My Story

[reboot]

I have made a few "friends" here that are interested in my story, so I started this thread so we could have a place to talk without continuing to hijack other threads. "My story" is nothing special, it's just another like so many others here.

 

My wife had an affair.

 

Some of it is scattered around in other threads throughout the forum (some of which have been deleted). I'm not going to rehash the entire sorrid tale right off the bat, but if anyone wants to know any specific details, I'll try to share. I'm not looking for advice really (at the moment anyway), just a place to talk.

 

Anyone that has questions, comments, pearls of wisdom, or just kind words, I'll do my best to respond to them here.

 

Anyone that wants to blast me for staying with a cheater, knock yourself out. I assure you I've heard it all before.

[JackJack]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry that happened to you. Hope you are doing ok and working through things if its what you want to do.

[whichwayisup]

Just shows what a big heart you have and to give your W a second chance to prove herself to you.

 

I hope that she is working her @ss off and doing everything possible to make you feel loved again and proving that she is worthy of your faith and trust again too.

[White Flower]

I have made a few "friends" here that are interested in my story, so I started this thread so we could have a place to talk without continuing to hijack other threads. "My story" is nothing special, it's just another like so many others here.

 

My wife had an affair.

 

Some of it is scattered around in other threads throughout the forum (some of which have been deleted). I'm not going to rehash the entire sorrid tale right off the bat, but if anyone wants to know any specific details, I'll try to share. I'm not looking for advice really (at the moment anyway), just a place to talk.

 

Anyone that has questions, comments, pearls of wisdom, or just kind words, I'll do my best to respond to them here.

 

Anyone that wants to blast me for staying with a cheater, knock yourself out. I assure you I've heard it all before.

Thanks for posting this reboot. You are an example of how couple can heal and I will be visiting this thread daily! I know you are a work in progress, but I am congratulating you anyway.

 

So, have you gone to MC?

 

And that song, Stay, it made you cry. How profound that a song which portrays an OW pining for her MM would reach you. Did it in any way make you understand what your wife was going through? I think you are the kind of guy who wants to understand all perspectives and I really respect that.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi Reboot.

 

I don't wish to blast you for "staying with a cheater." I think it's very strong and loving of you. Don't they always say, "Love always forgives?" I admire you for loving her enough to forgive her and stay with her. I'm assuming she is very sorry and she has stopped cheating?? I think that it can work if that's the case. Cheating is a HUGE mistake (more than that... I think it shows a lack of character and true love and that something is missing inside the person who cheats), but, like everything else, it can be fixed if the person truly wishes to change and start ACTING like they love the person they're with. Best wishes!!! ~Nadia

[Cobra_X30]

How to keep this short and to the point... I'm not sure if that's possible...

 

The guy was actually the brother of one of her childhood girlfriends and she had known him since she was 12 or something. She ran into him a few years back, hadn't seen him in, I dunno, 20 some odd years. In any case, it was way before we got married when she'd last seen him (there had never been anything romantic between them way back then).

 

I'm pretty confident the beginnings of this thing were really innocent. They were just two people that went way back, shooting the breeze, sharing memories, "remember when we rode our bikes to such and such place" and "remember when so and so slipped and skinned her knee". I can imagine, I'd been there a couple of times myself when I'd run into old friends. He came over to our house several times early on, met me, sat around with us. He called her sometimes, she never tried to hide it. I trusted my wife completely and never thought a thing about it.

 

Then we got to a very bad place in our marriage. It had nothing to do with him. Some people will read this and say "riiiight", but it really didn't. I'll spare you all the gory details, but we had several things go wrong all at once. Extended family problems, job problems, a child that got into some big trouble... Not only was our marriage at a bad place, but we were each at a bad place personally too.

 

And then, like so many couples before us, instead of turning to each other, we turned away. I threw myself into "fixing" everything (god it sucks to be a man sometimes, we always have to "fix" everything, it's ingrained in us I guess). I didn't include her, I didn't want or need her help, hell, I blamed her for most of it. And she blamed me. And the sad part is a lot of it wasn't really either of our faults, it was just life standing up and slapping us in the face. It happens to everyone sooner or later.

 

And she turned to her "friend". He had had an accident and couldn't drive, so he started asking her to take him places. To the doctor, the grocery store, the pharmacy. And that didn't ring any alarm bells for me. But then the phone calls started being private, she would go into another room and shut the door rather than talk in front of me, and the errands started taking longer.

 

I truely believe that, at this point, she was just getting an emotional "fix" that I either wasn't able or willing to give her then. But it was getting way past making me uncomfortable, so I talked to her about it. I told her it was getting out of line. But she said no, I was wrong, he wasn't like that, and even if he was, she wasn't. She was very strong in her conviction that it would not happen to her. She just wasn't built that way. I tried to tell her, we all have our weak spots and no one is immune. But she wouldn't listen.

 

And people started telling me things, things they'd heard him say. It was pretty obvious from his actions and these things he said to these other people what his agenda was. He was a predator pure and simple. I found out later she wasn't the first, and probably not the last either. But I could never get her to see it.

 

Anyway, I suppose the rest isn't hard to guess. She played with fire, she got burned.

 

I scroll back and read all this, and I appologize. I certainly didn't mean for it to be so long, and, believe it or not, I've left an awful lot of it out. I guess I just couldn't bear to merely say, "yeah, my wife had this friend and decided to screw him".

 

You make your wife read this. There's a message here for her. It CAN happen to you. It can happen to any of us. A fight with the spouse, a drink with the "buddy", and suddenly your life is changed forever. The ONLY way to be sure is to NEVER put yourself into a position where it can happen. Might as well decide right now if it's likely to be worth it.

 

When I confronted her with proof and she knew that he had to go or her marriage was over. And for whatever it's worth, she made that decision immediately and with no hesitation.

 

To save everyone some legwork... I pulled your story from the other thread.

[Trialbyfire]

reboot, you're a helluva' lot more forgiving than I could ever be, over a spouse who cheats. She better be thanking her lucky stars that you are.

[Tomcat33]

Wow Reboot I never knew your story thank you for posting it again. It is filled with valuable insight and I appreciate that you told it in such a candid way, not from a place of blame but from a place of recognizing why you think things happened as they did.

 

I think that if you are happy and in a better place for what you lived and managed to overcome alongside your spouse, who are any of us to judge you or your choices. Even if you are not we are still no one to judge your decision.

 

are you happy? or in a better place? I do hope so. I know the hurt might still be there but do you feel that you are reconnecting again with her?

[bish]

Anyone that has questions, comments, pearls of wisdom, or just kind words, I'll do my best to respond to them here.

 

Anyone that wants to blast me for staying with a cheater, knock yourself out. I assure you I've heard it all before.

 

I'm not going to blast you for staying with a cheater. I know full well the thoughts that run through the mind of someone that tries to stay with a cheater...I've been there.

 

In the end..there was simply no way I would put up with living the rest of my life looking at her face and not wanting to slap it (no I am not violent and have never hit anyone in my life...but some things you just dream of doing).

 

So for me divorce was the solution.

 

On a side note, she is really regretting it..not because I think she wants to be with me, but she lost her comfy home, now lives with someone who is verbally abusive towards her...and although he isn't physically abusive, yet, he did blacken his ex-wife's eyes right before they divorced.

 

So only NOW does she see what misery really is...and misery is not simply getting bored with M as she did. So they get what is coming to them in the end. Someone once told me that, but i didn't believe it.

[Art_Critic]

So you " Rebooted " After the crash.. Good for you..

 

Not stepping away from the marriage and working it out is the most commendable thing.. it would've been easy to just throw some blame around and walk away and sticking with it after such a hard thing to accept shows what kind of man you are RB...

[herenow]

Reboot,

 

I haven't been here in a while, but I'm glad to see that you are still giving your marriage a chance. Last year around Thanksgiving I was searching for answers. I was convinced that the trust I had in my H was gone for good and that there was no way I could really love him the way I did before.

 

A year later, I find that the trust I had in my H is indeed gone. It was a false trust based on a marriage vow that we both took for granted. The trust I have in my H today is real, we both realize that marriage is so much more than a contract. It's a commitment to each other to equally give and take. To understand and respect. To be open to criticism and change. I learned that my marriage, like anything else, needs to be attended to for it to work.

 

Just like the trust has changed for the better, so has my love for my H. He made some serious life changes after his affair. I made some much needed changes as well. He proved his love to me in so many ways and my love for him is deeper than before. It took time. There is no quick fix and every relationship is different.

 

I wish you the best and hope you are able to find the trust and love to build a better marriage than you had before.

[whichwayisup]

A family friend of ours cheated on his wife, they went through a living hell for 4 years but finally have come out on top of the world. They re-said their vows (which they each wrote for eachother) this past summer, infront of close friends and family.

 

Just something to consider later on down the road if this is something you and your W (or you HN and your H) would like to do.

[jj2007]

I have made a few "friends" here that are interested in my story, so I started this thread so we could have a place to talk without continuing to hijack other threads. "My story" is nothing special, it's just another like so many others here.

 

My wife had an affair.

 

Some of it is scattered around in other threads throughout the forum (some of which have been deleted). I'm not going to rehash the entire sorrid tale right off the bat, but if anyone wants to know any specific details, I'll try to share. I'm not looking for advice really (at the moment anyway), just a place to talk.

 

Anyone that has questions, comments, pearls of wisdom, or just kind words, I'll do my best to respond to them here.

 

Anyone that wants to blast me for staying with a cheater, knock yourself out. I assure you I've heard it all before.

 

 

I just want to say I am so sorry for what you went through and what you are still going through everyday. This is such a long hard road for those of us who have been betrayed and you give me hope.

[BetrayedMM]

Wow, this sounds a bit TOO familiar.

 

Ya know, after reading your story, I now(again) suspect my wife of yet another(simultaneous) A.

 

I had KNOWN something was going on, had suspected her of having an A with one guy, turned out to be another instead. Or was it instead? Now I'm thinking both... especially since the one I first suspected's wife thinks he's cheating... I thought so too, both with my wife, and, someone else's wife as well.

 

I gotta stop reading this forum for a while... it's too depressing to keep getting pounded with the truth...

[Trialbyfire]

Wow, this sounds a bit TOO familiar.

 

Ya know, after reading your story, I now(again) suspect my wife of yet another(simultaneous) A.

 

I had KNOWN something was going on, had suspected her of having an A with one guy, turned out to be another instead. Or was it instead? Now I'm thinking both... especially since the one I first suspected's wife thinks he's cheating... I thought so too, both with my wife, and, someone else's wife as well.

 

I gotta stop reading this forum for a while... it's too depressing to keep getting pounded with the truth...

If I were you, I would keep reading and learning, while you're still addressing the issues. Once you've moved to the level of honestly going forward and healing instead of suppressing, you should stop reading both the Infidelity and the OW/OM forum.

 

There are other forums on this site which are interesting, where you can put your efforts to helping others but not from an infidelity aspect, and forums that are just, plain relaxing fun. Once you've truly moved on and nothing she does can get to you, why not come back into this forum and help others through your experiences?

 

Food for thought.

[reboot]

Wow. So many kind words, so many nice people. Thanks to all those that replied. Several of you have been real inspirations. I won't call any names, but if you think I might be talking about you, you're probably right.

 

And several of you haven't been "inspirational", but I've still enjoyed your POV and have enjoyed arguing with you. You also know who you are.

 

And here's the question I knew someone was going to ask....

 

So, have you gone to MC?

I almost hate to answer this.

 

No. She has been trying to get us to MC almost from the beginning. I've resisted. You can probably gather from my posts that I'm what you might call a "self medicator".

 

And not only that, but the last couple of years have been a whirlwind. Within about 4 or 5 months of d-day I had found a job in another state and moved us. Partially because of the A, but not at all entirely.

 

The company I was working for at the time was about to go belly up. I'd lost my insurance and benefits, and whether or not my paycheck would be good had become an adventure. We had gone from living comfortably to constantly worrying if we were going to lose everything.

 

There were some other issues also, like my oldest son deciding that drinking and drugs and some pretty pathetic new "friends" were more important than family and school.... And issues beyond those that I won't even bore you with.... It was like my whole world came crashing down all at once.

 

Anyway, the point is, I said, screw this place. Did I run away? Call it what you will. I found a job in a neighboring state, rented a cheap apartment, and told her she could come with me or stay there, her choice. She came with me. We put the house up for sale, picked up and moved. And spent most of the next year finding a house in the new city. We didn't really have much time to work on or talk about things we were so busy house hunting. Or maybe that was just an excuse....

 

Then once we got the new house, we had to spend a lot of time going back to get our stuff, most of which had been put in storage. So, a good deal of time has passed with no real resolution to a lot of things.

 

Most things are light years better now. The new job came with a rather large pay increase (and the checks don't bounce!) and lots more benefits. The kids love the new place. My oldest graduated high school this past spring as Salutorian. He started college this fall with a full academic scholarship. I'm really proud how he turned things around. My wife loves the new house. I let her pick it. She had lots of family and friends where we were, and I know she misses them, but she got her "dream house" at least.

 

As far as the marriage, we've actually made a lot of progress on our own. We've learned how to argue without dirty fighting. We've learned how to listen when the other one talks. We've learned a lot. As I said in another thread, had we known then what we know now, it probably wouldn't have ever happened. And yet things are still badly broken. There are so many things we need to talk about and put behind us, but I guess we're both scared of doing further damage. We're in a "holding pattern" I guess you could say.

 

In any case, I said all that to explain why no MC so far. It seems like it should be an obvious choice. I'm encourged in some respects because there have been a lot of threads here where the WS has to be threatened into MC. Oddly, my WS has been the one pushing it on reluctant me. And I am convinced now. I agreed. We're looking for one right now. The big problem now is, how do you pick one? *sigh*

 

A family friend of ours cheated on his wife, they went through a living hell for 4 years but finally have come out on top of the world. They re-said their vows (which they each wrote for eachother) this past summer, infront of close friends and family.

 

Just something to consider later on down the road if this is something you and your W (or you HN and your H) would like to do.

WWIU, I have indeed thought about this, should we ever get to that point. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

Thanks again to everyone for the support.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks reboot. You've just given me an epiphany moment about where I stand in life. Now to decide if I want to stand there or not.

[reboot]

Thanks reboot. You've just given me an epiphany moment about where I stand in life. Now to decide if I want to stand there or not.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

[Blue Eyed Brain]

We've all done things that we said we would NEVER do..... no one can point the finger at anyone.

 

We all have issues. That's what makes these boards so interesting.....

 

Tell us more and we can talk...

[bish]

We've all done things that we said we would NEVER do..... no one can point the finger at anyone.

 

In general...thats true.

 

But with regards to cheating there are some of us who have NEVER done that, were never a willing accomplice to, or ever will be.

[dbtmarley]

Reboot,

 

Just wanted to give you props on working things out. In my opinion it takes a strong man to do so... something I was not able to do myself.

 

Good luck to you and your wife...

[PandorasBox]

I hope things work out for you reboot. I have been through cheating, and I chose not to stay in my marriage. Of course, that doesn't mean it wont work or couldn't work for others, I just wasn't willing to try and make things work for various reasons. I do admire people who want to at least try to work on things. So, I hope it all works out the way you hope it will. Take one day at a time.

[Darth Vader]

Reboot, I know that you know that your children know what your wife did to you. Does that make sense, I hope so. Anyway, have they expressed their views on the subject of your wife cheating? Yes, they do have every right to express themselves on the matter, because your wife cheated on them as well.

 

You're not to blame at all, she is. You tried to communicate with her, but, she wouldn't, and she wouldn't even listen. It's all her fault about her Affair!

 

You're very rare indeed, most men and women wouldn't stay. Sorry about the circumstances.

[Trialbyfire]

Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

It's always a good thing when something that's been bugging you, crystallizes. Once it does this, it can be dealt with, instead of a lingering malaise.

[reboot]

Reboot, I know that you know that your children know what your wife did to you. Does that make sense, I hope so. Anyway, have they expressed their views on the subject of your wife cheating? Yes, they do have every right to express themselves on the matter, because your wife cheated on them as well.

My kids know something inappropriate went on. I do not know how much they know. I did not feel it was appropriate for me to tell them. We (my kids and myself) did discuss the possibility that there might be a divorce, and what that might mean and what decisions they would have to make. They are 18 and 14 now, which means (in the state I live in at least) that they can choose who they want to live with, unless one parent can be proven unfit of course. They both made it very clear they would want to stay with me. Like I said, I don't know how much they know, but they know enough to harbor some resentment for her. Especially the oldest. And that's really sad, being a good mom was always important to her.