I broke up my marriage

[I Cheated]

Hello everyone. Where do I start? I cheated on my wife soon after we were married. Not only did I cheat, I cheated over a year with my co-worker who was 20 years younger than me. She wasn't attractive, my wife is beautiful, but I got emotionally involved and it went from there. Anyway, my W and I tried to reconcile and for the most part we were on our way then one morning she got up and told me that no matter how she tries, she just can't get the visuals out of her mind. She said she was tired and worn out from this and the only thing she knew to do was to leave and try to start over. I'm heartbroken. I love my wife so much but it's my fault and I know that. I have absolutely no contact with the OW, as a matter of fact, I really despise her. I want my wife back, is there any hope? She loves me, she's said so, but she can't get beyond the betrayal and she's afraid that it'll be a waste of time for us to try and reconcile because in the end, she would always have a void in our marriage and a pit in her stomach. Please help. I'm so sad and so heartbroken.

[Woggle]

Now ask yourself if the cheap thrill of the OW was worth it. If you are truly sorry good luck trying to save your marriage but your wife has every right to not want to be with you anymore.

[Leia]

You were emotionally involved with another woman and now you despise her for it? You should be heartbroken. My uncle (not that he deserved to be called that) is a cheater like you and I don't feel sorry at all for him or you. You wrecked your marriage and you should be sad. Hope? No way. Your wife is better off without you. I can understand why she still loves you because she was faithful to you and waited for you to come home to her every night when you were together but you were too busy getting emotionally involved with another woman!

[Dazed & Confused]

Got to agree with above really, as much as you dont want to hear it.

My dad done it at least 2 times (that my mum knows about) been 6 years and my mum and him dont speak and even now I dont forgive him. We are on talking terms and all but I could still give him an arse kicking for waht he done.

 

As per your story the people involved were not more attractive, intelligent that my mum, dont know what pocessed him to do it.

 

My wife and I have recently split over a whole herd of issues, but around 5 years ago she was kissing and dancing with a boy in a club where i was working - and even now i can't get that image out of my mind!

 

So to be honest - i can understand why your wife doesn't want to know.

[Woggle]

I really do not understand men who have a good woman that truly appreciates him and then go and cheat so they can ruin it. Do men think women like that are easy to find?

[whichwayisup]

Not too sure how old you are, but it seems you didn't really believe your marriage vows, so maybe you weren't really ready to tie the knot and live up to your vows "forever".

 

Let your wife go. If and when she feels she's ready to work on the marriage, give you another chance, she'll come find you..But, until then, let her sort out HER feelings of the hurt and betrayal you caused her. Put yourself in HER shoes, sympathize and empathize with her.

 

If she had cheated on you so quickly after saying I DO, don't ya think YOU would be thinking twice about your future with her??? My guess is YES, you would be.

 

Get some counselling, work on yourself, find out why you cheated and why your wife wasn't enough to satisfy your needs. Maybe, if she sees you getting help, that action will help her give you a second chance. You saying sorry I cheated, I don't know why I did it, is NOT going to give you that second chance...You MUST prove to her YOU are worthy of another shot. Another thing you can do is QUIT your job so you won't be around the OW. Even if you're in NC with her, working at the same place as her will NOT help you one bit.

 

Good luck.

[I Cheated]

I know I deserve what I get and I accept that. My wife was such a giving, loving person. She was my world, she made my life complete. What was I thinking? Why did I do this? I'm thinking it was a mid-life crises or something. I'm not trying to excuse it, I can't make sense of it. I've done everything that was recommended to make amends, my life is an open-book. I let her see everything, my cell phone, my bank statements, anything she wanted to know, I told her. But the questions she asked and I answered truthfully only stabbed me in the back because it was too much for her to handle.

 

Is there any advise out there on how to win my wife back? Or do you think I should just move on and forget her and try to forgive myself?

[whichwayisup]

What was I thinking? Why did I do this? I'm thinking it was a mid-life crises or something. I'm not trying to excuse it, I can't make sense of it.

 

Have you really done everything possible? Are you in counselling to help you answer these questions?

 

You cannot win her back if she isn't willing to give you a chance to make it right again. She also may not be the type of person who gives second chances as not all betrayed spouses feel their cheating spouse is worthy of it. Some forgive but never forget, some never forgive and can't forget, and it's too painful.

[I Cheated]

We were together 3 years post affair. This is a second marriage for both. I got a divorse from my first wife because she cheated. I stayed with her for 16 years post affair, I know all too well the pain of an affair. As a matter of fact, that's why I started up with the OW, she found out her husband was cheating and I felt sorry for her. Damn what a vicious cirlce.

[whichwayisup]

So, you understand the pain involved and the betrayal. I don't understand then how you could turn around and allow yourself to involved with another woman. WHO cares if the OW's husband cheated on her, she was wrong to turn to you, and you were wrong to befriend her and try to help her during that vunerable time.

 

After 16 years post affair, why did the marriage end?

 

Sadly yes, it is a vicious circle and it's now caused alot of unnecessary pain - Enough that you could lose your present wife.

[Kasan]

IC--

 

It doesn't sound good--but if it were me, I would do whatever it takes to make this right--be it counseling with her, or by yourself. I would answer any questions that she has and I would also ask her what would it take to make this right.

 

Trust is a hard thing to get back, and you might never gain her trust back. On top of this, are the visuals she is seeing in her head of you with another woman. She might see your decision to cheat as a choice and not a mistake, which could make her less able to forgive you.

 

Leave no stone unturned.

[I Cheated]

After 16 years post affair, why did the marriage end?

 

 

She cheated again. Once a cheater, always a cheater? I see my wife's point and I understand her leaving, but I dont' want her to. I want a second chance. I've been to counseling, we went to counseling together, then decided to reconcile. Why after all this time and all our work, would she throw the towel in now? She tells me that she just can't get it back. What is "it"? What is she talking about?

 

She might see your decision to cheat as a choice and not a mistake

 

That's what she said! I made a choice to end this marriage when I cheated. She doesn't see it as a mistake. She said that because we talked about infidelity a lot before we got married, she felt that I knew where she stood with this behaviour, which I did, I want to take it all back....I want my wife.....

[Kasan]

That's what she said! I made a choice to end this marriage when I cheated. She doesn't see it as a mistake. She said that because we talked about infidelity a lot before we got married, she felt that I knew where she stood with this behaviour, which I did, I want to take it all back....I want my wife.....

 

You see, I would see it the same way as your wife does, it would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

 

I am going to bow out now as I don't have any advice to give you. Good luck--I hope that you can work things out.

[I Cheated]

I understand everyone’s intolerance to cheating. I absolutely think it’s wrong, yet I find myself where I never thought I would be. I know how pathetic I sound and I also know that I did this to myself. I wish I could turn back time – I would do so many things differently.

 

Just one question that I would like some help with, please. After reconciling for 3 years, why would she decide to leave? I know she was sad at times, I saw it in her face and I never invaded that. I only told her that I was there if she wanted to talk. Yet what she wanted to talk about was the affair and frankly, I got sick of hearing about it, but I never told her that. I encouraged her to leave it in the past and for us to build on our future. She seemed to be doing that fine so I’m I little confused. Did I force her to struggle on her own? What did I do terribly wrong after reconciliation? Why after 3 years of trying to re-build she just decided it wasn’t worth it? I was led to believe that things were fine. I am frankly shocked that she left – I’m not even sure after 3 years it was about the affair anymore. I know that’s probably what planted the seed of doubt in her mind, but I would like your opinions, please. Am I reading her totally wrong?

Okay that's more than one question. Thank you for letting me post my feelings. And no matter how hard you all are on me, no one can be any harder on me than myself.

[Kasan]

I understand everyone’s intolerance to cheating. I absolutely think it’s wrong, yet I find myself where I never thought I would be. I know how pathetic I sound and I also know that I did this to myself. I wish I could turn back time – I would do so many things differently.

 

Just one question that I would like some help with, please. After reconciling for 3 years, why would she decide to leave? I know she was sad at times, I saw it in her face and I never invaded that. I only told her that I was there if she wanted to talk. Yet what she wanted to talk about was the affair and frankly, I got sick of hearing about it, but I never told her that. I encouraged her to leave it in the past and for us to build on our future. She seemed to be doing that fine so I’m I little confused. Did I force her to struggle on her own? What did I do terribly wrong after reconciliation? Why after 3 years of trying to re-build she just decided it wasn’t worth it? I was led to believe that things were fine. I am frankly shocked that she left – I’m not even sure after 3 years it was about the affair anymore. I know that’s probably what planted the seed of doubt in her mind, but I would like your opinions, please. Am I reading her totally wrong?

Okay that's more than one question. Thank you for letting me post my feelings. And no matter how hard you all are on me, no one can be any harder on me than myself.

 

IC--

 

I hear your anguish--and I have no idea why your wife has suddenly decided to let go of the marriage. Maybe she just couldn't do it anymore.

 

I have been looking through some of the threads because there was a guy here named Dazed whose wife did to him what you did to your wife. He stayed with her for three years and then finally left.

 

I don't have the time to continue to look for this thread, but maybe someone here can help you out.

 

His thread was the most honest thing I think that I have read and it might give you some valuable insight into what your wife is thinking and feeling.

 

His name was Dazed, and he recently came back and gave an update about his life.

 

I would definitely spend the time looking for his thread.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

This is DazednConfused thread. He is now rejoined under the username Dazed1.

 

Your wife maybe couldn't get past the affair. After 3 years, she's probably still very hurt and feeling betrayed, haunted by visuals of you with another woman. Maybe in her heart, even if she still loves you, it's not enough to continue the marriage and a life share with you.

[joekurtz]

She cheated again. Once a cheater, always a cheater? I see my wife's point and I understand her leaving, but I dont' want her to. I want a second chance. I've been to counseling, we went to counseling together, then decided to reconcile. Why after all this time and all our work, would she throw the towel in now? She tells me that she just can't get it back. What is "it"? What is she talking about?

 

 

 

That's what she said! I made a choice to end this marriage when I cheated. She doesn't see it as a mistake. She said that because we talked about infidelity a lot before we got married, she felt that I knew where she stood with this behaviour, which I did, I want to take it all back....I want my wife.....

 

I'm not one to judge. People make mistakes & horrible decisions all the time. Every minute of every day. Myself included. So, I'm not about to try to make you feel worse than you already do.

 

I just don't understand your allowing your affair to go on for so long, when you knew how destructive it would be to your marriage were your wife to find out about it. Which, obviously, happened. Especiallywhen you say that you didn't even find this co-worker all that physically attractive.

 

I think that maybe, just maybe, your wife could understand & perhaps be more forgiving had it been a one time thing. A drunken tryst that you immediately regretted. But, it went on & on. That's what I think is the "killer" for her. Know what I mean?

 

Again, please don't take my confusion for condemnation. I just don't get it.

 

Were you particularly close to this co-worker before the affair?

 

Why did she feel the need to seek you out for comfort from her own husband's infidelity? And, more importantly, why did you need feel compelled to provide it to that extreme? I mean, I can see lending a shoulder to her, but that's the ONLY body part!

 

Sorry mate, I know this isn't a laughing matter & that you're obviously in real pain over this split with your wife, but I couldn't resist just one (albeit poor) attempt at levity among all the sorrow & regret here.

 

And what IS with the ill will toward the OW now?

 

Is it just the (understandable) transference of self loathing regarding the affair toward the other party involved, which is often a normal thing from what I understand, or is there more to it. Perhaps she took it upon herself to inform your wife of the relationship? Just wondering.

 

Well my friend, all I offer in the way of advise is more counseling.

 

If you can get her to participate in it with you, great. That means that there's a wee bit more hope I would think. But, even if you can't, I'm sure a professional will be able to help you deal with it all & cope with whatever happens much better than you trying to do it all by yourself.

 

Take care & peace.

[sumdude]

We were together 3 years post affair. This is a second marriage for both. I got a divorse from my first wife because she cheated. I stayed with her for 16 years post affair, I know all too well the pain of an affair. As a matter of fact, that's why I started up with the OW, she found out her husband was cheating and I felt sorry for her. Damn what a vicious cirlce.

 

Having been on the other side of an affair I just don't get how you could have done the same thing to someone else... Or how you would expect your wife to do anything differently than you did. That's some backwards karma. That your current wife may be paying for the sins of your ex? Now you have to pay too...

 

don't know what else to say...

 

good luck

[I Cheated]

I tried to break it off with the OW many times but she began to say things like, I wonder what your wife would think if she knew, and I wonder what they would think if the people at the office knew....then the reason I despise her was because she began a relationship with my daughter via e-mail. She began to invade my life and I felt trapped.

 

I don't blame my wife, I just want her back - I'm so, so sorry. I would do anything to take all of this back. I screwed up a wonderful marriage and what's worse, I screwed up a woman from being confident, loving to a woman who no longer is sure of herself. I'm so very sorry. Can't she forgive me? Will I ever win her heart back? Tell me if I can. I'm so empty.

[Kasan]

IC--

 

Read the thread that WWIU posted for you. Read these forums, there are all kinds of women who have been betrayed by their husbands. Some women stayed, some didn't.

 

A couple of your posts have stood out to me--you wondered if you were having a mid life crisis, and then you implied that your OW blackmailed by threatening to tell your family.

 

Let me be clear here, you weren't the victim, your wife was. IC--you have spent three years post affair and she wants to leave.

 

Maybe some distance (as has been suggested to you already) apart might be a good thing. Maybe your wife will come back, maybe she won't but in any event, counseling for you might help give you some insight into why you cheated to begin with.

 

Regardless of whether she stays or not, you will still have to live your life, use this experience to make yourself a better man. Do the work.

 

And I really wonder IC, if your marriage was wonderful as you say, why did you cheat? Something in your marriage wasn't right, couldn't have been. Are you sure your affair is the reason she is leaving or is there other reasons?

 

Reread post #6--I think I just said the same thing only differently.

[bish]

Hello everyone. Where do I start? I cheated on my wife soon after we were married. Not only did I cheat, I cheated over a year with my co-worker who was 20 years younger than me. She wasn't attractive, my wife is beautiful, but I got emotionally involved and it went from there. Anyway, my W and I tried to reconcile and for the most part we were on our way then one morning she got up and told me that no matter how she tries, she just can't get the visuals out of her mind. She said she was tired and worn out from this and the only thing she knew to do was to leave and try to start over. I'm heartbroken. I love my wife so much but it's my fault and I know that. I have absolutely no contact with the OW, as a matter of fact, I really despise her. I want my wife back, is there any hope? She loves me, she's said so, but she can't get beyond the betrayal and she's afraid that it'll be a waste of time for us to try and reconcile because in the end, she would always have a void in our marriage and a pit in her stomach. Please help. I'm so sad and so heartbroken.

 

the problem here is, you say you despise the OW...so if you would betray your wife with a woman you can't stand...whats gonna happen when you get involved with a woman you are attracted to and do not despise?

 

And you have to honor your wife's wishes. yes, living with a cheater, even when things seem to be getting better...the betrayed will always from time to time get a "pit" in their stomach and want to scream when looking at their betrayer.

 

You've sentenced her to a life of visions in her head of you sticking it to another woman. You think you could handle visioning her being pleasured by another man?...knowing she loved it?

 

But what are you to do? Only thing you can do...you need to treat her kindly...don't give her any reason to think you are out cheating again..in other words...stay your asss home!!!

 

In the end...she still may leave..but that isn't something that is up to you.

[norajane]

What was I thinking? Why did I do this? I'm thinking it was a mid-life crises or something. I'm not trying to excuse it, I can't make sense of it.

 

I've been to counseling, we went to counseling together, then decided to reconcile.

 

So what did you learn in counseling? Shouldn't you have figured out WHY you got into the affair? You mention mid-life crisis...what does that mean? Did you feel old and getting involved with a young woman had you reliving your youth? Did you want to feel hot and sexy to a young woman? Did you want to feel needed, and your wife was too self-confident for that?

 

If you don't know (or won't admit and explain) to your wife WHY, then she has no reason to believe that you won't choose another affair at some point in the future. You can't explain why you did it the first time, so how do you even know you won't fall into another affair you can't explain?

 

Why after all this time and all our work, would she throw the towel in now? She tells me that she just can't get it back. What is "it"? What is she talking about?

She can't get the depth of the betrayal out of her head. It's always there, always underlying...you are NOT the man she thought she was marrying, a man with the kind of integrity and character she thought you had.

 

"it" is the trust, and the 'intact and whole' sense of well-being at being with you.

 

You know how when a car has been in a major collision, you can hammer out the dents, and replace a bunch of parts, and give it a fresh paint job...but...it's never quite the same again? That's how it is for your wife. Try as she might for 3 years, it's not the same and she can't force it anymore.

[justice]

IC, I was a betrayed wife, I'm now divorced.

We tried mc, and ic. I just could not learn to trust my husband again and found myself wondering about every small thing that he did after the affair that was out of the norm.

In the end, (at least for me) it was an issue of trust, that feeling in the pit of my stomach that wouldn't go away.

I just couldn't live with someone I couldn't trust, so I chose divorce.

Good thing I did, I found out later on that the one time wasn't his only affair and that he'd been unfaithful to me again and again.

Have you tried being brutally honest with her? I asked to know everything in detail and my ex h couldn't do that, so it just didn't work.

[bish]

I understand everyone’s intolerance to cheating. I absolutely think it’s wrong, yet I find myself where I never thought I would be. I know how pathetic I sound and I also know that I did this to myself. I wish I could turn back time – I would do so many things differently.

 

Just one question that I would like some help with, please. After reconciling for 3 years, why would she decide to leave? I know she was sad at times, I saw it in her face and I never invaded that. I only told her that I was there if she wanted to talk. Yet what she wanted to talk about was the affair and frankly, I got sick of hearing about it, but I never told her that. I encouraged her to leave it in the past and for us to build on our future. She seemed to be doing that fine so I’m I little confused. Did I force her to struggle on her own? What did I do terribly wrong after reconciliation? Why after 3 years of trying to re-build she just decided it wasn’t worth it? I was led to believe that things were fine. .

 

I was the same way as your wife. I tried to stay with a cheating wife...and she thought things were fine too...but in the end..and a little more discovery on my part...I decided the rest of my life would not be lived getting angry when I'd look at her and think about what she has done from time to time.

 

I let her believe everything was fine too...because I was really trying to forget it...but that is impossible. It is impossible to forget and erase the visions of betrayal out of your mind.

 

I suspect it got too much for her and she decided she wasn't going to waste her life away worrying about staying with a cheater.

[suffragette13]

Ask yourself if you really do want her. I mean, is it possible that you just can't handle how you've ****ed everything up and that's why you're so desperate to win her back? I think you found out the hard way that there are things she is better off not knowing. Details I mean. She doesn't need to know that you screwed your coworker in the broom closet for instance. She does need a full disclosure about the emotional aspects of your affair.

 

While I don't understand you, I do have some compassion for you. I know my husband is genuinely bewildered about why he doesn't seem to have the capacity to be true to me. He did this to me twice. He did it the second time after I forgave him, went through three YEARS of marriage counselling with him and gave him a son.

 

There's a book you might want to read that I absolutely adore called, "Can love last?" I can't remember who wrote it but you can get it on Amazon. I have found out the hard way that you have to build sand castles even though you ****ing KNOW the tide is coming, you know?

 

She may not be brave enough to quit cycling on this and let go. Maybe it would be more than she can stand to lose. You have to remember, you're a bad bet now but she said that she wanted to try so she must have seen some promise. She probably left as a way to force the issue to come to a conclusion. Three years is a long time to hang in limbo.

 

You tell her you'll do anything and mean it and then let her go. If you guys can work it out and make it work, your marriage will be stronger than ever. Just remember if your marriage isn't getting better... it's getting worse. Humility first and foremost. Good luck to you.