Wife has no interest in sex; Is there hope?

[Heart Broken Geek]

Hello all, I am 34, my wife 30. We have been together 7 years, very soon 8. We have been married close to 5 years now.

 

I have an 8 y/o step son and a 3 year old daughter who is everything to me.

 

When she and I got together, we had a great relationship, emotionally and physically. All the sex you could imagine, and every type of sex you could imagine.

 

I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but it has trickled down to once a month, if that, since the birth of my daughter 3 (almost 4) years ago. Heck, while she was pregnant we did it non stop and it was awesome.

 

I will be the first to say I am a bit of an addict when it comes to sex. I need it around 4 times a week. I told her this, but also told her I would compromise it down to two. When we first got together, this was a non-issue. Looking back, maybe it was that "New Relationship smell"?

 

I think the issue stems from when she got pregnant with her first born (my step son, who has been in my life since he was 11 months old) she didn't WANT to be pregnant. She was no longer in love with her husband. So she got pregnant and the doctor told her she couldn't ride her horse while pregnant (this is another issue entirely.. anyone here who has a mate who is a horse lover knows the level of insanity that includes) so she threw a hissy fit and sat on her butt shoving food down her mouth and ballooned up to 300 lbs. Subsequently, she destroyed her body.

 

By the time I met her, she had slimmed down considerable (to 160 which is fine for me) but she still had the damage from the pregnancy. WHICH I WAS OK WITH AND NEVER SAID OTHERWISE.

 

I understand we have bills and the kids drain us BOTH. The only time she talks to me anymore is to bitch at me about money or to tell me she wants me to do something.

 

I have actually tested it before and went 2 weeks without speaking to her except for one word answers before she noticed. TWO WEEKS!

 

She has gained some weight back and guess what? I am tired of telling her she's beautiful (she is) or that I don't care about her weight (sorta). Here is the deal as far as I am concerned: If you are fat and you know it, you have two options... do nothing at all, in which case, you CHOOSE to be fat. OR... you can work to lose the weight. If you CHOSE TO DO NOTHING then you don’t get to punish ME because you "don't feel sexy".

 

I understand losing weight is hard, I have been struggling with it myself since my metabolism slowed down at 30. I go to the gym at least 3 days a week and am 5'10 and down to 189 lbs, from 230. A lot of that is muscle.

 

So if I saw her TRYING to lose the weight, I wouldn't care. Instead I come home to see that she has ignored the exercise equipment she wanted and instead decided to burn calories by baking chocolate chip cookies, or making no bake cookies, or making a whole box of mac and cheese and eating it all by herself. Again, you want to be fat? FINE. Don't punish me because of it.

 

I have been told I have a great personality and am really funny. I am not bad looking either and extremely romantic. All of my past relationship sex lives have been great. So much so that I thought it was a cliché about married guys not having sex. This is my second marriage and my sex life in my first was great!

 

I am extremely pissed that she has turned me into a clichéd joke "I don't have sex... I'm married LOL" .

 

It isn't just sex, either, it is emotional as well. Lots of times I just want a hug and a kiss. Sometimes I will stand in front of her with my arms out for a hug and she will LITERALLY walk around me. Or if she gives me a hug you can tell she is miserable doing it (its in her eyes and how she doesn't relax when she hugs me). When I can convince her to kiss me, she NEVER does it passionately, at all. Instead, she does it with tense, tightly puckered lips as if it was some kind of karate move where she has to kiss through wood. Often times she will stick her lips out like that but never take her eyes off of the computer screen where, you may have guessed, she is looking at pictures of horses. If I touch her in bed, just place my hand on her arm or the small of her back while I try to fall asleep, she jerks away and rolls over. She ALWAYS puts a pillow between us when she sleeps. I actually wrote a song about it (I am a musician also).

 

When I proposition her for sex (and I have tried dozens of ways) she looks at me like I am covered in dog s*** and llama vomit. Almost as if I am ignorant for even suggesting it.

 

Remember how I said when we got together we had sex any way you can imagine? Well, the new rules are I am not allowed to touch her vagina, I am not allowed to please her orally (even though she loves it), I can't touch her nipples and god forbid I suggest anything else.

 

Every so often she will look at sex toys and I will get excited. She will buy them and then we will use them once, and in the drawer they go, never to be seen again. "I don't like that" or "that hurts" or "I don't want to go through all of that".

 

She almost always prefaces sex with "Lets get this over with" or "Lets get this show on the road". I am not paraphrasing, this is what she says. There is no romance with her. When she does this more often then not I will get pissed and leave the room rather than have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. GOD it would be nice to be wanted again. To have a partner who wanted me as much, if not more than I want them? Why is it so hard for her to understand that I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?!?!?

 

Sometimes she will even have the nerve to tell me how she masturbates when I am not around.

 

I feel so ugly and so rejected and hurt... my own wife doesn't want me. It is eating me up inside.

 

I wish I had a nickel for every time I asked her if we could put the kids to bed early, light some candles, listen to some music, give each other back rubs, maybe preface this with a nice dinner made by me, only to have her blow me off completely (speaking of which, she stopped giving oral sex years ago... there was no formal announcement, it just went away). I was told long ago not to buy her flowers/candy/cards/presents as they cost money and she got pissed at me enough times for doing that, that I don't bother any more. Every once in a while I will buy her a single rose and I can tell she is aggravated with that.

 

When we are having sex, she won't look at me or kiss me, she does everything in her power to get me to finish quickly. She thinks I don't notice but I do. Then when I finish quickly she gets disappointed. I just want to yell at her "We have sex once a month and you are shocked I finish quickly!?!?!" Most of the time I want to have intercourse WITH MY WIFE I get the feeling in my stomach when a guy asks a new girl for the same.

 

Lots of time, she will talk like we are going to do it and she will (on purpose, imo) stay up so late she literally will pass out and tell me shes too tired, but "how about in the morning?". Then the morning comes and its "You were asleep, and I didn't want to wake you". This is after I have told her dozens of times, Its always ok to wake me for sex. We used to do it in the middle of the night, both of us half asleep all the time.

 

I explained to her the other night (mind you, this is after years of trying to be nice about this) that this is the worst sex life I've ever had. She responded by not having sex, more. She then tells me how I told her she was "the worst wife ever" and the "worst lay". Not what I said, but anytime I try to talk to her about relationship issues she becomes a 13 year old girl... tears, shouting "FINE, I'M AN AWFUL PERSON, YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M ALWAYS WRONG!!" and crap like that.

 

She never compliments me... do you how much I would love to hear what a great husband/father/lover I am? Or maybe how handsome I am? ANYTHING? She actually made it a point to tell the CAT how handsome he was the other day. THE CAT. When I asked her one time "When was the last time you gave me a hug?" her honest answer was "Why do you need a hug everyday?" A HUG! Not sex... a freakin' HUG!

 

Between her and my mother I am in therapy. I got her to come to a session once. I then asked hr when she wanted to go again to continue our counseling and she said, (her exact words) "I have to go back?".

 

So here I am, 34, with a beautiful wife I adore, a nice home, a daughter whom the sun rises and sets for me, and she is forcing me into a position that I will more than likely have to cheat on her to get the emotional and physical comfort I need. I have actually told her several times this would end up being the case (I say things like “This is why men cheat on women”) I have plenty of offers. I do know if she caught me cheating she would INSTANTLY divorce me (that was how she got out of her first marriage, caught him cheating, go figure). Of course, if sex is no big deal to her, why should she be bothered if I am having it with someone else?

 

When I try to talk to her about this stuff, she laughs and really doesn't understand why I am upset.

 

Divorce isn't an option, I can't go a day with out seeing my daughter, she is all I have in my home that makes me smile anymore. Besides, I seen how she handled my stepson and his bio dad (granted, he is a huge douche bag and was verbally abusive enough that I am paying for his mistakes also). There is no way I would get custody of her.

 

I love my wife. I think she is gorgeous and a great mom. It pisses me off that she has put me in this position. I THINK in her own way, she loves me too (I hope) but I really believe she is emotionally retarded (not being flippant, her brother died at an early age and her parents were not there emotionally for her). I just cannot imagine living in this hell for the rest of my life.

 

What is weird is she will watch romantic movies and cry. She will read romance novels CONSTANTLY and cry. She listens to sad romantic songs and cries, but when I try to offer her romance, she shuts me down.

 

Is anyone out there going through the same thing? Any advice? I just bought from Amazon the sexless marriage book I seen suggested on here but she will probably get pissed when she sees it and her reading it is out of the question.

 

It was nice to finally let this all out, I am sure I have forgotten something. PLEASE HELP!

[Scrivdog]

I wish I had a nickel for every time I asked her if we could put the kids to bed early, light some candles, listen to some music, give each other back rubs, maybe preface this with a nice dinner made by me, only to have her blow me off completely (speaking of which, she stopped giving oral sex years ago... there was no formal announcement, it just went away). I was told long ago not to buy her flowers/candy/cards/presents as they cost money and she got pissed at me enough times for doing that, that I don't bother any more. Every once in a while I will buy her a single rose and I can tell she is aggravated with that.

 

 

You forgot to run her a warm bath. You know, the one with the rose petals in them. Of course I'm just kidding.

 

Many men on this board have expressed the same issues. None of them have come up with a lasting solution.

 

I eventually realized I had three options:

 

1) Celibacy

2) Divorce

3) Infidelity

 

I'n not advocating any of them - that's entirely your choice. Like you, I won't divorce because I want to be with my kids. I also won't be able to remain celibate. So I'm probably the only guy here to admit freely to engaging in #3.

 

I started with massage parlors and the occasional high end call-girl. But that got a little monotonous - so I had affairs.

 

Again, I'm not saying you should take that option at all - I'm just alerting you to your choices so you don't let anyone confuse you with pollyanna feel-good horsesh*t. You have as much of a chance of getting her to want sex 2x a week with you at this point as you would winning at 3 card monty. It just ain't gonna happen.

[jmargel]

You are not alone. I call it 'false advertisement'. It's been 3 months for me. Though she is pregnant now (how? I have no freakin' clue) since we only had sex about once or twice a month.

 

Like you, I tried all those things as well. I have come to realize that it is not me, even though she likes to play that card. If I push the issue too hard she starts acting immature and tries to result to insults. Not having that emotional/physical need being met pushes you away from your spouse. These are the type of women that don't know what they have until it's gone. Good chance they'll jump to some other guy and for 3-4 months he might be happy but then he will become another statistic as well.

 

Life is way too short to live like this. I won't and she knows it. I won't throw her out now due to her being with my baby, but I refuse to stay in a marriage where there is no affection or no appreciation. Too many women out there that will be more than happy to give what they aren't.

 

I won't do the cheating part, only because it only complicates matters. That doesn't solve the problems between you and your wife, it just makes them worse and allows her to truly justify her actions. And the celebacy part is not an option either. Its not just about the sex but the appreciation and love that is not shown. I won't live that way either. I married her because I was to believe her behavior of when we were dating was who she really was. If she would act this way while we were dating, good chance I would have broken it off.

 

You can only try so much, if your partner refuses to meet your needs then you really have one option. Don't stay in the marriage for your child, it's much better for a child to come from a broken home then live in one.

 

Know that you are not alone, seems like there is some sort of a trend. I think part of the problem is women get so comfortable in their marriage that they take us for granted. That is something that I will not put up with.

[Mz. Pixie]

Your wife is in withdrawal from you, big time. That is why she doesn't want to have sex and touch you etc.

 

Google "marriagebuilders" and read about withdrawal and how infidelity occurs. There is a ton of great information on that site about how to get your relationship back the way it was. Seriously. It works. Read about the concept of the love bank.

 

Whatever you do, do not have an affair. If you got caught- and you probably would- you will be in a world of hurt. Trust me, I've been there.

 

I understand how you feel, but cheating is not the way to go IMO. Be the relationship's hero. Once you read on marriagebuilders then use that information to try to make your marriage better.

 

Threatening things like having an affair and such is not going to work- trust me- I tried that too. It only pushes them farther away.

 

You have to be honest with her, not beat around the bush saying things like "This is why men cheat on women". She's not getting the hint. Marriagebuilders has all this information about radical honesty, etc. She needs to know that this is a dealbreaker for you and that you will not continue to live the rest of your life that way.

[JamesM]

 

Many men on this board have expressed the same issues. None of them have come up with a lasting solution.

 

I eventually realized I had three options:

 

1) Celibacy

2) Divorce

3) Infidelity

 

You have as much of a chance of getting her to want sex 2x a week with you at this point as you would winning at 3 card monty. It just ain't gonna happen.

 

While I agree with part of this, I would like to add some comments and change a couple.

 

I am in a similar situation except we have a great marriage emotionally. I am quite convinced my wife's lack of interest is a physical problem. BUt two years ago when I came to this Board, I can say that it was also emotional disconnection.

 

You do have an additional choice....

 

4) Fix the problem.

 

As hard is this sounds, you are actually heading that direction already. You cam here seeking help. I am willing to guess that if divorce was an option, then you would not be here. I am guessing that if you wanted to choose escorts and hookers, you would not be here...you would have chosen an escort board. And I am guessing if you really wanted celibacy, you would be happy without sex.

 

So, fixing the problem is your best option, and this is where you are now. At least if you do eventually choose divorce, you can say that you tried everything else.

 

What can you do? As cliche as it sounds, the two of you need marriage counseling. You have a greater problem than simply no sex. For some reason, she has no love interest in you. Somewhere along the line, she changed. And if you could pinpoint something where it changed, you may have an answer.

 

I think she is in a depression, and is afraid of becoming pregnant again.

 

If you think the two of you may want children again, then I would be wrong. But what I am reading is that she equates sex and intimacy with pregnancy and work. Her eating is from anger and depression. Either she has a reason for being angry at you and life, or she has invented one, but to me this seems to be at the root of your problem. It is not simply the lack of sex, it is her lack of interest in you.

 

It also could be that she is "proving" to herself that all men cheat. If you cheat, then you will have validated the idea in her mind...."My last husband cheated, so it is inevitable that this husband will cheat. And guess what? He isn't getting enough sex, so he cheats. Therefore, all I am to him is someone with whom he can have sex." I know you don't feel this, but deep down, she could feel this based on her past.

 

If I were in your shoes (because I can only be me), then I would try a couple of things....

 

First, push for marriage counseling. I am guessing that this will be difficult, but the angle you should be using is NOT sex, but the lack of closeness that you feel. You don't feel her love and affection. You don't blame her, but your hope is that counseling will bring out what the problems are between the two of you.

 

Second, begin showering her with love and affection. This does not mean more kissing and sex. I mean that you begin focusing on her as if you had just realized what a wonderful person she is. I hear that you love her...now sit down at every opportunity and show it. Listen to her every complaint and problem. Show empathy/understanding. Suggest lunch dates, evening dates, or any time that fits your schedule. (My wife and I have lunch dates once to twice a week. No need for babysitters and yet we can sit and talk. While I certainly enjoy it, she loves it). Don't expect immediate change, but I think you can expect small improvements.

 

Third, begin understanding why she feels the way she does. I understand why you have the anger you have for the situation you are in. My marriage was sexless (less than once per three months...and then just pity sex) before I came here. The anger and helplessness that I felt was the hardest to bear. If I knew that I could do something, then I would have felt better. In my case, it was somewhat physical and somewhat emotional. Since her thyroid was out of whack, it affected her physically and emotionally. What of her work load at home...is she happy being a mother? Doe she get nights out alone?

 

Fourth, rule out any physical reason. Once she feels that you are concerned for her because of her and not because you want sex, then she may listen to your suggestion of a doctor. Has she been tested for her thyroid levels? Trust me, this is a big deal. Her depression, her sudden low libido, and simply her lack of interest in you could be due to low thyroid levels. While this may have nothing to do with it, it could have everything to do with it. In your mission to "fix" her, every option needs to be looked at.

 

Fifth, is she on any medications? Side effects of many include low libido. Again, every angle should be looked at.

 

And sixth, do everything you can to help her around the house. When she has laundry or dishes or vacuuming to do, then it is best if you help her instead of sitting back and watching the TV or sitting at the computer. And while watching the kids may be somewhat helpful, it does not alleviate her load as much as it would if you helped with the actual work. This also gives you the opportunity to talk with her and discover what is behind her recent changes.

 

None of this is easy, but it is something that can be accomplished with time and perseverance. Speaking as a man who was was much worse off, I can say that I did much of the above and saw results. Two years ago, my wife had no interest in sex or even dating me. Now she loves to find time to have lunch and chat over coffee. We have four children all within two years of each other. Our lives have been busy. We still don't have sex more than two or three times a month max, and she doesn't have much passion as she had in the past. But I see improvement. While others might not be satisfied with the slowness of the improvement, I am patient.

 

I can only suggest, but I think if you could go through the steps above, you may actually find the reason that your wife changed. Since you have already been divorced once, you know that the pain is worth avoiding especially if you still have great love fo ryou wife.

[Krytie TV]

I spent a very long time in this circle:

 

I was frustrated that my wife and I were not having sex. My wife would say she needed more romance to get in the mood (no, she did NOTHING else... just her little 9 to 5 job). I would try romance and to do other things I could think of and it never mattered.

 

I wish I had encouraging words, but I don't think these situations improve. Those that do, IMO, are outliers.

[Mittens]

You are not alone. I call it 'false advertisement'.

 

 

It's not only women who are guilty of this

[JamesM]

 

I wish I had encouraging words, but I don't think these situations improve. Those that do, IMO, are outliers.

 

While I cannot comment on your situation, I can say that in my case, things improved greatly. It has been an up and down process, and it has been better than it is now. But overall, I can say that if I had not chosen to do anything, then as of now, I would be still celibate or divorced.

[JamesM]

It's not only women who are guilty of this

 

Agreed. Many men seem like great providers and motivated workers, yet after marriage they suddenly discover the couch and beer.

[Mittens]

Agreed. Many men seem like great providers and motivated workers, yet after marriage they suddenly discover the couch and beer.

 

No, I meant that I am in the same situation as Heart Broken Geek - my husband has no interest in sex

[JamesM]

No, I meant that I am in the same situation as Heart Broken Geek - my husband has no interest in sex

 

 

Sorry...I mistook your intentions.

 

And my sympathy to you. Personally, I cannot fathom why a guy has no interest in sex.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Remember, most of this comes from the brain. It's a mental disconnect. You can talk, be nice and say anything you want, but SHE needs to be receptive to your offerings. She's denying the relationship of sex and physical activity because she is mentally pressured. You/she need to find out what is on her mind and get if off so you both can "get off."

 

Is she happy in this state? If the answer is yes, then she may not want to respond to theraphy or counceling. Celibacy or infidelity are options, but may not be satisfying to you.

 

You are not alone on this one.

[Mittens]

Sorry...I mistook your intentions.

 

And my sympathy to you. Personally, I cannot fathom why a guy has no interest in sex.

 

Neither can I Very little interest has now dwindled to 'none'...and he is perfectly happy with this. He has never used porn, I was his first serious girlfriend... I suppose the warning signs were there, but I honestly didn't think things would go this far.

 

Like scrivdog, I have participated in #3 in his options list...I'm not going to say it was a mistake, because for a few months it was nice to be wanted again. It's not a solution though.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Thanks for all of the advice, guys. For those of you who say "force therapy". Already tried. She has never said she is sorry for anything she has done and sees no need for therapy. Like I said, she sees no issues.

 

For those of you who say "help out around the house", I already do. There can be no mistake here because I hurt my back Sunday and have been unable to do anything since and the house is falling apart.

 

As for showering her with affection, well, in case it was missed, I TRY to do that. She will shove me off of her and say "What are you doing" or "get off of me" or "I don't want you all over me". This isn't me groping her, its me wrapping my arms around her and giving her a peck on the neck.

 

I pretty much get sexual satisfaction now from porn and masturbation when I can get it in.

 

Leaving simply isn't an option, not only is the legal system in this country designed around F'ing a guy in a divorce, but, as I said already, I won't leave my daughter without the benefit of having a father in her life. We are a great parenting team, we are unfortunately like room mates when it comes to our love for each other.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Neither can I Very little interest has now dwindled to 'none'...and he is perfectly happy with this. He has never used porn, I was his first serious girlfriend... I suppose the warning signs were there, but I honestly didn't think things would go this far.

 

Like scrivdog, I have participated in #3 in his options list...I'm not going to say it was a mistake, because for a few months it was nice to be wanted again. It's not a solution though.

 

It boggles my mind how a guy can be like this. My friends husband is the same way.

 

It's 2007, are people so removed from a situation that they don't get that people WILL seek and GET emotional and physical comfort else where?

[Heart Broken Geek]

I have come to realize that it is not me, even though she likes to play that card. If I push the issue too hard she starts acting immature and tries to result to insults.

I wonder if that is in the "How to sexually neglect your spouse" home guide, since mine does the same thing?

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Thanks for all of the advice, guys. For those of you who say "force therapy". Already tried. She has never said she is sorry for anything she has done and sees no need for therapy. Like I said, she sees no issues.

 

For those of you who say "help out around the house", I already do. There can be no mistake here because I hurt my back Sunday and have been unable to do anything since and the house is falling apart.

 

As for showering her with affection, well, in case it was missed, I TRY to do that. She will shove me off of her and say "What are you doing" or "get off of me" or "I don't want you all over me". This isn't me groping her, its me wrapping my arms around her and giving her a peck on the neck.

 

I pretty much get sexual satisfaction now from porn and masturbation when I can get it in.

 

Leaving simply isn't an option, not only is the legal system in this country designed around F'ing a guy in a divorce, but, as I said already, I won't leave my daughter without the benefit of having a father in her life. We are a great parenting team, we are unfortunately like room mates when it comes to our love for each other.

 

So, would you consider an affair? I'm not knocking masterbation "it's sex with someone you love," but after a while, it will get fustrating too.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Know that you are not alone, seems like there is some sort of a trend. I think part of the problem is women get so comfortable in their marriage that they take us for granted. That is something that I will not put up with.

 

 

This may sound stupid but I blame TV. At some point we went from the man being portrayed on TV as "The man", ie Leave it to Beaver, All in the family, Father knows best, etc., to men and women being equal, ie Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough, etc, to theman being a buffon who doesn't get sex, and not getting sex gets BIG LAUGHS, ie Everyone loves Raymond, King of queens, etc.

 

The punchline is "the man doesn't get sex" and we all laugh. It is affecting our households because some women see it as the way it is, and acceptable.

[JamesM]

Thanks for all of the advice, guys. For those of you who say "force therapy". Already tried. She has never said she is sorry for anything she has done and sees no need for therapy. Like I said, she sees no issues.

 

Then somehow she needs to see the issues. In my case, I had a confrontational talk at 2 am that changed her view. What was your way of forcing therapy? Was it "we need therapy because we are not having enough sex" or was it "we need therapy because we no longer have the closeness we had in the past?" The approaches are similar to you but yet radically different to most women.

 

For those of you who say "help out around the house", I already do. There can be no mistake here because I hurt my back Sunday and have been unable to do anything since and the house is falling apart.

 

So, she is not helping around the house? What does she do all day?

 

As for showering her with affection, well, in case it was missed, I TRY to do that. She will shove me off of her and say "What are you doing" or "get off of me" or "I don't want you all over me". This isn't me groping her, its me wrapping my arms around her and giving her a peck on the neck.

 

I don't know how others meant it, but if she does not like sex, then affection that is given physically will indicate to her that you are just trying to get her interested in sex. This interpretation will not make he r think you love her.

 

My thinking of love and affection is that you show her this through kind acts. Sitting down and listening to her, thinking of small things that will make her life easier, or simply picking up a single rose "because I love you" says more than continual attempts at physical affection.

 

We are a great parenting team, we are unfortunately like room mates when it comes to our love for each other.

 

All the more reason to fix the situation. Are the two of you friends? Can you sit down and talk about her day, your day, or your feelings? Why or why not? What happens if you do try to simply talk wither her?

 

What is your goal here? I know...you want your wife back. But what is the primary thing you are looking for? More sex or a happier wife? If you had to choose to have a happier wife and just a little more sex...or to have passionate sex with your wife four to five nights a week and yet she is still depressed and not happy...which would you choose?

 

If there was a Viagra for women that brought passion back to your marriage...yet the chance for her to have cancer or a heart attack were significantly increased, would you recommend that she take it? Look deep down in your heart, because your motivation for fixing your marriage will influence your results or lack thereof.

 

And last of all....is there any possibility that she cheated? Is there any possibility that she thinks you cheated...has she accused you of cheating?

[Heart Broken Geek]

So, would you consider an affair? I'm not knocking masterbation "it's sex with someone you love," but after a while, it will get fustrating too.

 

Of couse I would consider it, but in the end I don't know if I could do it. I have seen my wife hurt before emotionally and I would hate to be the reason for seeing that face again. Despite it all, I do love her.

 

Besides, seems like there would be a lot of rules.. she would have to have as much to lose as I would, know how to keep her mouth shut, etc.

 

Just seems like a lot of work.

 

She just came in bitching about something bad that happened with the horses and between that and the tampon applicator in the trash I realize sex this week is out.

[JamesM]

This may sound stupid but I blame TV.

 

The punchline is "the man doesn't get sex" and we all laugh. It is affecting our households because some women see it as the way it is, and acceptable.

 

I agree with this statement. And when it is reinforced with statistics, it is a reason to say that "many women are like me. Yes, we have a problem, but it is expected at our age."

[JamesM]

 

She just came in bitching about something bad that happened with the horses and between that and the tampon applicator in the trash I realize sex this week is out.

 

So did you sit down and listen to her frustrations as a friend would do? I am not judging you because I have been no different, but it is the little things that are remembered after the PMS has gone away...good or bad.

[Heart Broken Geek]

Then somehow she needs to see the issues. In my case, I had a confrontational talk at 2 am that changed her view. What was your way of forcing therapy? Was it "we need therapy because we are not having enough sex" or was it "we need therapy because we no longer have the closeness we had in the past?" The approaches are similar to you but yet radically different to most women.

 

My way was sittingher down on the couch, looking her in the eyes and saying "We need to go to therapy because I am afraid this marriage is going down the wrong road and it could end and I do not want it to end.

 

 

So, she is not helping around the house? What does she do all day?

 

She does help, but she works all day too and time is scarce around our home... all of things I do around the house that she tells me I don't do, dishes, picking up the kids toys and the papers that end up onthe floor from the kids, take the trash out, washing laundry, dusting, etc isn't getting done.

 

 

I don't know how others meant it, but if she does not like sex, then affection that is given physically will indicate to her that you are just trying to get her interested in sex. This interpretation will not make he r think you love her.

 

My thinking of love and affection is that you show her this through kind acts. Sitting down and listening to her, thinking of small things that will make her life easier, or simply picking up a single rose "because I love you" says more than continual attempts at physical affection.

 

I do do those things. I call her just to say "I love you" and more often then not, she treats me like an interruption in whatever she is doing. I can email her all day long from work and not get a single reply, so I stopped calling her and emailing her. Why bother?

 

All the more reason to fix the situation. Are the two of you friends? Can you sit down and talk about her day, your day, or your feelings? Why or why not? What happens if you do try to simply talk wither her?

 

We are friends and we get along great if we find ourselves childless for teh day. That doesn't mean sex, but we joke, hang out and have fun. We do enjoy each others company... like room mates. If I try to talk to her she gets mad, starts acting like a child and shuts down. She'll say things like "Yes, lets all attack me.. .lets slam me, I'm an awful person!"

She sees any kind of adult conversation that suggest she may be in the wrong as an attack on her.

 

 

What is your goal here? I know...you want your wife back. But what is the primary thing you are looking for? More sex or a happier wife? If you had to choose to have a happier wife and just a little more sex...or to have passionate sex with your wife four to five nights a week and yet she is still depressed and not happy...which would you choose?

 

Loaded question. if she was emotionally available and not finding reasons to be misreable we WOULD be having sex. Yes, we're broke, I get it. Why remind me everytime you talk to me. Having sex is free. What does not having sex do to help with us being broke?

 

If there was a Viagra for women that brought passion back to your marriage...yet the chance for her to have cancer or a heart attack were significantly increased, would you recommend that she take it? Look deep down in your heart, because your motivation for fixing your marriage will influence your results or lack thereof.

 

You seem intent on there being some culpability on my part, almost as if I am the bad guy here and want to bang my wife until she dies or something. Am I perfect? Not at all. Thats why I am going to therapy. I realize I make mistakes and am trying to correct the, I stay at a job that is killing me because I know she needs me to be there. I started going back to school at 30 to become a better person for her. I do a lot of major things to make her happy. I want a healthy marriage and what I get is a conversation mith my own anus, only I get better looks from my anus.

 

And last of all....is there any possibility that she cheated? Is there any possibility that she thinks you cheated...has she accused you of cheating?

No, not at all, in HER mind, that is the worst thing you could do to a person. In my mind, its up there, but it is adistant second to the emoitional abuse I suffer at her apathetic hands.

[Heart Broken Geek]

So did you sit down and listen to her frustrations as a friend would do? I am not judging you because I have been no different, but it is the little things that are remembered after the PMS has gone away...good or bad.

 

 

You seem to be operating from a standpoint that she wants to open up to me, and I am shutting her down, kicking back in my easy chair and turning the TV up. Everytime I try to talk to her she gets mad and tells me she doesn't talk about her problems, she deals with them herself because she is an "adult". She doesn't need me to "patronize" her.

 

I listened to her about what happened, offered to help, she got mad (at herself, I am assuming).

[Heart Broken Geek]

I agree with this statement. And when it is reinforced with statistics, it is a reason to say that "many women are like me. Yes, we have a problem, but it is expected at our age."

+1 You hit the nail on the head, my friend.