june-bug Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I have been reading all day, and am posting similar to everyone else. (1st time on a forum!). I have been married for 5 years, we have a 6 year old son. I initiatated the separation, to take pressure off of relationship and maybe get counseling. ex approached me for counseling and I backed off because i felt we needed more space. we get along great, and communicate well regarding our son. I was spending the separation being alone, thinking, being with friends and reflecting on relationship. He approached me again to find out where it was heading and I said "not back together". i said this because i was unsure and didn't want to lead him on. he began dating a coworker right away. much younger. i fell apart immediately. but a few days later decided i had made a mistake. i know... suddenly someone else wants him and I "decide" i need him. But i approached him and he seemed game for talking and moving slowly. we spent the night together, he said he missed me and didn't want to never be with me again. then a total 180. backed off. still friendly, respectful, but says "door is not closed, but not right now". he says he is unhappy, anxious, and miserable. i have taken responsibility for my part. we have had a tremendous ability to talk and heal and have the same shared goals for our child. he says he does not want a step parent/mixed family, nor does he want to be single dad. i understand his hesitation and am trying to use this time to work on my issues thru counseling. i feel like dating someone means "door closed". is this reasonable? I am trying to move on and be ready for the worst, but my heart cannot let go. does waiting seem futile? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 In time you may gain his trust back again but he needs to be sure that you will not try and leave him again and he has very good reason to fear that. I don't know why you wanted the seperation but if he did nothing wrong at all maybe he is looking at you differently since in his mind you were ready to throw it all away for nothing. If you truly want him back it will take time. You did hurt him and you can't expect to just want him back and he comes crawling back. Sorry if I am being harsh but this is what he is thinking right now, Link to post Share on other sites
guessjeans Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 although me and my ex have been split for 4 yrs, after 26 yrs together, I am still very much in love with my ex husband, but for reasons I felt were right, I didnt tell him how I felt because he moved his elderly parents into his home 3 yrs ago, just a week before I planned on telling him I would like to patch things up. Right or wrong, I would have made the same decision again. But i never stopped loving him and caring for him. During these past 4 yrs i have never met anyone worth dating, and my work schedule, and my son being very ill on and off during the past 2 yrs, I just havent met anyone that I would like to date. Well, come past October, my ex starts up a relationship with the office secretary that just left her husband. He hired her back when we were in our last yr together, but she was living with her husband. Immediately after leaving her husbands home, they were literally sleeping together the next day. Needless to say, I was devastated, and I panicked and told him how I feel and why I held back telling him. Fast forward to just a week ago, first time we have really talked since December, our son is sick and seeing a lot of specialists right now. We get on the subject and he says that this relationship with this woman is just companionship. That he loves her, like you would love someone because you are with them. He said quote " it isnt like that between them". She is 10 yrs older than me..i am 47 yrs, she is 58! I never put my life on hold for this man. I carried on moving forward with my life and doing the things I wanted to do. I believe in your case, again these office romances kill me! Ppl just dont understand that a lot of it is just infatuation. They build up a relationship and begin dating while at work, until one is free, and once the relationship is out in the open and they begin the relationship part of it...it takes on a very quick seriousness to it. It usually goes very fast. But you know what they say...the faster it goes, the faster it dies! I know it is painful..i can only imagine being in your shoes when me and my ex first separated to find he was with someone else. But something I have read and learned first off is you cant allow them to keep you hanging around like an ole comfortable slipper, while choosing to give the smiles, and hugs, the good moods etc, to another person. He has made a choice and I think its up to you now to show him what his choice is going to cost him. I would make it very clear to him that you and him will NOT have sex again! Secondly, if he isnt out of the house, ask him to leave! Give him a good dose of part time fatherhood. Then tell him you are seeing a lawyer next week to arrange payments, etc. Dont allow him to feel you are going to be his back up girl! That he no longer has a soft place to land in your home or with you. Try to remain strong and act like you dont care, that the most important thing now is to move on and care for the children. Act like you dont care. I know its hard, but if he sees you really dont care, trust me when I say that he will respect you more for standing up for your dignity and independence, and if he chooses to continue with this woman, then there is no going back to you when it fails...because it will..i guarantee it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author june-bug Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 First. i have to say that it is amazing to me to hear advice ans stories from others out there. I have never been on a forum, and suddenly feel like i have a support group. how nice, and touching that people take time to offer support to strangers. Secondly, our relationship had problems that ran both directions, fairly typical marriage stuff, no infidelities or major breaches of trust. I truly believed we would get back together and mistakenly made a huge decision too early in the process. We had an agreemnt of 6 mos, no dating others, and counseling. he came to me after 2mos or so and asked if we were working toward reconciliation. i said no, but i should have said "let's discuss it". Instead i said no. I never ever imagined that a 3rd party would enter our picture. I do not feel sorry for myself, i know that i took a gamble and lost. I just cannot figure out how to proceed from here, especially since we share a close parenting relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I have to disagree with guessjeans. If your H would have come on here & posted his story, my reading experience here tells me the majority of advise to him would be: Space!? Space is shorthand for ' I want to venture out into new pastures'. Man she's gone. Let her go and keep your dignity. If she comes back crawling, send her packing. Tell her I want space, FOREVER! It is all predictable. You will be in denial for a while. That's understandable, but cut your emotional losses. Stay focused on your work and other aspects of your life. She is not worth losing your sleep over. Be tough! That is the only way out. I am sorry, but she won't be back and neither should you want her if she comes back. _______________________________________________________ Not every offer of "trial" separation is made with honest intent. Sometimes it's made in an effort to keep the other spouse calm and malleable while the exiting spouse makes their getaway. The added benefit is that it keeps the other guy waiting, kind of like a safety net... while the exiting spouse makes an attempt at establishing life as a single. The only really GOOD excuse for physical separation that I've read about is as an intervention to allow time for resolving destructive behaviors. In the case of drug abuse, physical abuse, or things of that nature, the destructive behaviors must be addressed before the couple can work on the relationship. IMHO, I view the ultimatum of "either trial separation or out-and-out divorce" as Emotional Blackmail. If it were me... I'd rather BE divorced than to live with someone who would treat me that way ______________________________________________________ Somebody who needs SPACE means most of the time there is somebody else in the wings ______________________________________________________ Ok, that's just 3 I could find. This forum is full of those kinds of responses. I have to admit, your post is the first I've ever read about the W side of "I need space, and there is in fact NO other person." But, to start acting like you are now the victim & need to set the rules for your H, is just not good advise. He wouldn't be doing what he is if you hadn't initiated it. Maybe he's on here posting & getting the above advise & trying to play it cool.?. Or, he feels he's all ready lost you so why try..?.. Good luck, I know it's not easy. I don't have the answers, but a lot of experienced posters will probably weigh in & have some good advise for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trecherized Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 She's right about the typical advice that a guy would get if he was to post something on here. maybe i missed it but why did you ask for this to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author june-bug Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 i asked for it because we had a pattern that could not be broken by any means that i could see. i over reacted he underreacted, constantly. i wanted to step back, calm down and take the pressure off of us. I didn't have it so bad, but perspective is everything. I did not expect him to date! I thought we had time to figure things out. I never saw that coming. i was wrong. i am not trying to seem like a victim. i made the choices that led us here, but i am just confused by his current behavior. I plan on just leaving him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author june-bug Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 You're right. "space" does mean all of those things you stated in bold. I even went one worse. i think what i actually said was "distance". I love that i get to hear things other than what our friends say. they want to see us together and soften things all the time. I was a wrong about some important things, i am not excusing myself, but i hope that i can make good. he thought i left for someone else. I only recently found that out. i've been with friends and family the whole time. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 She's right about the typical advice that a guy would get if he was to post something on here. maybe i missed it but why did you ask for this to begin with? The advice is 100% right and I tell men that moving on might make your wife 2nd guess her decision. In this case that approach worked. Chances are he knows men who have had the bomb dropped on them because this situation is not uncommon and in his mind he knows where this is headed. If you really do want him back you will have to prove that he can trust you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author june-bug Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 so, in that case , i should ignore the advice of my friends that I should date. they say that i cannot count on this and should get confident and date. this just seems like high school. I don't feel like dating someone is how i could build new trust. but then again, i am trying not to center all of my feelings and behavior on him. I initiated the separation, but he is far from innocent in this. ever time i approached the subject of counseling when things started to get difficult he shot it down. every time i opened up to him about my part in the whole thing, he closed like a clam. last week, for the first time in our whole relationship, we had an even, 2 way exchange, where we BOTH took some responsibility. If it weren't for him dating someone, I'd say we were on a good path. we communicate clearer and more honestly. we always end every talk with a very long, warm hug. I feel like we are building trust again. BUT, the dating is a clear sign that he isn't in this. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 It depends on if you want this or not. Deep down he does want to make it work between you two but he doesn't trust you right now. You asked for a seperation and in his mind that is a prelude to a divorce so he feels free to date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author june-bug Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 this is going to sound naive for a 32 year old, but... can someone navigate 2 situations at once, separately? I'm not much of a dater. I haven't really ever been single, so i don't know how. I don't give time and attention to someone unless I am really interested in something. That's not really dating. I am trying to gauge, without asking H, how much of a threat this girl really is... probably pointless speculating. He has said that his dating had nothing to do with his decision to wait. at some point i just start feeling foolish. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Chances are he was just lonely and responded to the attention especially if she is younger. He was feeling battered by the situation and felt flattered that a woman still desired him. This all boils down to trust and right now he does not trust you. Prove that you are trustworthy and you will have a much better chance. It probably has very little to do with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author june-bug Posted February 15, 2008 Author Share Posted February 15, 2008 my ex is sick, and has come over to take a bath twice. (he has not tub, only a shower). both times, he and our son hung out for awhile. this is weird, no? i let him and love to help him if he needs me. he's not the type to take advantage either. i am trying not to read into this, but it seems like something to me. any opinions? would you go take a bath at an ex's house who you know wants you back? maybe it's a small reach. Link to post Share on other sites
milena35 Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 June-bug, your situation sounds like mine, but what you did is what my husband has done to me. No third party involved, no adultery, its all about his job, himself and his boys, I am not in his thoughts anymore, he loves me to death as mother of his boys but not in love anymore, he said that he has been feeling like this for 2 years and I guess he was in denial, I use to tell him that we needed to see counseling and he kept blowing me off, so now this happens. He wants a break from me so I told him to leave the house, he now lives with a friend in a studio apartment, I stopped asking him if this about someone he has met and I know now for sure its not about that, he told me that its not about going out there to be free or date other people its all about myself and his career which he is finally succedding, you see he had bad luck with holding a job before, I always had a job while he was home collecting unemployment and he told me that really hit him and he now that he is happy with this job he cannot slow down. I am willing to wait but for how long I dont' know anymore, I have a feeling that I will be done with him real soon. Good luck to you and you should give it time also. Milena Link to post Share on other sites
Arch Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 (edited) You telling him you wanted space was interpreted as "I want to date other people and if I find someone I like more I will get a divorce" I would not want to take you back either. Edited March 22, 2008 by Arch Link to post Share on other sites
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