this, you know what I'm saying?

[AshleighVB]

I do understand what you're saying, and I agree. Although it was me that initially suggested the break, I did so out of frustration that he kept asking me for some space, and he wasn't calling or communicating with me. A break was the alternative to starting a huge fight, I guess. We're not very confrontational people. I'm all for ending the break. I would love to know what's going on and where we're going to go from here. He was the one who said he needed time to think about what he wants as far as our relationship for the long term. So, I am assuming that the thing to do at this point is wait it out for another ten days? I don't know. He said he didn't want to break up, just take some time apart to think. I said the same thing. I'd rather take some time apart than to just end things. And I'd rather take some time apart than be with someone who is confused. Perhaps taking a step back allows us to look at the big picture? Experience life without the other person and determine whether it's what we really want?

 

Like I said, I miss him like crazy. I'm just trying to hold up my end of the bargain. I've found that making my words and my actions match is the best way to be honest...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Please protect your heart.

 

Although it was me that initially suggested the break, I did so out of frustration that he kept asking me for some space, and he wasn't calling or communicating with me.

 

He was already checking out of the relationship before you called a 'break'. Taking a break doesn't reverse someone checking out of a relationship. It only makes it easier for them to continue doing so.

 

I hope that you will not lay all of your hopes on reconciliation - set aside some part of your heart in this, and protect it.

[AshleighVB]

I am trying. What should I do? Should I just call him and say enough is enough? This is not a good way to solve a problem to me.

[AshleighVB]

Whatever. Of course I am doing the right thing. I am not talking to him. He didn't want to focus his attention on my or our relationship, therefore we are taking a break. I do not want to be with anyone who does not want to be with me. Therefore, I should just continue NC, and see what happens as we approach the day we are supposed to talk. I need to stop seeking validation and approval for what I'm doing. I need to just make it through the next 10 days with my fingers crossed.