A new so called friend ?? WTF

[Grimreaper]

The good

Me and my girl have been going out for a while and we are dead serious about each other.. We been going out for over a year now and now we planned to get married sometime this year.

 

The Bad,

2 weeks back we had a major fight, Which end up us breaking up. She always complains about me and says that [FONT=fmisspellt]im[/FONT] very insecure about her.

Well what can I do about it? the way she is! She has this really bad [FONT=fmisspellt]habit[/FONT] of hitting on everyone she comes across.

 

A so called friend

She meet this guy at her work once several months back. She [FONT=fmisspellt]doesnt[/FONT] even know his last name.

This guy hears that me and my girl have broken up.

Out of the blue the day we broke up this guy calls up my girl to cheer her up. She being the damsel in distress spoke to him for a while. Now this guy keeps calling her every other day and tries to get close to her.

 

 

 

The get back

A week after we broke up we got back together and things started going well for us again.

 

So called friend comes back

This new guy who she claims to be a friend calls her up every other day and they speak for quite some time. I found out about this and she told me that they were just friends,...

 

[FONT=fmisspellt]Doesnt[/FONT] this seem rather strange that the day she broke up with me this guy who [FONT=fmisspellt]shes[/FONT] meet only once before several months back calls her up and she tells her the whole story.

should I be worried about this guy now ?? [FONT=fmisspellt]Whats[/FONT] he trying to do?

[ElvenPriestess]

Two things. First, her hitting on every guy she meets is unacceptable. And you shouldn't put up with it. How is she showing respect to you and your relationship by doing that? She's not.

 

Second, this other guy. The fact that he calls her the day you guys break up can mean two things. One, he genuinely cares, or two, he was excited at the prospect of her being single. Now what needs to be asked here is has she laid down the law to him?

 

Has she told him she's in a relationship, she loves you and that you two are in a dedicated relationship. Or has she led this guy on? I mean if she hits on several men who's not to say that she didn't do that to him, give him these hopes of something more?

 

These are valid questions that you might think of asking her.

[Grimreaper]

Two things. First, her hitting on every guy she meets is unacceptable. And you shouldn't put up with it. How is she showing respect to you and your relationship by doing that? She's not.

 

Second, this other guy. The fact that he calls her the day you guys break up can mean two things. One, he genuinely cares, or two, he was excited at the prospect of her being single. Now what needs to be asked here is has she laid down the law to him?

 

Has she told him she's in a relationship, she loves you and that you two are in a dedicated relationship. Or has she led this guy on? I mean if she hits on several men who's not to say that she didn't do that to him, give him these hopes of something more?

 

These are valid questions that you might think of asking her.

 

Hey

the thing is she claims that its just me being insecure but I sometimes feel otherwise,

She meets several people at work. But she seems like the kind that wants to get to know everyguy she runs into and that just pisses the **** out of me..

IS it me?? am I just being insecure and jelous?

 

I have meet several of her freinds but I dont call them up or they dont call me up when we broke up. When we meet we its a hi how are u blah blah and thats it..

but she wants to get to know all my friends personally. I caught her emailing one of my guy friends asking him for his emails and msn, gtalk IDs. Whats she trying to do here?

 

As for this other guy.

They have meet only once, Only once that too 3-4 moths back and they didnt talk much.. And that waas it, She didnt tak his number he didnt giver her his number.

now that this guy knew she broke up for a few days, he gets her number from somewhere god knows where and started calling her.

 

thats what I dont know for sure. I asked her several times and she keeps saying that wer just friends and I shouldnt be worried. This guy has called her over 5 times in a week. And this is really getting to me now.

I did tell her that I dont like this guy and she should stay away from him but she says that im being unreasonable and totally insecure.

Oh yea she has told this guy that we have gotten back together but yet he calls her and from what I understand that everytime he calls they speak for about 45min

 

 

 

yes im one of those jelous types and I cant stand this.

[ElvenPriestess]

ok, I take it you haven't met this person. I would insist that the next time she wants to see him that she invite you along. See, I don't think it's wrong for a taken female to have male friends, but I think it's how it's handled on both sides that makes a difference.

 

Have you personally seen her being overly flirtatious with other men? Some examples would be good should you have them.

 

I've learned alot from being jealous myself. And from being with a jealous guy too. One thing is, if a guy I'm with has EVER doubted the intentions of a male friend, I have no problem introducing them. Also, if a guy I'm with says hey I don't like this guy, I honestly listen to him, because I know men know how men think better than I do.

 

But there has to be something valid. If there is, I would consider it. Now has she done ANYTHING like this to reassure you that your relationship comes FIRST? She seems to just blow your feelings off. And you having these feelings isn't wrong, you trying to talk to her about it is a good thing. So again, what has she done on her end to reassure you?

 

And lastly, your relationship needs to come first, before her need to feel and know men find her attractive. I'm not saying 100% that's what her motives are, but IMO she, if she truly does flirt with a lot of men, is doing it because it's her security and ego boost. Using other men's attention to validate herself as a wanted and/or attractive woman.

 

What do you think? Am I hitting it here? Or am I way off?

[ElvenPriestess]

And btw, the fact that you admit you are of a jealous nature, kudos to you! But she needs to keep it in mind when dealing with situations and respect you more on it. Not rearrange her entire life, just be aware and caring to your more sensitive nature on the side of other men.

[Grimreaper]

your are right on most of it.

 

I fell in love with her because she seemed like a really nice person when I meet her and when we were going out.

 

She gets friendly really quickly and sometimes over friendly. Yes I do belive that shes is doing all this for her security and boost her ego.

 

I dont have a problem with her having guy friends yes I uderstand she will have guy friends its just the timing thats got to me this time...

No she doesnt meet this guy everyday.. They have meet only once and now everyday they are on the phone. Even right now I tried calling her and her phone was busy for a good 20 min and finally when I got through to her she tells me that she was speaking to this guy. (the guy who started talking to her when we broke up) I asked her why didnt she pick up my calls and she tells me that she was pissed of at me cause I couldnt take her to dinner last night, When I was working my ass off to keep he happy and buy her what she wants

 

She has asked me what to do? And I dont want to order her around but at the same time I want her to do the right thing.

 

Another reason why, 6-8 months back she had a real close guy friend. And I mean these 2 were close really close. I was really busy for a month and couldnt spend much time with her, I used to speak to her for abour 2-3 hours a day.

During this month she slept with this friend 5-6 times.

And then finally this guy asked her out! saying that he has feelings for her all this time and that he loved her. She turned him down the next time they meet.

After that she wantd to continue being friends with this guy but this guy had enough of her horse crap and told her that he never wants to see her again. this was 6-8 months back. Yup I was with her then.

She didnt tell me about until 2 months ago.

Now this guy is also trying to get back into her life as well.

 

man sorry for all this but yup this is whats been happening.

[ElvenPriestess]

Ok, I'm sorry if I sound at a loss but are you teeling me she slept with this guy 5-6 times, as in sex, while you were dating her?

[Grimreaper]

lol sorry I didnt clear it up enough...

 

 

The guy whos she talking to now is a new guy...she started talking to him and getting close to him the day we broke up.. Yup she has told this guy that we have got back but I dont know if its true.

 

 

 

the guy she slept with 6 months back was another guy! this guy who she slept with were good friends for over 5 years.

Who she used to be friends with.. Yup slept with as in went to his place and did it all Yup I was dating her then..

 

She told me the truth about this 2 months a ago and everythig was forgiven and I uderstood that she made a mistake.

 

I hope its clear now ?

[ElvenPriestess]

Oh, perfectly clear. She cheated on you. And doesn't understand the need to prove you can trust her. Cheating on you and then starting up a friendship with another guy while you were broken up who she talks to almost every day while you are back together is not cutting it. She's basically at a point where, after having cheated on you, she needs to do everything in her power to prove to you that's not who she is.

 

And if I were you, I'd feel the same insecurity as you do. Good lord, she cheated so tell me, has she done nothing to rectify, to gain the trust?

[backspn]

One word. Space! Give her lots of it. My wife and I split after she cheated on me and I gave her loads of space. We didnt even talk for a month after i moved out. She loved me but needed the space to figure that out. The flipside is that time away from her will show yourself that you never really did love her and this is a good thing! You will get the hope of repairing what you have and when you do find out the truth about yourself, it will be libertaing. I know this sounds harsh to her but she made the bed....

[Grimreaper]

Oh, perfectly clear. She cheated on you. And doesn't understand the need to prove you can trust her. Cheating on you and then starting up a friendship with another guy while you were broken up who she talks to almost every day while you are back together is not cutting it. She's basically at a point where, after having cheated on you, she needs to do everything in her power to prove to you that's not who she is.

 

And if I were you, I'd feel the same insecurity as you do. Good lord, she cheated so tell me, has she done nothing to rectify, to gain the trust?

 

Im not insecure because I think shes soo hot that everyguy will fall for her, Im insecure becasue I care for her, I dont want to see her get hurt, I truly love her and dont want to see her with anyone else.

 

We both are just average, we are not that great looking or rich and famous..I been asked out a lot more number of times than she has! lol

 

I brought this up with her and she again pushed it aside telling me that I shouldnt be insecure about this new guy and let it go... and that I should belive her and have some trust in her.

 

She does ask me to trust her but its hard for me really hard, I tried soo much but I just cant trust her anymore. It always plays in my mind that shes out there cheating on me,

I used to love her soo much now its just fading away.

It allmost destroyed me, I had to find out from someone else that my girl cheated on me, And even after I did she refused it and asked me to belive her and told me that if I truly loved her that I should belive her, Me being a dumb Fck belived her and 6 months latter she told me the truth. Imagine how bad did it hit me?? Can you even think about it ??

 

And when I get insecure about any guy getting too close to her its my fault she says and wants me not to be like this. How does she expect me to get over it?? JUST HOW?? I tried soo hard I really did. But I just cant seem to do it anymore. Shes even gone to threaten to break up with me even after all this time even after all what shes done, she says she feels that she wants to break up thanks to the way I behave.

 

What do you think I should do now? let her go?

 

There was this one time she was comming back from a long trip and I was there waiting at the airport for her with hot coffee, flowers, candy and a card. I got yelled at because this wasnt the flowers she liked and told me to bring her flowers that she liked the next time.

 

this is how cruel a women can be...

 

@backspn

I understand what you mean, I have given this girl all my heart and everything in me, I just dont have anything more to give, Its always been me giving giving and giving her, everytime shes insecure I sit there and comfort her saying that its only her that I love and I wana marry her.

 

Yeah she does the same to me, but I dont know if I will ever get over this, This has really left me messed up. Im just broken up.

[norajane]

She cheated on you. Why did you take her back after that? Or why didn't you break up with her when she finally told you the truth?

 

She's going to keep walking all over you, because you've basically given her permission to cheat again.

 

No consequences to cheating = no change in behavior.

 

She will cheat again, if she hasn't already.

[Grimreaper]

She cheated on you. Why did you take her back after that? Or why didn't you break up with her when she finally told you the truth?

 

She's going to keep walking all over you, because you've basically given her permission to cheat again.

 

No consequences to cheating = no change in behavior.

 

She will cheat again, if she hasn't already.

 

I took her back because I truly loved her, and I forgave her for it.

 

Now this thing with the new guy makes me feel like crap and I get insulted for bringing ip up.

 

Should I end this with her? Even tho its going to be painful for me I have a feeling that somewhere down the line shes going to use me even more and get rif of me.. So should I end this or is there still hope?

[norajane]

I took her back because I truly loved her, and I forgave her for it.

 

Now this thing with the new guy makes me feel like crap and I get insulted for bringing ip up.

 

Should I end this with her? Even tho its going to be painful for me I have a feeling that somewhere down the line shes going to use me even more and get rif of me.. So should I end this or is there still hope?

 

Yes, end it now. She's not someone who has proven herself to be trustworthy. After she cheated on you, she would have taken greater care not to get close to other guys, and especially would have tried to earn your trust back, IF she loved you and cared about you and the cheating was somehow a 'mistake'.

 

Instead, she is giving you even MORE reason to mistrust her.

 

She's a cheater and a liar and you've already given her a chance to prove herself trustworthy. It's time to cut your losses and move on.

[ElvenPriestess]

Wow. She's mean to you, cruel, that example you gave is heart breaking. She lied to you TO YOUR FACE when confronted with cheating. She doesn't care how you feel about other men in her life, and given her past she should.

 

NJ is right. She's walking all over you, has been for some time. She threatens to break up with you, because you have feelings which stem from her infidelity. Um, what's wrong with this picture here? Yeah, she's controlling and manipulative.

 

There's no healthy relationship here where you're lied to, cheated on, and then told your feelings don't matter, directly or indirectly that's what she's saying to you. She doesn't sound like she feels all that horrible about cheating, she shows that. It's really quite sad. You need to get out. And I feel this way based on reading everything you've posted. She's mean, and careless, thoughtless and yes disrespectful.

 

When are your feelings ever going to matter? They don't seem to to her, so they have to matter to you. And your feelings are being squashed and thrown away by her. Don't let that happen. Please realize you don't deserve this.

 

I think you should talk to her once more. But don't focus on this guy, focus on you and her. Explain many things you have here, such as her not considering your feelings, not understanding there ARE consequences for cheating, and your feelings and mistrust are one of them that she has caused. That she needs to deal with it, and make the repairs or you'll not be able to rebuild the trust. If she has any decency or care for you she WILL understand this.

 

And lastly, ask how she'd feel if the roles were reversed and she was the one cheated on and you stomped on her feelings later that stem from it. Have you ever had this type of talk with her? Since she seems to be pushing you away, which is what this damage is doing, her carelessness, you need to talk to her. And her response will prove to you rather or not it's over. My guess is, it is.

[Grimreaper]

it was really bitter at the end, Today was my last attemt to fix and resolve this. I called her up and she was out with some friends, and she starts screaming at me and says that I ill treat her, mind you all this while she sat around her friends.. done to make me look like the evil one ?

 

She was bitter till the end, kept telling me that I should grow up and that I should get over it, she wasnt uderstanding at all.

Oh she even went on telling me that I shouldnt have a problem with what she did with him.. (Him meaning the new guy she talks to everyday)

 

I took it for a while and then I felt that I had taken enough of this and told her that I would never want to see her again.

Strange her reaction to this was {ok fine, I have put up with you for long enough just get lost, go and die} and she hung up not a word after this. Does she expect me to go after her and beg her to come back?

 

Was it her guilt that made her stick around with me ?And treat me so bad? While all this while she wanted to break up but couldnt do it after what she did with and to me ? And wanted me to break up with her so she could play the damsel in distress and tell everyone how bad I was and the way I ill treated her? Was this her game all along ?

 

Im really confused right now.

 

She seemed so cold and distant, I felt like the person I knew for soo long just vanished into the ocean... and what came out was a cold heartless monster.

Like I didnt mean anything to her. Like I was some toy to her that she had gotten over me so quickly.

 

Im not hurt by the break up, I dont miss her much,

But what hurt me is what she said to me and how quick and easy it was for her.

 

Is this how most women are? I have a gut feeling that shes will move on really quickly.

[ElvenPriestess]

And wanted me to break up with her so she could play the damsel in distress and tell everyone how bad I was and the way I ill treated her?

You got it RIGHT there. She did something aweful to you, by yelling in from of her friends, making you look bad, almost FORCING your hand in this, getting you to leave her, she can get off the phone and they can all feel sorry for her and tell her she's doing the right thing.

 

"ok fine, I have put up with you for long enough just get lost, go and die'

 

Geeze! This girl is a loose cannon. You're much better with out, no one who loves you could say something like this and not at LEAST apologize for it. She comes across as having no morales or conscience, and is out for #1. Herself.

Is this how most women are?

 

Certainly not, I mean some, sure, can be mean and selfish and blame shift there own faults. But not all. You just have to wait for some one who will treat you right, and not walk all over you with the shoe that has dog crap on that they just walked into and didn't tell you.

 

 

I felt like the person I knew for soo long just vanished into the ocean

 

And this is also true. She's not who you tought she was. Or maybe she is, you just allowed yourself to see what you wanted to see in her.

 

Telling you to get over infidelity is her having a major lack of remorse, as well as respect for you. She's cold, heartless, expects you to let her kick you in the face and ask if she'd like you to go her some food. I mean wtf?

 

And that's me being nice about it btw. About what I think of her. YOU ARE way better off. Be thankful. The true colors came out. Could be worse, could have been married.

[Grimreaper]

ElvenPriestess

I dont know where to begin, all this has been happening way too fast.

 

After that day my life has been nothing but a train wrek... everything from this point went soo wrong.

 

While dating her I used to have a huge social circut I gave it all up for her, I used to get asked out everytime,when I was with her and turned them all down. I never cheated on her or even as much as looked at anyone else.

 

Now she does this to me. Today she tried calling me back asking me to give her another chance saying that she was sorry, I didnt know what to do. I told her let me think about it and I hung up..

An hour latter she calls back telling me to stay away from her and that she never wants to see me again.. During this time she also tells me that she doing this because I have a problem with her new friend. And says that this new guy understands her soo much better that she feels she can talk to him.

 

This really hurt me, I broke down after I heard this. She seemed to like it tho. Made her feel better. She told mee that she wanted to see me broken down..

 

Latter a mutal friend tells me that she was talking too him again after she told me all this..

[norajane]

ElvenPriestess

I dont know where to begin, all this has been happening way too fast.

 

After that day my life has been nothing but a train wrek... everything from this point went soo wrong.

 

While dating her I used to have a huge social circut I gave it all up for her, I used to get asked out everytime,when I was with her and turned them all down. I never cheated on her or even as much as looked at anyone else.

 

Now she does this to me. Today she tried calling me back asking me to give her another chance saying that she was sorry, I didnt know what to do. I told her let me think about it and I hung up..

An hour latter she calls back telling me to stay away from her and that she never wants to see me again.. During this time she also tells me that she doing this because I have a problem with her new friend. And says that this new guy understands her soo much better that she feels she can talk to him.

 

This really hurt me, I broke down after I heard this. She seemed to like it tho. Made her feel better. She told mee that she wanted to see me broken down..

 

Latter a mutal friend tells me that she was talking too him again after she told me all this..

 

What exactly do you need to happen before you see that she is BAD NEWS, not just for you, but for every man she ever gets near?

 

The woman is a sociopath.

 

STOP TALKING TO HER.

[Grimreaper]

yea i know but its soo painful. I feel soo much pain to think about her going out with someone else, the pain is just too much..

[ElvenPriestess]

yea i know but its soo painful. I feel soo much pain to think about her going out with someone else, the pain is just too much..

 

This is the kind of pain that will take time, and you WILL heal from it.

 

Now the kind of pain which is the alternative, is more verbal abuse from her. And the whole bit about comparing you to this dude, and saying how he understands her better, the sadistic pleasure in hurting you? That kind of pain would be worse to keep enduring.

 

Don't be a slave to these hurt feelings. Grieve when need be, but she's horrible to you. She does a massive 180 within one hour's time? You can clearly see you don't deserve that crap.

 

Be done, cut your losses, let her have her other guy. And when it hurts, just remind yourself, chances are he will end up in the same situation as you are now, and be thankful it's not you anymore.

[Mary3]

This is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable ! You have so little respect for yourself that you are accepting crumbs of attention , severe disrespect . her laughing at you in front of her friends, her I dont give a sh** attitude about her play friend, her not willing to show you RESPECT and stop seeing the play friend and the final blow that you should go away and die. Well she is a taker and you just keep giving giving giving ! You need to get some counseling and lose this pathetic cheating lame a** excuse of a girlfriend ASAP

 

And NOOOOOOOO you dont love her , you dont even love yourself because if you DID you would drop her 2 seasons ago.

 

Have some self respect , get some HELP ( and I sincerely mean that ) because you will never recover and get yourself right until you work on YOU.

 

Good GOD don't ever go back to the Black Dahlia !

[norajane]

yea i know but its soo painful. I feel soo much pain to think about her going out with someone else, the pain is just too much..

 

But even if she goes out with someone else, eventually, she's only going to want to see him BROKEN DOWN, the way she wants to see you broken down.

 

Get a grip and see her for what she is, not what you made her out to be in your mind.

[sandflea]

Dude, she's not your friend. Trust me.

 

You need to grow a pair, hold your head high, and move on without her.

 

So, she's pretty - on the outside. Her insides seem pretty rotten to me...

 

SF

[Grimreaper]

This is the kind of pain that will take time, and you WILL heal from it.

 

Now the kind of pain which is the alternative, is more verbal abuse from her. And the whole bit about comparing you to this dude, and saying how he understands her better, the sadistic pleasure in hurting you? That kind of pain would be worse to keep enduring.

 

Don't be a slave to these hurt feelings. Grieve when need be, but she's horrible to you. She does a massive 180 within one hour's time? You can clearly see you don't deserve that crap.

 

Be done, cut your losses, let her have her other guy. And when it hurts, just remind yourself, chances are he will end up in the same situation as you are now, and be thankful it's not you anymore.

 

thank you all for your support ! and trying to help me go through this. Like they say you guys can only show me the door but I have to walk through it.

Thats the whole thing, im soo used to putting up with her that I dont think I can love anyone who doesnt scream at me like she did or treat me like she did.. I somehow got used to the way she treated me and now I realy feel that even the cheating was very ok. I just want her back I really want her back in my life.

she was everything I hated in a person but I just loved her for who she was, I had started excepting what she is and I really didnt have a problem with anything she did to me other than the cheating or maybe I didnt. God im soo lost and confused I dont know what to do anymore.

Everytime my phone rings I pray its her but only find it to be some annoying sales call.

My life is nothing but a canrival of rust without her love, feels like im going to break down. Today on the raido they were playing our favorite song to which we used to dance all night.

I got Drunk last night and allmost dialed her number, I cried most of last night didnt sleep a wink, felt like $h|T in the morning.

I wish I could just wipe her away from my head, Its not easy. I have all of her stuff around me. Her pictures, pictures of us together, everything I look at reminds me of her and makes me cry and cry

I just want the pain to go away,

Im thinking of taking the weekend offf to some place quiet and where I can be alone..