Newly separated

[Dazed & Confused]

Hi all - found this site after endless searches for answers on google!

 

I will be spending some time reading threads throughout all the sections over time, but have just one issue at the moment which i cannot find!

 

Basically my wife and I ended it 2 weeks ago - well I finally decided that I really could take no more 'trying for kids' as I was becomming drained adn generally feeling down.

 

There was no one real reason for us splitting up, but just a lot of small things that add up to making it not worth it. What we argue about now is the same things we were argueing 4 years ago, and alot of things she promised to change time and time again but hasn't!

 

The final straw came when, recently we have been going through hard times financially, but she has got a sudden interest in going out more, and her mobile phone was 'coincidentally' on silent a bit, she had been unfaithful a few years back so its bringing back too many memories.

 

What I am asking advice for is- basically I cant get out of my head the thought of her going out and sleeping with someone else. It's really not a 'I dont want you but no-one else can either' but its doing my head in.

 

I think part of it is due to the fact that she hasn't been intimate with me in a long time, and what's getting me is that she wouldnt have sex etc. with me but would go out and do it with a stranger or whatever.

 

After reading from other sites I wonder if this is also a lack of self confidence in myself. I had never really had a girlfriend before we met, and have never been intimate with anyone else. I also dont consider myself as good looking, although friends and colleagues to say that 'im a good catch' so to speak!

 

Sorry for the essay - but my head is so messed up at the moment, and got no-one else to really turn to!

[Aussie_Dad]

D&C,

I know what you are going through man. I found out 5 weeks ago that my wife was confused about her whole life and she did not know whether she wanted to be with me anymore. Last week she asked for a separation and we have two kids involved. I have been lucky in that no one else is involved at all.

1 - You need to find people to talk to, friends, family, bus driver, councilor (will really help).

2 - You need to do some stuff for yourself that you really enjoy and will make you feel good. Bit a bit selfish an something. Movies, books, go to a show, sporting event, beer with mates.

I also started meditating(?) really helped me.

These things may not help mate, but they helped me and nithing will change for you if you don;t start to change first.

Hang in there mate, and believe in yourself and something better will come along.

Cheers

[Dazed & Confused]

Yeah been slowly doing things - Been keeping myself busy, had been promising myself to get fit for a long while but as she was always needing to 'pop' to he mums or drop things at friends it was never worth while!

 

So last week got my gym induction, this week started boxing - amazing how good you feel after belting a bag for a bit!

 

Hardest thing is not being around my little girls - I used to get up with them, sort their brekkie out etc. every day of the week, so getting out of the habbit and waking up alone has been hard.

 

I genuinly feel that there is no love there, and I no when the pains gone we'll be far better apart, but this 'interim' stage is a killer!

 

And fear of the unknown - will anyone find me attractive? how the hell do you date - never done it before, she just sort of done it all when we got together!

 

Look like i've got some learning to do!!

[PWSX3]

And fear of the unknown - will anyone find me attractive? how the hell do you date - never done it before, she just sort of done it all when we got together!

 

Look like i've got some learning to do!!

Sorry to hear about your situation, at first it really seems hard, it hurts & doesn't seem fair but the more you work on yourself the better you start to feel.

These are all good questions, I feel a lot of us take our spouse for granted & they do things everyday for us that we don't even think about.

 

The fear of the unknown is scary, but it can also be exciting if you make it that way. Going to the gym is very good for you, it gives you time to think, work on your body & being in shape I feel helps all around.

 

I wouldn't worry about dating, if someone likes you, etc. right now that is something you "might" have to worry down the road, but for now being in a relationship is the last thing you want to do.

 

Sorry to say it, but there is nothing you can do or say to the W to change her mind, she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence & so you just need to work on yourself.

 

Look at it this way, she is giving you some time to think, to give you time to make yourself a better person. I know in my situation me & the W separated for a while (her idea) & we are now back together but I feel I learned more & gained more from the separation then she did.

 

Another suggestion would be start reading some books, there are some good stuff out there & if you look around here you can find some titles.

 

Just as Gunny told me when I first started; we learn all kinds of things in school & in life, but no one teaches us about relationships.

 

Good luck, as time passes things will start becoming a lot clearer & how you think about your relationship.

[Geishawhelk]

Hello D&F.... jsut coming in and putting forward a female point of view....

 

Basically my wife and I ended it 2 weeks ago - well I finally decided that I really could take no more 'trying for kids' as I was becomming drained adn generally feeling down.

 

So from what you say, you're apparently the one who instigated the separation, is that right?

 

There was no one real reason for us splitting up,

Sure there was. you've just given it.

 

.... but just a lot of small things that add up to making it not worth it. What we argue about now is the same things we were argueing 4 years ago, and alot of things she promised to change time and time again but hasn't!

 

Did you promise to change anything and haven't? And remember, the only effective change is the one we willingly make for ourselves. Promising, or trying to change for someone else, or asking someone to change for you, is completely ineffective.

It's always the small things. The house won't fall down fo want of a brick, but eat away at the thin strip of mortar and you have structural crisis....

 

 

What I am asking advice for is- basically I cant get out of my head the thought of her going out and sleeping with someone else. It's really not a 'I dont want you but no-one else can either' but its doing my head in.

 

Actually, you're wrong. That's exactly what it is.

You can no longer function in the current atmosphere and climate of your relationship. if you could, or really wanted to, you'd still be there, and doing everything you could to try to make it work. But you decided, effectively, to separate and sever the relationship. That's not my being cruel, it's the way it is, and that's fine.

But you have to make it clear to her that providing nobody else is involved, then perhaps, if you are both really ready, willing and able, you'll go to counselling together. If there IS someone else, then it's over.

And trust me, by the way - if there IS someone else, she won't want to GO to counselling....

 

I think part of it is due to the fact that she hasn't been intimate with me in a long time, and what's getting me is that she wouldnt have sex etc. with me but would go out and do it with a stranger or whatever.

An awful lot of women go off sex, and countless psychotherapists, experts, sexual counsellors and whatever, have tried to get to the bottom of it.

 

Is it because, biologically speaking, she feels sex is no longer necessary as she has no need to 'procreate and produce more offspring'? We are still animals, after all, and reproductive instincts do work this way. (Can't be that, you're tired with the 'trying for kids' routine....)

 

Does she have a hormonal imbalance, or lack Zinc? It affects libido, and can cause sexual dysfunction in both men and women. (Or is it maybe that you want different things? Pressure to have kids is a huge turn-off. Maybe it's not her, maybe it's you....)

 

Or is it basically, because she feels undervalued, taken for granted and bored?

What have you done for her to make her feel valued, worthwhile, and the most important woman in the room when you're with her, either alone or in company?

 

This last one is perhaps the most telling one of all.

 

For all the multiple reasons there could be, having to look after kids is the biggest and most exhausting turn-off of all, and there's something wonderfully seductive about the man who spontaneously loads the dishwasher, gives the kids a bath and loads the laundry into the washing machine and hangs it up as well....

Having sex with a stranger adds a frisson of danger, excitement and probably does a whole lot to make her feel desirable, wanted and appreciated.

Women have sex and want to be loved. Men often wish to be loved, so like sex as a demo.

There's a difference.

 

 

After reading from other sites I wonder if this is also a lack of self confidence in myself. I had never really had a girlfriend before we met, and have never been intimate with anyone else. I also dont consider myself as good looking, although friends and colleagues to say that 'im a good catch' so to speak!

Then work on yourself. Accept who you are and that nobody can do the job better. Love yourself, not in an egotistical kind of way, but in the fact that you re-evaluate your teperament, character and general persona.

Remember, there are two sides to everyone. Nothing is truer than this for men. We have the inner, private individual that we share intimately with someone else, and we have the outward character that we tend to display for others.

It's only when these two are melded and comfortable with each other, that is to say, that we can be just as true and honest with ourselves as we are with others, that we can say we're not screwed up.

 

Sorry for the essay - but my head is so messed up at the moment, and got no-one else to really turn to!

Then go ahead and rant. Advice is so much easier to give - and take - when there's a 'detachment'. Good luck, hope the above helps.

[redblack66]

And trust me, by the way - if there IS someone else, she won't want to GO to counselling....

 

I would not agree. My wife goes to marriage counseling with me, and

she expressed desire, but her main reason is to figure out "how to deal with me as separated spouse."

 

Does she have a hormonal imbalance, or lack Zinc? It affects libido, and can cause sexual dysfunction in both men and women.

 

Can anybody elaborate or give pointers to hormonal imbalance, or lack Zinc in relation to libido.

[Dazed & Confused]

Hello D&F.... jsut coming in and putting forward a female point of view....

 

 

 

So from what you say, you're apparently the one who instigated the separation, is that right?

 

Sure there was. you've just given it.

There are only so many times you can 'try for the kids' so to speak!

 

Did you promise to change anything and haven't? And remember, the only effective change is the one we willingly make for ourselves. Promising, or trying to change for someone else, or asking someone to change for you, is completely ineffective.

It's always the small things. The house won't fall down fo want of a brick, but eat away at the thin strip of mortar and you have structural crisis....

i've asked a few moths back when things really took a low if there was anything i was doing that was wrong, she expressed a few things, spaontaneous, random texts etc. which i started doing and kept up - starting buying when she wasn't expecting - basically everything she asked for i gave!

 

 

Actually, you're wrong. That's exactly what it is.

You can no longer function in the current atmosphere and climate of your relationship. if you could, or really wanted to, you'd still be there, and doing everything you could to try to make it work. But you decided, effectively, to separate and sever the relationship. That's not my being cruel, it's the way it is, and that's fine.

But you have to make it clear to her that providing nobody else is involved, then perhaps, if you are both really ready, willing and able, you'll go to counselling together. If there IS someone else, then it's over.

And trust me, by the way - if there IS someone else, she won't want to GO to counselling....

Its not that i never want her to sleep with anyone, christ I will eventually too! its just the way she is going about it, almost pre-warning me that she's out this weekend to pull and wanting to know if i would rather she told me or if i found out by a mate! - my issue really is that its 2 weeks is this just a way of getting back at me or just her way of moving on? sleeping with or even getting intimate with anyone at the moment is tha last thing on my mind - and it was me that thought our relationship had hit rock bottom

 

An awful lot of women go off sex, and countless psychotherapists, experts, sexual counsellors and whatever, have tried to get to the bottom of it.

 

Is it because, biologically speaking, she feels sex is no longer necessary as she has no need to 'procreate and produce more offspring'? We are still animals, after all, and reproductive instincts do work this way. (Can't be that, you're tired with the 'trying for kids' routine....)

 

Does she have a hormonal imbalance, or lack Zinc? It affects libido, and can cause sexual dysfunction in both men and women. (Or is it maybe that you want different things? Pressure to have kids is a huge turn-off. Maybe it's not her, maybe it's you....)

 

Or is it basically, because she feels undervalued, taken for granted and bored?

What have you done for her to make her feel valued, worthwhile, and the most important woman in the room when you're with her, either alone or in company?

she says she still wants sex but never feels in the mood to start it.

I've tried and tried everything from romancing her, cooking meals, getting films in but there is nothing. And its not all about just sex its the cuddling and kissing that goes before it, she just not interested!

 

This last one is perhaps the most telling one of all.

 

For all the multiple reasons there could be, having to look after kids is the biggest and most exhausting turn-off of all, and there's something wonderfully seductive about the man who spontaneously loads the dishwasher, gives the kids a bath and loads the laundry into the washing machine and hangs it up as well....

I do the most i can around the home and to look after the kids, even she's said how helpful and supportive i am at looking after them - the kids are far from the cause of our relationship problems

Having sex with a stranger adds a frisson of danger, excitement and probably does a whole lot to make her feel desirable, wanted and appreciated.

Women have sex and want to be loved. Men often wish to be loved, so like sex as a demo.

There's a difference.

Look like this sentence sums a lot up, as much as i have tried to be the man she wants - i cannot compete with the above!

 

Just hope the pain doesnt last too long!

 

As far as myself - i have every intention of becomming the person i once was - before my now-ex changed me.

There are issues to be dealt with before i can really move on - loans borrowed to pay stuff that WE owed but in my name so I'm responsible.

 

I know i will get over this, but it's just so hurtful!

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, you're right. It's a bitch. it does hurt, because you feel, amongst other things, that if you could just do this, do that, try a bit harder, maybe....

 

And no.

You couldn't.

Emotions are going to leap, jump up, settle down, appear, disappear, subside, explode again, and roller-coaster doesn't cover it. Just when you think you've got over the worst of it - wham! something inside you will kick in and tell you in no uncertain terms that, er, no, actually, you haven't.

Right now, there's nothing you can do, other than start learning to let go.

Give yourself Time, Space and dignity.

Concentrate on loving your children. letting them know that things like this happen, and that it doesn't change how much you feel for them, or how valuable they are to you.

 

And one more bit of absolutely invaluable and very, very important advice.

If - IF it comes to you both going your separate ways, then there'll be a divorce settlement and division of everything the two of you have.

Please try as hard as you can to NOT let logical business decisions be clouded or affected by emotion.

Decisions taken in a dispassionate, logical, sensible and business-like manner are usually sound.

Decisions taken in a highly emotional state, never are.

learn to tell the difference, remain dignified, respectful and above all, be kind to one another.

 

Good Luck. Stay in touch.

It was absolutely great once, remember?

[Dazed & Confused]

Divorce not been mentioned yet, but its early days.

And as far as splitting everything - there's only debt to split, and as she made sure (and i was stupid enough) all of them are in my name so I doubt she'll rush to take them off my hands

 

Thanks peeps for all the advice - good/bad to know there's so many other people going through it.

 

I'll be popping in to read other peoples experiences and no doubt with further questions or advice

[Dazed & Confused]

Well had a bad one yesterday - well all over the place really.

She's bragging to everyone about going out and getting wrecked and all this weekend, although giving me serious abuse only day before because she was skint and couldnt afford gas and electric, so i borrowed some money and gave it her.

 

Then find out that she's splashed out on new hair do and clothes ready to go out friday. I ask why she so desparate to go out and say she must be meeting someone (yes wrong i know but i was really peed off)

she replies with "got every intention on finding someone to F??? yeah"

 

It tore me apart - I know i finished with her, but its 2 weeks! a month 2 months down the line I think I'd cope with it but the thought of something happening when she hasnt been with me makes me wonder if she hasn't just wanted to do this all along!

 

How long does it take for the head screw to stop - I think I'm doing OK generally, i know I'm really better off without her I dont miss spending time with her but I go from feeling great to tears in seconds!

[Geishawhelk]

I would not agree. My wife goes to marriage counseling with me, and

she expressed desire, but her main reason is to figure out "how to deal with me as separated spouse."

So yes, in other words, she will go, providing it's a given that it's over, and you're the one with the issue (because she wants to know how to deal with you....) Oh yech....

 

 

 

Can anybody elaborate or give pointers to hormonal imbalance, or lack Zinc in relation to libido.

 

look at this website...

 

and this one here talks specifically about a hormone imbalance driven by the contraceptive pill..

 

And it's not just a female thing....men can experience problems too, it seems....

 

I hope this helps. Thanks for coming in with this.

[sumdude]

Well had a bad one yesterday - well all over the place really.

She's bragging to everyone about going out and getting wrecked and all this weekend, although giving me serious abuse only day before because she was skint and couldnt afford gas and electric, so i borrowed some money and gave it her.

 

Then find out that she's splashed out on new hair do and clothes ready to go out friday. I ask why she so desparate to go out and say she must be meeting someone (yes wrong i know but i was really peed off)

she replies with "got every intention on finding someone to F??? yeah"

 

It tore me apart - I know i finished with her, but its 2 weeks! a month 2 months down the line I think I'd cope with it but the thought of something happening when she hasnt been with me makes me wonder if she hasn't just wanted to do this all along!

 

How long does it take for the head screw to stop - I think I'm doing OK generally, i know I'm really better off without her I dont miss spending time with her but I go from feeling great to tears in seconds!

 

How long the ride lasts ... it depends.. everyone is a but different, the length of the relationship tends to have a lot to do with healing time. At 6 months out of an 8 year relationship I started leveling off, now at 10 I'm mostly back to my old self again.. finally. As much as I get tired of the word it is a process. You have to work at it, do your best to control what you think about most of the time and also make time to feel and get it out of your system.

[Geishawhelk]

Also, remember that in your mind it's been just 2 weeks. In her mind, it could be a lot longer. So you're running on different time-tables, and she is thinking it's about time you got over it, because this has been brewing for a while...

D'you see what I mean?

It may be an interesting point to ask her, if she thinks it's well and truly over, how long she thinks it's been over for...

It might help you re-evaluate your current mind-frame.

I'm not explaining this very well...I'm trying to find a way of altering your perspective, to try to lay a stronger foundation for supporting your feelings...

Is any of this making sense, at all?

[Dazed & Confused]

Yeah i think know what your getting at!

 

If we can ever talk long enough not to argue I'll maybe ask her!

 

I think really, just need to accept that as far as she's concerned I left so I didn't want her so she can do what she pleases - which in one respect is fair enough!

 

I've just got to be the bigger man, accept its gonna happen, keep my chin up and concentrate on moving forward and just being there for my kids!

 

Just a shame you cant fast forward through this 'crappy' phase!

[Geishawhelk]

I hate this saying.

No, really, I really hate this saying.

But it's true.

 

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

 

Try this.

Don't necessarily keep a jounal, but ask yourself at the end of the day,

 

"What have I learnt today that has altered my standpoint?"

 

And sometimes, it will be a bitter pill to swallow, and at other times, it will be both salutory and welcome. But always, always, it will be helping you to grow.

 

So, much as you really might like to FF and skip this bit, you can't.

And it will be a good thing in the long run.

I know.

It doesn't feel like it right now.

Granted.

Because right now, it isn't.

But hang in there, because if, as you say, you are the 'bigger man' as things stand, look ahead and just see what stature you'll achieve in the end.

[Dazed & Confused]

Well what a wierd weekend.

 

She told me yesterday that she 'pulled' friday night, said she didnt sleep with them, but had a bit of kiss and dance etc. did want to tell me who it was which I bluntly refused

is she doing this as a bit of spite - to get at me i tried not to let it show it bothered me, which was hard.

 

Now I'm feeling really odd and all over the place.

Part of me was a little gutted, but then another part of me is pleased.

 

gutted as its only just 2 weeks ago, and this lad is local so part of me is wondering if shes fancied/wanted to do this for a while?

 

But on other hand pleased as I can now think that over the coming months when I'm out or with friends when the opportunity to have 'fun' comes along I wont feel a sense of guilt as she is moving on too!

 

I really know now how true it is above about the next coming months be an emotional rollercoaster - up until last night when she told me I was fine, been out saturday night with friends had a quiet drink and felt positive that my life will get back on track

 

Now feeling all crap again and feel really down today!

[Dazed & Confused]

Into 3rd week of separation and still on major emotional roller coaster.

 

Although we have been on reasonable talking terms in front of our 2 girls, when it comes to talking about how we got to split up, we end up rowing.

 

So yesterday decided to write a letter expressing most of the things I am feeling, and how i think we ended up getting where we are.

 

It partly helped then it partly didnt. She said that she still couldn't beleive that I walked out on the family over such 'trivial' things

(basically, treated like glorified babysitter, she was always at family or friends houses after i got in from work, went out every other week even though we are in serious debt, never cutchy or intimate, didnt like me going anywhere without her even though she went everywhere with out me, becoming increasingly secretive with phone.......)

 

I'm not saying I've been a perfect husband, but having asked her if there was anything i do that annoys her or something she'd like me to change and there was nothing.

 

I have decided to go see a councillor just to talk things through with someone who is not biased towards either of us, just to check if there is something that can be done, although at the moment i don't beleive we have a future together as the things listed above are things that have always bugged me but have put up with!

 

What i'm really asking is:-

1. Should i ask her to come to councelling sessions, or should i go on my own first to see whether its just issues I have?

 

She went out last friday and pulled someone, told me that she done it to hurt me and all, I asked who it was, but she wouldnt tell me as if we were to get back then I would never like her speaking to him (he is local)

2. Am i better off not knowing who this guy was? or is it best just not to know - i mixed about this?

 

I have said that unitl the councelling sessions and stuff have been and I have a better understanding of what is going on - that I wouldn't be going out on pull, chatting up, kissing girls etc. but she said "well kissing doesn't mean anything", but if one of us sleep with someone then that will be it.

3. Am i being a little thick here, or is she just liking tha fact that we may get back together, but want to enjoy the single part of it until we know?

 

Although I was the one that ended our relationship, the way she's be behaving is as if she didn't really care about me much anyway - afterall, I was the one that wanted the cuddles, kisses etc..... but I'm not going out on the look out for new women to play around with!

 

Im so damn confused!

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think you have anything to lose by inviting her to attend counseling. If nothing else is accomplished, perhaps it would improve the co-parenting relationship. In fact, the two of you really should be focusing on the needs of the children, not playing around trying to make each other jealous.

[Dazed & Confused]

Thanks Lady!

I think I'll pass on some of that advice! I really don't know why she thinks she has to keep making me jealous, I spose if I stopped showing that it hurt so much she might stop - but its hard!

 

The kids are my priority - beleive it or not another reason of the list for leaving. As much as it tears me up not being a constant part of their lives - just part-time, bringing them up in an environment of arguments can't of been much good for them either!

 

Well I'll offer her the opportunity to come once they get back to me regarding an appointment and see how it goes.

 

p.s. been reading your advice on some other people issues and been finding it really useful, and helps put things in perspective!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thanks Lady!

I think I'll pass on some of that advice! I really don't know why she thinks she has to keep making me jealous, I spose if I stopped showing that it hurt so much she might stop - but its hard!

 

The kids are my priority - beleive it or not another reason of the list for leaving. As much as it tears me up not being a constant part of their lives - just part-time, bringing them up in an environment of arguments can't of been much good for them either!

 

Well I'll offer her the opportunity to come once they get back to me regarding an appointment and see how it goes.

 

p.s. been reading your advice on some other people issues and been finding it really useful, and helps put things in perspective!

 

She sounds like she got a whole lot of anger issues. You should distance yourself from her to protect yourself and your feelings. Detached and loving. She's acting out looking for attention. Why? I dont know. But she needs a hug.

 

Next time you see her. You hug her and squeeze I mean apologize for every unimagined hurt, all the pain that you might or might not have caused.

 

I think she's in alot of pain but she wont have a decent conversation with you to find out what's going on.

[Dazed & Confused]

Well spent a few hours there last night to see girls, and then stayed after they were sleeping for a bit. Had a bit of a chat and cuddle. I think we're getting to understand each other, but still feel a little odd. Not sure if it's just the 'remembering the good times syndrome'

 

Definately not wanting to go back or get too involved again until we've had professional help though as I know there are issues we both have that need to be resolved, and without doing so will probably just slip back into old ways.

 

Have emailed and voiced messaged relate but haven't had response yet

[Dazed & Confused]

Have a first meeting with Relate this afternoon, so will see what they say, and help to decide what the hell is going on in my head!

 

Forgot to ask the person on the phone, but just wondering if there is anything i should prepare before the meeting to make the first meeting successful and get the most I can out of it. Or should i just turn up and see what happens?

[sumdude]

Have a first meeting with Relate this afternoon, so will see what they say, and help to decide what the hell is going on in my head!

 

Forgot to ask the person on the phone, but just wondering if there is anything i should prepare before the meeting to make the first meeting successful and get the most I can out of it. Or should i just turn up and see what happens?

 

 

I would say that the most important thing to do is listen... go with it, ride the wave don't fight it.

 

Put imaginary duct tape over your mouth.... whetever she says do not defend ... you can't reason with feelings, you can't argue with feelings... they just are. When your time comes to speak... be patient. Maybe you two can come to some way of communicating that works. Listening to each other... not talking past each other... not returning to the usual cycle of communicating. Most of the time it's the years of relating a certain way that gets in the way. Breaking that cycle is important.. even when only one of you is consciously doing it keep it up.

 

I heard an interesting description of a marriage once... it's like two people in a canoe... if one moves the other must adjust.. if you don't the thing tips over.

[Dazed & Confused]

Well went to meeting, and she did turn up aswell.

Started off badly, she was very defensive and basically said that everything i was saying was a load of crap and that "she wasn't going to listen to this ****".

 

Then the Councellor started with all the basics of ground rules and stuff, not talking over each other - like said above really, which helped. Have promised to each other to discuss things properly, wait turns and all that.

 

Have booked 1 a week for a months trial to see what happens.

 

My only concern now is I wonder why I'm going to these sessions. I dont think its to get back together, but I do feel we have a lot of issues with each other, that perhaps we have never truly spoke about! Other than the children, at the moment I really dont want to be back living there or even together, but at the same time I dont want to be out 'putting it about town' so to speak in case I got it wrong and we do work it out?!

 

Are these just normal feeling do you think, or is it really over? Looking at the other thread on "when is it over" then i begin to think it was over a long time ago!

 

Although the thought of her being intimate with someone else still really gets to me (something she hasn't been with me in a long while - too tired, not in mood etc.) I don't feel as upset or miserable anymore.

 

I'm seeing the children regularly and they seem fine with whats going on, and I haven't got constant worry having affair, spending money instead of paying bills.

 

Even my friends and work colleagues are saying how much happier I am! Don't seem to be having as many sleep issues - in fact dont think ive woken at night in well over a week!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well went to meeting, and she did turn up aswell.

Started off badly, she was very defensive and basically said that everything i was saying was a load of crap and that "she wasn't going to listen to this ****".

 

Then the Councellor started with all the basics of ground rules and stuff, not talking over each other - like said above really, which helped. Have promised to each other to discuss things properly, wait turns and all that.

 

Have booked 1 a week for a months trial to see what happens.

 

My only concern now is I wonder why I'm going to these sessions. I dont think its to get back together, but I do feel we have a lot of issues with each other, that perhaps we have never truly spoke about! Other than the children, at the moment I really dont want to be back living there or even together, but at the same time I dont want to be out 'putting it about town' so to speak in case I got it wrong and we do work it out?!

 

Are these just normal feeling do you think, or is it really over? Looking at the other thread on "when is it over" then i begin to think it was over a long time ago!

 

Although the thought of her being intimate with someone else still really gets to me (something she hasn't been with me in a long while - too tired, not in mood etc.) I don't feel as upset or miserable anymore.

 

I'm seeing the children regularly and they seem fine with whats going on, and I haven't got constant worry having affair, spending money instead of paying bills.

 

Even my friends and work colleagues are saying how much happier I am! Don't seem to be having as many sleep issues - in fact dont think ive woken at night in well over a week!

 

Hey man, just do stuff for your kids and stay positive, It's frustrating being in limbo, now your at that moment of peace. She's gonna attempt to come back when you move on. Dont fall for it. unless she's 100% on board!!! If she waffles end it and walk away, no talking, no negotiating. Nothing.