It's Christmas morning, my cheating wife is away...

[base618]

So... it's here Christmas morning. Wife is at her family's far away. I haven't seen her since I caught her in her affair November 27th (she moved in with him right away). We only talk via email, very cordial, about selling the house and getting divorced.

 

I was doing better as time went on, then, yesterday, I got the following text on my phone:

 

I am so sorry for betraying you, for lying to you and not being a good person. I am sorry for ruining our family. You are right about me. I am sorry.

 

The "right about me" part was in reference to all the bad things I had called her when I caught her in the affair. So my 1st instinct was to call her and make her feel better (after all, my sweetie was upset and alone on x-mas eve). Then I caught myself and figured that's probably what she wants, to see if she can still have the best of both worlds and see if I'm still wrapped around her finger. She's been living with her new man about a month now, so maybe it wasn't all rosy as she thought it might be, don't know, don't care. So, after talking it over with my sister, she told me that if you're angry because she sent you a text like this out of the blue, then reply angry, it's your right to. So here is my reply:

 

Why are you telling me this? So I'll know that you'll try to be a better person for *** since you weren't with me? Why are you all of a sudden sorry? You can be sorry for a lack in judgement, or a one time mistake, but you can't all of a sudden be sorry for the past 3 months of cruelty. You chose to do every one of those horrible things to me, and everytime I gave you another chance, you lied and sh-t all over me. So hurry back to ***, and your new house, and your new life and get f$cked some more and I'm sure you'll feel better. Do not contact me unless it is about selling the house or getting divorced.

 

Part of me feels bad for her, because she is probably down there with her family realizing the full impact of what she has done. Maybe that text was an olive branch, or maybe it was her trying to manipulate me. Either way, I keep telling myself that SHE is the one who left with him. I gave her chance after chance after chance, and everytime, she would lie to me and be with him. So the way I figure it, it's her bed, she made it, she needs to lie in it. I keep reminding myself about all the lies and wonder why it is still so hard to let her go. It was so easy to jump back into "winning her back mode", and that's what really made me angry.

 

The only good news about Christmas Eve was that my lawyer's office was open a half day, so I was able to finish up all the paperwork and file for divorce on Christmas Eve, kind of an early gift I guess.

 

For everyone else on here who is waking up today alone for the 1st time in a long time, you are not alone, there are plenty of other people out there going through the same thing. Make the best of it and have a good holiday.

[Tony T]

You didn't ask for any comments or advice but since it's Christmas and I'm in the giving mood I will do so anyway.

 

Exchanges of any kind with your soon-to-be ex wife are completely unproductive. Just understand that she is human and that humans do bad things sometimes, go back on their word sometimes, betray us sometimes. Even the God we trust sends storms that obliterate towns and kill people. (We call those acts of God.) Unless we forgive, love and let things go we transform ourselves into bitter, angry machines with dead souls.

 

Let this woman go forever from your life once you no longer have to have contact. Do not exchange emails and ask her not to contact you. Let go of any desire for vengeance. And please, for your sake, understand this can happen to you again. Even men of the cloth have been known to cheat (Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker, etc. Google those names for their stories.) People are vulnerable, some selfish, some looking to satisfy their whim of the hour...whatever it is. It doesn't make them bad, it's simply the way they are wired. It's the place evolution has brought them. As long as you are alive, people will disappoint you. Forgive, release and move on each time.

 

New Years is for letting go of the previous year, forgetting the bad and treasuring the good. But to hold onto anger kills your real heart (Google "heart disease - anger") and makes a mockery of the powers that give us a new day every 24 hours and a new year every 365 days.

 

Merry Christmas and please move on!

[sadhubby]

man this sounds all so familiar.Im still having trouble with letting mine go she finally admitted to me after 3 years yesterday about the first affair and how much guilt she had for it.But she still denies that the guy she met on the internet that drives 4 hours from toronto to ny state to see her on the weekends is just a freind,wich she moved out thanksgiving day to get her own apt so she could see him. so yes i agree its a pattern with some people and they will do it untill they are old and grey.hang in there buddy im goin through it too.

[Curmudgeon]

Her message had nothing tom do with you and everything to do with herself. It's a let-it-go attonement and really didn't require a response. It's like she's saying, "OK! I admit it. I'm a lousy person. NEXT!"

 

Enjoy your "gift" to yourself. Salvage the holidays and start the New Year fresh, refreshed and resolved to lead a joyous life. You can do it. You deserve it. It's the only way to go.

 

In the meantime, let her lawyer talk to your lawyer. You need not communicate with her directly, and shouldn't.

 

Merry Christmas. You're allowed to have one, you know.

[Always Wrong]

Hey! You aren't alone. I've gone through this three times. Human instinct is way too powerful to change with a sudden realization. She may be remorseful for a fleeting few hours, but believe me, her character has not changed. If you offer up a dove of peace, she'll bite it's head off. I've been forgiving and compassionate and trusting and all the things a very good man should be and in retrospect I can honestly say I was "Always Wrong" not to stand my ground. Good luck.

[dunstable]

Looking at the message, it's a lovely message. What more could a wronged husband wish for?

[Tripper]

I was doing better as time went on, then, yesterday, I got the following text on my phone:

 

I am so sorry for betraying you, for lying to you and not being a good person. I am sorry for ruining our family. You are right about me. I am sorry.

 

So here is my reply:

 

Why are you telling me this? So I'll know that you'll try to be a better person for *** since you weren't with me? Why are you all of a sudden sorry? You can be sorry for a lack in judgement, or a one time mistake, but you can't all of a sudden be sorry for the past 3 months of cruelty. You chose to do every one of those horrible things to me, and everytime I gave you another chance, you lied and sh-t all over me. So hurry back to ***, and your new house, and your new life and get f$cked some more and I'm sure you'll feel better. Do not contact me unless it is about selling the house or getting divorced.

 

So the way I figure it, it's her bed, she made it, she needs to lie in it. I keep reminding myself about all the lies and wonder why it is still so hard to let her go.

 

 

Sorry you are going through this crap, base.

I think the her text to you was part of her beginning her own healing journey. That is to say, she needs to apologize to you for the pain and anguish she caused you. But texting is not how to go about it. She should have faced you, looked into your eyes and sincerely apologized. At the least she should have phoned you.

Your response was in anger. And rightly so.. you have anger inside you from the whole process of dismantling a marriage.

Unfortunately there is no quick solution and you won't really be able to start to heal until you sell the house, get divorced and cut all ties with her.

When my marriage fell apart, I was so angry towards my wife for the longest time. 2 years of therapy helped me deal with that an alot of other issues I had from childhood. Today, 9 years later, my ex and I are good friends and have let the past go..

You will, in time, move forward and heal. It may not be easy, but it will happen. If you feel stuck, consider therapy.

Stay strong... Be well..

[mistieyed]

So... it's here Christmas morning. Wife is at her family's far away. I haven't seen her since I caught her in her affair November 27th (she moved in with him right away). We only talk via email, very cordial, about selling the house and getting divorced.

 

I was doing better as time went on, then, yesterday, I got the following text on my phone:

 

I am so sorry for betraying you, for lying to you and not being a good person. I am sorry for ruining our family. You are right about me. I am sorry.

 

The "right about me" part was in reference to all the bad things I had called her when I caught her in the affair. So my 1st instinct was to call her and make her feel better (after all, my sweetie was upset and alone on x-mas eve). Then I caught myself and figured that's probably what she wants, to see if she can still have the best of both worlds and see if I'm still wrapped around her finger. She's been living with her new man about a month now, so maybe it wasn't all rosy as she thought it might be, don't know, don't care. So, after talking it over with my sister, she told me that if you're angry because she sent you a text like this out of the blue, then reply angry, it's your right to. So here is my reply:

 

Why are you telling me this? So I'll know that you'll try to be a better person for *** since you weren't with me? Why are you all of a sudden sorry? You can be sorry for a lack in judgement, or a one time mistake, but you can't all of a sudden be sorry for the past 3 months of cruelty. You chose to do every one of those horrible things to me, and everytime I gave you another chance, you lied and sh-t all over me. So hurry back to ***, and your new house, and your new life and get f$cked some more and I'm sure you'll feel better. Do not contact me unless it is about selling the house or getting divorced.

 

Part of me feels bad for her, because she is probably down there with her family realizing the full impact of what she has done. Maybe that text was an olive branch, or maybe it was her trying to manipulate me. Either way, I keep telling myself that SHE is the one who left with him. I gave her chance after chance after chance, and everytime, she would lie to me and be with him. So the way I figure it, it's her bed, she made it, she needs to lie in it. I keep reminding myself about all the lies and wonder why it is still so hard to let her go. It was so easy to jump back into "winning her back mode", and that's what really made me angry.

 

The only good news about Christmas Eve was that my lawyer's office was open a half day, so I was able to finish up all the paperwork and file for divorce on Christmas Eve, kind of an early gift I guess.

 

For everyone else on here who is waking up today alone for the 1st time in a long time, you are not alone, there are plenty of other people out there going through the same thing. Make the best of it and have a good holiday.

 

i am sorry for your pain and sadness. i hope that the new year brings you much peace and love. as far as she is concerned, the grass is always greener on the other side, until you get there. just know there are still great women out there just waiting for the love of a good man.

[base618]

Looking at the message, it's a lovely message. What more could a wronged husband wish for?

 

When my wife told me she was depressed about not being able to have a baby, and not sure what she wanted in life anymore, and told me she needed space, told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore, and if we had a normal seperation, I would have been happy to get that message, we could have perhaps tried to make it work again. But the way she did things, the lying, cheating, I really wish she wasn't sorry for it. I'd rather she be happy with her new man and at least throwing our marriage in the trash would have been worth it for her. It makes me feel worse that now she regrets it and feels sorry about it. She was so blinded by her new man that she threw everything away. So to me it's not a lovely message, it's a slap in the face.

[ElvenPriestess]

When my wife told me she was depressed about not being able to have a baby, and not sure what she wanted in life anymore, and told me she needed space, told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore, and if we had a normal seperation, I would have been happy to get that message, we could have perhaps tried to make it work again. But the way she did things, the lying, cheating, I really wish she wasn't sorry for it. I'd rather she be happy with her new man and at least throwing our marriage in the trash would have been worth it for her. It makes me feel worse that now she regrets it and feels sorry about it. She was so blinded by her new man that she threw everything away. So to me it's not a lovely message, it's a slap in the face.

 

It is a slap in the face. And to be honest, the only person she feels sorry for, or anything else for is herself. She's selfish. She didn't understand anything of what it means to be a wife. She betrayed you, violated your marriage, and while STILL married to you runs out and moves in with this guy. She pretty much was saying "F**k you. f**k our marriage, I don't care about anybody but me, deal with it." And that text message was also the fact that she wants your fogiveness. Why? Because if you forgive her, she'll feel a certain validation to what she's done. You understand what I mean? And your response text let her know you validate NONE of what she's done. I applaud your response. You had every right to make it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would have responded in the same way. All that anger is rightly justified.

 

Your alone on christmas with no one and she has everything, just walked away and got someone new, no concern of the other's she hurt doing so. Just didnt give a damn!!!

 

I would have been pissed off too.

 

And you know what it's a blessing you didnt have kids with her. What kind of mother she would have been to do that to the man she loves?

 

She deserves everything that happens to her from now on, good and bad.

 

Base let it go, Dont contact her or her friends. Leave her alone and move on with your life. If she attempts to contact, erase, ignore and delete.

 

Live your life for you. You'll get back on your feet in 08. First marriage, yeah it sucks how it ended but now you can start over.

 

Go get some new coochie, hit the gym, and next time you get married , if you get married. Make them sign a prenup! lol.

 

I feel you will survive.

 

dont leave the message board, keep us in the loop okay man!

[mental_traveller]

Hah I like your reply - no mincing around, straight and to the point! Keep going and don't give the bitch an inch or she will take a mile.

[mental_traveller]

You didn't ask for any comments or advice but since it's Christmas and I'm in the giving mood I will do so anyway.

 

Exchanges of any kind with your soon-to-be ex wife are completely unproductive.

 

I disagree. He is venting, and that's entirely healthy and feels pretty good - much better than keeping things bottled up inside, then the pressure gets unbearable and a far bigger blowup occurs. It's also good to make people feel like crap when they do something really out of line.

 

Forgiveness can be given in a year or so when he's actually over it - but right now the wounds are fresh and I think the last thing people ought to be saying is for him to forgive and forget.

[bestadvisor]

Did she reply to your text?

[velouria]

When my wife told me she was depressed about not being able to have a baby, and not sure what she wanted in life anymore, and told me she needed space, told me she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore, and if we had a normal seperation, I would have been happy to get that message, we could have perhaps tried to make it work again. But the way she did things, the lying, cheating, I really wish she wasn't sorry for it. I'd rather she be happy with her new man and at least throwing our marriage in the trash would have been worth it for her. It makes me feel worse that now she regrets it and feels sorry about it. She was so blinded by her new man that she threw everything away. So to me it's not a lovely message, it's a slap in the face.

 

A very similar thing happened to me. He's remorseful, the girl he destroyed our family for dumped him-- all for nothing. Nothing. I mean, of course he was lying to her (cliche)... but she knew he was married and then as soon as it was exposed she dumped him? Why do people just have such a disgusting lack of foresight? Well, I think she was scared of me. That doesn't make me feel good.

 

I'm sorry, I'm not one of the healthy ones handing out pearls of wisdom or anything. This is still sticking in my craw in a big way. I forgave him repeatedly, too-- tried like hell to make it work. Just be glad you don't have children to make it altogether more excruciating. Anyway, that he's sorry helps in a very miniscule amount but I know that the person he truly feels sad for is himself. I suspect she is the same, cheaters seem to be cut from similar cloth-- you seem very composed and together, that is a strength. Good for you for not easing up on her. I wish I had been more determined earlier, more steadfast in what I knew to be the right thing. I wanted it all back so bad, I weaken still. I never stopped loving him, you know? I'm just trying to ignore him, not talk to him, let it die. I know it will eventually. I have developed a strategy for the future, everything will be ok. I'm sorry that this happened to you at Christmas.

Edited December 28, 2007 by velouria
typos