Can't leave him

[Life]

My H and I have been married for 2 years. I was 40 when I married him, he had 2 children from a previous relationship. I admit that in the beginning, I took advantage of the fact that his children's mother was not around and so I knew he needed me.

 

Suddenly things changed during the summer when she came back into town. He started spending nights away from home, and when the children were with their mother, he would be gone for long weekends. I took it upon myself to ask him if he was seeing someone and he said yes. I asked if it was the mother of his and he said no. I did not care who he was seeing at the time because I am the one living in his house, sleeping in his bed...until he told me to leave his bedroom and sleep in the guest room.

 

Then he did not come home for our 2nd anniversary, he spent the night away from home. When he came back home, I gave him a happy anniversary card and thats when he told me that the marriage was over. I ignored it and continued to try and make things work. Then he stopped eating anything I cook. He hired a baby sitter. The children visit their mother every other weekend and during those times, he is gone for entire weekend. On my b/day, he did not come home. I have tried to work things out but he insists that our marriage is over.

 

I know that he is not seeing the mother of his children. I dont start any arguements when he comes home after being gone for the entire weekend. He has not touched me or had sex with me in 8 months and has told me that he seeing someone else. He offered to relocate me and I ignored him. I have refused to move out of the home. I tried to get family involved so that we could work it out and he ignores everyone that I have asked to talk to him. We don't do anything together. He does not take me out to dinner, no parties, nothing.

 

I really want to save my marriage, can't give him up but this OW has such a hold on him that I dont know what to do. He does not hide what he is doing, he comes home in different clothing which means that he has some of his things at her home.

 

What can I do to keep him?

[dropdeadlegs]

You can't keep him. An individual is in a relationship of their own accord.

 

I know it hurts, but you should take him up on the offer to relocate you. I'm surprised that he hasn't forcibly removed you or left himself.

 

You deserve better than to be sleeping in the guest room and will find someone who will be happy to share their life with you, but that can't happen until this ends.

 

I'm really sorry, but your marriage has been over for many months.

[jenniferc1114]

"I really want to save my marriage"

 

Why? What marriage? I strongly recommend you seek professional help. You need to work on your self worth. There is no love from this man to you. Many cheating husbands struggle with the love they have for their spouse and their needs to cheat. This is not the case with your H. He is telling you in everyway, he does not love you. It's not about the OW.

 

Are you a bad person? Of course not! You seem very "giving" and very "loving". You deserve so much more from life. Your H is offerring a chance for you to start a new life. He knows you deserve better too. Seek why you're putting yourself down, then reach up, climb out, and start living a real life.

[BareGoddess]

There's not a thing you can do to keep him and frankly I don't know why you would. Don't you want to be with a man who wants you more than anything? Where's your self-respect? Leave this bum!

[Politico]

My H and I have been married for 2 years. I was 40 when I married him...

 

If it is to you, let me hasten to tell you that 40 is anything but old. Your life is nowhere near over. Just your so-called marriage is, as well it should be.

 

What can I do to keep him?

 

What I can't understand is why you'd want to, unless the above is the issue. If so let's talk!

[Zolie]

he told me to leave his bedroom and sleep in the guest room.

 

he did not come home for our 2nd anniversary

 

he told me that the marriage was over.

 

he stopped eating anything I cook.

 

On my b/day, he did not come home.

 

he insists that our marriage is over.

 

He has not touched me or had sex with me in 8 months

 

told me that he seeing someone else.

 

We don't do anything together.

 

He does not take me out to dinner, no parties, nothing.

 

Sweetheart, read each of those sentences again and again. Face the reality. The marriage is over. I'm so sorry, because I know you want to save it, and some marriages can be saved, but this one is not one of those. Please stop deluding yourself and give up. He is in love with someone else.

 

Why does he stay? Is the house his? Is he trying to make you so miserable that you leave first? Has he complained to you about any behavior on your part (real or perceived) that may have caused him to turn away from you?

 

I cannot imagine how you continue to live like this. Please just let him go. He sounds like a horrible man. I don't fault him for falling in love with someone else, but I do fault him for mistreating you so badly!

Edited February 2, 2008 by Zolie
correction

[jaslene2009]

Personally, there is nothing you can do. If he don't want you, than you must move on. Get a move on because he could file for divorce and move you out of the home. Listen to him and take heed to what he is telling you. Besides, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you. You need to get mentally healthy. What I mean by that is............ You need to start loving you! Start loving everything about you and turn your focus on the the things that use to matter to you before you got married or some of the things you wanted to accomplish during the marriage for yourself. Obviously, he has chosen and he does have the right to chose and so do you. You know where you stand with him and so now you got to put things into perspective. I hope that you feel better real soon. I know that it is hard to move on but take the first step and the rest should follow.

My

H

and I have been married for 2 years. I was 40 when I married him, he had 2 children from a previous relationship. I admit that in the beginning, I took advantage of the fact that his children's mother was not around and

so

I knew he needed me.

 

Suddenly things changed during the summer when she came back into town. He started spending nights away from home, and when the children were with their mother, he would be gone for long weekends. I took it upon myself to ask him if he was seeing someone and he said yes. I asked if it was the mother of his and he said no. I did not care who he was seeing at the time because I am the one living in his house, sleeping in his bed...until he told me to leave his bedroom and sleep in the guest room.

 

Then he did not come home for our 2nd anniversary, he spent the night away from home. When he came back home, I gave him a happy anniversary card and thats when he told me that the marriage was over. I ignored it and continued to try and make things work. Then he stopped eating anything I cook. He hired a baby sitter. The children visit their mother every other weekend and during those times, he is gone for entire weekend. On my b/day, he did not come home. I have tried to work things out but he insists that our marriage is over.

 

I know that he is not seeing the mother of his children. I dont start any arguements when he comes home after being gone for the entire weekend. He has not touched me or had sex with me in 8 months and has told me that he seeing someone else. He offered to relocate me and I ignored him. I have refused to move out of the home. I tried to get family involved

so

that we could work it out and he ignores everyone that I have asked to talk to him. We don't do anything together. He does not take me out to dinner, no parties, nothing.

 

I really want to save my marriage, can't give him up but this

OW

has such a hold on him that I dont know what to do. He does not hide what he is doing, he comes home in different clothing which means that he has some of his things at her home.

 

What can I do to keep him?

 

[LadyDi]

The man does not want you. Move on! You are better than this!!

[Life]

I wish it was that easy for me to give up on my marriage. We have not even been married a complete 2 year cycle. I wish I had done things differently. He was kind, peaceful, loving and I took it for granted.

 

At first, I thought and acted like he was lucky to have me. Suddenly, I am the outsider in the house. I know that its not my house, but I just can't see myself leaving and being in an apartment after staying in a huge house. I know that this should not matter but I will be so embarassed. I love my husband, and I wish I could have done things differently from the beginning. He said that he was decieved by me by the whole marriage. I did tell him that I was athletic, but I really am not. I should have taken better care of the home and I did not. Maybe if I can get him to sleep with and I get pregnant he might change the way he thinks of me.

 

So many maybe's. I am desperate to hold onto him, but he has moved on emotionally and mentally. He only comes home at night in time to check on homeworks and put his children to sleep.

 

It just hurts because I am the wife and another woman has his undivided attention. Its so obvious that he gives the OW more attention than me. Maybe I should speak to her and ask her to leave him alone so that I can work on my marriage.

 

As hard as it is to accept what everyone has written, you are right.

[Sierra Sunrise]

So he wants you out of the home and to re-locate you? Not on your life darling. Do not leave that home, consult an attorney and get it rolling. You don't want to live in a apartment? Great. Then go for the house and alimony and anything else that you can. He's having a affair and he needs to pay. I certainly paid for my mistakes. Maybe not with finances but I paid with a hell of a lot of work and counseling and loads of stuff. This guy is stuffing it in your face at every turn. Get on the ball. Get a attorney and get the goods on him. I promise you that you will come out better if you don't leave the home. I wouldn't make life pleasant for him at all at the house. Don't cook for him, get some counseling, and start to heal. I didn't have a cake walk after my affairs. No one should. I have learned from my mistakes.

 

Seriously start some legalities. Do not let him take advantage of you!

[OWoman]

Is this Nextel's MM's stbxW? It sounds very much like it - the details are way too similar to be coincidental.

 

In which case, it's all over bar the shouting, anyway, since he's already filed for divorce.

 

My H and I have been married for 2 years. I was 40 when I married him, he had 2 children from a previous relationship. I admit that in the beginning, I took advantage of the fact that his children's mother was not around and so I knew he needed me.

 

Suddenly things changed during the summer when she came back into town. He started spending nights away from home, and when the children were with their mother, he would be gone for long weekends. I took it upon myself to ask him if he was seeing someone and he said yes. I asked if it was the mother of his and he said no. I did not care who he was seeing at the time because I am the one living in his house, sleeping in his bed...until he told me to leave his bedroom and sleep in the guest room.

 

Then he did not come home for our 2nd anniversary, he spent the night away from home. When he came back home, I gave him a happy anniversary card and thats when he told me that the marriage was over. I ignored it and continued to try and make things work. Then he stopped eating anything I cook. He hired a baby sitter. The children visit their mother every other weekend and during those times, he is gone for entire weekend. On my b/day, he did not come home. I have tried to work things out but he insists that our marriage is over.

 

I know that he is not seeing the mother of his children. I dont start any arguements when he comes home after being gone for the entire weekend. He has not touched me or had sex with me in 8 months and has told me that he seeing someone else. He offered to relocate me and I ignored him. I have refused to move out of the home. I tried to get family involved so that we could work it out and he ignores everyone that I have asked to talk to him. We don't do anything together. He does not take me out to dinner, no parties, nothing.

 

I really want to save my marriage, can't give him up but this OW has such a hold on him that I dont know what to do. He does not hide what he is doing, he comes home in different clothing which means that he has some of his things at her home.

 

What can I do to keep him?

[Life]

So he wants you out of the home and to re-locate you? Not on your life darling. Do not leave that home, consult an attorney and get it rolling. You don't want to live in a apartment? Great. Then go for the house and alimony and anything else that you can. He's having a affair and he needs to pay. I certainly paid for my mistakes. Maybe not with finances but I paid with a hell of a lot of work and counseling and loads of stuff. This guy is stuffing it in your face at every turn. Get on the ball. Get a attorney and get the goods on him. I promise you that you will come out better if you don't leave the home. I wouldn't make life pleasant for him at all at the house. Don't cook for him, get some counseling, and start to heal. I didn't have a cake walk after my affairs. No one should. I have learned from my mistakes.

 

Seriously start some legalities. Do not let him take advantage of you!

 

 

I don't know what good that will do in a no-fault state. Alimony is not mandated by the state, and if I get anything, it wont be that much. The house is his, either way I am told I will have to leave anyway. I am consulting with some friends who are lawyers, and I would rather keep my marriage than lose him, thats my best option.

[Life]

Is this Nextel's MM's stbxW? It sounds very much like it - the details are way too similar to be coincidental.

 

In which case, it's all over bar the shouting, anyway, since he's already filed for divorce.

 

 

Who is this nextel?

[child_of_isis]

My thoughts exactly!

 

Eerie stuff!

Is this Nextel's MM's stbxW? It sounds very much like it - the details are way too similar to be coincidental.

 

[mark982]

life,he's using you as a doormat.i mean i really feel bad(he sounds like my ex)but how much of a hit can your pride take?

[whichwayisup]

I don't know what good that will do in a no-fault state. Alimony is not mandated by the state, and if I get anything, it wont be that much. The house is his, either way I am told I will have to leave anyway. I am consulting with some friends who are lawyers, and I would rather keep my marriage than lose him, thats my best option.

 

The guy you married is scum. You deserve better. I know it hurts and right now you have alot of regrets, but once things settle down and you have time to really think and digest everything, I bet you're going to feel happier. Being stuck in a marriage with someone who doesn't love you is degrating. Sadly, your soon to be ex husband has made his choice and there isn't anything you can do to change his mind. All you can do is accept it, and try your best to move on..

 

Definately talk to your lawyer. And, take care of you..Be around your close friend and family, let them support you through this rough time.

[OWoman]

I would rather keep my marriage than lose him, thats my best option.

 

You cannot force someone to stay in a marriage against their will.

 

If this post is for real, I'm interested in what part of "the marriage is over" you don't understand, given that he's repeated it and borne it out by his actions.

[SerenityX2]

This situation is far too similar to Nextel's for it to not be related...unless it is Nex herself trying to get views from the other side of the fence. and I say this b/c the info posted here is not much diff that what she has admitted to knowing....soooo I'm not getting the 3-sides to every story feeling...and like I said...too coincidental.

 

Regardless my advice would be the same, but we'll go from the standpoint this really is the stbXw

 

The guy is garbage. He has kids with one woman that he couldn't make a go of that r'ship. Then after 2 years (not even) he "decides" he's in love with someone else that he has pined for all along but didn't have the courage to pursue when he could have, he waited UNTIL he was married...and claims the marriage was a mistake.

 

He may not be a classic commitment-phobe, but he's def a "grass is greener" and for now he thinks he has that...until he gets bored with that too and moves on.

 

He forms r'ships and never sees anything through with the past/current....don't think he won't do the same over and over...and you are far better off without someone like that.

 

A decent guy would have ended things with you FIRST (if he really was that unhappy) then pursued. He's a coward who needs to test-drive and make sure he has something else before moving on...and like I said, a guy like that will never be happy b/c there will always,always be something and somebody better when the excitement and drama of something new dies down...and it will.

 

I'm not into advising to go for monetary stuff as much as I am, keeping your dignity...but you may want to consult with diff attorneys...even just the 2 year thing...you may not be entitled to the house per se, but you may be entitled to a percentage of it. but I would first advise to keep your head up and realize you're worth far more than this guy was giving you.

 

Take heart...it won't be long before he's saying...

 

NEXT

[OWoman]

And now both nextel and Life seem to have gone to ground...?

[thankful15289]

life,

 

Find the best lawyer you can (screw the expense) and get out. You are worried about how you feel. He obviously is not, and that is very dangerous. What are you going to do when his OW loses her patience and instead of offering to relocate you he gets a lawyer and kicks you out (don't think it can't happen; the law is largely about power, not justice)?

 

And please stop blaming yourself for the way this idiot is acting. You've done nothing wrong, especially compared to what he has done. Besides, regardless of anything you have done his choices are his choices. Unless you put a gun to his head and said "cheat, dammit", he is responsible for all of this pain and misery. Not you.

 

None of this makes what you are going through any easier. You are looking for justice and probably will not find it, now or ever. I know it is really tempting to blame yourself, because even that hurt can feel better than the reality of knowing just how vulnerable we all are when we fall in love, but in the long run this will drag you down.

 

Get angry. Get really, really angry. Then harness it. Don't do anything illegal or immoral, but do everything within the law to protect yourself. Right now.