Self Destruct ~ Coming apart

[D-Lish]

The last couple years of my life have been so difficult. It's been an incredible struggle between teetering on the edge of holding things together and completely falling apart. Over the past month or so I could feel myself losing my grasp over what little semblance of control I had left.

 

I am posting in the breaks and breaking up section because I feel like a lot of the problems I am having have to do with relationships.

 

I guess have always had that sensation of falling, I've probably been falling since my husband and I split up 5 years ago. When that happened I really pushed that grief to the back of my head and ignored it. I had a break up a couple years back- the one that brought me here actually.... and although the guy was not someone I truly loved or should have been with.... that break up triggered and surfaced all the issues of my divorce and that loss. (My husband and I were having problems and he got another woman pregnant...which promptly ended an 8 year relationship and year and a half marriage).

 

So now I find myself in my mid thirties, making a series of bad choices, drinking and partying more than I should be, dating jerks and unanavailable younger men.... And it has just gotten worse. The last two months have been out of control for me....spinning out of control actually. I've put myself at risk more than I care to elaborate on. The shame over that doesn't help.

 

I've always fought a bit with depression, but I have managed it, or at least been able to masque it. I think most of my friends would die of shock if they could see what is inside my head right now. I am always the one people come to for help and advice... I am usually the mentor. Now I feel lost and alone in my situation with no where to turn for help. Not that I don't have help available to me... I am just too proud to ask for it.

I have this exterior- it's a facade- of this happy, animated, put together girl.... but I can't even fake that anymore.

 

I am not drinking every day- but I drink to excess at least 3 times a week...sometimes by myself. I form superficial relationships with guys who are all wrong for me- and I allow them to get into my heart and hurt me. It's like I punish myself, on purpose.

 

I decided a couple weeks ago that it was time to clear the slate and I broke up with a guy I was seeing who was too young for me, and not a good choice for a long term relationship. I also cleared the alcohol out of my house and tried to cut back. I've cut back a bit- but not as much as I should be.

 

You'd think that taking steps to turn a new leaf would help to make me feel better..... but I feel a whole lot worse.

 

The world suddenly got a whole lot lonlier- more lonley than usual. I cry at the drop of a hat...it's just a level of sadness that feels sort of rock bottomish. I went back on my decision to break up with my young ex and contacted him- only to be rejected quite brutally.... which of course made me feel even worse. It was a GOOD choice to break things off with him- but I can't stop hurting over not having him around.

 

I look back at the last year- a series of failed relationships, my business has been doing so terribly I have to close, I found love and happiness through a pregnancy and then I lost that pregnancy, and that lover betrayed me.... my parents have been supporting me financially. It's gotten to the point where I am so confused about my ability to make good decisions that I don't trust myself to recognize what is positive and what is not.

 

It just feels like I have fought and fought to hold it together for so long- and the last couple months things unravelled really quickly.

 

I am sitting here, and the tears are streaming down my face- and this is what it has been like pretty consistently since the turn of the new year.

 

Sorry this is so long. I haven't known where to vent.

I see my doctor, and have been on my anti-depressants for a couple years. I should probably have them re-evaluated as they may not be the right combination for me. Even when I see my doctor- I feel bad, like I am burdening her if I talk about how I feel.

 

So instead, I have begun to isolate myself, I'm caving. Avoiding all responsibilities... Not talking to my friends and family. I've barely been able to see my 6 month old nephew since I miscarried.

 

I don't want to feel like this- so incapable and lost and lonley. I know I have the ability to make things better and I want to do that. I guess I have to concede this time that I need some help to do that. My first step- venting here, sort of laying things out.

 

Long post I know. Today has been a particularly bad day.

[lovelorcet]

I honestly know how some of that feels, and all I can really say is that my heart goes out to you. I have been there before as well, you feel how everything is spinning and you just don't know how to stop it.

 

It sucks...

 

I guess you have to decide is this going to be a downward spiral or is this just a temporary phase?

[tanbark813]

I don't have any pearls of wisdom but I hope things start to go your way soon. You could try just focusing on one thing at a time. There's only so much you can fix at any given time. The steps you've taken already sound like a good start. Maybe you're not making progress as quickly as you'd like but you have to crawl before you can walk. Baby steps, D-Lish...

[LOVE DAISIES]

WOW Dlish....I read your whole post and wanted to give you a big ((((huuug))))). It sounds very stressful for you right now.

 

It sounds as though you have some unresolved issues....and like you said, maybe the anti depressants are not right for you. Have you ever tried Wellabutrin?? I have and it worked great. In low dosages it takes off the heaviness of a drug like Paxil and it doesn't make you lethargic at all. It actually increases your energy. Just a thought I'd throw at you....

 

Anyway..I hope you feel better. Writing can be cathartic sometimes...

maybe you could journal your feelings too.

 

I definetely think getting rid of the booze was a good idea. Thats a depressant anyway. One thing I did once was go "man free" for a six month period. Sometimes relationships just screw with your head too much...so don't think you HAVE to be in one. You don't.

 

Hope you feel better soon!!!!!

[Kamille]

I don't have any pearls of wisdom either except ((D-Lish)).

 

I had one depression at one point in my life and I know how hard it is to 1) accept you've hit a wall 2) see the end of the tunnel.

 

the only thing that helped me through was to really simplify pleasure: take a walk and enjoy the sun on my skin, take a bath and enjoy the warmth of the water.

[Meaplus3]

The last couple years of my life have been so difficult. It's been an incredible struggle between teetering on the edge of holding things together and completely falling apart. Over the past month or so I could feel myself losing my grasp over what little semblance of control I had left.

 

I am posting in the breaks and breaking up section because I feel like a lot of the problems I am having have to do with relationships.

 

I guess have always had that sensation of falling, I've probably been falling since my husband and I split up 5 years ago. When that happened I really pushed that grief to the back of my head and ignored it. I had a break up a couple years back- the one that brought me here actually.... and although the guy was not someone I truly loved or should have been with.... that break up triggered and surfaced all the issues of my divorce and that loss. (My husband and I were having problems and he got another woman pregnant...which promptly ended an 8 year relationship and year and a half marriage).

 

So now I find myself in my mid thirties, making a series of bad choices, drinking and partying more than I should be, dating jerks and unanavailable younger men.... And it has just gotten worse. The last two months have been out of control for me....spinning out of control actually. I've put myself at risk more than I care to elaborate on. The shame over that doesn't help.

 

I've always fought a bit with depression, but I have managed it, or at least been able to masque it. I think most of my friends would die of shock if they could see what is inside my head right now. I am always the one people come to for help and advice... I am usually the mentor. Now I feel lost and alone in my situation with no where to turn for help. Not that I don't have help available to me... I am just too proud to ask for it.

I have this exterior- it's a facade- of this happy, animated, put together girl.... but I can't even fake that anymore.

 

I am not drinking every day- but I drink to excess at least 3 times a week...sometimes by myself. I form superficial relationships with guys who are all wrong for me- and I allow them to get into my heart and hurt me. It's like I punish myself, on purpose.

 

I decided a couple weeks ago that it was time to clear the slate and I broke up with a guy I was seeing who was too young for me, and not a good choice for a long term relationship. I also cleared the alcohol out of my house and tried to cut back. I've cut back a bit- but not as much as I should be.

 

You'd think that taking steps to turn a new leaf would help to make me feel better..... but I feel a whole lot worse.

 

The world suddenly got a whole lot lonlier- more lonley than usual. I cry at the drop of a hat...it's just a level of sadness that feels sort of rock bottomish. I went back on my decision to break up with my young ex and contacted him- only to be rejected quite brutally.... which of course made me feel even worse. It was a GOOD choice to break things off with him- but I can't stop hurting over not having him around.

 

I look back at the last year- a series of failed relationships, my business has been doing so terribly I have to close, I found love and happiness through a pregnancy and then I lost that pregnancy, and that lover betrayed me.... my parents have been supporting me financially. It's gotten to the point where I am so confused about my ability to make good decisions that I don't trust myself to recognize what is positive and what is not.

 

It just feels like I have fought and fought to hold it together for so long- and the last couple months things unravelled really quickly.

 

I am sitting here, and the tears are streaming down my face- and this is what it has been like pretty consistently since the turn of the new year.

 

Sorry this is so long. I haven't known where to vent.

I see my doctor, and have been on my anti-depressants for a couple years. I should probably have them re-evaluated as they may not be the right combination for me. Even when I see my doctor- I feel bad, like I am burdening her if I talk about how I feel.

 

So instead, I have begun to isolate myself, I'm caving. Avoiding all responsibilities... Not talking to my friends and family. I've barely been able to see my 6 month old nephew since I miscarried.

 

I don't want to feel like this- so incapable and lost and lonley. I know I have the ability to make things better and I want to do that. I guess I have to concede this time that I need some help to do that. My first step- venting here, sort of laying things out.

 

Long post I know. Today has been a particularly bad day.

 

D-lish, I am very sorry you are hurting so much right now..I can understand how when thing's unravel.. they can unravel all at once and very fast. I have had many year's and month's like that thoughout my life, I myself have been going through a pretty tough time right now..I so know how you feel..Try to remember to take each day as it's come.. the very best you can..Little step's..You will be ok!

 

((((hug's)))

 

AP:)

[latefragment]

I just sent you a PM.

[Star Gazer]

(((((D)))))

 

Are you talking to a therapist as well, or just taking meds? I think talking with someone on a weekly basis would really help you.

[D-Lish]

Thank you.

See, got teary eyed just reading responses.

 

I am on Wellbutrin LD... but I think with the alcohol, I haven't given it a chance to work. I do like that I have no side effects on it.

 

Yes T. I know baby steps is the way to get out of this. Maybe I needed to hit the bottom to recognize the seriousness of the sadness.

 

I think I have been basing too much of my happiness on the company of fun and attractive younger guys. But I cannot have a no strings attached relationship, and I keep fooling myself into believing I am capable of doing that. All these dumb things I have been doing ~ I fool myself into believing they are healthy distractions. But I end up getting attached to these people I have no business being with in the first place and only do more harm to myself emotionally when it turns out they reject me.

 

It's probably better to stop filling my life with distractions and actually deal with some of the real issues.

 

Thanks for listening.

[sedgwick]

Hey girl...I have little to offer except hugs and compassion, but I'm offering that. I was just walking down the street thinking how my best friend's moving tomorrow (we haven't lived apart in 14 years), my other best friend is in India for a month, and the love of my life is no longer speaking to me. It's like last summer I was really happy and things were going really well, and then I sold my book and for two weeks was ecstatic, and then everything just fell apart and I had to write the thing in spite of crying constantly. I'm still so depressed I have trouble cleaning my apartment or doing the things I need to do, and i smoke way too much pot. So I know how you feel, I really do. Do you think your drinking has reached the point where you should go to meetings or something? I'm pretty down on the whole 12-step thing, but there's a cool group called SMART (smartrecovery.org) that you might look into. Do you see a therapist?

 

You know, antidepressants can bottom out after a couple of years. I took Wellbutrin and it didn't do a thing for me, but then I got on Cymbalta and it's a lot better. Kind of a sex drive killer, but I don't need that part of myself anyway.

[Trimmer]

Hey, D -

 

I feel like such a cheerleader for therapy sometimes, I try not to go too over the top, but have you considered finding a counselor to talk some of this out?

 

I'm glad you are seeing someone about the meds (and that you recognize that it may be good to reevaluate...) but I also hear things about ignored grief, issues being triggered, "managing" depression by masking it, using relationships as a part of that masking effort, cycles of risky behavior followed by shame, and ultimately isolation.... It sounds like you have a number of things simmering inside that you are working hard at managing - by avoiding, by numbing, by distracting.

 

I think brain chemistry (meds) will only take you so far. I think it would take a strong commitment and effort to face these things, get them out, and work them out, but I also believe that this is the only way you will get back on the journey to being whole again. And significantly, I see a lot of honesty and introspection here in your posts, and I think that's a good indication that you have that strength. I think you could do it.

 

Confronting the things you have been avoiding is perhaps the hardest and most fearful path you could choose, but when nothing else has turned the tide and reversed the trend, doesn't it seem like it may be the one you need?

[D-Lish]

You know, antidepressants can bottom out after a couple of years. I took Wellbutrin and it didn't do a thing for me, but then I got on Cymbalta and it's a lot better. Kind of a sex drive killer, but I don't need that part of myself anyway.

 

Actually I was seeing a therapist on a weekly basis and she moved her practice to a new city. I haven't arranged to see someone new. It was helping to see someone once a week.

 

I am on the fence about the alcohol. What is strange is the sudden addiction. I had never been one to indulge like that- especially not alone! I could go weeks or months without a drink.... so the boozing is new, perhaps getting progressively worse over the past 8 months. I have cut back- I was doing it every night for a few months. I maybe indulge 3 days a week now- but it's over-indulging when I do it.

 

A part of the problem with depression is motivation- I definitely need to call my doctor and get a new referral- get my meds checked- and get out of my pj's and back into life.

 

I too have had this on and off struggle with depression my entire life, but it has never been this prolonged before. I have had some very low-lows...but they haven't lasted as long as this. I guess it's been one bad thing happening after another- admittedly, some of which I bring about myself via bad choices...and some of it just random bad luck.

 

I just don't want to wallow in it. I want things to be better, and I want to feel better.

 

I am taking all your suggestions to heart.

It's also nice to know that others have gone through this.

Thanks for the responses.

[sb129]

I don't have any pearls of wisdom either except ((D-Lish)).

 

I had one depression at one point in my life and I know how hard it is to 1) accept you've hit a wall 2) see the end of the tunnel.

 

the only thing that helped me through was to really simplify pleasure: take a walk and enjoy the sun on my skin, take a bath and enjoy the warmth of the water.

 

 

I have been depressed too, and I agree with Kamille- once I stopped looking at the bigger picture and stressing about it all the time, and focused on the little things that I could achieve, the bigger picture took care of itself eventually. Give yourself a break and remember its OK to feel this way- and you are not alone.

 

Alcohol can almost cancel out any effects of anti-depressants, as it is in itself a depressant, so knocking that on the head is a great idea- you might feel a bit down as you body readjusts to that.

 

Focus on eating well, getting enough exercise and sleeping well, and maybe talk to your dr about your meds. Grief counselling to help you get over your miscarriage could be helpful too- it sounds like you are mourning the loss of your pregnancy, which is totally normal.

Baby steps.... you can do it.

[oppath]

I am in the same boat, D-Lish.

 

I try to refrain from the alcohol, but aside from that the behaviors and feelings are similar. Alcohol will keep you feeling down 1-2 days AFTER you've overindulged, so I'd limit that to once a week. Keep it out of your house aside from the occasional bottle of wine.

 

Changing your meds is something to look into, and therapy, even every other week or every three weeks, can be beneficial as maintenance. You don't always need someone every week but it's like maintaining your vehicle very 3-5k miles.

 

Do you have any hobbies you have been pursuing? My life is honestly full. I do TOO MUCH. But in earlier bouts of depression it helped to do things like join a kickball team with random strangers. If you haven't, I'd suggest that you find one activity a week where you interact with new people socially -- like a soccer team or an improv comedy class -- and if you drink afterwards with those people, it's ok, but keep it to two.

 

If you feel like you will be depressed forever, and you tell yourself you are losing control, you will be depressed and you will lose control. It's important to alter your cognitions and replace them with statements such as "sure, I am feeling depressed right now, but that does not mean I will always feel this way. I have a lot to offer and if I treat myself well, I will get over this."

[Trimmer]

Actually I was seeing a therapist on a weekly basis and she moved her practice to a new city. I haven't arranged to see someone new. It was helping to see someone once a week.

How long have it been since she moved? Could you call her at her new office and get her to refer you to someone local, since she would know you, and also would probably still know other potential therapists in your area that might be a good fit for you?

[Star Gazer]

How long have it been since she moved? Could you call her at her new office and get her to refer you to someone local, since she would know you, and also would probably still know other potential therapists in your area that might be a good fit for you?

 

My previous and current therapist have each offered phone consultations as well. Could you do that, D?

[ANGUISHEDandBROKEN]

I feel your pain (((D_Lish)))

 

But drop the alcohol and the anti-depressants.

You can do fine without them.

You seem to be very down to earth and you can introspect very well.

 

Try and just fix what you have seen is wrong with yourself slowly, and you will come out victorious....believe me, cause I believe in YOU...

 

My heart goes out to you in this roughpatch....

[D-Lish]

I am in the same boat, D-Lish.

 

I try to refrain from the alcohol, but aside from that the behaviors and feelings are similar. Alcohol will keep you feeling down 1-2 days AFTER you've overindulged, so I'd limit that to once a week. Keep it out of your house aside from the occasional bottle of wine.

 

Changing your meds is something to look into, and therapy, even every other week or every three weeks, can be beneficial as maintenance. You don't always need someone every week but it's like maintaining your vehicle very 3-5k miles.

 

Do you have any hobbies you have been pursuing? My life is honestly full. I do TOO MUCH. But in earlier bouts of depression it helped to do things like join a kickball team with random strangers. If you haven't, I'd suggest that you find one activity a week where you interact with new people socially -- like a soccer team or an improv comedy class -- and if you drink afterwards with those people, it's ok, but keep it to two.

 

If you feel like you will be depressed forever, and you tell yourself you are losing control, you will be depressed and you will lose control. It's important to alter your cognitions and replace them with statements such as "sure, I am feeling depressed right now, but that does not mean I will always feel this way. I have a lot to offer and if I treat myself well, I will get over this."

 

I went the opposite O....

I used to take on too much...now I have isolated myself and stopped doing the things I used to love.

 

I agree with the drinking...it is like knocking my head against a wall. I had a pretty bad weekend with the alcohol- and I am still feeling the effects. I am going to set a goal- no alcohol until the weekend.

 

Positive thinking is something to wrap my head around. I think first and foremost- I have to eliminate the alcohol problem...and then address the other issues.

 

I am finding the support here tonight- via pm's and this thread to be overwhelming and really helpful. Finding hope and support from strangers is just really nice when I've had such a hard time opening up to the people who are close to me. It's really nice actually.

[D-Lish]

My previous and current therapist have each offered phone consultations as well. Could you do that, D?

 

Yes, I could do that. I think it's about motivation more than anything else. After my therapist moved, I just didn't bother asking for a new one. It's so weird- but I always feel like I am bothering someone when I ask for help. I even felt a bit guilty for taking up some time by posting here!

[sedgwick]

 

But drop the alcohol and the anti-depressants.

You can do fine without them.

 

spoken as one who has never gone through SSRI withdrawal!!!!

 

DO NOT go off your medication because someone on a website tells you to, okay, people? Okay.

[D-Lish]

spoken as one who has never gone through SSRI withdrawal!!!!

 

DO NOT go off your medication because someone on a website tells you to, okay, people? Okay.

 

No worries S... I am not going to stop my meds. I haven't even given them a chance to work yet. I don't think taking pills are going to magically solve all my problems ....I truly believe that meds are a good avenue for helping someone focus so they can find the tools necessary to work on feeling better through actions and work.

[Florida]

D, don't lose hope.

I read something once that I thought of when reading your post.

 

Men must be handled with care in your life, or they will sap and drain every last bit of nutrients in your life energy. Look, that isn't manhating.

 

You are in a really vulnerable place, I think once you get through it alone, on the other side, stay away from relationships with the boys they are draining you. You are a beautiful flower, save the good for yourself for private sustenance. Let yourself flourish without relying on them. I get the feeling that is your journey for now. You can totally do it. They are jerks, get rid of them and concentrate on d-lish.

[D-Lish]

D, don't lose hope.

I read something once that I thought of when reading your post.

 

Men must be handled with care in your life, or they will sap and drain every last bit of nutrients in your life energy. Look, that isn't manhating.

 

You are in a really vulnerable place, I think once you get through it alone, on the other side, stay away from relationships with the boys they are draining you. You are a beautiful flower, save the good for yourself for private sustenance. Let yourself flourish without relying on them. I get the feeling that is your journey for now. You can totally do it. They are jerks, get rid of them and concentrate on d-lish.

 

Thanks Florida,

 

I truly know I have made bad choices in the men I have been dating. Dating has become a bandaid, not a cure for anything.

 

It feels so strange- still, even to this day, to have been married- to have stood at an altar and think I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone....and then deal with dating, booty calls, younger guys, and trying to figure out who I am outside of being someone's wife.

 

This is truly rock bottom. But even after a few hours of posting here and recieving all the support and awesome PM's.... I feel a bit better. At the very least I feel inspired to take the initiative to take the steps necessary to get myself out of this dark place.

 

Everything that has happened in the last 5 years- all the strange new experiences and misfortune needs to be something I put behind me.

 

I think as many people find from coming here- telling your story is a good place to start. Just writing everything down was pretty therapeutic for me.

 

Thanks to all of you for listening.

D

[marlena]

D-lish,

 

Your post was heart-wrenching. I wish I had the magic word to make things better for you.

 

I know how difficult it is for girls in their thirties nowadays. Finding a decent person you can connect with is becoming more and more of an impossible dream. It's a sign of our times and has nothing to do with you personally.

 

You are not alone. We all go through phases like this in our lives when everything just seems to spiral downwards and things fly out of our control. The fact that you recognize there is a problem is a good start.

 

Things will get better. They always do sooner or later do.

 

But you need to make small or big changes in your life. You need to realize what it is that is stressing you out and remove it from your life. You need to make YOURSELF the focus of all your attention.

 

You have been through so much trauma in the last five years so don't be so harsh on yourself. Divorce, break-ups, a miscarriage, a job not doing so well. It is no wonder that you feel the way you do.

 

Your decision to restrict your drinking to just weekends is a good start. Drinking exacerbates the problem and causes your depression to escalate. Try not to have any alcohol in the house so that you are not tempted to drink alone.

 

Perhaps what you need to do is resolve to not let anyone in your life who might add to your stress. Dating is all fine and good but when it begins to drain your emotions, it's time to stop for a while.

 

Why not get off the dating scene for a while and concentrate on healing yourself? Say, a year. It will give you time to help your emotions settle. This is not the time to risk getting hurt again. You are extremely vulnerable at this time so why put yourself out there?

 

I know how easy it is to go the isolation route when you are feeling this way. If you feel this is what will help you get back on your feet, fine. But going out once in a while, even if you have to force yourself to do it, will help you. Lean on friends. You needn't play the part of the mentor always. Even mentors break down from time to time.

 

Perhaps what you need is some R&R ans some self-pampering. Could you go away on a vacation with a friend for a couple of weeks, let's say? A change of scenery can do wonders. And slow down. Remove the clutter from your life and try to find peace and comfort in things you like to do.

 

Wish I could help more.

 

Marlena

Edited February 20, 2008 by marlena

[D-Lish]

You did help more just by posting M.

 

I agree with your advice about laying off the dating. I have been looking too hard and doing so in all the wrong places.

 

I have been at the point where I recognize the self destructive choices I am making and have been there for quite some time.... just sort of recognizing them but not making much of an effort to change them.

 

All that has done is keep me feeling sorry for myself while I make excuses that I'll change when I am ready, that the pain will go away on it's own, and that good things will start falling into place while I wait instead of actively making them happen.

 

I have removed the alcohol from my house- gave everything I had to my neighbour (who was very excited and thankful...lol).

 

Being introspective has never been an issue for me, but being motivated to change always has been. Therein lies the road to the bottom of the pit. I often know I am making a bad choice as I do it, yet go through with it anyway. As a result, I have been spending most of the last 5 years living with the regret that I foster myself.

 

Every year I turn one year older, and I tend to seek out someone one year younger than the group from the year before. It's just stupid and I justify it by making myself believe that it's okay because I am not the one who ever does the pursuing of these guys. That is why I concur that laying off dating while I get my act together is a good idea. I really don't have anything positive to bring to the table in a healthy relationship at the moment, so it only makes sense that I should take a step back and look after me.

 

You did help with your post.

I've gone from waking up this morning feeling sorry for myself to finding a little inspiration and strength to make some important changes.

 

I'm not a stupid girl, it's time to stop making stupid decisions and do the things I would suggest that someone else in my position do.

Thanks M.

D