my broken heart story

[cant let go]

My ex and I broke up a month ago. I still can't adjust to calling him my ex. We were together for 14 months and lived together for about a year. We'd been in our own apartment since January but before that he had practically lived with me in my apt since he slept over every night and his apt was so far from work.

 

We met at work. I was assigned to be his trainer and we became very fast friends. Our ability to laugh together and talk about things so openly and comfortably brought us to a feeling of love for each other rather quickly. Being his trainer, (the training process lasts around 3-4 months) I became very used to helping him all the time and he always seemed to appreciate all the things I could teach him. We both also became very close friends with another person at work and the three of us became the best of friends. I had never had people in my life that I felt so understood by and we were able to make fun of ourselves without ever feeling offended or awkward. We all genuinely cared for each other and were already telling each other that we loved each other as friends.

 

A sexual attraction developed or simply became glaringly evident with my ex very soon. One night out drinking but not drunk we ended up kissing. I had been sort of seeing someone at the time but it wasn't serious and it had only been going on for about a month. The two of us (my ex and I) talked that it was a mistake to start anything but I deep down really wished that it could be something more. I decided to just continue seeing the other guy but less than a week later after a night of excessive drinking I threw myself on him and told him that I had to have him.

 

We ended up back at my apt having clumsy, dizzy, sex (after I had thrown up in the parking lot of course). Granted this seemed like an awful way to start a relationship but I really genuinely loved this guy as person and a friend and couldn't help this attraction to him. After about another week of both of us acting like starting a relationship was a mistake, I finally concluded that I really wanted to be with him. He seemed to reciprocate those feelings and we began a relationship.

 

The intense feelings of love that I felt for him led me to very early on believe that he was "the one" for me. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him and I never doubted that the relationship would work out. We had so much fun together and conversations tended to feel like we had known each other for years and been best friends our whole lives. I loved everything I knew about him and wanted to know more and more.

 

Our relationship continued and I always felt 100% committed to it. I met his whole family and they made me feel wonderful. On several occasions I would see them and they even bought me gifts for the holidays. He seemed to show me affection very openly and he always said that he loved me and not only in response to my affection. Like any relationship we had our disagreements or our moments when we argued. I never felt like we fought about things. I was always willing to work on things or would feel that they weren't important enough issues to break up over. He, on the other hand, seemed to always see a conflict as a huge deal. He would react very strongly believing that any problems we had were bigger than the relationship and that he could not see it working out because of these conflicts.

 

We managed to stay together for several months even after some breakup-like talks. I loved him very much and no problem in my eyes was fatal enough to end the relationship. Unfortunately I couldn't see just how serious all these "little things" actually added up to be. Sometimes I would react poorly to a situation or say something snide and mean to him. These things took a toll on him and it took me a long time to realize just how I had been acting. I was often jealous and expressed it in a taunting way. I never liked the fact that I was jealous and I certainly didn't want to ever make him feel bad. But for some reason I could never just clearly express my emotions and I would end up making him feel like he was doing something wrong.

 

Because we had rushed into a live-in situation so quickly, there was a ton of pressure on each of us. I really didn't have any interests outside of the relationship and all of my friends were also his friends. We saw each other at home and at work all day. We were never apart. I loved spending time with him and would prefer it to anything else. His need to have many other friends would make me feel threatened sometimes and my pressure for him to want to spend time with me would suffocate him.

 

Another problem that I have is that I would love to debate issues. I am the type of person that always likes to ask why or will argue an opposing point even if I don't necessarily believe it just because I like to feel like an issue has been completely explored. My ex often felt that I had an excessive need to be right all of the time. Many times I would hold fast to what I believed to be true. I never needed my ex to give in and tell me I was right. This didn't give me pleasure, but I just really wanted him to fully convince me of his position. Too often he would just give in and tell me I was right.

 

Many of these issues I addressed and I worked on being more aware of my actions. While my ex seemed to be understanding on the surface, he never fully got over any issues that we had and he held on to them believing that I would always be these ways. He never held any faith that I could change my habits. I loved him and I wanted to treat him with respect and love at all times. Sometimes I slipped up, but I was truly trying and I feel like it is something that I had become much better at controlling through our relationship.

 

Throughout our relationship I had been overweight. Much of the weight had come on in the first few months of our relationship because we were having so much fun going out and eating a lot and drinking a lot of beer. We had both become out of shape and really lacked the motivation to try and change it. He had been a runner his whole life so when he finally got it in his head to get back in shape, he just picked up and jumped on the treadmill. Although I had a strong desire to get back into shape, motivating me was often a more challenging process. My ex would get frustrated with me for not excitedly coming with him to the gym. He would have to drag me there sometimes. In the end I was always glad that I went, I just needed to get back into a routine and starting that up was tough for me. Sometimes I would not go with him. He resented me and made claims that I hating going to the gym.

 

Unfortunately I had become very depressed with myself. My self image was negative and I was constantly complaining that I was unattractive. I was frustrated with myself for failing an exam. My ex and I are both actuaries and we had been on the same exam progress for two sittings. We had studied for our Exam 3 together and passed. It was his first attempt but my 3rd. We were both studying for Exam 4 next, but when he passed and I didn't, I became very depressed. He began to feel that I couldn't be happy for him if it didn't involve me. My weight did not improve and my depression had become so severe that I couldn't express to him how happy I was for him or proud I was of him. Also, our best friend was moving away.

 

This led him to eventually break up with me at the end of June. We had a trip to Vegas with his family planned for the end of July around our one year anniversary. It had been planned for six months. I cried and pleaded with him to give me another chance for two days. Eventually he agreed that I deserved another chance but also made it clear that he felt that it would not matter. He could only ever see me making temporary changes and in the end we would inevitably break up again. I often wonder if he only took me back because of that trip.

 

It seemed for a short time like things were going well. But soon it began to feel like he really wasn't making any effort to be happy in the relationship at all. The more he seemed unhappy the more I felt like there was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and had no idea how to change things. I would ask him why he didn't want to do things and he would give me vague excuses. He seemed to pull himself away from me completely. Our sex life had diminished to nearly non-existent and anytime I would bring it up he couldn't explain. I felt that he must not have been attracted to me anymore, but he couldn't tell me that.

 

It may seem like our relationship was all bad from this post. Truth is, this post is the relationship from his point of view. I've only now come to such a realization of this point of view. Our relationship was still based on such a strong friendship that we had plenty of good moments too and it was all the good moments that I had tended to focus on. I was blind to how big our problems had become and I was still so committed to the belief that we were meant to be together.

 

At the beginning of September, I had planned a trip back to my hometown to visit my mom for her birthday. My ex had never come back home with me before and I was excited for him to see where I grew up. The day that we were supposed to leave for the trip we got into a bad spot. I don't recall what started it, but I remember feeling upset and scared for our relationship. It seemed like he didn't want to be with me. I cried for him to explain to me why he was so distant from me and he blamed it on his being distracted by studying for his exam and he reassured me that he still loved me. We made up and ended up making love for what would end up being the last time. We went back to my hometown and had a good weekend from what I could feel.

 

In mid September, he dealt with a family crisis when his uncle passed away suddenly. His whole family dealt with this passing very emotionally. I went back home with him to attend the viewing and spent time with his family. Sadly this is the last time I have seen them. The funeral was on a Monday and I did not stay. I thought it was best to let him be there for his family and I had to work. I could have called in sick that day, but I just felt he needed to be alone with his family.

 

A week after this he went on a trip to Boston for an exam review seminar. I missed him a lot when he was away and I was starting to realize that I was depressed. I hadn't really understood before this that I was actually depressed. I began to act out in resentful ways toward him. He had been going out and drinking every night and missing seminar sessions the next day. I was disappointed in his behavior. I was annoyed underneath it all because he was in Boston since he had moved on to the next exam and I was retaking the one that I had failed in the spring. For some reason, even though I was extremely excited when he returned home, I was unable to express that I was happy. There was something weighing on me and I had fallen back to my ineffective ways of dealing with it.

 

Rather than be up front with him about how I was feeling, I made snide remarks like "oh glad you had fun on your trip." When he kissed me when he came back, it felt uncomfortable. I couldn't feel right. I didn't want to argue about things but something that I couldn't put my finger on was making me upset and I knew I needed to talk about it but I didn't know what it was. He eventually got annoyed by my actions and refused to come to bed that night. He slept on the couch. He would never sleep in bed with me again. Here I had been counting down the days while he was away and looking forward to making things better between us and he wouldn't speak to me.

 

The next day was strange. We didn't really speak much but he came to get me for lunch that day and we went out with our usual group of friends. We made small chat and even exchanged a few emails at work. At one point he made a joke and I replied with "I've missed you." After this he became very serious and asked that we chat through an instant message system. So here we were, having our serious relationship conversation over the internet during work. He explained to me why he was upset and I tried to be honest and explain my reasons for being upset. I wanted to work past things but he seemed to be leaning towards the idea that things were not going to be okay. That night he did not come home until very late and after I had gone to sleep after waiting up for him. The next day while walking to work, he basically said that he didn't think things were working out.

 

I didn't really know if that was officially our break-up. In fact, the whole time I was at work I was still unsure if we had actually broke up or not. Finally by the end of the day it had become evident that we really had. That evening after work he was changing to get ready for a softball game. Some words were exchanged between us that were misinterpreted and he seemed to be trying to start another fight with me. I couldn't take it any more and I just started crying and left the room. When he came out of the bedroom he seemed angry and he was about to start making me feel bad about things. I told him that I wasn't going to fight with him. Some thing was said and I can't remember specifically what it was, but I blurted out "I want you to move out." He said, "fine, just let me find a place." I then said, "Soon!" And he repeated, "just let me find a place." That night when he came home, he told me he had found a place. It was Thursday night and he would be out of the apartment that Saturday.

 

That night he cried. The next morning when I woke up, he was still crying. I never saw him or any guy cry so uncontrollably. He couldn't seem to even explain to me what he was feeling or why he was crying. That day was painful. I spent all day crying on and off. He tried to make small talk with me through email but I was so hurt I couldn't be sincere. I made jokes and downplayed his feelings of discomfort because- this was what he wanted.

 

Throughout the process of this break-up he had been confiding in a female friend at work. This girl actually sits in the cube right next to him. The ironic thing is that he and I used to sit in adjacent cubes when we first started working together, but he ended up getting moved away because he spent too much time with me and I'm sure management knew about our relationship even though it had never been disclosed (it never really needed to be). That Friday night, the very next day after the break up, we went out for happy hour to say goodbye to a friend that was leaving town. A lot of our friends were out.

 

I had wanted to spend some time talking to this girl that night about what had happened. I don't have many girl friends and she was someone that I had talked to in the past and had also talked to her about her own relationship problems in the past. This is the same girl that my ex had been confiding in. I didn't know at the time however that he had been confiding in her. I knew they were friends, but I had no idea what he had told her. Well, for the entire night she was unavailable for me to sit down and have a conversation. Unavailable: because the entire night she was flirting with and chasing around my ex. I ended up getting really upset as I watched them dance together and I drank too much. A good friend took me outside when I got sick and made sure I got home okay.

 

My ex never came home that night. I woke up feeling awful and I just wanted to talk to him about things. I needed to understand why we were breaking up and I just couldn't believe that he had given up on our relationship. I tried calling him but his phone was dead. I thought maybe he had stayed with a guy friend of his who lived at the house that he was going to be moving into that day. I called this guy and he (unconvincingly) said that he didn't know where my ex was. I new he had to be with the girl. I don't know why, but I believed in my mind that nothing had happened between them. I had actually called her first thing because I had never got to talk to her the night before and she did not return my call. This made it very clear to me that he was with her.

 

I sent her a text message that said that if my ex was with her for him to call me back. Eventually he called me back from the phone of the guy I had called before. He felt that if he called me from her phone it would be weird so he had her drive him to the guy's house so that he could call. I finally convinced him to come over and talk to me and I went and picked him up. When we were driving back to the apartment he told me that he had kissed her at the bar but nothing else had happened. It took my further questioning to find out that he actually did sleep in her bed with her, but apparently "nothing happened."

 

Of course this hurt me but I was very confused about how I felt toward each of them. She wasn't a good friend of mine, but I still felt a certain degree of betrayal. She called me back finally and left a voicemail stating that she would like to apologize for what happened. Perhaps it is just her natural tone of voice, but I found the apology unconvincing and more prompted as an obligation. He seemed to feel that what happened was a mistake but he had made some comments that struck fear in me that it would happen again. He claimed he wasn't going to start a new relationship anytime soon.

 

He spent the whole day packing up his stuff and the two of us were crying on and off the entire time. I was in a strange state because I wasn't as upset as I thought I should have been. I really think I was in denial. I also think that I believed that this break could help us to discover how to work on the relationship and that we still had a chance to reconcile in future. But for whatever the reasons, I couldn't really cry the way I had expected that I would. He was freely expressing tears as we would recall a memory. I wanted him to change his mind but it was obvious that he never would. He had made this decision to leave a long time ago. He had already convinced himself that it was right.

 

He finally finished packing. Neither of us had eaten much over the last few days and we decided to go get some food together. We each ordered something but regardless of how hungry we felt before, when we got our food and attempted to eat, neither of us could. We went back and he loaded up his car full of his things. When he came to the last trip down, he asked me to walk with him. We hugged goodbye at his car and he once again began to cry. Tears streamed down his face and not a single one fell from mine. He left. I couldn't cry and I couldn't sleep all night. I wrote a lot to focus my thoughts. When I tried to sleep everything would come rushing into my head at once and I just couldn't relax. By writing I was only able to focus on one thought at a time. But I still never got any sleep.

 

The next day he had to come back to the apartment because he had managed to forget all of his work clothes. We chatted briefly and then he left. I spoke with the girl on the phone. It was strange reaching out to her but she offered me little explanation into why he had decided our relationship was beyond reconciliation. When we spoke about what had happened between them, I told her I could forgive her. But I felt that if anything more were to happen between them I wouldn't be okay. She was silent. Both of their reactions to this proved to me that they had either talked about or thought about starting something between them.

 

Throughout this entire time I still had no understanding of why my ex had given up on the relationship. I was more than willing to do everything to make things work but he felt that we just weren't right for each other. His main reason was "he didn't see a future with me." This was not good enough for me. I couldn't just accept this and move on. I wanted answers. Every attempt I made to get him to talk about things just seemed to frustrate him more. He was done, he was angry that I couldn't just trust that he was making the right decision. He wanted to focus on studying for his exam which was now less then a month away.

 

After a few days I began to realize the hurt that I had felt from what had happened the Friday night with the other girl. I wanted to confront my feelings so I wrote a letter to her expressing that I was hurt very badly and that I felt like she had betrayed me. I told her again that I forgive her but I wanted to clearly express how I was feeling so that I could avoid growing any feelings of anger towards her. As the letter carried on I began to address the issue of my ex. I advised her against starting a relationship with him because I felt that he needed time to figure some things out about himself. I didn't feel like he had properly expressed his feelings throughout our relationship and that he should take some time figuring out what he needs. I told her that my ex would not listen to any advice that I had to give him and that hopefully she could help him. I stated that I never meant for the email to seem like an attack or to make her feel uncomfortable and that I didn't expect her to want to help me. She never responded to this email.

 

I ended up trying to talk to my ex again and I unfortunately came off sounding like I didn't think he could be in a good relationship and that he didn't possess the skills to make a relationship work. I only meant to encourage him to seek help but he took it as me bashing his inadequacies. I had turned to many books on relationships to help me better understand the breakup and I felt that I had figured so much out about what I had been doing wrong. I still loved him so much and really wanted him back but I knew that I had to change things in order for him or anyone to love me. While reading these books I realized things about him that he could grow from if he was willing to work on them.

 

Things were awkward between us for days. I had a suspicion that he had really started seeing this other girl but I had no evidence. That weekend we had plans to go to a concert. Our really good friend was coming back to town to go with us and we had planned this since August. This is the same best friend that we were best friends with in the beginning of our relationship. When we broke up, I didn't want it to ruin the night we had planned to spend with this friend because we hadn't seen him for two months. I had hoped we could put everything behind us for a night and just enjoy ourselves as friends again.

 

My ex seemed uncomfortable the entire night. I realize now that it was because he was angry with me about the letter to the girl and upset with the way (in his eyes) I had tried to convince him that he wasn't good enough for a relationship. After walking our friend to catch his bus the day after the concert, my ex and I attempt another talk. I still felt unsatisfied by his answers to why we broke up. He continued to claim that he just didn't see a future and that we didn't like to do the same things.

 

He wanted a girl who played sports and liked to work out. He wanted someone who wanted to go to church. At one time in our relationship I told him that I wasn't the type of person that would go to church all the time. After hearing his views and meeting his family, I began to feel that it was something I was not only willing to do, but something I wanted to be a part of. Of course he never knew this because he never let go of what I had initially said. My ex had an excellent memory. It is part of his downfall of not being able to let things go. He never forgets things so he always feels that things can't change.

 

The conversation still left me unsatisfied because I believe that his reasons were petty and not based on the truth. There was nothing that he saw wrong with me that I didn't think was something I was trying to improve (other than the fact that I never played sports). I felt that we could work on things together. I could work on being the happy person that I wanted to be and he could work on being more open to believe in me and letting go of things that didn't matter. But he didn't want to work on it.

 

For the next couple of weeks I began to make changes in my life. I started to exercise regularly, study really hard for my exam, and make a continued effort to maintain and build my friendships. I was at a good place. I still was having trouble accepting the break-up as the end all of my relationship with my ex. I still believed that things could be worked out but I understood that now was not the time for it. My ex and I had begun having friendly exchanges with each other. We would mostly talk about how our studying was going. The shallow, but few chats had been pleasant. However my road to recovery came to an abrupt stop when I finally figured out that my ex had been seeing the girl just as I had feared.

 

After seeing signs that had convinced me that something was going on, I had to confront it. I didn't want to confront him about it in fear that he would grow angry at me for bringing it up before the exam. But I just couldn't ignore the feelings that I was having any longer. I couldn't concentrate. The girl had never responded to my email so I felt that she owed me some explanation. I confronted her and asked her to sit down and talk with me. I asked her what she felt about the letter and her reaction seemed to tell me that she was annoyed by it. She said she had thought about responding but didn't seem to think it was worth the time or effort. I asked her if anything was going on between her and my ex and she smirked and said "do you honestly want to know."

 

She didn't really need to say more after that but she then confirmed that there was definitely something there. I asked if they had been spending a lot of time together and she responded, "Not recently because he is studying for the exam." I inquired what she meant by recently since it had only been 3 weeks since our break-up. So then she thought for a minute and said with a smile, "yeah, I guess we have." This crushed me to hear it even though I had expected it. I began to pour out my feelings again about how much I loved him and I had hoped that someday we could work things out. I still didn't see anything wrong that couldn't be fixed.

 

I expressed my concern that they were starting too fast but it didn't seem to matter. She told me that I could hate her if I wanted to but she was going to do what she wanted to do. I couldn't see how hating anyone would make things easier on anyone but maybe her. Maybe she felt that if I just hated her she wouldn't have to feel guilty about not feeling bad about what she was doing. After a while, we got up to leave. I told her that I supposed we were never really friends and that we never can be. She seemed to think these things weren't true. I then told her that I know that I could have never done something that would knowingly hurt her like that.

 

That night I stupidly wrote another email to my ex pouring my heart out. I didn't think it would get him back to me in anyway but I was hurt and I was spiraling back to a bad place. I had still held on to this hope that we would be able to work things out someday. The next day I couldn't make it in to work. I felt sick. I couldn't sleep; I couldn't eat. It was day one all over again, but worse. The day after that I went in to work. Halfway through the morning my ex began to chat with me through the instant messenger again. He was very angry.

 

He said some very hurtful things. He could not believe that I would write that email knowing that it would distract him from his exam. He was disappointed in the way I had been handling the break up. I told him that I didn't know how I was supposed to get over him if I couldn't understand his reasoning. Throughout our whole relationship my ex had kept his feelings either bottled up or he would give in to what he thought that I wanted. He never expressed what he needed effectively. When he made the decisions that it wouldn't work out, he thought about things on his own for days. He never clued me into his thought process. He only gave me the end result.

 

So when I once again pleaded for the reasons. He bluntly told me that for much of the relationship he was unhappy, un-attracted to me, felt that we didn't want to do the same things and that we had different morals/values. I responded that he seemed happy for all but the last few months and he must have been attracted to me at some point. I asked what it was that he wanted to do that I wouldn't do and what exact morals/values he didn't think we shared. He implied that it wasn't worth trying to talk about because I would never accept anything that he could say. He said that we couldn't be friends.

 

He felt that I could never be happy for him and accept that we were not what were best for each other. But, I couldn't just blindly accept these things. I needed to understand why he felt this way and how long and why it was that I believe that things could work. Why did I feel that we could have fixed these things if we were willing to try? He agreed to sit and talk with me after the exams were over. I went home sick for the rest of the day. On Saturday I saw his car in the parking lot at work and I knew that he had come in to study. I was planning to study too but I had been unable to focus since Monday.

 

I wondered over to talk to him. I only wanted to tell him that I knew his boxes of contact lenses were at the apartment and that I could bring them to him if he needed them. (I had noticed he had been wearing his glasses for a few days and thought that maybe he needed a new pair.) He didn't seem to need them but he said something that prompted a conversation. I ended up saying something mean but then I said I was sorry and that I didn't come over to get into things. But somehow we ended up just having our talk right there. We spent hours going through what was wrong with the relationship. I presented my reasons for why I thought things could have been worked on.

 

The problem was: Even though throughout the relationship I had always been willing to let things go and change my unhealthy habits, he had never believed that I could become the person that he wanted me to be. He said that he never really wanted things to work out. He said that he never felt comfortable about moving in together. He led me on for too long and he felt horrible about it. He doesn't believe that he didn't love me. He says that he always did and still does care about me. He thinks we have the ability to remain great friends but he was no longer attracted to me and he had never desired for the relationship to work out and never believed that it would.

 

He capped it all off by telling me that he is now happier than he has ever been. He had indeed started a new relationship within days of our breakup but he claims that the relationship was over for him for so long before it actually happened that he has spent plenty of time reflecting on it. He claims that he has learned from our relationship. I'm still worried about him though. Because even though it appears that he has determined that our relationship was not the best interest for either of us, he still holds on to a notion that the right relationship will be easy. He seems to think that there cannot be change in people and that when it is right you won't have to work hard at it.

 

I still love him and I can't let go of him. Even though I know that he does not want to be with me. I can't stop wishing I could help him. I can't stop wishing that if he could see that people can change that he can give me another chance. Even if I get to a place where I am the well adjusted, emotionally ready, and mature person that I needed to be in a relationship, he would never believe that it was real. He would think that deep down I am manipulating and mean to him and he would never let that go. I need to accept that he is going to have to learn on his own that his idea of a perfect love is hopeless.

 

I think one day we will both be better people because of this. I hope that when that day comes we will both be friends. But I need to accept that when that day comes, we won't be together again.

[cant let go]

So my ex took his exam today. it took everything in me not to contact him in the morning and wish him good luck. i broke contact yesterday and sent him an email about some stupid funny story that i heard that i figured he would laugh at. he, of course, did not respond, which is all well and good. but today after work many people went to a local bar to have few drinks. by the time i got there my ex was definitley wasted and he told me soon after i walked in that he felt he had failed his exam. he said he stayed up 40 hours studying. it was obvious that he was very tired and very drunk. she was there too. of course. i was so good though.

 

i spoke with all my friends there and even acknowledged her. they are not being very open about their relationship right now in front of coworkers, but most people already know. i made sure i had fun and i didn't let him bother me. i showed him that i cared for him without being pushy. when he left with her, i acted like i was okay with it. it's hard being this strong. i have so many friends that support me and i appreciate every one of them.

 

i will continue to love him but i will also keep working to accept that this is his choice and we must live with it. i hope he learns from it. i really hope he does. in the end, i am so grateful for all the friends that i have that truly are there for me. i know they aren't reading this, but i thank god for them. i really do.

[Lyssa]

I haven't gotten past passage 4 of your thread. Your latest post caught my eye though. You're handling the whole thing well now considering what you have gone through and how hurt you are.

 

It takes time to heal a broken heart. I have been there and what I have learned from all the heartbreaks is that I am a stronger woman now. I am more confident of myself and I deserve so much more than I did in the past. My expectations of a relationship are higher and you know what, I found a man that has it all.

 

Take the time to heal because if you rush trying to get over someone, it will come back to you in the future. That would hurt even more, not only you but whoever you're with.